Signs of the Apocalypse

I was thinking about how good it feels to be a Mets fan today, versus a month and a half ago, when I wrote my last article. The Mets just finished beating the crap outta the Phillies to take first place today, and Carlos Delgado was the hero. The funny thing about the article, last month, was that I called Carlos Delgado a bum (and the season isn't done yet, so he hasn't lifted that tag yet). Since then he's been the catalyst of the Mets offense (he's hitting .307, 11 dongs, 30 ribbies since the article), and the pitching has been phenomenal. So this is starting to look familiar...like the time I wrote the article about the Giants being good enough to win it all in October last year (NO!!!!! Your never going to stop hearing about that!!!). I'm going on a limb right now, and saying that the Mets have what it takes to win the mediocre National League, and who knows? Maybe win it all... But enough about the Mets, because they have been known to shit on my emotions before (and, with their payroll, they should win the NL)...

I have been in Vegas for a while, and every day's temperature averages 106-ish...so I believe the world is going to hell in a hand basket, and all the earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. are proof. I believe in positive and negative energy (drinks) and there are reasons for these phenomenons...

1. Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is putting a stamp on her career that will make her the most successful cast member of Saved by The Bell.

When I watched Saved By the Bell back in the day, I thought that order of hotness of all the girls went like this:

1. Kelly Kapowski
2. Lisa Turtle
3. Jessie Spano

Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) went on to 90210, then disappeared. Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhees) straight up disappeared. The guys on the show Zach Morris and Screech, went on to NYPD Blue and home porn respectively (yes, Screech was in a porno called Saved by the Smell which we will no longer talk about). And the one transsexual cast member, A.C. Slater, is now hosting America Best Dance Crew on MTV (it's amazing...he actually makes J.C. Chasez look straight). Back to the ladies...how has Jessie Spano shot to the top of the charts? First was Showgirls, which came out in 1995 when I was a young boy of only 13 inches. This opened my eyes to the world of after midnight Cinemax. Now she's going to be on the L-Word...a show about carpet eaters on Showtime. I'll never watch this show, but at least the girl is working hard doing things that make sense, like other chicks. Therefore, she is the most accomplished member of the Saved by the Bell crew, which I could have never predicted.

2. Madonna ends A-Rod's marriage

I hate to bring up Kobe in this discussion (because he makes the world a better place), but what happened to the days when a star athlete would put his marriage on the rocks by banging a hooker, stripper, or high school (I mean college) girl , and denying it until his wife forgave him? A-Rod decides to get caught banging Madonna, and it's not like he owns a time machine. She's 35 and not hot anymore. If I'm paying a guy $27 million a year, I want him to mess with a $27 million dollar a year girl (a.k.a. 5 girls every night, using all holes). Otherwise, stick to being married, and don't let your personal life affect the team. Why is he married anyways? All I know is that I can start writing more slanderous articles about gay encounters between him and Derek Jeter, and that's a good thing.


3. NBA players are heading overseas for more money

I could write a real sports article on how the basketball landscape is changing, and how David Stern needs to change the financial structure of the NBA to allow teams to actually make a profit, but that ain't happening. Bottom line is mid-tier players are getting more money to play in Europe (translation: brothas are getting more money to ball in Europe, and we all know how much European ho's love the brothas...BALLIN'!!!!). So, how is this the sign of the apocalypse? Well, lets put it this way...what happens if Ron Artest signs to play in Iran? Then he knocks up the whole female population. Then in twenty-five years, we'll have a Ayatollah Ron Artest Jr....then the United States will have a real problem. This could happen and David Stern needs to step in a prevent this from happening! I mean...the second Ron Artest steps inside of the Iranian border, they officially have a weapon of mass destruction, and we would have to bomb them back to the Stone Age (a.k.a. Iran circa 2006). I know Ron Ron ain't signing there, but some other ignorant brotha will, and the U.S. will feel the wrath if we're not careful.


no photoshop needed...

So there it is...three signs of the apocalypse...actually four, because Carlos Delgado can actually catch up to a belt-high 89 m.p.h. fastball. Let's GO METS!!!

Tell me something I didn't know...GFY Edition

Tell me something I didn't know...

It's a sarcastic cliche that people use all the time...here's another one: Go Fuck Yourself. So today, I bring back an old favorite of mine, the GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) list. The theme will be things I know but am pissed about. Simple enough...

1. The NBA is fixed...

You don't have to look far from last night's NBA Finals game two. I'm not saying Boston didn't deserve to win, but I am saying that the referee's were sooooooooo into the vibe that the home crowd was giving off, they made a ton of calls for the Celtics, and not many for the Lakers. All you have to do is look at the offensive foul they called for Kobe's 2nd foul and look no further. I'm not saying that they were giving calls to the Celtics, but they were calling nothing for the Lakers. I expect the Lakers to get the same calls, in L.A....but in the end it comes down to David Stern...who get's a big GFY.

Update (6:15 P.M. EST) - Tim Donaghy just said that the 2002 Western Conference Semis (Lakers beat the Kings in 7) were fixed by two refs...I remember watching those games and thinking something was up, but something is telling me Donaghy is telling the truth, and the NBA is in deep do-do (shit).

2. Carlos Delgado is a bum

I know that he's almost 36 and regular humans don't get better as they get older, but here are some assumptions about Carlos Delgado that I have to get off my chest (this is after watching him boot a ground ball in yesterday's game in San Diego...yeah, I know he gotta couple of hits, BUT he still a bum). Here are the assumptions (and he's a class act, so it's kinda hard to lower the boom on him, but at LS.com nobody is exempt):

1. I'm under the impression that Carlos was on something...

YES, I am accusing Delgado of juicing. He's smaller than he was when he first came to the Mets, his production has gone down the shitter, and he swings and misses too much. He gets beat with fastballs in places where he didn't before. He wants to get to 500 HR's and is 61 away...Bring the girl ya brought to the dance...the little green homerun hitters (that's a foreshadow for number 3)

2. His passiveness is the reason the Mets are passive.

So we got this big, black guy playing first base...and he's a pussy (well, let's just say I think he's too laid back, but someone can be "laid back" and still have the fire to hustle every play, AND FIELD GROUND BALLS). I do think he is a good human being, but on the baseball field, he's the guy who bridges the gap between the English speaking vets, and the Latin speaking vets. He needs to be on the back page of the paper more often calling people "Gringos" and "Maricons". He needs to show some fire, and he might get angry and start playing better. A good Delgado, plus a healthy Alou, is what makes the lineup go. The Mets have to be the team that NO team is scarred of charging the mound against. There is no edge. If Delgado said more, then the whole team would have more of a bravado, and the Mets would win the NL East.

3. Carlos Delgado isn't the same person as of two years ago...He's really Pedro Cerrano...

Remember in Major League when Pedro Cerrano needed to sacrifice a live chicken to ensure he was going to have a good game? (for those of you too young to remember, it's a must watch...for those of you to young to remember that are female...310-903-3796). Then they got a bucket of KFC instead, and Pedro hit a game tying home run, and the Indians won the AL East. Well Carlos Delgado came to the Mets, hits some home runs, the Mets won the NL East...but it isn't a coincidence. A great sequel was expected in both. Didn't happen. Remember the crapshed movie that was Major League 2? Remember the crapshed season that was 2007 for the Mets? Both had Carlos Cerrano's fingerprints all over them. Remember Major League 3? Ya know about the '08 Mets... So I'm pretty confident that they ARE the same person. When you look at their pictures...it's no wonder they have never been seen in the same place.




See, same guy...So here is a big GFY to Carlos Delgado...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! (translation: I know a good HGH guy..310-903-3796)

Stay tuned for a David Wright/Roger Dorn article in 10 years....

3. The Chicago Bears need a QB

This might be the only "Tell me something I didn't know..." that's super obvious, BUT... here's the issue. Cedric Benson, Chicago's star, bust running back got nailed for driving under the influence TWICE, in Texas, in the last month (once in a boat, once in a car with some big ass rims). Then the Bears released him yesterday(okay...I started off saying the Bears needed a QB...but I don't wanna talk about it...I wanted to take a stance on how certain NFL players get a long leash, and some don't...but I woulda cut this bitchassni**a last year... there is no real purpose for "The Chicago Bears need a QB"...I just think it's time for a run-on sentence in CAPS, even though white people say 'you speak so well', because FUCKDAPOLICE). YA'LL THINK BECAUSE A BROTHA IS DRIVING A BOAT, AND HE'S GOT COGNAG ON BOARD, HE'S DRUNK? LIKE WE PLAN ON CRASHIN DAT SHIT AND SWIMMIN TO SHORE WE PLAN ON DRINKIN YAK BIG PIMPIN, SON WE AIN'T GETTIN OUR GATORS WET OR TAKING SWIMMIN' LESSONS AND SO WHAT I GOT A FRESH LINE UP, FRESH OUTFIT, BOUT TO HAVE THE PARKING LOT ON SMASH YOU AIN'T GOTTA PULL A BROTHER OVER BECAUSE HE GOT A CHEVY WITH A 454 IN THE HOOD, 125 ON DA DASH!!!

(back to 'you speak so well' mode):

Here's a hearty GFY to all Po'lice who got gotta hate on a brotha because he's flossin'...GFY, puercos...

So, GFY's to David Stern and da' Police (who have to have the most GFY's ever), and a GFY to Carlos Pedro Cerrano Delgado....

Peace, and see ya'll, tomorrow?

GFY List...Laredo's Monday QB

Welcome to this week’s installment of the GFY list. For those on the ArmchairGM.com site, this is your first installment (and there are a couple of you who should be on this list). As for the Blogspot audience, you know this is the highlight of my week. GFY of course stands for “Go F Yourself”. I direct this comment to somebody at least 30 times a week, and this Monday morning article helps me vent after a long sports weekend. Let’s not waste anytime and get started.

First, I’ll start off with Derek Jeter

I usually make fun of Derek Jeter for being homosexual, or more white than black (a.k.a. having a small penis), or I call him overrated. The problem is that he is linked to so many girls that he probably isn’t a homo. The New York Post reported he was in Miami, partying with Timbaland, drinking Grey Goose all night. To top it off he has multiple ladies coming and going from his room, but then there’s this quote, from the Post:

Jeter was spotted acting equally detached later that night at Set, where he was "surrounded by throngs of women five rows deep. He was hanging with a guy friend, though, and didn't seem to take much interest in the hordes of ladies."

Check that, he may be a switch hitter. I think that he’s abusing his celebrity. He won 4 rings, and he seems to be happy with that. No sulking about a early exit. No time with Mom and Dad after a long season on the road. None of that. I miss the genuine superstars, like Shawn Kemp. The guys who would try to bang broads in the club. The guys who tanked the season on purpose, just so they could go on vacation. The guys who made every ounce of their celebrity count (except for ounces that were swallowed by the aforementioned club groupies). I think Jeter should let me be in a club, with hordes of ladies. I would show them the real meaning of “five rows deep”. Maybe I’m a little jealous, but Derek, GFY!!!!

Next will be Rockies fans

I will be rooting for the Rockies in the World Series. One thing though, if you’re a true Rockies fan, the oldest you can be is 24. Here’s why…it’s 2007. The Rockies first year was 1993. A kid can’t remember much before age 10, especially in Colorado (people that live in Colorado are 1) crazy, and 2) potheads…they usually pass these traits on to their kids). So, when I go to a bar I don’t wanna hear people saying, “I used to be a Padres fan, but…” (I usually walk away right there). Don’t adopt a team that is not getting back to the World Series in the next 20 years. The only people who can switch teams they root for are Ricky Henderson (he’s a mercenary), and Alyssa Milano (she probably roots for the team of the player she last banged). That’s it! So Rockies fans, over the age of 24, can GFY!!!

Last are the NBA and David Stern

It’s almost painful to know what kind of crap we are going to sit through this year with the NBA. The league is better, but it’s such a long, drawn-out year. The playoffs are as long as the football season (it seems), and to top it off, the league is rigged. I remember when I sat and watched important playoff games, where I wondered if the game was rigged. Then the Tim Donaghy stuff happened. Okay, maybe that’s one guy; an isolated incident. But, now it’s disciplinary actions against six other officials (allegedly) for gambling. Then it’s a fucked up ball that they are trying to bring back in a different fucked up form (are they really trying to save cows…what about the heifers in the club? they ain’t trying to save them). This is a league, with young stars that have character, and the N.B.A. big wigs make the game hard to watch, not the players. David Stern…GFY!!!

So that’s it…I feel better. I’m out…

Thanks David Stern - I Found My New Crack

The N.B.A. finals concluded last night, and I realized we have officially seen the worst season of pro basketball, period...It was so bad, the guys on the ABC Halftime Show were killing the game, not worried about anybody turning it off, because they never started watching...I had to watch, because I'm a fan of the sport...I wanted to see Timmy D pull down an M.V.P., but that didn't happen (the problem with Duncan not winning the M.V.P. is that people will say that he isn't the reason the Spurs win championships...the big man gets soooooo disrespected...Shaq was the MVP two years ago, but Nash won, and Shaq was the reason that the Heat got where they did last year...In know D Wade had a big finals, but getting there, Shaq was huge)...so then the only thing I was waiting for was the celebration once the Spurs won...It was one of the worst celebrations ever...they need to re-sign Stephen Jackson for some good ol', straight up, ignorance, during the post game celebration...I could see TP giving his acceptance speech, with Stephen Jackson droppin' N-bombs in the background that could be heard on national television(Props for Stephen Jackson for having top stories in basketball every summer, and fall...Strip club shoot outs, brawls...I wonder if he has looked into dog fighting he would be a perfect fit...he'll goto jail this summer...oh yeah, why hasn't that strip club video been released yet?!?!? That would be a permanent addition to my MySpace page)

the only "clapping" Stephen Jackson does, without being arrested

...David Stern has f'd up the product soooo much that I went to OnDemand to find something to watch to make me forget the debacle I witnessed...I went to the H.B.O. section. and found a show called 'John from Cinncinnati'...H.B.O. hit another home run...I don't think it hit me that the Sopranos are over, but this show is really good...It's about a surfing family from Imperial Beach, CA...this guy comes from outta nowhere, and miracles are happening all over the place...throw in Al Bundy, in a leading role, and some other degenerates in a seedy hotel, and you got yourself a hit...David Stern could learn a lot from the way H.B.O. does things...they don't limit their writers, or actors, with censorship...David Stern does...they sell their product for 15 dollars a month...to go to an N.B.A. game costs 250 dollars...they appease the people on the East and West Coast with different feeds...David Stern seems to not care about the East at all, starting playoff games at 9:30 at night...David Stern better come up with a plan because next year will be a long year...I'm afraid he's pushing me closer to watching 'The Gilmore Girls' (Artis is in that, right?)

more like Gilmores' Bitches and Ho's...