Monday Morning QB

I love being able to watch sports from Friday night all the way up to Sunday night. These are the weekends that solidify the reason why I remain kinda single, and solidify the pact I made to myself not to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua until it's on video/bootleg. Baseball Friday, Saturaday, and Sunday. College football Friday and Saturday. The NFL yesterday was ridiculous, and there was even preseason NBA. Too much to cover, based on the fact that you can go to ESPN.com and get biased opinions on all these events. Not that ESPN.com is biased, but they aren't going to recklessly comment on certain stories based on their policies, etc. I ,on the other hand, will write articles based on rumor and I don't check my facts. So I gotta comment on a story that broke Sunday night about one NFL tight end.

Leading up to tonight's Monday Night Football game, Kellen Winslow was in the hospital with an unknown illness. I was thinking through the week that he had some type of bad herpes, or something embarrassing, because the media had no idea what he had. This is the type of info that gets released usually, but it didn't up til this weekend. Winslow was in the hospital because his balls were swollen to the size of grapefruits! That is amazing because you know Winslow was taking some type of Cialis/Viagra drug for fun, and it backfired on him. How does that happen? I would wait a couple of hours to go to the hospital, and make funny picture messages of my balls, and send it to friends and teammates. I wouldn't send it to Brady Quinn, though. I'm not too sure what "team" he plays on, let's put it that way. But, that's what I would do...

Monday Night Pick

Giants (-8) at the Browns

My Giants are the best team in football, because they run it the best, take care of the ball, play great D, have a QB who can make all the throws, are the deepest team at the skill positions, have a punter who routinely puts the ball inside the opponents' 20, draft better than any other team, and have confidence because they have one of the best coaches in the game. The Browns have...a tight end with swollen balls. Giants 90, Brown 3 ...seriously, take the Giants and the UNDER...

Fantasy Move of the Week

Tony Romo is out for two weeks, so pick up Brad Johnson and trade him to the one Cowboys fan in the league everybody hates. If you're in my league, just stop logging in...I'm 6 and oh, and resistance is futile.

Go Giants! TAKE CARE OF BUISNESS! PLAX, STFU!!!!

A Dream of a Game

I had a dream last Sunday. It was a dream where I was watching my favorite football team, without a care in the world. I was drinking heavily, Jessica Simpson was there, and Tony Romo was running scared. It was awesome. I am a proponent of sharing and analyzing my dreams, because they mean something (even if it’s a dream I have over and over…like violating Jessica Alba’s mouth…which usually means I switch the sheets out when I wake up).

As the dream starts, I see a stadium filled with Mexicans and rednecks. I think that I’m at a drive-thru liquor store, but wait…there are 70,000 of them, and a big grass field…so it must be a Budwiser/Tecate Landscaping Peace Conference (by the way…DON’T BUY MILLER CHILL…it’s a Mexican inspired beer recipe that tastes like a Mexican perspired in it). Then I see that the Mexicans aren’t cutting the grass. WTF?!? It’s field-turf! I must be at a football game! Cool! In most dreams I’m usually playing quarterback and scoring (in more ways than one). My last game was legendary:

45 of 45, 587 yards passing…18 carries for 299 yards rushing, 6 Home Runs, 2 Hat Tricks, 11 of 11 from three, and 4 holes violated on every member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Then the Cowboys and the Giants run on the field. I decide not to take the game over, and let them play.

Giants 7, Cowboys 0

The Cowboys come out shit talking, and their QB has a shit-eating grin on his face. The Giants get the ball first and draw first blood on a Eli to Amani 57 yard connection. I’m happy that this dream is starting off well, but then someone takes my clothes off, and I wake up from the embarrassment. I hate when I wake up from a good dream prematurely. I then drink myself back to sleep.

Giants 7, Cowboys 14

I go back to sleep and the dream is turning into a nightmare. Terrell Owens scores a TD, and
Marion (the only Barber that has a penis) Barber is running all over us. I’m getting ready to force myself to wake up before shit gets ugly.

Giants 14, Cowboys 14

Eli decides to continue his “fuck my brother…it’s my time, biatch!” postseason by putting together a beautiful 47 second drive to tie the game. This quiets the Texas Stadium crowd faster than immigration quiets day laborers (a.k.a. Mexicans) while cruising the Home Depot parking lot.

Giants 14, Cowboys 17

The Giants defense is stepping up a bit, and the proper adjustments were made at half time. Tony Romo has the “I’m going to tank this game so I can go home and F Jessica Simpson” face on.

Giants 21, Cowboys 17

Brandon Jacobs scampers for a one yard TD…then he rifles the ball into the play clock in what is the greatest TD celebration of all-time. It was a celebration that took the heart out of the Cowboys. Their fans shutdafuckup. Their players shutdafuckup. I wish Troy Aikman shutdafuck up, but he was about to get his. It was time to put the finishing touches on this classic.

Final: Giants 21, Cowboys 17

The game ended better than I coulda dreamt. Romo was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Patrick Crayton dropped a huge pass. Jerry Jones came from the owner’s box to watch the collapse. And, Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found (actually, in the dream, I already f’d her, Cleveland steamer’d her, and kicked her out of my house). Then there is T.O., in the “Derek Jeter Bitch Made Moment” of the week (Really, T.O.? Who brings those glasses to a football game?I know you had this planned).:

The only thing that T.O. did right was that the only question he answered, in the press conference, was from Azteca TV’s Ines Sainz. Who’s Ines Sainz? She is the hottest sideline reporter on the face of the Earth! What’s more perfect than a hot, Latin sideline reporter? NOTHING! She’s gotta be up for some baseball bat action in between the sheets (she’s Latin and into sports). I’ll leave you with a video montage of Mrs. Sainz-LaredoSlider…

Will the REAL T.O. please stand up? Thank You...

In a story just posted by the AP an hour ago, T.O. is talking shit to Jessica Simpson:

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite -- in this locker room or in Texas Stadium."

"With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away," Owens said, echoing the chatter on sports-talk radio and blogs. "Other than that, she was high on my list until last week. "Oh, I got a message for her when we make the playoffs. Just stay tuned," he added.

Knowing T.O. there are only five things that can come out of this:

1. T.O. punches Tony Romo when he throws 4 int’s in a playoff game.

2. T.O. punches Jessica Simpon when Tony Romo throws 4 int’s in a playoff game.

3. Authorities find T.O.'s list. It's called "White Bitches that May Fuckup My Season". Wade Philips is one, Donovan McNabb is two, Jeff Garcia three, Tony Romo four, and Jessica Simpson five.

4. T.O. decides that if Jessica Simpson hangs around Texas Stadium, she has to "hook up" the whole team.

5. Two words: Rape Kit

So, T.O. is having a great year, and his team is 12-2...why can't he be happy? Because Tony Romo is taking his “shine”. How is T.O. going to get commercials, and shit, when Jessica Simpson is getting more publicity and air time, during the football game? I think the “tear the team apart” T.O. is right around the corner. As a Giants fan, I can’t wait.

Laredo's Kerry Collins Edition Monday QB (yes, I have been drinking) - GFY List

This article is dedicated to Kerry Collins, my fourth favorite QB of all-time (Simms, Hostetler, Eli, KC5). If it weren't for Kerry, I wouldn't have thought it was acceptable to write, drunk, using racial slurs. I've dropped n-bombs, made fun of Asians, exploited Mexicans through stereotypes, etc. The thing is, is that I'm a realist, and some people may not say the things that are on their minds, but guys like Kerry Collins and I do. This GFY list is going to be dedicated to the numerous analysts how have spewed shit out of their mouths this week.

First on the chopping block, A-Rod Haters...

How do you blame A-Rod for doing what he is doing? He has the ability to make more money by opting out of his contract. On Monday, I'm watching Sportcenter, and their headline is "The Greediest Player Ever". WTF?!?! If I could make more money, I would, and so would everybody else. The other thing that is funny is FOX announced that A-Rod was a free agent right before the ninth inning in the World Series clincher. The story really broke before the game and they waited, and made A-Rod look bad (even though, if I'm A-Rod I don't mind that move...I would try to get FOX to C.G.I. my nuts on the screen, as the Red Sox celebrate their championship). People are idiots...who are we to decide what A-Rod does? Big GFY to A-Rod Haters.

(BTW, I came up on this article on ESPN.com, and I'm appalled by the fact that they pay people to write absolute crap. I'm starting a petition.)

Next, Tony Romo...

I will write this directly to Tony...

Tony,

Wipe that shit-eating grin off of your face. I didn't mind you when you were a backup QB. I started to get pissed when you were linked to Jessica Simpson. Now you sign a extension for 31 million, guaranteed. I officially hate you. You're single, and the rich QB of the Cowboys. Hook a brotha, up (me, not T.O.). If you win a Super Bowl, and become part of the Holy Trinity of QB's (Farve, Manning, Brady), I'll be pissed. I'm a little jealous, but if you get stuck up and robbed, you asked for it...GFY!!!!

Now that's off my chest, next is Bill Belichick haters....

This week, the Pats beat the Redskins 52-7. People then complained that it was bad sportsmanship, etc. Then they lamented that Bill Belichick is a cheater. It's amazing...I compare Bill Belichick to a cool George W. Bush. You talk shit about him. Then you realize he has the best weapons, but unlike Bush, he uses them to their full extent, and wins wars. Belichek is pissed, and so is his team. The funny thing is, how do you complain about a team running up the score? There are two simple ways to combat it. Cheap shot the pretty boy QB (it will only cost you 15 yards), or don't let the score get out of control (show some heart). If it was 38-0 and I see the other team trying to pass the ball, the next play is an all-out blitz. I would send all 15 guys (I would have four extra guys blitzing from the sidelines). Then I would make all the beer in the stadium free, and tell the fans where the Pats team bus is. Bottom line is people call the Pats cheaters and creeps, only because idiots on ESPN tell them to. Bill Belichick haters......................................................................GFY!!!!!!!!!!

Next, Snitches!

No, really, snitches. First, Mike Vick's boys snitch his ass out of playing football and millions. Then O.J.'s henchmen are turning on the Juice. WTFWTFWTF?!?!? These people single handedly fucked up Madden '09, and any hope for a new "Naked Gun" movie. What's next?!?!? Snitching on Santa Claus because the North Pole is a sweat shop?!?!? GEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY, SNITCH ASS SNITCHES!!!!

(if O.J. is reading this...there is this guy in Dallas who just got 31 million dollars...we'll call him Rony Tomo...I think that he has memoribilia and white bitches at his house...I'll meet you there).