NY Sports Check - 10/25

New week, same shit. It's almost like the sports world is under a dark spell cast by the Red Sox Nation. We gotta watch them beat the inferior Rockies, amidst the crappy announcing of Tim McCarver. Once they win it will be all over and we can concentrate on the NFL, and hot stove baseball. Whatever...the good thing about being a NY sports fan is that there is always something to talk about. So without further hesistation, NY Sports Check:

1. New York Giants

Why the Giants are number one: The Giants are dominating, and guess what? They have the best shot at winning a championship, out of all the NY teams, at this moment. The reason? Not the improved play of Eli. Not the revamped offensive line. Not the three-headed running attack. And, not the big play capabilities of Plexiglass Buress. It is the defense, but not the talent (even though they are very talented). It's Steve Spagnuolo, the defensive coordinator. Let's be real, these are the Giants, and they play in North Jersey. Do they want a defensive coach named Johnnie Lynn, or Tim Lewis? NO!!!! The Giants should have a defensive coordinator who is a "Pisan". With a name like Spagnuolo, he is a shoe in to be the next Giant coach. He is lauded for his blitz schemes (he refers to them as "hits"). And he is knows how to get his players motivated. I asked Coach Spag on how he keeps his players motivated. He said, "I tell those moulies that they better play or then my cut, of their pay, will go from 10 points to 40 points, and if they don't like that they can go fuck themselves. Forgetaboutit. I'm just a capo right now, but one day I'll be boss of this organization. Coughlin is getting lazy, and we know how those micks like their liquor." Okay, so he didn't say that. But he is the reason why the Giants can win the NFC.

2. New York Yankees

Why the Yanks are number two: The ownership is changing, and for the worse. I hope people realize that George Steinbrenner has no control on what is going on with the Yankees. If he did, then Joe Torre would still be around. He might have some medical condition (like Alzheimer's), and is being used like a pawn by the real controlling owners. The Dolan's are also putting in a bid to buy the YES Network, which means they want the team eventually (Forbes values the Yankees at 1.5 billion, and the YES Network at 3.5 billion). If the Dolan's get control, Suzyn Waldman will file a sexual harrasment suit, and will win. That's how inept and unprofessional the sports side of the Dolan empire has been so far (anybody accused of sexually harrasing Suzyn Waldman should be castrated). Oh yeah, they're looking for a manager who will take the worst job in baseball, the replacement of Joe Torre. Ha!! I feel a lost decade on the horizon.

3. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number three: Because they are in the middle of a quarterback controversy. Pennington is good, but they know Pennington already. They should play Kellen Clemens at QB and tank the season. With a high draft pick, they can get a player who is a gamebreaker, and they have zero of those right now. This is a classic example of the downs a team experiences after a year where they had an easy schedule.

4. New York Knicks

A lot of publications are picking the Knicks to miss the playoffs. I think it's more of an attack on the character of Isaiah Thomas than an attack on the actual talent of the roster. This is a team that is hard to match-up with and they are all 25 through 28 years old (with some exceptions), and they're maturing to the point where they can win 8 to 10 more games this year. They play hard for Isaiah. Oh yeah, if David Stern takes action against Isaiah, he has to take action against Kobe Bryant. Bryant settled with a "rape" victim and it's not like he didn't have sex with that girl (ho). I hope the Knicks do their thing this year and prove everybody (except me) wrong.

5. The Hockey Teams

Why are they number five: Last week I suggest that the NHL melt the ice and have brothas shoot from the stands at the players, just to make the sport interesting. I know that this will never happen, but last time I checked, there were no metal detectors in NHL arenas.

6. New York Mets

Why they are number six: I know the Yanks are in trade talks with anybody, and everybody. We better be doing the same thing. We also need to hire Wally Backman to be on our coaching staff. A lot of what the Mets were missing last year, is instilled in Backman. He is a Mets great who should get more respect within the organization, and I think he could be a great first base coach.

7. New Jersey Nets

Why they are number seven: They have a great backcourt, and I like a couple of their young players. Their front line is definatly underrated as well. But, still, they're boring. Their stars are not likeable (except Richard Jefferson), and they play in a dead arena. This will be their best team since they went to the finals, but whodafuckcares.

That's it...Go GIANTS!!!!

Phuck Philly - Laredo's Picks of Da Week

I feel like Patrick Ewing. I’m Jamaican. I sweat a lot. I make claims that usually come back to bite me in the ass. Example of things that have come out of my mouth in the last year that makes me feel like the great Knicks center:

“Suck my dick. the Mets have the best lineup in baseball. I’ll bet you they win the NL East this year. Enough about the Mets. That girl over there wants some chocolate, and I’m going to give it to her.”

Or:

“Go fuck yourself. The Knicks should make the playoffs this year. Curry, Frye, Marbury, Crawford, Q. We’re stacked. I may be drunk, but I think Isaiah is leading us in the right direction.” (Proceed to throw up)

Or, how ‘bout this one:

“I think Chris Collinsworth and Tiki Barber like to play hide the sausage. I don’t think the Giants are going to be as bad as people they say, and Eli is going to have a breakout year. We’ll make the playoffs. Get me another Heineken, bitch.”

So here comes something that P-Ew said (after game sixes in the eastern conference finals in ’94 and ’95), that I’m going to say now:

SEE YOU ON SUNDAY!!!!

And I’m talking to the dirty-ass city to the south, Philadelphia.

I know the NL East is going to come down to Sunday (and maybe Monday), and the Mets are winning today, and tomorrow. I guarantee it. The Phillies don’t have the fortitude to sweep the Nationals. Pat Burrell is a fat fuck, Ryan Howard is a fat fuck, and Jimmy Rollins is a switch-hitter in more ways than one. They’re not going to sweep the Nationals.

Also, the Giants are going to shit on the Eagles. Not only do the Eagles have the worst throwbacks in the history of sports. Their fans are gay, and so is the QB. The G-men will end the Eagles season tomorrow. Strahan will have 3 sacks, and once all these scientific predictions come true, Philly will have one sack (of yours truly) in their mouth. So that leads me to Laredo’s Predictions for Sunday:

Birds at Jints (+3) (O/U 47)

The national game on NBC tomorrow night. We’ll hear so much trash talk from Tiki, Olbermann, Collinsworth, and Costas about the Giants that will get them fired up. We’ll find out what an imposter Donovan McNabb is (he’s not Irish). And he won’t be lucky, either. Philly’s D is softer than Lindsay Lohan’s left litty. Eli’s line will look like this: 25-38, 320, 3 Tds, 1 int. Derrick Ward will have a buck twenty rushing. Giants slap the Birds like a south Philly hooker…24-16

Green Bay at Minny (+2) (37.5)

I love a team that has no option but to rush the ball (Minnesota), and I love chicks that rush at my balls. I love a team that has a great home field advantage, in the dome (Minnesota), and I love chicks that give good dome. Farve comes back to earth and has a 3 interception day. Adrian Peterson runs wild. Minnesota wins 20-17

Chicago at Detroit (+3) (45)

The Bears are going to Brian Griese (who we’ll refer to as QB #2, cause we WILL see a Kyle Orton appearance this year). QB #2 will have a safe game because Lovie Smith won’t let him throw the ball willy-nilly (otherwise known as “Me Hitting It from Behind, and Since I’m Going Raw, I Don’t Wanna Bust in this Bitch” game). The Bears will be so predictable tomorrow, and the Lions will take advantage. The Lions will also put points on the board, the Bears D is overrated (see last weeks predictions, thank you very much). Look for the Bears RBs to put the ball on the floor. Lions eat the Bears 27-10 (stick a fork in the Bears).

Seattle at San Francisco (+2) (40.5)

San Fran gets no respect. They were in the game for three quarters against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then got beat by a really good team in the fourth quarter. Alex Smith gets going tomorrow (nobody talks about how much of a bust he has been), and Frank gore’s the Puget Puke 21-10.

Patrick Ewing was one and one in the “See You on Sunday” games. I’m going two and zero. If I don’t, I’ll be in your local bar saying, “Lick my balls. The only team that made better moves than the Rangers in the off-season are the Knicks. MSG is back, baby!”