Laredo Slider

You don't look like a Santonio, homes

2008-10-24T12:57:00.000-07:00

Santonio Holmes, star wide out for the Pittsburg Steelers was charged with marijuana possession, and has been suspended by the Steelers for the mega match up against my Giants on Sunday. As a big Giants fan, I'm not happy that he was suspended because I like to play against the best at full strength, all the time. It's the best way to know what you really have. He will be missed, but there is another injustice in this case. Why was Santonio pulled over? I'll refer to the ESPN.com article:

Police stopped Holmes, who was driving a dark sport-utility vehicle with out-of-state license plates. Officers in the area had been alerted that a similar vehicle was believed to be carrying a large amount of drugs. Holmes' vehicle matched the description but was not the one police were seeking, Griffith said.

fgjagblabdjfbljblbjlbfjlblfl aabjajreygqr;yljqlyjrrljtqlrtjqlet (sorry...a little frustrated)....the funny thing is that the po'lice have been looking for this car for the last 40 years (before there were SUV's)!!!!!!!! And how did they know that there was a SUV with a large amount of drugs in it? Did they watch someone put those drugs into the SUV, and decided to let them drive away, without arresting them? Was there a sting where the undercover officer sold drugs to some guy in a SUV with out-of-state plates, and they failed to make the arrest? I know the answer to both questions, and it's called profiling. He's lucky he was in a town where they knew who he was, because in any other town the officer would look at him funny once he said his name was Santonio Holmes. They would probably think he was a gang banger from L.A. or something...

By the way...Holmes didn't have his license on him and I am willing to bet that he doesn't have a legal license right now. This is probably the beginning of a long story, which will end up with Holmes playing for the Raiders sooner, or later.

Larry Johnson's here? Let's find somewhere else to go...

2008-10-23T16:44:00.001-07:00

I know that nothing good happens after midnight, but I have lived most of my life after midnight, so when bad shit happens to people after midnight, I understand. Earlier this week, it was reported that Larry Johnson (the running back of the Chiefs, not to be confused with NBA great Larry Johnson) assaulted some girl in a club, and also threatened to kill her boyfriend. This happens to be Larry Johnson's (the club going, philandering, running back of the Chiefs...not to be confused with the club going, philandering, power forward of the Knicks and Hornets) fourth time in the last five years of getting an assault charge. The Chiefs are suspending him, and they should. What shouldn't happen is dumb chickenheads in the club, running their mouth to ANYBODY named Larry Johnson. News flash...women, if there is a pro athlete named Larry Johnson at the club, unless you're going home with them that night, don't say shit to them. You will either end up with (A) a drink spit in your face, (B) kids you don't want, or (C) a black eye. And don't bring your boyfriend to the club when Larry Johnson is there because you'll put him in a situation that he doesn't want to be in.

But that's not it...

Last time I checked assault and battery were charges brought against people who make credible threats, and/or put their hands on another person. After midnight I think spitting a drink in somebodies face is (A) classless and (B) better than punching them/stabbing them. Larry Johnson should be commended for restraining his arms and fists, and not ingesting more alcohol, which would just make him drunker. Also...If some dude says something to you, that's malicious after midnight, you have to say something back along the lines of "I'm gonna kill you". People who are in altercations, and are drunk, only understand a few phrases after midnight.

"I think a cop is behind me" or "the cops are here"
"Let's get some food"
"I'm going to kill you"

That's it...these three phrases have been known to break up parties...and if you don't believe me, go to Church's Chicken at 2 a.m. on the weekend, and you will hear all three phrases said right away. By 2:30, everybody will be gone...go to Waffle House and repeat, it doesn't fail. Finally, next time you go to the club, and you're on the guestlist, give the guy your name, but also figure out if anybody named Larry J. is on that list, before going in.

Sunday Laredo 10/19/08

2008-10-19T01:31:00.000-07:00

Time to open the Sunday Laredo Times! I had all the sections last week, but didn't have the crossword or comics. This week I'll have the crossword and comics, but none of the other sections, except sports. Enjoy!

Crossword

Sorry for the layout, but this was the best crossword I could find...

Comics

'Obama and Biden'

Sorry, kind of hard to read. The three Biden lookalikes are the guy from America's Scariest Police Chases, Jim Carrey's Mask character, and Bob Barker. This is kind of a response to Gov. Palin's appearance on Saturday Night Live, last night. She was wearing these hooker boots that looked kinda hot, but this will be the height of her fame.

Time for picks:

Tennessee (-9) at Kansas City

Kansas City will be able to hang in this game because Tennessee's offense isn't dynamic (24th overall in the NFL). They will not pull away in this game...Kansas City to cover.

B'More (+3) at Miami

Miami is playing with confidence, and they're angry (and they have a quarterback). The Ravens are a little nicked up on D, the O-line is also struggling, and Joe Flacco might have hit the wall in week 6. M.I.A. to cover.

Dallas (-7) at St. Louis

Dallas hasn't been playing well, and cohesion is a major problem. No cohesion = turnovers = not covering. I like St. Louis last week, and now Marc Bulger has another toy to play with, in rookie wideout Donnie Avery...who happened to be the first reciever taken in the draft. I think confidence and momentum will allow this game to be close, but the 'Boys should win...Rams cover.

San Francisco (+10.5) at NY Giants

I thought I wasn't going to pick this game, but I am confident that the Giants will rebound like the champions they are. We're going to run, run, run. Steve Spagnuolo is going to dial up some pressure, because the Giants aren't getting ANY takeaways, and that shit's gotta stop. Eli will spread the ball around, instead of trying to force the ball to Plax. Giants 38 Niners -2. No, I haven't learned my lesson.
LET'S GET THOSE NINERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday Night Live

2008-10-18T14:46:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm going to watch Sarah Palin on SNL tonight, but it doesn't really pique my interest because (1) I don't think she's that hot and maybe a couple of years from having a full blown turkey neck, and (2) she isn't going to be Vice President, Joe Biden is. Is she the most do-able politican ever? Yes. But, in my world, Nancy Pelosi and Hilary Clinton are do-able, too. There are three live events that need breif attention as I finish up telling you what's good on a Saturday, on TV.

Mizzou at Texas

Just sit back and enjoy this one. If Mizzou loses, that should be the end of their championship run. I want to see them win just to see college football get more f'd up, and a step closer to creating a playoff system.

Red Sox at Rays

After the amazing comeback on Thursday, the Sox have a ton of momentum. The Rays haven't had much negative attention, on a national stage this year, and I want to see how they handle it. They do get to play at home, but the stands are going to be packed with chowder heads from the New England area. I'm praying that Boston or Philly doesn't get a championship, so GO RAYS!

Pavlik - Hopkins

In the fight of the year, one legend (Hopkins) goes up against a soon-to-be legend (Kelly Pavlik). Hopkins hasn't been knocked out, ever...he's been knocked down once. Pavlik isn't afriad to mix it up, and will be looking to damage the 40 year old Hopkins. This is one to sit back and enjoy. Some say it will be boring, I think Pavlik will make it a point to come inside and bring it to Hopkins. Pavlik is also a fighter who gets stronger as the fight progresses. Look for B-Hop to steal some rounds, but in the end the soon-to-be legend will have cemented himself in boxing history. This fight goes the distance, but Pavlik will prevail.

What to Watch 10/18/08

2008-10-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's a new season of television programming, and if you have DirecTV or digital cable, you know that there is so much crap on that you just stick with what shows you usually watch. It's a pain going through 150 channels when you only watch five or six channels. I'm here to make it even easier for you (today). I'm going to TELL you what to watch and provide expert analysis on why you are going to watch it. All times are in Eastern and, of course, we got picks for college today.

12 ET

U Conn at Rutgers (-2)

Okay...don't watch it, just bet it. U Conn is 5-1, and has no respect for Rutgers. Rutgers is 1-5, and has no respect for Rutgers. Expect Rutgers to lose more recruits, because this is their homecoming game and it's embarrassing to have the fans leaving the stadium with 5:32 left in the third quarter. Stay away from the over/under on this game, unless it's for Rutgers turnovers...then take the over, no matter what it is.

What to really watch....

Paris Hilton's My New BFF - MTV

I haven't seen a minute of this show, but every time I see a commercial for it, some broad is taking a shot and running her mouth. Watch it, and be glad you don't have to put up with it...because at 1 PM, we've got...

1 ET

Whatever Telemundo has on

I have seen this show. I don't know how to pronounce it, and the show may not be the same throughout the years, but I have been watching this time slot since I was a kid. Half-naked, Spanish broads who say nothing, but are shaking it to whatever the mariachi band is playing. Then when they say something, you can tune them out, because they are speaking Spanish. This is the sole reason why I never learned Spanish, by the way. Over/under on the amount of time your hands are in your pants...half an hour. Take the over. Enjoy for an hour, then....

2 ET

Cheaters Marathon – G4 Network

Cheaters is not the greatest show. But, there is something about watching some guy or gal getting cheated on and getting it on tape. The host, Joey Greco, is the biggest instigator. He gets the perpetrating couple on tape, then shows the video evidence to the victim. The victim goes crazy, but usually gets punked by the perpetrators because (1) the victim is usually a guy who ain't hitting it right or a girl who isn't fit enough to keep her man on the reservation, and they find out right there (2) these people are so ghetto that cheating makes sense to ALL parties involved, and (3) if a guys' girl is cheating on him with a black dude, when the black dude is confronted all hell breaks loose and it's a good idea that everybody goes home. Watch one episode, take a nap for an hour, and get ready for...

3:30 ET

Kansas at Oklahoma
or
Ohio State at Michigan State

ABC Regional

I'm picking these two games, but some of you may get North Carolina at Virginia (if that's your regional game...go back to Telemundo and proceed to put your hands in your pants until the primetime games).

Kansas (+20) at Oklahoma (O/U 61)

Kansas played well at Colorado last week. Oklahoma got beat up on the ground last week, and they have to be pissed. Both have good QB's...Oklahoma has a great one, and they want to send a message to the pollsters that they are one of the best 3 or 4 teams in the land (which they are). Kansas' bread and butter is the option. Oklahoma's bread and butter is paying linemen enough to stop the option. Take OU and the over.

Ohio State (-3.5) at Michigan State (O/U 42.5)

Ohio State is horrible against the spread, but this is a game about who is going to make the most (or least) mistakes. Both teams have question marks at the QB spot...and Michigan State has the front runner for the Heisman, in Javon Ringer. Michigan State hasn't played anybody yet, and Ohio State is starting to hit their stride. This is a tune-up for Ohio State's meeting next week against Penn State. Take Ohio State....and the under.

Now you're occupied till 5:30 – 6 ish...Great stuff on at 8...but a perfect filler till then.

6:15 ET

Blue Streak – HBO

One of the funniest movies, ever, starring two of the funniest men ever (Martin Lawrence and Dave Chapelle). It just happens to be an hour and forty-five minutes long so that takes you up to 8.

8 ET

Mizzou at Texas
Pavlik vs. Hopkins
Red Sox at Rays Game 6

There is a reason they call it primetime...these three matchups exemplify it, and I'll make an addendum to this post later today to tell you who I like and why, but it doesn't get much better on a Saturday night.

When you think you're ahead, everybody catches up

2008-10-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Boston Red Sox completed on the most improbable comebacks ever, last night. I hated it, of course. The Rays were winning and I was enjoying watching all the chowder heads in Boston, as they were drinking themselves into a long postseason (for those who don't come here for my sports commentary, the Rays were winning 7-0, and lost). The series is at 3-2 and all the momentum is going towards Boston. Game on Saturday, in St. Petersburg (wherever that is). Tampa better take care of buisness. For those who come here just to see if I am going to dedicate part of my post to Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus), today is your lucky day.

I wasn't sure how the "law" works, but I was sure that I could figure out a way to date Miley Cyrus in two years, once she turned 18 (damn, did I just write that?). Well, I probably wrote it before. I don't think she's going to be hot (i.e. I don't think she's hot now, because that would be against the "law"), and it's all about cashing in on her empire. I know that she'll be a billionaire, and I that's what turns me on to the idea of making a long time commitment with her (bank account). So my plan was to somehow run into her, and pretend that I don't know who she is (that will probably turn her on, in two years). I will treat her like the queen (ATM) she is, we get married, and I invest her money wisely in real estate (i.e. my own place where I can have ladies over). Great plan, right? Just gotta wait, right? NOPE!!! Some dude named Justin Gaston already beat me to it. The worse part is that he's 20, and her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, is letting it slide. So basically, this dude has the inside lane AND he's got the okay to circumvent the law. According to People Magazine (yes, I read it on the Internet, NOT IN LINE AT THE MOTHER F'N SUPERMARKET WHEN I HAVE NO ITEMS AND I'M JUST IN PEOPLE'S WAY), Billy Ray thinks "it's a good thing". WTF? I wonder what his reaction would be if that was my black ass? Statutory Rape...that's what. When robbery, embezzlement, and wire fraud are the only thing I plan on doing. Here's a picture of the happy couple...

I'm not worried, though...these things never last. If it was two years from now, I might write 'he ain't hittin' it right'.

Transactions

2008-10-16T02:06:00.000-07:00

Reggae Boyz Reppin'...Jamaicans on the Rise

It's funny how television programming predicts everything that happens in life. Coming to America is on HBO this month, and I actually am contemplating getting a smooth Geri curl, complete with Soul Glo drip. White Men Can't Jump is also on this month, and I have been hitting cats with nasty crosses all month and dunking on cats left and right (hey, you leave your wheelchair in the lane, you end up on a poster). Cool Runnings was on tonight, and...the Jamaican Soccer Team won a monster game against Honduras at 'The Office', 1-0, to keep their World Cup dreams alive. The Reggae Boyz are for real, only because they have showed resiliency after a loss to Honduras in September, and a much needed coaching change has changed the look of the whole team. I enjoy the fact that Jamaicans are taking over the sports scene...first Usain Bolt, then the Reggae Boyz, then me. Here's a link to the Reggae Boyz website. Notice the Asian broad, modeling the Boyz' merchandise...that's how we roll...I don't know what that means, but it means something. Honduras needs to lose to Mexico, and Jamaica needs to beat Canada next month to advance to the final qualifying round.

Audrey Bitoni released by Laredo Slider, picked up by Penthouse

In a roster move by Laredo Slider, Audrey Bitoni was taken off the front page, and replaced by nothing. After a sub par year of article production, Laredo Slider general manager, Laredo Slider, said the site needed a new look.

“We have some young ladies that we're going to call up to the show, but nothing will be as permanent as the run Ms. Bitoni had on the front page. We are looking to get a girl of the week, or month, or something,” said Mr. Slider.

Ms. Bitoni was picked up right away as Penthouse Pet of the Month for November, and is gracing the cover as we speak. Congrats, Audrey.

Laredo signs with AshleyMadison.com, three times

Okay, my foray into internet dating was well chronicled when I decided to sign up for Jdate. I wanted to find myself a nice Jewish girl, who wanted to piss of her whole family, or create a more ghetto version of Lenny Kravitz. A couple of girls contacted me, but I wasn't prompt with my follow up and I ended up not logging in for a while. I don't think Jewish girls were the niche I was looking for. Good news is, I found my niche, and it's married women. AshleyMadison.com helps married people hookup with other people who are looking to cheat on their spouses. Some of you may know that I'm not married, but there is a classification on the site for single people looking for married people who want to cheat. Whatever...I'm making three profiles...one that says I'm married, one that says I'm single, and one that says I'm a woman looking for a woman. I don't want to mislead anybody, but if you're cheating on your significant other, you deserve it.

Danity Kane Drops Members and Clothes...Cam'Ron Drops Album (eventually) and goes shopping at the zoo for new gear

See the crap I write about just to get hits? Now I'm writing about a girl-band, on a show I have never seen, and I couldn't name a single member in the group. I learned that two members were kicked out for being biatches, and I could care less. What caught my attention was that they did this ad for PETA:

Cool...I'm all for not harming animals, but if he harm a small amount of animals, so chicks get naked, won't we just continue? I think so... I mean, I don't own furs but some of my favorite artist's do, like Cam'ron. The more records he sells, the more Kool-Aid colored furs he can buy, which means more chicks getting naked to stop the killing of animals. Really a win-win in my world. My convoluted message in short: Stop killing animals for fur, but if you do, chicks will stop getting naked for a good cause, but stop killing animals. Oh yeah, Crime Pays by Cam drops early 2009...

Congrats, Philly!

2008-10-15T21:11:00.000-07:00

The Phillies won the National League. It was one the highest rated events in Philly history. Let's look at the overnight ratings:

Philadelphia Phillies at Los Angeles Dodgers (FOX) 10/15/08: 51.0 Rating
Number of Riots in the Philadelphia area: 8
Number of Cheesesteaks eaten by each guy named Gino in celebration of the Phils' win: 12
Number of Cheesesteaks eaten by each guy named Ryan Howard in celebration of the Phils' win: 25803952
Number of flushes Ryan Howard will make on the flight back to Philly: 14583221
Number of Girlfriends/Wives beaten in Philadelphia in celebration of the Phils' win: 6000
Number of Girlfriends/Wives beaten by Brett Myers in celebration of the Phils' win: 1
Number of Philly Cops that were drinking on the job during the game: 453
Number of Black People arrested: 0 (Wooooohoooo!)
Number of championships in Philly's near future: 0

You guys aren't winning it all, sorry

Let's Talk About Love

2008-10-14T20:44:00.000-07:00

This is a weird post because I plan on not editing it, re-reading it, or anything. Just a rant.

I love the Giants and really thought they were going to roll on the Browns, but I was wrong. I have owned up to it, but I love them, so take any gambling advice regarding the Giants with a grain of salt. As for the report card for the game:

Giants Offense: gaghlgjlgaDJLKGJLGJLGJLELJGJL
Giants D: erlgjar;wl arglerl;gjawergjaerg;lgjkae gyj'aeftgyjar;ygja
Giants Special Teams: jdra ;lgalwgtjawrlg jarl;gare;gjareg;jarg;l
Giants Coaching: gh ar;gtjawroygjr;ygja4o;ryja;yj4oyuj4rgu8j40tgufhj4ay0hj45yh54GTOANGRLJRV45OH

Overall: D-

Next, Red Sox...trading Manny...dumb. Fans, even dumber. Eff Boston, Eff the Sox. I never root for anybody to get hurt, but I hope Josh Beckett gets to pitch and gets rocked, and gets sooooooooooo pissed that he decides to repeatedly slam his right arm in a car door...while the car is sinking to the bottom of a lake. People will say 'Manny can't pitch and that's what the Red Sox' problem is'. Eff dat!!! This team has no balls, and Manny is like the Kellen Winslow of the postseason...

Red Sox Report Card: A...because I enjoy seeing them getting their heads bashed in BY A TEAM THAT DOESN'T RESPECT THEM!!!!

Next, Pacman "call me Adam, because I'm reformed...oh shit! I'm suspended again" Jones. I don't think that he should be suspended for life. Only for the rest of the year. I do think the Cowboys should say, "oh, Pacman is suspended from playing. Meet our new head coach! Pacman F'n Jones!!!!" He would be better than fatboy Wade Phillips. What would be better? Seeing Wade Phillips jumping for joy after tying the Cardinals on Sunday, or Coach Pacman giving the throat slash to the Cardinals sideline after tying the Cardinals on Sunday. What's better? Seeing the coordinators in the box, calling plays, doing what they do? Or a tinted out skybox where the only coordinating going on is what ho's get in the skybox, and what play to T.O. are they going to call next? It's obvious, and the best thing would be that Jason Whitten would get released for no reason, just so Pacman can put his boy on the roster. By the way, if Wade Phillips was the fifth Ghostbuster and at the end of GB1 when they had to clear their minds, or meet their doom to whatever they were thinking (which was the Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man), wouldn't everybody be f'd because he be thinking of a McRib Sandwich the size of the solar system? Yup.

And while we are on the subject of ghetto cuisine, why does Ryan Howard have to do those Subway commercials for their Big Philly Cheesesteak? As a baseball player, I had to defend the fact that baseball players workout, and then there was the steroid era which helped me build my case that baseball players are into physical fitness. Then I turn on my f'n TV and see a fat brother with a bat in his hands and a greasy ass cheesesteak behind him. Oh, and he happens to strike out 2 billion times a year, and I've seen pop flys that he couldn't get down on. I wonder why? I wish I was in the meeting when Subway decided to go with Ryan Howard:

Exec 1: We need somebody to sell the worst nutrional item in the history of Subway. Somebody who embodies "deep fried"...this 'Eat Fresh' shit ain't working.

Exec 2: I went to a Phillies game last night and saw this fat, black guy strike out 4 times and he fell over on a ground ball.

Exec 1: GO GET HIM BEFORE KFC GET'S HIM FIRST!!!

Yeah, I know he could be MVP, but Phuck Philly.

Monday Morning QB

2008-10-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

I love being able to watch sports from Friday night all the way up to Sunday night. These are the weekends that solidify the reason why I remain kinda single, and solidify the pact I made to myself not to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua until it's on video/bootleg. Baseball Friday, Saturaday, and Sunday. College football Friday and Saturday. The NFL yesterday was ridiculous, and there was even preseason NBA. Too much to cover, based on the fact that you can go to ESPN.com and get biased opinions on all these events. Not that ESPN.com is biased, but they aren't going to recklessly comment on certain stories based on their policies, etc. I ,on the other hand, will write articles based on rumor and I don't check my facts. So I gotta comment on a story that broke Sunday night about one NFL tight end.

Leading up to tonight's Monday Night Football game, Kellen Winslow was in the hospital with an unknown illness. I was thinking through the week that he had some type of bad herpes, or something embarrassing, because the media had no idea what he had. This is the type of info that gets released usually, but it didn't up til this weekend. Winslow was in the hospital because his balls were swollen to the size of grapefruits! That is amazing because you know Winslow was taking some type of Cialis/Viagra drug for fun, and it backfired on him. How does that happen? I would wait a couple of hours to go to the hospital, and make funny picture messages of my balls, and send it to friends and teammates. I wouldn't send it to Brady Quinn, though. I'm not too sure what "team" he plays on, let's put it that way. But, that's what I would do...

Monday Night Pick

Giants (-8) at the Browns

My Giants are the best team in football, because they run it the best, take care of the ball, play great D, have a QB who can make all the throws, are the deepest team at the skill positions, have a punter who routinely puts the ball inside the opponents' 20, draft better than any other team, and have confidence because they have one of the best coaches in the game. The Browns have...a tight end with swollen balls. Giants 90, Brown 3 ...seriously, take the Giants and the UNDER...

Fantasy Move of the Week

Tony Romo is out for two weeks, so pick up Brad Johnson and trade him to the one Cowboys fan in the league everybody hates. If you're in my league, just stop logging in...I'm 6 and oh, and resistance is futile.

Go Giants! TAKE CARE OF BUISNESS! PLAX, STFU!!!!

Sunday Laredo

2008-10-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

Time to crack open what I hope will be the equivalent of the Sunday New York Times for my readers...the SUNDAY LAREDO TIMES. News stories? I'll leave that up to Cnn.Com, but we are going to have everything else. A great sports section, with lead pipe lock picks for the NFL. Arts and Entertainment? Got it. Crossword? Got that, too. Just like when I opened the paper before my father woke up, and got smacked, it's time to dive into the Laredo Times for October 12, 2008...

Arts and Entertainment Section

Here is my review for Entourage. It sucks. Vinny Chase never made that show, and I could care less if his character ended up on a second rate sitcom, like Entourage. Johnny Drama should be spun off into one of HBO's other shitty dramas, or they should make that Five Towns show into a real show. Eric is short and annoying, and I'm pissed he had that threesome with those two hot chicks in season whatever it was. Turtle provides comedy relief and that's all they ask of him, which is cool. Ari has his spots where he's hilarious, but I'd rather see more of his wife...without him...or those snot-nosed kids. The plot is recycled to the point where the best thing would be to have somebody killed off. I nominate Eric. I mean, in cheezy sitcoms there was always one episode where something really bad happened to somebody. I'm pretty sure ALF ate Lucky one time, and Sam was kidnapped that one time in Diff'rent Strokes. Something needs to happen.

Movies Section

White Men Can't Jump is on On Demand. Watch it 20 times. I have actually noticed there are a ton of Wesley Snipes movies on. Watch 'em all. Great month of programming! Cable gets two thumbs up!

Business Section

Business in the world is shitty. But my fantasy team is taking care of business. Kurt Warner Larry Fitzgerald, Eli, Matt Forte, Stephen Jackson...I had a great draft. I know, proof is in the pudding, so check out my squad, and basque in greatness.

Underwear Ads

What boy didn't go through the newspaper and stop at the department store ad, and look at the women in the (grandma) underwear ads? I would look at them longer than the NL East standings. Well the Laredo Times are the same:

I had to bring this one back...

but that's not an ad, is it?

Sports

Whoa...9:50 AM...Need Picks

Chicago (-2.5) at Atlanta (43)

The Bears will stuff the run. Matt Ryan is going to throw picks. Chicago and the over.

Cowboys (-4.5) at Arizona (52)

Cowboys defense is garbage. Romo drops the ball a ton. Crayton drops the ball a ton. Cards...no sacks, no picks last week. Cards (and my fantasy team) rolls. Zona and the over.

Miami (+3) at Houston (45)

As long as Ron Artest is within the Houston city metro area, I like Houston. If you see an unknown wearing #96, and he's running around with a Dolphins helmet in his hand (with the head still in it) you'll know what I mean. Houston and the under.

Super Sloppy Underdog Pick

St. Louis (+12.5) at Washington (44)

Washington has the ugliest uni's and if you think their game is pretty, you don't know Redskin football. They win but don't cover...take the under as well, in a sweater.

Enjoy the day...next week I'll have a crossword and some crudely drawn pictures that will pass as 'comics'. Peace

Laredo's Saturday L____ P_pe _ock's

2008-10-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

I needed to pick the Red River Rivalry game last night because (1) it is the biggest college game this week, and (2) it gives me the opportunity to rip on some rednecks. Don't get me wrong...I love brown liquor, I don't like pork, but I wouldn't rule out having relations with certain non-blood relatives. When I use the N-Word, it's a term of endearment. When rednecks use the N-Word, it's derogatory, unless a black person hears 'em, then they explain it's a term of endearment. Then they same something like, "anybody can be a nword, not just black people...I'm just talking about the way somebody acts." That never gets old. What also doesn't get old is rednecks calling people Arabs. The link for "Video of the Day" has that old bag that called Obama an Arab getting interviewed, etc. That's a new feature of LaredoSlider.Com and will be used for video highlights daily. Oh yeah, there is a scoreboard, too...so you can check Laredo's L___ P_pe _ock's of the Week (you can fill in the blanks with what you want).

Oklahoma (-6.5) at Texas

I already picked this, and the game is in the second quarter right now (actually it's a one point game at half). The reason I picked OU is because I have believed that Sam Bradford is actually Cooper Manning since last year, after Cooper Manning got a time machine because he wanted to cash in on his family fame. The kid's good, he takes care of the ball, and Texas has been faking top-ranked status since their Rose Bowl win four years ago. Oklahoma covers.

Purdue (+18.5) at Ohio State (47.5)

Put this one in the overrated home team, with myopic fans, category with Texas. This is a conference game, and Ohio State isn't explosive...so 2 touchdowns plus is unlikely. Purdue also takes care of the rock. Oh yeah, Ohio State is 1-4 against the spread this year, so 1-5 is likely, right. Take Purdue and the under.

Penn State (-6) at Wisconsin (47)

The Nittany Lions will roll through Wisconsin, and it depends on depends. If JoePa shits himself before the game, it will be a sweater. If he shits himself around the beginning of the second quarter, the Lions will roll. Don't ask me how I came to these backwards conclusions. Maybe it's the brown liquor at 11AM PT. Penn State covers, with the over.

Enjoy the day of college football...oh yeah, GO TROJANS!

New Beginning

2008-10-10T22:39:00.000-07:00

Every article I have written, EVER, has been a product of my alter ego, no matter what mind state I'm in. I have written some unconventional things when I was in grammar school, and not just because I was doing my homework on the bus, and that shit was due in 20 minutes. Now, I have this site where I can say what I want and I write more unconventional stuff. I usually post in the mornings when I have something constructive to say. I post in the afternoons after watching some sporting event that usually involves my team shitting the bed, in a big situation. Then I write late night when I'm faded, and I just watched a movie with one of my favorite starlets (like Transformers, with Megan Fox). I then write how much I would like to diddle her, and then use very graphic words describing all 13 inches of my dilzzzznick, usually implying impregnating one of these girls is my prerogative. Then I was thinking to myself that these days are all about softening what is actually happening in the real world, ~~and I need to find some real ho's to come over here and~~...I mean take a stance on certain issues, and provide a forum for some of my loyal readers (who have been reading the same article for the last two months).

So the site is going through a overhaul. We'll still talk sports, but now is the time to talk about finances (21.99 Hennessey at Savon, HOLLA!!!), who is going to lead our country for the next four years, what is good as far as movies and entertainment are concerned (I will get guest reviewers who will tell me what they thought of a movie, cd, or something), and general pop culture will be included, as well. Audrey Bitoni has been taken off the top of the page, because I'm into classier girls, and through these times I have figured out that women are the strongest gender because I invited this broad over the other night...she was a 5'1” Asian girl, about 90 pounds, and I asked her if she wanted a $5 foot long, and she said yes...she thought I was using the Metric system, or some shit, because she thought a foot was shorter...but she took it anyways...the strength of her tonsils surprised me. Sorry...run on sentence. I will also put some links in the links tab (duh!). Oh...there will be polls, and not of the $5 foot long variety, either! Polls are trendy, and I think the site should have once every once in a while. College football picks tomorrow, and some other stuff. Enjoy!

p.s. - I probably will not get up in time for the Red River Rivalry, but I like OU (-6.5).

My Olympics Summary

2008-08-15T03:37:00.000-07:00

I wrote an article saying that I didn't care about the Olympics, except for the USA Hoops. I have since been mesmorized by some of the happenings...let's recap:

1. Michael Phelps

This dude is ridiculous...he's the most dominant athlete EVER in the Olympics for one reason...there ain't no pools in the hood. The same thing applied to golf and tennis, and now the best golfer is Black (kinda) and the best Women's tennis players are Black (definitely). All you got to do is introduce the sport to tha hood, and it's over.

2. Women's Sports

Women's sports in the Olympics are like a crappy house party...too many foriegners, ugly broads, and short, young, girls who have crappy I.D.'s, but you say, "what the hell", and try to bang one of them out anyways (WHAAA?!?). Those young girls I'm talking about are the gymnasts, who can't be younger than 16 in order to compete (good rule to have when dating, but may not hold up in court). It turns out China is probably cheating and allowing girls younger than 16 to compete. They won the women's team gymnastics event, and some of those girls looked so young that they look like they had just a dirt infield, without a nappy dugout, if you know what I mean (and, ladies...if you don't know what I mean, get that shit fixed...it ain't cool to have too much grass on tha field). This may be something that you would let your local massage parlor slide with, but it's not cool when it cost the U.S. of A. a gold medal.

3. Nigeria and their abbreviation

I have been watching Soccer and caught Nigeria play a couple of times. They beat the U.S. Men to knock them out of medal contention. The problem I have is with NBC and how they abbreviate Nigeria in the upper left part of the screen: NGR. Now, I may not be the best grammeretician but NGR said out loud is "Nigger". Of course, all the players on Nigeria are black. Coincidence? I think not... And remember that there was never a black person on Friends (in the one episode I watched). I think that NBC needs to change the abbreviation before I organize a Million Man March/Jenkins Family Reunion at 30 Rock...

I know this has nothing to do with the real Olympics...but you wonder why we run from the cops...

Half-Breed Monday

2008-07-28T14:32:00.000-07:00

Today, I choose to focus on two, of the three, most famous half breeds that the world has to offer: Halle Berry and Barack Obama (Tiger "El Nigre" Woods being the third). All are great ambassadors to the African-American race (check that... Obama and Woods are, Berry isn't). All are at the top of their professions, BUT it's time for Berry and Obama to do a little self check on their black sides. Lemme explain...

Halle Berry has pictures taken of her, and her newborn in her backyard and she is suing the paparazzi for invasion of privacy.

One, the paparazzi are wasting their time with these pictures. I don't want to see Halle Berry holding kids (in her arms, but in her mouth, I can do that...sorry...had to be done). That's not sexy. There are brothas locked up who can only jerk off to magazines, and this is the crap they put in there? Ridiculous. Secondly, this is exactly what happens when your white side takes over. Six months of litigation and a settlement. But this isn't going to appease Halle Berry's black side (which she has been ignoring for the last 7 years). What she needs to do is get 5 pitbulls (which should be a prerequisite for any black person who makes more than $45,000 a year), a strap (gun), and a dude around the house who knows how to take care of business. I'm not saying get back together with David "Rough" Justice, because he is a wife beater, but stop hanging with these breezy, male model types. I would feel comfortable with Eric Benet or Gabriel Aubry being around the house, if I were trespassing. Now, if Ms. Berry went out with T.I. or 50, I would keep my distance.

Now...for Sen. Obama, who just got back from an important trip overseas, where pundits will dissect whether or not he has what it takes to deal with the rest of the world, if he were to be president.

Mr. Obama...I know you are confident about everything you say or do, and sometimes people think you're arrogant, etc. But, people are going to second guess you if you're talking to proper to foriegn leaders. They'll be like, "I don't know about Obama, he speaks too well as a Negro to get things done overseas. They might think he's talking down to them." Fuck that. Let your Black side take over. When they ask about Afganistan, remember what it was like to walk into that little Afghani deli on the corner for blunts and a fifth of Hen:

Reporter: What do you think about the direction of Afganistan?
Black Obama: I think dey betta stop following me around (the store) before I put my foot up dey ass! Dey shit's stale anyways, and that nigga Akmed be spitting when he talks...

When they ask about Cuba, and the inevitable leadership change there...remember what it was like going to the club, and getting into it with some Cubans:

Reporter: Are you pleased with what's going on in Cuba?
Obama: I don't say shit! You gotta be careful wit dem niggas...they like to play baseball, so you know dey got some bats in the trunk...

Another good trick would be to pretend that you don't know the difference between Cuba and Puerto Rico. The key is making the rest of the world think you are crazier then they are (a popular Black fighting technique, when we don't really wanna fight).

So, Ms. Berry and Sen. Obama, keep up what you do, but do it with soul, with conviction, and with a fifth of Henny pumping through your veins, and people won't fuck wit ya.

Dream Team

2008-07-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

The Dream Team played in Vegas yesterday, and put on a show, routing the Canadians by fitty. The team is the best team since the original version, and will destroy the world in Beijing. They actually bring up a very good question, though. Would I care about the Olympics if there wasn't a Dream Team going there? No. Do I care about one-legged sprinters trying to make it to Beijing, or sick passes from J-Kidd? J-Kidd. Do I care if Iraq sends athletes to the Olympics, or Kobe lighting up some third-world country for 70? Kobe. Do I care about a 41 year-old American swimmer who is defying all odds to go for gold, or LeBron dunking so hard on a Chinaman that they change the name of General Tso's Chicken to Kentucky Fried Chicken? Of course, KFC. So those are the story lines I care about, other than watching gymnastics to figure out with Eastern Bloc ho's are flexible enough to handle my pommel horse (and when they light the flame with that giant joint).

Signs of the Apocalypse

2008-07-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about how good it feels to be a Mets fan today, versus a month and a half ago, when I wrote my last article. The Mets just finished beating the crap outta the Phillies to take first place today, and Carlos Delgado was the hero. The funny thing about the article, last month, was that I called Carlos Delgado a bum (and the season isn't done yet, so he hasn't lifted that tag yet). Since then he's been the catalyst of the Mets offense (he's hitting .307, 11 dongs, 30 ribbies since the article), and the pitching has been phenomenal. So this is starting to look familiar...like the time I wrote the article about the Giants being good enough to win it all in October last year (NO!!!!! Your never going to stop hearing about that!!!). I'm going on a limb right now, and saying that the Mets have what it takes to win the mediocre National League, and who knows? Maybe win it all... But enough about the Mets, because they have been known to shit on my emotions before (and, with their payroll, they should win the NL)...

I have been in Vegas for a while, and every day's temperature averages 106-ish...so I believe the world is going to hell in a hand basket, and all the earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. are proof. I believe in positive and negative energy (drinks) and there are reasons for these phenomenons...

1. Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is putting a stamp on her career that will make her the most successful cast member of Saved by The Bell.

When I watched Saved By the Bell back in the day, I thought that order of hotness of all the girls went like this:

1. Kelly Kapowski
2. Lisa Turtle
3. Jessie Spano

Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) went on to 90210, then disappeared. Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhees) straight up disappeared. The guys on the show Zach Morris and Screech, went on to NYPD Blue and home porn respectively (yes, Screech was in a porno called Saved by the Smell which we will no longer talk about). And the one transsexual cast member, A.C. Slater, is now hosting America Best Dance Crew on MTV (it's amazing...he actually makes J.C. Chasez look straight). Back to the ladies...how has Jessie Spano shot to the top of the charts? First was Showgirls, which came out in 1995 when I was a young boy of only 13 inches. This opened my eyes to the world of after midnight Cinemax. Now she's going to be on the L-Word...a show about carpet eaters on Showtime. I'll never watch this show, but at least the girl is working hard doing things that make sense, like other chicks. Therefore, she is the most accomplished member of the Saved by the Bell crew, which I could have never predicted.

2. Madonna ends A-Rod's marriage

I hate to bring up Kobe in this discussion (because he makes the world a better place), but what happened to the days when a star athlete would put his marriage on the rocks by banging a hooker, stripper, or high school (I mean college) girl , and denying it until his wife forgave him? A-Rod decides to get caught banging Madonna, and it's not like he owns a time machine. She's 35 and not hot anymore. If I'm paying a guy $27 million a year, I want him to mess with a $27 million dollar a year girl (a.k.a. 5 girls every night, using all holes). Otherwise, stick to being married, and don't let your personal life affect the team. Why is he married anyways? All I know is that I can start writing more slanderous articles about gay encounters between him and Derek Jeter, and that's a good thing.

3. NBA players are heading overseas for more money

I could write a real sports article on how the basketball landscape is changing, and how David Stern needs to change the financial structure of the NBA to allow teams to actually make a profit, but that ain't happening. Bottom line is mid-tier players are getting more money to play in Europe (translation: brothas are getting more money to ball in Europe, and we all know how much European ho's love the brothas...BALLIN'!!!!). So, how is this the sign of the apocalypse? Well, lets put it this way...what happens if Ron Artest signs to play in Iran? Then he knocks up the whole female population. Then in twenty-five years, we'll have a Ayatollah Ron Artest Jr....then the United States will have a real problem. This could happen and David Stern needs to step in a prevent this from happening! I mean...the second Ron Artest steps inside of the Iranian border, they officially have a weapon of mass destruction, and we would have to bomb them back to the Stone Age (a.k.a. Iran circa 2006). I know Ron Ron ain't signing there, but some other ignorant brotha will, and the U.S. will feel the wrath if we're not careful.

no photoshop needed...

So there it is...three signs of the apocalypse...actually four, because Carlos Delgado can actually catch up to a belt-high 89 m.p.h. fastball. Let's GO METS!!!

NBA DRAFT LIVE BLOG!

2008-06-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

It's that time of the year...time for my "Basketball Super Bowl", the NBA Draft. A lot of you may be wondering why the Draft is the culmination of my basketball year, and the reason is...I'M A PROUD KNICKS FAN!!!! We are tied for first right now, and tonight will be a huge indication on what the Donnie Walsh/Mike D'Antoni era is all about...

BTW...some of you may be saying, "Laredo, you're black...isn't the NBA All-Star game your Super Bowl?" It isn't because the All-Star weekend is too dangerous, and no players on my team ever go, so I'm not a big "let's go to All-Star weekend and get crunk" kinda guy...oh yeah

There needs to be a reality show that follows Imus to All-Star weekend. I'm pretty sure he is super-not welcome at any All Star weekend event...especially when Adam "Pacman" Jones has a lifetime title of "Master of Cermonies and Making it Rain and Having People Sprayed Up of the NBA All Star Weekend"....

Anyways....drinks? Check... ESPN on? Check... Live Blog Active? Check... Gas Can and Matches with a one way flight to Madison Square Garden? Check... OKAY, KNICKS!!!! LET'S GO!!!!!!

4:30 ET

Stu Scott is already pissing me off...

4:31 ET

David Stern is pissing me off...Bulls on da clock, no doubt Derrick Rose

4:36 ET

Derrick Rose...one the eventual great point guards in the league...He has everything, and the moves that most guards pick up later in their careers (midrange, teardrop, etc.) he has right now. I hate the Bulls, but this was a no brainer and he will be better than Beasley.

4:41 ET

NO!!!! Stephen A. is interviewing these guys after they're picked?!?! Will he automatically rip the guy the Knicks pick, right to his face?

4:43 ET

Beasley numba two to the Heat...Marion and Beasley on the front line will look like something out of Chernobyl...they're both athletic freaks, and Beasley has orange hair...and so does his mom! Good pick...let's see if he's going to be a Heat for much longer...

4:45 ET

Okay...as a Knicks fan, this is the most important part of the draft...T'Wolves and Sonics...two teams that can throw up major bricks, and what do you know? The f'n T'Wolves take Ovington J'Anthony Mayo...a.k.a. the O.J. that went to USC who didn't kill anybody. The Knicks needed the Wolves to pick Brook "Next Chris Mihm" Lopez....I know the Sonics are looking to pull a tank job on the city of Seattle, so Brook "My last name is Lopez, and I look like a white guy, but I still drink Tecate" Lopez could go next....

4:53 ET

Settle on the clock and David Stern says through his shit-eating grin:??????

Russell Westbrook...DGLjarl;f jarlharh jadl; galdgas fuck!!! I wanted him, but that means one of two things: The Knicks have the ability to pick either Bayless or Love (two guys I really like) or Gallinari (who I wan't to stay away from, but I wouldn't be pissed with) and (2) a trade for Memphis' 5 (while keeping the six) is definitly possible because shedding payroll, for the Griz, will be better for this team than picking a young guy who they're unsure of (a lot of guys didn't seem like they wanted to work out for Memphis)...hopefully D. "the game fixer" Stern comes back announcing a trade that the Knicks have the 5 and 6....

5:01 ET

Love to the Grizz...say what you want about the Gasol trade, but they will have Conley, Crittenton, Gay, Love (lol...gay love), and Milicic 1 thru 5, whoever they trade Mike Miller for, plus they will be under the cap around the same time these five start getting good together...good pick, but I'm concerned with the next pick, so let's go Knicks!!!

5:05 ET

I WANT BAYLESS!

5:07 ET

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danilo Gallinari

Gas can...check...matches, check....why didn't we draft Bayless?

5:10 ET
Danilo: "I like to win and play hard" "I like to win and play hard" "I would like to help the team win"

We've had Italian players before, we got Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee playing center, and fucking Al Capone playing power forward......sdagljawr ha;erlhjelhaer lh

I'm taking a half hour off

5:13 ET

Eric Gordon goes 7 to the Clips...a bust to be...with Bayless and Augustin on the board, the Knicks need to see if they can make a deal...WHY?!?!! GALLINARI?!?!

Tell me something I didn't know...GFY Edition

2008-06-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

Tell me something I didn't know...

It's a sarcastic cliche that people use all the time...here's another one: Go Fuck Yourself. So today, I bring back an old favorite of mine, the GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) list. The theme will be things I know but am pissed about. Simple enough...

1. The NBA is fixed...

You don't have to look far from last night's NBA Finals game two. I'm not saying Boston didn't deserve to win, but I am saying that the referee's were sooooooooo into the vibe that the home crowd was giving off, they made a ton of calls for the Celtics, and not many for the Lakers. All you have to do is look at the offensive foul they called for Kobe's 2nd foul and look no further. I'm not saying that they were giving calls to the Celtics, but they were calling nothing for the Lakers. I expect the Lakers to get the same calls, in L.A....but in the end it comes down to David Stern...who get's a big GFY.

Update (6:15 P.M. EST) - Tim Donaghy just said that the 2002 Western Conference Semis (Lakers beat the Kings in 7) were fixed by two refs...I remember watching those games and thinking something was up, but something is telling me Donaghy is telling the truth, and the NBA is in deep do-do (shit).

2. Carlos Delgado is a bum

I know that he's almost 36 and regular humans don't get better as they get older, but here are some assumptions about Carlos Delgado that I have to get off my chest (this is after watching him boot a ground ball in yesterday's game in San Diego...yeah, I know he gotta couple of hits, BUT he still a bum). Here are the assumptions (and he's a class act, so it's kinda hard to lower the boom on him, but at LS.com nobody is exempt):

1. I'm under the impression that Carlos was on something...

YES, I am accusing Delgado of juicing. He's smaller than he was when he first came to the Mets, his production has gone down the shitter, and he swings and misses too much. He gets beat with fastballs in places where he didn't before. He wants to get to 500 HR's and is 61 away...Bring the girl ya brought to the dance...the little green homerun hitters (that's a foreshadow for number 3)

2. His passiveness is the reason the Mets are passive.

So we got this big, black guy playing first base...and he's a pussy (well, let's just say I think he's too laid back, but someone can be "laid back" and still have the fire to hustle every play, AND FIELD GROUND BALLS). I do think he is a good human being, but on the baseball field, he's the guy who bridges the gap between the English speaking vets, and the Latin speaking vets. He needs to be on the back page of the paper more often calling people "Gringos" and "Maricons". He needs to show some fire, and he might get angry and start playing better. A good Delgado, plus a healthy Alou, is what makes the lineup go. The Mets have to be the team that NO team is scarred of charging the mound against. There is no edge. If Delgado said more, then the whole team would have more of a bravado, and the Mets would win the NL East.

3. Carlos Delgado isn't the same person as of two years ago...He's really Pedro Cerrano...

Remember in Major League when Pedro Cerrano needed to sacrifice a live chicken to ensure he was going to have a good game? (for those of you too young to remember, it's a must watch...for those of you to young to remember that are female...310-903-3796). Then they got a bucket of KFC instead, and Pedro hit a game tying home run, and the Indians won the AL East. Well Carlos Delgado came to the Mets, hits some home runs, the Mets won the NL East...but it isn't a coincidence. A great sequel was expected in both. Didn't happen. Remember the crapshed movie that was Major League 2? Remember the crapshed season that was 2007 for the Mets? Both had Carlos Cerrano's fingerprints all over them. Remember Major League 3? Ya know about the '08 Mets... So I'm pretty confident that they ARE the same person. When you look at their pictures...it's no wonder they have never been seen in the same place.

See, same guy...So here is a big GFY to Carlos Delgado...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! (translation: I know a good HGH guy..310-903-3796)

Stay tuned for a David Wright/Roger Dorn article in 10 years....

3. The Chicago Bears need a QB

This might be the only "Tell me something I didn't know..." that's super obvious, BUT... here's the issue. Cedric Benson, Chicago's star, bust running back got nailed for driving under the influence TWICE, in Texas, in the last month (once in a boat, once in a car with some big ass rims). Then the Bears released him yesterday(okay...I started off saying the Bears needed a QB...but I don't wanna talk about it...I wanted to take a stance on how certain NFL players get a long leash, and some don't...but I woulda cut this bitchassni**a last year... there is no real purpose for "The Chicago Bears need a QB"...I just think it's time for a run-on sentence in CAPS, even though white people say 'you speak so well', because FUCKDAPOLICE). YA'LL THINK BECAUSE A BROTHA IS DRIVING A BOAT, AND HE'S GOT COGNAG ON BOARD, HE'S DRUNK? LIKE WE PLAN ON CRASHIN DAT SHIT AND SWIMMIN TO SHORE WE PLAN ON DRINKIN YAK BIG PIMPIN, SON WE AIN'T GETTIN OUR GATORS WET OR TAKING SWIMMIN' LESSONS AND SO WHAT I GOT A FRESH LINE UP, FRESH OUTFIT, BOUT TO HAVE THE PARKING LOT ON SMASH YOU AIN'T GOTTA PULL A BROTHER OVER BECAUSE HE GOT A CHEVY WITH A 454 IN THE HOOD, 125 ON DA DASH!!!

(back to 'you speak so well' mode):

Here's a hearty GFY to all Po'lice who got gotta hate on a brotha because he's flossin'...GFY, puercos...

So, GFY's to David Stern and da' Police (who have to have the most GFY's ever), and a GFY to Carlos Pedro Cerrano Delgado....

Peace, and see ya'll, tomorrow?

Summer Snatch - Finals Edition

2008-06-07T05:11:00.000-07:00

It seems like every time I take a hiatus from writing my article, I reinvent a part of myself, so I can come back with fresh ideas. But, I'm a guy, so the only thing I have my mind on is sex, sports, food, cars, and drinking...so my ideas are as fresh as Audrey Bitoni's pee flapper after a hard day's work (Ms. Bitoni is the girl above, and if ya thought I matured during my hiatus, then you'll also believe that she is a virgin...in all holes). The sports seasons are changing, though. The NBA Finals just kicked off (the draft is coming up), baseball is in full swing, and hockey just ended. Throw in the French Open and Big Brown's eventual Triple Crown victory and you have a smörgåsbord of phenomenal sporting events. You know what's going on already...but you want predictions. And I got 'em...

Lemme start with the NBA...

We're one game into the Finals, and we're in for a classic. This is what the NBA needed, and I think the Lakers are going to pull it off. But here are the most important storylines to pay attention to:

1. Will Stuart Scott stop threatening viewers, and will his eye finally roll out of his head on live TV?

Stuart Scott is dangerously approaching Chris Berman level...fuck dat...he's at Dane Cook's level. Like Dane Cook, he's not funny, he's long winded, and he's probably been closer to Jessica Alba than I have, which is a travesty. The f'd up thing is before every commercial break he's like, "Don't turn the channel or we'll come to your house and pull the cable out." Word?!?! Please, Stuart, come to my house and try! You probably couldn't see the number on my house with your gooogly eye. Why did they get rid of Dan Patrick? Where is he? FIND HIM AND GET HIM IN THERE!! While we're on the subject of the TV coverage

2. Do all the commentators have to be former Knicks?

Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, Mike Breen, Marv Albert...the list goes on and on. It's not like they are bad commentators, but it just opens the door for a Stephon Marbury/Isaiah Thomas broacasting team in a couple years. I can see it now

Steph: That was a great play by Chris Paul.

Isaiah: It was similar to something I would do back in the day.

S: I know what else you would do back in the day...that 16 year old girl sitting in row 3.

Isaiah: That's it! Your suspneded...until the next commercial break.

S: Let's throw it back to Stuart Scott who's on location at Laredo's house, trying to pull out the cable. Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Hi...I'm at LaredoSlider's house where I just had my good eye stabbed out....

Laredo Slider: BoooYah, muthafucka!!

3. Kobe is a better teammate, and he's got AIDS.

All the commentators are saying, "Kobe's a better teammate", and, "He's one of the guys now". Not true at all...here's the translation: He's not banging out broads in every city he goes to now. That's it. Why is he hanging out with the guys? Because he probably got some disease that doesn't allow him to fuck (wheather they like it or not) girls without getting sued. The only whole in this theory is that if Kobe had AIDS, it would be cured tomorrow.

Anyways...Lakers in 7...I'll talk draft tomorrow...next my baseball prediction

The Cubs and White Sox will play in the World Series, and there will be a bench clearing brawl.

It will be Ozzie Guillen, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Zambrano vs. everybody in the stands and on the field. It'll be great. Pitbulls and chickens will come outta nowhere.

In tennis, Ana Ivanovic will win the French Open, and give me a exclusive interview afterwards.

The interview will be viewable on eskimotube.com...Search for keywords: foreign objects, tennis rackets, trophy, anal, shooting tennis balls, and facial.

Okay...last prediction

Big Brown will win the Triple Crown, only to have it taken away after it is found out that it's just Barry Bonds in a horse costume.

It's obvious the horse is on steroids, and it's named Big Brown. By the way, it's great that the horse is named Big Brown. If Big Brown wins, EVERY BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD HAS TO GO TO A BAR TONIGHT AND USE A PICKUP LINE WITH BIG BROWN IN IT. This is a godsend! I've been practing:

"Did you see the race today? Big Brown won...by 13 inches"

or

"I heard that Big Brown needs a new jockey, and is only auditioning white girls"

or

"Hey, baby...lets go back to my stable, so I can introduce you to Big Brown...but, I must warn you...he spits"

or

"Whoops...wrong hole...but, if you leave a Big Brown spot on my sheets...that's yo ass."

or

"I help you pay for the euthanization of any Little Brown's"

Sorry...abortion isn't a joke. Lemme change the last one.

"If you say that kid is mine...I'll run like Big Brown."

There ya go...now you have a guide to sports for the Summer. I didn't want to make a long article, so I'll give ya another one tomorrow. Some Obama/Clinton things, NBA draft, and a recap of how my pickup lines go...I'm out like Big Brown before he spits in some girls eye....

I Know What You Did Last Winter, youblackmothafucka!

2008-03-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a month and a half. Just some random thoughts, and mailbag stuff...

WOOOO!!! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. A month and a week off from writing articles, and I have been taking mental notes on what I should write about once I returned. A ton of ideas have gone through my head (most of them around 1:45 a.m., with my hand in my pants). This includes what type of changes I should make for the new year, to the website. You may wonder, "Laredo, it's March, how is it the New Year?" In the sports fan's world, there are two years in one calendar year. You may wonder, "Laredo, does that mean the 17 year old I'm banging is really 34 and I shouldn't go to jail?" No, she's really 17. Savor every minute of it while you're on the outside. But, back to the New Year, and why March kicks off what will be a special year.

It's almost Spring. Daytona, Spring Training, and Golf get fired up and March Madness takes over my life. It's such a new year and love is in the air. All of my friends have either (A) serious girlfriends, (B) new loves, or C an affinity for Subway sandwiches, sports, making white people nervous, making Asian people nervous, gambling, massages, stealing movies off the Internet, and making a lewd comment whenever a 17 through 19 and a half year old girl passes by. I fall into the C category, and I'm beginning to think that its getting kinda old. I need to start a family. I need to spread my seed. I need to turn the last sentence into a joke involving some young starlets face. So, I'm going to going to make a concerted effort to find Mrs. Laredo Slider over the next year. I'm going balls to the wall with this one. I'm going to get in better shape. I'm going to make a effort to listen to girls when they talk at me. I'm unleashing shock and awe on Jdate. I'm going to high school career days. I'll also go through the ladies' mail to answer questions that give them a better understanding of me, as I will want to pick their brains so I can figure out how to get them to trust me so I can empty their bank accounts and raw dawg them so I can have a young LeBron Laredo Slider in 18 years...I mean have a meaningful relationship. Let's get into the mailbag:

Mailbag

You are a horrible writer...you totally make fun of women and are racist.

-Sum Dum Ho, Anytown, USA

This is actually the gist of 75% of the emails I received in the last month. I think I'm a good writer, and that's all that counts...you must realize that this site is intended for people who have a sense of humor. You may not guess what nationality I am when you read a random entry. Well...I'm a Brown American. That means that there is a double standard that says that I can say anything I want. The funny thing is that people get offended when I write about their nationality, but love it when I make fun of Asians or Jews. Everybody has been made fun of, and written about, so to all the people who have issues with it...Go Fuck Yourself.

I' neyer see a prenis sooo brig!

-Massage Lady, Las Vegas, NV

This is actually the gist of 100% of the dialogue I receive when I get a massage.

The Patriots blew it, I know...I have gone totally Hollywood, and if I see you on the streets, I expect you to punch me in the face and turn it into a public urinal.

-Bill Simmons, ESPN

He didn't really write this, but it's funny how stupid New England/Boston fans are when they DON'T live in New England. I understand that you may watch every game, every night, but because you live in a city where they aren't talking about your team, you think it's Boston against the world. You guys won a couple of World Series because the National League can't produce a legit World Series contender. You squeeked out three Super Bowls (I was rooting for ya'll in all three, I must admit), and you lost to the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS in a loss so bad, it erased one of the other Super Bowl wins ya had. Every time a Pats fan said 'Best Team Ever' the sports gods got pissed and Cleveland Steamered your whole season. If you don't win the AL this year, and you don't win the lowly Eastern Conference in the NBA, consider it rough justice. I thought that it would be a good idea to leave the Super Bowl prediction article up for a month while I basked in the glory of one of the most satisfying championships in city history. I made a 44-24 prediction because I knew the Giants were younger, faster, and stronger. The game felt like a 20-point blowout at the end, and I can't say anything that hasn't been said, but here is a GFY: To all bandwagon Giants fans, and Boston fans, who are the most myopic people in the world. I hate seeing people vehemently root against the Giants, then they say, "oh, I knew they would win all along", or, "they were lucky". SUCK IT! You all knew who you are, and this championship was for the real fans, and none, NONE, of your teams can do anything that can sniff what the 2007-08 Giants did. I found out Boston fans are jaded, and they want to be like Yankee fans, so they acted like Yankee fans, and got the fat end of a Louisville Slugger right where the sun don't shine. And...

Yeah...so what, I wear a Eli Manning jersey for a month straight. I washed it once and there is so much body spray pumped into it, I expect to get tackled by a pyramid of cheerleaders any minute now. HE IS THE MVP OF THE GAME THAT COUNTS!!! And, all black people who said to me, "why don't you wear a black man's jersey?" (nobody has said this to me, but I was at a Waffle House where I thought I was going to get lynched because of it) THIS ISN'T 1960!!! I can wear a white man's jersey! Besides, it's the number 10...if Kordell Stewart comes back to play QB for the Giants, I have NO problem prying the "MANNING" off the back of the jersey, and putting "STEWART" on the back. So here is a GFY to all Giants Apparell Haters. I beat off every time that Giants Championship Sports Illustrated commercial comes on. Haters include Bill Simmons who said he was tired of bandwagon Giants fans he sees in L.A. Message to Simmons: if I see you on the street and I'm wearing my Kordell Stewart/Eli Manning jersey, and you say one word to me....run, nukka! You're lucky I'm on some sort of parole in the state of California, but I got two strikes to burn, bitch! One of my readers put you in your place when they wrote you this e-mail:

The B in Bandwagon stands for Beantown. I'm from NY but live in Los Angeles now and have been a fan of the G-Men my whole life. I will not pretend to argue that 90% of the people you saw could tell you the name of the TE who started for the Giants in the Super Bowl, let alone be able to recognize David Tyree on the street if it weren't for the copious number of tv interviews. However, if you want to talk about Bandwagons begin at home. The Celtics are not the biggest offender, your Red Sox have made unprecidented "fans" especially in the past year. Please ask the next idiot you see wearing a Red Sox hat here in LA the simplest of Bo-Sox trivia ?'s and Im sure the response will be silence. A run as large as that B-wagon jump couldn't be replicated if So Cal knocked down the gate to Mexico and painted a south-facing banner that read "Tecate Gratis!" As my other fav blogger writes "You gotta b F****** kiddin me!" GO GIANTS!!!

Random Thoughts

The page needs a new look

I decided that I would only use this page template whenever a team of mine is in contention for a championship. It was good luck for the G-Men, and it will be good luck for the Mets this fall. The only other thing that I was getting used to was seeing Nautica Thorn on my banner, and I'm going to miss when I take her off. I will say that she is going to be in the inaugural class for the Laredo Slider Hall of Fame. The new LS girl will be Audrey Bitoni (click her name for a little sample of her superior acting skills). I will also put some new links on the side. I have a link for breast cancer support, one for AIDS, one for cystic fibrosis, and one for Barack Obama's website. I think that these are great causes and there should be some good done by the website (oh yeah, click on “Audrey Bitoni” to see another website where you see her get done good)....

P.S. - Miss Bitoni, don't get a big head for being Laredo's Cover Girl of the Moment...Mariah Milano is right on your heels

Audrey Bitoni (half German, half Spanish)

Don't drive across the country unless you have to

I just mentioned I spent some time in a Waffle House. That's because I took a trip across the country. In my predictions for '08, I mentioned that I was going to get pulled over for no reason, and get asked to leave the car for no reason. I am proud to tell ya'll that happened one afternoon last week (I'm telling ya, those predictions are going to come true. I will be at the head of the Hannah Montana empire in no time...and while we're on the subject of H. Montana...is it weird when you, or your homies, are flipping though the channels and then it says 'Hannah Montana' on the on-screen guide, and for some reason the channel surfing stops for 4 seconds, then continues? I mean...I can get through the foreign channels in 2 seconds flat...but once I get to the Nickelodeon section of the dial, shit slows down. Can I erase the last 5 sentences?) So....I get pulled over because I was black and wearing a Kordell Stewart jersey (I was basically asking for it). I wasn't speeding, I wasn't swerving, and I wasn't ghostriding the whip (but I had the urge to). The wonderful police officer of Memphis, Tennessee asked me where I was going, and when he didn't smell any malt liquor on me, he let me go. Pretty uneventful, but worth talking about. Here's a GFY to all police departments everywhere. You dumbasses shouldn't pull over people just because they are black, and look guilty (sorry for the redundancy).

That's it...there will be a post everyday...your comments are also apprecitated, so keep 'em coming. Peace...

Super Bowl Pick

2008-02-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

Today is the day...three hours away...this is how it's going down (BTW, no live blog...I'm already too drunk)...

I arrive at unknown person's Super Bowl party. I smile, and immediately look around to see what kind, and how many, of "B's" are in attendance. B's are anything that start with B that can get a party started: Beer, Blunts, Broads, Bratwurst, Bitches, Ballons (with helium in 'em only), Big Booty Bitches, Big Booty Broads, and Big Booty Broats Bringing Me Beer, Blunts, and Bratwurst (and somewhere we will work Blumpkin into the equation). So I check that out, mind my P's and Q's, and consume more alcohol. I then come up with a plan on what food I am going to eat. Do I eat dairy products, that will be sure to close the bathroom off for 45 minutes, or wait until the second half when people know me a bit better? Is the couch conducive to muffling the sound of a fart, or should I care? Is Troy Aikman going to cause me to throw a beer at the TV? Am I going to use the words "Brandon Jacobs", "hole", "pigskin", "bitch", "anal", and "black" in the same sentence twice (one yelling at the TV, and once talking to a broad)? Probably. What I don't know is the outcome...I think it's going to be close. My prediction...

Giants win the coin flip, and tell Brandon Jacobs to exploit the holes in the Pats 'D and then spike the pigskin so hard off of the playclock that the playclock thinks it's getting anal from a black guy. The game is going to be a game where the Patriots defense will give the Giants something, and the Giants will take it. Tom Brady will get sacked a couple of times, but the Giants D is a great bend, but don't break, defense. The more I write this paragraph, the more I realize what everybody is scared to say...the Giants are bigger, faster, and don't give a fuck... That's my final analysis...Giants 44 Pats 24. Giants win Sunday, Johan press conference Monday, Championship Parade Tuesday, Liver Failure Wednesday. Oh, yeah...no drinking and driving! Make sure you have a designated decoy, if you do drive. GO BIG BLUE!!!!!

College Hoops Saturday - Laredos's L___ P_pe _ock

2008-02-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted the Super Bowl preview/Rambo review yet, but it's only because I have been extremely f'd up over the last 18 hours. I am in the middle of my tailgate/pregame phase for Super Bowl XLII. I'm this close to posting up in Wal-Mart with some beers, getting their display barbecue fired up, and yelling "show me your tits" to everybody who walks by me. It'll be like that guy who is living in an Ikea, except Wal-Mart wouldn't appreciate the free advertising I would be giving them by having to be dragged out of the store, while I was accusing the police of calling me the "n-word". The article will be written for Sunday morning...I still need to get my feelings for the game garnered, and my mind isn't right for predicting the big game. But college basketball? I can predict that all day. Two games. Two locks. Let's go.....

Miami Hurricanes (-15) at #3 Duke, Kirk Cameron Indoor Arena, 3:30 ABC

Duke basketball reminds me of one of my favorite movies, White Men Can't Jump. It starts out with a white guy, who's pretty good at basketball, and he plays in a pickup game with a bunch of brothas. If you're me, you're rooting for the white guy to blow his Achilles and have the movie end right there. But that doesn't happen, and the white guy teams up with the black guy to rule the courts of L.A. Duke is the white guy, buy I can never root for them. I know the outcome is going to be a ending that screams, "if we all work together, we can all win in the end!" I hate that shit. I want MIA to win, and not do it graciously...they won't, BUT they will cover...Duke wins 82-70. Next...

Arizona (-9) at #5 UCLA, Pauley Shore Pavillion (or Paulie Walnuts Pavilion), 9 ESPN

UCLA has a sick squad, and they should get to the Final Four (again). Zona has a couple of bona fide NBA guys (Bayless and Budinger) who can keep them in games against anybody. The problem with UCLA is that they aren't going to play a tempo that's going to allow them to have a nine-point lead, at the end of the game. They grind it out, and play fundamentally on both ends of the floor. Nothing wrong with it, but it is as boring as a paragraph where I really talk about X's and O's (like this last one). UCLA wins 78-72

That's all...I need to get more blood in my alcohol stream, so I'm going to take a nap, but we're less than 32 hours away from the Super Bowl...I can't wait...

No Laptop...No Problem

2008-01-31T11:51:00.000-08:00

My laptop broke (which is probably a message from God...telling me to ease up on the Asians, Jews, etc.). I'm not going to have it for the big game, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have a live blog. I'll be doing it from my phone. I hope that everybody can do without my wonderful Microsoft Paint pictures, but I figured a way to get pictures up, from my phone to the blog, and I'll have wonderful pictures of the Super Bowl party I am at. Which brings me to the homework for my readers. I want to see ridiculous moments from the Super Bowl parties you attend. Take a piss in the punch bowl? Send a pic of it to me. Puke on somebody's flat screen TV? Send a pic of it to me. Accidentally punch a Pats fan for running their mouths? Send it... Get pulled over after the party for drinking and driving then you get tasered? Send it... Now starts my Super Bowl party...I will be drunk for the next 120 hours, so Giant fans...LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!

Tommorrow...Giants/Pats predictions and Rambo review...Saturday...College Hoops Picks...Sunday...live blog...Monday...Recap

SANTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-29T14:00:00.000-08:00

The Mets just completed a deal to bring Johan "the best pitcher in the league, SUCK IT!!!!!" Santana to Queens. I don't have much to say except that I am a happy sports fan, because now one of my teams is playing for a championship, and another will follow. AND, the Mets gave up nothing (4 minor league prospects)!!! I'm besides myself, so I'm going to interview myself.

Me: Johan Santana is a Met...

Me: Yeah...I know...I predicted it June 19, 2007

Me: How do you feel about Johan Santana being a Met?

Me: It feels great.

Me: How are you going to celebrate?

Me: By going to the liquor store and getting some Hennessey.

Me: Don't you think you should stop talking to yourself before you go to the liquor store.

Me: No...like it would be weird to see a black guy talking to himself outside of a liquor store.

Me: True...maybe we can panhandle, too!

Me: Sounds like a plan...

LET'S GO METS '08!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS '08!!! LET'S GO RANGERS '08!!! Knicks...'08 is our year...for getting the number one pick. Phuck Philly!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Fine! I'll post a Double B article...

2008-01-28T09:14:00.000-08:00

It's Monday, and I'm restless. So close to the big game, and I don't want to write about the game until my Friday article where I predict the outcome of the game. I can't watch TV this week, but if the Double B was writing and creating these shows, I would probably watch. Oh yeah...***WARNING*** The Double B is Jewish. Therefore, all these shows will be shown on public television. Everybody should be able to see it, besides, cable is too expensive.

Sometimes I feel I’m the only person that doesn’t care about the writer’s strike. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy TV just as much as the next person, but it’s all terrible. I’ve been more entertained this year than last year. I’m hoping this strike will start killing off terrible shows. I can’t count how many times I’ve see an advertisement for a show I’ve never new existed. Then I find out it’s been on the air four years! (Median, Numbers, Law and Order: Five, etc..) Give me more game shows. I want to win money while I watch TV. Start showing programs we don’t have in the U.S. The UK shows some crazy stuff.

Before Hollywood does something drastic and resolves the strike, I made a list of moneymaking shows that need to be made. Unfortunately, I had high hopes for American Gladiators, but right now it’s kind of gay. And I don’t mean “gay” in the stupid way, I mean gay. The show can still be fixed, but I’ll let NBC figure that out. Here are my ideas.

The Miami Heat desperately needs Shaq to retire. He’s due to make $20 million a year for standing under the basket accumulating three-second calls. I suggest the Heat trade him to Spike, Comedy Central, or ABC, and give him his own show. The man has charisma, charm, and wit. Which are three things Jimmy Kimmel is lacking. Imagine the possibilities. Penny Hardaway can be the sidekick that can’t get off the couch because his knees are fucked. Marv Albert will be the in-studio announcer and sexually harass every female audience member - I smell 19 seasons. In case you forgot how funny Shaq is, here’s a link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWqPnEGzfK8&feature=related

New York Knicks: All Access. I’m not sure I need to write anything. I have a few ideas of what happens behind the scenes. Isiah Thomas collects his pimp money every Monday and Friday. Eddy Curry eats about 20 Blimpie subs and gets another stretch mark on his body. Instead of hitting the gym and losing weight, he gets another tattoo to hide it. This will be the emotional segment. Starbury will bang interns while endorsing cheap shoes. David Lee will go to Synagogue. And Nate Robinson will take target practice on local thugs every Tuesday and Sunday.

Terrance and Philip. Hire scab writers to create this cartoon that should have been made seven years ago.

Chuck Norris attempting to act out his myths.

Girls Gone Wild Partially Nude Show. Don’t get me wrong it will suck not having full nudity, but Spike TV needs to start showing more T & A. It’s also never gets old seeing drunk college girls making mistake after mistake for a shirt.

Prank Phone Calls. Buy a few ounces of pot and booze, find some teenagers skate boarding, and give them a phone and the Yellow Book. 1 out of 10 calls will be hilarious.

Lastly, a show called Fights. The show will show all kind of fights. Fist, dog, knife, gang, verbal, and divorce are just the beginning.

I propose...two more lead pipe locks

2008-01-27T07:40:00.000-08:00

Some of you are probably wondering when an article from the Double B is going to appear on LaredoSlider.com again. Was there a falling out between the Double B and Laredo? Is there a 168 hour sale going on somewhere that is keeping the Double B away from the keyboard? Is there a Jewish holiday (other than a 168 hour sale) that prohibits the Double B from turning on a computer? Is typing too athletic, and dangerous, for the Double B? Can Laredo Slider come up with more Jewish jokes? I'll answer all the questions for ya: No, Maybe, Maybe, Probably, All Day Long, Biaaattch! Truth is, he has typed an article, but I'm really superstious right now, and holding on to it. Today marks a week from when the biggest Super Bowl, in a long time, kicks off. My Giants are hot, and as a fan I need to keep all loser fans from this site (The Double B is a Bears fan). I don't want whatever "mojo" Rex Grossman had last year rubbing off on my team. This year's underdogs are for real, and I'm not writing about the game for a reason. I need to keep things in perspective, and reserve all my energy for the 5-state riot I'm going on after the game. So everybody gets to read about Hooker-Offs, college hoops, and the NBA. Today is an NBA day...two games on ABC...Boston at Orlando and Kobe vs. Bron...

Yesterday, I picked two gems, and if you played them, no need for thanks...just send hookers, Guiness, and weed to my room, if I visit your city (see Mathematical Equation below). Today's games are tough because you never know when NBA players want to play. Some nights they just mail it in. Can I call these two games "Lead Pipe Locks"? I guess I can, but be cautious whenever you play the NBA...

Boston (-2) at Orlando

This is actually easy money. Boston is favored by two, but they will probably win by more than a bucket. Just to show how fixed the NBA is, I'll predict the game:

One o'clock starting time means that most of the players are half asleep (some of them would be getting to bed at this time). Boston comes out hot and almost buries Orlando early on. But, wait! The game is on ABC! The refs step in and rig the game to make it close in quarters 2 through 4. Maurice Evans and Keith Bogans try to break the record for most bricks tossed up, then the ABC cameras center in on J.J. Redick on the bench. They then say, "he can help a team somewhere". I then say, "yeah, in Korea...North Korea". Kevin Garnett almost gets ejected, Dwight Howard misses some big free throws, and Ray Allen gets hot down the stretch. Celts win 99-93

Cavs (+4) at The Lake Show

Kobe vs. LeBron, the two best players in the galaxy. The Lakers haven't been the same since Andrew Bynum has gone down, and the Cavs have been hot. This may be an epic game because 1.) LeBron doesn't fully believe he is the best player in the world, and he has to beat Kobe to prove it, and 2.) Kobe still knows he is the best, but his teammates have gone back to sucking, so he will shoot every time. Somebody is going for 50. Look for Kwame Brown to thoroughly embarrass himself 3 times this game. Jordan Farmar (the best Jewish player, EVER) will have an oppritunity at a wide open layup, and then take a three pointer because of the better value. Cavs win 107-101 (Kobe drops 53)...

Last, and certainly least, is the on-ice proposal of marriage from John Baldwin to Rena Inoue, last night. They are figure skating partners and after they finished their routine yesterday, Baldwin got on one knee and proposed (he actually had to do it twice, she didn't hear him the first time) Did I mention she is Asian? I love when I order Asian food and I order with the actual name of the dish (ex. Kung-Pao Shrimp), and they don't understand what you want. Then I'm like, "I'll take a 53" (the number of the dish on the menu). Then they ask, "Eggroorr?" (egg roll). Then I say yes, thinking that I was going to get a complimentary egg roll. Then 53 egg rolls show up an hour and a half later. What am I trying to get at? Don't ask Asian women to get married, if you end up having to ask twice, because in two years you'll realize you didn't get what you asked for and you'll have to put up with 53 of her non-vaccinated relatives showing up to live with you forever!

I think she thought he was gay...

Mailbag and Lead Pipe Locks (College B-Ball)

2008-01-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

First, I want to respond to a comment left by anonymous:

Wow, dude, you are one FUCKED UP person if you wanna go anywhere NEAR jankovic she is one of the ugliest females, no, one of the ugliest humans i have ever seen. I have trouble looking at her, especially in those photos you posted. They make me want to projectile vomit. You sicken me.

LOL... I agree, Jankovic isn't hot, but she seems enthusiastic when it comes down to taking dick. She's also a tennis player, so her body is probably pretty slammin'. I made my pick based on who I would like to bang once, and the one where I wouldn't feel bad after leaving the next day (with their credit card). AND, her role playing goes all the way to Asian hooker! Does this not matter? IT'S A HOOKER OFF! NOT A "SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH SOME ANNOYING HAG "-OFF!!! I put a link to Ana Ivanovic's pics on the top off my links section (look to the right), so I think she is hotter than any of them. Oh yeah, my elevator may not go to the top floor, but it's not like I'm trying to hide it... Maybe this mathematical equation will help you understand:

and that's on a good day...

NEXT!!! Lead Pipe Locks...

I have been hot, because I am probably the only person who watches college b-ball. I have a feel for how the season is going to break down, and if you're a bettor, it's time to get on the Laredo bandwagon. Today, two teams are going to cover, and one is going to surprise America with a big win.

First game....Gonzaga (+12) at Number 1 Memphis

Memphis will win the game, but Gonzaga covers. Look for super-freshman Austin Daye to lock down Chris Douglas-Roberts (who is on his way to All-American honors)...the Zags matchup well and are well coached. Memphis 78 - Gonzaga 70

Second Game...Connecticut (+8.5) at Number 8 Indiana

UConn will prove how overrated the Big Ten is, and how overrated super-freshman Eric Gordon is. UConn wins outright 70-59...

While were are on the subject of super freshman...my number one pick would be Allison Stokke, freshman pole vaulter at the University of Florida. Here is a picture of her with a pole resting on her shoulder...there are too many jokes I can use here, so I'll let everybody else fill in the blanks...

Rambo Pre-Review

2008-01-25T06:43:00.000-08:00

I hope everybody knows what today is. It's the day where women, children, and terrorists can all get killed for no good reason. It's the day where bow and fire-arrows and bare hands are weapons of mass destruction. It's a day where America says, "thank God for HGH because this movie wouldn't be possible without it." It's a day where a movie comes out where some country in Asia gets terrorized by one man, making them look like pussies, but since it takes 15 years for them to see the movie (because we bombed the shit out of them in WWII), it don't matter. Today, Rambo comes out.

As I prepare for the movie, I look to see where it's playing, etc., and there I see reviews. One out of five stars, two out of four...are you serious?!? These reviewers don't understand the beauty of Rambo killing everybody on screen...they say it's more violent than any other movie they have seen (which is a reason to give the movie 4 stars outright). Then they make fun of the plot. Dumbasses. The plot is to kill everything moving. It's like when you got pissed off at "Duck Hunt", when you were a kid, and just pressed the gun against the TV screen and squeezed the trigger rapidly. To all the reviewers: I'm sorry this movie isn't Juno...in this movie bitches are impregnated, and everybody is aborted with the bare hands of a trained killer. Oh, and I'm sorry this isn't Atonement...if the enemy would have atoned, Rambo wouldn't have to go into this shithole and clean it up. This movie is closer to No Country for Old Men. Rambo in Burma automatically brings the life expectancy down, for males, from 19 to 4. Not to mention, the killer here won't get caught (even though this movie will have an ending with closure).

I haven't seen the movie, but I'm going to give my pre-review rating....5 out of 5 stars. I have always wanted to go to a movie where I could sit in the back row, and throw ketchup covered, raw ground beef at the screen and patrons (just to increase the realism). I can't wait...stay tuned for the real review later tonight.

Hooker-Off Update

2008-01-24T12:48:00.000-08:00

Ivanovic wins...Sharapova wins...finals tomorrow..

People know I'm half-Jamaican, but what people don't know is that I'm three quarters Hatian. I come from a long line of Voodoo practicing, witch doctors. After writing yesterday's article, I said to myself, "I wonder if I can use Voodoo to F one of these girls?" So I called my witch doctor aunt. I asked her if it was possible to "F" somebody from 8,000 miles away. She said yes...find out what nationality they are, make a food dish from their country, and stick your dick in it. So now I had to figure out which one of these broads I wanted to "F", and I wanted to do it while they were playing on T.V. They are all Eastern Bloc, and the only dish I could make from their countries was a shot of vodka. I called my aunt and asked her if that meant I could F them all at the same time. She said maybe, but I might accidentally "F" Vladimir Radmonivic, so I had to pass. Then I remembered Jelena Jankovic had those chinky eyes! I ran to the cupboard, poured vodka, soy sauce, duck sauce, nail polish, and a roll of film all into a wok, and stuck my dick in it... It worked, and I have the proof:

First of all, my dick was burning, so I wondered if I channeled some other Asian-hooker type, but then, in the middle of the first set Jankovic started showing signs of getting F'd:

I wanted to take it easy on her, but I couldn't help myself. She was obviously puzzled wondering how somebody could do this, so then she called in a trainer:

The trainer didn't understand what Jankovic was talking about, but I knew. She pleaded with the side judge saying, "A dick this big is fucking me. How do you expect me to play tennis?"

Nobody understood her because of her heavy accent, and because I figured out how to channel her mouth. I also channeled her ass, and after I was done there, she lost control of her ability to "stop from going number 2". She had to take a timeout in the locker room:

So, I've done everything I wanted to do...now it's time for the grand finale. No eye will be spared...POW, right in the kisser...

I guess I should stay a talk a little after such an intimate encounter, but it would look silly for me to talk into a wok. Anyways, that's what trainers are for:

Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08

2008-01-23T13:16:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of "dead" sports in the world. Sports nobody cares about because the quality isn't what it used to be. Sports, like boxing and tennis, that don't have the larger-than-life personalities. Sports that are shown on pay-per-view and aren't worth Americas hard earned bucks. And my biggest pet peeve, late starting and late ending events. Seriously, if an event ends at 2 in the morning, why would I want to watch it? The only event I want to watch is some Skinimax action, or some old-fashioned Internet porn, then I want to go to sleep with my hands in my pants. If sports are going to be on so late, maybe they should combine the allure of Skinimax with the skill of women's athletics. That is my idea, but I think the Women's Tennis Association stole it from me.

Late last night (around 12), I was flipping through channels and somehow stopped at the Australian Open, where Venus Williams was playing Ana Ivanovic. I probably stopped because the Williams sisters are historic athletes, and I wanted to see what was going on (I just lied, sorry). Truth is, I ALWAYS stop when I'm flipping through the channels, and spot women's tennis. I'm a product of the Kournikova Era, so that's the way it is. What happened was that Ivanovic beat Venus, and advanced to the semi's of the Australian Open. She also gave me a semi. She's actually pretty hot. So I'm thinking she might be one of the few hot tennis players. Then, ESPN showed the other three semi-finalist contestants (which caused gave me a semi times three, plus the first semi, which means I pitched a tent that looked like the Superdome). Maria Sharapova was one of the semi-causing finalists, unknowns Daniela Hantuchova and Jelena Jankovic were the others. I noticed they are all from the Eastern Bloc area, and when I Google'd all these ho's, they all have provocative pictures. Let's break down the semi-finals...in the Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08:

Maria Sharapova

VS.

Jelena Jankovic

Analysis: If I had to pick one to marry, it would be Sharapova. If I had to pick one to "F", it would be Jankovic. She seems sluttier, and Sharapova knows too much English. Judging by Jankovic's slanty-eyes, she might have some Asian in her. So her versatility in role playing goes all the way to Asian hooker. Jankovic also seems like the type of girl who will allow you to stick tennis balls where the sun don't shine. She also might get turned on by tennis rackets to the back of the head...Sharapova not so much.

Advantage: Jankovic

next match:

Daniela Hantuchova

vs.

Ana Ivanovic

This is a great battle, but just like the last one, Hantuchova is a little too white bread for me. She's hot, but Ivanovic is hotter. First of all, she isn't skinny like Hantuchova. Second of all, she is not as pale. Third of all, I found this picture of Ana lying in bed, just waiting for me to "f' her.

Notice the tennis racket on the right side. Any girl that brings a tennis racket to bed can cause me to throw my XBOX 36o out the window...she screaming for me to turn that handle brown. I hope everybody watches the semifinals (even thought they will be in the middle of the night). If you see Ana Ivanovic walking funny, with a tennis racket with a brown handle, just remember Laredo Wuz There.

Advantage: Ivnaovic

Sooooper Bowl Update

2008-01-22T03:45:00.000-08:00

Tom Brady was seen in The Village yesterday going to his girlfriend’s apartment, Gisele Bundchen (or as I will be calling her the next two weeks, Jizz El Munchin). He had a walking cast on his right foot, and the media is wondering if he’s going to be ready for Super Bowl XLII. Of course he is! The real story is how he probably injured his foot. I think he injured himself trying to mimic Laurence Tynes game winning, 47 yard field goal, in his sleep. In a related story, Jizz El Munchin has a loose jaw. Or, maybe Randy Moss and Tom Brady were walking down the street, and Randy Moss saw his girlfriend so he grabbed the closest thing possible to hit her, which was Tom Brady’s right foot. In a related story, Jizz El Munchin has a loose jaw and Randy Moss is being questioned.

Watch the video, courtesy of TMZ.com. The funny thing is that Jizz El Munchin rushes into her house with a dog in her hand, and Tom follows a couple seconds later, with flowers. I hope Mike Vick is watching. If you’re going to electrocute dogs, at least bring flowers. It would be great if somebody could past Mike Vick’s head on Brady, and put some jumper cables in his hands.

More Predictions...

2008-01-21T16:44:00.000-08:00

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everybody! I hope everybody is remembering the man, his message, and are celebrating the one race that matters…the human race. Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about another race. A race to the NFC crown, which is OVER!!! As everybody knows, the Giants won the NFC last night in one of the most thrilling, legendary games. The Giants are on a legendary playoff run. If they win it all it will rank with the ’69 Mets and ’94 Rangers as one of the most cherished championships any team has won in city history. Those two teams actually were given a chance; this Giants team was NOT given a chance.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (I did that earlier while watching The Best of Nautica Thorn: Asian Sensation), but I did proclaim in my October 25^th article that the Giants had a serious shot to bring home the NFC title. I also have to go back to my December 24^th article when I proclaimed that the Giants can get to the championship, and I was going to bang Danielle Fishel’s (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”) fat ass at a Super Bowl party. This is kinda scary because everything I’m saying is finally coming true! I am going to make some statements in this article because if shit I predict is starting to become true, then I might as well shoot for the stars!

I’m not going to make predictions like “I’m going to bang Jessica Alba” because I don’t own any date rape, drug-filled poison darts. But I am going to make some predictions that seem very unlikely. I hope my readers are patient as these predictions come to fruition (especially this next one):

I will bang Mylie Cyrus (Hannah Montana) when she turns 18, and I will bust a nut simultaneously while her father has a fatal heart attack. Then she will turn over her financial decisions to me.

I can see this happening because in three years, when she’s 18, Laredoslider.com will probably evolve into a full fledged porn site. So I will be on the fast track of being the next Hugh Heffner (except with ho’s with genetically engineered asses).

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, and give Laredoslider.com a exclusive interview where I ask the question, “Have you ever sucked dick before?” She will then cry while giving me head. It’s not like she is going to be the first president to suck dick (zing).

World War III will start when a Jewish man is told by a Muslim man, working at a 7-11, that one bottle of water costs $1.29. The Jewish man says that the sign say “2 for $2”. The Muslim man will say, “Only if you buy two”. This will lead to another thousand years of conflict, including WWIII.

The government will classify chinky-eyed Mexicans as Asians. Because, really, can we tell the difference?

I will be a millionaire in 2008 after rigging the World Series of Poker.

The city of Philadelphia will be bombed, by the United States…nobody will care.

I will get pulled over for no reason, and then I will be asked to get out of the car for no reason.

The New York Mets will win the National League in 2008.

I will learn to become a carpenter and turn Serena William’s ass into a table.

I will invent a new skin care lotion, like Proactiv, and people will use it…until the day I admit that I was just bottling my own jizz…

I will invent a new energy drink, like Red Bull, and people will use it…until, you know

Scientists will genetically engineer a sausage so big; it could feed a whole country. They call it “Laredo’s Dick”.

The national anthem will be replaced by Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”

Derek Jeter admits he’s gay. Then he tells his Yankee teammates to sniff the handles on their bats because “that’s how he rolls”.

Oh yeah…the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl…Eli Manning will have such a good game that he will finally get his own commercials…for erectile dysfunction (but, hey, who cares?). I walk around for 4 hours after the game with an erection, but I will not consult a physician.

Live Blog - Championship SUNDAY!!!!

2008-01-20T12:09:00.000-08:00

3:26 - I'm a little slow right now, but I'll start blogging in 30 mins...I need to get some drink in me. If anybody wants to chime in during this blog...send an IM to AreYou18Good for AIM. I'll get cracking at halftime of the Pats-Bolts...

3:55 - Okay...7-3 Patsies...I am impressed how confident the Bolts look...the one thing I can say is that the Pats may be 17 and oh, but they are OLD...they are like Pam Anderson 5 years ago (they're hot, but there are flaws...but I would still hit). And, no I wouldn't fuck the Patriots. I'm getting a little tipsy, but I'm not to the point where a 45 man gangbang is possible. BTW...I'm drinking O.J. and Vodka (what I like to call the O.J. Simpson)...Where are the white ho's????

4:02 - The Chargers just put a field goal through to make it 7-6...these fools need to get TD's in order to win...they miss LT in a big way (BTW...it's funny that LT can't go, and the Chargers are right in the thick of it...Running back is a position that is overrated when it comes down to building a team...I wouldn't draft one at a high position...BUT, LT is the best and the San Diego Chargers need him)

4:09 - You know you're the fifth wide reciever when you do a dance in the end zone after making a decent special teams play...or you're just black and happy to collect a check...yeah, i'll chalk it up to that.

4:13 - "Derek Jeter Bitch Made" play of the day to this point is Chris Chambers getting DEEEEEEBO'd for the interception...so Chris Chambers is the worst player of the game so far

4:15 - TD New England...if San Diego doesn't score, and the Pats score another, the game is over...huge drive coming up

4:18 - Bruschi (i'm drunk and don't care if I spelled that right) is on HGH...or he's Mexican...but his head is HUGE

4:19 - Rivers INT...Get Volek warmed up...Rivers has the second worse arm in football...WTF was that?

4:30 - 3rd and 1...no timeouts...can you spell disaster for the Chargers? I can...P-H-I-L-I-P...

4:35 - Pats 14, Bolts 9 at the Half...It's a ballgame...

4:50 - Thank God...2nd Half Starting...couldn't handle looking at Shannon Sharpe...he reminds me of those statues at Easter Island. They're just a lot less annoying...

4:56 - Brady pick...San Diego MUST score this drive if they want to win this game.

5:02 - CBS's commercials suck. I can't remember if they have played an erectile dysfunction commercial yet. Nothing too edgy. No Chevy Truck commercials. I can't wait till 6 when the real show starts.

5:03 - Nate Kaeding FG...14-12 Pats...No TDs for San Diego mean no win...

5:11 - Maroney is starting to put his figerprints on this game...Randy Moss is about to put his fingerprints around some ho's neck

5:17 - San Diego INT!!!! Antonio Cromartie has just swung the momentum to the Bolts. Now Philip Rivers is going to have the most important drive of his life (to this point).

5:21- Rivers can't move the ball...The San Diego D is going to have to figure out how to get superior field position for his sorry ass...

5:32 - TD Brady to Welker...21-12 Pats...now Rivers goes into "Rex Grossman mode"...He'll try to throw a bunch of ill-advised passes, and he'll throw 'em as hard as he can. Then he will leave the game after getting pasted. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

5:41 - 4th and 10 for the Bolts...I would go for it, but Norv Turner proves while he is the only coach in the NFL who has been castrated. In other news, there is a new Martin Lawrence movie coming out. He is one of the few actors whose movies I automatically see. They just played the commercial, and I'm pumped to see it.

5:50 - Time for a Laredo Commercial Break...

yeah...Ines Sainz...whut?!?!

5:53 - Will the Pats cover? I think so...Let's see if they play to cover. Oh yeah, this drive is WHY YOU GO FOR IT ON 4TH DOWN WHEN YOU'RE DOWN BY 2 SCORES IN THE FOURTH, AGAINST A TEAM WHO NEVER LOST...I know what Marty Schottenheimer woulda done...

6:00 - Game Over - Pats 21 - San Diego 12 ... Pats don't cover, San Diego couldn't get a TD...This is a bad day for a degenerate somewhere....

now...for the game of the day, in the league where they play.....FOR PAY.....

DGLJLDG JSLG LGKD GJDLSKGJ DSLGJ D GET EM GIANTS!!!!! SKLDBJ DLBDLB DLB DB

I am officially going to play a drinking game during this game. I don't know what it is yet...but I'm going ape shit...I WANT THE PATRIOTS!!! LET'S GO BIG BLUE!!!!

6:05 - It looks colder at Lambeau than a dead hooker floating in the Hudson River. I hope Troy Aikman and Joe Buck's head freeze and break off during the game. In this weather, I'm glad Brandon Jacobs is on my side.

6:21 - 21 minutes till kickoff...time to pound some O.J. Simpson's

6:28 - Laredo Slider commercial break

Avena Lee - Specialtiy: Oral Sex...Not Specialty: Driving (She's Asian)

6:35 - Fox's new game show "Moment of Truth" looks like a home run...they should get a guy on the show, and ask him if he watches kiddie porn. Then they could lead right into a "To Catch A Preditor" episode.

6:42 - Green Bay wins the toss, and the Giants D gets on the field, while Chris Myers interviews the Predator.

6:44 - Why do Black people have to put as many dead animals on them as possible? Pam Oliver's coat has about 10 dead squirrels in it.

6:48 - Brett Farve almost gets picked...JINTS D...WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!!!

6:51 - Brandon Jacobs sets the tone on the first play...Giants get a gift spot...First Down.

6:55 - Moving the rock...First and 10 from the Packers 37.

7:01 - I almost shit my pants as Eli comes close to throwing a pick...Giants kick a 29 yard field goal...3-0

7:11 - MothafuckinAmaniToomeralregewral ajerlhjaerlkhjrlhjarelareljhrjhrelj!@@!!!!!!

7:13 - MothafuckinJeffFeaglesShankLehjaerl;k hjaerlhjearlkhjaerlkjglaj halrjalr!!!!!!

7:16 - We won the first quarter...3 more to go!

7:20 - Aaron Ross earning his stripes...We have a good one at corner.

7:31 - Tynes FG number 2...He's quietly having one of the best years out of a Giant kicker since Matt Bahr.

7:37 - 90 yard TD Farve to Driver...Exactly what we can't have...

7:52 - While I am drunk, let me point out...THE KNICKS HAVE WON 4 out of 5...There's a darkhorse in the race for the number 6 draft pick, baby!

7:58 - Shouldn't there be a "More Bars" commercial for AT&T that includes Mike Vick and O.J. Simpson?

8:06 - 10-6...Manning needs to be a Manning

8:10 - 10-6 Half...I'm going to be a wreck during halftime....

8:25 - Pam Oliver flaunting her Rodent Skin Coat...

8:29 - Giants burn a timeout instead of taking the delay of game. I no like.

8:35 - Yeah!!!! Refs are fixing it for tha G-Men....UHHHHHH!!!! Fuck Green Bay!

8:40 - Where on the verge of a endzone playclock fatality!

8:45 - Jacobs scores a TD, but spares the playclock. The Pack comes back with a 50 something yard return.

8:53 -Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison...anybody have the address for a Samuel Jerome Jenkins Madison? I just want to drive by and drop off a package....
9:03 - AMANI!!!
9:07 - Bradshaw TD! THIS IS A GAME THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS MUST WIN!!!

9:11 - End of the third...15 minutes 'till the Super Bowl

9:16 - WTF!?!? R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters...anybody have the address for a R.W. Jerome Jenkins McQuarter? I just want to drive by and drop off a package...

9:28 - I'm nervous...I probably drank too much, and when I shit, it will be liquid

9:31 - FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

9:33 - Yeah!!! The referee's know what's up!!!!

9:37 - Will Tynes hit this?

9:38 - No!! Fuck Whitey!!!

9:46 - I don't know if he was offsides, but I feel confident...the D will come thru

9:51 - Okay, R.W. doesn't touch the ball anymore!

9:56 - Steve Smith, biatch!!!! USC Reppin... The Giants must get a running first down!

10 - Bradshaw, Smith...the rooks, baby...

10 - TYNES!!!!!!!!! MAKE THIS SHIT!!!!!!! Game Time!!!

10:03 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coin flip wins....TAILS!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

10:06 - I'm already conceeding the loss...I won't feel as bad if I do it right now. I feel sick. BUT! The Pack hasn't been able to do shit with the ball.

10:09 - Corey Webster! Bradshaw and Jacobs! That's IT!!!!

10:15 - YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments:
Go Chargers said...
Cromartie and the Bolts are in Brady and the Pats head, Upset coming for sure!Did anyone really put money on the Pats -15 points? Flush that 2 week paycheck down the toilet!
January 20, 2008 2:20 PM
Go Giants said...
Let's GO Giants!Not the start to the day I was looking for, first the Chargers play like pansies and then my grill runs out of gas after five minutes with 10 pounds of ribs being cooked, but not before the entire two racks of ribs light on fire scorching the bottom. My first ever ribs experience is looking bad and now I have to do it in the oven using tin foil, a recipe for spending Sunday night eating shitty ribs and having to clean the oven.It's all Good if Big Blue Win!BTW, the Shannon Sharpe analogy was priceless.
January 20, 2008 3:50 PM
Super SuperBowl said...
How do you not ICE the kicker in that situation. ??? Tynes got lucky they didn't call the timeout there, he would have certainly choked if that had happened. BUT they didn't and the Giants are going to get revenge on the Patriots in the SUPERBOWL!LaredoSlider, LIVE BLOGGING KICKS ASS, the extra work brought good Karma!
January 20, 2008 7:17 PM
Laredo Slider said...
See you in Fuckin Glendale! If the Giants win, there will be a movie...you will all go and watch it. I will have a tremendous boner while watching it. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH BABYYY!!!! Thanks to my freinds Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Fernando Bacardi, and Yakov Smirnoff for getting me through the game!!!! Pats are goin DOWN!!!!!

A Dream of a Game

2008-01-15T14:04:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last Sunday. It was a dream where I was watching my favorite football team, without a care in the world. I was drinking heavily, Jessica Simpson was there, and Tony Romo was running scared. It was awesome. I am a proponent of sharing and analyzing my dreams, because they mean something (even if it’s a dream I have over and over…like violating Jessica Alba’s mouth…which usually means I switch the sheets out when I wake up).

As the dream starts, I see a stadium filled with Mexicans and rednecks. I think that I’m at a drive-thru liquor store, but wait…there are 70,000 of them, and a big grass field…so it must be a Budwiser/Tecate Landscaping Peace Conference (by the way…DON’T BUY MILLER CHILL…it’s a Mexican inspired beer recipe that tastes like a Mexican perspired in it). Then I see that the Mexicans aren’t cutting the grass. WTF?!? It’s field-turf! I must be at a football game! Cool! In most dreams I’m usually playing quarterback and scoring (in more ways than one). My last game was legendary:

45 of 45, 587 yards passing…18 carries for 299 yards rushing, 6 Home Runs, 2 Hat Tricks, 11 of 11 from three, and 4 holes violated on every member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Then the Cowboys and the Giants run on the field. I decide not to take the game over, and let them play.

Giants 7, Cowboys 0

The Cowboys come out shit talking, and their QB has a shit-eating grin on his face. The Giants get the ball first and draw first blood on a Eli to Amani 57 yard connection. I’m happy that this dream is starting off well, but then someone takes my clothes off, and I wake up from the embarrassment. I hate when I wake up from a good dream prematurely. I then drink myself back to sleep.

Giants 7, Cowboys 14

I go back to sleep and the dream is turning into a nightmare. Terrell Owens scores a TD, and
Marion (the only Barber that has a penis) Barber is running all over us. I’m getting ready to force myself to wake up before shit gets ugly.

Giants 14, Cowboys 14

Eli decides to continue his “fuck my brother…it’s my time, biatch!” postseason by putting together a beautiful 47 second drive to tie the game. This quiets the Texas Stadium crowd faster than immigration quiets day laborers (a.k.a. Mexicans) while cruising the Home Depot parking lot.

Giants 14, Cowboys 17

The Giants defense is stepping up a bit, and the proper adjustments were made at half time. Tony Romo has the “I’m going to tank this game so I can go home and F Jessica Simpson” face on.

Giants 21, Cowboys 17

Brandon Jacobs scampers for a one yard TD…then he rifles the ball into the play clock in what is the greatest TD celebration of all-time. It was a celebration that took the heart out of the Cowboys. Their fans shutdafuckup. Their players shutdafuckup. I wish Troy Aikman shutdafuck up, but he was about to get his. It was time to put the finishing touches on this classic.

Final: Giants 21, Cowboys 17

The game ended better than I coulda dreamt. Romo was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Patrick Crayton dropped a huge pass. Jerry Jones came from the owner’s box to watch the collapse. And, Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found (actually, in the dream, I already f’d her, Cleveland steamer’d her, and kicked her out of my house). Then there is T.O., in the “Derek Jeter Bitch Made Moment” of the week (Really, T.O.? Who brings those glasses to a football game?I know you had this planned).:

The only thing that T.O. did right was that the only question he answered, in the press conference, was from Azteca TV’s Ines Sainz. Who’s Ines Sainz? She is the hottest sideline reporter on the face of the Earth! What’s more perfect than a hot, Latin sideline reporter? NOTHING! She’s gotta be up for some baseball bat action in between the sheets (she’s Latin and into sports). I’ll leave you with a video montage of Mrs. Sainz-LaredoSlider…

L___ P_ipe _ock: The House of Manning

2008-01-13T08:16:00.000-08:00

Sunday is here, and I AM PUMPED! Giants vs. Cowboys! Let’s go G-Men! In my house we have a tradition. It’s a tradition built around calling audibles, doing commercials, and making fucked up, funny faces when ever we throw interceptions. It’s also a tradition where we go to the playoffs every year. If you don’t know, the house I’m talking about is the House of Manning.

I thought it would be a good idea to get the boys fired up before they took the field today, so we sat down and ate dinner last night. Eli, Peyton, the other brother nobody cares about, Archie, his wife Olivia (a.k.a. Quaterback-Factory Vag #1), and I sat down for a home cooked meal. I received so much insight to what’s going to happen today in both games, and I recorded the whole conversation at dinner. I will copy the excerpts onto LaredoSlider.Com for everybody to enjoy. Afterwards, I’ll give you my picks for today’s games.

7 p.m. - I arrive at the Manning Estate (Plantation) and I’m greeted at the door by Olivia Manning (a.k.a. Quarterback-Factory Vag #1)

Olivia: Hi! I’m so glad to meet you! You don’t have to introduce yourself. (She Yells) Eli! Plaxico is here for dinner!

Me: Oh, no, I’m Laredo Slider. I understand that you get us all confused. I’m here for the dinner/interview.

Olivia: Have a seat at the table! I hope you like pot roast! If I knew you were coming, I woulda sent the other brother nobody cares about to KFC. In the ghetto.

Me: Can you still send him?

Olivia: Yes. And if he gets shot, oh well. It’s not like he’s a pro athlete or something.

7:21 – We all sit down. The table looks good. The pot roast had all the fixings. Sprint phone casserole, MasterCard pâté, fried Citizen watch rings. The pot roast was served on a DirecTV satellite dish, and had Reebok sneaker stuffing. Gatorade was there to wash it down, but I had to watch in HD, on a beautiful Sony HDTV.

Me: I see that you have all the sponsors hooking you up. You must really enjoy getting so much free stuff. Why do I have to sit in this room? Can’t I eat at the table?

Archie: No, you can’t. And, we can see you in there! The silverware is worth nothing, so don’t steal it!

Olivia: Look, Peyton! Marvin Harrison has a T.V. show, and he’s about to eat dinner!

Archie: Shut up, bitch! That’s just the guy who just came to eat dinner with us, and he’s on the security cam.

Me: Well, let’s talk about Sunday’s games. Peyton, what is your key to success?

Peyton: Well, as long as God’s on my side we have a shot.

Me: I mean football-wise.

Peyton: No, seriously. God puts money on the Colts every week. We only lose so it doesn’t look shady. When we win, I get 60 percent.

Me: You get a bigger cut of the winnings than God?

Peyton: Who has more commercials?

Me: True

7:38 – Dinner is good. I’m actually waiting for my KFC, while the family is eating their meal. Eli has been quiet, so it’s time to ask him a few questions.

Me: Eli, how are you going to dismantle the Cowboys?

Me: Eli?

Olivia: Eli, Amani Toomer is asking you a question, honey…please answer…

Me: Bitch, I am NOT Amani Toomer!

Olivia: Oh my God, HE’S DROWNING IN THE SOUP!

Eli pulls his head out, and after he’s revived, he answers the question.

Eli: We’re going to establish a running game, and play action the shit out of the Cowboys’ secondary. The D is going to dial-up pressure early and often. We are going to use unnecessary roughness penalties to set the tone early on. We are also going to decapitate Tony Romo, while the practice squad takes turns violating Jessica Simpson. Then we’re going to tape that, and put it on laredoslider.com, and force him to write two weeks of articles of Jessica Simpson sex tapes, instead of a week of Kim Kardashian articles.

Archie: Son, are you okay? Oh my God, HE’S POSSESSED!

Laredo Slider is sitting in the other room with a bucket of KFC, laughing

Me: That’s right, he’s possessed. I possessed him. You motherfuckers took to long getting my chicken, so I had to sacrifice a chicken, a la Major League when Cerrano wanted to sacrifice a chicken before their big playoff game. I also took the time to possess Eli, so he can win the big game tomorrow. Your wife is also pregnant. She will give birth to a quarterback in nine months. He will be black. Teach him how to throw and keep him away from dogfighting.

The Manning family, except Olivia, run from the house…she’s happy because she thinks she’s having Reggie Wayne’s baby.

San Diego (+10) at Indy

Indy covers. Something tells me that Shawn Merriman is going to get arrested for something midway through the second half. Look for Philip Rivers to throw a bunch of picks. The score will be closer than the game…Indy, 31-17

New York Giants (+7) at Dallas

Giants win outright. Look for a decapitated Tony Romo to be ineffective after being shocked that his girl is getting gangbanged by the Giants' practice squad. In a unprecedented move, T.O. trades himself to the Giants midway through the game, because Eli plays possessed and there is plenty of KFC on the sideline. Giants 27-20.

LET’S GO BIG BLUE!!!!!

Re: Reggie Do It! (Six Degrees of Fat Asses)

2008-01-10T02:21:00.000-08:00

Another inter-office reply from Laredo Slider, to the Double B

Hey, Double B, a couple of points...

1.) If Reggie wants to call it a career, then he should marry Kim Kardashian. But he needs to subscribe to the Kobe Rules. Kobe knows not to get near Brandy, or any of her relatives. He went to prom with her (probably hit it…while she was asleep), and called it quits. That wasn’t a family he wanted to get involved with. He didn't want to get associated with fat asses. So what am I trying to get at? What I like to call the “Six Degrees of Fat Asses”:

Ray J bangs Kim Kardashian (fat ass)

Ray J is Brandy’s brother

Brandy marries Quentin Richardson (fat ass)

Quentin Richardson plays on the New York Knicks alongside Eddy Curry (fat ass)

Eddy Curry plays alongside Zach Randolph (fat ass)

Zach Randolph is the inspiration for a sandwich I created. It’s a bacon, pork chop, mayo, butter, fried chicken sandwich that I call the “Fat Ass” (it’s great with a Diet Coke)

2.) I like the reality show idea, but I don't think Kim Kardashian will do it. Not with Matt Leinart. She's into has-been African-Americans, or about-to-be has been Negroes. Let's line up a stellar list of those and shoot a reality series/porn series. Who would be good? Let's see....

Gary Coleman from Different Strokes...

How about M.C. Hammer ("Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" would be the name of the show)?

What about a "Different World" stars Kadeem Harrison (Dwyane Wayne), and Sinbad? They can trade off, and we can somehow fit Theo Huxstable into the mix...

Or, let's have a show called "Keeping up With Kim Kardashian's Ass, South of the I-10"...I'm pretty sure we can get Deebo from Friday...

I'm pretty sure we can get Kim to fuck non-Blacks...She might be into Mexicans, Costa Ricans, or my favorite illegal alien...ALF!!!

We could make a killing in plush toys, and let's face it, he's nothing but a puppet...We can sell tickets to allow people to stick their fingers in it as he F's her, and she would never know. Alf can also open the door to another phenomenon: Foreign Objects. Do me a favor, and forward this e-mail to Disney.

TRIVIA

Who is the only person to put his balls in the mouth of Brandy and Quentin Richardson?

Kobe Bryant (Brandy, in 1996 after prom, and Quentin Richardson every year when the Knicks play the Lakers)

Reggie Do It!!

2008-01-10T02:19:00.000-08:00

In response to Laredo’s article, I think Reggie Bush should marry Kim. Why? Three simple reasons: he’s going to be a bigger bust than Adam Archuleta, both people’s fame have hit their peak, and the porn industry is a billion dollar industry. The way Reggie Bush is playing, I hope he’s eating Subway every day and saving money, because he’s not getting a better contract. Also, Kim Kardashian owns a shitty clothing store in North Hollywood. Last time I checked, the only thing good that came out of NoHo was the burrito truck on its way to Silver Lake. Just like the stock market, recession is about to hit them.

As Laredo stated, what is Kim’s shelf life? This is the biggest underlying factor. I give her more than 4 years (about 5) because plastic surgery does amazing things, but I would invest in a prenup. I saw her porno and I would definitely hit it. And I’m sure Dr. Ray, or some other Armenian doc, can keep her this way. However, if Reggie is going to marry her he needs to beat the shit out of Ray J. How the hell do you think the tape ended up at Vivid? Brandy isn’t exactly making money anymore, so Ray J has no one to piggy back on. May I suggest that MMA contacts these two men? So, I’ve concluded that Reggie and Kim will not have careers in three years. They must cash in now while the oven is warm. They need to get married and have a reality show. With the writer’s strike, it’s the perfect time to get a crappy reality show green lit. They can honeymoon in Vegas, hire some strippers, make it rain, then film a sex tape - that’s the pilot!

I’m not sure how the rest of the show would go, but I’m guessing Matt Leinart will show up. He’ll probably have a threesome with the newlyweds and impregnate Kim. That’s an instant classic right there. The show will have two seasons, maybe three, and when it’s over they sell the sex tapes. In three years Kim’s ass will take up two airplane seats and Reggie Bush will be Rashaan Salaam (yeah I’m a Bears fan – fuck off). If there ever was a time to cash out on fame, this is it.

-The Double B

Reggie!!! Don't Do It!!!

2008-01-09T01:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Reggie,

I was alarmed last week to find out that you were engaged to Kim Kardashian. I’m not hating, I’m just looking out for the best college football player I’ve ever seen. In matter of fact, I would understand marrying Kim Kardashian if you were an everyday joe, or a c-list actor. I would marry her right now. One, you are Reggie Bush and you shouldn’t make this mistake. You should learn from Kobe. Don’t get married when you are a famous athlete. You should be running through co-eds and groupies like they’re running out of style. Two, that ass ain’t getting any smaller. Kim ass looks good right now, but I give it 4 years before it falls off like Heisman-winning, Trojan running backs who wear number 25, for the New Orleans Saints. She has what I like to call the “Reggie Bush of Asses”. Against mediocre competition, it’s looks good. If I’m you, Reggie, I would get a girl with a skinny waist and big titties. Then I hook her up with a Brazilian Ass Implant. Then I would dump her and do the same thing to another girl. I would do this until the streets are filled with fat-ass girls, with skinny asses and big titties. And, the girl should be younger. Kim is 27, that’s about ten more years than the girl you should be dating!! Another rule you should live by: If you’re a famous athlete, only date Brazilians, Puerto Ricans, Columbians, Cubans, any nationality mixed with the previous four, or sexy, coke snorting European bitches. Kim is Armenian! Do you know what that means? Well you haven’t read Laredo’s Guide for Dating Armenians (or Persians), have you? You couldn’t have, because I’m writing it for you right now. I attached it to this letter. Good luck next year, Reggie!

P.S. – You are one year from being considered a bust. Lendale White is a better running back than you. Get your head screwed on straight. From one black man to another, consider dating white bitches. Just don’t kill them, get in a police chase, and rob people for shit you sold them like that other great USC running back.

________________________________________________________________________

Laredo’s Guide for Dating Armenians (or Persians)

So, Mr. Bush, you met a nice Armenian (or Persian) girl. Think again. She’s probably a Mexican-American mix who speaks good English, because Armenians (of Persians) aren’t nice. They are strong people with family values. You must quickly assimilate with these people, and their families, if you want to be considered one of their own. Here are their values, in order of importance:

Managing Rug Stores
Driving like suicide bombers
Never waiting in line at any club (because their cousin knows the owner)
Using the express lane, at the supermarket, with 100 items.
Leaving shopping cart in said lane
Mercedes S-Class Cars (if it’s lower than a 600, then take the numbers off the back)
Gold
Getting items for free when there is clearly a price on the item
Raising their voices anywhere and everywhere for no good reason

For more on Armenians (or Persians) scroll one line down to the FAQs.

FAQ’s

What separates Armenians (or Persians) from Jews?

I’m always asked this question (because of number 7 and 8 on the list of values…and, yes, I do know some Persians and Armenians are Jewish). It’s simple…Jews are less violent. Tell a Jew he can’t have an item for free, and then they don’t spend money in your store anymore. Tell an Armenian/Persian they can’t have the item, and it’s JIHAD!!!!

Are Persians/Armenians Athletic?

No. But, if you play sports with them, they usually pass to their own.

What part of the World are Persians/Armenians from?

Look at the map and guess.

What does a typical Armenian/Persian family tree look like?

It’s actually called a Family Cactus, and it looks like any traditional family tree. What happens when a black and a Armenian get together? I used my computer to formulate what will happen if Kim and Reggie have a kid and put him in a typical family tree. If I'm you, Reggie, I would be pissed if my kid had a class project that looked like this (click it to see the full size):

Why aren’t Armenians/Persians complimentary?

They don’t give credit to anybody. They just use cash.

Reggie, don’t do it…look at Ray J’s career now that he dated her. He went from R&B clown to porn star (maybe it wasn't a bad move for him). You have one year to figure shit out, and rush for 1500 yards. If you don’t, I might have to write a “Why is Kim Kardashian married to Reggie Bush” article…Peace!!!!

Re: Fukudome T-Shirt Ideas

2008-01-03T21:15:00.000-08:00

This is an inter-office reply from Laredo Slider, to The Double B...

I like the t-shirt ideas, but I think two stand out. Fuk-U Do Me and having the random Japanese characters with translation Fuk-U. But instead of having random characters, maybe they should really mean "Fuck You". This is a good start, but I think that the t-shirt line should be expanded to other athletes. We could have a apparel empire, and be the next Steve and Barry's. Check these out:

We should capitalize on Eddy Curry's celebrity, and make some "Kentucky Fried Curry" shirts. A good gift for the fat s.o.b., buffet-killing, Crisco sweating, no defense playing person in your life. Notice the spots on the shirt of hot sauce and sweat. We can sell these as actual game worn jerseys (like anybody would ever know):

We can have women's apparel, as well. How about "Ben Wallace Panties"? Your girl is going out to the club, and you know she's a slut, right? Just hook her up with these panties and most dudes will run for the hills (except me, cuz I'm a nasty mofo):

Oooooohhhh....I thought of a great Fukudome product: "Fukudome Asian Driving Glasses"!!! Now everybody can drive like their favorite Asian right fielder (and every other Asian)! In matter of fact, the tagline will be: "Now errrybarrry can dry rike der frayrit Asian ry frirrrer!" These will be a gold mine!!!:

Fukudome T-Shirt Ideas

2008-01-03T20:58:00.001-08:00

One of my resolutions for 2008 is be more venture capitalistic. The other is to make more fun of Asians. So I called up The Double B and asked him for ideas for t-shirts to commemorate the addition of the Cubs newest Japanese import (no, not the Mitsubishi Jet Towel hand dryers in the stadium bathrooms, or the addition of Sapporo to the stadium club bar). I'm talking about the Cubs' new right fielder Kosuke Fukudome. ***WARNING*** The Double B is Jewish. Therefore if you buy a t-shirt and don't like it, YOU WILL NOT GET YOUR MONEY BACK. But that's because the t-shirt will be a good value, and you should keep it.

This article might be a few weeks late, but I'm still very excited about the Cubs newest audition – Kosuke Fukudome. It's about time the Cubs have jumped on the bandwagon and signed a Japanese import. Ever since trading Sammy (no habla English) Sosa, the right field position has been a rotation of scrubs. If Kosuke can bat .300, he'll be the savior of the town. And, having just moved one block away from my mecca, Wrigley Field, I'm starting a Kosuke Fukudome fan club. My first order of business is making a killer t-shirt. Below is a list of ideas that came to me on the toilet.

1. Fuk-U-Do-Me

(Just that in white writing on a blue shirt)

2. Fuk-U-Do-Me?

No Fuk-U

(I can't decide if the Fuk-U should be printed on the back of the shirt?)

Fuk-U-Do-Me?

No Fuk-U-Do-You

3. Japanese Characters

(Fuk-U) or (Go Fuk-Uself)

(I'm playing with this idea, but I want to have random Japanese writing on the shirt that doesn't mean anything, but have the translation on the bottom be something like Fuk -U)

4. A picture of Fukudome and then either of these headlines.

· If he can see a baseball, he can see your sins.

· Me Likey

· Smashing balls like your mom.

· Generic Ichiro

· Fukudome! In English that means, suck my balls.

· Sushi Makes You Strong.

· Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

· Asian Sensation

· Yellow Never Looked So Good.

· Fukudome Bitched Slapped Mr. Miyagi.

5. I Kosuke Fukudome Your Mom/Wife/Sister/Dog/Neighbor/etc…

I need your ideas Laredo!

Laredo's Person of the Year

2008-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

Commitment

It’s a word that means so much, to so many. Will I marry (fill in the blank with your girlfriend/boyfriend here)? Is this the job (or career for me)? Will (fill in the blank with your girlfriend/boyfriend here) find out about the side piece I have at the job? Will the side piece go through with having the baby and will I have to find a new job to support the kid? Which leads us back to the question, “is this the job for me”? Commitment is a word that Laredoslider.com considers to be the number one word for the New Year. Commitment is integral to keeping New Year’s resolutions. Commitment is also the one word to describe Laredo Slider’s Person of the Year, “Pretty Boy” Floyd “Money” Mayweather.

Pretty Boy Floyd leads the world in every offensive category: Shit talk, best shit talk in a H.B.O. series, most races pissed off (not in the Imus, “That’s funny…I mean…no it’s not…nappyheaded ho’s does rolls off the tounge” way), most 50 cent appearances at da crib, most white people legally knocked out on T.V., most family members who shit talk, and most money made while shit talking. Oh yeah, he also beat all comers for his belt, so he performed at the top of his sport. He is the best pound for pound boxer in the world. That’s the difference between him and any one else that was in contention for the award this year. Since this is the Person of the Year award, I’m going to add a couple more ho’s, and a bottle of Cristal…enjoy PBF!

"On behalf of G-Unit, and gangbanging, everywhere...I am proud to ax-cept this award...If you're shit isn't in the coat check, don't blame me..."

Slizzie Awards oh-seven

2007-12-31T14:48:00.000-08:00

The New Year is upon us and it's time to announce the Slizzie's for this year. Tomorrow, I will announce the Slizzie for Person of the Year (Person of the Year can be won in the final hours of 2007...ladies, I'm talking to you. Lemme go on record as saying any lady willing to lick my balls, the second the ball drops in Times Square, will automatically get the award). Now that that is known, let's get into the last of the Slizzie's, and the best of 2007.

Baller of the Year

Stephen Jackson -Golden State Dice Throwin' Gun Busting Warriors

There is only one word to describe "Jax": Hero (Ho's Everywhere Recognize One...One is the number Jax wears). He lead the league in haymakerin' fans in '05. He then led the league in ill advised shots, on and off the court, in '06 (where him and Baron Davis, or B-Deeeezie, toppled the Mavricks). Then in '07 he was named captain of the Warriors. He also got a tattoo (pictured below) that is a symbol of him never wanting to use a gun again. It's a handgun with a crucifix. Makes sense, right? His gangsta has payed off, and the Warriors are a tough team in a stacked Western Conference.

White Athlete of '07

Ricky Hatton - Welterweight Boxer

No Brady, Federer, Manning, Nowitzki, or Nash here. They get too many awards, and they aren't really athletic. They just know how to stay uninjured. Hatton got to the top of his game, and got white America back into boxing. He gave every Abercrombie and Fitch wearing cake boy to put down their Wii's and watch one of the great American sports. Then he got knocked-the-fuck out by a slick talking black man. He proved that no matter how much you practice, genetics will take over, and the cream will rise to the top.

Black Athlete of '07

142,343,111 way tie

Best Album of the Year

Kanye West - Graduation

I put 50 vs. Kanye in a blog earlier and put 50 on top. I still think that 50's album is more rugged and more of an adrenaline producer. Kanye has the appeal that more people can relate to. If there is a lady in the car, I usually had a R&B cd because they aren't as abrasive as most things I listen to. Now I can roll with the Kanye CD. It's very well done.

Best Movie '07

Transformers

It has everything I want in a movie. One of the five hottest women living (Megan "Mega" Fox), special effects, humor, Bernie Mac, guns, etc. It was worth the price of admission. I also saw it in the barrio, in North Hollywood, so the antics by the audience was worthwhile, too. Nothing better than seeing a retired crip yell at a up and coming crip, during the movie. I thought that this movie in IMAX woulda been sick, but I think actual bullets flying by my head woulda given me the ultimate movie experience.

P.S. Most anticipted movie of '08 is Rambo. The most unanticipated movie will be The Eye, with Jessica Alba. WHODAFUCK WRITES A MOVIE CALLED THE EYE, WITH JESSICA ALBA, AND DOESN'T CONSULT LAREDOSLIDER.COM FOR SCRIPT ADVICE?!?! THIS IS A WASTED TITLE! I COULD HAVE GIVEN THEM SO MANY IDEAS (actually one) OF WHAT SHOULD BE IN ALBA'S EYE FOR 100 MINUTES. I'LL WRITE THE SEQUEL: THE EYE 2: THAT'S GONNA SWELL OR THE EYE 2: TEARS AREN'T THE ONLY THING THAT DRIP FROM JESSICA ALBA'S EYE. WTF?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?

Best TV Show '07

Boondocks - Adult Swim

The Sopranos and Dexter had a chance, but they are close seconds. The Boondocks is one of the most original, funny shows, period. The anime-inspired animation, with a storyline built around two urban youths, and the voices are the funniest around. I can't say much about a show nobody watches, so I'll put an episode on here (my one of my favorite from this season..."Niggas, Niggas, Niggs!!")

Top Rapper '07

Lil' Wayne a.k.a. Birdman Jr. a.k.a. Weezie the Beast

This wasn't hard. He's the best out right now. His "Empire" mixtape was phenomenal. Nuff' said.

Top R&B Singer (female) who I would like to put in a supporting role (of my balls)

Ciara

Beyonce, Keisha Cole, Mary J., Rihanna, Toni Braxton, Alicia Keyes, etc. would all get it. I think Ciara is the one that exhibits the singing range (a.k.a. best deep throat ability) and has the best choreography (a.k.a. she's a freak). I don't know if she even came out with a song in '07, but I would like to make her take off '08 to take care of my kids.

Top Ol' Lady of the Year Award (women age 26-50)

Rachael Ray

I just came up with this award when I was eating some Ritz crackers (<---first time cracker was used on LaredoSlider.com not referring to someone of the caucazoid persuasion). I look at the box, and I see Rachael Ray. The thought of having her bring me ribs in bed, in under 30 minutes, was too sexy. I can't tell if she is single, married, etc., but she is a catch if she happens to be single. I'm going to send her a batch of my fluffy cupcakes, and see if it leads to anything else (when I mean fluffy cupcakes, I mean Tastycakes topped with my special invisible "icing"...that should work).

Team of the Year

Florida State Seminoles Football

They had 34 players suspended for their bowl game this year. They first had 20, then 14 more were suspended. It was like the first 20 were going to have such a great time partying, instead of playing, the other 14 decided that they would rather be home, too. True teams stick together. What's the over/under on the number of people getting raped/robbed/killed on the FSU campus tonight? I would say 4.

Ass pic of the Year

I don't know who this is, but DAMN!!!

It gets better when I stretch it out:

BLIDOW!!!!!

That's the best of the year...tomorrow I reveal my New Year's Resolution, and the Laredo Person of the Year!!!!!

Fill in the blanks: Laredo's L___ Pipe _ock

2007-12-29T08:18:00.001-08:00

Today is a huge, Laredo sports day. There are bowl games in college football (two super-underrated games: one (1) UConn vs. Wake; two great schools with good programs, and two, Penn State vs. Texas A&M a.k.a. Shit talk University in the Casket Bowl). There is college basketball today (ESPN2 has been hooking it up early this year. Last week, there were 3 really good games on tha deuce. This week may be the same with Arizona vs. Memphis tonight. There will be 6-10 pros on the floor in that game. The Tennessee /Gonzaga game is a good one, too). The Knicks have a guaranteed no loss night, as they aren’t playing. UFC pops off with Chuck Liddell vs. Wanderlei Silva and Matt Hughes vs. Georges St. Pierre (I got Silva and St. Pierre to win). Then the Giants have a monster game tonight against the New England Patriots. Lotta stuff going on, and I should be motivated to write an article. I’m also hungover and blunted, so I don’t feel like writing right now. I'm going to make this one short and sweet (not long and salty, like your sister, mom, girlfriend, or wife likes it). You could call this my “lead-pipe lock” this week:

Giants win 31-28…Eli plays well in the balmy New Jersey weather. The defense will blitz early and often, and get big plays early with interceptions (31 points mean the Giants D will have to get at least 14 points off of turnovers). Look for the Giants to get 5 or 6 sacks against a depleted offensive line. The Giants have what I like to call the “Zach Randolph Defense”. Six or more sacks equal a win. Sacks of herb, sacks of burgers, sacks of QBs, or a sack of Crown Royal riding shotgun mean the night is going well. Look for Steve Smith to have a big game for the Giants. Kawika Mitchell might cement himself as a front runner for the Giants defensive M.V.P. with a big game, too. Eli will go to his third and fourth options without making a mistake, but ends up 16-29, 211, 2 TD, 1 int, and 4 whatthefuckwasthat fumbles (I should have a “Eli Fumble the Snap” pool. I guess that it first happens around 6:24 in the second quarter). LET’S GO GIANTS!!!

Technical Difficulties

2007-12-27T12:57:00.000-08:00

Right now we are having some technical difficulties. I'm too lazy, and the Internet has too much free porn, for me to worry about it right now.

Holiday Jewish Jeers - State of da Bulls

2007-12-27T12:16:00.000-08:00

What's a shitty week, in the life of a Chicago sports fan, without the witty commentary of The Double B? Last week, the Bulls bottomed out and completed one of the most disappointing years for Chicago sports. ***WARNING*** The Double B is Jewish. Therefore he doesn't believe in Christmas, Holiday Cheer, or Goodwill to All Men!!! This article will be critical about the state of the Chicago Bulls.

Laredo Slider has been pressuring me for a post the past two weeks. First off, I was taking my time of responding because Mr. Slider is a douche bag. Two weeks ago I was on my way to the Bulls/Sonics game. Before I left the office the betting line had the Bulls favored by 8 points. I wanted to bet to be somewhat entertained having to sit through a Bulls game. I called Laredo for his expert gambling advice. After screening his incoming calls, he called me back two minutes later. However, his advice was shitty at best. He stated the Bulls would probably blow it, told me to walk away from the bet, and then shouted derogatory facts about my religion. Needless to say the game was a complete blow out by the 1^st quarter and all I have to show for it is a free Big Mac (which I'm not complaining about) and more hatred towards my only black friend. Because of Slider I'm 25 dollars poorer.

I'm a little stuck of what to do now. Do I give him a second chance and redeem his NBA skills? Or should I start calling my white friends that don't watch the NBA till playoffs? I think the only way to settle this is a bet. I bet the Bulls will take the series from the Knicks on January 8 ^th. I attended the last Bulls/Knicks game and it was ugly, uglier than Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph fighting over a dropped biscuit. Luckily the Bulls won that game and scored over 100 points so I left with another free Big Mac (it's a delicious burger). The game is at the United Center, so I'll give Laredo Slider three points. The battle for the 8^th seed is on the line. Also, I'll bet the Knicks miss playoffs. That's two bets Slider! We can wager money or having to root for each other's teams. I will personally send you a Kirk Henrich jersey (three sizes too small) for you to show off. Also, you'll have to write into the Chicago Tribune blog area, Kirk's website, and submit an application, with photo, to be a Chicago Bull's Matador. Let me know your terms Slider.

Finally, I'd like to wish Skiles the best. He did a great job bringing our team back to respectability. Now I can't wait for our team to crumble and completely fall apart. John Paxson has made some decent moves, but lately needs to be bitch slapped by Kobe's penis. No Kobe, No Pau, and still four years later - no big man. Paxson made one three pointer and now he knows how to be a GM? I doubt Rick Carlisle will turn our team around, nor any other coach for that reason. What would turn our team around would be a guy that likes fat sluts from Colorado named Kobe.

-The Double B

Christmas Wish List

2007-12-24T16:57:00.000-08:00

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...

Laredo Picture of the Day - Kobe vs. Lebron last night -WHY KOBE LOST

2007-12-20T23:54:00.001-08:00

Meet your new stepfather...Laredo Slider

2007-12-20T10:22:00.000-08:00

So Jamie Lynn Spears gets pregnant, and it causes the American public to reevaluate their morals. "What will I tell my kids?", or, "can I let my kids watch her show?" Here, at Laredo Slider, we concentrate on more important questions. And, we deal with what's going to happen in the future (it's not good to dwell in the past, and what mistakes this young lady made). So I must ask the question, "In 2026, is there going to be a hotter mother/daughter combo than Jamie Lynn Spears, and her daughter?" (assuming she will have a girl). I'm not saying that some guy should marry Jamie Lynn in a few years, help raise her daughter, then bang the daughter. That's sick. I also must remind my readers that stepdaughters ARE NOT BLOOD RELATIVES. There has to be a middle ground on how to exploi...i mean...give this young family the love they need. The first scenario would have to be tweeked a bit, and it would make sense. Marry Jamie Lynn in 17 and a half years (there is a 75 percent chance she will still be single...source: my dick), and then give her daughter the high, hard one (there is no doubt that this girl will walk in same footsteps of her mother and aunt). Then divorce Jamie Lynn, and skate with half her money and her daughter (because that's the lifestyle that you're used to). Then, shoot a reality series. Repeat as necessary.

So what's the real lesson? Do not have a daughter because this is exactly what happens when you procreate after drinking brown liquor, eating too many pork sandwiches, and watching too much NASCAR. Then find yourself in situations like the Spears' and this poor father in the video:

Will the REAL T.O. please stand up? Thank You...

2007-12-19T14:03:00.000-08:00

In a story just posted by the AP an hour ago, T.O. is talking shit to Jessica Simpson:

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite -- in this locker room or in Texas Stadium."

"With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away," Owens said, echoing the chatter on sports-talk radio and blogs. "Other than that, she was high on my list until last week. "Oh, I got a message for her when we make the playoffs. Just stay tuned," he added.

Knowing T.O. there are only five things that can come out of this:

1. T.O. punches Tony Romo when he throws 4 int’s in a playoff game.

2. T.O. punches Jessica Simpon when Tony Romo throws 4 int’s in a playoff game.

3. Authorities find T.O.'s list. It's called "White Bitches that May Fuckup My Season". Wade Philips is one, Donovan McNabb is two, Jeff Garcia three, Tony Romo four, and Jessica Simpson five.

4. T.O. decides that if Jessica Simpson hangs around Texas Stadium, she has to "hook up" the whole team.

5. Two words: Rape Kit

So, T.O. is having a great year, and his team is 12-2...why can't he be happy? Because Tony Romo is taking his “shine”. How is T.O. going to get commercials, and shit, when Jessica Simpson is getting more publicity and air time, during the football game? I think the “tear the team apart” T.O. is right around the corner. As a Giants fan, I can’t wait.

Laredo Slizzie: The "it" athlete of 2007

2007-12-19T08:09:00.000-08:00

I don’t know what happened to SportCenter. It seems that they have gone completely away from the true highlights that make sports special, in lieu of stupid fake contests that they make up. Or, they blow things out of proportion regarding relationships between different athletes and celebrities (like, did Tony Romo have a bad game, last weekend, because Jessica Simpson was in attendance? One, I don’t care. Two, I hope Romo gets his legs broken). Then there is this other shit that ESPN loves to do: Who’s Next? Who is the next “it” athlete? WHODAFUCKCARES!?!?! I can make it easy, and I’ll tell ya who Laredo Slider’s “it” athlete of the year is. So here is the second Slizzie presentation of the year. Laredo Slider’s “IT” Slizzie of ’07!

When I am looking for the “it” athlete, the parameters are totally different than what ESPN is looking for. Off the field performance counts as much as on the field performance. Here are the nominees:

Roger Clemens: Has successfully taken the attention of off Barry Bonds by getting named in the Mitchell Report.

“IT” Factor: Is on “it”, but won’t admit “it”. Pros: Had a funny cell phone commercial. Stole money from the Yankees. Cons: Bombed my fantasy team.

Adam “Pacman” Jones: A contender in all Slizzie categories. A constant entertainer, who never disappoints the American public. He gets suspended from the NFL (which was entertaining), then starts wrestling with TNA wrestling (which is entertaining).

“IT” Factor: Makes”It” Rain Pros: Known to cause twenty dollar bills to come from the ceiling (for visual effect), at the strip club. Cons: Causes people to get shot. “It” could be you!

Stephon Marbury: A prodigal son of Laredo Slider. I wear his gear, and I am a huge Knicks fan.

“IT” Factor: Went to a strip club with a Knicks intern. Took her out to his SUV, and hit “it”. Also, gave many fucked up interviews, making people wonder if he’s on drugs. Pros: Fifteen dollar sneakers. Cons: Fifteen dollar point guard play.

Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova: Gulbis is kinda hot, Sharapova is hot (but 6’1”, which is a good thing…for me…cuz my dick is like 8’11”), and Kournikova could possibly be the hottest there is (now that Alba is pregnant…what a bitch…what’s more important, Jessica? Being a mother, or being a hot piece of ass?) . The important thing is that these three ladies play (or used to play) a sport. What sports? I don’t know.

“IT” Factor: Googleable pics that are real. Googleable pics that just have their heads photoshopped onto naked bodies. Either way, I win. Pros: They’re all foreign…don’t understand terms like “Dirty Sanchez” or “Cleveland Steamer”, until it happens to them. Cons: None.

Tennis star Anna Kournikova posing for a magazine on top. Shot of her seeing how wet she is after reading this column, bottom.

Golfer Natalie Gulbis...right before I take my driver out, drive my balls through the rough, and put "it" in the hole

Tennis star Maria Sharapova posing for S.I. on the bottom...on the top, doing a stretch that makes me wish I had photoshop. What stretch is that, anyways? I've seen girls leave my apartment doing that stretch, but it never helps their limp.

And the Winner is: Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova

Nobody should be surprised. The last time I nominated three broads for one award, they won. I hope females recognize Laredo Slider is a female friendly site, where I respect the strides made by women in the world (and I give awards for it). I understand that it takes at least three women to defeat men in anything (other than math, sports, driving, voting, science, and being president, where men own. And, women, don’t say, “Hey, you’re black and haven’t always been able to vote.” That’s a bad argument. I vote every year. Bron, Kobe, T-Mac, K.G., and B. Deeeezie, bitch!! Every year my vote gets them to the all-star game.) Okay, so this website isn’t exactly “female friendly”, but if you ladies decide stop working so hard and start showing some skin, and work out, and unlearn English, you can win a Slizzie.

"It" Athlete of 2007

The 1st Annual Slizzies

2007-12-11T11:20:00.000-08:00

It's nearing the end of the year, and I am handing out awards to the people, things, animals, women, etc. that have made 2007 a special year. I don't want to put it in one article because I know people who read this website have the attention span of me during high school girls volleyball practice, and I can't make the article too long (just kidding, I really mean womens' college volleyball...they don't let me in school zones anymore). Basically I'm going to run down different categories until the final category, which will be "Laredo Slider's Person of the Year".

What is a Slizzie ? It can be two things. It's the trophy I hand out to people who win each category, or it's a slang term for stuff dripping down a girls' back, chest, face, etc. after "making love". Either way, people should be honored to get it (or gettin' it on her). This is an important award, and like the Oscars, Grammy's, etc., I need to create a trophy that is legendary. So, I decided to take the things I liked and put it into one trophy. Hennessey, weed, blunts (Dutchmasters), chicken and hot sauce (Red Rooster), automatic weapons (AR-15), white ho's (Jessica Alba), and a sick crossover. That's all I need in life, and when I hand out the trophy, I want the recipients to feel that this is the only trophy they need in life (even though nobody has a nastier crossover than me). Here it is:

On to the first catagory:

Most Gangsta Operation of the Year

Nominees:

Madison Square Garden - Sexually harassing employees (and nobody gets fired), banging interns

Bad Newz Kennels/Michael Vick - Dogfighting

Pacman Jones - "Making it Rain" in the strip club, triple shooting ensues, Pacman gets 100 hours communtiy service

O.J. Simpson - Stealing back shit that he sold to somebody years back.

Barry Bonds - Breaks Home Run record, on steroids

Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears - Drugs, Alcohol, going the wrong way down highways, getting kids taken away, AND STILL STACKIN' PAPER!!!!

Winner:
Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears
Pacman, Barry, and O.J. were close in the voting, but the they got zeros in the "white ho's that I would fuck" catagory (and I'm sure they would understand). Madison Square Garden had to pay 11 million dollars to some ugly bitch (who NONE of them got pregnant), and the Knicks still suck. Mike Vick is going to spend the next couple of years beating off to National Geographic, in jail (he also lost about 145 million). Bonds was close because people would rather go to jail, than snitch on him, and he hasn't lost money due to his transgressions. Pacman didn't get to play football this year, even though he did "make it rain" in the club. He is real close because "making it rain" is one of the values that I want in Slizzie recipients. And O.J. is going to jail, but he did use overwelming force in stealing his shit back, which is another value that I want in Slizzie recipients. What it comes down to is the four Hollywood broads are sooooooo much more gangsta than any of them. The only people who are getting turned off by these broads are other broads! Broads like other broads like Nicole Kidman, "because she's so classy, and she's a great actress, blah, blah, blah". FUCK DAT!!! I don't like pale bitches who are classy. I like young white ho's, who like to party, and fuck, and drive fast cars, drunk at night down the wrong way of the I-5!!!!! AND THEY STILL STACK CHEDDA!!! The reason that they still get attention is because dudes like them! The only one that is remotely hot is Lohan, but whodatfuck cares?!?! I would marry Brittney Spears right now, and take care of her kids...check that...I would marry Brittney Spears right now and let the kids run around the house sticking their fingers in outlets...while I smoke weed on the couch playing XBOX 360, and spend dat bitches money!!! So, ho's, this Slizzie is for you!

Most Gangsta Operation '07

Laredo's Picture of the Day

2007-12-10T22:10:00.000-08:00

"Freeze!! This is a stickup, nigga! Fifty dollars on the premises, my ass! And turn the deep fryer back on!!"

Kevin Weekes, New Jersey Devils

An Ode to Grossman

2007-12-10T14:37:00.000-08:00

The Bears died this weekend (no, Michael Vick didn't escape jail and flee to Canada, where he started a bear fighting ring, only to kill bears who didn't win...then Vick ironically entered the Iditerod where he started the race with 8 dogs, only to finish with 2 really pissed off dogs). The Chicago Bears pretty much ended their one year run of being relevant. And it may be the end of the road for the "Sex Cannon" Rex Grossman. I don't really care about the Bears, but I like to see them lose. And I like to hear the misery of their fans. So here is The Double B's state of the Bears report after the loss to the shitty-ass Redskins:

An Ode to Grossman

With Thursday’s devastating loss to the Redskins, the Bears find themselves without Rex Grossman and without a playoff birth. As a Bears fan I’m not surprised we missed the playoffs. Last year’s schedule was easier than taking home the drunk, fat, horny girl and enticing her with pizza and ribs back at your pad. However, it’s the end of era in Chicago. This is Rex’s contract year, and the Bears would have to be stupider than Ron Turner calling a run up the gut on third and ten, than to resign Grossman (yes, Ron Turner is about as entertaining as Jessica Alba’s acting, just take it off already). Like most of Chicago I’m not sad to see him go. Unlike Mark Prior (I hope you die), I wish you well, Grossman. You’re Jewish (huge plus), you party with groupie hoes from the western suburbs (call me next time), and you like showing off that sexy arm by chucking it downfield when you know Berrien is overrated.

Grossman took a lot of heat as the main man, most of it deserved. However, I did enjoy wondering which Rex would show up. I always based my prediction on how hard he wanted to go out drinking the night before with neck beard (that’s Kyle Orton, and no I don’t want him running our limp dick O). What quarterback, week after week, offers the excitement as Grossman? Will he throw for 345 yards? Will he make Mohammed not look like a washed up piece of shit? Or will he get sacked twice in the 1^st quarter, get frustrated and say, “fuck it I’m throwing it deep.” How does a team replace that? And I have an answer, Donovan McFuckingNabb.

It’s obvious the Bears are great at signing washed up shitty quarterbacks. We are even better at drafting shittier quarterbacks and running backs. Why not sign McNabb and put him behind an O-line that can’t block? Let McNabb show how old and beat up he with a sub-par receiving core and no running game. And, if that doesn’t work out, Grossman will be a free agent in two years (he’ll get the same offer Joey Harrington got). I tip my hat to Grossman as he walks out the door. Best of luck with your new team, but you’ll probably get injured in the pre-season and be out of the league next year anyway. Sexy Rexy will be missed, but missed in the way that I miss my yearly prostate exam.

Thanks, Bruce, but the Bears are a joke of a team. No, seriously...A black guy (Hester), a Jewish guy (Rex Grossman), a white supremacist (Brian Urlacher), and a Muslim (Mushin Mohammed Al-Zarqlrgjqerogieqrgi) walk into a stadium, trying to win a football game, when the black guy says, "I'm really good at football, but I don't have a position...I do run like I stole something, though." The Jewish guy says, "I was good at football in college, but my judgment is as good as Lance Briggs at 1:58 am, right after he gets his keys from the valet." The Muslim says, "are you really Jewish? only because you suicide bombed our team this year, as if you're going to bang 40 virgins in heaven." They lose the game and the white supremacist threatens to kill them all, until the black guy nervously says, "Let's get the Jewish guy outta here. I know this guy who can play, and he's Irish". The white supremacist agrees, and spares them all...until he sees the Irish guy is black (Donovan McFuckinNabb)!!!! LOLOLLOLLOLOLLOLOL...good luck next decade, Chicago.

Mayweather vs. Hatton I

2007-12-08T16:40:00.000-08:00

Mayweather and Hatton face off tonight in one of the so-called “fights of the century”. The last “fight of the century” was the May 5^th match up between Mayweather and De La Hoya. I hate using the tag “fight of the century” because they don’t have the sexy (no homo), heavyweight match ups that boxing was built on. These bouts usually had one guy (or both guys) hitting the canvas, and these guys were bigger than life. Foreman, Ali, Frazier, Tyson, Marciano, Lewis (the Brown Bomber, not Lennox “I look like Predator, but sound like a fag” Lewis), and Holyfield were the only fighters that could create a fight of the century because they were the best athletes. Now the best athletes play football, baseball, and basketball for fear of not getting their face turned into mush. So what is the appeal between a couple of welterweight fighters going for the crown? One (1) Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a hip-hop generation, loud-mouthed, dominant, Negro fighter, so the hood, and streets, are going to back up Junior. Two (2), Ricky Hatton is the great white hype, just a lot better, so everybody else is going to back up Ricky. So it’s like black versus white (the blacks lost the last fight…Milton “Jeff Kent don’t understand black people” Bradley vs. Jeff “anybody can be a nigger, you don’t have to be black” Kent in the Dodgers dugout in ’05). I won’t bore anybody with my prediction (PBF in a unanimous decision 8-4), but I will analyze what it means for a person to be rooting for either fighter when you go to your fight parties/bars tonight.

If you see an Asian woman rooting for Hatton: She is a traditional Asian…she likes guys who are humble, but confident. Maybe the only non-Asian she can take home to daddy.

If you see an Asian woman rooting for PBF: She’s into materialistic things, and she wants “chocolate” (black dick).

If you see an Asian guy watching this fight: You won’t…UFC’s Ultimate Fighter finale is on tonight, and they’ll be watching that.

If you see a Jew rooting for…who am I kidding, this shit’s on Pay Per View…

If you see a Latina rooting for PBF: She likes “chocolate”, and hates white people but…

If you see any other wetba…I mean, person of Latin descent rooting for PBF: they want to be black. Floyd is one of the most hated people amongst Latinos. Actually, here is the list of people Latinos hate the most:

1. George Bush

2. Floyd Mayweather Jr.

3. People who don’t buy oranges on street corners

4. Federali

5. All other white people

After the Cinco De Mayo fight, Mexicans would come up to me and the following conversation would ensue:

Pablo: You know Oscar won.

Me: No he didn’t. You can take my plate now, that was a big burrito…I can’t finish the rest.

If you see a white guy rooting for PBF: Maybe one white guy in the world will root for Junior. He know what’s up. They probably have a diversified portfolio, and a Porsche outside. They will drive the Porsche to their side piece’s house after the fight, fuck her, then go home to his wife and two kids. After sleeping till noon (because of all the coke he did the night before), he will roll out of bed and watch football, and laugh to himself that blacks are superior athletes, and how sweet they look on HD.

If you see a white guy rooting for Hatton: I don’t have to explain this. Once most white guys see another white guy boxing, he automatically roots for the white guy, but they are afraid to admit it. PBF is the best pound for pound fighter in the world, and a prohibitive favorite. But the white guy will tell you things like, “Hatton is going to win…I just think he’s going to win, just because”, or, “Floyd sucks, dude!!” (I love that one).

Oh yeah, (time for a Public Service Announcement) ALL BLACK PEOPLE WILL BE ROOTING FOR FLOYD! If Floyd loses, don’t go to the club tonight, YOU WILL GET STABBED. If Floyd wins, WE MAKE IT RAIN, GO TO THE CLUB! There are safety in numbers, white people…if you go to a party, make sure that you have enough white people there just in case Hatton wins, and there is a post-fight riot. In the case of a post fight riot, make sure there are enough white people to take an ass-whoopin’ , and call 9-1-1.

If you see a white girl rooting for Hatton: Sort of the same thing as a white dude. Some ladies might clutch their purse 80 times during the fight. The funny part will be when they interview Floyd Sr.’s stuttering, black ass. The girl will leave the room, and cross the street for safety.

If you see a white girl rooting for PBF: Shoot! Don’t hesitate. This girl has a very good chance of being morally casual, and she is a fan of “chocolate”.

If you see a girl rooting for PBF, and her boyfriend is rooting for Hatton: Shoot! She’s screaming for some black dick, and her boyfriend isn’t delivering. If you’re black, shoot some lines at her; they’ll probably work. If you’re white, you need to brush up on your Ebonics…and, buy some of that infomercial shit to make your dick half as long as mine. If you’re a Latino, please take my plate…

Laredo's Hottest Broads Walking the FACE OF THE EARTH, THAT I CAN SEARCH FOR THRU GOOGLE!!!!

2007-11-28T21:18:00.000-08:00

I think the writer strike has affected my production. It’s not that I sympathize with these people, and I don’t sympathize with the studios (I do watch movies I don’t pay for…would you rather me be at home talking at the movie loudly, or at a theatre talking at the movie loudly?). It’s the holiday season, and I just want to see everybody get along. I know that the writers aren’t getting their fair cut. There needs to be compromise, or else you will get scabs crossing the picket line, like me. I will write for these TV shows for the same money, no problem. They’ll be better off because of it, too. I will write scenes in Desperate Housewives where a good looking black dude (me) moves on to the block, and causes a ruckus because he gets Eva Longoria pregnant (Desperate Housewives will be considered reality TV, because this good looking brotha (me) will really get Longoria pregnant). This will lead to an episode of Cheaters where Tony Parker suspects his wife of cheating (because of the Escalade-sized condoms in his trash can, and stolen car), only to find that he doesn’t want to bring it to the good looking black guy (me) who is banging out his wife. Must see TV, bitches! Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent…really I want to talk about a contingency plan for the networks if they can’t get good, new programming on the tube. Just assemble five of the hottest honeys, put ‘em in a house with secret cameras, liquor, and plenty of aspirin labeled containers filled with date rape drugs and ecstasy, and call it a day. Who would be the five honeys? That’s what this article is about…THE FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN LIVING NOW!!!!!! (not named Jessica Alba)

I want to do this right. It’s not going to be one through five. I’m just naming five straight up. This is a list of the five hottest girls. In my book, they are all 10 out of 10’s. They are all tied for first. I couldn’t include Alba because she is the obvious. But let’s get started:

Michelle Wie (age 18):

Michelle Wie is like a gallon of milk. You buy it, but really, are you going to drink a gallon of milk before it goes bad? (White people don’t answer). Her shelf life can be questioned. She’s a tall, athletic girl. That means that she will no longer be desirable around age 26 or 27 (she’ll be 6’1”, 170 by then). To top it off, she’s Asian. This is good or bad, depending on how you look at it. She’ll be content with going to Souplantation on special occasions, but she might run you over in your driveway one day. The one thing that Wie can produce, especially if you’re me, is a kid that will be athletic and smart. If I had a chance to “F” Michelle Wie, I would make sure that she swallows only half of my kids, the others will be put to good use (I can see myself now at the 2030 N.B.A. draft). I do think she is hot, and that’s all it takes to be on this list…

Megan Fox (age 21):

Otherwise known as “Mega Fox”, she may be hotter than Alba. She starred in one of the best movies ever (Transformers), and is one of the most stunning women whenever her picture is taken. I really don’t know much about her, other than the fact she was in Transformers, and I the fact I want to do her. Oh yeah, she is engaged to Brian Austin Green (the gay guy, who played himself on 90210). She has six tats (one of the aforementioned homo) which mean she is a freak, in guy language. I should change the name of this article from “Five Hottest Broads” to “Why Brian Austin Green should wear a bulletproof vest”.

Nautica Thorn (age 23)

When I write about these broads, I talk about how I would bang ‘em, and how Michelle Wie would be drinking my kids, etc. The chance of this really happening is small with them. With Ms. Thorn, it is actually pretty good. I just need to come up with the dough. Nautica Thorn is my favorite internet actresses. She’s Asian, like Wie. But she isn’t one of those shifty, math-doing, traffic-fucking up Asians. She’s a put it in any hole, cum-burping, invite your friends Asian. The actual beauty of Nautica is that she is half Jap, a quarter Puerto Rican, and a quarter Hawaiian (which means not only can she hotwire a Honda, she can also cook a pig…which in Black families is a plus).

Vanessa Bryant (age 26)

I have no problem in saying I wanna be like Kobe. LeBron has this commercial where he’s says, “You don’t want to be LeBron James. You wanna be better than Lebron James.” DAAAAMN RIGHT, I wanna be Kobe. I wanna shoot everytime down the court. I want to borderline rape young white ho’s. I wanna have a wife who doesn’t care about either, and still stands by my side, as I keep on doing the same shit. In real life, I wish Vanessa to take out her frustrations of Kobe cheating on her, by cheating on him with me. Then I’ll call up Shaq to get sloppy seconds, and we’ll steal all of Kobe’s memorabilia. Vanessa, if you’re reading this and it turns you on (which it should), shoot me an email.

Vanessa Anne Hudgens (age 18)

I didn’t know who this chick was until tonight. I was looking for a cutting-edge hot chick to be fifth on this list, and I decided on Hannah Montana (I just erased the paragraph, and erased my hard drive). After looking for Hannah Montana pics, I came up on (lol) Vanessa Anne Hudgens. She isn’t in anything I have seen, but she’s hot. This little slut also has a naked pic that surfaced on the internet, which I’m going to post on this site. I think that the picture seals the deal for me. She’s dating some dude who’s smaller than my dick on a 20 degree day. Enjoy the pic:

NY Knicks Preeeeeeeeeview

2007-11-02T09:54:00.000-07:00

Today is my preview of the Knicks. I will have predictions, updates, and random shit that goes through my head, as we enter the 2007-08 year.

I want to say that I am a huge Knicks fan and it's good to be a Knicks fan these days. We're entertaining and intriguing. Most Knicks fans are from the northeast. We ain't like Lakers fans, who can be from anywhere. We ain't like Bulls fans, who are just riding the dick of Michael Jordan. We are fans of a team hated everywhere, because of the name of the city written across their chest (just like the Giants and Rangers). We play in the best, most famous basketball arena in the world, and our coach has no problem calling your wife, mom, etc. a bitch. Pundits are picking the Knicks to finish out of the playoffs, just because they are haters. It's the Knicks against the World this year, and I'm going to savor every moment as the Knicks prove the haters wrong!

I don't like to breakdown the lineups, and bench, like Sports Illustrated does it. I like to break teams down, in basketball, by their components. Let's get crackin'

Backcourt: (Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford, Nate Robinson, Fred Jones, Mardy Collins)

The backcourt has talent, but it isn't the cohesive type of talent that some other backcourts have (ex. Billups, Hamilton). The reason is because all of these guys are isolation experts. Nate Robinson looks like an And 1 mixtape. So does J.C. If Marbury is out at the club, he will isolate bitches into his SUV. Not a bad unit, but all these guys have had the label of "needing to grow up". Steph and J.C. start, but look for Fred Jones to start if J.C. can't find his offense (J.C. can be the microwave option).

Three's (Quentin Richardson, Jared Jeffries, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler)

This is a good rebounding group. The only problem is the Q is always injured. If Q is injured, then the other three get their weaknesses exposed with extended minutes (even though Chandler is going to make the other three expendble within the next two years). Q stay healthy, and lay off the ribs and cookies.

Post and Baseline D (Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, David Lee, Randolph Morris, Jerome James)

In the offensive post, there is no other team with better options in the league. Curry and Z-Bo are going to create a bunch of mismatch issues. On D, they are going to have issues. Their biggest issue will be getting back on defense. David Lee is going to have another big year, off the bench (if he sticks around...I smell Ron Artest). Oh yeah, if I see Jerome James in a game, at all, I will drive to New York and set a Jerome James Trap. What's a Jerome James Trap? I'll put a plate of food and a MGD on a table, wait for him to skip practice to consume these items, then I'll wait for him to take his nap, and then cut his legs off. He doesn't need 'em, and doesn't use 'em.

Half court Offense

The Knicks should excel in the half court, and last time I checked the best half court teams win championships. Defense is the issue.

Rebounding

The Knicks will outrebound everybody, period. Curry may not be a great rebounder, but Randolph is good, and Lee and Q-Rich are exceptional at boarding. I just named two guys who had 10 plus a game last year. Not worried about rebounding.

Taking care of the rock

The Knicks will out-turnover everybody period. Z-Bo is a black hole, and any pass from him may be in the first row. Same for Curry. Marbury, Crawford, and Nate may have fancy handles, but they don't make the best decisions. If they want to finish games, they will need to improve here.

Overall Prediction: 45-37

They will suprise people and get a 5 through 7 seed. They will then go to the playoffs where they will push somebody to the limit in the first round. I will weigh in with some opening night stuff later.

Now a little trivia:

What did the Knicks offer the Lakers for Kobe Bryant?

A: a left, and a right...niggawhuuut!?!?!?! GO NY, GO NY GO!!!!!!!

Halloween Review

2007-11-02T00:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a couple days. It's probably for a couple reasons: (1) the sports world is in it's slowest days right now, and (2) Halloween = Jail. How can you have a holiday where people get drunk, or have a sugar rush off candy, and females ages 15 through infinity dress like hookers? I thought is was best to lay low when I saw a gang of 15 year olds dressed like hookers/referees, and hookers/hookers. I didn't want to write, and thought that people would think bad things of me once I wrote 'em. But I did go out, and saw some of the most f'd up costumes. But there were three that really stood out that had no thought put into them whatsoever. I call these the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" costumes.

The first was a girl dressed as a Hooters' waitress. I think she was a Hooters' waitress at some other time of her life. She looked like the Hooters' owl to tell you the truth. She had the whole get-up (including the stains from bleu cheese dressing spilled on her shorts...well, we'll call it "bleu cheese dressing"). She must have put on weight after working at Hooters, because she had all the signs of an out of work Hooters' waitress, too (including the stains on her shirt from the wing sauce after spilling them down her throat...well, we'll call it "wing sauce"). To top it off, I seen her at a bar. I put an order in with her. She thought it was a pickup line, until I yelled at her for not bringing my wings out in a timely manner, and I asked to see her manager. Shitty costume, and shitty service.

Next is a dude dressing up as a ho. This is unacceptable. I drink in dark places. If I look on the dance floor and see a skirt and fake tities. I am going to (1) try to see "what's good", and (2) put an order in for 50 breaded, hot wings. Either way, I'm going to end up pissed off. Oh yeah, not to mention it is gay. How does this fit into the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" catagory. Well, I assume these guys used to work at a place where they took it up the ass (like Bally's Total Fitness, or something).

Finally, there is the black dude who decides to be the prisoner. He wears an orange penitentary suit/shirt and thinks that this is a funny costume (this might be the only one that doesn't fit into the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" category...not). Now I have to write the rules for what black dudes can wear on Halloween:

1. Don't wear anything that can implicate you later. So, I go out and wear my prison costume...fight breaks out in the bar, and police round up everybody. They put me in a lineup and who do you think is the brotha they're gonna pick out? Even worse: You goto a house party, and not all the girls are "of age" and the party host is serving liquor (a.k.a. you're drinking beer and the ladies are drinking a concoction known as "Bitch, you got knocked da fuck out!!!"). So you gotta run into the shrubs, or woods. The cops will see you right away. Or go as a serial killer with blood on your shirt. Don't blame anybody but yourself when you get brought in for questioning on a murder, from 1992.

2. Only costumes that include a blunt object are permissable. I don't dress up on Halloween often, but when I do go this rule is number one. Let me rundown what I wore throuout the years: 2006 Barry Bonds (bat), 2004 Tiger Woods (golf club), 2002 Tiger Woods (golf club), 1999 O.J. Simpson (shank), you get the idea. This is the one day out of the year where we are allowed to carry weapons in the streets. After all, they're just "props". An officer can put you in jail for walking down the street with a baseball bat on most days, but not on Halloween. If shit pops off, then you have the ability to break the fight up with a couple of swings.

3. Just go as yourself, it's equally as scary. I went out and there were people dressed up like the grimreapper who walked to the other side of the street when they saw me coming. I saw a Hooters' waitress walking down the street, and she crossed, and didn't even take my order.

That's it for the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" costumes. I hope everybody had a good Halloween...Knicks' Day tomorrow, where I preview the Knicks season, and I give my predicitions to who gets arrested first, for what. ONE!

Laredo's Kerry Collins Edition Monday QB (yes, I have been drinking) - GFY List

2007-10-29T23:27:00.000-07:00

This article is dedicated to Kerry Collins, my fourth favorite QB of all-time (Simms, Hostetler, Eli, KC5). If it weren't for Kerry, I wouldn't have thought it was acceptable to write, drunk, using racial slurs. I've dropped n-bombs, made fun of Asians, exploited Mexicans through stereotypes, etc. The thing is, is that I'm a realist, and some people may not say the things that are on their minds, but guys like Kerry Collins and I do. This GFY list is going to be dedicated to the numerous analysts how have spewed shit out of their mouths this week.

First on the chopping block, A-Rod Haters...

How do you blame A-Rod for doing what he is doing? He has the ability to make more money by opting out of his contract. On Monday, I'm watching Sportcenter, and their headline is "The Greediest Player Ever". WTF?!?! If I could make more money, I would, and so would everybody else. The other thing that is funny is FOX announced that A-Rod was a free agent right before the ninth inning in the World Series clincher. The story really broke before the game and they waited, and made A-Rod look bad (even though, if I'm A-Rod I don't mind that move...I would try to get FOX to C.G.I. my nuts on the screen, as the Red Sox celebrate their championship). People are idiots...who are we to decide what A-Rod does? Big GFY to A-Rod Haters.

(BTW, I came up on this article on ESPN.com, and I'm appalled by the fact that they pay people to write absolute crap. I'm starting a petition.)

Next, Tony Romo...

I will write this directly to Tony...

Tony,

Wipe that shit-eating grin off of your face. I didn't mind you when you were a backup QB. I started to get pissed when you were linked to Jessica Simpson. Now you sign a extension for 31 million, guaranteed. I officially hate you. You're single, and the rich QB of the Cowboys. Hook a brotha, up (me, not T.O.). If you win a Super Bowl, and become part of the Holy Trinity of QB's (Farve, Manning, Brady), I'll be pissed. I'm a little jealous, but if you get stuck up and robbed, you asked for it...GFY!!!!

Now that's off my chest, next is Bill Belichick haters....

This week, the Pats beat the Redskins 52-7. People then complained that it was bad sportsmanship, etc. Then they lamented that Bill Belichick is a cheater. It's amazing...I compare Bill Belichick to a cool George W. Bush. You talk shit about him. Then you realize he has the best weapons, but unlike Bush, he uses them to their full extent, and wins wars. Belichek is pissed, and so is his team. The funny thing is, how do you complain about a team running up the score? There are two simple ways to combat it. Cheap shot the pretty boy QB (it will only cost you 15 yards), or don't let the score get out of control (show some heart). If it was 38-0 and I see the other team trying to pass the ball, the next play is an all-out blitz. I would send all 15 guys (I would have four extra guys blitzing from the sidelines). Then I would make all the beer in the stadium free, and tell the fans where the Pats team bus is. Bottom line is people call the Pats cheaters and creeps, only because idiots on ESPN tell them to. Bill Belichick haters......................................................................GFY!!!!!!!!!!

Next, Snitches!

No, really, snitches. First, Mike Vick's boys snitch his ass out of playing football and millions. Then O.J.'s henchmen are turning on the Juice. WTFWTFWTF?!?!? These people single handedly fucked up Madden '09, and any hope for a new "Naked Gun" movie. What's next?!?!? Snitching on Santa Claus because the North Pole is a sweat shop?!?!? GEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY, SNITCH ASS SNITCHES!!!!

(if O.J. is reading this...there is this guy in Dallas who just got 31 million dollars...we'll call him Rony Tomo...I think that he has memoribilia and white bitches at his house...I'll meet you there).

NY Sports Check - 10/25

2007-10-25T11:59:00.000-07:00

New week, same shit. It's almost like the sports world is under a dark spell cast by the Red Sox Nation. We gotta watch them beat the inferior Rockies, amidst the crappy announcing of Tim McCarver. Once they win it will be all over and we can concentrate on the NFL, and hot stove baseball. Whatever...the good thing about being a NY sports fan is that there is always something to talk about. So without further hesistation, NY Sports Check:

1. New York Giants

Why the Giants are number one: The Giants are dominating, and guess what? They have the best shot at winning a championship, out of all the NY teams, at this moment. The reason? Not the improved play of Eli. Not the revamped offensive line. Not the three-headed running attack. And, not the big play capabilities of Plexiglass Buress. It is the defense, but not the talent (even though they are very talented). It's Steve Spagnuolo, the defensive coordinator. Let's be real, these are the Giants, and they play in North Jersey. Do they want a defensive coach named Johnnie Lynn, or Tim Lewis? NO!!!! The Giants should have a defensive coordinator who is a "Pisan". With a name like Spagnuolo, he is a shoe in to be the next Giant coach. He is lauded for his blitz schemes (he refers to them as "hits"). And he is knows how to get his players motivated. I asked Coach Spag on how he keeps his players motivated. He said, "I tell those moulies that they better play or then my cut, of their pay, will go from 10 points to 40 points, and if they don't like that they can go fuck themselves. Forgetaboutit. I'm just a capo right now, but one day I'll be boss of this organization. Coughlin is getting lazy, and we know how those micks like their liquor." Okay, so he didn't say that. But he is the reason why the Giants can win the NFC.

2. New York Yankees

Why the Yanks are number two: The ownership is changing, and for the worse. I hope people realize that George Steinbrenner has no control on what is going on with the Yankees. If he did, then Joe Torre would still be around. He might have some medical condition (like Alzheimer's), and is being used like a pawn by the real controlling owners. The Dolan's are also putting in a bid to buy the YES Network, which means they want the team eventually (Forbes values the Yankees at 1.5 billion, and the YES Network at 3.5 billion). If the Dolan's get control, Suzyn Waldman will file a sexual harrasment suit, and will win. That's how inept and unprofessional the sports side of the Dolan empire has been so far (anybody accused of sexually harrasing Suzyn Waldman should be castrated). Oh yeah, they're looking for a manager who will take the worst job in baseball, the replacement of Joe Torre. Ha!! I feel a lost decade on the horizon.

3. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number three: Because they are in the middle of a quarterback controversy. Pennington is good, but they know Pennington already. They should play Kellen Clemens at QB and tank the season. With a high draft pick, they can get a player who is a gamebreaker, and they have zero of those right now. This is a classic example of the downs a team experiences after a year where they had an easy schedule.

4. New York Knicks

A lot of publications are picking the Knicks to miss the playoffs. I think it's more of an attack on the character of Isaiah Thomas than an attack on the actual talent of the roster. This is a team that is hard to match-up with and they are all 25 through 28 years old (with some exceptions), and they're maturing to the point where they can win 8 to 10 more games this year. They play hard for Isaiah. Oh yeah, if David Stern takes action against Isaiah, he has to take action against Kobe Bryant. Bryant settled with a "rape" victim and it's not like he didn't have sex with that girl (ho). I hope the Knicks do their thing this year and prove everybody (except me) wrong.

5. The Hockey Teams

Why are they number five: Last week I suggest that the NHL melt the ice and have brothas shoot from the stands at the players, just to make the sport interesting. I know that this will never happen, but last time I checked, there were no metal detectors in NHL arenas.

6. New York Mets

Why they are number six: I know the Yanks are in trade talks with anybody, and everybody. We better be doing the same thing. We also need to hire Wally Backman to be on our coaching staff. A lot of what the Mets were missing last year, is instilled in Backman. He is a Mets great who should get more respect within the organization, and I think he could be a great first base coach.

7. New Jersey Nets

Why they are number seven: They have a great backcourt, and I like a couple of their young players. Their front line is definatly underrated as well. But, still, they're boring. Their stars are not likeable (except Richard Jefferson), and they play in a dead arena. This will be their best team since they went to the finals, but whodafuckcares.

That's it...Go GIANTS!!!!

Laredo Review of da Week: StumbleUpon

2007-10-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

I've watched nothing but sports, and a couple of movies, this week. The sports were good...Game 7 of Indians, Rockies, the Giants destroying the Niners. There wasn't anything worth talking about though. The movies I watched were Stardust (a surprisingly good movie, that I will watch again, and again), and A Mighty Heart (movie about the widow of Daniel Pearl, and what she went through while they were looking for her husband...It's a brutal movie because 1.) you know that not only are they not going to find Daniel Pearl alive, but they are going to see that tape of him getting cut up, and 2.) they never built up the character of Daniel Pearl...I didn't like it).

So, I'm sitting here wondering what to write about. I never have writer's block because everyday I see something that makes me think. It makes me think about why it's there, how it came about, etc. I didn't see anything today, except for the evacuation of people in the Southern California Firestorm (I don't want to write about it until the fire is out...I truly feel bad for these families). I sat down and hit my "StumbleUpon" button until I thought of something to write about.

For those who don't know, StumbleUpon, is a add-on to the Mozilla Firefox browser that randomize sites when you press the "Stumble!" button. You pick out your catagories of interest, and it will pick a random site to take you to. I guess if you're on somebody's computer, and they have this button, you could tell a whole lot about who they are and what they are about. Let's see what I "Stumbled" on:

The first site I encountered that I found appalling is the site GroovyGroves.com. The site is like a YouTube for musicians. The appalling part is the fact that they have a "Stiptease" section where girls dance in their underwear, etc., to music. Some of these girls are not eighteen. I think that this clip speaks for itself:

Don't send the cops to my house, please

Some people will say that I'm just helping out this website by putting this video on my blog. Well they're right...the site isn't that appalling, but this video is kind of appalling. I think any site that asks girls to do a striptease down to their underwear is a good site. If the cops ask, I am really just trying to get R. Kelly to do an interview on LaredoSlider (once he see's the site is pedophile friendly...he'll feel safe about giving me a interview). Oh yeah, anybody who needs me can find me at the 18 and over club this weekend...I'll be the one with the wristband.

So i'll stumble more and I get to The Onion...the website of one of my favorite publications. I've always liked their content, but then I found this video:

Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

I always said that white people can't use the words "nigger" or "nigga". Check 'dat...porno stars getting filled up by brothas can use those words. Check 'dat...any female who's getting filled up by me is free to use the n-word whenever they want. They can even bring KFC into bed with them, just to make fun of the stereotype that black people love chicken. I won't care, because you know a brothas gonna be hungry afterward. You will get thrown out of the crib, if you don't bring hot sauce and grape soda, though.

While we're on the subject of fried chicken and soda, check out the list of death row inmates, and their final meal requests. Most of the inmates want fried chicken, and who could blame them.

Finally, I stumbled on this one site that I thought was a joke. It wasn't:

Smell Me and. Com

WTF?!?! Are you serious? This is disgusting. Am I going to really want to have the smell of 'Chicken of the Sea' on my hands? These fools think that I'm going to be aroused by the smell of pussy? Usually after I'm done with it, it stinks and it makes these farting noises. They should put a whoopie cushion in every box, just for shits and giggles. What's going to be next? A fragrence of my shit, to remind women of the time I hit them with "The Shocker", and finished with a "Dirty Sanchez" or "Cleveland Steamer"? That'll get them hot. How about a bottle of my nut sweat. I would call it "Reminiscence of a Tea Bag".

So if you don't StumbleUpon, you're missing out. If you think I'm a perv, because these are the sites I see, you're probably right. I'm out like a broad who doesn't bring the hot sauce to bed...

Wouldya Rather?? LaredoS vs. Double B

2007-10-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

Today, I’m doing a feature that I really wanted to do for a while. I’ve just been too lazy to do it. Today (and hopefully every Tuesday) is “Wouldya Rather” day. It’s a day where we ask important questions that have to do with current events, and some other ridiculousness. Today I ask the question, “Wouldya rather bang a 2002 Pam Anderson, or wouldya rather own a propane store in the middle of the Southern California Firestorm?”

The 2007 Firestorm in Southern California is for real. I saw special reports on Sunday, and took the fire for granted. Then I saw families evacuating and heading to Qualcomm Stadium, and took that for granted (with all the smoke, cars, and people handing out food I thought that Raiders fans were still tailgating after last week’s game). Then I woke up today and my nose was burning from breathing in the air (if I were president, I would have marijuana fields planted so if these fires happen again, they will make everybody high…and, they would forget about their shit burning down). Seriously, my heart goes out to anybody who has lost their way of living from these fires. And, if there are any ladies who want to meet up at the Qualcomm Stadium mass tailgate…email me.

Okay…today, I query the Double B for his take on the situation.

Double B: I would definitely choose the propane store. STD’s are bad, and propane is an easy sell.

(if ya don’t know, by now, Double B is Jewish)

Laredo: But, wouldn’t the store blow up?

Double B: It’s not going to blow up. Throw that shit under cement blocks and get a sprinkler system.

(if ya don’t know, by now, Double B is Jewish)

Okay…so he rather own a propane store.

Me on the other hand…I think that it’s important to think through decisions. This is what I call a “lose-lose” situation. You’re gonna get burned by both. In these situations, I realize why every President is a man. We have the uncanny ability to use two heads in a situation like this. So I’m going to ask my second head (Planters is his name, for those who want to know…he’s attached to nuts, and ladies should, and will, plant two lips on him whenever he comes around). Planters and my brain will now reason on what I rather do.

Laredo: Double B is right…people might need propane and insurance something every store owner should have.

Planters: Insurance? It’s like Forrest Gump says, “Insurance is like a box of condoms” …Bang out Pam, son!!!!!

Laredo: You may have a point. The question doesn’t indicate I have to go “raw dog”.

Planters: I wouldn’t hate on you if you did.

Laredo: I could also sell some pictures to the tabloids, of me and Pam banging. One will be of my dick, with a headline “Loch Ness Monster EXISTS!” The other would be “Brotha learned how to train Loch Ness Monster…Monster bangs out Pam Anderson.”

Planters: Now your talking…and don’t forget brothas love white blonds, with huge tits…and

Planters and Laredo (in unison): Pam Anderson is a white blond, with huge tits!!!

So, I rather bang Pam Anderson…2002 or 2007 (or 2032). Anybody with an opinion on what they would rather do should hit the comments tab. Remember, you gotta pick on or they other. I’m out like Pam Anderson after Planters busts his cashews…peace…

GFY List...Laredo's Monday QB

2007-10-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

Welcome to this week’s installment of the GFY list. For those on the ArmchairGM.com site, this is your first installment (and there are a couple of you who should be on this list). As for the Blogspot audience, you know this is the highlight of my week. GFY of course stands for “Go F Yourself”. I direct this comment to somebody at least 30 times a week, and this Monday morning article helps me vent after a long sports weekend. Let’s not waste anytime and get started.

First, I’ll start off with Derek Jeter

I usually make fun of Derek Jeter for being homosexual, or more white than black (a.k.a. having a small penis), or I call him overrated. The problem is that he is linked to so many girls that he probably isn’t a homo. The New York Post reported he was in Miami, partying with Timbaland, drinking Grey Goose all night. To top it off he has multiple ladies coming and going from his room, but then there’s this quote, from the Post:

Jeter was spotted acting equally detached later that night at Set, where he was "surrounded by throngs of women five rows deep. He was hanging with a guy friend, though, and didn't seem to take much interest in the hordes of ladies."

Check that, he may be a switch hitter. I think that he’s abusing his celebrity. He won 4 rings, and he seems to be happy with that. No sulking about a early exit. No time with Mom and Dad after a long season on the road. None of that. I miss the genuine superstars, like Shawn Kemp. The guys who would try to bang broads in the club. The guys who tanked the season on purpose, just so they could go on vacation. The guys who made every ounce of their celebrity count (except for ounces that were swallowed by the aforementioned club groupies). I think Jeter should let me be in a club, with hordes of ladies. I would show them the real meaning of “five rows deep”. Maybe I’m a little jealous, but Derek, GFY!!!!

Next will be Rockies fans

I will be rooting for the Rockies in the World Series. One thing though, if you’re a true Rockies fan, the oldest you can be is 24. Here’s why…it’s 2007. The Rockies first year was 1993. A kid can’t remember much before age 10, especially in Colorado (people that live in Colorado are 1) crazy, and 2) potheads…they usually pass these traits on to their kids). So, when I go to a bar I don’t wanna hear people saying, “I used to be a Padres fan, but…” (I usually walk away right there). Don’t adopt a team that is not getting back to the World Series in the next 20 years. The only people who can switch teams they root for are Ricky Henderson (he’s a mercenary), and Alyssa Milano (she probably roots for the team of the player she last banged). That’s it! So Rockies fans, over the age of 24, can GFY!!!

Last are the NBA and David Stern

It’s almost painful to know what kind of crap we are going to sit through this year with the NBA. The league is better, but it’s such a long, drawn-out year. The playoffs are as long as the football season (it seems), and to top it off, the league is rigged. I remember when I sat and watched important playoff games, where I wondered if the game was rigged. Then the Tim Donaghy stuff happened. Okay, maybe that’s one guy; an isolated incident. But, now it’s disciplinary actions against six other officials (allegedly) for gambling. Then it’s a fucked up ball that they are trying to bring back in a different fucked up form (are they really trying to save cows…what about the heifers in the club? they ain’t trying to save them). This is a league, with young stars that have character, and the N.B.A. big wigs make the game hard to watch, not the players. David Stern…GFY!!!

So that’s it…I feel better. I’m out…

What to watch this weekend...Laredo Style...

2007-10-19T02:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm drunk. It's officially my birthday, and I'm bloggin'. I said that I was gonna post what to watch this weekend, and I'll make it short and sweet. This is what to watch:

Telemundo around midday - There are always guaratnteed thick ass bithces around this time of the day on Telemundo...I'm staying at my buddies house in S.D., and his mother-in-law speaks only Spanish. We watch Telemundo all day. Guess who walks around with a stiffy all day? Yeah...

ABC at 3:30 - Regional action includes Michiagan State at Ohio, and Mizzou at Texas Tech...CBS at 3:30; Florida at Kentucky...NBC USC at Notre Dsme...Watch Michigan State vs. Ohio. There could be an upset in that game. Texas Tech might have Bobby Knight at the game. That could mean somebody gets choked in the consession area...if that happens, then Mizzou vs TT is the game of the year. Florida at Kentucky is cool because you can feel the hate from the crowd. Everybody in attendance used the "N" word at one point in their life and they're all rooting for "N" word players (i can say that, you can't)...best matchup...Tebow is the best college football player since Reggie "Fuck My Fantasy Team Over" Bush...Speaking of USC, they're not 14th in the nation (they are closer to #1, when healthy)...they will run over ND, and make Touchdown Jesus run to Rite-Aid for some kneepads (yes, I am drunk, and I am on JDate.com...we don't believe in Touchdown Jesus)

Honorable Mention: Kansas at Colorado, 5:30 ESPM

My ex is from Kansas, but she lived in Colorado for a couple of years. I hope that this game ends up in a tie. After all the players are blown up by a "dirty bomb". Sorry.

Indians at Red Sox, Game Six, FOX 8:00

The Indians are historic choke artists. The Red Sox are historic choke artists. They should have Tim McCarver draw my dick on the screen (if he has a marker big enough), and CGI it in Jessica Alba's mouth, because netiher of these teams are playing well enough to win this series and they're gonna choke (like Jessica Alba on Laredo's Dillznick...yes, I had 6 Guinnesses and 3 car bombs). The Rockies play such textbook baseball, and they are the only team left that makes all the plays defensively. They should win the championship this year. I hope we see a game seven. It will be the most dramatic game of the baseball season this year.

Auburn at LSU, 9, EPS f'n N

The most entertaining event of the day pits 90 thousand drunk fans, and a sick team, against the best coach in college football, and a team with heart. Yes, Tommy Tubberville is the best, and his team is not an underdog in this game. They are even money, and confident. This game gets the 'Playboy Litmus Test'. I was reading the "Girls of the SEC" issue and Auburn is right there with LSU. Final minute victory for Auburn...but if I were with either (or both) girls from the Playboy issue, I would bust in 2.8 seconds...Auburn 69 1/2, LSU 69

SUNDAY,SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!

Watching, the NFL, of course. I'll address these games tomorrow. But we could have a game seven in the ALCS. If I'm coherent this weekend, I may host a show on blogtalkradio.com at 9 am...it's scheduled, but we'll see...

GO GIANTS!!!
PHUCK PHILLY!!!

Dane Cook Exposed...

2007-10-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

Dane Cook is the most unfunny person ever. He got to act alongside Jessica Alba. He is NEVER going to be Laredo Slider's person of the week. And, what about those stupid baseball promos? Is that the person you want pitching your product? He should have done a promo for the Women's World Cup (which was the biggest waste of TV time since The Brady Bunch Reunion). At least SNL did a funny sketch about this no talent ass-clown. Check it out:

USF vs. RU pick

2007-10-18T09:20:00.001-07:00

I had a request for a South Florida vs. Rutgers pick...USF is favored by two and a half. USF will cover (Rutgers with salad dressing and eat RU alive). By the way, USF's program has only been around for eleven years (seven years of I-A). Their admission standards are as tough as my admission standards, in a dark bar, after ten Guinnesses. And, who wouldn't want to go to a school called South Florida, even if they are in central Florida. This is the reason schools like Notre Dame will never be good again. They should change their name to The University of Notre Dame of South Florida, and change their admission standards. Final score tonight: USF 93 - RU 6.

Laredo Slider's NYC Sports Check

2007-10-18T09:08:00.000-07:00

Sports check time!!! Just in case you thought my balls were cut off because of my last blog (who though I would be a fan of The Bachelor?), I am going to talk sports today. Just a quick rundown on what’s going on in NYC area sports. Let’s get crackin’:

New York Yankees

Why the Yankees are number one this week: They may somehow spurn one of the greatest managers in the game’s history (Joe Torre), the best player in the game (A-Rod), and the best closer of all-time (Mariano Rivera). Jorge Posada will also test free agency. They still have a propensity for making big moves and they gotta do something. They are the Yankees.

Laredo’s Take: Why do the Yankees always steal the headlines?!?! The big story is not what they’re going to do. I know what they’re going to do. They’re going to keep Torre, A-Rod, and Posada. Mo Rivera will get a ridiculous offer from another team, and might have to take it. But here’s the real story: Two scantily dressed girls came out of Derek Jeter’s Florida condo in the morning this week. They tried to get their car from the valet and they found out they had to pay for parking. Derek doesn’t validate supposedly, and these girls were pissed. This is what I called the Ryan Seacrest move. Have two girls dressed like hookers, leave your pad. Then it looks like you’re not a homo. If I’m the Yankee captain, these broads are walking out of my crib limping, with sore tonsils. When the newspaper asks them for the story, the only quote would be, “Burp”. You know Jeter wasn’t hitting that shit right, and I can see right through his ploy. Sorry Derek, I know you still blow cock.

New York Football Giants

Why the Jints are number two this week: This team looks good, but they are a little inconsistent. The running game is still there, the QB looks good, and the D is a big play D. Throw in a weak schedule, and there is no reason the Jints shouldn’t make the playoffs.

Laredo’s Take: I wonder if this season comes with Vaseline, because I know this team is gonna F me. I’m just waiting for the next big injury. Shockey is due for a season ending injury, sooner or later. Eli will start throwing INT’s like Jeter throws transvestites outta his pad. The offensive line has been good, but that’s going down the shitter, like a Shawn Merriman drug test. I can’t wait until Mets spring training.

Rangers, Islanders, Devils

Why the hockey teams number three: The start of the hockey season is here, and nobody cares. I’m just giving them a little exposure.

Laredo’s Take: They need to change the rules. First melt the ice, turn the rink into a pool. Get rid of the skates and give the players fins. Give the fans guns. Invite brothas. Change the name from the NHL to the ‘Shooting Fish in a Barrel League’ or the ‘CBL’ (Cracka Barrel League).

New York Jets

Why the Jets are number four: They play in the NFL, and that’s the best sports league in the world.

Laredo’s Take: They suck soooooooooooo bad right now. No big time players. Tough schedule. It’s not in the cards for Gang Green. They need to start the kid at QB. Pennington is a good QB when there is a good team around him, but this team sucks. They need to get ready for next year. But we could fill the Meadowlands with water and give the fans guns…

New Jersey Nets

Why the Nets are number five: They have a Hall of Fame point guard.

Laredo’s Take: They have a Hall of Fame point guard, who was accused of grouping a girl in a NYC nightclub, a couple of days ago. She accussed him of coming up to her a grabbing her crotch. She is obviously lying (or it was one of those no-look crotch grabs that J.K. is known for...and he's not blowing kisses to his kids before foul shots, he's smelling his fingers). Guys don’t do that. We ask for your number, and if you don’t give it to us, you’re obviously a lesbian. The only chronicled crotch grabbing incident was O.J., and the witness never showed up to back up that claim.

New York Knickerbockers

Why: No arrests, injuries, or lawsuits this week.

Laredo’s Take: Isaiah is laying low before he announces the signing of Bin Laden. Oh, and I love the fact that people think that we can trade for Kobe Bryant. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! We’ll give them Allan Houston, Nate Robinson, and Bin Laden. I have a feeling that if the Knicks get off to a bad start, then Isaiah will put the season into “Auto-Tank” mode.

No Mets this week, because they have no relevancy right now. The sting of the season is gone, but they officially are in the “Sports Check” doghouse. I’m out like Derek Jeter’s transvestite hookers in the morning.