Hooker-Off Update

Ivanovic wins...Sharapova wins...finals tomorrow..

People know I'm half-Jamaican, but what people don't know is that I'm three quarters Hatian. I come from a long line of Voodoo practicing, witch doctors. After writing yesterday's article, I said to myself, "I wonder if I can use Voodoo to F one of these girls?" So I called my witch doctor aunt. I asked her if it was possible to "F" somebody from 8,000 miles away. She said yes...find out what nationality they are, make a food dish from their country, and stick your dick in it. So now I had to figure out which one of these broads I wanted to "F", and I wanted to do it while they were playing on T.V. They are all Eastern Bloc, and the only dish I could make from their countries was a shot of vodka. I called my aunt and asked her if that meant I could F them all at the same time. She said maybe, but I might accidentally "F" Vladimir Radmonivic, so I had to pass. Then I remembered Jelena Jankovic had those chinky eyes! I ran to the cupboard, poured vodka, soy sauce, duck sauce, nail polish, and a roll of film all into a wok, and stuck my dick in it... It worked, and I have the proof:

First of all, my dick was burning, so I wondered if I channeled some other Asian-hooker type, but then, in the middle of the first set Jankovic started showing signs of getting F'd:

I wanted to take it easy on her, but I couldn't help myself. She was obviously puzzled wondering how somebody could do this, so then she called in a trainer:

The trainer didn't understand what Jankovic was talking about, but I knew. She pleaded with the side judge saying, "A dick this big is fucking me. How do you expect me to play tennis?"

Nobody understood her because of her heavy accent, and because I figured out how to channel her mouth. I also channeled her ass, and after I was done there, she lost control of her ability to "stop from going number 2". She had to take a timeout in the locker room:

So, I've done everything I wanted to do...now it's time for the grand finale. No eye will be spared...POW, right in the kisser...

I guess I should stay a talk a little after such an intimate encounter, but it would look silly for me to talk into a wok. Anyways, that's what trainers are for:

Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08

There are a lot of "dead" sports in the world. Sports nobody cares about because the quality isn't what it used to be. Sports, like boxing and tennis, that don't have the larger-than-life personalities. Sports that are shown on pay-per-view and aren't worth Americas hard earned bucks. And my biggest pet peeve, late starting and late ending events. Seriously, if an event ends at 2 in the morning, why would I want to watch it? The only event I want to watch is some Skinimax action, or some old-fashioned Internet porn, then I want to go to sleep with my hands in my pants. If sports are going to be on so late, maybe they should combine the allure of Skinimax with the skill of women's athletics. That is my idea, but I think the Women's Tennis Association stole it from me.

Late last night (around 12), I was flipping through channels and somehow stopped at the Australian Open, where Venus Williams was playing Ana Ivanovic. I probably stopped because the Williams sisters are historic athletes, and I wanted to see what was going on (I just lied, sorry). Truth is, I ALWAYS stop when I'm flipping through the channels, and spot women's tennis. I'm a product of the Kournikova Era, so that's the way it is. What happened was that Ivanovic beat Venus, and advanced to the semi's of the Australian Open. She also gave me a semi. She's actually pretty hot. So I'm thinking she might be one of the few hot tennis players. Then, ESPN showed the other three semi-finalist contestants (which caused gave me a semi times three, plus the first semi, which means I pitched a tent that looked like the Superdome). Maria Sharapova was one of the semi-causing finalists, unknowns Daniela Hantuchova and Jelena Jankovic were the others. I noticed they are all from the Eastern Bloc area, and when I Google'd all these ho's, they all have provocative pictures. Let's break down the semi-finals...in the Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08:

Maria Sharapova


VS.

Jelena Jankovic



Analysis: If I had to pick one to marry, it would be Sharapova. If I had to pick one to "F", it would be Jankovic. She seems sluttier, and Sharapova knows too much English. Judging by Jankovic's slanty-eyes, she might have some Asian in her. So her versatility in role playing goes all the way to Asian hooker. Jankovic also seems like the type of girl who will allow you to stick tennis balls where the sun don't shine. She also might get turned on by tennis rackets to the back of the head...Sharapova not so much.

Advantage: Jankovic

next match:

Daniela Hantuchova


vs.

Ana Ivanovic



This is a great battle, but just like the last one, Hantuchova is a little too white bread for me. She's hot, but Ivanovic is hotter. First of all, she isn't skinny like Hantuchova. Second of all, she is not as pale. Third of all, I found this picture of Ana lying in bed, just waiting for me to "f' her.


Notice the tennis racket on the right side. Any girl that brings a tennis racket to bed can cause me to throw my XBOX 36o out the window...she screaming for me to turn that handle brown. I hope everybody watches the semifinals (even thought they will be in the middle of the night). If you see Ana Ivanovic walking funny, with a tennis racket with a brown handle, just remember Laredo Wuz There.

Advantage: Ivnaovic

Laredo Slizzie: The "it" athlete of 2007

I don’t know what happened to SportCenter. It seems that they have gone completely away from the true highlights that make sports special, in lieu of stupid fake contests that they make up. Or, they blow things out of proportion regarding relationships between different athletes and celebrities (like, did Tony Romo have a bad game, last weekend, because Jessica Simpson was in attendance? One, I don’t care. Two, I hope Romo gets his legs broken). Then there is this other shit that ESPN loves to do: Who’s Next? Who is the next “it” athlete? WHODAFUCKCARES!?!?! I can make it easy, and I’ll tell ya who Laredo Slider’s “it” athlete of the year is. So here is the second Slizzie presentation of the year. Laredo Slider’s “IT” Slizzie of ’07!

When I am looking for the “it” athlete, the parameters are totally different than what ESPN is looking for. Off the field performance counts as much as on the field performance. Here are the nominees:

Roger Clemens: Has successfully taken the attention of off Barry Bonds by getting named in the Mitchell Report.

“IT” Factor: Is on “it”, but won’t admit “it”. Pros: Had a funny cell phone commercial. Stole money from the Yankees. Cons: Bombed my fantasy team.

Adam “Pacman” Jones: A contender in all Slizzie categories. A constant entertainer, who never disappoints the American public. He gets suspended from the NFL (which was entertaining), then starts wrestling with TNA wrestling (which is entertaining).

“IT” Factor: Makes”It” Rain Pros: Known to cause twenty dollar bills to come from the ceiling (for visual effect), at the strip club. Cons: Causes people to get shot. “It” could be you!

Stephon Marbury: A prodigal son of Laredo Slider. I wear his gear, and I am a huge Knicks fan.

“IT” Factor: Went to a strip club with a Knicks intern. Took her out to his SUV, and hit “it”. Also, gave many fucked up interviews, making people wonder if he’s on drugs. Pros: Fifteen dollar sneakers. Cons: Fifteen dollar point guard play.

Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova: Gulbis is kinda hot, Sharapova is hot (but 6’1”, which is a good thing…for me…cuz my dick is like 8’11”), and Kournikova could possibly be the hottest there is (now that Alba is pregnant…what a bitch…what’s more important, Jessica? Being a mother, or being a hot piece of ass?) . The important thing is that these three ladies play (or used to play) a sport. What sports? I don’t know.

“IT” Factor: Googleable pics that are real. Googleable pics that just have their heads photoshopped onto naked bodies. Either way, I win. Pros: They’re all foreign…don’t understand terms like “Dirty Sanchez” or “Cleveland Steamer”, until it happens to them. Cons: None.

Tennis star Anna Kournikova posing for a magazine on top. Shot of her seeing how wet she is after reading this column, bottom.


Golfer Natalie Gulbis...right before I take my driver out, drive my balls through the rough, and put "it" in the hole

Tennis star Maria Sharapova posing for S.I. on the bottom...on the top, doing a stretch that makes me wish I had photoshop. What stretch is that, anyways? I've seen girls leave my apartment doing that stretch, but it never helps their limp.

And the Winner is: Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova

Nobody should be surprised. The last time I nominated three broads for one award, they won. I hope females recognize Laredo Slider is a female friendly site, where I respect the strides made by women in the world (and I give awards for it). I understand that it takes at least three women to defeat men in anything (other than math, sports, driving, voting, science, and being president, where men own. And, women, don’t say, “Hey, you’re black and haven’t always been able to vote.” That’s a bad argument. I vote every year. Bron, Kobe, T-Mac, K.G., and B. Deeeezie, bitch!! Every year my vote gets them to the all-star game.) Okay, so this website isn’t exactly “female friendly”, but if you ladies decide stop working so hard and start showing some skin, and work out, and unlearn English, you can win a Slizzie.

"It" Athlete of 2007