Summer Snatch - Finals Edition

It seems like every time I take a hiatus from writing my article, I reinvent a part of myself, so I can come back with fresh ideas. But, I'm a guy, so the only thing I have my mind on is sex, sports, food, cars, and drinking...so my ideas are as fresh as Audrey Bitoni's pee flapper after a hard day's work (Ms. Bitoni is the girl above, and if ya thought I matured during my hiatus, then you'll also believe that she is a virgin...in all holes). The sports seasons are changing, though. The NBA Finals just kicked off (the draft is coming up), baseball is in full swing, and hockey just ended. Throw in the French Open and Big Brown's eventual Triple Crown victory and you have a smörgåsbord of phenomenal sporting events. You know what's going on already...but you want predictions. And I got 'em...

Lemme start with the NBA...

We're one game into the Finals, and we're in for a classic. This is what the NBA needed, and I think the Lakers are going to pull it off. But here are the most important storylines to pay attention to:

1. Will Stuart Scott stop threatening viewers, and will his eye finally roll out of his head on live TV?

Stuart Scott is dangerously approaching Chris Berman level...fuck dat...he's at Dane Cook's level. Like Dane Cook, he's not funny, he's long winded, and he's probably been closer to Jessica Alba than I have, which is a travesty. The f'd up thing is before every commercial break he's like, "Don't turn the channel or we'll come to your house and pull the cable out." Word?!?! Please, Stuart, come to my house and try! You probably couldn't see the number on my house with your gooogly eye. Why did they get rid of Dan Patrick? Where is he? FIND HIM AND GET HIM IN THERE!! While we're on the subject of the TV coverage

2. Do all the commentators have to be former Knicks?

Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, Mike Breen, Marv Albert...the list goes on and on. It's not like they are bad commentators, but it just opens the door for a Stephon Marbury/Isaiah Thomas broacasting team in a couple years. I can see it now

Steph: That was a great play by Chris Paul.

Isaiah: It was similar to something I would do back in the day.

S: I know what else you would do back in the day...that 16 year old girl sitting in row 3.

Isaiah: That's it! Your suspneded...until the next commercial break.

S: Let's throw it back to Stuart Scott who's on location at Laredo's house, trying to pull out the cable. Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Hi...I'm at LaredoSlider's house where I just had my good eye stabbed out....

Laredo Slider: BoooYah, muthafucka!!

3. Kobe is a better teammate, and he's got AIDS.

All the commentators are saying, "Kobe's a better teammate", and, "He's one of the guys now". Not true at all...here's the translation: He's not banging out broads in every city he goes to now. That's it. Why is he hanging out with the guys? Because he probably got some disease that doesn't allow him to fuck (wheather they like it or not) girls without getting sued. The only whole in this theory is that if Kobe had AIDS, it would be cured tomorrow.

Anyways...Lakers in 7...I'll talk draft tomorrow...next my baseball prediction

The Cubs and White Sox will play in the World Series, and there will be a bench clearing brawl.

It will be Ozzie Guillen, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Zambrano vs. everybody in the stands and on the field. It'll be great. Pitbulls and chickens will come outta nowhere.

In tennis, Ana Ivanovic will win the French Open, and give me a exclusive interview afterwards.

The interview will be viewable on eskimotube.com...Search for keywords: foreign objects, tennis rackets, trophy, anal, shooting tennis balls, and facial.

Okay...last prediction

Big Brown will win the Triple Crown, only to have it taken away after it is found out that it's just Barry Bonds in a horse costume.

It's obvious the horse is on steroids, and it's named Big Brown. By the way, it's great that the horse is named Big Brown. If Big Brown wins, EVERY BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD HAS TO GO TO A BAR TONIGHT AND USE A PICKUP LINE WITH BIG BROWN IN IT. This is a godsend! I've been practing:

"Did you see the race today? Big Brown won...by 13 inches"

or

"I heard that Big Brown needs a new jockey, and is only auditioning white girls"

or

"Hey, baby...lets go back to my stable, so I can introduce you to Big Brown...but, I must warn you...he spits"

or

"Whoops...wrong hole...but, if you leave a Big Brown spot on my sheets...that's yo ass."

or

"I help you pay for the euthanization of any Little Brown's"

Sorry...abortion isn't a joke. Lemme change the last one.

"If you say that kid is mine...I'll run like Big Brown."

There ya go...now you have a guide to sports for the Summer. I didn't want to make a long article, so I'll give ya another one tomorrow. Some Obama/Clinton things, NBA draft, and a recap of how my pickup lines go...I'm out like Big Brown before he spits in some girls eye....

Christmas Wish List

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...

GFY List...Monday Morning QB on Wednsday...Week of September 30th (a day that will live in infamy)

Last week, I was in a good mood. I was like, "a GFY list would be funny." I was happy with where the Mets were, the Giants' D did a complete about face, and I was back on the east coast...so I was happy as a clam (Jessica Alba's clam). I took a shot at Philly because I thought that they were going to fall short once again, and JDate was looking promising (after my fourth registration).

This week, I'm in a shitty mood. I think a GFY list this week will help me let off some steam. The Mets are home (and they didn't deserve to be playing this week), the Giants are good (but as soon as I finish this sentence, they will shit the bed), and I'm back in L.A...so I am as pissy as a clam (Rosie O'Donnell's clam on her period...sorry, but I'm pissed and spiting out nothing but venom, today...just like, you know what). I just want to get into this list. First up is Anucha Brown-Sanders (ladies, Laredo does love you, unless you stand in the way of one of my franchise gettin' a ring).

#1 - Anucha Brown-Sanders, Isaiah Thomas, Madison Square Garden

For those who don't know, Anucha sued Madison Square Garden and Isaiah Thomas for sexual harassment, and she won. Yes, there was plenty of evidence to suggest that MSG and Zeke were guilty. Pretty cut and dried, right? Isaiah should lose his job, right? Garden boss James Dolan is known for making pretty sensible decisions, right? No, on all counts!

A. Anucha Browne-Sanders proved her case. She supposedly wasn't qualified for the job, and she caused problems at work. If I'm the defense, I would say, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, bitches cause problems at work", the jury would agree and every one would go home happy. Does anybody doubt that she caused problems at work? NO!!!!

B. Isaiah - He admitted to trying to kiss (and inappropriately hug) Mrs. Browne-Sanders. He also said that he uses the word "bitch", but would never use "black bitch" towards the plaintiff. He also said he has a problem with white guys using the word "bitch" towards black women. Let's not give him a medal, yet, because he used his "I'm going to sexually harass this girl at work" card on a sasquatch (all guys play this card as much as possible until they get caught, we just don't know it). Why her?!? She's about 8'2", and not exactly a spring chicken. She must have come to work with dynamite coming out of her pussy. What did Isaiah see in her? She looks a little like Patrick Ewing with a wig. He shoulda tried f'n a Knicks City Dancer. If I'm the defense, I would say, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you think that Isaiah would try to F a sasquatch? This isn't a Jack Link's Jerky commercial, and I don't think so." The jury would agree and everyone would go home happy. Does anybody think she is not a sasquatch? NO!!!!!

C. Madison Square Garden - The ticket prices are too high, and the guy who runs the Garden is an idiot. James Dolan shoulda bought her out (he does that with players every year). And he isn't going to fire Isaiah (yet). He is going to have to, this case proves everything is upside down at the Garden. When the Knicks play, they are going to have women groups protesting, and Marbury is going to try and fuck them all (which will open up another can of crabs).

Bottom Line - There will probably be one Knick that gets killed at a club this year, and another who gets arrested (20 to 1 on a Knick getting shot...7 to 2 on an arrest...2 to 1 the arrested Knick is the one who fired the shots). We don't need a distraction like this trial, right now...especially when other shit starts hitting the fan.

#2 - Cops

What are going to happen to Mike Vick's pits? Read 'dis (thepoint.com) :

The 48 remaining dogs “appear to have some potential for possible placement with specific conditions,” according to Rosenberg’s motion. The prosecutors plan to ask Hudson to appoint a guardian to oversee the disposition and placement of the rest of the dogs.

Some of the dogs might be used to fight crime one day. A future in law enforcement was among the four categories of placement considered for each dog, according to the motion, made by Rosenberg’s office.

Oh, so Mike trained the dogs for you?! Let's call him Lt. Ron Mexico. Let him go!!! He just donated 48 dogs to fighting crime, and that was his plan all along. The cops are planning to use pits?!?! Hell no!!! I don't want to be running and have a pit clamp on to me, because I was pulled over for D.W.B. (driving while black...or dickin' white bitches). Puhleeeze...I think #7 will be taking snaps in the NFL (especially after Mr. Goodell reads this explanation). Then...

Last week in Newport Beach, CA, Dennis Rodman was charged formally with touching a woman in an intimate place. He was at a bar, and had a innuendo filled conversation with a girl (supposedly she asked to see his dick and he pulled it out, seriously). He then slapped her ass. Whatdaflidduck?! There should be two crimes. Rodman should be charged for taking his dick out. He should also be charged with taking his dick out, and not getting as little as a tug-job. The cops f'd it up. You can't charge somebody with "slapping an intimate body part" if it's her ass (unless she's a porno star that specializes in anal...which includes shooting medicine balls through her ass...i can't be the only one who saw that one). I was like, "damn, this niggas hard, slapping bitches' tities." Nope, it was her ass. I can't believe the cops are persuing this.

#3 - The Mets (except Scott Schoenweis) - I don't need to write any more about the Mets, except this. Scott Schoenweis had the right idea...use steroids. As a fan, it obvious that the Mets don't care about me, so they should use steroids, because I don't care about them. Here's to hoping Joes Reyes comes to spring training with "30 lbs. more of muscle" a.k.a. roided up.

I'm out like Rodman's dick at a family restaurant.

A New Day, A New Era - Curse of the Celtics - Darko to Celts

As you could probably tell from my pick by pick draft blog, I am estatic about the Knicks landing Z-Bo (Zach Randolph). The Knicks traded Channing Frye and Stevie Franchise for him, which equates to nothing. The offensive low post is dominant, and Isaiah gets an A for his draft day dealings. The Knicks have a young nucleus now, with Crawford, Curry, Randolph, Lee, etc. (average age 25.9 years old). And a roster that can grow together. So enough gushing about Isaiah, and let's start piling on the GM's who have no balls.

There are three GMs who are former Celtics that I want to go after. Danny Ainge, Kevin McHale, and Larry Bird. The reason I do this is because some writers, commentators, etc. do not go after these guys for the crap that they put together year after year. First up, Danny Ainge. Out of the three GMs, he is the one that is in a big market, and he's heard the critics. The only thing I can say about Ainge is that there is something about his personality that players don't like. Robert Horry threw a towel in his face, when Ainge was coaching the Suns. Shawn Marion doesn't want to play for Ainge (nobody in the league wants to goto Boston). Garnett vetoed his trade to Boston. Ainge reminds me of Bobby Valentine. He's got a great mind for his sport, but the other intangibles that he lacks make players not want to play for him. That will be the reason why Ainge leaves this job, or any other jobs he may have. (I do like the Allen trade, only if he gets a power forward/center thats established, without giving up Al Jefferson...otherwise, I hate it).

P.S. - It is becoming more evident that Darko Milicic is going to command 7+ million dollars a year. He shouldn't get it, but will...Ainge will explore a sign and trade for Darko, in a gamble. I don't think is worth it, but this has Danny Ainge written all over it.

Next on the chopping block, Kevin McHale. There was recently a poll, or some statistical bullshit, that said McHale one of the best GMs in sports. He is the worst, period. I was a big supporter of what he was doing when he had Garnett and Marbury. He made two (easy) decisions to draft them, and then Stephon asked for a trade. McHale had his hand forced, and proved he wasn't shrewd with handling trades, signings, etc. He now needs to trade his all world power forward to make things right. But, this is a guy who gets pennies on the dollar for his trades. Then there is the Joe Smith debacle, where the Wolves lost a bunch of picks, for making an illegal agreement. So here is my statistical bullshit to prove my point:

Picks since 98:
1998 Radoslav Neseterovic (17th Pick)
1999 Wally Szczerbiak (6th Pick)
2005 Rashad McCants (14th Pick)
2006 Randy Foye (7th Pick)
2007 Corey Brewer (7th Pick)

I don't like the Brewer pick, because Joakim Noah would have a bigger impact, and is more unique, as a player.

Signings by McHale
-2002: Wally Szczerbiak gets 6 years and $63 million
-2003: Michael Olowokandi gets 3 years and $16.2 million
-2004: Troy Hudson gets 6 years and $37 million
-2004: Trenton Hassell gets 6 years and $26.1 million
-2005: Mark Madsen gets 5 years and $10 million

Gross. Nuff Said.

Next. Larry Legend.

I know he had to trade Ron Artest, for Peja Stojakavic, who left as a free agent. I know the city of Indianapolis, didn't like Jax, but to trade a guy like Al Harrington with Stephen Jackson is ludicrous (he traded a draft pick to get Al Harrington). These two moves have totally removed the legitimacy from the Pacers franchise. He basically traded Ron Artest, Al Harrington, a lottery pick, Sarunas Jasikeivicius, and Stephen Jackson for Troy Murphy, Ike Diogu, and Mike Dunleavy Jr. As Bill Walton would say, "That is HOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRIBLE." I like the fact the Pacers are down on their luck, and thats probably why I wrote this article.

Now to the GM's that rolled aces on Thursday:

Michael Jordan (Bobcats) - Got Jason Richardson and Jared Dudley
Kevin PritchaRd (Blazers) - Got the 2006 McDonalds All-American Team
Isaiah Thomas (Knicks) - Ensured an eastern conference crown for the next 4 years.

Enough N.B.A., for now.