More Predictions...

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everybody! I hope everybody is remembering the man, his message, and are celebrating the one race that matters…the human race. Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about another race. A race to the NFC crown, which is OVER!!! As everybody knows, the Giants won the NFC last night in one of the most thrilling, legendary games. The Giants are on a legendary playoff run. If they win it all it will rank with the ’69 Mets and ’94 Rangers as one of the most cherished championships any team has won in city history. Those two teams actually were given a chance; this Giants team was NOT given a chance.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (I did that earlier while watching The Best of Nautica Thorn: Asian Sensation), but I did proclaim in my October 25^th article that the Giants had a serious shot to bring home the NFC title. I also have to go back to my December 24^th article when I proclaimed that the Giants can get to the championship, and I was going to bang Danielle Fishel’s (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”) fat ass at a Super Bowl party. This is kinda scary because everything I’m saying is finally coming true! I am going to make some statements in this article because if shit I predict is starting to become true, then I might as well shoot for the stars!

I’m not going to make predictions like “I’m going to bang Jessica Alba” because I don’t own any date rape, drug-filled poison darts. But I am going to make some predictions that seem very unlikely. I hope my readers are patient as these predictions come to fruition (especially this next one):

I will bang Mylie Cyrus (Hannah Montana) when she turns 18, and I will bust a nut simultaneously while her father has a fatal heart attack. Then she will turn over her financial decisions to me.

I can see this happening because in three years, when she’s 18, Laredoslider.com will probably evolve into a full fledged porn site. So I will be on the fast track of being the next Hugh Heffner (except with ho’s with genetically engineered asses).

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, and give Laredoslider.com a exclusive interview where I ask the question, “Have you ever sucked dick before?” She will then cry while giving me head. It’s not like she is going to be the first president to suck dick (zing).

World War III will start when a Jewish man is told by a Muslim man, working at a 7-11, that one bottle of water costs $1.29. The Jewish man says that the sign say “2 for $2”. The Muslim man will say, “Only if you buy two”. This will lead to another thousand years of conflict, including WWIII.

The government will classify chinky-eyed Mexicans as Asians. Because, really, can we tell the difference?

I will be a millionaire in 2008 after rigging the World Series of Poker.

The city of Philadelphia will be bombed, by the United States…nobody will care.

I will get pulled over for no reason, and then I will be asked to get out of the car for no reason.

The New York Mets will win the National League in 2008.

I will learn to become a carpenter and turn Serena William’s ass into a table.

I will invent a new skin care lotion, like Proactiv, and people will use it…until the day I admit that I was just bottling my own jizz…

I will invent a new energy drink, like Red Bull, and people will use it…until, you know

Scientists will genetically engineer a sausage so big; it could feed a whole country. They call it “Laredo’s Dick”.

The national anthem will be replaced by Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”

Derek Jeter admits he’s gay. Then he tells his Yankee teammates to sniff the handles on their bats because “that’s how he rolls”.

Oh yeah…the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl…Eli Manning will have such a good game that he will finally get his own commercials…for erectile dysfunction (but, hey, who cares?). I walk around for 4 hours after the game with an erection, but I will not consult a physician.

A Dream of a Game

I had a dream last Sunday. It was a dream where I was watching my favorite football team, without a care in the world. I was drinking heavily, Jessica Simpson was there, and Tony Romo was running scared. It was awesome. I am a proponent of sharing and analyzing my dreams, because they mean something (even if it’s a dream I have over and over…like violating Jessica Alba’s mouth…which usually means I switch the sheets out when I wake up).

As the dream starts, I see a stadium filled with Mexicans and rednecks. I think that I’m at a drive-thru liquor store, but wait…there are 70,000 of them, and a big grass field…so it must be a Budwiser/Tecate Landscaping Peace Conference (by the way…DON’T BUY MILLER CHILL…it’s a Mexican inspired beer recipe that tastes like a Mexican perspired in it). Then I see that the Mexicans aren’t cutting the grass. WTF?!? It’s field-turf! I must be at a football game! Cool! In most dreams I’m usually playing quarterback and scoring (in more ways than one). My last game was legendary:

45 of 45, 587 yards passing…18 carries for 299 yards rushing, 6 Home Runs, 2 Hat Tricks, 11 of 11 from three, and 4 holes violated on every member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Then the Cowboys and the Giants run on the field. I decide not to take the game over, and let them play.

Giants 7, Cowboys 0

The Cowboys come out shit talking, and their QB has a shit-eating grin on his face. The Giants get the ball first and draw first blood on a Eli to Amani 57 yard connection. I’m happy that this dream is starting off well, but then someone takes my clothes off, and I wake up from the embarrassment. I hate when I wake up from a good dream prematurely. I then drink myself back to sleep.

Giants 7, Cowboys 14

I go back to sleep and the dream is turning into a nightmare. Terrell Owens scores a TD, and
Marion (the only Barber that has a penis) Barber is running all over us. I’m getting ready to force myself to wake up before shit gets ugly.

Giants 14, Cowboys 14

Eli decides to continue his “fuck my brother…it’s my time, biatch!” postseason by putting together a beautiful 47 second drive to tie the game. This quiets the Texas Stadium crowd faster than immigration quiets day laborers (a.k.a. Mexicans) while cruising the Home Depot parking lot.

Giants 14, Cowboys 17

The Giants defense is stepping up a bit, and the proper adjustments were made at half time. Tony Romo has the “I’m going to tank this game so I can go home and F Jessica Simpson” face on.

Giants 21, Cowboys 17

Brandon Jacobs scampers for a one yard TD…then he rifles the ball into the play clock in what is the greatest TD celebration of all-time. It was a celebration that took the heart out of the Cowboys. Their fans shutdafuckup. Their players shutdafuckup. I wish Troy Aikman shutdafuck up, but he was about to get his. It was time to put the finishing touches on this classic.

Final: Giants 21, Cowboys 17

The game ended better than I coulda dreamt. Romo was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Patrick Crayton dropped a huge pass. Jerry Jones came from the owner’s box to watch the collapse. And, Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found (actually, in the dream, I already f’d her, Cleveland steamer’d her, and kicked her out of my house). Then there is T.O., in the “Derek Jeter Bitch Made Moment” of the week (Really, T.O.? Who brings those glasses to a football game?I know you had this planned).:

The only thing that T.O. did right was that the only question he answered, in the press conference, was from Azteca TV’s Ines Sainz. Who’s Ines Sainz? She is the hottest sideline reporter on the face of the Earth! What’s more perfect than a hot, Latin sideline reporter? NOTHING! She’s gotta be up for some baseball bat action in between the sheets (she’s Latin and into sports). I’ll leave you with a video montage of Mrs. Sainz-LaredoSlider…

GFY List...Laredo's Monday QB

Welcome to this week’s installment of the GFY list. For those on the ArmchairGM.com site, this is your first installment (and there are a couple of you who should be on this list). As for the Blogspot audience, you know this is the highlight of my week. GFY of course stands for “Go F Yourself”. I direct this comment to somebody at least 30 times a week, and this Monday morning article helps me vent after a long sports weekend. Let’s not waste anytime and get started.

First, I’ll start off with Derek Jeter

I usually make fun of Derek Jeter for being homosexual, or more white than black (a.k.a. having a small penis), or I call him overrated. The problem is that he is linked to so many girls that he probably isn’t a homo. The New York Post reported he was in Miami, partying with Timbaland, drinking Grey Goose all night. To top it off he has multiple ladies coming and going from his room, but then there’s this quote, from the Post:

Jeter was spotted acting equally detached later that night at Set, where he was "surrounded by throngs of women five rows deep. He was hanging with a guy friend, though, and didn't seem to take much interest in the hordes of ladies."

Check that, he may be a switch hitter. I think that he’s abusing his celebrity. He won 4 rings, and he seems to be happy with that. No sulking about a early exit. No time with Mom and Dad after a long season on the road. None of that. I miss the genuine superstars, like Shawn Kemp. The guys who would try to bang broads in the club. The guys who tanked the season on purpose, just so they could go on vacation. The guys who made every ounce of their celebrity count (except for ounces that were swallowed by the aforementioned club groupies). I think Jeter should let me be in a club, with hordes of ladies. I would show them the real meaning of “five rows deep”. Maybe I’m a little jealous, but Derek, GFY!!!!

Next will be Rockies fans

I will be rooting for the Rockies in the World Series. One thing though, if you’re a true Rockies fan, the oldest you can be is 24. Here’s why…it’s 2007. The Rockies first year was 1993. A kid can’t remember much before age 10, especially in Colorado (people that live in Colorado are 1) crazy, and 2) potheads…they usually pass these traits on to their kids). So, when I go to a bar I don’t wanna hear people saying, “I used to be a Padres fan, but…” (I usually walk away right there). Don’t adopt a team that is not getting back to the World Series in the next 20 years. The only people who can switch teams they root for are Ricky Henderson (he’s a mercenary), and Alyssa Milano (she probably roots for the team of the player she last banged). That’s it! So Rockies fans, over the age of 24, can GFY!!!

Last are the NBA and David Stern

It’s almost painful to know what kind of crap we are going to sit through this year with the NBA. The league is better, but it’s such a long, drawn-out year. The playoffs are as long as the football season (it seems), and to top it off, the league is rigged. I remember when I sat and watched important playoff games, where I wondered if the game was rigged. Then the Tim Donaghy stuff happened. Okay, maybe that’s one guy; an isolated incident. But, now it’s disciplinary actions against six other officials (allegedly) for gambling. Then it’s a fucked up ball that they are trying to bring back in a different fucked up form (are they really trying to save cows…what about the heifers in the club? they ain’t trying to save them). This is a league, with young stars that have character, and the N.B.A. big wigs make the game hard to watch, not the players. David Stern…GFY!!!

So that’s it…I feel better. I’m out…

Laredo Slider's NYC Sports Check

Sports check time!!! Just in case you thought my balls were cut off because of my last blog (who though I would be a fan of The Bachelor?), I am going to talk sports today. Just a quick rundown on what’s going on in NYC area sports. Let’s get crackin’:

1. New York Yankees

Why the Yankees are number one this week: They may somehow spurn one of the greatest managers in the game’s history (Joe Torre), the best player in the game (A-Rod), and the best closer of all-time (Mariano Rivera). Jorge Posada will also test free agency. They still have a propensity for making big moves and they gotta do something. They are the Yankees.

Laredo’s Take: Why do the Yankees always steal the headlines?!?! The big story is not what they’re going to do. I know what they’re going to do. They’re going to keep Torre, A-Rod, and Posada. Mo Rivera will get a ridiculous offer from another team, and might have to take it. But here’s the real story: Two scantily dressed girls came out of Derek Jeter’s Florida condo in the morning this week. They tried to get their car from the valet and they found out they had to pay for parking. Derek doesn’t validate supposedly, and these girls were pissed. This is what I called the Ryan Seacrest move. Have two girls dressed like hookers, leave your pad. Then it looks like you’re not a homo. If I’m the Yankee captain, these broads are walking out of my crib limping, with sore tonsils. When the newspaper asks them for the story, the only quote would be, “Burp”. You know Jeter wasn’t hitting that shit right, and I can see right through his ploy. Sorry Derek, I know you still blow cock.

2. New York Football Giants

Why the Jints are number two this week: This team looks good, but they are a little inconsistent. The running game is still there, the QB looks good, and the D is a big play D. Throw in a weak schedule, and there is no reason the Jints shouldn’t make the playoffs.

Laredo’s Take: I wonder if this season comes with Vaseline, because I know this team is gonna F me. I’m just waiting for the next big injury. Shockey is due for a season ending injury, sooner or later. Eli will start throwing INT’s like Jeter throws transvestites outta his pad. The offensive line has been good, but that’s going down the shitter, like a Shawn Merriman drug test. I can’t wait until Mets spring training.

3. Rangers, Islanders, Devils

Why the hockey teams number three: The start of the hockey season is here, and nobody cares. I’m just giving them a little exposure.

Laredo’s Take: They need to change the rules. First melt the ice, turn the rink into a pool. Get rid of the skates and give the players fins. Give the fans guns. Invite brothas. Change the name from the NHL to the ‘Shooting Fish in a Barrel League’ or the ‘CBL’ (Cracka Barrel League).

4. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number four: They play in the NFL, and that’s the best sports league in the world.

Laredo’s Take: They suck soooooooooooo bad right now. No big time players. Tough schedule. It’s not in the cards for Gang Green. They need to start the kid at QB. Pennington is a good QB when there is a good team around him, but this team sucks. They need to get ready for next year. But we could fill the Meadowlands with water and give the fans guns…

5. New Jersey Nets

Why the Nets are number five: They have a Hall of Fame point guard.

Laredo’s Take: They have a Hall of Fame point guard, who was accused of grouping a girl in a NYC nightclub, a couple of days ago. She accussed him of coming up to her a grabbing her crotch. She is obviously lying (or it was one of those no-look crotch grabs that J.K. is known for...and he's not blowing kisses to his kids before foul shots, he's smelling his fingers). Guys don’t do that. We ask for your number, and if you don’t give it to us, you’re obviously a lesbian. The only chronicled crotch grabbing incident was O.J., and the witness never showed up to back up that claim.

6. New York Knickerbockers

Why: No arrests, injuries, or lawsuits this week.

Laredo’s Take: Isaiah is laying low before he announces the signing of Bin Laden. Oh, and I love the fact that people think that we can trade for Kobe Bryant. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! We’ll give them Allan Houston, Nate Robinson, and Bin Laden. I have a feeling that if the Knicks get off to a bad start, then Isaiah will put the season into “Auto-Tank” mode.

No Mets this week, because they have no relevancy right now. The sting of the season is gone, but they officially are in the “Sports Check” doghouse. I’m out like Derek Jeter’s transvestite hookers in the morning.