The 1st Annual Slizzies

It's nearing the end of the year, and I am handing out awards to the people, things, animals, women, etc. that have made 2007 a special year. I don't want to put it in one article because I know people who read this website have the attention span of me during high school girls volleyball practice, and I can't make the article too long (just kidding, I really mean womens' college volleyball...they don't let me in school zones anymore). Basically I'm going to run down different categories until the final category, which will be "Laredo Slider's Person of the Year".

What is a Slizzie ? It can be two things. It's the trophy I hand out to people who win each category, or it's a slang term for stuff dripping down a girls' back, chest, face, etc. after "making love". Either way, people should be honored to get it (or gettin' it on her). This is an important award, and like the Oscars, Grammy's, etc., I need to create a trophy that is legendary. So, I decided to take the things I liked and put it into one trophy. Hennessey, weed, blunts (Dutchmasters), chicken and hot sauce (Red Rooster), automatic weapons (AR-15), white ho's (Jessica Alba), and a sick crossover. That's all I need in life, and when I hand out the trophy, I want the recipients to feel that this is the only trophy they need in life (even though nobody has a nastier crossover than me). Here it is:

On to the first catagory:

Most Gangsta Operation of the Year

Nominees:

Madison Square Garden - Sexually harassing employees (and nobody gets fired), banging interns

Bad Newz Kennels/Michael Vick - Dogfighting

Pacman Jones - "Making it Rain" in the strip club, triple shooting ensues, Pacman gets 100 hours communtiy service

O.J. Simpson - Stealing back shit that he sold to somebody years back.

Barry Bonds - Breaks Home Run record, on steroids

Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears - Drugs, Alcohol, going the wrong way down highways, getting kids taken away, AND STILL STACKIN' PAPER!!!!

Winner:
Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears
Pacman, Barry, and O.J. were close in the voting, but the they got zeros in the "white ho's that I would fuck" catagory (and I'm sure they would understand). Madison Square Garden had to pay 11 million dollars to some ugly bitch (who NONE of them got pregnant), and the Knicks still suck. Mike Vick is going to spend the next couple of years beating off to National Geographic, in jail (he also lost about 145 million). Bonds was close because people would rather go to jail, than snitch on him, and he hasn't lost money due to his transgressions. Pacman didn't get to play football this year, even though he did "make it rain" in the club. He is real close because "making it rain" is one of the values that I want in Slizzie recipients. And O.J. is going to jail, but he did use overwelming force in stealing his shit back, which is another value that I want in Slizzie recipients. What it comes down to is the four Hollywood broads are sooooooo much more gangsta than any of them. The only people who are getting turned off by these broads are other broads! Broads like other broads like Nicole Kidman, "because she's so classy, and she's a great actress, blah, blah, blah". FUCK DAT!!! I don't like pale bitches who are classy. I like young white ho's, who like to party, and fuck, and drive fast cars, drunk at night down the wrong way of the I-5!!!!! AND THEY STILL STACK CHEDDA!!! The reason that they still get attention is because dudes like them! The only one that is remotely hot is Lohan, but whodatfuck cares?!?! I would marry Brittney Spears right now, and take care of her kids...check that...I would marry Brittney Spears right now and let the kids run around the house sticking their fingers in outlets...while I smoke weed on the couch playing XBOX 360, and spend dat bitches money!!! So, ho's, this Slizzie is for you!

Most Gangsta Operation '07

An Ode to Grossman

The Bears died this weekend (no, Michael Vick didn't escape jail and flee to Canada, where he started a bear fighting ring, only to kill bears who didn't win...then Vick ironically entered the Iditerod where he started the race with 8 dogs, only to finish with 2 really pissed off dogs). The Chicago Bears pretty much ended their one year run of being relevant. And it may be the end of the road for the "Sex Cannon" Rex Grossman. I don't really care about the Bears, but I like to see them lose. And I like to hear the misery of their fans. So here is The Double B's state of the Bears report after the loss to the shitty-ass Redskins:

An Ode to Grossman

With Thursday’s devastating loss to the Redskins, the Bears find themselves without Rex Grossman and without a playoff birth. As a Bears fan I’m not surprised we missed the playoffs. Last year’s schedule was easier than taking home the drunk, fat, horny girl and enticing her with pizza and ribs back at your pad. However, it’s the end of era in Chicago. This is Rex’s contract year, and the Bears would have to be stupider than Ron Turner calling a run up the gut on third and ten, than to resign Grossman (yes, Ron Turner is about as entertaining as Jessica Alba’s acting, just take it off already). Like most of Chicago I’m not sad to see him go. Unlike Mark Prior (I hope you die), I wish you well, Grossman. You’re Jewish (huge plus), you party with groupie hoes from the western suburbs (call me next time), and you like showing off that sexy arm by chucking it downfield when you know Berrien is overrated.

Grossman took a lot of heat as the main man, most of it deserved. However, I did enjoy wondering which Rex would show up. I always based my prediction on how hard he wanted to go out drinking the night before with neck beard (that’s Kyle Orton, and no I don’t want him running our limp dick O). What quarterback, week after week, offers the excitement as Grossman? Will he throw for 345 yards? Will he make Mohammed not look like a washed up piece of shit? Or will he get sacked twice in the 1^st quarter, get frustrated and say, “fuck it I’m throwing it deep.” How does a team replace that? And I have an answer, Donovan McFuckingNabb.

It’s obvious the Bears are great at signing washed up shitty quarterbacks. We are even better at drafting shittier quarterbacks and running backs. Why not sign McNabb and put him behind an O-line that can’t block? Let McNabb show how old and beat up he with a sub-par receiving core and no running game. And, if that doesn’t work out, Grossman will be a free agent in two years (he’ll get the same offer Joey Harrington got). I tip my hat to Grossman as he walks out the door. Best of luck with your new team, but you’ll probably get injured in the pre-season and be out of the league next year anyway. Sexy Rexy will be missed, but missed in the way that I miss my yearly prostate exam.

Thanks, Bruce, but the Bears are a joke of a team. No, seriously...A black guy (Hester), a Jewish guy (Rex Grossman), a white supremacist (Brian Urlacher), and a Muslim (Mushin Mohammed Al-Zarqlrgjqerogieqrgi) walk into a stadium, trying to win a football game, when the black guy says, "I'm really good at football, but I don't have a position...I do run like I stole something, though." The Jewish guy says, "I was good at football in college, but my judgment is as good as Lance Briggs at 1:58 am, right after he gets his keys from the valet." The Muslim says, "are you really Jewish? only because you suicide bombed our team this year, as if you're going to bang 40 virgins in heaven." They lose the game and the white supremacist threatens to kill them all, until the black guy nervously says, "Let's get the Jewish guy outta here. I know this guy who can play, and he's Irish". The white supremacist agrees, and spares them all...until he sees the Irish guy is black (Donovan McFuckinNabb)!!!! LOLOLLOLLOLOLLOLOL...good luck next decade, Chicago.