You don't look like a Santonio, homes

Santonio Holmes, star wide out for the Pittsburg Steelers was charged with marijuana possession, and has been suspended by the Steelers for the mega match up against my Giants on Sunday. As a big Giants fan, I'm not happy that he was suspended because I like to play against the best at full strength, all the time. It's the best way to know what you really have. He will be missed, but there is another injustice in this case. Why was Santonio pulled over? I'll refer to the ESPN.com article:

Police stopped Holmes, who was driving a dark sport-utility vehicle with out-of-state license plates. Officers in the area had been alerted that a similar vehicle was believed to be carrying a large amount of drugs. Holmes' vehicle matched the description but was not the one police were seeking, Griffith said.

fgjagblabdjfbljblbjlbfjlblfl aabjajreygqr;yljqlyjrrljtqlrtjqlet (sorry...a little frustrated)....the funny thing is that the po'lice have been looking for this car for the last 40 years (before there were SUV's)!!!!!!!! And how did they know that there was a SUV with a large amount of drugs in it? Did they watch someone put those drugs into the SUV, and decided to let them drive away, without arresting them? Was there a sting where the undercover officer sold drugs to some guy in a SUV with out-of-state plates, and they failed to make the arrest? I know the answer to both questions, and it's called profiling. He's lucky he was in a town where they knew who he was, because in any other town the officer would look at him funny once he said his name was Santonio Holmes. They would probably think he was a gang banger from L.A. or something...

By the way...Holmes didn't have his license on him and I am willing to bet that he doesn't have a legal license right now. This is probably the beginning of a long story, which will end up with Holmes playing for the Raiders sooner, or later.

Sunday Laredo 10/19/08

Time to open the Sunday Laredo Times! I had all the sections last week, but didn't have the crossword or comics. This week I'll have the crossword and comics, but none of the other sections, except sports. Enjoy!

Crossword








Sorry for the layout, but this was the best crossword I could find...


Comics


'Obama and Biden'



Sorry, kind of hard to read. The three Biden lookalikes are the guy from America's Scariest Police Chases, Jim Carrey's Mask character, and Bob Barker. This is kind of a response to Gov. Palin's appearance on Saturday Night Live, last night. She was wearing these hooker boots that looked kinda hot, but this will be the height of her fame.


Time for picks:


Tennessee (-9) at Kansas City

Kansas City will be able to hang in this game because Tennessee's offense isn't dynamic (24th overall in the NFL). They will not pull away in this game...Kansas City to cover.


B'More (+3) at Miami

Miami is playing with confidence, and they're angry (and they have a quarterback). The Ravens are a little nicked up on D, the O-line is also struggling, and Joe Flacco might have hit the wall in week 6. M.I.A. to cover.


Dallas (-7) at St. Louis

Dallas hasn't been playing well, and cohesion is a major problem. No cohesion = turnovers = not covering. I like St. Louis last week, and now Marc Bulger has another toy to play with, in rookie wideout Donnie Avery...who happened to be the first reciever taken in the draft. I think confidence and momentum will allow this game to be close, but the 'Boys should win...Rams cover.


San Francisco (+10.5) at NY Giants

I thought I wasn't going to pick this game, but I am confident that the Giants will rebound like the champions they are. We're going to run, run, run. Steve Spagnuolo is going to dial up some pressure, because the Giants aren't getting ANY takeaways, and that shit's gotta stop. Eli will spread the ball around, instead of trying to force the ball to Plax. Giants 38 Niners -2. No, I haven't learned my lesson.
LET'S GET THOSE NINERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Talk About Love

This is a weird post because I plan on not editing it, re-reading it, or anything. Just a rant.

I love the Giants and really thought they were going to roll on the Browns, but I was wrong. I have owned up to it, but I love them, so take any gambling advice regarding the Giants with a grain of salt. As for the report card for the game:

Giants Offense: gaghlgjlgaDJLKGJLGJLGJLELJGJL
Giants D: erlgjar;wl arglerl;gjawergjaerg;lgjkae gyj'aeftgyjar;ygja
Giants Special Teams: jdra ;lgalwgtjawrlg jarl;gare;gjareg;jarg;l
Giants Coaching: gh ar;gtjawroygjr;ygja4o;ryja;yj4oyuj4rgu8j40tgufhj4ay0hj45yh54GTOANGRLJRV45OH

Overall: D-

Next, Red Sox...trading Manny...dumb. Fans, even dumber. Eff Boston, Eff the Sox. I never root for anybody to get hurt, but I hope Josh Beckett gets to pitch and gets rocked, and gets sooooooooooo pissed that he decides to repeatedly slam his right arm in a car door...while the car is sinking to the bottom of a lake. People will say 'Manny can't pitch and that's what the Red Sox' problem is'. Eff dat!!! This team has no balls, and Manny is like the Kellen Winslow of the postseason...

Red Sox Report Card: A...because I enjoy seeing them getting their heads bashed in BY A TEAM THAT DOESN'T RESPECT THEM!!!!

Next, Pacman "call me Adam, because I'm reformed...oh shit! I'm suspended again" Jones. I don't think that he should be suspended for life. Only for the rest of the year. I do think the Cowboys should say, "oh, Pacman is suspended from playing. Meet our new head coach! Pacman F'n Jones!!!!" He would be better than fatboy Wade Phillips. What would be better? Seeing Wade Phillips jumping for joy after tying the Cardinals on Sunday, or Coach Pacman giving the throat slash to the Cardinals sideline after tying the Cardinals on Sunday. What's better? Seeing the coordinators in the box, calling plays, doing what they do? Or a tinted out skybox where the only coordinating going on is what ho's get in the skybox, and what play to T.O. are they going to call next? It's obvious, and the best thing would be that Jason Whitten would get released for no reason, just so Pacman can put his boy on the roster. By the way, if Wade Phillips was the fifth Ghostbuster and at the end of GB1 when they had to clear their minds, or meet their doom to whatever they were thinking (which was the Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man), wouldn't everybody be f'd because he be thinking of a McRib Sandwich the size of the solar system? Yup.

And while we are on the subject of ghetto cuisine, why does Ryan Howard have to do those Subway commercials for their Big Philly Cheesesteak? As a baseball player, I had to defend the fact that baseball players workout, and then there was the steroid era which helped me build my case that baseball players are into physical fitness. Then I turn on my f'n TV and see a fat brother with a bat in his hands and a greasy ass cheesesteak behind him. Oh, and he happens to strike out 2 billion times a year, and I've seen pop flys that he couldn't get down on. I wonder why? I wish I was in the meeting when Subway decided to go with Ryan Howard:

Exec 1: We need somebody to sell the worst nutrional item in the history of Subway. Somebody who embodies "deep fried"...this 'Eat Fresh' shit ain't working.

Exec 2: I went to a Phillies game last night and saw this fat, black guy strike out 4 times and he fell over on a ground ball.

Exec 1: GO GET HIM BEFORE KFC GET'S HIM FIRST!!!

Yeah, I know he could be MVP, but Phuck Philly.

Monday Morning QB

I love being able to watch sports from Friday night all the way up to Sunday night. These are the weekends that solidify the reason why I remain kinda single, and solidify the pact I made to myself not to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua until it's on video/bootleg. Baseball Friday, Saturaday, and Sunday. College football Friday and Saturday. The NFL yesterday was ridiculous, and there was even preseason NBA. Too much to cover, based on the fact that you can go to ESPN.com and get biased opinions on all these events. Not that ESPN.com is biased, but they aren't going to recklessly comment on certain stories based on their policies, etc. I ,on the other hand, will write articles based on rumor and I don't check my facts. So I gotta comment on a story that broke Sunday night about one NFL tight end.

Leading up to tonight's Monday Night Football game, Kellen Winslow was in the hospital with an unknown illness. I was thinking through the week that he had some type of bad herpes, or something embarrassing, because the media had no idea what he had. This is the type of info that gets released usually, but it didn't up til this weekend. Winslow was in the hospital because his balls were swollen to the size of grapefruits! That is amazing because you know Winslow was taking some type of Cialis/Viagra drug for fun, and it backfired on him. How does that happen? I would wait a couple of hours to go to the hospital, and make funny picture messages of my balls, and send it to friends and teammates. I wouldn't send it to Brady Quinn, though. I'm not too sure what "team" he plays on, let's put it that way. But, that's what I would do...

Monday Night Pick

Giants (-8) at the Browns

My Giants are the best team in football, because they run it the best, take care of the ball, play great D, have a QB who can make all the throws, are the deepest team at the skill positions, have a punter who routinely puts the ball inside the opponents' 20, draft better than any other team, and have confidence because they have one of the best coaches in the game. The Browns have...a tight end with swollen balls. Giants 90, Brown 3 ...seriously, take the Giants and the UNDER...

Fantasy Move of the Week

Tony Romo is out for two weeks, so pick up Brad Johnson and trade him to the one Cowboys fan in the league everybody hates. If you're in my league, just stop logging in...I'm 6 and oh, and resistance is futile.

Go Giants! TAKE CARE OF BUISNESS! PLAX, STFU!!!!

I Know What You Did Last Winter, youblackmothafucka!

I haven't posted in a month and a half. Just some random thoughts, and mailbag stuff...

WOOOO!!! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. A month and a week off from writing articles, and I have been taking mental notes on what I should write about once I returned. A ton of ideas have gone through my head (most of them around 1:45 a.m., with my hand in my pants). This includes what type of changes I should make for the new year, to the website. You may wonder, "Laredo, it's March, how is it the New Year?" In the sports fan's world, there are two years in one calendar year. You may wonder, "Laredo, does that mean the 17 year old I'm banging is really 34 and I shouldn't go to jail?" No, she's really 17. Savor every minute of it while you're on the outside. But, back to the New Year, and why March kicks off what will be a special year.

It's almost Spring. Daytona, Spring Training, and Golf get fired up and March Madness takes over my life. It's such a new year and love is in the air. All of my friends have either (A) serious girlfriends, (B) new loves, or C an affinity for Subway sandwiches, sports, making white people nervous, making Asian people nervous, gambling, massages, stealing movies off the Internet, and making a lewd comment whenever a 17 through 19 and a half year old girl passes by. I fall into the C category, and I'm beginning to think that its getting kinda old. I need to start a family. I need to spread my seed. I need to turn the last sentence into a joke involving some young starlets face. So, I'm going to going to make a concerted effort to find Mrs. Laredo Slider over the next year. I'm going balls to the wall with this one. I'm going to get in better shape. I'm going to make a effort to listen to girls when they talk at me. I'm unleashing shock and awe on Jdate. I'm going to high school career days. I'll also go through the ladies' mail to answer questions that give them a better understanding of me, as I will want to pick their brains so I can figure out how to get them to trust me so I can empty their bank accounts and raw dawg them so I can have a young LeBron Laredo Slider in 18 years...I mean have a meaningful relationship. Let's get into the mailbag:

Mailbag

You are a horrible writer...you totally make fun of women and are racist.

-Sum Dum Ho, Anytown, USA

This is actually the gist of 75% of the emails I received in the last month. I think I'm a good writer, and that's all that counts...you must realize that this site is intended for people who have a sense of humor. You may not guess what nationality I am when you read a random entry. Well...I'm a Brown American. That means that there is a double standard that says that I can say anything I want. The funny thing is that people get offended when I write about their nationality, but love it when I make fun of Asians or Jews. Everybody has been made fun of, and written about, so to all the people who have issues with it...Go Fuck Yourself.

I' neyer see a prenis sooo brig!

-Massage Lady, Las Vegas, NV

This is actually the gist of 100% of the dialogue I receive when I get a massage.

The Patriots blew it, I know...I have gone totally Hollywood, and if I see you on the streets, I expect you to punch me in the face and turn it into a public urinal.

-Bill Simmons, ESPN

He didn't really write this, but it's funny how stupid New England/Boston fans are when they DON'T live in New England. I understand that you may watch every game, every night, but because you live in a city where they aren't talking about your team, you think it's Boston against the world. You guys won a couple of World Series because the National League can't produce a legit World Series contender. You squeeked out three Super Bowls (I was rooting for ya'll in all three, I must admit), and you lost to the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS in a loss so bad, it erased one of the other Super Bowl wins ya had. Every time a Pats fan said 'Best Team Ever' the sports gods got pissed and Cleveland Steamered your whole season. If you don't win the AL this year, and you don't win the lowly Eastern Conference in the NBA, consider it rough justice. I thought that it would be a good idea to leave the Super Bowl prediction article up for a month while I basked in the glory of one of the most satisfying championships in city history. I made a 44-24 prediction because I knew the Giants were younger, faster, and stronger. The game felt like a 20-point blowout at the end, and I can't say anything that hasn't been said, but here is a GFY: To all bandwagon Giants fans, and Boston fans, who are the most myopic people in the world. I hate seeing people vehemently root against the Giants, then they say, "oh, I knew they would win all along", or, "they were lucky". SUCK IT! You all knew who you are, and this championship was for the real fans, and none, NONE, of your teams can do anything that can sniff what the 2007-08 Giants did. I found out Boston fans are jaded, and they want to be like Yankee fans, so they acted like Yankee fans, and got the fat end of a Louisville Slugger right where the sun don't shine. And...

Yeah...so what, I wear a Eli Manning jersey for a month straight. I washed it once and there is so much body spray pumped into it, I expect to get tackled by a pyramid of cheerleaders any minute now. HE IS THE MVP OF THE GAME THAT COUNTS!!! And, all black people who said to me, "why don't you wear a black man's jersey?" (nobody has said this to me, but I was at a Waffle House where I thought I was going to get lynched because of it) THIS ISN'T 1960!!! I can wear a white man's jersey! Besides, it's the number 10...if Kordell Stewart comes back to play QB for the Giants, I have NO problem prying the "MANNING" off the back of the jersey, and putting "STEWART" on the back. So here is a GFY to all Giants Apparell Haters. I beat off every time that Giants Championship Sports Illustrated commercial comes on. Haters include Bill Simmons who said he was tired of bandwagon Giants fans he sees in L.A. Message to Simmons: if I see you on the street and I'm wearing my Kordell Stewart/Eli Manning jersey, and you say one word to me....run, nukka! You're lucky I'm on some sort of parole in the state of California, but I got two strikes to burn, bitch! One of my readers put you in your place when they wrote you this e-mail:

The B in Bandwagon stands for Beantown. I'm from NY but live in Los Angeles now and have been a fan of the G-Men my whole life. I will not pretend to argue that 90% of the people you saw could tell you the name of the TE who started for the Giants in the Super Bowl, let alone be able to recognize David Tyree on the street if it weren't for the copious number of tv interviews. However, if you want to talk about Bandwagons begin at home. The Celtics are not the biggest offender, your Red Sox have made unprecidented "fans" especially in the past year. Please ask the next idiot you see wearing a Red Sox hat here in LA the simplest of Bo-Sox trivia ?'s and Im sure the response will be silence. A run as large as that B-wagon jump couldn't be replicated if So Cal knocked down the gate to Mexico and painted a south-facing banner that read "Tecate Gratis!" As my other fav blogger writes "You gotta b F****** kiddin me!" GO GIANTS!!!

Random Thoughts

The page needs a new look

I decided that I would only use this page template whenever a team of mine is in contention for a championship. It was good luck for the G-Men, and it will be good luck for the Mets this fall. The only other thing that I was getting used to was seeing Nautica Thorn on my banner, and I'm going to miss when I take her off. I will say that she is going to be in the inaugural class for the Laredo Slider Hall of Fame. The new LS girl will be Audrey Bitoni (click her name for a little sample of her superior acting skills). I will also put some new links on the side. I have a link for breast cancer support, one for AIDS, one for cystic fibrosis, and one for Barack Obama's website. I think that these are great causes and there should be some good done by the website (oh yeah, click on “Audrey Bitoni” to see another website where you see her get done good)....

P.S. - Miss Bitoni, don't get a big head for being Laredo's Cover Girl of the Moment...Mariah Milano is right on your heels

Audrey Bitoni (half German, half Spanish)

Don't drive across the country unless you have to

I just mentioned I spent some time in a Waffle House. That's because I took a trip across the country. In my predictions for '08, I mentioned that I was going to get pulled over for no reason, and get asked to leave the car for no reason. I am proud to tell ya'll that happened one afternoon last week (I'm telling ya, those predictions are going to come true. I will be at the head of the Hannah Montana empire in no time...and while we're on the subject of H. Montana...is it weird when you, or your homies, are flipping though the channels and then it says 'Hannah Montana' on the on-screen guide, and for some reason the channel surfing stops for 4 seconds, then continues? I mean...I can get through the foreign channels in 2 seconds flat...but once I get to the Nickelodeon section of the dial, shit slows down. Can I erase the last 5 sentences?) So....I get pulled over because I was black and wearing a Kordell Stewart jersey (I was basically asking for it). I wasn't speeding, I wasn't swerving, and I wasn't ghostriding the whip (but I had the urge to). The wonderful police officer of Memphis, Tennessee asked me where I was going, and when he didn't smell any malt liquor on me, he let me go. Pretty uneventful, but worth talking about. Here's a GFY to all police departments everywhere. You dumbasses shouldn't pull over people just because they are black, and look guilty (sorry for the redundancy).

That's it...there will be a post everyday...your comments are also apprecitated, so keep 'em coming. Peace...

Super Bowl Pick

Today is the day...three hours away...this is how it's going down (BTW, no live blog...I'm already too drunk)...

I arrive at unknown person's Super Bowl party. I smile, and immediately look around to see what kind, and how many, of "B's" are in attendance. B's are anything that start with B that can get a party started: Beer, Blunts, Broads, Bratwurst, Bitches, Ballons (with helium in 'em only), Big Booty Bitches, Big Booty Broads, and Big Booty Broats Bringing Me Beer, Blunts, and Bratwurst (and somewhere we will work Blumpkin into the equation). So I check that out, mind my P's and Q's, and consume more alcohol. I then come up with a plan on what food I am going to eat. Do I eat dairy products, that will be sure to close the bathroom off for 45 minutes, or wait until the second half when people know me a bit better? Is the couch conducive to muffling the sound of a fart, or should I care? Is Troy Aikman going to cause me to throw a beer at the TV? Am I going to use the words "Brandon Jacobs", "hole", "pigskin", "bitch", "anal", and "black" in the same sentence twice (one yelling at the TV, and once talking to a broad)? Probably. What I don't know is the outcome...I think it's going to be close. My prediction...

Giants win the coin flip, and tell Brandon Jacobs to exploit the holes in the Pats 'D and then spike the pigskin so hard off of the playclock that the playclock thinks it's getting anal from a black guy. The game is going to be a game where the Patriots defense will give the Giants something, and the Giants will take it. Tom Brady will get sacked a couple of times, but the Giants D is a great bend, but don't break, defense. The more I write this paragraph, the more I realize what everybody is scared to say...the Giants are bigger, faster, and don't give a fuck... That's my final analysis...Giants 44 Pats 24. Giants win Sunday, Johan press conference Monday, Championship Parade Tuesday, Liver Failure Wednesday. Oh, yeah...no drinking and driving! Make sure you have a designated decoy, if you do drive. GO BIG BLUE!!!!!

No Laptop...No Problem

My laptop broke (which is probably a message from God...telling me to ease up on the Asians, Jews, etc.). I'm not going to have it for the big game, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have a live blog. I'll be doing it from my phone. I hope that everybody can do without my wonderful Microsoft Paint pictures, but I figured a way to get pictures up, from my phone to the blog, and I'll have wonderful pictures of the Super Bowl party I am at. Which brings me to the homework for my readers. I want to see ridiculous moments from the Super Bowl parties you attend. Take a piss in the punch bowl? Send a pic of it to me. Puke on somebody's flat screen TV? Send a pic of it to me. Accidentally punch a Pats fan for running their mouths? Send it... Get pulled over after the party for drinking and driving then you get tasered? Send it... Now starts my Super Bowl party...I will be drunk for the next 120 hours, so Giant fans...LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!

Tommorrow...Giants/Pats predictions and Rambo review...Saturday...College Hoops Picks...Sunday...live blog...Monday...Recap

SANTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mets just completed a deal to bring Johan "the best pitcher in the league, SUCK IT!!!!!" Santana to Queens. I don't have much to say except that I am a happy sports fan, because now one of my teams is playing for a championship, and another will follow. AND, the Mets gave up nothing (4 minor league prospects)!!! I'm besides myself, so I'm going to interview myself.

Me: Johan Santana is a Met...

Me: Yeah...I know...I predicted it June 19, 2007

Me: How do you feel about Johan Santana being a Met?

Me: It feels great.

Me: How are you going to celebrate?

Me: By going to the liquor store and getting some Hennessey.

Me: Don't you think you should stop talking to yourself before you go to the liquor store.

Me: No...like it would be weird to see a black guy talking to himself outside of a liquor store.

Me: True...maybe we can panhandle, too!

Me: Sounds like a plan...

LET'S GO METS '08!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS '08!!! LET'S GO RANGERS '08!!! Knicks...'08 is our year...for getting the number one pick. Phuck Philly!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

More Predictions...

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everybody! I hope everybody is remembering the man, his message, and are celebrating the one race that matters…the human race. Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about another race. A race to the NFC crown, which is OVER!!! As everybody knows, the Giants won the NFC last night in one of the most thrilling, legendary games. The Giants are on a legendary playoff run. If they win it all it will rank with the ’69 Mets and ’94 Rangers as one of the most cherished championships any team has won in city history. Those two teams actually were given a chance; this Giants team was NOT given a chance.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (I did that earlier while watching The Best of Nautica Thorn: Asian Sensation), but I did proclaim in my October 25^th article that the Giants had a serious shot to bring home the NFC title. I also have to go back to my December 24^th article when I proclaimed that the Giants can get to the championship, and I was going to bang Danielle Fishel’s (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”) fat ass at a Super Bowl party. This is kinda scary because everything I’m saying is finally coming true! I am going to make some statements in this article because if shit I predict is starting to become true, then I might as well shoot for the stars!

I’m not going to make predictions like “I’m going to bang Jessica Alba” because I don’t own any date rape, drug-filled poison darts. But I am going to make some predictions that seem very unlikely. I hope my readers are patient as these predictions come to fruition (especially this next one):

I will bang Mylie Cyrus (Hannah Montana) when she turns 18, and I will bust a nut simultaneously while her father has a fatal heart attack. Then she will turn over her financial decisions to me.

I can see this happening because in three years, when she’s 18, Laredoslider.com will probably evolve into a full fledged porn site. So I will be on the fast track of being the next Hugh Heffner (except with ho’s with genetically engineered asses).

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, and give Laredoslider.com a exclusive interview where I ask the question, “Have you ever sucked dick before?” She will then cry while giving me head. It’s not like she is going to be the first president to suck dick (zing).

World War III will start when a Jewish man is told by a Muslim man, working at a 7-11, that one bottle of water costs $1.29. The Jewish man says that the sign say “2 for $2”. The Muslim man will say, “Only if you buy two”. This will lead to another thousand years of conflict, including WWIII.

The government will classify chinky-eyed Mexicans as Asians. Because, really, can we tell the difference?

I will be a millionaire in 2008 after rigging the World Series of Poker.

The city of Philadelphia will be bombed, by the United States…nobody will care.

I will get pulled over for no reason, and then I will be asked to get out of the car for no reason.

The New York Mets will win the National League in 2008.

I will learn to become a carpenter and turn Serena William’s ass into a table.

I will invent a new skin care lotion, like Proactiv, and people will use it…until the day I admit that I was just bottling my own jizz…

I will invent a new energy drink, like Red Bull, and people will use it…until, you know

Scientists will genetically engineer a sausage so big; it could feed a whole country. They call it “Laredo’s Dick”.

The national anthem will be replaced by Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”

Derek Jeter admits he’s gay. Then he tells his Yankee teammates to sniff the handles on their bats because “that’s how he rolls”.

Oh yeah…the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl…Eli Manning will have such a good game that he will finally get his own commercials…for erectile dysfunction (but, hey, who cares?). I walk around for 4 hours after the game with an erection, but I will not consult a physician.

Live Blog - Championship SUNDAY!!!!

3:26 - I'm a little slow right now, but I'll start blogging in 30 mins...I need to get some drink in me. If anybody wants to chime in during this blog...send an IM to AreYou18Good for AIM. I'll get cracking at halftime of the Pats-Bolts...

3:55 - Okay...7-3 Patsies...I am impressed how confident the Bolts look...the one thing I can say is that the Pats may be 17 and oh, but they are OLD...they are like Pam Anderson 5 years ago (they're hot, but there are flaws...but I would still hit). And, no I wouldn't fuck the Patriots. I'm getting a little tipsy, but I'm not to the point where a 45 man gangbang is possible. BTW...I'm drinking O.J. and Vodka (what I like to call the O.J. Simpson)...Where are the white ho's????

4:02 - The Chargers just put a field goal through to make it 7-6...these fools need to get TD's in order to win...they miss LT in a big way (BTW...it's funny that LT can't go, and the Chargers are right in the thick of it...Running back is a position that is overrated when it comes down to building a team...I wouldn't draft one at a high position...BUT, LT is the best and the San Diego Chargers need him)

4:09 - You know you're the fifth wide reciever when you do a dance in the end zone after making a decent special teams play...or you're just black and happy to collect a check...yeah, i'll chalk it up to that.

4:13 - "Derek Jeter Bitch Made" play of the day to this point is Chris Chambers getting DEEEEEEBO'd for the interception...so Chris Chambers is the worst player of the game so far

4:15 - TD New England...if San Diego doesn't score, and the Pats score another, the game is over...huge drive coming up

4:18 - Bruschi (i'm drunk and don't care if I spelled that right) is on HGH...or he's Mexican...but his head is HUGE

4:19 - Rivers INT...Get Volek warmed up...Rivers has the second worse arm in football...WTF was that?

4:30 - 3rd and 1...no timeouts...can you spell disaster for the Chargers? I can...P-H-I-L-I-P...

4:35 - Pats 14, Bolts 9 at the Half...It's a ballgame...

4:50 - Thank God...2nd Half Starting...couldn't handle looking at Shannon Sharpe...he reminds me of those statues at Easter Island. They're just a lot less annoying...



4:56 - Brady pick...San Diego MUST score this drive if they want to win this game.

5:02 - CBS's commercials suck. I can't remember if they have played an erectile dysfunction commercial yet. Nothing too edgy. No Chevy Truck commercials. I can't wait till 6 when the real show starts.

5:03 - Nate Kaeding FG...14-12 Pats...No TDs for San Diego mean no win...

5:11 - Maroney is starting to put his figerprints on this game...Randy Moss is about to put his fingerprints around some ho's neck

5:17 - San Diego INT!!!! Antonio Cromartie has just swung the momentum to the Bolts. Now Philip Rivers is going to have the most important drive of his life (to this point).

5:21- Rivers can't move the ball...The San Diego D is going to have to figure out how to get superior field position for his sorry ass...

5:32 - TD Brady to Welker...21-12 Pats...now Rivers goes into "Rex Grossman mode"...He'll try to throw a bunch of ill-advised passes, and he'll throw 'em as hard as he can. Then he will leave the game after getting pasted. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

5:41 - 4th and 10 for the Bolts...I would go for it, but Norv Turner proves while he is the only coach in the NFL who has been castrated. In other news, there is a new Martin Lawrence movie coming out. He is one of the few actors whose movies I automatically see. They just played the commercial, and I'm pumped to see it.



5:50 - Time for a Laredo Commercial Break...


yeah...Ines Sainz...whut?!?!


5:53 - Will the Pats cover? I think so...Let's see if they play to cover. Oh yeah, this drive is WHY YOU GO FOR IT ON 4TH DOWN WHEN YOU'RE DOWN BY 2 SCORES IN THE FOURTH, AGAINST A TEAM WHO NEVER LOST...I know what Marty Schottenheimer woulda done...

6:00 - Game Over - Pats 21 - San Diego 12 ... Pats don't cover, San Diego couldn't get a TD...This is a bad day for a degenerate somewhere....

now...for the game of the day, in the league where they play.....FOR PAY.....

DGLJLDG JSLG LGKD GJDLSKGJ DSLGJ D GET EM GIANTS!!!!! SKLDBJ DLBDLB DLB DB

I am officially going to play a drinking game during this game. I don't know what it is yet...but I'm going ape shit...I WANT THE PATRIOTS!!! LET'S GO BIG BLUE!!!!

6:05 - It looks colder at Lambeau than a dead hooker floating in the Hudson River. I hope Troy Aikman and Joe Buck's head freeze and break off during the game. In this weather, I'm glad Brandon Jacobs is on my side.

6:21 - 21 minutes till kickoff...time to pound some O.J. Simpson's



6:28 - Laredo Slider commercial break


Avena Lee - Specialtiy: Oral Sex...Not Specialty: Driving (She's Asian)

6:35 - Fox's new game show "Moment of Truth" looks like a home run...they should get a guy on the show, and ask him if he watches kiddie porn. Then they could lead right into a "To Catch A Preditor" episode.

6:42 - Green Bay wins the toss, and the Giants D gets on the field, while Chris Myers interviews the Predator.

6:44 - Why do Black people have to put as many dead animals on them as possible? Pam Oliver's coat has about 10 dead squirrels in it.

6:48 - Brett Farve almost gets picked...JINTS D...WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!!!

6:51 - Brandon Jacobs sets the tone on the first play...Giants get a gift spot...First Down.

6:55 - Moving the rock...First and 10 from the Packers 37.

7:01 - I almost shit my pants as Eli comes close to throwing a pick...Giants kick a 29 yard field goal...3-0

7:11 - MothafuckinAmaniToomeralregewral ajerlhjaerlkhjrlhjarelareljhrjhrelj!@@!!!!!!

7:13 - MothafuckinJeffFeaglesShankLehjaerl;k hjaerlhjearlkhjaerlkjglaj halrjalr!!!!!!

7:16 - We won the first quarter...3 more to go!

7:20 - Aaron Ross earning his stripes...We have a good one at corner.

7:31 - Tynes FG number 2...He's quietly having one of the best years out of a Giant kicker since Matt Bahr.

7:37 - 90 yard TD Farve to Driver...Exactly what we can't have...

7:52 - While I am drunk, let me point out...THE KNICKS HAVE WON 4 out of 5...There's a darkhorse in the race for the number 6 draft pick, baby!



7:58 - Shouldn't there be a "More Bars" commercial for AT&T that includes Mike Vick and O.J. Simpson?








8:06 - 10-6...Manning needs to be a Manning

8:10 - 10-6 Half...I'm going to be a wreck during halftime....

8:25 - Pam Oliver flaunting her Rodent Skin Coat...

8:29 - Giants burn a timeout instead of taking the delay of game. I no like.

8:35 - Yeah!!!! Refs are fixing it for tha G-Men....UHHHHHH!!!! Fuck Green Bay!

8:40 - Where on the verge of a endzone playclock fatality!


8:45 - Jacobs scores a TD, but spares the playclock. The Pack comes back with a 50 something yard return.

8:53 -Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison...anybody have the address for a Samuel Jerome Jenkins Madison? I just want to drive by and drop off a package....
9:03 - AMANI!!!
9:07 - Bradshaw TD! THIS IS A GAME THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS MUST WIN!!!

9:11 - End of the third...15 minutes 'till the Super Bowl

9:16 - WTF!?!? R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters...anybody have the address for a R.W. Jerome Jenkins McQuarter? I just want to drive by and drop off a package...

9:28 - I'm nervous...I probably drank too much, and when I shit, it will be liquid

9:31 - FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

9:33 - Yeah!!! The referee's know what's up!!!!

9:37 - Will Tynes hit this?

9:38 - No!! Fuck Whitey!!!

9:46 - I don't know if he was offsides, but I feel confident...the D will come thru

9:51 - Okay, R.W. doesn't touch the ball anymore!

9:56 - Steve Smith, biatch!!!! USC Reppin... The Giants must get a running first down!

10 - Bradshaw, Smith...the rooks, baby...

10 - TYNES!!!!!!!!! MAKE THIS SHIT!!!!!!! Game Time!!!

10:03 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coin flip wins....TAILS!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

10:06 - I'm already conceeding the loss...I won't feel as bad if I do it right now. I feel sick. BUT! The Pack hasn't been able to do shit with the ball.

10:09 - Corey Webster! Bradshaw and Jacobs! That's IT!!!!

10:15 - YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments:
Go Chargers said...
Cromartie and the Bolts are in Brady and the Pats head, Upset coming for sure!Did anyone really put money on the Pats -15 points? Flush that 2 week paycheck down the toilet!
January 20, 2008 2:20 PM
Go Giants said...
Let's GO Giants!Not the start to the day I was looking for, first the Chargers play like pansies and then my grill runs out of gas after five minutes with 10 pounds of ribs being cooked, but not before the entire two racks of ribs light on fire scorching the bottom. My first ever ribs experience is looking bad and now I have to do it in the oven using tin foil, a recipe for spending Sunday night eating shitty ribs and having to clean the oven.It's all Good if Big Blue Win!BTW, the Shannon Sharpe analogy was priceless.
January 20, 2008 3:50 PM
Super SuperBowl said...
How do you not ICE the kicker in that situation. ??? Tynes got lucky they didn't call the timeout there, he would have certainly choked if that had happened. BUT they didn't and the Giants are going to get revenge on the Patriots in the SUPERBOWL!LaredoSlider, LIVE BLOGGING KICKS ASS, the extra work brought good Karma!
January 20, 2008 7:17 PM
Laredo Slider said...
See you in Fuckin Glendale! If the Giants win, there will be a movie...you will all go and watch it. I will have a tremendous boner while watching it. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH BABYYY!!!! Thanks to my freinds Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Fernando Bacardi, and Yakov Smirnoff for getting me through the game!!!! Pats are goin DOWN!!!!!

A Dream of a Game

I had a dream last Sunday. It was a dream where I was watching my favorite football team, without a care in the world. I was drinking heavily, Jessica Simpson was there, and Tony Romo was running scared. It was awesome. I am a proponent of sharing and analyzing my dreams, because they mean something (even if it’s a dream I have over and over…like violating Jessica Alba’s mouth…which usually means I switch the sheets out when I wake up).

As the dream starts, I see a stadium filled with Mexicans and rednecks. I think that I’m at a drive-thru liquor store, but wait…there are 70,000 of them, and a big grass field…so it must be a Budwiser/Tecate Landscaping Peace Conference (by the way…DON’T BUY MILLER CHILL…it’s a Mexican inspired beer recipe that tastes like a Mexican perspired in it). Then I see that the Mexicans aren’t cutting the grass. WTF?!? It’s field-turf! I must be at a football game! Cool! In most dreams I’m usually playing quarterback and scoring (in more ways than one). My last game was legendary:

45 of 45, 587 yards passing…18 carries for 299 yards rushing, 6 Home Runs, 2 Hat Tricks, 11 of 11 from three, and 4 holes violated on every member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Then the Cowboys and the Giants run on the field. I decide not to take the game over, and let them play.

Giants 7, Cowboys 0

The Cowboys come out shit talking, and their QB has a shit-eating grin on his face. The Giants get the ball first and draw first blood on a Eli to Amani 57 yard connection. I’m happy that this dream is starting off well, but then someone takes my clothes off, and I wake up from the embarrassment. I hate when I wake up from a good dream prematurely. I then drink myself back to sleep.

Giants 7, Cowboys 14

I go back to sleep and the dream is turning into a nightmare. Terrell Owens scores a TD, and
Marion (the only Barber that has a penis) Barber is running all over us. I’m getting ready to force myself to wake up before shit gets ugly.

Giants 14, Cowboys 14

Eli decides to continue his “fuck my brother…it’s my time, biatch!” postseason by putting together a beautiful 47 second drive to tie the game. This quiets the Texas Stadium crowd faster than immigration quiets day laborers (a.k.a. Mexicans) while cruising the Home Depot parking lot.

Giants 14, Cowboys 17

The Giants defense is stepping up a bit, and the proper adjustments were made at half time. Tony Romo has the “I’m going to tank this game so I can go home and F Jessica Simpson” face on.

Giants 21, Cowboys 17

Brandon Jacobs scampers for a one yard TD…then he rifles the ball into the play clock in what is the greatest TD celebration of all-time. It was a celebration that took the heart out of the Cowboys. Their fans shutdafuckup. Their players shutdafuckup. I wish Troy Aikman shutdafuck up, but he was about to get his. It was time to put the finishing touches on this classic.

Final: Giants 21, Cowboys 17

The game ended better than I coulda dreamt. Romo was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Patrick Crayton dropped a huge pass. Jerry Jones came from the owner’s box to watch the collapse. And, Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found (actually, in the dream, I already f’d her, Cleveland steamer’d her, and kicked her out of my house). Then there is T.O., in the “Derek Jeter Bitch Made Moment” of the week (Really, T.O.? Who brings those glasses to a football game?I know you had this planned).:

The only thing that T.O. did right was that the only question he answered, in the press conference, was from Azteca TV’s Ines Sainz. Who’s Ines Sainz? She is the hottest sideline reporter on the face of the Earth! What’s more perfect than a hot, Latin sideline reporter? NOTHING! She’s gotta be up for some baseball bat action in between the sheets (she’s Latin and into sports). I’ll leave you with a video montage of Mrs. Sainz-LaredoSlider…

L___ P_ipe _ock: The House of Manning

Sunday is here, and I AM PUMPED! Giants vs. Cowboys! Let’s go G-Men! In my house we have a tradition. It’s a tradition built around calling audibles, doing commercials, and making fucked up, funny faces when ever we throw interceptions. It’s also a tradition where we go to the playoffs every year. If you don’t know, the house I’m talking about is the House of Manning.

I thought it would be a good idea to get the boys fired up before they took the field today, so we sat down and ate dinner last night. Eli, Peyton, the other brother nobody cares about, Archie, his wife Olivia (a.k.a. Quaterback-Factory Vag #1), and I sat down for a home cooked meal. I received so much insight to what’s going to happen today in both games, and I recorded the whole conversation at dinner. I will copy the excerpts onto LaredoSlider.Com for everybody to enjoy. Afterwards, I’ll give you my picks for today’s games.

7 p.m. - I arrive at the Manning Estate (Plantation) and I’m greeted at the door by Olivia Manning (a.k.a. Quarterback-Factory Vag #1)

Olivia: Hi! I’m so glad to meet you! You don’t have to introduce yourself. (She Yells) Eli! Plaxico is here for dinner!

Me: Oh, no, I’m Laredo Slider. I understand that you get us all confused. I’m here for the dinner/interview.

Olivia: Have a seat at the table! I hope you like pot roast! If I knew you were coming, I woulda sent the other brother nobody cares about to KFC. In the ghetto.

Me: Can you still send him?

Olivia: Yes. And if he gets shot, oh well. It’s not like he’s a pro athlete or something.

7:21 – We all sit down. The table looks good. The pot roast had all the fixings. Sprint phone casserole, MasterCard pâté, fried Citizen watch rings. The pot roast was served on a DirecTV satellite dish, and had Reebok sneaker stuffing. Gatorade was there to wash it down, but I had to watch in HD, on a beautiful Sony HDTV.

Me: I see that you have all the sponsors hooking you up. You must really enjoy getting so much free stuff. Why do I have to sit in this room? Can’t I eat at the table?

Archie: No, you can’t. And, we can see you in there! The silverware is worth nothing, so don’t steal it!

Olivia: Look, Peyton! Marvin Harrison has a T.V. show, and he’s about to eat dinner!

Archie: Shut up, bitch! That’s just the guy who just came to eat dinner with us, and he’s on the security cam.

Me: Well, let’s talk about Sunday’s games. Peyton, what is your key to success?

Peyton: Well, as long as God’s on my side we have a shot.

Me: I mean football-wise.

Peyton: No, seriously. God puts money on the Colts every week. We only lose so it doesn’t look shady. When we win, I get 60 percent.

Me: You get a bigger cut of the winnings than God?

Peyton: Who has more commercials?

Me: True

7:38 – Dinner is good. I’m actually waiting for my KFC, while the family is eating their meal. Eli has been quiet, so it’s time to ask him a few questions.

Me: Eli, how are you going to dismantle the Cowboys?

Me: Eli?

Olivia: Eli, Amani Toomer is asking you a question, honey…please answer…

Me: Bitch, I am NOT Amani Toomer!

Olivia: Oh my God, HE’S DROWNING IN THE SOUP!

Eli pulls his head out, and after he’s revived, he answers the question.

Eli: We’re going to establish a running game, and play action the shit out of the Cowboys’ secondary. The D is going to dial-up pressure early and often. We are going to use unnecessary roughness penalties to set the tone early on. We are also going to decapitate Tony Romo, while the practice squad takes turns violating Jessica Simpson. Then we’re going to tape that, and put it on laredoslider.com, and force him to write two weeks of articles of Jessica Simpson sex tapes, instead of a week of Kim Kardashian articles.

Archie: Son, are you okay? Oh my God, HE’S POSSESSED!

Laredo Slider is sitting in the other room with a bucket of KFC, laughing

Me: That’s right, he’s possessed. I possessed him. You motherfuckers took to long getting my chicken, so I had to sacrifice a chicken, a la Major League when Cerrano wanted to sacrifice a chicken before their big playoff game. I also took the time to possess Eli, so he can win the big game tomorrow. Your wife is also pregnant. She will give birth to a quarterback in nine months. He will be black. Teach him how to throw and keep him away from dogfighting.

The Manning family, except Olivia, run from the house…she’s happy because she thinks she’s having Reggie Wayne’s baby.

San Diego (+10) at Indy

Indy covers. Something tells me that Shawn Merriman is going to get arrested for something midway through the second half. Look for Philip Rivers to throw a bunch of picks. The score will be closer than the game…Indy, 31-17

New York Giants (+7) at Dallas

Giants win outright. Look for a decapitated Tony Romo to be ineffective after being shocked that his girl is getting gangbanged by the Giants' practice squad. In a unprecedented move, T.O. trades himself to the Giants midway through the game, because Eli plays possessed and there is plenty of KFC on the sideline. Giants 27-20.

LET’S GO BIG BLUE!!!!!

Fill in the blanks: Laredo's L___ Pipe _ock

Today is a huge, Laredo sports day. There are bowl games in college football (two super-underrated games: one (1) UConn vs. Wake; two great schools with good programs, and two, Penn State vs. Texas A&M a.k.a. Shit talk University in the Casket Bowl). There is college basketball today (ESPN2 has been hooking it up early this year. Last week, there were 3 really good games on tha deuce. This week may be the same with Arizona vs. Memphis tonight. There will be 6-10 pros on the floor in that game. The Tennessee /Gonzaga game is a good one, too). The Knicks have a guaranteed no loss night, as they aren’t playing. UFC pops off with Chuck Liddell vs. Wanderlei Silva and Matt Hughes vs. Georges St. Pierre (I got Silva and St. Pierre to win). Then the Giants have a monster game tonight against the New England Patriots. Lotta stuff going on, and I should be motivated to write an article. I’m also hungover and blunted, so I don’t feel like writing right now. I'm going to make this one short and sweet (not long and salty, like your sister, mom, girlfriend, or wife likes it). You could call this my “lead-pipe lock” this week:

Giants win 31-28…Eli plays well in the balmy New Jersey weather. The defense will blitz early and often, and get big plays early with interceptions (31 points mean the Giants D will have to get at least 14 points off of turnovers). Look for the Giants to get 5 or 6 sacks against a depleted offensive line. The Giants have what I like to call the “Zach Randolph Defense”. Six or more sacks equal a win. Sacks of herb, sacks of burgers, sacks of QBs, or a sack of Crown Royal riding shotgun mean the night is going well. Look for Steve Smith to have a big game for the Giants. Kawika Mitchell might cement himself as a front runner for the Giants defensive M.V.P. with a big game, too. Eli will go to his third and fourth options without making a mistake, but ends up 16-29, 211, 2 TD, 1 int, and 4 whatthefuckwasthat fumbles (I should have a “Eli Fumble the Snap” pool. I guess that it first happens around 6:24 in the second quarter). LET’S GO GIANTS!!!

Christmas Wish List

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...