More Predictions...

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everybody! I hope everybody is remembering the man, his message, and are celebrating the one race that matters…the human race. Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about another race. A race to the NFC crown, which is OVER!!! As everybody knows, the Giants won the NFC last night in one of the most thrilling, legendary games. The Giants are on a legendary playoff run. If they win it all it will rank with the ’69 Mets and ’94 Rangers as one of the most cherished championships any team has won in city history. Those two teams actually were given a chance; this Giants team was NOT given a chance.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (I did that earlier while watching The Best of Nautica Thorn: Asian Sensation), but I did proclaim in my October 25^th article that the Giants had a serious shot to bring home the NFC title. I also have to go back to my December 24^th article when I proclaimed that the Giants can get to the championship, and I was going to bang Danielle Fishel’s (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”) fat ass at a Super Bowl party. This is kinda scary because everything I’m saying is finally coming true! I am going to make some statements in this article because if shit I predict is starting to become true, then I might as well shoot for the stars!

I’m not going to make predictions like “I’m going to bang Jessica Alba” because I don’t own any date rape, drug-filled poison darts. But I am going to make some predictions that seem very unlikely. I hope my readers are patient as these predictions come to fruition (especially this next one):

I will bang Mylie Cyrus (Hannah Montana) when she turns 18, and I will bust a nut simultaneously while her father has a fatal heart attack. Then she will turn over her financial decisions to me.

I can see this happening because in three years, when she’s 18, Laredoslider.com will probably evolve into a full fledged porn site. So I will be on the fast track of being the next Hugh Heffner (except with ho’s with genetically engineered asses).

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, and give Laredoslider.com a exclusive interview where I ask the question, “Have you ever sucked dick before?” She will then cry while giving me head. It’s not like she is going to be the first president to suck dick (zing).

World War III will start when a Jewish man is told by a Muslim man, working at a 7-11, that one bottle of water costs $1.29. The Jewish man says that the sign say “2 for $2”. The Muslim man will say, “Only if you buy two”. This will lead to another thousand years of conflict, including WWIII.

The government will classify chinky-eyed Mexicans as Asians. Because, really, can we tell the difference?

I will be a millionaire in 2008 after rigging the World Series of Poker.

The city of Philadelphia will be bombed, by the United States…nobody will care.

I will get pulled over for no reason, and then I will be asked to get out of the car for no reason.

The New York Mets will win the National League in 2008.

I will learn to become a carpenter and turn Serena William’s ass into a table.

I will invent a new skin care lotion, like Proactiv, and people will use it…until the day I admit that I was just bottling my own jizz…

I will invent a new energy drink, like Red Bull, and people will use it…until, you know

Scientists will genetically engineer a sausage so big; it could feed a whole country. They call it “Laredo’s Dick”.

The national anthem will be replaced by Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”

Derek Jeter admits he’s gay. Then he tells his Yankee teammates to sniff the handles on their bats because “that’s how he rolls”.

Oh yeah…the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl…Eli Manning will have such a good game that he will finally get his own commercials…for erectile dysfunction (but, hey, who cares?). I walk around for 4 hours after the game with an erection, but I will not consult a physician.

Christmas Wish List

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...