Larry Johnson's here? Let's find somewhere else to go...

I know that nothing good happens after midnight, but I have lived most of my life after midnight, so when bad shit happens to people after midnight, I understand. Earlier this week, it was reported that Larry Johnson (the running back of the Chiefs, not to be confused with NBA great Larry Johnson) assaulted some girl in a club, and also threatened to kill her boyfriend. This happens to be Larry Johnson's (the club going, philandering, running back of the Chiefs...not to be confused with the club going, philandering, power forward of the Knicks and Hornets) fourth time in the last five years of getting an assault charge. The Chiefs are suspending him, and they should. What shouldn't happen is dumb chickenheads in the club, running their mouth to ANYBODY named Larry Johnson. News flash...women, if there is a pro athlete named Larry Johnson at the club, unless you're going home with them that night, don't say shit to them. You will either end up with (A) a drink spit in your face, (B) kids you don't want, or (C) a black eye. And don't bring your boyfriend to the club when Larry Johnson is there because you'll put him in a situation that he doesn't want to be in.

But that's not it...

Last time I checked assault and battery were charges brought against people who make credible threats, and/or put their hands on another person. After midnight I think spitting a drink in somebodies face is (A) classless and (B) better than punching them/stabbing them. Larry Johnson should be commended for restraining his arms and fists, and not ingesting more alcohol, which would just make him drunker. Also...If some dude says something to you, that's malicious after midnight, you have to say something back along the lines of "I'm gonna kill you". People who are in altercations, and are drunk, only understand a few phrases after midnight.

1. "I think a cop is behind me" or "the cops are here"
2. "Let's get some food"
3. "I'm going to kill you"

That's it...these three phrases have been known to break up parties...and if you don't believe me, go to Church's Chicken at 2 a.m. on the weekend, and you will hear all three phrases said right away. By 2:30, everybody will be gone...go to Waffle House and repeat, it doesn't fail. Finally, next time you go to the club, and you're on the guestlist, give the guy your name, but also figure out if anybody named Larry J. is on that list, before going in.

Re: Fukudome T-Shirt Ideas

This is an inter-office reply from Laredo Slider, to The Double B...

I like the t-shirt ideas, but I think two stand out. Fuk-U Do Me and having the random Japanese characters with translation Fuk-U. But instead of having random characters, maybe they should really mean "Fuck You". This is a good start, but I think that the t-shirt line should be expanded to other athletes. We could have a apparel empire, and be the next Steve and Barry's. Check these out:

We should capitalize on Eddy Curry's celebrity, and make some "Kentucky Fried Curry" shirts. A good gift for the fat s.o.b., buffet-killing, Crisco sweating, no defense playing person in your life. Notice the spots on the shirt of hot sauce and sweat. We can sell these as actual game worn jerseys (like anybody would ever know):



We can have women's apparel, as well. How about "Ben Wallace Panties"? Your girl is going out to the club, and you know she's a slut, right? Just hook her up with these panties and most dudes will run for the hills (except me, cuz I'm a nasty mofo):


Oooooohhhh....I thought of a great Fukudome product: "Fukudome Asian Driving Glasses"!!! Now everybody can drive like their favorite Asian right fielder (and every other Asian)! In matter of fact, the tagline will be: "Now errrybarrry can dry rike der frayrit Asian ry frirrrer!" These will be a gold mine!!!:

Fill in the blanks: Laredo's L___ Pipe _ock

Today is a huge, Laredo sports day. There are bowl games in college football (two super-underrated games: one (1) UConn vs. Wake; two great schools with good programs, and two, Penn State vs. Texas A&M a.k.a. Shit talk University in the Casket Bowl). There is college basketball today (ESPN2 has been hooking it up early this year. Last week, there were 3 really good games on tha deuce. This week may be the same with Arizona vs. Memphis tonight. There will be 6-10 pros on the floor in that game. The Tennessee /Gonzaga game is a good one, too). The Knicks have a guaranteed no loss night, as they aren’t playing. UFC pops off with Chuck Liddell vs. Wanderlei Silva and Matt Hughes vs. Georges St. Pierre (I got Silva and St. Pierre to win). Then the Giants have a monster game tonight against the New England Patriots. Lotta stuff going on, and I should be motivated to write an article. I’m also hungover and blunted, so I don’t feel like writing right now. I'm going to make this one short and sweet (not long and salty, like your sister, mom, girlfriend, or wife likes it). You could call this my “lead-pipe lock” this week:

Giants win 31-28…Eli plays well in the balmy New Jersey weather. The defense will blitz early and often, and get big plays early with interceptions (31 points mean the Giants D will have to get at least 14 points off of turnovers). Look for the Giants to get 5 or 6 sacks against a depleted offensive line. The Giants have what I like to call the “Zach Randolph Defense”. Six or more sacks equal a win. Sacks of herb, sacks of burgers, sacks of QBs, or a sack of Crown Royal riding shotgun mean the night is going well. Look for Steve Smith to have a big game for the Giants. Kawika Mitchell might cement himself as a front runner for the Giants defensive M.V.P. with a big game, too. Eli will go to his third and fourth options without making a mistake, but ends up 16-29, 211, 2 TD, 1 int, and 4 whatthefuckwasthat fumbles (I should have a “Eli Fumble the Snap” pool. I guess that it first happens around 6:24 in the second quarter). LET’S GO GIANTS!!!

Christmas Wish List

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...

The 1st Annual Slizzies

It's nearing the end of the year, and I am handing out awards to the people, things, animals, women, etc. that have made 2007 a special year. I don't want to put it in one article because I know people who read this website have the attention span of me during high school girls volleyball practice, and I can't make the article too long (just kidding, I really mean womens' college volleyball...they don't let me in school zones anymore). Basically I'm going to run down different categories until the final category, which will be "Laredo Slider's Person of the Year".

What is a Slizzie ? It can be two things. It's the trophy I hand out to people who win each category, or it's a slang term for stuff dripping down a girls' back, chest, face, etc. after "making love". Either way, people should be honored to get it (or gettin' it on her). This is an important award, and like the Oscars, Grammy's, etc., I need to create a trophy that is legendary. So, I decided to take the things I liked and put it into one trophy. Hennessey, weed, blunts (Dutchmasters), chicken and hot sauce (Red Rooster), automatic weapons (AR-15), white ho's (Jessica Alba), and a sick crossover. That's all I need in life, and when I hand out the trophy, I want the recipients to feel that this is the only trophy they need in life (even though nobody has a nastier crossover than me). Here it is:

On to the first catagory:

Most Gangsta Operation of the Year

Nominees:

Madison Square Garden - Sexually harassing employees (and nobody gets fired), banging interns

Bad Newz Kennels/Michael Vick - Dogfighting

Pacman Jones - "Making it Rain" in the strip club, triple shooting ensues, Pacman gets 100 hours communtiy service

O.J. Simpson - Stealing back shit that he sold to somebody years back.

Barry Bonds - Breaks Home Run record, on steroids

Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears - Drugs, Alcohol, going the wrong way down highways, getting kids taken away, AND STILL STACKIN' PAPER!!!!

Winner:
Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears
Pacman, Barry, and O.J. were close in the voting, but the they got zeros in the "white ho's that I would fuck" catagory (and I'm sure they would understand). Madison Square Garden had to pay 11 million dollars to some ugly bitch (who NONE of them got pregnant), and the Knicks still suck. Mike Vick is going to spend the next couple of years beating off to National Geographic, in jail (he also lost about 145 million). Bonds was close because people would rather go to jail, than snitch on him, and he hasn't lost money due to his transgressions. Pacman didn't get to play football this year, even though he did "make it rain" in the club. He is real close because "making it rain" is one of the values that I want in Slizzie recipients. And O.J. is going to jail, but he did use overwelming force in stealing his shit back, which is another value that I want in Slizzie recipients. What it comes down to is the four Hollywood broads are sooooooo much more gangsta than any of them. The only people who are getting turned off by these broads are other broads! Broads like other broads like Nicole Kidman, "because she's so classy, and she's a great actress, blah, blah, blah". FUCK DAT!!! I don't like pale bitches who are classy. I like young white ho's, who like to party, and fuck, and drive fast cars, drunk at night down the wrong way of the I-5!!!!! AND THEY STILL STACK CHEDDA!!! The reason that they still get attention is because dudes like them! The only one that is remotely hot is Lohan, but whodatfuck cares?!?! I would marry Brittney Spears right now, and take care of her kids...check that...I would marry Brittney Spears right now and let the kids run around the house sticking their fingers in outlets...while I smoke weed on the couch playing XBOX 360, and spend dat bitches money!!! So, ho's, this Slizzie is for you!

Most Gangsta Operation '07

NY Knicks Preeeeeeeeeview

Today is my preview of the Knicks. I will have predictions, updates, and random shit that goes through my head, as we enter the 2007-08 year.

I want to say that I am a huge Knicks fan and it's good to be a Knicks fan these days. We're entertaining and intriguing. Most Knicks fans are from the northeast. We ain't like Lakers fans, who can be from anywhere. We ain't like Bulls fans, who are just riding the dick of Michael Jordan. We are fans of a team hated everywhere, because of the name of the city written across their chest (just like the Giants and Rangers). We play in the best, most famous basketball arena in the world, and our coach has no problem calling your wife, mom, etc. a bitch. Pundits are picking the Knicks to finish out of the playoffs, just because they are haters. It's the Knicks against the World this year, and I'm going to savor every moment as the Knicks prove the haters wrong!

I don't like to breakdown the lineups, and bench, like Sports Illustrated does it. I like to break teams down, in basketball, by their components. Let's get crackin'

Backcourt: (Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford, Nate Robinson, Fred Jones, Mardy Collins)

The backcourt has talent, but it isn't the cohesive type of talent that some other backcourts have (ex. Billups, Hamilton). The reason is because all of these guys are isolation experts. Nate Robinson looks like an And 1 mixtape. So does J.C. If Marbury is out at the club, he will isolate bitches into his SUV. Not a bad unit, but all these guys have had the label of "needing to grow up". Steph and J.C. start, but look for Fred Jones to start if J.C. can't find his offense (J.C. can be the microwave option).

Three's (Quentin Richardson, Jared Jeffries, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler)

This is a good rebounding group. The only problem is the Q is always injured. If Q is injured, then the other three get their weaknesses exposed with extended minutes (even though Chandler is going to make the other three expendble within the next two years). Q stay healthy, and lay off the ribs and cookies.

Post and Baseline D (Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, David Lee, Randolph Morris, Jerome James)

In the offensive post, there is no other team with better options in the league. Curry and Z-Bo are going to create a bunch of mismatch issues. On D, they are going to have issues. Their biggest issue will be getting back on defense. David Lee is going to have another big year, off the bench (if he sticks around...I smell Ron Artest). Oh yeah, if I see Jerome James in a game, at all, I will drive to New York and set a Jerome James Trap. What's a Jerome James Trap? I'll put a plate of food and a MGD on a table, wait for him to skip practice to consume these items, then I'll wait for him to take his nap, and then cut his legs off. He doesn't need 'em, and doesn't use 'em.

Half court Offense

The Knicks should excel in the half court, and last time I checked the best half court teams win championships. Defense is the issue.

Rebounding

The Knicks will outrebound everybody, period. Curry may not be a great rebounder, but Randolph is good, and Lee and Q-Rich are exceptional at boarding. I just named two guys who had 10 plus a game last year. Not worried about rebounding.

Taking care of the rock

The Knicks will out-turnover everybody period. Z-Bo is a black hole, and any pass from him may be in the first row. Same for Curry. Marbury, Crawford, and Nate may have fancy handles, but they don't make the best decisions. If they want to finish games, they will need to improve here.

Overall Prediction: 45-37

They will suprise people and get a 5 through 7 seed. They will then go to the playoffs where they will push somebody to the limit in the first round. I will weigh in with some opening night stuff later.

Now a little trivia:

What did the Knicks offer the Lakers for Kobe Bryant?

A: a left, and a right...niggawhuuut!?!?!?! GO NY, GO NY GO!!!!!!!