You don't look like a Santonio, homes

Santonio Holmes, star wide out for the Pittsburg Steelers was charged with marijuana possession, and has been suspended by the Steelers for the mega match up against my Giants on Sunday. As a big Giants fan, I'm not happy that he was suspended because I like to play against the best at full strength, all the time. It's the best way to know what you really have. He will be missed, but there is another injustice in this case. Why was Santonio pulled over? I'll refer to the ESPN.com article:

Police stopped Holmes, who was driving a dark sport-utility vehicle with out-of-state license plates. Officers in the area had been alerted that a similar vehicle was believed to be carrying a large amount of drugs. Holmes' vehicle matched the description but was not the one police were seeking, Griffith said.

fgjagblabdjfbljblbjlbfjlblfl aabjajreygqr;yljqlyjrrljtqlrtjqlet (sorry...a little frustrated)....the funny thing is that the po'lice have been looking for this car for the last 40 years (before there were SUV's)!!!!!!!! And how did they know that there was a SUV with a large amount of drugs in it? Did they watch someone put those drugs into the SUV, and decided to let them drive away, without arresting them? Was there a sting where the undercover officer sold drugs to some guy in a SUV with out-of-state plates, and they failed to make the arrest? I know the answer to both questions, and it's called profiling. He's lucky he was in a town where they knew who he was, because in any other town the officer would look at him funny once he said his name was Santonio Holmes. They would probably think he was a gang banger from L.A. or something...

By the way...Holmes didn't have his license on him and I am willing to bet that he doesn't have a legal license right now. This is probably the beginning of a long story, which will end up with Holmes playing for the Raiders sooner, or later.

Larry Johnson's here? Let's find somewhere else to go...

I know that nothing good happens after midnight, but I have lived most of my life after midnight, so when bad shit happens to people after midnight, I understand. Earlier this week, it was reported that Larry Johnson (the running back of the Chiefs, not to be confused with NBA great Larry Johnson) assaulted some girl in a club, and also threatened to kill her boyfriend. This happens to be Larry Johnson's (the club going, philandering, running back of the Chiefs...not to be confused with the club going, philandering, power forward of the Knicks and Hornets) fourth time in the last five years of getting an assault charge. The Chiefs are suspending him, and they should. What shouldn't happen is dumb chickenheads in the club, running their mouth to ANYBODY named Larry Johnson. News flash...women, if there is a pro athlete named Larry Johnson at the club, unless you're going home with them that night, don't say shit to them. You will either end up with (A) a drink spit in your face, (B) kids you don't want, or (C) a black eye. And don't bring your boyfriend to the club when Larry Johnson is there because you'll put him in a situation that he doesn't want to be in.

But that's not it...

Last time I checked assault and battery were charges brought against people who make credible threats, and/or put their hands on another person. After midnight I think spitting a drink in somebodies face is (A) classless and (B) better than punching them/stabbing them. Larry Johnson should be commended for restraining his arms and fists, and not ingesting more alcohol, which would just make him drunker. Also...If some dude says something to you, that's malicious after midnight, you have to say something back along the lines of "I'm gonna kill you". People who are in altercations, and are drunk, only understand a few phrases after midnight.

1. "I think a cop is behind me" or "the cops are here"
2. "Let's get some food"
3. "I'm going to kill you"

That's it...these three phrases have been known to break up parties...and if you don't believe me, go to Church's Chicken at 2 a.m. on the weekend, and you will hear all three phrases said right away. By 2:30, everybody will be gone...go to Waffle House and repeat, it doesn't fail. Finally, next time you go to the club, and you're on the guestlist, give the guy your name, but also figure out if anybody named Larry J. is on that list, before going in.

Sunday Laredo 10/19/08

Time to open the Sunday Laredo Times! I had all the sections last week, but didn't have the crossword or comics. This week I'll have the crossword and comics, but none of the other sections, except sports. Enjoy!

Crossword








Sorry for the layout, but this was the best crossword I could find...


Comics


'Obama and Biden'



Sorry, kind of hard to read. The three Biden lookalikes are the guy from America's Scariest Police Chases, Jim Carrey's Mask character, and Bob Barker. This is kind of a response to Gov. Palin's appearance on Saturday Night Live, last night. She was wearing these hooker boots that looked kinda hot, but this will be the height of her fame.


Time for picks:


Tennessee (-9) at Kansas City

Kansas City will be able to hang in this game because Tennessee's offense isn't dynamic (24th overall in the NFL). They will not pull away in this game...Kansas City to cover.


B'More (+3) at Miami

Miami is playing with confidence, and they're angry (and they have a quarterback). The Ravens are a little nicked up on D, the O-line is also struggling, and Joe Flacco might have hit the wall in week 6. M.I.A. to cover.


Dallas (-7) at St. Louis

Dallas hasn't been playing well, and cohesion is a major problem. No cohesion = turnovers = not covering. I like St. Louis last week, and now Marc Bulger has another toy to play with, in rookie wideout Donnie Avery...who happened to be the first reciever taken in the draft. I think confidence and momentum will allow this game to be close, but the 'Boys should win...Rams cover.


San Francisco (+10.5) at NY Giants

I thought I wasn't going to pick this game, but I am confident that the Giants will rebound like the champions they are. We're going to run, run, run. Steve Spagnuolo is going to dial up some pressure, because the Giants aren't getting ANY takeaways, and that shit's gotta stop. Eli will spread the ball around, instead of trying to force the ball to Plax. Giants 38 Niners -2. No, I haven't learned my lesson.
LET'S GET THOSE NINERS!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday Night Live

I guess I'm going to watch Sarah Palin on SNL tonight, but it doesn't really pique my interest because (1) I don't think she's that hot and maybe a couple of years from having a full blown turkey neck, and (2) she isn't going to be Vice President, Joe Biden is. Is she the most do-able politican ever? Yes. But, in my world, Nancy Pelosi and Hilary Clinton are do-able, too. There are three live events that need breif attention as I finish up telling you what's good on a Saturday, on TV.

Mizzou at Texas

Just sit back and enjoy this one. If Mizzou loses, that should be the end of their championship run. I want to see them win just to see college football get more f'd up, and a step closer to creating a playoff system.

Red Sox at Rays

After the amazing comeback on Thursday, the Sox have a ton of momentum. The Rays haven't had much negative attention, on a national stage this year, and I want to see how they handle it. They do get to play at home, but the stands are going to be packed with chowder heads from the New England area. I'm praying that Boston or Philly doesn't get a championship, so GO RAYS!

Pavlik - Hopkins

In the fight of the year, one legend (Hopkins) goes up against a soon-to-be legend (Kelly Pavlik). Hopkins hasn't been knocked out, ever...he's been knocked down once. Pavlik isn't afriad to mix it up, and will be looking to damage the 40 year old Hopkins. This is one to sit back and enjoy. Some say it will be boring, I think Pavlik will make it a point to come inside and bring it to Hopkins. Pavlik is also a fighter who gets stronger as the fight progresses. Look for B-Hop to steal some rounds, but in the end the soon-to-be legend will have cemented himself in boxing history. This fight goes the distance, but Pavlik will prevail.

What to Watch 10/18/08

It's a new season of television programming, and if you have DirecTV or digital cable, you know that there is so much crap on that you just stick with what shows you usually watch. It's a pain going through 150 channels when you only watch five or six channels. I'm here to make it even easier for you (today). I'm going to TELL you what to watch and provide expert analysis on why you are going to watch it. All times are in Eastern and, of course, we got picks for college today.

12 ET

U Conn at Rutgers (-2)

Okay...don't watch it, just bet it. U Conn is 5-1, and has no respect for Rutgers. Rutgers is 1-5, and has no respect for Rutgers. Expect Rutgers to lose more recruits, because this is their homecoming game and it's embarrassing to have the fans leaving the stadium with 5:32 left in the third quarter. Stay away from the over/under on this game, unless it's for Rutgers turnovers...then take the over, no matter what it is.

What to really watch....

Paris Hilton's My New BFF - MTV

I haven't seen a minute of this show, but every time I see a commercial for it, some broad is taking a shot and running her mouth. Watch it, and be glad you don't have to put up with it...because at 1 PM, we've got...

1 ET

Whatever Telemundo has on

I have seen this show. I don't know how to pronounce it, and the show may not be the same throughout the years, but I have been watching this time slot since I was a kid. Half-naked, Spanish broads who say nothing, but are shaking it to whatever the mariachi band is playing. Then when they say something, you can tune them out, because they are speaking Spanish. This is the sole reason why I never learned Spanish, by the way. Over/under on the amount of time your hands are in your pants...half an hour. Take the over. Enjoy for an hour, then....

2 ET

Cheaters Marathon – G4 Network

Cheaters is not the greatest show. But, there is something about watching some guy or gal getting cheated on and getting it on tape. The host, Joey Greco, is the biggest instigator. He gets the perpetrating couple on tape, then shows the video evidence to the victim. The victim goes crazy, but usually gets punked by the perpetrators because (1) the victim is usually a guy who ain't hitting it right or a girl who isn't fit enough to keep her man on the reservation, and they find out right there (2) these people are so ghetto that cheating makes sense to ALL parties involved, and (3) if a guys' girl is cheating on him with a black dude, when the black dude is confronted all hell breaks loose and it's a good idea that everybody goes home. Watch one episode, take a nap for an hour, and get ready for...

3:30 ET

Kansas at Oklahoma
or
Ohio State at Michigan State

ABC Regional

I'm picking these two games, but some of you may get North Carolina at Virginia (if that's your regional game...go back to Telemundo and proceed to put your hands in your pants until the primetime games).

Kansas (+20) at Oklahoma (O/U 61)

Kansas played well at Colorado last week. Oklahoma got beat up on the ground last week, and they have to be pissed. Both have good QB's...Oklahoma has a great one, and they want to send a message to the pollsters that they are one of the best 3 or 4 teams in the land (which they are). Kansas' bread and butter is the option. Oklahoma's bread and butter is paying linemen enough to stop the option. Take OU and the over.

Ohio State (-3.5) at Michigan State (O/U 42.5)

Ohio State is horrible against the spread, but this is a game about who is going to make the most (or least) mistakes. Both teams have question marks at the QB spot...and Michigan State has the front runner for the Heisman, in Javon Ringer. Michigan State hasn't played anybody yet, and Ohio State is starting to hit their stride. This is a tune-up for Ohio State's meeting next week against Penn State. Take Ohio State....and the under.

Now you're occupied till 5:30 – 6 ish...Great stuff on at 8...but a perfect filler till then.

6:15 ET

Blue Streak – HBO

One of the funniest movies, ever, starring two of the funniest men ever (Martin Lawrence and Dave Chapelle). It just happens to be an hour and forty-five minutes long so that takes you up to 8.

8 ET

Mizzou at Texas
Pavlik vs. Hopkins
Red Sox at Rays Game 6

There is a reason they call it primetime...these three matchups exemplify it, and I'll make an addendum to this post later today to tell you who I like and why, but it doesn't get much better on a Saturday night.

When you think you're ahead, everybody catches up

The Boston Red Sox completed on the most improbable comebacks ever, last night. I hated it, of course. The Rays were winning and I was enjoying watching all the chowder heads in Boston, as they were drinking themselves into a long postseason (for those who don't come here for my sports commentary, the Rays were winning 7-0, and lost). The series is at 3-2 and all the momentum is going towards Boston. Game on Saturday, in St. Petersburg (wherever that is). Tampa better take care of buisness. For those who come here just to see if I am going to dedicate part of my post to Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus), today is your lucky day.

I wasn't sure how the "law" works, but I was sure that I could figure out a way to date Miley Cyrus in two years, once she turned 18 (damn, did I just write that?). Well, I probably wrote it before. I don't think she's going to be hot (i.e. I don't think she's hot now, because that would be against the "law"), and it's all about cashing in on her empire. I know that she'll be a billionaire, and I that's what turns me on to the idea of making a long time commitment with her (bank account). So my plan was to somehow run into her, and pretend that I don't know who she is (that will probably turn her on, in two years). I will treat her like the queen (ATM) she is, we get married, and I invest her money wisely in real estate (i.e. my own place where I can have ladies over). Great plan, right? Just gotta wait, right? NOPE!!! Some dude named Justin Gaston already beat me to it. The worse part is that he's 20, and her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, is letting it slide. So basically, this dude has the inside lane AND he's got the okay to circumvent the law. According to People Magazine (yes, I read it on the Internet, NOT IN LINE AT THE MOTHER F'N SUPERMARKET WHEN I HAVE NO ITEMS AND I'M JUST IN PEOPLE'S WAY), Billy Ray thinks "it's a good thing". WTF? I wonder what his reaction would be if that was my black ass? Statutory Rape...that's what. When robbery, embezzlement, and wire fraud are the only thing I plan on doing. Here's a picture of the happy couple...

I'm not worried, though...these things never last. If it was two years from now, I might write 'he ain't hittin' it right'.

Transactions

Reggae Boyz Reppin'...Jamaicans on the Rise

It's funny how television programming predicts everything that happens in life. Coming to America is on HBO this month, and I actually am contemplating getting a smooth Geri curl, complete with Soul Glo drip. White Men Can't Jump is also on this month, and I have been hitting cats with nasty crosses all month and dunking on cats left and right (hey, you leave your wheelchair in the lane, you end up on a poster). Cool Runnings was on tonight, and...the Jamaican Soccer Team won a monster game against Honduras at 'The Office', 1-0, to keep their World Cup dreams alive. The Reggae Boyz are for real, only because they have showed resiliency after a loss to Honduras in September, and a much needed coaching change has changed the look of the whole team. I enjoy the fact that Jamaicans are taking over the sports scene...first Usain Bolt, then the Reggae Boyz, then me. Here's a link to the Reggae Boyz website. Notice the Asian broad, modeling the Boyz' merchandise...that's how we roll...I don't know what that means, but it means something. Honduras needs to lose to Mexico, and Jamaica needs to beat Canada next month to advance to the final qualifying round.

Audrey Bitoni released by Laredo Slider, picked up by Penthouse

In a roster move by Laredo Slider, Audrey Bitoni was taken off the front page, and replaced by nothing. After a sub par year of article production, Laredo Slider general manager, Laredo Slider, said the site needed a new look.

“We have some young ladies that we're going to call up to the show, but nothing will be as permanent as the run Ms. Bitoni had on the front page. We are looking to get a girl of the week, or month, or something,” said Mr. Slider.

Ms. Bitoni was picked up right away as Penthouse Pet of the Month for November, and is gracing the cover as we speak. Congrats, Audrey.

Laredo signs with AshleyMadison.com, three times

Okay, my foray into internet dating was well chronicled when I decided to sign up for Jdate. I wanted to find myself a nice Jewish girl, who wanted to piss of her whole family, or create a more ghetto version of Lenny Kravitz. A couple of girls contacted me, but I wasn't prompt with my follow up and I ended up not logging in for a while. I don't think Jewish girls were the niche I was looking for. Good news is, I found my niche, and it's married women. AshleyMadison.com helps married people hookup with other people who are looking to cheat on their spouses. Some of you may know that I'm not married, but there is a classification on the site for single people looking for married people who want to cheat. Whatever...I'm making three profiles...one that says I'm married, one that says I'm single, and one that says I'm a woman looking for a woman. I don't want to mislead anybody, but if you're cheating on your significant other, you deserve it.

Danity Kane Drops Members and Clothes...Cam'Ron Drops Album (eventually) and goes shopping at the zoo for new gear

See the crap I write about just to get hits? Now I'm writing about a girl-band, on a show I have never seen, and I couldn't name a single member in the group. I learned that two members were kicked out for being biatches, and I could care less. What caught my attention was that they did this ad for PETA:

Cool...I'm all for not harming animals, but if he harm a small amount of animals, so chicks get naked, won't we just continue? I think so... I mean, I don't own furs but some of my favorite artist's do, like Cam'ron. The more records he sells, the more Kool-Aid colored furs he can buy, which means more chicks getting naked to stop the killing of animals. Really a win-win in my world. My convoluted message in short: Stop killing animals for fur, but if you do, chicks will stop getting naked for a good cause, but stop killing animals. Oh yeah, Crime Pays by Cam drops early 2009...