Summer Snatch - Finals Edition

It seems like every time I take a hiatus from writing my article, I reinvent a part of myself, so I can come back with fresh ideas. But, I'm a guy, so the only thing I have my mind on is sex, sports, food, cars, and drinking...so my ideas are as fresh as Audrey Bitoni's pee flapper after a hard day's work (Ms. Bitoni is the girl above, and if ya thought I matured during my hiatus, then you'll also believe that she is a virgin...in all holes). The sports seasons are changing, though. The NBA Finals just kicked off (the draft is coming up), baseball is in full swing, and hockey just ended. Throw in the French Open and Big Brown's eventual Triple Crown victory and you have a smörgåsbord of phenomenal sporting events. You know what's going on already...but you want predictions. And I got 'em...

Lemme start with the NBA...

We're one game into the Finals, and we're in for a classic. This is what the NBA needed, and I think the Lakers are going to pull it off. But here are the most important storylines to pay attention to:

1. Will Stuart Scott stop threatening viewers, and will his eye finally roll out of his head on live TV?

Stuart Scott is dangerously approaching Chris Berman level...fuck dat...he's at Dane Cook's level. Like Dane Cook, he's not funny, he's long winded, and he's probably been closer to Jessica Alba than I have, which is a travesty. The f'd up thing is before every commercial break he's like, "Don't turn the channel or we'll come to your house and pull the cable out." Word?!?! Please, Stuart, come to my house and try! You probably couldn't see the number on my house with your gooogly eye. Why did they get rid of Dan Patrick? Where is he? FIND HIM AND GET HIM IN THERE!! While we're on the subject of the TV coverage

2. Do all the commentators have to be former Knicks?

Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, Mike Breen, Marv Albert...the list goes on and on. It's not like they are bad commentators, but it just opens the door for a Stephon Marbury/Isaiah Thomas broacasting team in a couple years. I can see it now

Steph: That was a great play by Chris Paul.

Isaiah: It was similar to something I would do back in the day.

S: I know what else you would do back in the day...that 16 year old girl sitting in row 3.

Isaiah: That's it! Your suspneded...until the next commercial break.

S: Let's throw it back to Stuart Scott who's on location at Laredo's house, trying to pull out the cable. Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Hi...I'm at LaredoSlider's house where I just had my good eye stabbed out....

Laredo Slider: BoooYah, muthafucka!!

3. Kobe is a better teammate, and he's got AIDS.

All the commentators are saying, "Kobe's a better teammate", and, "He's one of the guys now". Not true at all...here's the translation: He's not banging out broads in every city he goes to now. That's it. Why is he hanging out with the guys? Because he probably got some disease that doesn't allow him to fuck (wheather they like it or not) girls without getting sued. The only whole in this theory is that if Kobe had AIDS, it would be cured tomorrow.

Anyways...Lakers in 7...I'll talk draft tomorrow...next my baseball prediction

The Cubs and White Sox will play in the World Series, and there will be a bench clearing brawl.

It will be Ozzie Guillen, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Zambrano vs. everybody in the stands and on the field. It'll be great. Pitbulls and chickens will come outta nowhere.

In tennis, Ana Ivanovic will win the French Open, and give me a exclusive interview afterwards.

The interview will be viewable on eskimotube.com...Search for keywords: foreign objects, tennis rackets, trophy, anal, shooting tennis balls, and facial.

Okay...last prediction

Big Brown will win the Triple Crown, only to have it taken away after it is found out that it's just Barry Bonds in a horse costume.

It's obvious the horse is on steroids, and it's named Big Brown. By the way, it's great that the horse is named Big Brown. If Big Brown wins, EVERY BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD HAS TO GO TO A BAR TONIGHT AND USE A PICKUP LINE WITH BIG BROWN IN IT. This is a godsend! I've been practing:

"Did you see the race today? Big Brown won...by 13 inches"

or

"I heard that Big Brown needs a new jockey, and is only auditioning white girls"

or

"Hey, baby...lets go back to my stable, so I can introduce you to Big Brown...but, I must warn you...he spits"

or

"Whoops...wrong hole...but, if you leave a Big Brown spot on my sheets...that's yo ass."

or

"I help you pay for the euthanization of any Little Brown's"

Sorry...abortion isn't a joke. Lemme change the last one.

"If you say that kid is mine...I'll run like Big Brown."

There ya go...now you have a guide to sports for the Summer. I didn't want to make a long article, so I'll give ya another one tomorrow. Some Obama/Clinton things, NBA draft, and a recap of how my pickup lines go...I'm out like Big Brown before he spits in some girls eye....

GFY List...Laredo's Monday QB

Welcome to this week’s installment of the GFY list. For those on the ArmchairGM.com site, this is your first installment (and there are a couple of you who should be on this list). As for the Blogspot audience, you know this is the highlight of my week. GFY of course stands for “Go F Yourself”. I direct this comment to somebody at least 30 times a week, and this Monday morning article helps me vent after a long sports weekend. Let’s not waste anytime and get started.

First, I’ll start off with Derek Jeter

I usually make fun of Derek Jeter for being homosexual, or more white than black (a.k.a. having a small penis), or I call him overrated. The problem is that he is linked to so many girls that he probably isn’t a homo. The New York Post reported he was in Miami, partying with Timbaland, drinking Grey Goose all night. To top it off he has multiple ladies coming and going from his room, but then there’s this quote, from the Post:

Jeter was spotted acting equally detached later that night at Set, where he was "surrounded by throngs of women five rows deep. He was hanging with a guy friend, though, and didn't seem to take much interest in the hordes of ladies."

Check that, he may be a switch hitter. I think that he’s abusing his celebrity. He won 4 rings, and he seems to be happy with that. No sulking about a early exit. No time with Mom and Dad after a long season on the road. None of that. I miss the genuine superstars, like Shawn Kemp. The guys who would try to bang broads in the club. The guys who tanked the season on purpose, just so they could go on vacation. The guys who made every ounce of their celebrity count (except for ounces that were swallowed by the aforementioned club groupies). I think Jeter should let me be in a club, with hordes of ladies. I would show them the real meaning of “five rows deep”. Maybe I’m a little jealous, but Derek, GFY!!!!

Next will be Rockies fans

I will be rooting for the Rockies in the World Series. One thing though, if you’re a true Rockies fan, the oldest you can be is 24. Here’s why…it’s 2007. The Rockies first year was 1993. A kid can’t remember much before age 10, especially in Colorado (people that live in Colorado are 1) crazy, and 2) potheads…they usually pass these traits on to their kids). So, when I go to a bar I don’t wanna hear people saying, “I used to be a Padres fan, but…” (I usually walk away right there). Don’t adopt a team that is not getting back to the World Series in the next 20 years. The only people who can switch teams they root for are Ricky Henderson (he’s a mercenary), and Alyssa Milano (she probably roots for the team of the player she last banged). That’s it! So Rockies fans, over the age of 24, can GFY!!!

Last are the NBA and David Stern

It’s almost painful to know what kind of crap we are going to sit through this year with the NBA. The league is better, but it’s such a long, drawn-out year. The playoffs are as long as the football season (it seems), and to top it off, the league is rigged. I remember when I sat and watched important playoff games, where I wondered if the game was rigged. Then the Tim Donaghy stuff happened. Okay, maybe that’s one guy; an isolated incident. But, now it’s disciplinary actions against six other officials (allegedly) for gambling. Then it’s a fucked up ball that they are trying to bring back in a different fucked up form (are they really trying to save cows…what about the heifers in the club? they ain’t trying to save them). This is a league, with young stars that have character, and the N.B.A. big wigs make the game hard to watch, not the players. David Stern…GFY!!!

So that’s it…I feel better. I’m out…

Thanks David Stern - I Found My New Crack

The N.B.A. finals concluded last night, and I realized we have officially seen the worst season of pro basketball, period...It was so bad, the guys on the ABC Halftime Show were killing the game, not worried about anybody turning it off, because they never started watching...I had to watch, because I'm a fan of the sport...I wanted to see Timmy D pull down an M.V.P., but that didn't happen (the problem with Duncan not winning the M.V.P. is that people will say that he isn't the reason the Spurs win championships...the big man gets soooooo disrespected...Shaq was the MVP two years ago, but Nash won, and Shaq was the reason that the Heat got where they did last year...In know D Wade had a big finals, but getting there, Shaq was huge)...so then the only thing I was waiting for was the celebration once the Spurs won...It was one of the worst celebrations ever...they need to re-sign Stephen Jackson for some good ol', straight up, ignorance, during the post game celebration...I could see TP giving his acceptance speech, with Stephen Jackson droppin' N-bombs in the background that could be heard on national television(Props for Stephen Jackson for having top stories in basketball every summer, and fall...Strip club shoot outs, brawls...I wonder if he has looked into dog fighting he would be a perfect fit...he'll goto jail this summer...oh yeah, why hasn't that strip club video been released yet?!?!? That would be a permanent addition to my MySpace page)

the only "clapping" Stephen Jackson does, without being arrested

...David Stern has f'd up the product soooo much that I went to OnDemand to find something to watch to make me forget the debacle I witnessed...I went to the H.B.O. section. and found a show called 'John from Cinncinnati'...H.B.O. hit another home run...I don't think it hit me that the Sopranos are over, but this show is really good...It's about a surfing family from Imperial Beach, CA...this guy comes from outta nowhere, and miracles are happening all over the place...throw in Al Bundy, in a leading role, and some other degenerates in a seedy hotel, and you got yourself a hit...David Stern could learn a lot from the way H.B.O. does things...they don't limit their writers, or actors, with censorship...David Stern does...they sell their product for 15 dollars a month...to go to an N.B.A. game costs 250 dollars...they appease the people on the East and West Coast with different feeds...David Stern seems to not care about the East at all, starting playoff games at 9:30 at night...David Stern better come up with a plan because next year will be a long year...I'm afraid he's pushing me closer to watching 'The Gilmore Girls' (Artis is in that, right?)

more like Gilmores' Bitches and Ho's...