Laredo's Kerry Collins Edition Monday QB (yes, I have been drinking) - GFY List

This article is dedicated to Kerry Collins, my fourth favorite QB of all-time (Simms, Hostetler, Eli, KC5). If it weren't for Kerry, I wouldn't have thought it was acceptable to write, drunk, using racial slurs. I've dropped n-bombs, made fun of Asians, exploited Mexicans through stereotypes, etc. The thing is, is that I'm a realist, and some people may not say the things that are on their minds, but guys like Kerry Collins and I do. This GFY list is going to be dedicated to the numerous analysts how have spewed shit out of their mouths this week.

First on the chopping block, A-Rod Haters...

How do you blame A-Rod for doing what he is doing? He has the ability to make more money by opting out of his contract. On Monday, I'm watching Sportcenter, and their headline is "The Greediest Player Ever". WTF?!?! If I could make more money, I would, and so would everybody else. The other thing that is funny is FOX announced that A-Rod was a free agent right before the ninth inning in the World Series clincher. The story really broke before the game and they waited, and made A-Rod look bad (even though, if I'm A-Rod I don't mind that move...I would try to get FOX to C.G.I. my nuts on the screen, as the Red Sox celebrate their championship). People are idiots...who are we to decide what A-Rod does? Big GFY to A-Rod Haters.

(BTW, I came up on this article on ESPN.com, and I'm appalled by the fact that they pay people to write absolute crap. I'm starting a petition.)

Next, Tony Romo...

I will write this directly to Tony...

Tony,

Wipe that shit-eating grin off of your face. I didn't mind you when you were a backup QB. I started to get pissed when you were linked to Jessica Simpson. Now you sign a extension for 31 million, guaranteed. I officially hate you. You're single, and the rich QB of the Cowboys. Hook a brotha, up (me, not T.O.). If you win a Super Bowl, and become part of the Holy Trinity of QB's (Farve, Manning, Brady), I'll be pissed. I'm a little jealous, but if you get stuck up and robbed, you asked for it...GFY!!!!

Now that's off my chest, next is Bill Belichick haters....

This week, the Pats beat the Redskins 52-7. People then complained that it was bad sportsmanship, etc. Then they lamented that Bill Belichick is a cheater. It's amazing...I compare Bill Belichick to a cool George W. Bush. You talk shit about him. Then you realize he has the best weapons, but unlike Bush, he uses them to their full extent, and wins wars. Belichek is pissed, and so is his team. The funny thing is, how do you complain about a team running up the score? There are two simple ways to combat it. Cheap shot the pretty boy QB (it will only cost you 15 yards), or don't let the score get out of control (show some heart). If it was 38-0 and I see the other team trying to pass the ball, the next play is an all-out blitz. I would send all 15 guys (I would have four extra guys blitzing from the sidelines). Then I would make all the beer in the stadium free, and tell the fans where the Pats team bus is. Bottom line is people call the Pats cheaters and creeps, only because idiots on ESPN tell them to. Bill Belichick haters......................................................................GFY!!!!!!!!!!

Next, Snitches!

No, really, snitches. First, Mike Vick's boys snitch his ass out of playing football and millions. Then O.J.'s henchmen are turning on the Juice. WTFWTFWTF?!?!? These people single handedly fucked up Madden '09, and any hope for a new "Naked Gun" movie. What's next?!?!? Snitching on Santa Claus because the North Pole is a sweat shop?!?!? GEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY, SNITCH ASS SNITCHES!!!!

(if O.J. is reading this...there is this guy in Dallas who just got 31 million dollars...we'll call him Rony Tomo...I think that he has memoribilia and white bitches at his house...I'll meet you there).

Generated Beef, Part III

Shame on you Las Vegas Police, Roger Goodell, David Stern, and Hennessey. You guys have created a Molotov cocktail of danger by allowing brothas to go a lawless city, with too many laws. Tell them they can have a good time at a basketball game where the best in the world are playing, and partying. Hennessey, you know what you guys do, too. Brothas get looooose on some Hennessey. Cause them to go to strip clubs to make it monsoon. People get shot, and the wrong people get suspended and jailed.

A new case in point is the O.J. Simpson case. He went to Vegas, with henchmen in tow, looking for some guys who stole his memorabilia (in O.J.’s cell phone, he doesn’t have the traditional group contact settings like “family”, “business”, “friends”…he has “Henchmen”, “Ho’s”, and “Rapper’s That are Scared of Me, So They Hangout with Me”). He obviously premeditates the whole thing because he barges into a hotel room, and steals his shit back, and he was strapped. So, the dumb Las Vegas Police charge him with 8 felonies (after bringing Pacman Jones up on similar charges, and having their case blown apart). The guys who O.J. supposedly robbed already fesses up to stealing things from O.J. Now O.J.’s pissed, and a motivated O.J. is gonna do one of two things: run for 2,000 yards in the NFL, or kill people (and he hasn’t played football in years). Here are the mistakes the D.A. made when O.J. went to his bail hearing:

1.) 125,000 dollar bail….LOLOLOLOL!!!!! That’s pocket change, or what we like to call “Make it Rain” money. 125,000 dollar bail = $250,000 night out in Vegas, look out bitches (yes, I used “we” when discussing O.J. in the last sentence…once O.J. walks in to a building, I know who I’m rollin’ with)

2.) They took his passport away so that he wouldn’t flee the country…LOLOLOLOL!!!!! O.J. is going NOWHERE…this is his home turf. They should stop issuing passports around the world for anybody wanting to come here, cuz da Juice is Loose!!!!

3.) They really wanna send O.J. to Jail? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! If O.J. goes to jail he will not rehabilitate (duh), but what he will do is organize and get acquainted with the inmates. O.J. has the most street cred of any celebrity EVER...He’s killed, left his jizz on the scene, and wrote a book about it. He would have a rock star following in jail. The most prominent prison gangs would be the Aryans, the La Eme, and the O.J.’s (not the band…you notice I didn’t mention the Bloods and Crips…O.J. would figure out a way to unite them and take over whatever jail he’s in)

And one mistake from Ron Goldman’s family, who wants the memorabilia as part of their son’s wrongful death suit against O.J.:

DON’T ask for the memorabilia. O.J. will “redeem” these items once the smoke clears.

Over the last 13 years, there haven’t been any unexplained murders involving Hall of Fame running backs and two white people, and we should keep it that way. I must give O.J. credit, though because everybody is enthralled by O.J. and anything he’s involved with. MTV should do “Punk’d” with Ashton Kutcher and we would be able to kill two birds with one stone (knife). I can see it now:

O.J.’s Girlfriend (white blond, big booty): O.J. I think you got me pregnant!!

O.J.: What, bitch?!?

O.J.’s Girl & Ashton Kutcher: You’ve been Punked!!! (Kutcher has that shit-eating-grin on his face)

O.J. (sheepishly): (stabs everybody)

The problem is that the new “Punk’d” would only last one episode.