What to Watch 10/18/08

It's a new season of television programming, and if you have DirecTV or digital cable, you know that there is so much crap on that you just stick with what shows you usually watch. It's a pain going through 150 channels when you only watch five or six channels. I'm here to make it even easier for you (today). I'm going to TELL you what to watch and provide expert analysis on why you are going to watch it. All times are in Eastern and, of course, we got picks for college today.

12 ET

U Conn at Rutgers (-2)

Okay...don't watch it, just bet it. U Conn is 5-1, and has no respect for Rutgers. Rutgers is 1-5, and has no respect for Rutgers. Expect Rutgers to lose more recruits, because this is their homecoming game and it's embarrassing to have the fans leaving the stadium with 5:32 left in the third quarter. Stay away from the over/under on this game, unless it's for Rutgers turnovers...then take the over, no matter what it is.

What to really watch....

Paris Hilton's My New BFF - MTV

I haven't seen a minute of this show, but every time I see a commercial for it, some broad is taking a shot and running her mouth. Watch it, and be glad you don't have to put up with it...because at 1 PM, we've got...

1 ET

Whatever Telemundo has on

I have seen this show. I don't know how to pronounce it, and the show may not be the same throughout the years, but I have been watching this time slot since I was a kid. Half-naked, Spanish broads who say nothing, but are shaking it to whatever the mariachi band is playing. Then when they say something, you can tune them out, because they are speaking Spanish. This is the sole reason why I never learned Spanish, by the way. Over/under on the amount of time your hands are in your pants...half an hour. Take the over. Enjoy for an hour, then....

2 ET

Cheaters Marathon – G4 Network

Cheaters is not the greatest show. But, there is something about watching some guy or gal getting cheated on and getting it on tape. The host, Joey Greco, is the biggest instigator. He gets the perpetrating couple on tape, then shows the video evidence to the victim. The victim goes crazy, but usually gets punked by the perpetrators because (1) the victim is usually a guy who ain't hitting it right or a girl who isn't fit enough to keep her man on the reservation, and they find out right there (2) these people are so ghetto that cheating makes sense to ALL parties involved, and (3) if a guys' girl is cheating on him with a black dude, when the black dude is confronted all hell breaks loose and it's a good idea that everybody goes home. Watch one episode, take a nap for an hour, and get ready for...

3:30 ET

Kansas at Oklahoma
or
Ohio State at Michigan State

ABC Regional

I'm picking these two games, but some of you may get North Carolina at Virginia (if that's your regional game...go back to Telemundo and proceed to put your hands in your pants until the primetime games).

Kansas (+20) at Oklahoma (O/U 61)

Kansas played well at Colorado last week. Oklahoma got beat up on the ground last week, and they have to be pissed. Both have good QB's...Oklahoma has a great one, and they want to send a message to the pollsters that they are one of the best 3 or 4 teams in the land (which they are). Kansas' bread and butter is the option. Oklahoma's bread and butter is paying linemen enough to stop the option. Take OU and the over.

Ohio State (-3.5) at Michigan State (O/U 42.5)

Ohio State is horrible against the spread, but this is a game about who is going to make the most (or least) mistakes. Both teams have question marks at the QB spot...and Michigan State has the front runner for the Heisman, in Javon Ringer. Michigan State hasn't played anybody yet, and Ohio State is starting to hit their stride. This is a tune-up for Ohio State's meeting next week against Penn State. Take Ohio State....and the under.

Now you're occupied till 5:30 – 6 ish...Great stuff on at 8...but a perfect filler till then.

6:15 ET

Blue Streak – HBO

One of the funniest movies, ever, starring two of the funniest men ever (Martin Lawrence and Dave Chapelle). It just happens to be an hour and forty-five minutes long so that takes you up to 8.

8 ET

Mizzou at Texas
Pavlik vs. Hopkins
Red Sox at Rays Game 6

There is a reason they call it primetime...these three matchups exemplify it, and I'll make an addendum to this post later today to tell you who I like and why, but it doesn't get much better on a Saturday night.

Laredo's Saturday L____ P_pe _ock's

I needed to pick the Red River Rivalry game last night because (1) it is the biggest college game this week, and (2) it gives me the opportunity to rip on some rednecks. Don't get me wrong...I love brown liquor, I don't like pork, but I wouldn't rule out having relations with certain non-blood relatives. When I use the N-Word, it's a term of endearment. When rednecks use the N-Word, it's derogatory, unless a black person hears 'em, then they explain it's a term of endearment. Then they same something like, "anybody can be a nword, not just black people...I'm just talking about the way somebody acts." That never gets old. What also doesn't get old is rednecks calling people Arabs. The link for "Video of the Day" has that old bag that called Obama an Arab getting interviewed, etc. That's a new feature of LaredoSlider.Com and will be used for video highlights daily. Oh yeah, there is a scoreboard, too...so you can check Laredo's L___ P_pe _ock's of the Week (you can fill in the blanks with what you want).

Oklahoma (-6.5) at Texas

I already picked this, and the game is in the second quarter right now (actually it's a one point game at half). The reason I picked OU is because I have believed that Sam Bradford is actually Cooper Manning since last year, after Cooper Manning got a time machine because he wanted to cash in on his family fame. The kid's good, he takes care of the ball, and Texas has been faking top-ranked status since their Rose Bowl win four years ago. Oklahoma covers.

Purdue (+18.5) at Ohio State (47.5)

Put this one in the overrated home team, with myopic fans, category with Texas. This is a conference game, and Ohio State isn't explosive...so 2 touchdowns plus is unlikely. Purdue also takes care of the rock. Oh yeah, Ohio State is 1-4 against the spread this year, so 1-5 is likely, right. Take Purdue and the under.

Penn State (-6) at Wisconsin (47)

The Nittany Lions will roll through Wisconsin, and it depends on depends. If JoePa shits himself before the game, it will be a sweater. If he shits himself around the beginning of the second quarter, the Lions will roll. Don't ask me how I came to these backwards conclusions. Maybe it's the brown liquor at 11AM PT. Penn State covers, with the over.

Enjoy the day of college football...oh yeah, GO TROJANS!

New Beginning

Every article I have written, EVER, has been a product of my alter ego, no matter what mind state I'm in. I have written some unconventional things when I was in grammar school, and not just because I was doing my homework on the bus, and that shit was due in 20 minutes. Now, I have this site where I can say what I want and I write more unconventional stuff. I usually post in the mornings when I have something constructive to say. I post in the afternoons after watching some sporting event that usually involves my team shitting the bed, in a big situation. Then I write late night when I'm faded, and I just watched a movie with one of my favorite starlets (like Transformers, with Megan Fox). I then write how much I would like to diddle her, and then use very graphic words describing all 13 inches of my dilzzzznick, usually implying impregnating one of these girls is my prerogative. Then I was thinking to myself that these days are all about softening what is actually happening in the real world, and I need to find some real ho's to come over here and...I mean take a stance on certain issues, and provide a forum for some of my loyal readers (who have been reading the same article for the last two months).

So the site is going through a overhaul. We'll still talk sports, but now is the time to talk about finances (21.99 Hennessey at Savon, HOLLA!!!), who is going to lead our country for the next four years, what is good as far as movies and entertainment are concerned (I will get guest reviewers who will tell me what they thought of a movie, cd, or something), and general pop culture will be included, as well. Audrey Bitoni has been taken off the top of the page, because I'm into classier girls, and through these times I have figured out that women are the strongest gender because I invited this broad over the other night...she was a 5'1” Asian girl, about 90 pounds, and I asked her if she wanted a $5 foot long, and she said yes...she thought I was using the Metric system, or some shit, because she thought a foot was shorter...but she took it anyways...the strength of her tonsils surprised me. Sorry...run on sentence. I will also put some links in the links tab (duh!). Oh...there will be polls, and not of the $5 foot long variety, either! Polls are trendy, and I think the site should have once every once in a while. College football picks tomorrow, and some other stuff. Enjoy!

p.s. - I probably will not get up in time for the Red River Rivalry, but I like OU (-6.5).