Summer Snatch - Finals Edition

It seems like every time I take a hiatus from writing my article, I reinvent a part of myself, so I can come back with fresh ideas. But, I'm a guy, so the only thing I have my mind on is sex, sports, food, cars, and drinking...so my ideas are as fresh as Audrey Bitoni's pee flapper after a hard day's work (Ms. Bitoni is the girl above, and if ya thought I matured during my hiatus, then you'll also believe that she is a virgin...in all holes). The sports seasons are changing, though. The NBA Finals just kicked off (the draft is coming up), baseball is in full swing, and hockey just ended. Throw in the French Open and Big Brown's eventual Triple Crown victory and you have a smörgåsbord of phenomenal sporting events. You know what's going on already...but you want predictions. And I got 'em...

Lemme start with the NBA...

We're one game into the Finals, and we're in for a classic. This is what the NBA needed, and I think the Lakers are going to pull it off. But here are the most important storylines to pay attention to:

1. Will Stuart Scott stop threatening viewers, and will his eye finally roll out of his head on live TV?

Stuart Scott is dangerously approaching Chris Berman level...fuck dat...he's at Dane Cook's level. Like Dane Cook, he's not funny, he's long winded, and he's probably been closer to Jessica Alba than I have, which is a travesty. The f'd up thing is before every commercial break he's like, "Don't turn the channel or we'll come to your house and pull the cable out." Word?!?! Please, Stuart, come to my house and try! You probably couldn't see the number on my house with your gooogly eye. Why did they get rid of Dan Patrick? Where is he? FIND HIM AND GET HIM IN THERE!! While we're on the subject of the TV coverage

2. Do all the commentators have to be former Knicks?

Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, Mike Breen, Marv Albert...the list goes on and on. It's not like they are bad commentators, but it just opens the door for a Stephon Marbury/Isaiah Thomas broacasting team in a couple years. I can see it now

Steph: That was a great play by Chris Paul.

Isaiah: It was similar to something I would do back in the day.

S: I know what else you would do back in the day...that 16 year old girl sitting in row 3.

Isaiah: That's it! Your suspneded...until the next commercial break.

S: Let's throw it back to Stuart Scott who's on location at Laredo's house, trying to pull out the cable. Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Hi...I'm at LaredoSlider's house where I just had my good eye stabbed out....

Laredo Slider: BoooYah, muthafucka!!

3. Kobe is a better teammate, and he's got AIDS.

All the commentators are saying, "Kobe's a better teammate", and, "He's one of the guys now". Not true at all...here's the translation: He's not banging out broads in every city he goes to now. That's it. Why is he hanging out with the guys? Because he probably got some disease that doesn't allow him to fuck (wheather they like it or not) girls without getting sued. The only whole in this theory is that if Kobe had AIDS, it would be cured tomorrow.

Anyways...Lakers in 7...I'll talk draft tomorrow...next my baseball prediction

The Cubs and White Sox will play in the World Series, and there will be a bench clearing brawl.

It will be Ozzie Guillen, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Zambrano vs. everybody in the stands and on the field. It'll be great. Pitbulls and chickens will come outta nowhere.

In tennis, Ana Ivanovic will win the French Open, and give me a exclusive interview afterwards.

The interview will be viewable on eskimotube.com...Search for keywords: foreign objects, tennis rackets, trophy, anal, shooting tennis balls, and facial.

Okay...last prediction

Big Brown will win the Triple Crown, only to have it taken away after it is found out that it's just Barry Bonds in a horse costume.

It's obvious the horse is on steroids, and it's named Big Brown. By the way, it's great that the horse is named Big Brown. If Big Brown wins, EVERY BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD HAS TO GO TO A BAR TONIGHT AND USE A PICKUP LINE WITH BIG BROWN IN IT. This is a godsend! I've been practing:

"Did you see the race today? Big Brown won...by 13 inches"

or

"I heard that Big Brown needs a new jockey, and is only auditioning white girls"

or

"Hey, baby...lets go back to my stable, so I can introduce you to Big Brown...but, I must warn you...he spits"

or

"Whoops...wrong hole...but, if you leave a Big Brown spot on my sheets...that's yo ass."

or

"I help you pay for the euthanization of any Little Brown's"

Sorry...abortion isn't a joke. Lemme change the last one.

"If you say that kid is mine...I'll run like Big Brown."

There ya go...now you have a guide to sports for the Summer. I didn't want to make a long article, so I'll give ya another one tomorrow. Some Obama/Clinton things, NBA draft, and a recap of how my pickup lines go...I'm out like Big Brown before he spits in some girls eye....

Re: Fukudome T-Shirt Ideas

This is an inter-office reply from Laredo Slider, to The Double B...

I like the t-shirt ideas, but I think two stand out. Fuk-U Do Me and having the random Japanese characters with translation Fuk-U. But instead of having random characters, maybe they should really mean "Fuck You". This is a good start, but I think that the t-shirt line should be expanded to other athletes. We could have a apparel empire, and be the next Steve and Barry's. Check these out:

We should capitalize on Eddy Curry's celebrity, and make some "Kentucky Fried Curry" shirts. A good gift for the fat s.o.b., buffet-killing, Crisco sweating, no defense playing person in your life. Notice the spots on the shirt of hot sauce and sweat. We can sell these as actual game worn jerseys (like anybody would ever know):



We can have women's apparel, as well. How about "Ben Wallace Panties"? Your girl is going out to the club, and you know she's a slut, right? Just hook her up with these panties and most dudes will run for the hills (except me, cuz I'm a nasty mofo):


Oooooohhhh....I thought of a great Fukudome product: "Fukudome Asian Driving Glasses"!!! Now everybody can drive like their favorite Asian right fielder (and every other Asian)! In matter of fact, the tagline will be: "Now errrybarrry can dry rike der frayrit Asian ry frirrrer!" These will be a gold mine!!!:

Fukudome T-Shirt Ideas

One of my resolutions for 2008 is be more venture capitalistic. The other is to make more fun of Asians. So I called up The Double B and asked him for ideas for t-shirts to commemorate the addition of the Cubs newest Japanese import (no, not the Mitsubishi Jet Towel hand dryers in the stadium bathrooms, or the addition of Sapporo to the stadium club bar). I'm talking about the Cubs' new right fielder Kosuke Fukudome. ***WARNING*** The Double B is Jewish. Therefore if you buy a t-shirt and don't like it, YOU WILL NOT GET YOUR MONEY BACK. But that's because the t-shirt will be a good value, and you should keep it.

This article might be a few weeks late, but I'm still very excited about the Cubs newest audition – Kosuke Fukudome. It's about time the Cubs have jumped on the bandwagon and signed a Japanese import. Ever since trading Sammy (no habla English) Sosa, the right field position has been a rotation of scrubs. If Kosuke can bat .300, he'll be the savior of the town. And, having just moved one block away from my mecca, Wrigley Field, I'm starting a Kosuke Fukudome fan club. My first order of business is making a killer t-shirt. Below is a list of ideas that came to me on the toilet.

1. Fuk-U-Do-Me

(Just that in white writing on a blue shirt)

2. Fuk-U-Do-Me?

No Fuk-U

(I can't decide if the Fuk-U should be printed on the back of the shirt?)

or

Fuk-U-Do-Me?

No Fuk-U-Do-You

3. Japanese Characters

(Fuk-U) or (Go Fuk-Uself)

(I'm playing with this idea, but I want to have random Japanese writing on the shirt that doesn't mean anything, but have the translation on the bottom be something like Fuk -U)

4. A picture of Fukudome and then either of these headlines.

· If he can see a baseball, he can see your sins.

· Me Likey

· Smashing balls like your mom.

· Generic Ichiro

· Fukudome! In English that means, suck my balls.

· Sushi Makes You Strong.

· Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

· Asian Sensation

· Yellow Never Looked So Good.

· Fukudome Bitched Slapped Mr. Miyagi.

5. I Kosuke Fukudome Your Mom/Wife/Sister/Dog/Neighbor/etc…

I need your ideas Laredo!