NY Sports Check - 10/25

New week, same shit. It's almost like the sports world is under a dark spell cast by the Red Sox Nation. We gotta watch them beat the inferior Rockies, amidst the crappy announcing of Tim McCarver. Once they win it will be all over and we can concentrate on the NFL, and hot stove baseball. Whatever...the good thing about being a NY sports fan is that there is always something to talk about. So without further hesistation, NY Sports Check:

1. New York Giants

Why the Giants are number one: The Giants are dominating, and guess what? They have the best shot at winning a championship, out of all the NY teams, at this moment. The reason? Not the improved play of Eli. Not the revamped offensive line. Not the three-headed running attack. And, not the big play capabilities of Plexiglass Buress. It is the defense, but not the talent (even though they are very talented). It's Steve Spagnuolo, the defensive coordinator. Let's be real, these are the Giants, and they play in North Jersey. Do they want a defensive coach named Johnnie Lynn, or Tim Lewis? NO!!!! The Giants should have a defensive coordinator who is a "Pisan". With a name like Spagnuolo, he is a shoe in to be the next Giant coach. He is lauded for his blitz schemes (he refers to them as "hits"). And he is knows how to get his players motivated. I asked Coach Spag on how he keeps his players motivated. He said, "I tell those moulies that they better play or then my cut, of their pay, will go from 10 points to 40 points, and if they don't like that they can go fuck themselves. Forgetaboutit. I'm just a capo right now, but one day I'll be boss of this organization. Coughlin is getting lazy, and we know how those micks like their liquor." Okay, so he didn't say that. But he is the reason why the Giants can win the NFC.

2. New York Yankees

Why the Yanks are number two: The ownership is changing, and for the worse. I hope people realize that George Steinbrenner has no control on what is going on with the Yankees. If he did, then Joe Torre would still be around. He might have some medical condition (like Alzheimer's), and is being used like a pawn by the real controlling owners. The Dolan's are also putting in a bid to buy the YES Network, which means they want the team eventually (Forbes values the Yankees at 1.5 billion, and the YES Network at 3.5 billion). If the Dolan's get control, Suzyn Waldman will file a sexual harrasment suit, and will win. That's how inept and unprofessional the sports side of the Dolan empire has been so far (anybody accused of sexually harrasing Suzyn Waldman should be castrated). Oh yeah, they're looking for a manager who will take the worst job in baseball, the replacement of Joe Torre. Ha!! I feel a lost decade on the horizon.

3. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number three: Because they are in the middle of a quarterback controversy. Pennington is good, but they know Pennington already. They should play Kellen Clemens at QB and tank the season. With a high draft pick, they can get a player who is a gamebreaker, and they have zero of those right now. This is a classic example of the downs a team experiences after a year where they had an easy schedule.

4. New York Knicks

A lot of publications are picking the Knicks to miss the playoffs. I think it's more of an attack on the character of Isaiah Thomas than an attack on the actual talent of the roster. This is a team that is hard to match-up with and they are all 25 through 28 years old (with some exceptions), and they're maturing to the point where they can win 8 to 10 more games this year. They play hard for Isaiah. Oh yeah, if David Stern takes action against Isaiah, he has to take action against Kobe Bryant. Bryant settled with a "rape" victim and it's not like he didn't have sex with that girl (ho). I hope the Knicks do their thing this year and prove everybody (except me) wrong.

5. The Hockey Teams

Why are they number five: Last week I suggest that the NHL melt the ice and have brothas shoot from the stands at the players, just to make the sport interesting. I know that this will never happen, but last time I checked, there were no metal detectors in NHL arenas.

6. New York Mets

Why they are number six: I know the Yanks are in trade talks with anybody, and everybody. We better be doing the same thing. We also need to hire Wally Backman to be on our coaching staff. A lot of what the Mets were missing last year, is instilled in Backman. He is a Mets great who should get more respect within the organization, and I think he could be a great first base coach.

7. New Jersey Nets

Why they are number seven: They have a great backcourt, and I like a couple of their young players. Their front line is definatly underrated as well. But, still, they're boring. Their stars are not likeable (except Richard Jefferson), and they play in a dead arena. This will be their best team since they went to the finals, but whodafuckcares.

That's it...Go GIANTS!!!!

Laredo Slider's NYC Sports Check

Sports check time!!! Just in case you thought my balls were cut off because of my last blog (who though I would be a fan of The Bachelor?), I am going to talk sports today. Just a quick rundown on what’s going on in NYC area sports. Let’s get crackin’:

1. New York Yankees

Why the Yankees are number one this week: They may somehow spurn one of the greatest managers in the game’s history (Joe Torre), the best player in the game (A-Rod), and the best closer of all-time (Mariano Rivera). Jorge Posada will also test free agency. They still have a propensity for making big moves and they gotta do something. They are the Yankees.

Laredo’s Take: Why do the Yankees always steal the headlines?!?! The big story is not what they’re going to do. I know what they’re going to do. They’re going to keep Torre, A-Rod, and Posada. Mo Rivera will get a ridiculous offer from another team, and might have to take it. But here’s the real story: Two scantily dressed girls came out of Derek Jeter’s Florida condo in the morning this week. They tried to get their car from the valet and they found out they had to pay for parking. Derek doesn’t validate supposedly, and these girls were pissed. This is what I called the Ryan Seacrest move. Have two girls dressed like hookers, leave your pad. Then it looks like you’re not a homo. If I’m the Yankee captain, these broads are walking out of my crib limping, with sore tonsils. When the newspaper asks them for the story, the only quote would be, “Burp”. You know Jeter wasn’t hitting that shit right, and I can see right through his ploy. Sorry Derek, I know you still blow cock.

2. New York Football Giants

Why the Jints are number two this week: This team looks good, but they are a little inconsistent. The running game is still there, the QB looks good, and the D is a big play D. Throw in a weak schedule, and there is no reason the Jints shouldn’t make the playoffs.

Laredo’s Take: I wonder if this season comes with Vaseline, because I know this team is gonna F me. I’m just waiting for the next big injury. Shockey is due for a season ending injury, sooner or later. Eli will start throwing INT’s like Jeter throws transvestites outta his pad. The offensive line has been good, but that’s going down the shitter, like a Shawn Merriman drug test. I can’t wait until Mets spring training.

3. Rangers, Islanders, Devils

Why the hockey teams number three: The start of the hockey season is here, and nobody cares. I’m just giving them a little exposure.

Laredo’s Take: They need to change the rules. First melt the ice, turn the rink into a pool. Get rid of the skates and give the players fins. Give the fans guns. Invite brothas. Change the name from the NHL to the ‘Shooting Fish in a Barrel League’ or the ‘CBL’ (Cracka Barrel League).

4. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number four: They play in the NFL, and that’s the best sports league in the world.

Laredo’s Take: They suck soooooooooooo bad right now. No big time players. Tough schedule. It’s not in the cards for Gang Green. They need to start the kid at QB. Pennington is a good QB when there is a good team around him, but this team sucks. They need to get ready for next year. But we could fill the Meadowlands with water and give the fans guns…

5. New Jersey Nets

Why the Nets are number five: They have a Hall of Fame point guard.

Laredo’s Take: They have a Hall of Fame point guard, who was accused of grouping a girl in a NYC nightclub, a couple of days ago. She accussed him of coming up to her a grabbing her crotch. She is obviously lying (or it was one of those no-look crotch grabs that J.K. is known for...and he's not blowing kisses to his kids before foul shots, he's smelling his fingers). Guys don’t do that. We ask for your number, and if you don’t give it to us, you’re obviously a lesbian. The only chronicled crotch grabbing incident was O.J., and the witness never showed up to back up that claim.

6. New York Knickerbockers

Why: No arrests, injuries, or lawsuits this week.

Laredo’s Take: Isaiah is laying low before he announces the signing of Bin Laden. Oh, and I love the fact that people think that we can trade for Kobe Bryant. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! We’ll give them Allan Houston, Nate Robinson, and Bin Laden. I have a feeling that if the Knicks get off to a bad start, then Isaiah will put the season into “Auto-Tank” mode.

No Mets this week, because they have no relevancy right now. The sting of the season is gone, but they officially are in the “Sports Check” doghouse. I’m out like Derek Jeter’s transvestite hookers in the morning.

GFY List...Monday Morning QB on Wednsday...Week of September 30th (a day that will live in infamy)

Last week, I was in a good mood. I was like, "a GFY list would be funny." I was happy with where the Mets were, the Giants' D did a complete about face, and I was back on the east coast...so I was happy as a clam (Jessica Alba's clam). I took a shot at Philly because I thought that they were going to fall short once again, and JDate was looking promising (after my fourth registration).

This week, I'm in a shitty mood. I think a GFY list this week will help me let off some steam. The Mets are home (and they didn't deserve to be playing this week), the Giants are good (but as soon as I finish this sentence, they will shit the bed), and I'm back in L.A...so I am as pissy as a clam (Rosie O'Donnell's clam on her period...sorry, but I'm pissed and spiting out nothing but venom, today...just like, you know what). I just want to get into this list. First up is Anucha Brown-Sanders (ladies, Laredo does love you, unless you stand in the way of one of my franchise gettin' a ring).

#1 - Anucha Brown-Sanders, Isaiah Thomas, Madison Square Garden

For those who don't know, Anucha sued Madison Square Garden and Isaiah Thomas for sexual harassment, and she won. Yes, there was plenty of evidence to suggest that MSG and Zeke were guilty. Pretty cut and dried, right? Isaiah should lose his job, right? Garden boss James Dolan is known for making pretty sensible decisions, right? No, on all counts!

A. Anucha Browne-Sanders proved her case. She supposedly wasn't qualified for the job, and she caused problems at work. If I'm the defense, I would say, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, bitches cause problems at work", the jury would agree and every one would go home happy. Does anybody doubt that she caused problems at work? NO!!!!

B. Isaiah - He admitted to trying to kiss (and inappropriately hug) Mrs. Browne-Sanders. He also said that he uses the word "bitch", but would never use "black bitch" towards the plaintiff. He also said he has a problem with white guys using the word "bitch" towards black women. Let's not give him a medal, yet, because he used his "I'm going to sexually harass this girl at work" card on a sasquatch (all guys play this card as much as possible until they get caught, we just don't know it). Why her?!? She's about 8'2", and not exactly a spring chicken. She must have come to work with dynamite coming out of her pussy. What did Isaiah see in her? She looks a little like Patrick Ewing with a wig. He shoulda tried f'n a Knicks City Dancer. If I'm the defense, I would say, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you think that Isaiah would try to F a sasquatch? This isn't a Jack Link's Jerky commercial, and I don't think so." The jury would agree and everyone would go home happy. Does anybody think she is not a sasquatch? NO!!!!!

C. Madison Square Garden - The ticket prices are too high, and the guy who runs the Garden is an idiot. James Dolan shoulda bought her out (he does that with players every year). And he isn't going to fire Isaiah (yet). He is going to have to, this case proves everything is upside down at the Garden. When the Knicks play, they are going to have women groups protesting, and Marbury is going to try and fuck them all (which will open up another can of crabs).

Bottom Line - There will probably be one Knick that gets killed at a club this year, and another who gets arrested (20 to 1 on a Knick getting shot...7 to 2 on an arrest...2 to 1 the arrested Knick is the one who fired the shots). We don't need a distraction like this trial, right now...especially when other shit starts hitting the fan.

#2 - Cops

What are going to happen to Mike Vick's pits? Read 'dis (thepoint.com) :

The 48 remaining dogs “appear to have some potential for possible placement with specific conditions,” according to Rosenberg’s motion. The prosecutors plan to ask Hudson to appoint a guardian to oversee the disposition and placement of the rest of the dogs.

Some of the dogs might be used to fight crime one day. A future in law enforcement was among the four categories of placement considered for each dog, according to the motion, made by Rosenberg’s office.

Oh, so Mike trained the dogs for you?! Let's call him Lt. Ron Mexico. Let him go!!! He just donated 48 dogs to fighting crime, and that was his plan all along. The cops are planning to use pits?!?! Hell no!!! I don't want to be running and have a pit clamp on to me, because I was pulled over for D.W.B. (driving while black...or dickin' white bitches). Puhleeeze...I think #7 will be taking snaps in the NFL (especially after Mr. Goodell reads this explanation). Then...

Last week in Newport Beach, CA, Dennis Rodman was charged formally with touching a woman in an intimate place. He was at a bar, and had a innuendo filled conversation with a girl (supposedly she asked to see his dick and he pulled it out, seriously). He then slapped her ass. Whatdaflidduck?! There should be two crimes. Rodman should be charged for taking his dick out. He should also be charged with taking his dick out, and not getting as little as a tug-job. The cops f'd it up. You can't charge somebody with "slapping an intimate body part" if it's her ass (unless she's a porno star that specializes in anal...which includes shooting medicine balls through her ass...i can't be the only one who saw that one). I was like, "damn, this niggas hard, slapping bitches' tities." Nope, it was her ass. I can't believe the cops are persuing this.

#3 - The Mets (except Scott Schoenweis) - I don't need to write any more about the Mets, except this. Scott Schoenweis had the right idea...use steroids. As a fan, it obvious that the Mets don't care about me, so they should use steroids, because I don't care about them. Here's to hoping Joes Reyes comes to spring training with "30 lbs. more of muscle" a.k.a. roided up.

I'm out like Rodman's dick at a family restaurant.

Phuck Philly - Laredo's Picks of Da Week

I feel like Patrick Ewing. I’m Jamaican. I sweat a lot. I make claims that usually come back to bite me in the ass. Example of things that have come out of my mouth in the last year that makes me feel like the great Knicks center:

“Suck my dick. the Mets have the best lineup in baseball. I’ll bet you they win the NL East this year. Enough about the Mets. That girl over there wants some chocolate, and I’m going to give it to her.”

Or:

“Go fuck yourself. The Knicks should make the playoffs this year. Curry, Frye, Marbury, Crawford, Q. We’re stacked. I may be drunk, but I think Isaiah is leading us in the right direction.” (Proceed to throw up)

Or, how ‘bout this one:

“I think Chris Collinsworth and Tiki Barber like to play hide the sausage. I don’t think the Giants are going to be as bad as people they say, and Eli is going to have a breakout year. We’ll make the playoffs. Get me another Heineken, bitch.”

So here comes something that P-Ew said (after game sixes in the eastern conference finals in ’94 and ’95), that I’m going to say now:

SEE YOU ON SUNDAY!!!!

And I’m talking to the dirty-ass city to the south, Philadelphia.

I know the NL East is going to come down to Sunday (and maybe Monday), and the Mets are winning today, and tomorrow. I guarantee it. The Phillies don’t have the fortitude to sweep the Nationals. Pat Burrell is a fat fuck, Ryan Howard is a fat fuck, and Jimmy Rollins is a switch-hitter in more ways than one. They’re not going to sweep the Nationals.

Also, the Giants are going to shit on the Eagles. Not only do the Eagles have the worst throwbacks in the history of sports. Their fans are gay, and so is the QB. The G-men will end the Eagles season tomorrow. Strahan will have 3 sacks, and once all these scientific predictions come true, Philly will have one sack (of yours truly) in their mouth. So that leads me to Laredo’s Predictions for Sunday:

Birds at Jints (+3) (O/U 47)

The national game on NBC tomorrow night. We’ll hear so much trash talk from Tiki, Olbermann, Collinsworth, and Costas about the Giants that will get them fired up. We’ll find out what an imposter Donovan McNabb is (he’s not Irish). And he won’t be lucky, either. Philly’s D is softer than Lindsay Lohan’s left litty. Eli’s line will look like this: 25-38, 320, 3 Tds, 1 int. Derrick Ward will have a buck twenty rushing. Giants slap the Birds like a south Philly hooker…24-16

Green Bay at Minny (+2) (37.5)

I love a team that has no option but to rush the ball (Minnesota), and I love chicks that rush at my balls. I love a team that has a great home field advantage, in the dome (Minnesota), and I love chicks that give good dome. Farve comes back to earth and has a 3 interception day. Adrian Peterson runs wild. Minnesota wins 20-17

Chicago at Detroit (+3) (45)

The Bears are going to Brian Griese (who we’ll refer to as QB #2, cause we WILL see a Kyle Orton appearance this year). QB #2 will have a safe game because Lovie Smith won’t let him throw the ball willy-nilly (otherwise known as “Me Hitting It from Behind, and Since I’m Going Raw, I Don’t Wanna Bust in this Bitch” game). The Bears will be so predictable tomorrow, and the Lions will take advantage. The Lions will also put points on the board, the Bears D is overrated (see last weeks predictions, thank you very much). Look for the Bears RBs to put the ball on the floor. Lions eat the Bears 27-10 (stick a fork in the Bears).

Seattle at San Francisco (+2) (40.5)

San Fran gets no respect. They were in the game for three quarters against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then got beat by a really good team in the fourth quarter. Alex Smith gets going tomorrow (nobody talks about how much of a bust he has been), and Frank gore’s the Puget Puke 21-10.

Patrick Ewing was one and one in the “See You on Sunday” games. I’m going two and zero. If I don’t, I’ll be in your local bar saying, “Lick my balls. The only team that made better moves than the Rangers in the off-season are the Knicks. MSG is back, baby!”

Back to the Knicks Pick...Wilson Chandler

I am looking at how the draftboards (nbadraft.net, draftexpress.com) look and I getting nervous about the Knicks pick. I only worry because, in this draft, there may be a future all-star at this stage, and I don't want to see Isaiah not nab him. Isaiah is a good drafter, and he claims he is going to take the best prospect this year, maybe a guy who is going to take a couple of years to come along. That's good news, because Thomas is already looking to the post Marbury/Francis era (not sayin' i wanna see Steph go, but...). The Knicks claim to be looking for a shooter, but Thomas says there are no "Allan Houston's" in the draft. It's hard to ignore my first prospect ,for the pick at 23, Morris Almond:

He has a sweet stroke, and it's hard to ignore his shooting percentage, his shooting volume, and his scoring average in college (26.4 ppg, .456 3pt FG%). He has flawless mechanics, too (I wish he played for a better program than Rice, because I can't find any thing on YouTube about him. It looks like Belinelli may go higher, so the only other prospect, at this point, that I would consider is Almond. Isaiah may be playing possum in saying there are no good shooting prospects, but is ceiling may not be as high as Wilson Chandler:

I was going to go into other guys, but as soon as I though about who Wilson Chandler is, and who he gets compared to, I want to end with the best possible talent availible at 23. When I say who Chandler is, I say a guy who is a sophmore who played in a crap program. I think the GMs in the NBA are looking for the winning intangible that has translated to some of the leagues good, young stars (Boozer, Hinrich, E. Brand, Deron Williams, etc.). That's probably the easiest way to draft; draft a good guy, from a good program. When you're in the lottery. At the 23, Isaiah knows he needs to be agressive, and hit the lottery.

When people describe Chandler's athleticism, there is one name they associate, comfortably, with him. Shawn Marion. Nuff said. I envision an athletic, gritty, defensive team, when this roster hits its peak. Lineups with Balkman, Jeffries, Chandler, Lee, etc. in them. I see matchups problems, for other teams. It would also soften the blow when the Knicks lost Trevor 'Da Riza' Ariza. I now, officially, have changed my pick endorsement to Chandler.



Wilson Chandler #22

NBA Draft - Rest of the first round

I was reading my predictions from Saturday, and I decided it was time to take two days off. Not only did I concoct a trade that was total fantasy, I also tried to figure a way write my name in the first round. I was hoping Kevin McHale would read this, draft me, I could go to Minny and go clubbing with Mark Madsen. So here is the picks for the rest. I will be short because, one pick, the 23, deserves more attention than the others (the Knicks pick here).

So here we go

15 - Detroit - Ye Li

Le is like Yi, unknown and Asian. The only thing that separates the two is that Yi is packing rice, and Le has a rice patty. Okay, so Ye Li is a woman. If Detroit were to draft her, they could have the inside track once Yao Ming is a free agent (they're engadged). The Detroit Police will also have a new deterrent to crime, and she could probably play QB for the Lions.

"Who Faaarrrdddett?"

"Buy NOW!!! Or get out of Paint!!!"

While were alienating women athelete's, let's go a step further, Kim Clijsters about to kiss Geoffrey the Giraffe, from Toys R Us fame (or is that Linsay Davenport. I wish tennis used astroturf so I could make a carpet reference):



16 Washington - Curtis Allgier

Curtis is leading the penal league in steals, tats, shooting percentage, and already has an endorsement deal with Arby's (who doesn't), and he hates black people, so he might be a good front office guy when he retires (or Oval Office guy)...He insists if Washington drafts him, they will have to change their name back to the Bullets. If you haven't heard, this guy broke out of jail, by stealing a gun from an officer and shooting him, stole a car, went to Arby's where he was apprehended, sitting on the toilet after eating a Bacon Beef n' Cheddar (the last part isn't completly true). But what is true is this guy thought he was gonna be able to hide in the public after escaping. His perimeter elusiveness is exactly what the Bullets need :



"THAT wasn't ME! It was my Twin!!!"

17 through 22 - Scrub-ass teams drafting Scrub-Ass Players

23. Knicks (WHUUUUUUUUUUUTTTT!!!!!!) - Marco Belinelli

I think that this is exactly who the Knicks need to change their culture a bit more. I like the fact that he's a 6-6 shooting guard, who can actually shoot...he's a younger draftee (at 21), and scouts have been comparing to Ray Allen, and Manu "I Look Like I Should Be Spinning Pizzas" Ginobilli. Isaiah wants to have a shooter that can play off of Curry, and I think that he's the guy. I'm already coming up with nicknames like Marco "The Knicks are down by 30 so it's time to empty the bench and put in" Belinelli. He's a couple years away, but I trust Isaiah to do well in the draft, because that's the one thing he is good at. Video montage pleeeeeeeze (Marco in action, minute and a half long, only three plays):



After the 23rd pick, I predict that Knicks fans will cause a riot, and the rest of the draft will be cancelled.