Half-Breed Monday

Today, I choose to focus on two, of the three, most famous half breeds that the world has to offer: Halle Berry and Barack Obama (Tiger "El Nigre" Woods being the third). All are great ambassadors to the African-American race (check that... Obama and Woods are, Berry isn't). All are at the top of their professions, BUT it's time for Berry and Obama to do a little self check on their black sides. Lemme explain...

Halle Berry has pictures taken of her, and her newborn in her backyard and she is suing the paparazzi for invasion of privacy.

One, the paparazzi are wasting their time with these pictures. I don't want to see Halle Berry holding kids (in her arms, but in her mouth, I can do that...sorry...had to be done). That's not sexy. There are brothas locked up who can only jerk off to magazines, and this is the crap they put in there? Ridiculous. Secondly, this is exactly what happens when your white side takes over. Six months of litigation and a settlement. But this isn't going to appease Halle Berry's black side (which she has been ignoring for the last 7 years). What she needs to do is get 5 pitbulls (which should be a prerequisite for any black person who makes more than $45,000 a year), a strap (gun), and a dude around the house who knows how to take care of business. I'm not saying get back together with David "Rough" Justice, because he is a wife beater, but stop hanging with these breezy, male model types. I would feel comfortable with Eric Benet or Gabriel Aubry being around the house, if I were trespassing. Now, if Ms. Berry went out with T.I. or 50, I would keep my distance.

Now...for Sen. Obama, who just got back from an important trip overseas, where pundits will dissect whether or not he has what it takes to deal with the rest of the world, if he were to be president.

Mr. Obama...I know you are confident about everything you say or do, and sometimes people think you're arrogant, etc. But, people are going to second guess you if you're talking to proper to foriegn leaders. They'll be like, "I don't know about Obama, he speaks too well as a Negro to get things done overseas. They might think he's talking down to them." Fuck that. Let your Black side take over. When they ask about Afganistan, remember what it was like to walk into that little Afghani deli on the corner for blunts and a fifth of Hen:

Reporter: What do you think about the direction of Afganistan?
Black Obama: I think dey betta stop following me around (the store) before I put my foot up dey ass! Dey shit's stale anyways, and that nigga Akmed be spitting when he talks...

When they ask about Cuba, and the inevitable leadership change there...remember what it was like going to the club, and getting into it with some Cubans:

Reporter: Are you pleased with what's going on in Cuba?
Obama: I don't say shit! You gotta be careful wit dem niggas...they like to play baseball, so you know dey got some bats in the trunk...

Another good trick would be to pretend that you don't know the difference between Cuba and Puerto Rico. The key is making the rest of the world think you are crazier then they are (a popular Black fighting technique, when we don't really wanna fight).

So, Ms. Berry and Sen. Obama, keep up what you do, but do it with soul, with conviction, and with a fifth of Henny pumping through your veins, and people won't fuck wit ya.