When you think you're ahead, everybody catches up

The Boston Red Sox completed on the most improbable comebacks ever, last night. I hated it, of course. The Rays were winning and I was enjoying watching all the chowder heads in Boston, as they were drinking themselves into a long postseason (for those who don't come here for my sports commentary, the Rays were winning 7-0, and lost). The series is at 3-2 and all the momentum is going towards Boston. Game on Saturday, in St. Petersburg (wherever that is). Tampa better take care of buisness. For those who come here just to see if I am going to dedicate part of my post to Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus), today is your lucky day.

I wasn't sure how the "law" works, but I was sure that I could figure out a way to date Miley Cyrus in two years, once she turned 18 (damn, did I just write that?). Well, I probably wrote it before. I don't think she's going to be hot (i.e. I don't think she's hot now, because that would be against the "law"), and it's all about cashing in on her empire. I know that she'll be a billionaire, and I that's what turns me on to the idea of making a long time commitment with her (bank account). So my plan was to somehow run into her, and pretend that I don't know who she is (that will probably turn her on, in two years). I will treat her like the queen (ATM) she is, we get married, and I invest her money wisely in real estate (i.e. my own place where I can have ladies over). Great plan, right? Just gotta wait, right? NOPE!!! Some dude named Justin Gaston already beat me to it. The worse part is that he's 20, and her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, is letting it slide. So basically, this dude has the inside lane AND he's got the okay to circumvent the law. According to People Magazine (yes, I read it on the Internet, NOT IN LINE AT THE MOTHER F'N SUPERMARKET WHEN I HAVE NO ITEMS AND I'M JUST IN PEOPLE'S WAY), Billy Ray thinks "it's a good thing". WTF? I wonder what his reaction would be if that was my black ass? Statutory Rape...that's what. When robbery, embezzlement, and wire fraud are the only thing I plan on doing. Here's a picture of the happy couple...

I'm not worried, though...these things never last. If it was two years from now, I might write 'he ain't hittin' it right'.

I Know What You Did Last Winter, youblackmothafucka!

I haven't posted in a month and a half. Just some random thoughts, and mailbag stuff...

WOOOO!!! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. A month and a week off from writing articles, and I have been taking mental notes on what I should write about once I returned. A ton of ideas have gone through my head (most of them around 1:45 a.m., with my hand in my pants). This includes what type of changes I should make for the new year, to the website. You may wonder, "Laredo, it's March, how is it the New Year?" In the sports fan's world, there are two years in one calendar year. You may wonder, "Laredo, does that mean the 17 year old I'm banging is really 34 and I shouldn't go to jail?" No, she's really 17. Savor every minute of it while you're on the outside. But, back to the New Year, and why March kicks off what will be a special year.

It's almost Spring. Daytona, Spring Training, and Golf get fired up and March Madness takes over my life. It's such a new year and love is in the air. All of my friends have either (A) serious girlfriends, (B) new loves, or C an affinity for Subway sandwiches, sports, making white people nervous, making Asian people nervous, gambling, massages, stealing movies off the Internet, and making a lewd comment whenever a 17 through 19 and a half year old girl passes by. I fall into the C category, and I'm beginning to think that its getting kinda old. I need to start a family. I need to spread my seed. I need to turn the last sentence into a joke involving some young starlets face. So, I'm going to going to make a concerted effort to find Mrs. Laredo Slider over the next year. I'm going balls to the wall with this one. I'm going to get in better shape. I'm going to make a effort to listen to girls when they talk at me. I'm unleashing shock and awe on Jdate. I'm going to high school career days. I'll also go through the ladies' mail to answer questions that give them a better understanding of me, as I will want to pick their brains so I can figure out how to get them to trust me so I can empty their bank accounts and raw dawg them so I can have a young LeBron Laredo Slider in 18 years...I mean have a meaningful relationship. Let's get into the mailbag:

Mailbag

You are a horrible writer...you totally make fun of women and are racist.

-Sum Dum Ho, Anytown, USA

This is actually the gist of 75% of the emails I received in the last month. I think I'm a good writer, and that's all that counts...you must realize that this site is intended for people who have a sense of humor. You may not guess what nationality I am when you read a random entry. Well...I'm a Brown American. That means that there is a double standard that says that I can say anything I want. The funny thing is that people get offended when I write about their nationality, but love it when I make fun of Asians or Jews. Everybody has been made fun of, and written about, so to all the people who have issues with it...Go Fuck Yourself.

I' neyer see a prenis sooo brig!

-Massage Lady, Las Vegas, NV

This is actually the gist of 100% of the dialogue I receive when I get a massage.

The Patriots blew it, I know...I have gone totally Hollywood, and if I see you on the streets, I expect you to punch me in the face and turn it into a public urinal.

-Bill Simmons, ESPN

He didn't really write this, but it's funny how stupid New England/Boston fans are when they DON'T live in New England. I understand that you may watch every game, every night, but because you live in a city where they aren't talking about your team, you think it's Boston against the world. You guys won a couple of World Series because the National League can't produce a legit World Series contender. You squeeked out three Super Bowls (I was rooting for ya'll in all three, I must admit), and you lost to the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS in a loss so bad, it erased one of the other Super Bowl wins ya had. Every time a Pats fan said 'Best Team Ever' the sports gods got pissed and Cleveland Steamered your whole season. If you don't win the AL this year, and you don't win the lowly Eastern Conference in the NBA, consider it rough justice. I thought that it would be a good idea to leave the Super Bowl prediction article up for a month while I basked in the glory of one of the most satisfying championships in city history. I made a 44-24 prediction because I knew the Giants were younger, faster, and stronger. The game felt like a 20-point blowout at the end, and I can't say anything that hasn't been said, but here is a GFY: To all bandwagon Giants fans, and Boston fans, who are the most myopic people in the world. I hate seeing people vehemently root against the Giants, then they say, "oh, I knew they would win all along", or, "they were lucky". SUCK IT! You all knew who you are, and this championship was for the real fans, and none, NONE, of your teams can do anything that can sniff what the 2007-08 Giants did. I found out Boston fans are jaded, and they want to be like Yankee fans, so they acted like Yankee fans, and got the fat end of a Louisville Slugger right where the sun don't shine. And...

Yeah...so what, I wear a Eli Manning jersey for a month straight. I washed it once and there is so much body spray pumped into it, I expect to get tackled by a pyramid of cheerleaders any minute now. HE IS THE MVP OF THE GAME THAT COUNTS!!! And, all black people who said to me, "why don't you wear a black man's jersey?" (nobody has said this to me, but I was at a Waffle House where I thought I was going to get lynched because of it) THIS ISN'T 1960!!! I can wear a white man's jersey! Besides, it's the number 10...if Kordell Stewart comes back to play QB for the Giants, I have NO problem prying the "MANNING" off the back of the jersey, and putting "STEWART" on the back. So here is a GFY to all Giants Apparell Haters. I beat off every time that Giants Championship Sports Illustrated commercial comes on. Haters include Bill Simmons who said he was tired of bandwagon Giants fans he sees in L.A. Message to Simmons: if I see you on the street and I'm wearing my Kordell Stewart/Eli Manning jersey, and you say one word to me....run, nukka! You're lucky I'm on some sort of parole in the state of California, but I got two strikes to burn, bitch! One of my readers put you in your place when they wrote you this e-mail:

The B in Bandwagon stands for Beantown. I'm from NY but live in Los Angeles now and have been a fan of the G-Men my whole life. I will not pretend to argue that 90% of the people you saw could tell you the name of the TE who started for the Giants in the Super Bowl, let alone be able to recognize David Tyree on the street if it weren't for the copious number of tv interviews. However, if you want to talk about Bandwagons begin at home. The Celtics are not the biggest offender, your Red Sox have made unprecidented "fans" especially in the past year. Please ask the next idiot you see wearing a Red Sox hat here in LA the simplest of Bo-Sox trivia ?'s and Im sure the response will be silence. A run as large as that B-wagon jump couldn't be replicated if So Cal knocked down the gate to Mexico and painted a south-facing banner that read "Tecate Gratis!" As my other fav blogger writes "You gotta b F****** kiddin me!" GO GIANTS!!!

Random Thoughts

The page needs a new look

I decided that I would only use this page template whenever a team of mine is in contention for a championship. It was good luck for the G-Men, and it will be good luck for the Mets this fall. The only other thing that I was getting used to was seeing Nautica Thorn on my banner, and I'm going to miss when I take her off. I will say that she is going to be in the inaugural class for the Laredo Slider Hall of Fame. The new LS girl will be Audrey Bitoni (click her name for a little sample of her superior acting skills). I will also put some new links on the side. I have a link for breast cancer support, one for AIDS, one for cystic fibrosis, and one for Barack Obama's website. I think that these are great causes and there should be some good done by the website (oh yeah, click on “Audrey Bitoni” to see another website where you see her get done good)....

P.S. - Miss Bitoni, don't get a big head for being Laredo's Cover Girl of the Moment...Mariah Milano is right on your heels

Audrey Bitoni (half German, half Spanish)

Don't drive across the country unless you have to

I just mentioned I spent some time in a Waffle House. That's because I took a trip across the country. In my predictions for '08, I mentioned that I was going to get pulled over for no reason, and get asked to leave the car for no reason. I am proud to tell ya'll that happened one afternoon last week (I'm telling ya, those predictions are going to come true. I will be at the head of the Hannah Montana empire in no time...and while we're on the subject of H. Montana...is it weird when you, or your homies, are flipping though the channels and then it says 'Hannah Montana' on the on-screen guide, and for some reason the channel surfing stops for 4 seconds, then continues? I mean...I can get through the foreign channels in 2 seconds flat...but once I get to the Nickelodeon section of the dial, shit slows down. Can I erase the last 5 sentences?) So....I get pulled over because I was black and wearing a Kordell Stewart jersey (I was basically asking for it). I wasn't speeding, I wasn't swerving, and I wasn't ghostriding the whip (but I had the urge to). The wonderful police officer of Memphis, Tennessee asked me where I was going, and when he didn't smell any malt liquor on me, he let me go. Pretty uneventful, but worth talking about. Here's a GFY to all police departments everywhere. You dumbasses shouldn't pull over people just because they are black, and look guilty (sorry for the redundancy).

That's it...there will be a post everyday...your comments are also apprecitated, so keep 'em coming. Peace...

More Predictions...

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everybody! I hope everybody is remembering the man, his message, and are celebrating the one race that matters…the human race. Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about another race. A race to the NFC crown, which is OVER!!! As everybody knows, the Giants won the NFC last night in one of the most thrilling, legendary games. The Giants are on a legendary playoff run. If they win it all it will rank with the ’69 Mets and ’94 Rangers as one of the most cherished championships any team has won in city history. Those two teams actually were given a chance; this Giants team was NOT given a chance.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (I did that earlier while watching The Best of Nautica Thorn: Asian Sensation), but I did proclaim in my October 25^th article that the Giants had a serious shot to bring home the NFC title. I also have to go back to my December 24^th article when I proclaimed that the Giants can get to the championship, and I was going to bang Danielle Fishel’s (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”) fat ass at a Super Bowl party. This is kinda scary because everything I’m saying is finally coming true! I am going to make some statements in this article because if shit I predict is starting to become true, then I might as well shoot for the stars!

I’m not going to make predictions like “I’m going to bang Jessica Alba” because I don’t own any date rape, drug-filled poison darts. But I am going to make some predictions that seem very unlikely. I hope my readers are patient as these predictions come to fruition (especially this next one):

I will bang Mylie Cyrus (Hannah Montana) when she turns 18, and I will bust a nut simultaneously while her father has a fatal heart attack. Then she will turn over her financial decisions to me.

I can see this happening because in three years, when she’s 18, Laredoslider.com will probably evolve into a full fledged porn site. So I will be on the fast track of being the next Hugh Heffner (except with ho’s with genetically engineered asses).

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, and give Laredoslider.com a exclusive interview where I ask the question, “Have you ever sucked dick before?” She will then cry while giving me head. It’s not like she is going to be the first president to suck dick (zing).

World War III will start when a Jewish man is told by a Muslim man, working at a 7-11, that one bottle of water costs $1.29. The Jewish man says that the sign say “2 for $2”. The Muslim man will say, “Only if you buy two”. This will lead to another thousand years of conflict, including WWIII.

The government will classify chinky-eyed Mexicans as Asians. Because, really, can we tell the difference?

I will be a millionaire in 2008 after rigging the World Series of Poker.

The city of Philadelphia will be bombed, by the United States…nobody will care.

I will get pulled over for no reason, and then I will be asked to get out of the car for no reason.

The New York Mets will win the National League in 2008.

I will learn to become a carpenter and turn Serena William’s ass into a table.

I will invent a new skin care lotion, like Proactiv, and people will use it…until the day I admit that I was just bottling my own jizz…

I will invent a new energy drink, like Red Bull, and people will use it…until, you know

Scientists will genetically engineer a sausage so big; it could feed a whole country. They call it “Laredo’s Dick”.

The national anthem will be replaced by Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”

Derek Jeter admits he’s gay. Then he tells his Yankee teammates to sniff the handles on their bats because “that’s how he rolls”.

Oh yeah…the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl…Eli Manning will have such a good game that he will finally get his own commercials…for erectile dysfunction (but, hey, who cares?). I walk around for 4 hours after the game with an erection, but I will not consult a physician.

Laredo's Hottest Broads Walking the FACE OF THE EARTH, THAT I CAN SEARCH FOR THRU GOOGLE!!!!

I think the writer strike has affected my production. It’s not that I sympathize with these people, and I don’t sympathize with the studios (I do watch movies I don’t pay for…would you rather me be at home talking at the movie loudly, or at a theatre talking at the movie loudly?). It’s the holiday season, and I just want to see everybody get along. I know that the writers aren’t getting their fair cut. There needs to be compromise, or else you will get scabs crossing the picket line, like me. I will write for these TV shows for the same money, no problem. They’ll be better off because of it, too. I will write scenes in Desperate Housewives where a good looking black dude (me) moves on to the block, and causes a ruckus because he gets Eva Longoria pregnant (Desperate Housewives will be considered reality TV, because this good looking brotha (me) will really get Longoria pregnant). This will lead to an episode of Cheaters where Tony Parker suspects his wife of cheating (because of the Escalade-sized condoms in his trash can, and stolen car), only to find that he doesn’t want to bring it to the good looking black guy (me) who is banging out his wife. Must see TV, bitches! Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent…really I want to talk about a contingency plan for the networks if they can’t get good, new programming on the tube. Just assemble five of the hottest honeys, put ‘em in a house with secret cameras, liquor, and plenty of aspirin labeled containers filled with date rape drugs and ecstasy, and call it a day. Who would be the five honeys? That’s what this article is about…THE FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN LIVING NOW!!!!!! (not named Jessica Alba)

I want to do this right. It’s not going to be one through five. I’m just naming five straight up. This is a list of the five hottest girls. In my book, they are all 10 out of 10’s. They are all tied for first. I couldn’t include Alba because she is the obvious. But let’s get started:

Michelle Wie (age 18):

Michelle Wie is like a gallon of milk. You buy it, but really, are you going to drink a gallon of milk before it goes bad? (White people don’t answer). Her shelf life can be questioned. She’s a tall, athletic girl. That means that she will no longer be desirable around age 26 or 27 (she’ll be 6’1”, 170 by then). To top it off, she’s Asian. This is good or bad, depending on how you look at it. She’ll be content with going to Souplantation on special occasions, but she might run you over in your driveway one day. The one thing that Wie can produce, especially if you’re me, is a kid that will be athletic and smart. If I had a chance to “F” Michelle Wie, I would make sure that she swallows only half of my kids, the others will be put to good use (I can see myself now at the 2030 N.B.A. draft). I do think she is hot, and that’s all it takes to be on this list…

Megan Fox (age 21):

Otherwise known as “Mega Fox”, she may be hotter than Alba. She starred in one of the best movies ever (Transformers), and is one of the most stunning women whenever her picture is taken. I really don’t know much about her, other than the fact she was in Transformers, and I the fact I want to do her. Oh yeah, she is engaged to Brian Austin Green (the gay guy, who played himself on 90210). She has six tats (one of the aforementioned homo) which mean she is a freak, in guy language. I should change the name of this article from “Five Hottest Broads” to “Why Brian Austin Green should wear a bulletproof vest”.

Nautica Thorn (age 23)

When I write about these broads, I talk about how I would bang ‘em, and how Michelle Wie would be drinking my kids, etc. The chance of this really happening is small with them. With Ms. Thorn, it is actually pretty good. I just need to come up with the dough. Nautica Thorn is my favorite internet actresses. She’s Asian, like Wie. But she isn’t one of those shifty, math-doing, traffic-fucking up Asians. She’s a put it in any hole, cum-burping, invite your friends Asian. The actual beauty of Nautica is that she is half Jap, a quarter Puerto Rican, and a quarter Hawaiian (which means not only can she hotwire a Honda, she can also cook a pig…which in Black families is a plus).

Vanessa Bryant (age 26)

I have no problem in saying I wanna be like Kobe. LeBron has this commercial where he’s says, “You don’t want to be LeBron James. You wanna be better than Lebron James.” DAAAAMN RIGHT, I wanna be Kobe. I wanna shoot everytime down the court. I want to borderline rape young white ho’s. I wanna have a wife who doesn’t care about either, and still stands by my side, as I keep on doing the same shit. In real life, I wish Vanessa to take out her frustrations of Kobe cheating on her, by cheating on him with me. Then I’ll call up Shaq to get sloppy seconds, and we’ll steal all of Kobe’s memorabilia. Vanessa, if you’re reading this and it turns you on (which it should), shoot me an email.

Vanessa Anne Hudgens (age 18)

I didn’t know who this chick was until tonight. I was looking for a cutting-edge hot chick to be fifth on this list, and I decided on Hannah Montana (I just erased the paragraph, and erased my hard drive). After looking for Hannah Montana pics, I came up on (lol) Vanessa Anne Hudgens. She isn’t in anything I have seen, but she’s hot. This little slut also has a naked pic that surfaced on the internet, which I’m going to post on this site. I think that the picture seals the deal for me. She’s dating some dude who’s smaller than my dick on a 20 degree day. Enjoy the pic: