NY Sports Check - 10/25

New week, same shit. It's almost like the sports world is under a dark spell cast by the Red Sox Nation. We gotta watch them beat the inferior Rockies, amidst the crappy announcing of Tim McCarver. Once they win it will be all over and we can concentrate on the NFL, and hot stove baseball. Whatever...the good thing about being a NY sports fan is that there is always something to talk about. So without further hesistation, NY Sports Check:

1. New York Giants

Why the Giants are number one: The Giants are dominating, and guess what? They have the best shot at winning a championship, out of all the NY teams, at this moment. The reason? Not the improved play of Eli. Not the revamped offensive line. Not the three-headed running attack. And, not the big play capabilities of Plexiglass Buress. It is the defense, but not the talent (even though they are very talented). It's Steve Spagnuolo, the defensive coordinator. Let's be real, these are the Giants, and they play in North Jersey. Do they want a defensive coach named Johnnie Lynn, or Tim Lewis? NO!!!! The Giants should have a defensive coordinator who is a "Pisan". With a name like Spagnuolo, he is a shoe in to be the next Giant coach. He is lauded for his blitz schemes (he refers to them as "hits"). And he is knows how to get his players motivated. I asked Coach Spag on how he keeps his players motivated. He said, "I tell those moulies that they better play or then my cut, of their pay, will go from 10 points to 40 points, and if they don't like that they can go fuck themselves. Forgetaboutit. I'm just a capo right now, but one day I'll be boss of this organization. Coughlin is getting lazy, and we know how those micks like their liquor." Okay, so he didn't say that. But he is the reason why the Giants can win the NFC.

2. New York Yankees

Why the Yanks are number two: The ownership is changing, and for the worse. I hope people realize that George Steinbrenner has no control on what is going on with the Yankees. If he did, then Joe Torre would still be around. He might have some medical condition (like Alzheimer's), and is being used like a pawn by the real controlling owners. The Dolan's are also putting in a bid to buy the YES Network, which means they want the team eventually (Forbes values the Yankees at 1.5 billion, and the YES Network at 3.5 billion). If the Dolan's get control, Suzyn Waldman will file a sexual harrasment suit, and will win. That's how inept and unprofessional the sports side of the Dolan empire has been so far (anybody accused of sexually harrasing Suzyn Waldman should be castrated). Oh yeah, they're looking for a manager who will take the worst job in baseball, the replacement of Joe Torre. Ha!! I feel a lost decade on the horizon.

3. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number three: Because they are in the middle of a quarterback controversy. Pennington is good, but they know Pennington already. They should play Kellen Clemens at QB and tank the season. With a high draft pick, they can get a player who is a gamebreaker, and they have zero of those right now. This is a classic example of the downs a team experiences after a year where they had an easy schedule.

4. New York Knicks

A lot of publications are picking the Knicks to miss the playoffs. I think it's more of an attack on the character of Isaiah Thomas than an attack on the actual talent of the roster. This is a team that is hard to match-up with and they are all 25 through 28 years old (with some exceptions), and they're maturing to the point where they can win 8 to 10 more games this year. They play hard for Isaiah. Oh yeah, if David Stern takes action against Isaiah, he has to take action against Kobe Bryant. Bryant settled with a "rape" victim and it's not like he didn't have sex with that girl (ho). I hope the Knicks do their thing this year and prove everybody (except me) wrong.

5. The Hockey Teams

Why are they number five: Last week I suggest that the NHL melt the ice and have brothas shoot from the stands at the players, just to make the sport interesting. I know that this will never happen, but last time I checked, there were no metal detectors in NHL arenas.

6. New York Mets

Why they are number six: I know the Yanks are in trade talks with anybody, and everybody. We better be doing the same thing. We also need to hire Wally Backman to be on our coaching staff. A lot of what the Mets were missing last year, is instilled in Backman. He is a Mets great who should get more respect within the organization, and I think he could be a great first base coach.

7. New Jersey Nets

Why they are number seven: They have a great backcourt, and I like a couple of their young players. Their front line is definatly underrated as well. But, still, they're boring. Their stars are not likeable (except Richard Jefferson), and they play in a dead arena. This will be their best team since they went to the finals, but whodafuckcares.

That's it...Go GIANTS!!!!

Laredo Slider's NYC Sports Check

Sports check time!!! Just in case you thought my balls were cut off because of my last blog (who though I would be a fan of The Bachelor?), I am going to talk sports today. Just a quick rundown on what’s going on in NYC area sports. Let’s get crackin’:

1. New York Yankees

Why the Yankees are number one this week: They may somehow spurn one of the greatest managers in the game’s history (Joe Torre), the best player in the game (A-Rod), and the best closer of all-time (Mariano Rivera). Jorge Posada will also test free agency. They still have a propensity for making big moves and they gotta do something. They are the Yankees.

Laredo’s Take: Why do the Yankees always steal the headlines?!?! The big story is not what they’re going to do. I know what they’re going to do. They’re going to keep Torre, A-Rod, and Posada. Mo Rivera will get a ridiculous offer from another team, and might have to take it. But here’s the real story: Two scantily dressed girls came out of Derek Jeter’s Florida condo in the morning this week. They tried to get their car from the valet and they found out they had to pay for parking. Derek doesn’t validate supposedly, and these girls were pissed. This is what I called the Ryan Seacrest move. Have two girls dressed like hookers, leave your pad. Then it looks like you’re not a homo. If I’m the Yankee captain, these broads are walking out of my crib limping, with sore tonsils. When the newspaper asks them for the story, the only quote would be, “Burp”. You know Jeter wasn’t hitting that shit right, and I can see right through his ploy. Sorry Derek, I know you still blow cock.

2. New York Football Giants

Why the Jints are number two this week: This team looks good, but they are a little inconsistent. The running game is still there, the QB looks good, and the D is a big play D. Throw in a weak schedule, and there is no reason the Jints shouldn’t make the playoffs.

Laredo’s Take: I wonder if this season comes with Vaseline, because I know this team is gonna F me. I’m just waiting for the next big injury. Shockey is due for a season ending injury, sooner or later. Eli will start throwing INT’s like Jeter throws transvestites outta his pad. The offensive line has been good, but that’s going down the shitter, like a Shawn Merriman drug test. I can’t wait until Mets spring training.

3. Rangers, Islanders, Devils

Why the hockey teams number three: The start of the hockey season is here, and nobody cares. I’m just giving them a little exposure.

Laredo’s Take: They need to change the rules. First melt the ice, turn the rink into a pool. Get rid of the skates and give the players fins. Give the fans guns. Invite brothas. Change the name from the NHL to the ‘Shooting Fish in a Barrel League’ or the ‘CBL’ (Cracka Barrel League).

4. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number four: They play in the NFL, and that’s the best sports league in the world.

Laredo’s Take: They suck soooooooooooo bad right now. No big time players. Tough schedule. It’s not in the cards for Gang Green. They need to start the kid at QB. Pennington is a good QB when there is a good team around him, but this team sucks. They need to get ready for next year. But we could fill the Meadowlands with water and give the fans guns…

5. New Jersey Nets

Why the Nets are number five: They have a Hall of Fame point guard.

Laredo’s Take: They have a Hall of Fame point guard, who was accused of grouping a girl in a NYC nightclub, a couple of days ago. She accussed him of coming up to her a grabbing her crotch. She is obviously lying (or it was one of those no-look crotch grabs that J.K. is known for...and he's not blowing kisses to his kids before foul shots, he's smelling his fingers). Guys don’t do that. We ask for your number, and if you don’t give it to us, you’re obviously a lesbian. The only chronicled crotch grabbing incident was O.J., and the witness never showed up to back up that claim.

6. New York Knickerbockers

Why: No arrests, injuries, or lawsuits this week.

Laredo’s Take: Isaiah is laying low before he announces the signing of Bin Laden. Oh, and I love the fact that people think that we can trade for Kobe Bryant. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! We’ll give them Allan Houston, Nate Robinson, and Bin Laden. I have a feeling that if the Knicks get off to a bad start, then Isaiah will put the season into “Auto-Tank” mode.

No Mets this week, because they have no relevancy right now. The sting of the season is gone, but they officially are in the “Sports Check” doghouse. I’m out like Derek Jeter’s transvestite hookers in the morning.

Phuck Philly - Laredo's Picks of Da Week

I feel like Patrick Ewing. I’m Jamaican. I sweat a lot. I make claims that usually come back to bite me in the ass. Example of things that have come out of my mouth in the last year that makes me feel like the great Knicks center:

“Suck my dick. the Mets have the best lineup in baseball. I’ll bet you they win the NL East this year. Enough about the Mets. That girl over there wants some chocolate, and I’m going to give it to her.”

Or:

“Go fuck yourself. The Knicks should make the playoffs this year. Curry, Frye, Marbury, Crawford, Q. We’re stacked. I may be drunk, but I think Isaiah is leading us in the right direction.” (Proceed to throw up)

Or, how ‘bout this one:

“I think Chris Collinsworth and Tiki Barber like to play hide the sausage. I don’t think the Giants are going to be as bad as people they say, and Eli is going to have a breakout year. We’ll make the playoffs. Get me another Heineken, bitch.”

So here comes something that P-Ew said (after game sixes in the eastern conference finals in ’94 and ’95), that I’m going to say now:

SEE YOU ON SUNDAY!!!!

And I’m talking to the dirty-ass city to the south, Philadelphia.

I know the NL East is going to come down to Sunday (and maybe Monday), and the Mets are winning today, and tomorrow. I guarantee it. The Phillies don’t have the fortitude to sweep the Nationals. Pat Burrell is a fat fuck, Ryan Howard is a fat fuck, and Jimmy Rollins is a switch-hitter in more ways than one. They’re not going to sweep the Nationals.

Also, the Giants are going to shit on the Eagles. Not only do the Eagles have the worst throwbacks in the history of sports. Their fans are gay, and so is the QB. The G-men will end the Eagles season tomorrow. Strahan will have 3 sacks, and once all these scientific predictions come true, Philly will have one sack (of yours truly) in their mouth. So that leads me to Laredo’s Predictions for Sunday:

Birds at Jints (+3) (O/U 47)

The national game on NBC tomorrow night. We’ll hear so much trash talk from Tiki, Olbermann, Collinsworth, and Costas about the Giants that will get them fired up. We’ll find out what an imposter Donovan McNabb is (he’s not Irish). And he won’t be lucky, either. Philly’s D is softer than Lindsay Lohan’s left litty. Eli’s line will look like this: 25-38, 320, 3 Tds, 1 int. Derrick Ward will have a buck twenty rushing. Giants slap the Birds like a south Philly hooker…24-16

Green Bay at Minny (+2) (37.5)

I love a team that has no option but to rush the ball (Minnesota), and I love chicks that rush at my balls. I love a team that has a great home field advantage, in the dome (Minnesota), and I love chicks that give good dome. Farve comes back to earth and has a 3 interception day. Adrian Peterson runs wild. Minnesota wins 20-17

Chicago at Detroit (+3) (45)

The Bears are going to Brian Griese (who we’ll refer to as QB #2, cause we WILL see a Kyle Orton appearance this year). QB #2 will have a safe game because Lovie Smith won’t let him throw the ball willy-nilly (otherwise known as “Me Hitting It from Behind, and Since I’m Going Raw, I Don’t Wanna Bust in this Bitch” game). The Bears will be so predictable tomorrow, and the Lions will take advantage. The Lions will also put points on the board, the Bears D is overrated (see last weeks predictions, thank you very much). Look for the Bears RBs to put the ball on the floor. Lions eat the Bears 27-10 (stick a fork in the Bears).

Seattle at San Francisco (+2) (40.5)

San Fran gets no respect. They were in the game for three quarters against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then got beat by a really good team in the fourth quarter. Alex Smith gets going tomorrow (nobody talks about how much of a bust he has been), and Frank gore’s the Puget Puke 21-10.

Patrick Ewing was one and one in the “See You on Sunday” games. I’m going two and zero. If I don’t, I’ll be in your local bar saying, “Lick my balls. The only team that made better moves than the Rangers in the off-season are the Knicks. MSG is back, baby!”

Why women like to throw the word "stalker" around

I do live in Hollywood, and actually met this young woman (Alyssa Milano, for those without dicks), and she hugged me. I think that when she hugged me, i gave her the impetus to have a Black Bat in her hand, like she does in the last picture (yes, capitalizing Black Bat is grammatically correct, for me). When I talked to her, she said she didn't like the Mets, and I wonder if she is doing this to send me a message. My bail will probably be set at $50,000 the first time, and if I take a couple of years off, I hope everybody understands.

What kind of Blog Junkie am I? West Coast Edition

Sorry for the hiatus, but there this weekend was a busy one...really, I was hungover on Sunday morning, and I wasn't intending on posting on Saturday (due to two events unfolding on Sunday, the U.S. Open, and Mets-Yankees)...this weekend was a classic sports weekend, one of the best, and even included an appearance from our boy, Pacman...

So...where do I start? It's gotta be Mets-Yankees, and yes I am a huge Met fan (i had baseballs autographed by Kelvin Torve, Pat Howell, Shawn Hare, and Chris Donnells, even though I lost 'em, by playing with 'em)...i hate the Yankees, but there is no franchise, in the world, that compares, and I want my franchise to be just like the Yankees (I love the history of baseball, it fills up probably half of my head, which means that a quarter of my brain has Yankee history in it)...going into game 1, I realized that there is a good chance that the Mets could be humbled this weekend...the first game was a beauty with Roger Clemens locking up with Oliver Perez in a good pitchers duel...a decent amount of baserunners, and action, with the game ending up 2-0 Mets...the second game was a mess with the Yankees winning 11 to 8, and they won on Sunday night as well 8 to 2...I don't want harp on these games, because they were predictable... a hot team ran into a cold team and took two outta three, just like their first series...but there are a couple of things the Mets must do:

(1) Get rid of Heilman

For an eighth-inning setup man...he doesn't miss as many bats as I would like...he has a good sinker that gets ground balls, as long as he keeps it down, and has a good change..but these aren't working on a regular basis, which means he is a good seventh-inning guy...Rick Peterson has done a good job with him, but before Rick Peterson, he was absolutely meat...trade him now while his stock is high enough to get something of value...

(2) Do Not Trade Carlos Gomez

So Peter Gammons comes on ESPN and says that there are talks about the Mets trading for Mark Buherle, or Brad Lidge (to steal a line from one of my favorite radio personalities, Joe Beningo: "By the way, when has Peter Gammons ever been right.") ... the thing is, as a big market team, we shouldn't have to trade to get guys like these two...we can get them in free agency, when we need to...i would like to get guys like this, but not a the cost of a guy who looks like he's gonna be 20-45 for years to come...

(3) Mets fans, don't panic

We've been here before, and this team is too good to finish second...we can be spoiled by last year's cake walk...a little adversity will tell us what we have for the long haul, and Omar will have a better idea how to make his melting pot better...




U.S. Open

The other great watch of the weekend was Tiger Woods, and the U.S. Open...i enjoyed this event not only because we had a chance to see Tiger come from behind, and win for the first time ever, but I was so hung over, and there is nothing more relaxing than watching (listening) to golf, on a beanbag chair...the only thing I will say is that the courses in the U.S. Open shouldn't play so rigid (that 17 was brutal), and congrats to the guy who won....whatever his name was....

The Stephen Jackson Awards UPDATE!!!!!

Stephen Jackson pleaded guilty to whatever he did last...he's avoiding one year of jail, if the judge accepts the plea bargain...which means that (1) its good to have a good lawyer, and (2) he's going to need the lawyer again, soon...

Pacman is going to steal the show this summer, as he was involved with another shooting at a strip club...and again, he wasn't the trigger man, etc...it seems somebody from his crew fired shots at somebody else and the cops are looking for him to ask him some questions...some scenario it seems from last time... but if he gets himself banned for life from the NFL, we are going to name this award after him, kind of a lifetime achievement award...Good Luck, Pacman!!!

It's kind of a sad story, but J.R. Smith, of the New Orleans Hornets, might have lock up the SJA based on the fact that he may be tried for vehicular homicide in the accident that claimed the life of his best friend, in N.J.... Both were thrown out of Smith's Yukon after Smith ran a stop sign...I'm not going to make light of this situation but let me call in Andrew Bogut, of the Milwaukee Bucks, to tell you how it is in the N.B.A., and why the league still has a bunch of knuckle heads in it:

"The public's image of NBA players is true," he says. "A lot of them get caught up in the hype and do video clips with rappers and all that crap. They want bling bling all over themselves and drive fast cars. But that's just the way the culture is in America - if you've got it flaunt it and if you don't, you can't."

There are guys who drop a hundred grand for a chain. The public's got it right - a lot of NBA stars are arrogant and like to spend lots of money and have lots of girlfriends and all that.(Sydney Morning Herald)

Bogut is quickly becoming one of my favorite (favourite) players...he seems to get it, and is a rugged center who doesn't get much press...he does everything asked of him, and will be a problem for a lot of teams in the future...I'll assign points for J.R. Smith's mishap in the next update, which if you ask Bogut, will probably be tomorrow...