Christmas Wish List

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...

Omar's Pitch To Johan

Johan Santana went tonight against the Mets at Shea, and the Mets might have tampered with him...They let him pitch a complete game shutout without a fight, and let him run around the bases, like it was the Dynamets Dash (when the Mets used to let kids run around the bases after a Sunday game)...Santana will be a free agent after the '08 season, and the Mets will be one of his suitors (he will probably get one of the richest pitching contracts in history)...for those who don't know, Santana is second all-time in winning percentage for pitchers...The good thing, as a Mets fan, is that we are one of 6 teams that can offer the richest pitching contracts in history, and the Twins can't...So if I'm Mr. Santana, what am I looking for, when I become a free agent, outside of the big money...I would be looking for a team that has a Latin influence, which the Mets have...I would be looking for run support, which the Twins don't have...I would be looking for a big ballpark and centerfielder that gives me the same feel of the security that Torii Hunter gives me (Hunter may be gone before the deadline this year, and is a free agent after the season), Beltran is a gold-glove centerfielder, and I want to live in one of the great cities in the world...the Metrodome is a bandbox, so I would like to play in a spacious new stadium (Citi Field and New Yankee Stadium will be opening in the '09 season)...well, I would like to play in the National League, because no DH will allow my really low e.r.a. get even lower, and I get to hit (I happen to be a really good hitter)...so that leaves the Mets as my best availible destination...This is one big reason why Pedro needs to show he has 3, or more, years left...Santana wants legitimacy as he gets ready to make his Hall of Fame run, and having HOF pitchers, and a strong Pedro will be one of the best reasons for Johan to come to NY...I am now naming Laredo Slider as the Home of the Johan Santana to the Mets Campaign...now its up to Fred Wilpon to ante up and make it a reality