Hooker-Off Update

Ivanovic wins...Sharapova wins...finals tomorrow..

People know I'm half-Jamaican, but what people don't know is that I'm three quarters Hatian. I come from a long line of Voodoo practicing, witch doctors. After writing yesterday's article, I said to myself, "I wonder if I can use Voodoo to F one of these girls?" So I called my witch doctor aunt. I asked her if it was possible to "F" somebody from 8,000 miles away. She said yes...find out what nationality they are, make a food dish from their country, and stick your dick in it. So now I had to figure out which one of these broads I wanted to "F", and I wanted to do it while they were playing on T.V. They are all Eastern Bloc, and the only dish I could make from their countries was a shot of vodka. I called my aunt and asked her if that meant I could F them all at the same time. She said maybe, but I might accidentally "F" Vladimir Radmonivic, so I had to pass. Then I remembered Jelena Jankovic had those chinky eyes! I ran to the cupboard, poured vodka, soy sauce, duck sauce, nail polish, and a roll of film all into a wok, and stuck my dick in it... It worked, and I have the proof:

First of all, my dick was burning, so I wondered if I channeled some other Asian-hooker type, but then, in the middle of the first set Jankovic started showing signs of getting F'd:

I wanted to take it easy on her, but I couldn't help myself. She was obviously puzzled wondering how somebody could do this, so then she called in a trainer:

The trainer didn't understand what Jankovic was talking about, but I knew. She pleaded with the side judge saying, "A dick this big is fucking me. How do you expect me to play tennis?"

Nobody understood her because of her heavy accent, and because I figured out how to channel her mouth. I also channeled her ass, and after I was done there, she lost control of her ability to "stop from going number 2". She had to take a timeout in the locker room:

So, I've done everything I wanted to do...now it's time for the grand finale. No eye will be spared...POW, right in the kisser...

I guess I should stay a talk a little after such an intimate encounter, but it would look silly for me to talk into a wok. Anyways, that's what trainers are for:

Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08

There are a lot of "dead" sports in the world. Sports nobody cares about because the quality isn't what it used to be. Sports, like boxing and tennis, that don't have the larger-than-life personalities. Sports that are shown on pay-per-view and aren't worth Americas hard earned bucks. And my biggest pet peeve, late starting and late ending events. Seriously, if an event ends at 2 in the morning, why would I want to watch it? The only event I want to watch is some Skinimax action, or some old-fashioned Internet porn, then I want to go to sleep with my hands in my pants. If sports are going to be on so late, maybe they should combine the allure of Skinimax with the skill of women's athletics. That is my idea, but I think the Women's Tennis Association stole it from me.

Late last night (around 12), I was flipping through channels and somehow stopped at the Australian Open, where Venus Williams was playing Ana Ivanovic. I probably stopped because the Williams sisters are historic athletes, and I wanted to see what was going on (I just lied, sorry). Truth is, I ALWAYS stop when I'm flipping through the channels, and spot women's tennis. I'm a product of the Kournikova Era, so that's the way it is. What happened was that Ivanovic beat Venus, and advanced to the semi's of the Australian Open. She also gave me a semi. She's actually pretty hot. So I'm thinking she might be one of the few hot tennis players. Then, ESPN showed the other three semi-finalist contestants (which caused gave me a semi times three, plus the first semi, which means I pitched a tent that looked like the Superdome). Maria Sharapova was one of the semi-causing finalists, unknowns Daniela Hantuchova and Jelena Jankovic were the others. I noticed they are all from the Eastern Bloc area, and when I Google'd all these ho's, they all have provocative pictures. Let's break down the semi-finals...in the Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08:

Maria Sharapova


VS.

Jelena Jankovic



Analysis: If I had to pick one to marry, it would be Sharapova. If I had to pick one to "F", it would be Jankovic. She seems sluttier, and Sharapova knows too much English. Judging by Jankovic's slanty-eyes, she might have some Asian in her. So her versatility in role playing goes all the way to Asian hooker. Jankovic also seems like the type of girl who will allow you to stick tennis balls where the sun don't shine. She also might get turned on by tennis rackets to the back of the head...Sharapova not so much.

Advantage: Jankovic

next match:

Daniela Hantuchova


vs.

Ana Ivanovic



This is a great battle, but just like the last one, Hantuchova is a little too white bread for me. She's hot, but Ivanovic is hotter. First of all, she isn't skinny like Hantuchova. Second of all, she is not as pale. Third of all, I found this picture of Ana lying in bed, just waiting for me to "f' her.


Notice the tennis racket on the right side. Any girl that brings a tennis racket to bed can cause me to throw my XBOX 36o out the window...she screaming for me to turn that handle brown. I hope everybody watches the semifinals (even thought they will be in the middle of the night). If you see Ana Ivanovic walking funny, with a tennis racket with a brown handle, just remember Laredo Wuz There.

Advantage: Ivnaovic