Super Bowl Pick

Today is the day...three hours away...this is how it's going down (BTW, no live blog...I'm already too drunk)...

I arrive at unknown person's Super Bowl party. I smile, and immediately look around to see what kind, and how many, of "B's" are in attendance. B's are anything that start with B that can get a party started: Beer, Blunts, Broads, Bratwurst, Bitches, Ballons (with helium in 'em only), Big Booty Bitches, Big Booty Broads, and Big Booty Broats Bringing Me Beer, Blunts, and Bratwurst (and somewhere we will work Blumpkin into the equation). So I check that out, mind my P's and Q's, and consume more alcohol. I then come up with a plan on what food I am going to eat. Do I eat dairy products, that will be sure to close the bathroom off for 45 minutes, or wait until the second half when people know me a bit better? Is the couch conducive to muffling the sound of a fart, or should I care? Is Troy Aikman going to cause me to throw a beer at the TV? Am I going to use the words "Brandon Jacobs", "hole", "pigskin", "bitch", "anal", and "black" in the same sentence twice (one yelling at the TV, and once talking to a broad)? Probably. What I don't know is the outcome...I think it's going to be close. My prediction...

Giants win the coin flip, and tell Brandon Jacobs to exploit the holes in the Pats 'D and then spike the pigskin so hard off of the playclock that the playclock thinks it's getting anal from a black guy. The game is going to be a game where the Patriots defense will give the Giants something, and the Giants will take it. Tom Brady will get sacked a couple of times, but the Giants D is a great bend, but don't break, defense. The more I write this paragraph, the more I realize what everybody is scared to say...the Giants are bigger, faster, and don't give a fuck... That's my final analysis...Giants 44 Pats 24. Giants win Sunday, Johan press conference Monday, Championship Parade Tuesday, Liver Failure Wednesday. Oh, yeah...no drinking and driving! Make sure you have a designated decoy, if you do drive. GO BIG BLUE!!!!!

More Predictions...

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everybody! I hope everybody is remembering the man, his message, and are celebrating the one race that matters…the human race. Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about another race. A race to the NFC crown, which is OVER!!! As everybody knows, the Giants won the NFC last night in one of the most thrilling, legendary games. The Giants are on a legendary playoff run. If they win it all it will rank with the ’69 Mets and ’94 Rangers as one of the most cherished championships any team has won in city history. Those two teams actually were given a chance; this Giants team was NOT given a chance.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (I did that earlier while watching The Best of Nautica Thorn: Asian Sensation), but I did proclaim in my October 25^th article that the Giants had a serious shot to bring home the NFC title. I also have to go back to my December 24^th article when I proclaimed that the Giants can get to the championship, and I was going to bang Danielle Fishel’s (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”) fat ass at a Super Bowl party. This is kinda scary because everything I’m saying is finally coming true! I am going to make some statements in this article because if shit I predict is starting to become true, then I might as well shoot for the stars!

I’m not going to make predictions like “I’m going to bang Jessica Alba” because I don’t own any date rape, drug-filled poison darts. But I am going to make some predictions that seem very unlikely. I hope my readers are patient as these predictions come to fruition (especially this next one):

I will bang Mylie Cyrus (Hannah Montana) when she turns 18, and I will bust a nut simultaneously while her father has a fatal heart attack. Then she will turn over her financial decisions to me.

I can see this happening because in three years, when she’s 18, Laredoslider.com will probably evolve into a full fledged porn site. So I will be on the fast track of being the next Hugh Heffner (except with ho’s with genetically engineered asses).

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, and give Laredoslider.com a exclusive interview where I ask the question, “Have you ever sucked dick before?” She will then cry while giving me head. It’s not like she is going to be the first president to suck dick (zing).

World War III will start when a Jewish man is told by a Muslim man, working at a 7-11, that one bottle of water costs $1.29. The Jewish man says that the sign say “2 for $2”. The Muslim man will say, “Only if you buy two”. This will lead to another thousand years of conflict, including WWIII.

The government will classify chinky-eyed Mexicans as Asians. Because, really, can we tell the difference?

I will be a millionaire in 2008 after rigging the World Series of Poker.

The city of Philadelphia will be bombed, by the United States…nobody will care.

I will get pulled over for no reason, and then I will be asked to get out of the car for no reason.

The New York Mets will win the National League in 2008.

I will learn to become a carpenter and turn Serena William’s ass into a table.

I will invent a new skin care lotion, like Proactiv, and people will use it…until the day I admit that I was just bottling my own jizz…

I will invent a new energy drink, like Red Bull, and people will use it…until, you know

Scientists will genetically engineer a sausage so big; it could feed a whole country. They call it “Laredo’s Dick”.

The national anthem will be replaced by Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”

Derek Jeter admits he’s gay. Then he tells his Yankee teammates to sniff the handles on their bats because “that’s how he rolls”.

Oh yeah…the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl…Eli Manning will have such a good game that he will finally get his own commercials…for erectile dysfunction (but, hey, who cares?). I walk around for 4 hours after the game with an erection, but I will not consult a physician.