Signs of the Apocalypse

I was thinking about how good it feels to be a Mets fan today, versus a month and a half ago, when I wrote my last article. The Mets just finished beating the crap outta the Phillies to take first place today, and Carlos Delgado was the hero. The funny thing about the article, last month, was that I called Carlos Delgado a bum (and the season isn't done yet, so he hasn't lifted that tag yet). Since then he's been the catalyst of the Mets offense (he's hitting .307, 11 dongs, 30 ribbies since the article), and the pitching has been phenomenal. So this is starting to look familiar...like the time I wrote the article about the Giants being good enough to win it all in October last year (NO!!!!! Your never going to stop hearing about that!!!). I'm going on a limb right now, and saying that the Mets have what it takes to win the mediocre National League, and who knows? Maybe win it all... But enough about the Mets, because they have been known to shit on my emotions before (and, with their payroll, they should win the NL)...

I have been in Vegas for a while, and every day's temperature averages 106-ish...so I believe the world is going to hell in a hand basket, and all the earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. are proof. I believe in positive and negative energy (drinks) and there are reasons for these phenomenons...

1. Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is putting a stamp on her career that will make her the most successful cast member of Saved by The Bell.

When I watched Saved By the Bell back in the day, I thought that order of hotness of all the girls went like this:

1. Kelly Kapowski
2. Lisa Turtle
3. Jessie Spano

Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) went on to 90210, then disappeared. Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhees) straight up disappeared. The guys on the show Zach Morris and Screech, went on to NYPD Blue and home porn respectively (yes, Screech was in a porno called Saved by the Smell which we will no longer talk about). And the one transsexual cast member, A.C. Slater, is now hosting America Best Dance Crew on MTV (it's amazing...he actually makes J.C. Chasez look straight). Back to the ladies...how has Jessie Spano shot to the top of the charts? First was Showgirls, which came out in 1995 when I was a young boy of only 13 inches. This opened my eyes to the world of after midnight Cinemax. Now she's going to be on the L-Word...a show about carpet eaters on Showtime. I'll never watch this show, but at least the girl is working hard doing things that make sense, like other chicks. Therefore, she is the most accomplished member of the Saved by the Bell crew, which I could have never predicted.

2. Madonna ends A-Rod's marriage

I hate to bring up Kobe in this discussion (because he makes the world a better place), but what happened to the days when a star athlete would put his marriage on the rocks by banging a hooker, stripper, or high school (I mean college) girl , and denying it until his wife forgave him? A-Rod decides to get caught banging Madonna, and it's not like he owns a time machine. She's 35 and not hot anymore. If I'm paying a guy $27 million a year, I want him to mess with a $27 million dollar a year girl (a.k.a. 5 girls every night, using all holes). Otherwise, stick to being married, and don't let your personal life affect the team. Why is he married anyways? All I know is that I can start writing more slanderous articles about gay encounters between him and Derek Jeter, and that's a good thing.


3. NBA players are heading overseas for more money

I could write a real sports article on how the basketball landscape is changing, and how David Stern needs to change the financial structure of the NBA to allow teams to actually make a profit, but that ain't happening. Bottom line is mid-tier players are getting more money to play in Europe (translation: brothas are getting more money to ball in Europe, and we all know how much European ho's love the brothas...BALLIN'!!!!). So, how is this the sign of the apocalypse? Well, lets put it this way...what happens if Ron Artest signs to play in Iran? Then he knocks up the whole female population. Then in twenty-five years, we'll have a Ayatollah Ron Artest Jr....then the United States will have a real problem. This could happen and David Stern needs to step in a prevent this from happening! I mean...the second Ron Artest steps inside of the Iranian border, they officially have a weapon of mass destruction, and we would have to bomb them back to the Stone Age (a.k.a. Iran circa 2006). I know Ron Ron ain't signing there, but some other ignorant brotha will, and the U.S. will feel the wrath if we're not careful.


no photoshop needed...

So there it is...three signs of the apocalypse...actually four, because Carlos Delgado can actually catch up to a belt-high 89 m.p.h. fastball. Let's GO METS!!!

Tell me something I didn't know...GFY Edition

Tell me something I didn't know...

It's a sarcastic cliche that people use all the time...here's another one: Go Fuck Yourself. So today, I bring back an old favorite of mine, the GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) list. The theme will be things I know but am pissed about. Simple enough...

1. The NBA is fixed...

You don't have to look far from last night's NBA Finals game two. I'm not saying Boston didn't deserve to win, but I am saying that the referee's were sooooooooo into the vibe that the home crowd was giving off, they made a ton of calls for the Celtics, and not many for the Lakers. All you have to do is look at the offensive foul they called for Kobe's 2nd foul and look no further. I'm not saying that they were giving calls to the Celtics, but they were calling nothing for the Lakers. I expect the Lakers to get the same calls, in L.A....but in the end it comes down to David Stern...who get's a big GFY.

Update (6:15 P.M. EST) - Tim Donaghy just said that the 2002 Western Conference Semis (Lakers beat the Kings in 7) were fixed by two refs...I remember watching those games and thinking something was up, but something is telling me Donaghy is telling the truth, and the NBA is in deep do-do (shit).

2. Carlos Delgado is a bum

I know that he's almost 36 and regular humans don't get better as they get older, but here are some assumptions about Carlos Delgado that I have to get off my chest (this is after watching him boot a ground ball in yesterday's game in San Diego...yeah, I know he gotta couple of hits, BUT he still a bum). Here are the assumptions (and he's a class act, so it's kinda hard to lower the boom on him, but at LS.com nobody is exempt):

1. I'm under the impression that Carlos was on something...

YES, I am accusing Delgado of juicing. He's smaller than he was when he first came to the Mets, his production has gone down the shitter, and he swings and misses too much. He gets beat with fastballs in places where he didn't before. He wants to get to 500 HR's and is 61 away...Bring the girl ya brought to the dance...the little green homerun hitters (that's a foreshadow for number 3)

2. His passiveness is the reason the Mets are passive.

So we got this big, black guy playing first base...and he's a pussy (well, let's just say I think he's too laid back, but someone can be "laid back" and still have the fire to hustle every play, AND FIELD GROUND BALLS). I do think he is a good human being, but on the baseball field, he's the guy who bridges the gap between the English speaking vets, and the Latin speaking vets. He needs to be on the back page of the paper more often calling people "Gringos" and "Maricons". He needs to show some fire, and he might get angry and start playing better. A good Delgado, plus a healthy Alou, is what makes the lineup go. The Mets have to be the team that NO team is scarred of charging the mound against. There is no edge. If Delgado said more, then the whole team would have more of a bravado, and the Mets would win the NL East.

3. Carlos Delgado isn't the same person as of two years ago...He's really Pedro Cerrano...

Remember in Major League when Pedro Cerrano needed to sacrifice a live chicken to ensure he was going to have a good game? (for those of you too young to remember, it's a must watch...for those of you to young to remember that are female...310-903-3796). Then they got a bucket of KFC instead, and Pedro hit a game tying home run, and the Indians won the AL East. Well Carlos Delgado came to the Mets, hits some home runs, the Mets won the NL East...but it isn't a coincidence. A great sequel was expected in both. Didn't happen. Remember the crapshed movie that was Major League 2? Remember the crapshed season that was 2007 for the Mets? Both had Carlos Cerrano's fingerprints all over them. Remember Major League 3? Ya know about the '08 Mets... So I'm pretty confident that they ARE the same person. When you look at their pictures...it's no wonder they have never been seen in the same place.




See, same guy...So here is a big GFY to Carlos Delgado...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! (translation: I know a good HGH guy..310-903-3796)

Stay tuned for a David Wright/Roger Dorn article in 10 years....

3. The Chicago Bears need a QB

This might be the only "Tell me something I didn't know..." that's super obvious, BUT... here's the issue. Cedric Benson, Chicago's star, bust running back got nailed for driving under the influence TWICE, in Texas, in the last month (once in a boat, once in a car with some big ass rims). Then the Bears released him yesterday(okay...I started off saying the Bears needed a QB...but I don't wanna talk about it...I wanted to take a stance on how certain NFL players get a long leash, and some don't...but I woulda cut this bitchassni**a last year... there is no real purpose for "The Chicago Bears need a QB"...I just think it's time for a run-on sentence in CAPS, even though white people say 'you speak so well', because FUCKDAPOLICE). YA'LL THINK BECAUSE A BROTHA IS DRIVING A BOAT, AND HE'S GOT COGNAG ON BOARD, HE'S DRUNK? LIKE WE PLAN ON CRASHIN DAT SHIT AND SWIMMIN TO SHORE WE PLAN ON DRINKIN YAK BIG PIMPIN, SON WE AIN'T GETTIN OUR GATORS WET OR TAKING SWIMMIN' LESSONS AND SO WHAT I GOT A FRESH LINE UP, FRESH OUTFIT, BOUT TO HAVE THE PARKING LOT ON SMASH YOU AIN'T GOTTA PULL A BROTHER OVER BECAUSE HE GOT A CHEVY WITH A 454 IN THE HOOD, 125 ON DA DASH!!!

(back to 'you speak so well' mode):

Here's a hearty GFY to all Po'lice who got gotta hate on a brotha because he's flossin'...GFY, puercos...

So, GFY's to David Stern and da' Police (who have to have the most GFY's ever), and a GFY to Carlos Pedro Cerrano Delgado....

Peace, and see ya'll, tomorrow?

SANTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mets just completed a deal to bring Johan "the best pitcher in the league, SUCK IT!!!!!" Santana to Queens. I don't have much to say except that I am a happy sports fan, because now one of my teams is playing for a championship, and another will follow. AND, the Mets gave up nothing (4 minor league prospects)!!! I'm besides myself, so I'm going to interview myself.

Me: Johan Santana is a Met...

Me: Yeah...I know...I predicted it June 19, 2007

Me: How do you feel about Johan Santana being a Met?

Me: It feels great.

Me: How are you going to celebrate?

Me: By going to the liquor store and getting some Hennessey.

Me: Don't you think you should stop talking to yourself before you go to the liquor store.

Me: No...like it would be weird to see a black guy talking to himself outside of a liquor store.

Me: True...maybe we can panhandle, too!

Me: Sounds like a plan...

LET'S GO METS '08!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS '08!!! LET'S GO RANGERS '08!!! Knicks...'08 is our year...for getting the number one pick. Phuck Philly!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

More Predictions...

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everybody! I hope everybody is remembering the man, his message, and are celebrating the one race that matters…the human race. Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about another race. A race to the NFC crown, which is OVER!!! As everybody knows, the Giants won the NFC last night in one of the most thrilling, legendary games. The Giants are on a legendary playoff run. If they win it all it will rank with the ’69 Mets and ’94 Rangers as one of the most cherished championships any team has won in city history. Those two teams actually were given a chance; this Giants team was NOT given a chance.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (I did that earlier while watching The Best of Nautica Thorn: Asian Sensation), but I did proclaim in my October 25^th article that the Giants had a serious shot to bring home the NFC title. I also have to go back to my December 24^th article when I proclaimed that the Giants can get to the championship, and I was going to bang Danielle Fishel’s (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”) fat ass at a Super Bowl party. This is kinda scary because everything I’m saying is finally coming true! I am going to make some statements in this article because if shit I predict is starting to become true, then I might as well shoot for the stars!

I’m not going to make predictions like “I’m going to bang Jessica Alba” because I don’t own any date rape, drug-filled poison darts. But I am going to make some predictions that seem very unlikely. I hope my readers are patient as these predictions come to fruition (especially this next one):

I will bang Mylie Cyrus (Hannah Montana) when she turns 18, and I will bust a nut simultaneously while her father has a fatal heart attack. Then she will turn over her financial decisions to me.

I can see this happening because in three years, when she’s 18, Laredoslider.com will probably evolve into a full fledged porn site. So I will be on the fast track of being the next Hugh Heffner (except with ho’s with genetically engineered asses).

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, and give Laredoslider.com a exclusive interview where I ask the question, “Have you ever sucked dick before?” She will then cry while giving me head. It’s not like she is going to be the first president to suck dick (zing).

World War III will start when a Jewish man is told by a Muslim man, working at a 7-11, that one bottle of water costs $1.29. The Jewish man says that the sign say “2 for $2”. The Muslim man will say, “Only if you buy two”. This will lead to another thousand years of conflict, including WWIII.

The government will classify chinky-eyed Mexicans as Asians. Because, really, can we tell the difference?

I will be a millionaire in 2008 after rigging the World Series of Poker.

The city of Philadelphia will be bombed, by the United States…nobody will care.

I will get pulled over for no reason, and then I will be asked to get out of the car for no reason.

The New York Mets will win the National League in 2008.

I will learn to become a carpenter and turn Serena William’s ass into a table.

I will invent a new skin care lotion, like Proactiv, and people will use it…until the day I admit that I was just bottling my own jizz…

I will invent a new energy drink, like Red Bull, and people will use it…until, you know

Scientists will genetically engineer a sausage so big; it could feed a whole country. They call it “Laredo’s Dick”.

The national anthem will be replaced by Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”

Derek Jeter admits he’s gay. Then he tells his Yankee teammates to sniff the handles on their bats because “that’s how he rolls”.

Oh yeah…the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl…Eli Manning will have such a good game that he will finally get his own commercials…for erectile dysfunction (but, hey, who cares?). I walk around for 4 hours after the game with an erection, but I will not consult a physician.

Christmas Wish List

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...