NBA DRAFT LIVE BLOG!

It's that time of the year...time for my "Basketball Super Bowl", the NBA Draft. A lot of you may be wondering why the Draft is the culmination of my basketball year, and the reason is...I'M A PROUD KNICKS FAN!!!! We are tied for first right now, and tonight will be a huge indication on what the Donnie Walsh/Mike D'Antoni era is all about...

BTW...some of you may be saying, "Laredo, you're black...isn't the NBA All-Star game your Super Bowl?" It isn't because the All-Star weekend is too dangerous, and no players on my team ever go, so I'm not a big "let's go to All-Star weekend and get crunk" kinda guy...oh yeah

There needs to be a reality show that follows Imus to All-Star weekend. I'm pretty sure he is super-not welcome at any All Star weekend event...especially when Adam "Pacman" Jones has a lifetime title of "Master of Cermonies and Making it Rain and Having People Sprayed Up of the NBA All Star Weekend"....

Anyways....drinks? Check... ESPN on? Check... Live Blog Active? Check... Gas Can and Matches with a one way flight to Madison Square Garden? Check... OKAY, KNICKS!!!! LET'S GO!!!!!!

4:30 ET

Stu Scott is already pissing me off...

4:31 ET

David Stern is pissing me off...Bulls on da clock, no doubt Derrick Rose

4:36 ET

Derrick Rose...one the eventual great point guards in the league...He has everything, and the moves that most guards pick up later in their careers (midrange, teardrop, etc.) he has right now. I hate the Bulls, but this was a no brainer and he will be better than Beasley.

4:41 ET

NO!!!! Stephen A. is interviewing these guys after they're picked?!?! Will he automatically rip the guy the Knicks pick, right to his face?

4:43 ET

Beasley numba two to the Heat...Marion and Beasley on the front line will look like something out of Chernobyl...they're both athletic freaks, and Beasley has orange hair...and so does his mom! Good pick...let's see if he's going to be a Heat for much longer...

4:45 ET

Okay...as a Knicks fan, this is the most important part of the draft...T'Wolves and Sonics...two teams that can throw up major bricks, and what do you know? The f'n T'Wolves take Ovington J'Anthony Mayo...a.k.a. the O.J. that went to USC who didn't kill anybody. The Knicks needed the Wolves to pick Brook "Next Chris Mihm" Lopez....I know the Sonics are looking to pull a tank job on the city of Seattle, so Brook "My last name is Lopez, and I look like a white guy, but I still drink Tecate" Lopez could go next....

4:53 ET

Settle on the clock and David Stern says through his shit-eating grin:??????

Russell Westbrook...DGLjarl;f jarlharh jadl; galdgas fuck!!! I wanted him, but that means one of two things: The Knicks have the ability to pick either Bayless or Love (two guys I really like) or Gallinari (who I wan't to stay away from, but I wouldn't be pissed with) and (2) a trade for Memphis' 5 (while keeping the six) is definitly possible because shedding payroll, for the Griz, will be better for this team than picking a young guy who they're unsure of (a lot of guys didn't seem like they wanted to work out for Memphis)...hopefully D. "the game fixer" Stern comes back announcing a trade that the Knicks have the 5 and 6....

5:01 ET

Love to the Grizz...say what you want about the Gasol trade, but they will have Conley, Crittenton, Gay, Love (lol...gay love), and Milicic 1 thru 5, whoever they trade Mike Miller for, plus they will be under the cap around the same time these five start getting good together...good pick, but I'm concerned with the next pick, so let's go Knicks!!!

5:05 ET

I WANT BAYLESS!

5:07 ET

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danilo Gallinari

Gas can...check...matches, check....why didn't we draft Bayless?

5:10 ET
Danilo: "I like to win and play hard" "I like to win and play hard" "I would like to help the team win"

We've had Italian players before, we got Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee playing center, and fucking Al Capone playing power forward......sdagljawr ha;erlhjelhaer lh

I'm taking a half hour off

5:13 ET

Eric Gordon goes 7 to the Clips...a bust to be...with Bayless and Augustin on the board, the Knicks need to see if they can make a deal...WHY?!?!! GALLINARI?!?!

Tell me something I didn't know...GFY Edition

Tell me something I didn't know...

It's a sarcastic cliche that people use all the time...here's another one: Go Fuck Yourself. So today, I bring back an old favorite of mine, the GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) list. The theme will be things I know but am pissed about. Simple enough...

1. The NBA is fixed...

You don't have to look far from last night's NBA Finals game two. I'm not saying Boston didn't deserve to win, but I am saying that the referee's were sooooooooo into the vibe that the home crowd was giving off, they made a ton of calls for the Celtics, and not many for the Lakers. All you have to do is look at the offensive foul they called for Kobe's 2nd foul and look no further. I'm not saying that they were giving calls to the Celtics, but they were calling nothing for the Lakers. I expect the Lakers to get the same calls, in L.A....but in the end it comes down to David Stern...who get's a big GFY.

Update (6:15 P.M. EST) - Tim Donaghy just said that the 2002 Western Conference Semis (Lakers beat the Kings in 7) were fixed by two refs...I remember watching those games and thinking something was up, but something is telling me Donaghy is telling the truth, and the NBA is in deep do-do (shit).

2. Carlos Delgado is a bum

I know that he's almost 36 and regular humans don't get better as they get older, but here are some assumptions about Carlos Delgado that I have to get off my chest (this is after watching him boot a ground ball in yesterday's game in San Diego...yeah, I know he gotta couple of hits, BUT he still a bum). Here are the assumptions (and he's a class act, so it's kinda hard to lower the boom on him, but at LS.com nobody is exempt):

1. I'm under the impression that Carlos was on something...

YES, I am accusing Delgado of juicing. He's smaller than he was when he first came to the Mets, his production has gone down the shitter, and he swings and misses too much. He gets beat with fastballs in places where he didn't before. He wants to get to 500 HR's and is 61 away...Bring the girl ya brought to the dance...the little green homerun hitters (that's a foreshadow for number 3)

2. His passiveness is the reason the Mets are passive.

So we got this big, black guy playing first base...and he's a pussy (well, let's just say I think he's too laid back, but someone can be "laid back" and still have the fire to hustle every play, AND FIELD GROUND BALLS). I do think he is a good human being, but on the baseball field, he's the guy who bridges the gap between the English speaking vets, and the Latin speaking vets. He needs to be on the back page of the paper more often calling people "Gringos" and "Maricons". He needs to show some fire, and he might get angry and start playing better. A good Delgado, plus a healthy Alou, is what makes the lineup go. The Mets have to be the team that NO team is scarred of charging the mound against. There is no edge. If Delgado said more, then the whole team would have more of a bravado, and the Mets would win the NL East.

3. Carlos Delgado isn't the same person as of two years ago...He's really Pedro Cerrano...

Remember in Major League when Pedro Cerrano needed to sacrifice a live chicken to ensure he was going to have a good game? (for those of you too young to remember, it's a must watch...for those of you to young to remember that are female...310-903-3796). Then they got a bucket of KFC instead, and Pedro hit a game tying home run, and the Indians won the AL East. Well Carlos Delgado came to the Mets, hits some home runs, the Mets won the NL East...but it isn't a coincidence. A great sequel was expected in both. Didn't happen. Remember the crapshed movie that was Major League 2? Remember the crapshed season that was 2007 for the Mets? Both had Carlos Cerrano's fingerprints all over them. Remember Major League 3? Ya know about the '08 Mets... So I'm pretty confident that they ARE the same person. When you look at their pictures...it's no wonder they have never been seen in the same place.




See, same guy...So here is a big GFY to Carlos Delgado...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! (translation: I know a good HGH guy..310-903-3796)

Stay tuned for a David Wright/Roger Dorn article in 10 years....

3. The Chicago Bears need a QB

This might be the only "Tell me something I didn't know..." that's super obvious, BUT... here's the issue. Cedric Benson, Chicago's star, bust running back got nailed for driving under the influence TWICE, in Texas, in the last month (once in a boat, once in a car with some big ass rims). Then the Bears released him yesterday(okay...I started off saying the Bears needed a QB...but I don't wanna talk about it...I wanted to take a stance on how certain NFL players get a long leash, and some don't...but I woulda cut this bitchassni**a last year... there is no real purpose for "The Chicago Bears need a QB"...I just think it's time for a run-on sentence in CAPS, even though white people say 'you speak so well', because FUCKDAPOLICE). YA'LL THINK BECAUSE A BROTHA IS DRIVING A BOAT, AND HE'S GOT COGNAG ON BOARD, HE'S DRUNK? LIKE WE PLAN ON CRASHIN DAT SHIT AND SWIMMIN TO SHORE WE PLAN ON DRINKIN YAK BIG PIMPIN, SON WE AIN'T GETTIN OUR GATORS WET OR TAKING SWIMMIN' LESSONS AND SO WHAT I GOT A FRESH LINE UP, FRESH OUTFIT, BOUT TO HAVE THE PARKING LOT ON SMASH YOU AIN'T GOTTA PULL A BROTHER OVER BECAUSE HE GOT A CHEVY WITH A 454 IN THE HOOD, 125 ON DA DASH!!!

(back to 'you speak so well' mode):

Here's a hearty GFY to all Po'lice who got gotta hate on a brotha because he's flossin'...GFY, puercos...

So, GFY's to David Stern and da' Police (who have to have the most GFY's ever), and a GFY to Carlos Pedro Cerrano Delgado....

Peace, and see ya'll, tomorrow?

Summer Snatch - Finals Edition

It seems like every time I take a hiatus from writing my article, I reinvent a part of myself, so I can come back with fresh ideas. But, I'm a guy, so the only thing I have my mind on is sex, sports, food, cars, and drinking...so my ideas are as fresh as Audrey Bitoni's pee flapper after a hard day's work (Ms. Bitoni is the girl above, and if ya thought I matured during my hiatus, then you'll also believe that she is a virgin...in all holes). The sports seasons are changing, though. The NBA Finals just kicked off (the draft is coming up), baseball is in full swing, and hockey just ended. Throw in the French Open and Big Brown's eventual Triple Crown victory and you have a smörgåsbord of phenomenal sporting events. You know what's going on already...but you want predictions. And I got 'em...

Lemme start with the NBA...

We're one game into the Finals, and we're in for a classic. This is what the NBA needed, and I think the Lakers are going to pull it off. But here are the most important storylines to pay attention to:

1. Will Stuart Scott stop threatening viewers, and will his eye finally roll out of his head on live TV?

Stuart Scott is dangerously approaching Chris Berman level...fuck dat...he's at Dane Cook's level. Like Dane Cook, he's not funny, he's long winded, and he's probably been closer to Jessica Alba than I have, which is a travesty. The f'd up thing is before every commercial break he's like, "Don't turn the channel or we'll come to your house and pull the cable out." Word?!?! Please, Stuart, come to my house and try! You probably couldn't see the number on my house with your gooogly eye. Why did they get rid of Dan Patrick? Where is he? FIND HIM AND GET HIM IN THERE!! While we're on the subject of the TV coverage

2. Do all the commentators have to be former Knicks?

Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, Mike Breen, Marv Albert...the list goes on and on. It's not like they are bad commentators, but it just opens the door for a Stephon Marbury/Isaiah Thomas broacasting team in a couple years. I can see it now

Steph: That was a great play by Chris Paul.

Isaiah: It was similar to something I would do back in the day.

S: I know what else you would do back in the day...that 16 year old girl sitting in row 3.

Isaiah: That's it! Your suspneded...until the next commercial break.

S: Let's throw it back to Stuart Scott who's on location at Laredo's house, trying to pull out the cable. Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Hi...I'm at LaredoSlider's house where I just had my good eye stabbed out....

Laredo Slider: BoooYah, muthafucka!!

3. Kobe is a better teammate, and he's got AIDS.

All the commentators are saying, "Kobe's a better teammate", and, "He's one of the guys now". Not true at all...here's the translation: He's not banging out broads in every city he goes to now. That's it. Why is he hanging out with the guys? Because he probably got some disease that doesn't allow him to fuck (wheather they like it or not) girls without getting sued. The only whole in this theory is that if Kobe had AIDS, it would be cured tomorrow.

Anyways...Lakers in 7...I'll talk draft tomorrow...next my baseball prediction

The Cubs and White Sox will play in the World Series, and there will be a bench clearing brawl.

It will be Ozzie Guillen, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Zambrano vs. everybody in the stands and on the field. It'll be great. Pitbulls and chickens will come outta nowhere.

In tennis, Ana Ivanovic will win the French Open, and give me a exclusive interview afterwards.

The interview will be viewable on eskimotube.com...Search for keywords: foreign objects, tennis rackets, trophy, anal, shooting tennis balls, and facial.

Okay...last prediction

Big Brown will win the Triple Crown, only to have it taken away after it is found out that it's just Barry Bonds in a horse costume.

It's obvious the horse is on steroids, and it's named Big Brown. By the way, it's great that the horse is named Big Brown. If Big Brown wins, EVERY BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD HAS TO GO TO A BAR TONIGHT AND USE A PICKUP LINE WITH BIG BROWN IN IT. This is a godsend! I've been practing:

"Did you see the race today? Big Brown won...by 13 inches"

or

"I heard that Big Brown needs a new jockey, and is only auditioning white girls"

or

"Hey, baby...lets go back to my stable, so I can introduce you to Big Brown...but, I must warn you...he spits"

or

"Whoops...wrong hole...but, if you leave a Big Brown spot on my sheets...that's yo ass."

or

"I help you pay for the euthanization of any Little Brown's"

Sorry...abortion isn't a joke. Lemme change the last one.

"If you say that kid is mine...I'll run like Big Brown."

There ya go...now you have a guide to sports for the Summer. I didn't want to make a long article, so I'll give ya another one tomorrow. Some Obama/Clinton things, NBA draft, and a recap of how my pickup lines go...I'm out like Big Brown before he spits in some girls eye....