Sunday Laredo 10/19/08

Time to open the Sunday Laredo Times! I had all the sections last week, but didn't have the crossword or comics. This week I'll have the crossword and comics, but none of the other sections, except sports. Enjoy!

Crossword








Sorry for the layout, but this was the best crossword I could find...


Comics


'Obama and Biden'



Sorry, kind of hard to read. The three Biden lookalikes are the guy from America's Scariest Police Chases, Jim Carrey's Mask character, and Bob Barker. This is kind of a response to Gov. Palin's appearance on Saturday Night Live, last night. She was wearing these hooker boots that looked kinda hot, but this will be the height of her fame.


Time for picks:


Tennessee (-9) at Kansas City

Kansas City will be able to hang in this game because Tennessee's offense isn't dynamic (24th overall in the NFL). They will not pull away in this game...Kansas City to cover.


B'More (+3) at Miami

Miami is playing with confidence, and they're angry (and they have a quarterback). The Ravens are a little nicked up on D, the O-line is also struggling, and Joe Flacco might have hit the wall in week 6. M.I.A. to cover.


Dallas (-7) at St. Louis

Dallas hasn't been playing well, and cohesion is a major problem. No cohesion = turnovers = not covering. I like St. Louis last week, and now Marc Bulger has another toy to play with, in rookie wideout Donnie Avery...who happened to be the first reciever taken in the draft. I think confidence and momentum will allow this game to be close, but the 'Boys should win...Rams cover.


San Francisco (+10.5) at NY Giants

I thought I wasn't going to pick this game, but I am confident that the Giants will rebound like the champions they are. We're going to run, run, run. Steve Spagnuolo is going to dial up some pressure, because the Giants aren't getting ANY takeaways, and that shit's gotta stop. Eli will spread the ball around, instead of trying to force the ball to Plax. Giants 38 Niners -2. No, I haven't learned my lesson.
LET'S GET THOSE NINERS!!!!!!!!!!!

New Beginning

Every article I have written, EVER, has been a product of my alter ego, no matter what mind state I'm in. I have written some unconventional things when I was in grammar school, and not just because I was doing my homework on the bus, and that shit was due in 20 minutes. Now, I have this site where I can say what I want and I write more unconventional stuff. I usually post in the mornings when I have something constructive to say. I post in the afternoons after watching some sporting event that usually involves my team shitting the bed, in a big situation. Then I write late night when I'm faded, and I just watched a movie with one of my favorite starlets (like Transformers, with Megan Fox). I then write how much I would like to diddle her, and then use very graphic words describing all 13 inches of my dilzzzznick, usually implying impregnating one of these girls is my prerogative. Then I was thinking to myself that these days are all about softening what is actually happening in the real world, and I need to find some real ho's to come over here and...I mean take a stance on certain issues, and provide a forum for some of my loyal readers (who have been reading the same article for the last two months).

So the site is going through a overhaul. We'll still talk sports, but now is the time to talk about finances (21.99 Hennessey at Savon, HOLLA!!!), who is going to lead our country for the next four years, what is good as far as movies and entertainment are concerned (I will get guest reviewers who will tell me what they thought of a movie, cd, or something), and general pop culture will be included, as well. Audrey Bitoni has been taken off the top of the page, because I'm into classier girls, and through these times I have figured out that women are the strongest gender because I invited this broad over the other night...she was a 5'1” Asian girl, about 90 pounds, and I asked her if she wanted a $5 foot long, and she said yes...she thought I was using the Metric system, or some shit, because she thought a foot was shorter...but she took it anyways...the strength of her tonsils surprised me. Sorry...run on sentence. I will also put some links in the links tab (duh!). Oh...there will be polls, and not of the $5 foot long variety, either! Polls are trendy, and I think the site should have once every once in a while. College football picks tomorrow, and some other stuff. Enjoy!

p.s. - I probably will not get up in time for the Red River Rivalry, but I like OU (-6.5).

Half-Breed Monday

Today, I choose to focus on two, of the three, most famous half breeds that the world has to offer: Halle Berry and Barack Obama (Tiger "El Nigre" Woods being the third). All are great ambassadors to the African-American race (check that... Obama and Woods are, Berry isn't). All are at the top of their professions, BUT it's time for Berry and Obama to do a little self check on their black sides. Lemme explain...

Halle Berry has pictures taken of her, and her newborn in her backyard and she is suing the paparazzi for invasion of privacy.

One, the paparazzi are wasting their time with these pictures. I don't want to see Halle Berry holding kids (in her arms, but in her mouth, I can do that...sorry...had to be done). That's not sexy. There are brothas locked up who can only jerk off to magazines, and this is the crap they put in there? Ridiculous. Secondly, this is exactly what happens when your white side takes over. Six months of litigation and a settlement. But this isn't going to appease Halle Berry's black side (which she has been ignoring for the last 7 years). What she needs to do is get 5 pitbulls (which should be a prerequisite for any black person who makes more than $45,000 a year), a strap (gun), and a dude around the house who knows how to take care of business. I'm not saying get back together with David "Rough" Justice, because he is a wife beater, but stop hanging with these breezy, male model types. I would feel comfortable with Eric Benet or Gabriel Aubry being around the house, if I were trespassing. Now, if Ms. Berry went out with T.I. or 50, I would keep my distance.

Now...for Sen. Obama, who just got back from an important trip overseas, where pundits will dissect whether or not he has what it takes to deal with the rest of the world, if he were to be president.

Mr. Obama...I know you are confident about everything you say or do, and sometimes people think you're arrogant, etc. But, people are going to second guess you if you're talking to proper to foriegn leaders. They'll be like, "I don't know about Obama, he speaks too well as a Negro to get things done overseas. They might think he's talking down to them." Fuck that. Let your Black side take over. When they ask about Afganistan, remember what it was like to walk into that little Afghani deli on the corner for blunts and a fifth of Hen:

Reporter: What do you think about the direction of Afganistan?
Black Obama: I think dey betta stop following me around (the store) before I put my foot up dey ass! Dey shit's stale anyways, and that nigga Akmed be spitting when he talks...

When they ask about Cuba, and the inevitable leadership change there...remember what it was like going to the club, and getting into it with some Cubans:

Reporter: Are you pleased with what's going on in Cuba?
Obama: I don't say shit! You gotta be careful wit dem niggas...they like to play baseball, so you know dey got some bats in the trunk...

Another good trick would be to pretend that you don't know the difference between Cuba and Puerto Rico. The key is making the rest of the world think you are crazier then they are (a popular Black fighting technique, when we don't really wanna fight).

So, Ms. Berry and Sen. Obama, keep up what you do, but do it with soul, with conviction, and with a fifth of Henny pumping through your veins, and people won't fuck wit ya.