Halloween Review

I haven't written in a couple days. It's probably for a couple reasons: (1) the sports world is in it's slowest days right now, and (2) Halloween = Jail. How can you have a holiday where people get drunk, or have a sugar rush off candy, and females ages 15 through infinity dress like hookers? I thought is was best to lay low when I saw a gang of 15 year olds dressed like hookers/referees, and hookers/hookers. I didn't want to write, and thought that people would think bad things of me once I wrote 'em. But I did go out, and saw some of the most f'd up costumes. But there were three that really stood out that had no thought put into them whatsoever. I call these the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" costumes.

The first was a girl dressed as a Hooters' waitress. I think she was a Hooters' waitress at some other time of her life. She looked like the Hooters' owl to tell you the truth. She had the whole get-up (including the stains from bleu cheese dressing spilled on her shorts...well, we'll call it "bleu cheese dressing"). She must have put on weight after working at Hooters, because she had all the signs of an out of work Hooters' waitress, too (including the stains on her shirt from the wing sauce after spilling them down her throat...well, we'll call it "wing sauce"). To top it off, I seen her at a bar. I put an order in with her. She thought it was a pickup line, until I yelled at her for not bringing my wings out in a timely manner, and I asked to see her manager. Shitty costume, and shitty service.

Next is a dude dressing up as a ho. This is unacceptable. I drink in dark places. If I look on the dance floor and see a skirt and fake tities. I am going to (1) try to see "what's good", and (2) put an order in for 50 breaded, hot wings. Either way, I'm going to end up pissed off. Oh yeah, not to mention it is gay. How does this fit into the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" catagory. Well, I assume these guys used to work at a place where they took it up the ass (like Bally's Total Fitness, or something).

Finally, there is the black dude who decides to be the prisoner. He wears an orange penitentary suit/shirt and thinks that this is a funny costume (this might be the only one that doesn't fit into the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" category...not). Now I have to write the rules for what black dudes can wear on Halloween:

1. Don't wear anything that can implicate you later. So, I go out and wear my prison costume...fight breaks out in the bar, and police round up everybody. They put me in a lineup and who do you think is the brotha they're gonna pick out? Even worse: You goto a house party, and not all the girls are "of age" and the party host is serving liquor (a.k.a. you're drinking beer and the ladies are drinking a concoction known as "Bitch, you got knocked da fuck out!!!"). So you gotta run into the shrubs, or woods. The cops will see you right away. Or go as a serial killer with blood on your shirt. Don't blame anybody but yourself when you get brought in for questioning on a murder, from 1992.

2. Only costumes that include a blunt object are permissable. I don't dress up on Halloween often, but when I do go this rule is number one. Let me rundown what I wore throuout the years: 2006 Barry Bonds (bat), 2004 Tiger Woods (golf club), 2002 Tiger Woods (golf club), 1999 O.J. Simpson (shank), you get the idea. This is the one day out of the year where we are allowed to carry weapons in the streets. After all, they're just "props". An officer can put you in jail for walking down the street with a baseball bat on most days, but not on Halloween. If shit pops off, then you have the ability to break the fight up with a couple of swings.

3. Just go as yourself, it's equally as scary. I went out and there were people dressed up like the grimreapper who walked to the other side of the street when they saw me coming. I saw a Hooters' waitress walking down the street, and she crossed, and didn't even take my order.

That's it for the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" costumes. I hope everybody had a good Halloween...Knicks' Day tomorrow, where I preview the Knicks season, and I give my predicitions to who gets arrested first, for what. ONE!