Half-Breed Monday

Today, I choose to focus on two, of the three, most famous half breeds that the world has to offer: Halle Berry and Barack Obama (Tiger "El Nigre" Woods being the third). All are great ambassadors to the African-American race (check that... Obama and Woods are, Berry isn't). All are at the top of their professions, BUT it's time for Berry and Obama to do a little self check on their black sides. Lemme explain...

Halle Berry has pictures taken of her, and her newborn in her backyard and she is suing the paparazzi for invasion of privacy.

One, the paparazzi are wasting their time with these pictures. I don't want to see Halle Berry holding kids (in her arms, but in her mouth, I can do that...sorry...had to be done). That's not sexy. There are brothas locked up who can only jerk off to magazines, and this is the crap they put in there? Ridiculous. Secondly, this is exactly what happens when your white side takes over. Six months of litigation and a settlement. But this isn't going to appease Halle Berry's black side (which she has been ignoring for the last 7 years). What she needs to do is get 5 pitbulls (which should be a prerequisite for any black person who makes more than $45,000 a year), a strap (gun), and a dude around the house who knows how to take care of business. I'm not saying get back together with David "Rough" Justice, because he is a wife beater, but stop hanging with these breezy, male model types. I would feel comfortable with Eric Benet or Gabriel Aubry being around the house, if I were trespassing. Now, if Ms. Berry went out with T.I. or 50, I would keep my distance.

Now...for Sen. Obama, who just got back from an important trip overseas, where pundits will dissect whether or not he has what it takes to deal with the rest of the world, if he were to be president.

Mr. Obama...I know you are confident about everything you say or do, and sometimes people think you're arrogant, etc. But, people are going to second guess you if you're talking to proper to foriegn leaders. They'll be like, "I don't know about Obama, he speaks too well as a Negro to get things done overseas. They might think he's talking down to them." Fuck that. Let your Black side take over. When they ask about Afganistan, remember what it was like to walk into that little Afghani deli on the corner for blunts and a fifth of Hen:

Reporter: What do you think about the direction of Afganistan?
Black Obama: I think dey betta stop following me around (the store) before I put my foot up dey ass! Dey shit's stale anyways, and that nigga Akmed be spitting when he talks...

When they ask about Cuba, and the inevitable leadership change there...remember what it was like going to the club, and getting into it with some Cubans:

Reporter: Are you pleased with what's going on in Cuba?
Obama: I don't say shit! You gotta be careful wit dem niggas...they like to play baseball, so you know dey got some bats in the trunk...

Another good trick would be to pretend that you don't know the difference between Cuba and Puerto Rico. The key is making the rest of the world think you are crazier then they are (a popular Black fighting technique, when we don't really wanna fight).

So, Ms. Berry and Sen. Obama, keep up what you do, but do it with soul, with conviction, and with a fifth of Henny pumping through your veins, and people won't fuck wit ya.

Dream Team

The Dream Team played in Vegas yesterday, and put on a show, routing the Canadians by fitty. The team is the best team since the original version, and will destroy the world in Beijing. They actually bring up a very good question, though. Would I care about the Olympics if there wasn't a Dream Team going there? No. Do I care about one-legged sprinters trying to make it to Beijing, or sick passes from J-Kidd? J-Kidd. Do I care if Iraq sends athletes to the Olympics, or Kobe lighting up some third-world country for 70? Kobe. Do I care about a 41 year-old American swimmer who is defying all odds to go for gold, or LeBron dunking so hard on a Chinaman that they change the name of General Tso's Chicken to Kentucky Fried Chicken? Of course, KFC. So those are the story lines I care about, other than watching gymnastics to figure out with Eastern Bloc ho's are flexible enough to handle my pommel horse (and when they light the flame with that giant joint).

Signs of the Apocalypse

I was thinking about how good it feels to be a Mets fan today, versus a month and a half ago, when I wrote my last article. The Mets just finished beating the crap outta the Phillies to take first place today, and Carlos Delgado was the hero. The funny thing about the article, last month, was that I called Carlos Delgado a bum (and the season isn't done yet, so he hasn't lifted that tag yet). Since then he's been the catalyst of the Mets offense (he's hitting .307, 11 dongs, 30 ribbies since the article), and the pitching has been phenomenal. So this is starting to look familiar...like the time I wrote the article about the Giants being good enough to win it all in October last year (NO!!!!! Your never going to stop hearing about that!!!). I'm going on a limb right now, and saying that the Mets have what it takes to win the mediocre National League, and who knows? Maybe win it all... But enough about the Mets, because they have been known to shit on my emotions before (and, with their payroll, they should win the NL)...

I have been in Vegas for a while, and every day's temperature averages 106-ish...so I believe the world is going to hell in a hand basket, and all the earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. are proof. I believe in positive and negative energy (drinks) and there are reasons for these phenomenons...

1. Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is putting a stamp on her career that will make her the most successful cast member of Saved by The Bell.

When I watched Saved By the Bell back in the day, I thought that order of hotness of all the girls went like this:

1. Kelly Kapowski
2. Lisa Turtle
3. Jessie Spano

Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) went on to 90210, then disappeared. Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhees) straight up disappeared. The guys on the show Zach Morris and Screech, went on to NYPD Blue and home porn respectively (yes, Screech was in a porno called Saved by the Smell which we will no longer talk about). And the one transsexual cast member, A.C. Slater, is now hosting America Best Dance Crew on MTV (it's amazing...he actually makes J.C. Chasez look straight). Back to the ladies...how has Jessie Spano shot to the top of the charts? First was Showgirls, which came out in 1995 when I was a young boy of only 13 inches. This opened my eyes to the world of after midnight Cinemax. Now she's going to be on the L-Word...a show about carpet eaters on Showtime. I'll never watch this show, but at least the girl is working hard doing things that make sense, like other chicks. Therefore, she is the most accomplished member of the Saved by the Bell crew, which I could have never predicted.

2. Madonna ends A-Rod's marriage

I hate to bring up Kobe in this discussion (because he makes the world a better place), but what happened to the days when a star athlete would put his marriage on the rocks by banging a hooker, stripper, or high school (I mean college) girl , and denying it until his wife forgave him? A-Rod decides to get caught banging Madonna, and it's not like he owns a time machine. She's 35 and not hot anymore. If I'm paying a guy $27 million a year, I want him to mess with a $27 million dollar a year girl (a.k.a. 5 girls every night, using all holes). Otherwise, stick to being married, and don't let your personal life affect the team. Why is he married anyways? All I know is that I can start writing more slanderous articles about gay encounters between him and Derek Jeter, and that's a good thing.


3. NBA players are heading overseas for more money

I could write a real sports article on how the basketball landscape is changing, and how David Stern needs to change the financial structure of the NBA to allow teams to actually make a profit, but that ain't happening. Bottom line is mid-tier players are getting more money to play in Europe (translation: brothas are getting more money to ball in Europe, and we all know how much European ho's love the brothas...BALLIN'!!!!). So, how is this the sign of the apocalypse? Well, lets put it this way...what happens if Ron Artest signs to play in Iran? Then he knocks up the whole female population. Then in twenty-five years, we'll have a Ayatollah Ron Artest Jr....then the United States will have a real problem. This could happen and David Stern needs to step in a prevent this from happening! I mean...the second Ron Artest steps inside of the Iranian border, they officially have a weapon of mass destruction, and we would have to bomb them back to the Stone Age (a.k.a. Iran circa 2006). I know Ron Ron ain't signing there, but some other ignorant brotha will, and the U.S. will feel the wrath if we're not careful.


no photoshop needed...

So there it is...three signs of the apocalypse...actually four, because Carlos Delgado can actually catch up to a belt-high 89 m.p.h. fastball. Let's GO METS!!!