Laredo's Hottest Broads Walking the FACE OF THE EARTH, THAT I CAN SEARCH FOR THRU GOOGLE!!!!

I think the writer strike has affected my production. It’s not that I sympathize with these people, and I don’t sympathize with the studios (I do watch movies I don’t pay for…would you rather me be at home talking at the movie loudly, or at a theatre talking at the movie loudly?). It’s the holiday season, and I just want to see everybody get along. I know that the writers aren’t getting their fair cut. There needs to be compromise, or else you will get scabs crossing the picket line, like me. I will write for these TV shows for the same money, no problem. They’ll be better off because of it, too. I will write scenes in Desperate Housewives where a good looking black dude (me) moves on to the block, and causes a ruckus because he gets Eva Longoria pregnant (Desperate Housewives will be considered reality TV, because this good looking brotha (me) will really get Longoria pregnant). This will lead to an episode of Cheaters where Tony Parker suspects his wife of cheating (because of the Escalade-sized condoms in his trash can, and stolen car), only to find that he doesn’t want to bring it to the good looking black guy (me) who is banging out his wife. Must see TV, bitches! Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent…really I want to talk about a contingency plan for the networks if they can’t get good, new programming on the tube. Just assemble five of the hottest honeys, put ‘em in a house with secret cameras, liquor, and plenty of aspirin labeled containers filled with date rape drugs and ecstasy, and call it a day. Who would be the five honeys? That’s what this article is about…THE FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN LIVING NOW!!!!!! (not named Jessica Alba)

I want to do this right. It’s not going to be one through five. I’m just naming five straight up. This is a list of the five hottest girls. In my book, they are all 10 out of 10’s. They are all tied for first. I couldn’t include Alba because she is the obvious. But let’s get started:

Michelle Wie (age 18):

Michelle Wie is like a gallon of milk. You buy it, but really, are you going to drink a gallon of milk before it goes bad? (White people don’t answer). Her shelf life can be questioned. She’s a tall, athletic girl. That means that she will no longer be desirable around age 26 or 27 (she’ll be 6’1”, 170 by then). To top it off, she’s Asian. This is good or bad, depending on how you look at it. She’ll be content with going to Souplantation on special occasions, but she might run you over in your driveway one day. The one thing that Wie can produce, especially if you’re me, is a kid that will be athletic and smart. If I had a chance to “F” Michelle Wie, I would make sure that she swallows only half of my kids, the others will be put to good use (I can see myself now at the 2030 N.B.A. draft). I do think she is hot, and that’s all it takes to be on this list…

Megan Fox (age 21):

Otherwise known as “Mega Fox”, she may be hotter than Alba. She starred in one of the best movies ever (Transformers), and is one of the most stunning women whenever her picture is taken. I really don’t know much about her, other than the fact she was in Transformers, and I the fact I want to do her. Oh yeah, she is engaged to Brian Austin Green (the gay guy, who played himself on 90210). She has six tats (one of the aforementioned homo) which mean she is a freak, in guy language. I should change the name of this article from “Five Hottest Broads” to “Why Brian Austin Green should wear a bulletproof vest”.

Nautica Thorn (age 23)

When I write about these broads, I talk about how I would bang ‘em, and how Michelle Wie would be drinking my kids, etc. The chance of this really happening is small with them. With Ms. Thorn, it is actually pretty good. I just need to come up with the dough. Nautica Thorn is my favorite internet actresses. She’s Asian, like Wie. But she isn’t one of those shifty, math-doing, traffic-fucking up Asians. She’s a put it in any hole, cum-burping, invite your friends Asian. The actual beauty of Nautica is that she is half Jap, a quarter Puerto Rican, and a quarter Hawaiian (which means not only can she hotwire a Honda, she can also cook a pig…which in Black families is a plus).

Vanessa Bryant (age 26)

I have no problem in saying I wanna be like Kobe. LeBron has this commercial where he’s says, “You don’t want to be LeBron James. You wanna be better than Lebron James.” DAAAAMN RIGHT, I wanna be Kobe. I wanna shoot everytime down the court. I want to borderline rape young white ho’s. I wanna have a wife who doesn’t care about either, and still stands by my side, as I keep on doing the same shit. In real life, I wish Vanessa to take out her frustrations of Kobe cheating on her, by cheating on him with me. Then I’ll call up Shaq to get sloppy seconds, and we’ll steal all of Kobe’s memorabilia. Vanessa, if you’re reading this and it turns you on (which it should), shoot me an email.

Vanessa Anne Hudgens (age 18)

I didn’t know who this chick was until tonight. I was looking for a cutting-edge hot chick to be fifth on this list, and I decided on Hannah Montana (I just erased the paragraph, and erased my hard drive). After looking for Hannah Montana pics, I came up on (lol) Vanessa Anne Hudgens. She isn’t in anything I have seen, but she’s hot. This little slut also has a naked pic that surfaced on the internet, which I’m going to post on this site. I think that the picture seals the deal for me. She’s dating some dude who’s smaller than my dick on a 20 degree day. Enjoy the pic:

NY Knicks Preeeeeeeeeview

Today is my preview of the Knicks. I will have predictions, updates, and random shit that goes through my head, as we enter the 2007-08 year.

I want to say that I am a huge Knicks fan and it's good to be a Knicks fan these days. We're entertaining and intriguing. Most Knicks fans are from the northeast. We ain't like Lakers fans, who can be from anywhere. We ain't like Bulls fans, who are just riding the dick of Michael Jordan. We are fans of a team hated everywhere, because of the name of the city written across their chest (just like the Giants and Rangers). We play in the best, most famous basketball arena in the world, and our coach has no problem calling your wife, mom, etc. a bitch. Pundits are picking the Knicks to finish out of the playoffs, just because they are haters. It's the Knicks against the World this year, and I'm going to savor every moment as the Knicks prove the haters wrong!

I don't like to breakdown the lineups, and bench, like Sports Illustrated does it. I like to break teams down, in basketball, by their components. Let's get crackin'

Backcourt: (Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford, Nate Robinson, Fred Jones, Mardy Collins)

The backcourt has talent, but it isn't the cohesive type of talent that some other backcourts have (ex. Billups, Hamilton). The reason is because all of these guys are isolation experts. Nate Robinson looks like an And 1 mixtape. So does J.C. If Marbury is out at the club, he will isolate bitches into his SUV. Not a bad unit, but all these guys have had the label of "needing to grow up". Steph and J.C. start, but look for Fred Jones to start if J.C. can't find his offense (J.C. can be the microwave option).

Three's (Quentin Richardson, Jared Jeffries, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler)

This is a good rebounding group. The only problem is the Q is always injured. If Q is injured, then the other three get their weaknesses exposed with extended minutes (even though Chandler is going to make the other three expendble within the next two years). Q stay healthy, and lay off the ribs and cookies.

Post and Baseline D (Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, David Lee, Randolph Morris, Jerome James)

In the offensive post, there is no other team with better options in the league. Curry and Z-Bo are going to create a bunch of mismatch issues. On D, they are going to have issues. Their biggest issue will be getting back on defense. David Lee is going to have another big year, off the bench (if he sticks around...I smell Ron Artest). Oh yeah, if I see Jerome James in a game, at all, I will drive to New York and set a Jerome James Trap. What's a Jerome James Trap? I'll put a plate of food and a MGD on a table, wait for him to skip practice to consume these items, then I'll wait for him to take his nap, and then cut his legs off. He doesn't need 'em, and doesn't use 'em.

Half court Offense

The Knicks should excel in the half court, and last time I checked the best half court teams win championships. Defense is the issue.

Rebounding

The Knicks will outrebound everybody, period. Curry may not be a great rebounder, but Randolph is good, and Lee and Q-Rich are exceptional at boarding. I just named two guys who had 10 plus a game last year. Not worried about rebounding.

Taking care of the rock

The Knicks will out-turnover everybody period. Z-Bo is a black hole, and any pass from him may be in the first row. Same for Curry. Marbury, Crawford, and Nate may have fancy handles, but they don't make the best decisions. If they want to finish games, they will need to improve here.

Overall Prediction: 45-37

They will suprise people and get a 5 through 7 seed. They will then go to the playoffs where they will push somebody to the limit in the first round. I will weigh in with some opening night stuff later.

Now a little trivia:

What did the Knicks offer the Lakers for Kobe Bryant?

A: a left, and a right...niggawhuuut!?!?!?! GO NY, GO NY GO!!!!!!!

Halloween Review

I haven't written in a couple days. It's probably for a couple reasons: (1) the sports world is in it's slowest days right now, and (2) Halloween = Jail. How can you have a holiday where people get drunk, or have a sugar rush off candy, and females ages 15 through infinity dress like hookers? I thought is was best to lay low when I saw a gang of 15 year olds dressed like hookers/referees, and hookers/hookers. I didn't want to write, and thought that people would think bad things of me once I wrote 'em. But I did go out, and saw some of the most f'd up costumes. But there were three that really stood out that had no thought put into them whatsoever. I call these the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" costumes.

The first was a girl dressed as a Hooters' waitress. I think she was a Hooters' waitress at some other time of her life. She looked like the Hooters' owl to tell you the truth. She had the whole get-up (including the stains from bleu cheese dressing spilled on her shorts...well, we'll call it "bleu cheese dressing"). She must have put on weight after working at Hooters, because she had all the signs of an out of work Hooters' waitress, too (including the stains on her shirt from the wing sauce after spilling them down her throat...well, we'll call it "wing sauce"). To top it off, I seen her at a bar. I put an order in with her. She thought it was a pickup line, until I yelled at her for not bringing my wings out in a timely manner, and I asked to see her manager. Shitty costume, and shitty service.

Next is a dude dressing up as a ho. This is unacceptable. I drink in dark places. If I look on the dance floor and see a skirt and fake tities. I am going to (1) try to see "what's good", and (2) put an order in for 50 breaded, hot wings. Either way, I'm going to end up pissed off. Oh yeah, not to mention it is gay. How does this fit into the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" catagory. Well, I assume these guys used to work at a place where they took it up the ass (like Bally's Total Fitness, or something).

Finally, there is the black dude who decides to be the prisoner. He wears an orange penitentary suit/shirt and thinks that this is a funny costume (this might be the only one that doesn't fit into the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" category...not). Now I have to write the rules for what black dudes can wear on Halloween:

1. Don't wear anything that can implicate you later. So, I go out and wear my prison costume...fight breaks out in the bar, and police round up everybody. They put me in a lineup and who do you think is the brotha they're gonna pick out? Even worse: You goto a house party, and not all the girls are "of age" and the party host is serving liquor (a.k.a. you're drinking beer and the ladies are drinking a concoction known as "Bitch, you got knocked da fuck out!!!"). So you gotta run into the shrubs, or woods. The cops will see you right away. Or go as a serial killer with blood on your shirt. Don't blame anybody but yourself when you get brought in for questioning on a murder, from 1992.

2. Only costumes that include a blunt object are permissable. I don't dress up on Halloween often, but when I do go this rule is number one. Let me rundown what I wore throuout the years: 2006 Barry Bonds (bat), 2004 Tiger Woods (golf club), 2002 Tiger Woods (golf club), 1999 O.J. Simpson (shank), you get the idea. This is the one day out of the year where we are allowed to carry weapons in the streets. After all, they're just "props". An officer can put you in jail for walking down the street with a baseball bat on most days, but not on Halloween. If shit pops off, then you have the ability to break the fight up with a couple of swings.

3. Just go as yourself, it's equally as scary. I went out and there were people dressed up like the grimreapper who walked to the other side of the street when they saw me coming. I saw a Hooters' waitress walking down the street, and she crossed, and didn't even take my order.

That's it for the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" costumes. I hope everybody had a good Halloween...Knicks' Day tomorrow, where I preview the Knicks season, and I give my predicitions to who gets arrested first, for what. ONE!