Signs of the Apocalypse

I was thinking about how good it feels to be a Mets fan today, versus a month and a half ago, when I wrote my last article. The Mets just finished beating the crap outta the Phillies to take first place today, and Carlos Delgado was the hero. The funny thing about the article, last month, was that I called Carlos Delgado a bum (and the season isn't done yet, so he hasn't lifted that tag yet). Since then he's been the catalyst of the Mets offense (he's hitting .307, 11 dongs, 30 ribbies since the article), and the pitching has been phenomenal. So this is starting to look familiar...like the time I wrote the article about the Giants being good enough to win it all in October last year (NO!!!!! Your never going to stop hearing about that!!!). I'm going on a limb right now, and saying that the Mets have what it takes to win the mediocre National League, and who knows? Maybe win it all... But enough about the Mets, because they have been known to shit on my emotions before (and, with their payroll, they should win the NL)...

I have been in Vegas for a while, and every day's temperature averages 106-ish...so I believe the world is going to hell in a hand basket, and all the earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. are proof. I believe in positive and negative energy (drinks) and there are reasons for these phenomenons...

1. Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is putting a stamp on her career that will make her the most successful cast member of Saved by The Bell.

When I watched Saved By the Bell back in the day, I thought that order of hotness of all the girls went like this:

1. Kelly Kapowski
2. Lisa Turtle
3. Jessie Spano

Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) went on to 90210, then disappeared. Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhees) straight up disappeared. The guys on the show Zach Morris and Screech, went on to NYPD Blue and home porn respectively (yes, Screech was in a porno called Saved by the Smell which we will no longer talk about). And the one transsexual cast member, A.C. Slater, is now hosting America Best Dance Crew on MTV (it's amazing...he actually makes J.C. Chasez look straight). Back to the ladies...how has Jessie Spano shot to the top of the charts? First was Showgirls, which came out in 1995 when I was a young boy of only 13 inches. This opened my eyes to the world of after midnight Cinemax. Now she's going to be on the L-Word...a show about carpet eaters on Showtime. I'll never watch this show, but at least the girl is working hard doing things that make sense, like other chicks. Therefore, she is the most accomplished member of the Saved by the Bell crew, which I could have never predicted.

2. Madonna ends A-Rod's marriage

I hate to bring up Kobe in this discussion (because he makes the world a better place), but what happened to the days when a star athlete would put his marriage on the rocks by banging a hooker, stripper, or high school (I mean college) girl , and denying it until his wife forgave him? A-Rod decides to get caught banging Madonna, and it's not like he owns a time machine. She's 35 and not hot anymore. If I'm paying a guy $27 million a year, I want him to mess with a $27 million dollar a year girl (a.k.a. 5 girls every night, using all holes). Otherwise, stick to being married, and don't let your personal life affect the team. Why is he married anyways? All I know is that I can start writing more slanderous articles about gay encounters between him and Derek Jeter, and that's a good thing.


3. NBA players are heading overseas for more money

I could write a real sports article on how the basketball landscape is changing, and how David Stern needs to change the financial structure of the NBA to allow teams to actually make a profit, but that ain't happening. Bottom line is mid-tier players are getting more money to play in Europe (translation: brothas are getting more money to ball in Europe, and we all know how much European ho's love the brothas...BALLIN'!!!!). So, how is this the sign of the apocalypse? Well, lets put it this way...what happens if Ron Artest signs to play in Iran? Then he knocks up the whole female population. Then in twenty-five years, we'll have a Ayatollah Ron Artest Jr....then the United States will have a real problem. This could happen and David Stern needs to step in a prevent this from happening! I mean...the second Ron Artest steps inside of the Iranian border, they officially have a weapon of mass destruction, and we would have to bomb them back to the Stone Age (a.k.a. Iran circa 2006). I know Ron Ron ain't signing there, but some other ignorant brotha will, and the U.S. will feel the wrath if we're not careful.


no photoshop needed...

So there it is...three signs of the apocalypse...actually four, because Carlos Delgado can actually catch up to a belt-high 89 m.p.h. fastball. Let's GO METS!!!

NBA DRAFT LIVE BLOG!

It's that time of the year...time for my "Basketball Super Bowl", the NBA Draft. A lot of you may be wondering why the Draft is the culmination of my basketball year, and the reason is...I'M A PROUD KNICKS FAN!!!! We are tied for first right now, and tonight will be a huge indication on what the Donnie Walsh/Mike D'Antoni era is all about...

BTW...some of you may be saying, "Laredo, you're black...isn't the NBA All-Star game your Super Bowl?" It isn't because the All-Star weekend is too dangerous, and no players on my team ever go, so I'm not a big "let's go to All-Star weekend and get crunk" kinda guy...oh yeah

There needs to be a reality show that follows Imus to All-Star weekend. I'm pretty sure he is super-not welcome at any All Star weekend event...especially when Adam "Pacman" Jones has a lifetime title of "Master of Cermonies and Making it Rain and Having People Sprayed Up of the NBA All Star Weekend"....

Anyways....drinks? Check... ESPN on? Check... Live Blog Active? Check... Gas Can and Matches with a one way flight to Madison Square Garden? Check... OKAY, KNICKS!!!! LET'S GO!!!!!!

4:30 ET

Stu Scott is already pissing me off...

4:31 ET

David Stern is pissing me off...Bulls on da clock, no doubt Derrick Rose

4:36 ET

Derrick Rose...one the eventual great point guards in the league...He has everything, and the moves that most guards pick up later in their careers (midrange, teardrop, etc.) he has right now. I hate the Bulls, but this was a no brainer and he will be better than Beasley.

4:41 ET

NO!!!! Stephen A. is interviewing these guys after they're picked?!?! Will he automatically rip the guy the Knicks pick, right to his face?

4:43 ET

Beasley numba two to the Heat...Marion and Beasley on the front line will look like something out of Chernobyl...they're both athletic freaks, and Beasley has orange hair...and so does his mom! Good pick...let's see if he's going to be a Heat for much longer...

4:45 ET

Okay...as a Knicks fan, this is the most important part of the draft...T'Wolves and Sonics...two teams that can throw up major bricks, and what do you know? The f'n T'Wolves take Ovington J'Anthony Mayo...a.k.a. the O.J. that went to USC who didn't kill anybody. The Knicks needed the Wolves to pick Brook "Next Chris Mihm" Lopez....I know the Sonics are looking to pull a tank job on the city of Seattle, so Brook "My last name is Lopez, and I look like a white guy, but I still drink Tecate" Lopez could go next....

4:53 ET

Settle on the clock and David Stern says through his shit-eating grin:??????

Russell Westbrook...DGLjarl;f jarlharh jadl; galdgas fuck!!! I wanted him, but that means one of two things: The Knicks have the ability to pick either Bayless or Love (two guys I really like) or Gallinari (who I wan't to stay away from, but I wouldn't be pissed with) and (2) a trade for Memphis' 5 (while keeping the six) is definitly possible because shedding payroll, for the Griz, will be better for this team than picking a young guy who they're unsure of (a lot of guys didn't seem like they wanted to work out for Memphis)...hopefully D. "the game fixer" Stern comes back announcing a trade that the Knicks have the 5 and 6....

5:01 ET

Love to the Grizz...say what you want about the Gasol trade, but they will have Conley, Crittenton, Gay, Love (lol...gay love), and Milicic 1 thru 5, whoever they trade Mike Miller for, plus they will be under the cap around the same time these five start getting good together...good pick, but I'm concerned with the next pick, so let's go Knicks!!!

5:05 ET

I WANT BAYLESS!

5:07 ET

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Danilo Gallinari

Gas can...check...matches, check....why didn't we draft Bayless?

5:10 ET
Danilo: "I like to win and play hard" "I like to win and play hard" "I would like to help the team win"

We've had Italian players before, we got Chef-Boy-Ar-Dee playing center, and fucking Al Capone playing power forward......sdagljawr ha;erlhjelhaer lh

I'm taking a half hour off

5:13 ET

Eric Gordon goes 7 to the Clips...a bust to be...with Bayless and Augustin on the board, the Knicks need to see if they can make a deal...WHY?!?!! GALLINARI?!?!

Tell me something I didn't know...GFY Edition

Tell me something I didn't know...

It's a sarcastic cliche that people use all the time...here's another one: Go Fuck Yourself. So today, I bring back an old favorite of mine, the GFY (Go Fuck Yourself) list. The theme will be things I know but am pissed about. Simple enough...

1. The NBA is fixed...

You don't have to look far from last night's NBA Finals game two. I'm not saying Boston didn't deserve to win, but I am saying that the referee's were sooooooooo into the vibe that the home crowd was giving off, they made a ton of calls for the Celtics, and not many for the Lakers. All you have to do is look at the offensive foul they called for Kobe's 2nd foul and look no further. I'm not saying that they were giving calls to the Celtics, but they were calling nothing for the Lakers. I expect the Lakers to get the same calls, in L.A....but in the end it comes down to David Stern...who get's a big GFY.

Update (6:15 P.M. EST) - Tim Donaghy just said that the 2002 Western Conference Semis (Lakers beat the Kings in 7) were fixed by two refs...I remember watching those games and thinking something was up, but something is telling me Donaghy is telling the truth, and the NBA is in deep do-do (shit).

2. Carlos Delgado is a bum

I know that he's almost 36 and regular humans don't get better as they get older, but here are some assumptions about Carlos Delgado that I have to get off my chest (this is after watching him boot a ground ball in yesterday's game in San Diego...yeah, I know he gotta couple of hits, BUT he still a bum). Here are the assumptions (and he's a class act, so it's kinda hard to lower the boom on him, but at LS.com nobody is exempt):

1. I'm under the impression that Carlos was on something...

YES, I am accusing Delgado of juicing. He's smaller than he was when he first came to the Mets, his production has gone down the shitter, and he swings and misses too much. He gets beat with fastballs in places where he didn't before. He wants to get to 500 HR's and is 61 away...Bring the girl ya brought to the dance...the little green homerun hitters (that's a foreshadow for number 3)

2. His passiveness is the reason the Mets are passive.

So we got this big, black guy playing first base...and he's a pussy (well, let's just say I think he's too laid back, but someone can be "laid back" and still have the fire to hustle every play, AND FIELD GROUND BALLS). I do think he is a good human being, but on the baseball field, he's the guy who bridges the gap between the English speaking vets, and the Latin speaking vets. He needs to be on the back page of the paper more often calling people "Gringos" and "Maricons". He needs to show some fire, and he might get angry and start playing better. A good Delgado, plus a healthy Alou, is what makes the lineup go. The Mets have to be the team that NO team is scarred of charging the mound against. There is no edge. If Delgado said more, then the whole team would have more of a bravado, and the Mets would win the NL East.

3. Carlos Delgado isn't the same person as of two years ago...He's really Pedro Cerrano...

Remember in Major League when Pedro Cerrano needed to sacrifice a live chicken to ensure he was going to have a good game? (for those of you too young to remember, it's a must watch...for those of you to young to remember that are female...310-903-3796). Then they got a bucket of KFC instead, and Pedro hit a game tying home run, and the Indians won the AL East. Well Carlos Delgado came to the Mets, hits some home runs, the Mets won the NL East...but it isn't a coincidence. A great sequel was expected in both. Didn't happen. Remember the crapshed movie that was Major League 2? Remember the crapshed season that was 2007 for the Mets? Both had Carlos Cerrano's fingerprints all over them. Remember Major League 3? Ya know about the '08 Mets... So I'm pretty confident that they ARE the same person. When you look at their pictures...it's no wonder they have never been seen in the same place.




See, same guy...So here is a big GFY to Carlos Delgado...GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER!! (translation: I know a good HGH guy..310-903-3796)

Stay tuned for a David Wright/Roger Dorn article in 10 years....

3. The Chicago Bears need a QB

This might be the only "Tell me something I didn't know..." that's super obvious, BUT... here's the issue. Cedric Benson, Chicago's star, bust running back got nailed for driving under the influence TWICE, in Texas, in the last month (once in a boat, once in a car with some big ass rims). Then the Bears released him yesterday(okay...I started off saying the Bears needed a QB...but I don't wanna talk about it...I wanted to take a stance on how certain NFL players get a long leash, and some don't...but I woulda cut this bitchassni**a last year... there is no real purpose for "The Chicago Bears need a QB"...I just think it's time for a run-on sentence in CAPS, even though white people say 'you speak so well', because FUCKDAPOLICE). YA'LL THINK BECAUSE A BROTHA IS DRIVING A BOAT, AND HE'S GOT COGNAG ON BOARD, HE'S DRUNK? LIKE WE PLAN ON CRASHIN DAT SHIT AND SWIMMIN TO SHORE WE PLAN ON DRINKIN YAK BIG PIMPIN, SON WE AIN'T GETTIN OUR GATORS WET OR TAKING SWIMMIN' LESSONS AND SO WHAT I GOT A FRESH LINE UP, FRESH OUTFIT, BOUT TO HAVE THE PARKING LOT ON SMASH YOU AIN'T GOTTA PULL A BROTHER OVER BECAUSE HE GOT A CHEVY WITH A 454 IN THE HOOD, 125 ON DA DASH!!!

(back to 'you speak so well' mode):

Here's a hearty GFY to all Po'lice who got gotta hate on a brotha because he's flossin'...GFY, puercos...

So, GFY's to David Stern and da' Police (who have to have the most GFY's ever), and a GFY to Carlos Pedro Cerrano Delgado....

Peace, and see ya'll, tomorrow?

Summer Snatch - Finals Edition

It seems like every time I take a hiatus from writing my article, I reinvent a part of myself, so I can come back with fresh ideas. But, I'm a guy, so the only thing I have my mind on is sex, sports, food, cars, and drinking...so my ideas are as fresh as Audrey Bitoni's pee flapper after a hard day's work (Ms. Bitoni is the girl above, and if ya thought I matured during my hiatus, then you'll also believe that she is a virgin...in all holes). The sports seasons are changing, though. The NBA Finals just kicked off (the draft is coming up), baseball is in full swing, and hockey just ended. Throw in the French Open and Big Brown's eventual Triple Crown victory and you have a smörgåsbord of phenomenal sporting events. You know what's going on already...but you want predictions. And I got 'em...

Lemme start with the NBA...

We're one game into the Finals, and we're in for a classic. This is what the NBA needed, and I think the Lakers are going to pull it off. But here are the most important storylines to pay attention to:

1. Will Stuart Scott stop threatening viewers, and will his eye finally roll out of his head on live TV?

Stuart Scott is dangerously approaching Chris Berman level...fuck dat...he's at Dane Cook's level. Like Dane Cook, he's not funny, he's long winded, and he's probably been closer to Jessica Alba than I have, which is a travesty. The f'd up thing is before every commercial break he's like, "Don't turn the channel or we'll come to your house and pull the cable out." Word?!?! Please, Stuart, come to my house and try! You probably couldn't see the number on my house with your gooogly eye. Why did they get rid of Dan Patrick? Where is he? FIND HIM AND GET HIM IN THERE!! While we're on the subject of the TV coverage

2. Do all the commentators have to be former Knicks?

Van Gundy, Mark Jackson, Mike Breen, Marv Albert...the list goes on and on. It's not like they are bad commentators, but it just opens the door for a Stephon Marbury/Isaiah Thomas broacasting team in a couple years. I can see it now

Steph: That was a great play by Chris Paul.

Isaiah: It was similar to something I would do back in the day.

S: I know what else you would do back in the day...that 16 year old girl sitting in row 3.

Isaiah: That's it! Your suspneded...until the next commercial break.

S: Let's throw it back to Stuart Scott who's on location at Laredo's house, trying to pull out the cable. Stuart?

Stuart Scott: Hi...I'm at LaredoSlider's house where I just had my good eye stabbed out....

Laredo Slider: BoooYah, muthafucka!!

3. Kobe is a better teammate, and he's got AIDS.

All the commentators are saying, "Kobe's a better teammate", and, "He's one of the guys now". Not true at all...here's the translation: He's not banging out broads in every city he goes to now. That's it. Why is he hanging out with the guys? Because he probably got some disease that doesn't allow him to fuck (wheather they like it or not) girls without getting sued. The only whole in this theory is that if Kobe had AIDS, it would be cured tomorrow.

Anyways...Lakers in 7...I'll talk draft tomorrow...next my baseball prediction

The Cubs and White Sox will play in the World Series, and there will be a bench clearing brawl.

It will be Ozzie Guillen, Aramis Ramirez, and Carlos Zambrano vs. everybody in the stands and on the field. It'll be great. Pitbulls and chickens will come outta nowhere.

In tennis, Ana Ivanovic will win the French Open, and give me a exclusive interview afterwards.

The interview will be viewable on eskimotube.com...Search for keywords: foreign objects, tennis rackets, trophy, anal, shooting tennis balls, and facial.

Okay...last prediction

Big Brown will win the Triple Crown, only to have it taken away after it is found out that it's just Barry Bonds in a horse costume.

It's obvious the horse is on steroids, and it's named Big Brown. By the way, it's great that the horse is named Big Brown. If Big Brown wins, EVERY BLACK MAN IN THE WORLD HAS TO GO TO A BAR TONIGHT AND USE A PICKUP LINE WITH BIG BROWN IN IT. This is a godsend! I've been practing:

"Did you see the race today? Big Brown won...by 13 inches"

or

"I heard that Big Brown needs a new jockey, and is only auditioning white girls"

or

"Hey, baby...lets go back to my stable, so I can introduce you to Big Brown...but, I must warn you...he spits"

or

"Whoops...wrong hole...but, if you leave a Big Brown spot on my sheets...that's yo ass."

or

"I help you pay for the euthanization of any Little Brown's"

Sorry...abortion isn't a joke. Lemme change the last one.

"If you say that kid is mine...I'll run like Big Brown."

There ya go...now you have a guide to sports for the Summer. I didn't want to make a long article, so I'll give ya another one tomorrow. Some Obama/Clinton things, NBA draft, and a recap of how my pickup lines go...I'm out like Big Brown before he spits in some girls eye....

I Know What You Did Last Winter, youblackmothafucka!

I haven't posted in a month and a half. Just some random thoughts, and mailbag stuff...

WOOOO!!! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. A month and a week off from writing articles, and I have been taking mental notes on what I should write about once I returned. A ton of ideas have gone through my head (most of them around 1:45 a.m., with my hand in my pants). This includes what type of changes I should make for the new year, to the website. You may wonder, "Laredo, it's March, how is it the New Year?" In the sports fan's world, there are two years in one calendar year. You may wonder, "Laredo, does that mean the 17 year old I'm banging is really 34 and I shouldn't go to jail?" No, she's really 17. Savor every minute of it while you're on the outside. But, back to the New Year, and why March kicks off what will be a special year.

It's almost Spring. Daytona, Spring Training, and Golf get fired up and March Madness takes over my life. It's such a new year and love is in the air. All of my friends have either (A) serious girlfriends, (B) new loves, or C an affinity for Subway sandwiches, sports, making white people nervous, making Asian people nervous, gambling, massages, stealing movies off the Internet, and making a lewd comment whenever a 17 through 19 and a half year old girl passes by. I fall into the C category, and I'm beginning to think that its getting kinda old. I need to start a family. I need to spread my seed. I need to turn the last sentence into a joke involving some young starlets face. So, I'm going to going to make a concerted effort to find Mrs. Laredo Slider over the next year. I'm going balls to the wall with this one. I'm going to get in better shape. I'm going to make a effort to listen to girls when they talk at me. I'm unleashing shock and awe on Jdate. I'm going to high school career days. I'll also go through the ladies' mail to answer questions that give them a better understanding of me, as I will want to pick their brains so I can figure out how to get them to trust me so I can empty their bank accounts and raw dawg them so I can have a young LeBron Laredo Slider in 18 years...I mean have a meaningful relationship. Let's get into the mailbag:

Mailbag

You are a horrible writer...you totally make fun of women and are racist.

-Sum Dum Ho, Anytown, USA

This is actually the gist of 75% of the emails I received in the last month. I think I'm a good writer, and that's all that counts...you must realize that this site is intended for people who have a sense of humor. You may not guess what nationality I am when you read a random entry. Well...I'm a Brown American. That means that there is a double standard that says that I can say anything I want. The funny thing is that people get offended when I write about their nationality, but love it when I make fun of Asians or Jews. Everybody has been made fun of, and written about, so to all the people who have issues with it...Go Fuck Yourself.

I' neyer see a prenis sooo brig!

-Massage Lady, Las Vegas, NV

This is actually the gist of 100% of the dialogue I receive when I get a massage.

The Patriots blew it, I know...I have gone totally Hollywood, and if I see you on the streets, I expect you to punch me in the face and turn it into a public urinal.

-Bill Simmons, ESPN

He didn't really write this, but it's funny how stupid New England/Boston fans are when they DON'T live in New England. I understand that you may watch every game, every night, but because you live in a city where they aren't talking about your team, you think it's Boston against the world. You guys won a couple of World Series because the National League can't produce a legit World Series contender. You squeeked out three Super Bowls (I was rooting for ya'll in all three, I must admit), and you lost to the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS in a loss so bad, it erased one of the other Super Bowl wins ya had. Every time a Pats fan said 'Best Team Ever' the sports gods got pissed and Cleveland Steamered your whole season. If you don't win the AL this year, and you don't win the lowly Eastern Conference in the NBA, consider it rough justice. I thought that it would be a good idea to leave the Super Bowl prediction article up for a month while I basked in the glory of one of the most satisfying championships in city history. I made a 44-24 prediction because I knew the Giants were younger, faster, and stronger. The game felt like a 20-point blowout at the end, and I can't say anything that hasn't been said, but here is a GFY: To all bandwagon Giants fans, and Boston fans, who are the most myopic people in the world. I hate seeing people vehemently root against the Giants, then they say, "oh, I knew they would win all along", or, "they were lucky". SUCK IT! You all knew who you are, and this championship was for the real fans, and none, NONE, of your teams can do anything that can sniff what the 2007-08 Giants did. I found out Boston fans are jaded, and they want to be like Yankee fans, so they acted like Yankee fans, and got the fat end of a Louisville Slugger right where the sun don't shine. And...

Yeah...so what, I wear a Eli Manning jersey for a month straight. I washed it once and there is so much body spray pumped into it, I expect to get tackled by a pyramid of cheerleaders any minute now. HE IS THE MVP OF THE GAME THAT COUNTS!!! And, all black people who said to me, "why don't you wear a black man's jersey?" (nobody has said this to me, but I was at a Waffle House where I thought I was going to get lynched because of it) THIS ISN'T 1960!!! I can wear a white man's jersey! Besides, it's the number 10...if Kordell Stewart comes back to play QB for the Giants, I have NO problem prying the "MANNING" off the back of the jersey, and putting "STEWART" on the back. So here is a GFY to all Giants Apparell Haters. I beat off every time that Giants Championship Sports Illustrated commercial comes on. Haters include Bill Simmons who said he was tired of bandwagon Giants fans he sees in L.A. Message to Simmons: if I see you on the street and I'm wearing my Kordell Stewart/Eli Manning jersey, and you say one word to me....run, nukka! You're lucky I'm on some sort of parole in the state of California, but I got two strikes to burn, bitch! One of my readers put you in your place when they wrote you this e-mail:

The B in Bandwagon stands for Beantown. I'm from NY but live in Los Angeles now and have been a fan of the G-Men my whole life. I will not pretend to argue that 90% of the people you saw could tell you the name of the TE who started for the Giants in the Super Bowl, let alone be able to recognize David Tyree on the street if it weren't for the copious number of tv interviews. However, if you want to talk about Bandwagons begin at home. The Celtics are not the biggest offender, your Red Sox have made unprecidented "fans" especially in the past year. Please ask the next idiot you see wearing a Red Sox hat here in LA the simplest of Bo-Sox trivia ?'s and Im sure the response will be silence. A run as large as that B-wagon jump couldn't be replicated if So Cal knocked down the gate to Mexico and painted a south-facing banner that read "Tecate Gratis!" As my other fav blogger writes "You gotta b F****** kiddin me!" GO GIANTS!!!

Random Thoughts

The page needs a new look

I decided that I would only use this page template whenever a team of mine is in contention for a championship. It was good luck for the G-Men, and it will be good luck for the Mets this fall. The only other thing that I was getting used to was seeing Nautica Thorn on my banner, and I'm going to miss when I take her off. I will say that she is going to be in the inaugural class for the Laredo Slider Hall of Fame. The new LS girl will be Audrey Bitoni (click her name for a little sample of her superior acting skills). I will also put some new links on the side. I have a link for breast cancer support, one for AIDS, one for cystic fibrosis, and one for Barack Obama's website. I think that these are great causes and there should be some good done by the website (oh yeah, click on “Audrey Bitoni” to see another website where you see her get done good)....

P.S. - Miss Bitoni, don't get a big head for being Laredo's Cover Girl of the Moment...Mariah Milano is right on your heels

Audrey Bitoni (half German, half Spanish)

Don't drive across the country unless you have to

I just mentioned I spent some time in a Waffle House. That's because I took a trip across the country. In my predictions for '08, I mentioned that I was going to get pulled over for no reason, and get asked to leave the car for no reason. I am proud to tell ya'll that happened one afternoon last week (I'm telling ya, those predictions are going to come true. I will be at the head of the Hannah Montana empire in no time...and while we're on the subject of H. Montana...is it weird when you, or your homies, are flipping though the channels and then it says 'Hannah Montana' on the on-screen guide, and for some reason the channel surfing stops for 4 seconds, then continues? I mean...I can get through the foreign channels in 2 seconds flat...but once I get to the Nickelodeon section of the dial, shit slows down. Can I erase the last 5 sentences?) So....I get pulled over because I was black and wearing a Kordell Stewart jersey (I was basically asking for it). I wasn't speeding, I wasn't swerving, and I wasn't ghostriding the whip (but I had the urge to). The wonderful police officer of Memphis, Tennessee asked me where I was going, and when he didn't smell any malt liquor on me, he let me go. Pretty uneventful, but worth talking about. Here's a GFY to all police departments everywhere. You dumbasses shouldn't pull over people just because they are black, and look guilty (sorry for the redundancy).

That's it...there will be a post everyday...your comments are also apprecitated, so keep 'em coming. Peace...

Super Bowl Pick

Today is the day...three hours away...this is how it's going down (BTW, no live blog...I'm already too drunk)...

I arrive at unknown person's Super Bowl party. I smile, and immediately look around to see what kind, and how many, of "B's" are in attendance. B's are anything that start with B that can get a party started: Beer, Blunts, Broads, Bratwurst, Bitches, Ballons (with helium in 'em only), Big Booty Bitches, Big Booty Broads, and Big Booty Broats Bringing Me Beer, Blunts, and Bratwurst (and somewhere we will work Blumpkin into the equation). So I check that out, mind my P's and Q's, and consume more alcohol. I then come up with a plan on what food I am going to eat. Do I eat dairy products, that will be sure to close the bathroom off for 45 minutes, or wait until the second half when people know me a bit better? Is the couch conducive to muffling the sound of a fart, or should I care? Is Troy Aikman going to cause me to throw a beer at the TV? Am I going to use the words "Brandon Jacobs", "hole", "pigskin", "bitch", "anal", and "black" in the same sentence twice (one yelling at the TV, and once talking to a broad)? Probably. What I don't know is the outcome...I think it's going to be close. My prediction...

Giants win the coin flip, and tell Brandon Jacobs to exploit the holes in the Pats 'D and then spike the pigskin so hard off of the playclock that the playclock thinks it's getting anal from a black guy. The game is going to be a game where the Patriots defense will give the Giants something, and the Giants will take it. Tom Brady will get sacked a couple of times, but the Giants D is a great bend, but don't break, defense. The more I write this paragraph, the more I realize what everybody is scared to say...the Giants are bigger, faster, and don't give a fuck... That's my final analysis...Giants 44 Pats 24. Giants win Sunday, Johan press conference Monday, Championship Parade Tuesday, Liver Failure Wednesday. Oh, yeah...no drinking and driving! Make sure you have a designated decoy, if you do drive. GO BIG BLUE!!!!!

College Hoops Saturday - Laredos's L___ P_pe _ock

I'm sorry I haven't posted the Super Bowl preview/Rambo review yet, but it's only because I have been extremely f'd up over the last 18 hours. I am in the middle of my tailgate/pregame phase for Super Bowl XLII. I'm this close to posting up in Wal-Mart with some beers, getting their display barbecue fired up, and yelling "show me your tits" to everybody who walks by me. It'll be like that guy who is living in an Ikea, except Wal-Mart wouldn't appreciate the free advertising I would be giving them by having to be dragged out of the store, while I was accusing the police of calling me the "n-word". The article will be written for Sunday morning...I still need to get my feelings for the game garnered, and my mind isn't right for predicting the big game. But college basketball? I can predict that all day. Two games. Two locks. Let's go.....

Miami Hurricanes (-15) at #3 Duke, Kirk Cameron Indoor Arena, 3:30 ABC

Duke basketball reminds me of one of my favorite movies, White Men Can't Jump. It starts out with a white guy, who's pretty good at basketball, and he plays in a pickup game with a bunch of brothas. If you're me, you're rooting for the white guy to blow his Achilles and have the movie end right there. But that doesn't happen, and the white guy teams up with the black guy to rule the courts of L.A. Duke is the white guy, buy I can never root for them. I know the outcome is going to be a ending that screams, "if we all work together, we can all win in the end!" I hate that shit. I want MIA to win, and not do it graciously...they won't, BUT they will cover...Duke wins 82-70. Next...

Arizona (-9) at #5 UCLA, Pauley Shore Pavillion (or Paulie Walnuts Pavilion), 9 ESPN

UCLA has a sick squad, and they should get to the Final Four (again). Zona has a couple of bona fide NBA guys (Bayless and Budinger) who can keep them in games against anybody. The problem with UCLA is that they aren't going to play a tempo that's going to allow them to have a nine-point lead, at the end of the game. They grind it out, and play fundamentally on both ends of the floor. Nothing wrong with it, but it is as boring as a paragraph where I really talk about X's and O's (like this last one). UCLA wins 78-72

That's all...I need to get more blood in my alcohol stream, so I'm going to take a nap, but we're less than 32 hours away from the Super Bowl...I can't wait...