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Reggae Boyz Reppin'...Jamaicans on the Rise

It's funny how television programming predicts everything that happens in life. Coming to America is on HBO this month, and I actually am contemplating getting a smooth Geri curl, complete with Soul Glo drip. White Men Can't Jump is also on this month, and I have been hitting cats with nasty crosses all month and dunking on cats left and right (hey, you leave your wheelchair in the lane, you end up on a poster). Cool Runnings was on tonight, and...the Jamaican Soccer Team won a monster game against Honduras at 'The Office', 1-0, to keep their World Cup dreams alive. The Reggae Boyz are for real, only because they have showed resiliency after a loss to Honduras in September, and a much needed coaching change has changed the look of the whole team. I enjoy the fact that Jamaicans are taking over the sports scene...first Usain Bolt, then the Reggae Boyz, then me. Here's a link to the Reggae Boyz website. Notice the Asian broad, modeling the Boyz' merchandise...that's how we roll...I don't know what that means, but it means something. Honduras needs to lose to Mexico, and Jamaica needs to beat Canada next month to advance to the final qualifying round.

Audrey Bitoni released by Laredo Slider, picked up by Penthouse

In a roster move by Laredo Slider, Audrey Bitoni was taken off the front page, and replaced by nothing. After a sub par year of article production, Laredo Slider general manager, Laredo Slider, said the site needed a new look.

“We have some young ladies that we're going to call up to the show, but nothing will be as permanent as the run Ms. Bitoni had on the front page. We are looking to get a girl of the week, or month, or something,” said Mr. Slider.

Ms. Bitoni was picked up right away as Penthouse Pet of the Month for November, and is gracing the cover as we speak. Congrats, Audrey.

Laredo signs with AshleyMadison.com, three times

Okay, my foray into internet dating was well chronicled when I decided to sign up for Jdate. I wanted to find myself a nice Jewish girl, who wanted to piss of her whole family, or create a more ghetto version of Lenny Kravitz. A couple of girls contacted me, but I wasn't prompt with my follow up and I ended up not logging in for a while. I don't think Jewish girls were the niche I was looking for. Good news is, I found my niche, and it's married women. AshleyMadison.com helps married people hookup with other people who are looking to cheat on their spouses. Some of you may know that I'm not married, but there is a classification on the site for single people looking for married people who want to cheat. Whatever...I'm making three profiles...one that says I'm married, one that says I'm single, and one that says I'm a woman looking for a woman. I don't want to mislead anybody, but if you're cheating on your significant other, you deserve it.

Danity Kane Drops Members and Clothes...Cam'Ron Drops Album (eventually) and goes shopping at the zoo for new gear

See the crap I write about just to get hits? Now I'm writing about a girl-band, on a show I have never seen, and I couldn't name a single member in the group. I learned that two members were kicked out for being biatches, and I could care less. What caught my attention was that they did this ad for PETA:

Cool...I'm all for not harming animals, but if he harm a small amount of animals, so chicks get naked, won't we just continue? I think so... I mean, I don't own furs but some of my favorite artist's do, like Cam'ron. The more records he sells, the more Kool-Aid colored furs he can buy, which means more chicks getting naked to stop the killing of animals. Really a win-win in my world. My convoluted message in short: Stop killing animals for fur, but if you do, chicks will stop getting naked for a good cause, but stop killing animals. Oh yeah, Crime Pays by Cam drops early 2009...

Congrats, Philly!

The Phillies won the National League. It was one the highest rated events in Philly history. Let's look at the overnight ratings:

Philadelphia Phillies at Los Angeles Dodgers (FOX) 10/15/08: 51.0 Rating
Number of Riots in the Philadelphia area: 8
Number of Cheesesteaks eaten by each guy named Gino in celebration of the Phils' win: 12
Number of Cheesesteaks eaten by each guy named Ryan Howard in celebration of the Phils' win: 25803952
Number of flushes Ryan Howard will make on the flight back to Philly: 14583221
Number of Girlfriends/Wives beaten in Philadelphia in celebration of the Phils' win: 6000
Number of Girlfriends/Wives beaten by Brett Myers in celebration of the Phils' win: 1
Number of Philly Cops that were drinking on the job during the game: 453
Number of Black People arrested: 0 (Wooooohoooo!)
Number of championships in Philly's near future: 0

You guys aren't winning it all, sorry

Let's Talk About Love

This is a weird post because I plan on not editing it, re-reading it, or anything. Just a rant.

I love the Giants and really thought they were going to roll on the Browns, but I was wrong. I have owned up to it, but I love them, so take any gambling advice regarding the Giants with a grain of salt. As for the report card for the game:

Giants Offense: gaghlgjlgaDJLKGJLGJLGJLELJGJL
Giants D: erlgjar;wl arglerl;gjawergjaerg;lgjkae gyj'aeftgyjar;ygja
Giants Special Teams: jdra ;lgalwgtjawrlg jarl;gare;gjareg;jarg;l
Giants Coaching: gh ar;gtjawroygjr;ygja4o;ryja;yj4oyuj4rgu8j40tgufhj4ay0hj45yh54GTOANGRLJRV45OH

Overall: D-

Next, Red Sox...trading Manny...dumb. Fans, even dumber. Eff Boston, Eff the Sox. I never root for anybody to get hurt, but I hope Josh Beckett gets to pitch and gets rocked, and gets sooooooooooo pissed that he decides to repeatedly slam his right arm in a car door...while the car is sinking to the bottom of a lake. People will say 'Manny can't pitch and that's what the Red Sox' problem is'. Eff dat!!! This team has no balls, and Manny is like the Kellen Winslow of the postseason...

Red Sox Report Card: A...because I enjoy seeing them getting their heads bashed in BY A TEAM THAT DOESN'T RESPECT THEM!!!!

Next, Pacman "call me Adam, because I'm reformed...oh shit! I'm suspended again" Jones. I don't think that he should be suspended for life. Only for the rest of the year. I do think the Cowboys should say, "oh, Pacman is suspended from playing. Meet our new head coach! Pacman F'n Jones!!!!" He would be better than fatboy Wade Phillips. What would be better? Seeing Wade Phillips jumping for joy after tying the Cardinals on Sunday, or Coach Pacman giving the throat slash to the Cardinals sideline after tying the Cardinals on Sunday. What's better? Seeing the coordinators in the box, calling plays, doing what they do? Or a tinted out skybox where the only coordinating going on is what ho's get in the skybox, and what play to T.O. are they going to call next? It's obvious, and the best thing would be that Jason Whitten would get released for no reason, just so Pacman can put his boy on the roster. By the way, if Wade Phillips was the fifth Ghostbuster and at the end of GB1 when they had to clear their minds, or meet their doom to whatever they were thinking (which was the Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man), wouldn't everybody be f'd because he be thinking of a McRib Sandwich the size of the solar system? Yup.

And while we are on the subject of ghetto cuisine, why does Ryan Howard have to do those Subway commercials for their Big Philly Cheesesteak? As a baseball player, I had to defend the fact that baseball players workout, and then there was the steroid era which helped me build my case that baseball players are into physical fitness. Then I turn on my f'n TV and see a fat brother with a bat in his hands and a greasy ass cheesesteak behind him. Oh, and he happens to strike out 2 billion times a year, and I've seen pop flys that he couldn't get down on. I wonder why? I wish I was in the meeting when Subway decided to go with Ryan Howard:

Exec 1: We need somebody to sell the worst nutrional item in the history of Subway. Somebody who embodies "deep fried"...this 'Eat Fresh' shit ain't working.

Exec 2: I went to a Phillies game last night and saw this fat, black guy strike out 4 times and he fell over on a ground ball.

Exec 1: GO GET HIM BEFORE KFC GET'S HIM FIRST!!!

Yeah, I know he could be MVP, but Phuck Philly.

Monday Morning QB

I love being able to watch sports from Friday night all the way up to Sunday night. These are the weekends that solidify the reason why I remain kinda single, and solidify the pact I made to myself not to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua until it's on video/bootleg. Baseball Friday, Saturaday, and Sunday. College football Friday and Saturday. The NFL yesterday was ridiculous, and there was even preseason NBA. Too much to cover, based on the fact that you can go to ESPN.com and get biased opinions on all these events. Not that ESPN.com is biased, but they aren't going to recklessly comment on certain stories based on their policies, etc. I ,on the other hand, will write articles based on rumor and I don't check my facts. So I gotta comment on a story that broke Sunday night about one NFL tight end.

Leading up to tonight's Monday Night Football game, Kellen Winslow was in the hospital with an unknown illness. I was thinking through the week that he had some type of bad herpes, or something embarrassing, because the media had no idea what he had. This is the type of info that gets released usually, but it didn't up til this weekend. Winslow was in the hospital because his balls were swollen to the size of grapefruits! That is amazing because you know Winslow was taking some type of Cialis/Viagra drug for fun, and it backfired on him. How does that happen? I would wait a couple of hours to go to the hospital, and make funny picture messages of my balls, and send it to friends and teammates. I wouldn't send it to Brady Quinn, though. I'm not too sure what "team" he plays on, let's put it that way. But, that's what I would do...

Monday Night Pick

Giants (-8) at the Browns

My Giants are the best team in football, because they run it the best, take care of the ball, play great D, have a QB who can make all the throws, are the deepest team at the skill positions, have a punter who routinely puts the ball inside the opponents' 20, draft better than any other team, and have confidence because they have one of the best coaches in the game. The Browns have...a tight end with swollen balls. Giants 90, Brown 3 ...seriously, take the Giants and the UNDER...

Fantasy Move of the Week

Tony Romo is out for two weeks, so pick up Brad Johnson and trade him to the one Cowboys fan in the league everybody hates. If you're in my league, just stop logging in...I'm 6 and oh, and resistance is futile.

Go Giants! TAKE CARE OF BUISNESS! PLAX, STFU!!!!

Sunday Laredo

Time to crack open what I hope will be the equivalent of the Sunday New York Times for my readers...the SUNDAY LAREDO TIMES. News stories? I'll leave that up to Cnn.Com, but we are going to have everything else. A great sports section, with lead pipe lock picks for the NFL. Arts and Entertainment? Got it. Crossword? Got that, too. Just like when I opened the paper before my father woke up, and got smacked, it's time to dive into the Laredo Times for October 12, 2008...

Arts and Entertainment Section

Here is my review for Entourage. It sucks. Vinny Chase never made that show, and I could care less if his character ended up on a second rate sitcom, like Entourage. Johnny Drama should be spun off into one of HBO's other shitty dramas, or they should make that Five Towns show into a real show. Eric is short and annoying, and I'm pissed he had that threesome with those two hot chicks in season whatever it was. Turtle provides comedy relief and that's all they ask of him, which is cool. Ari has his spots where he's hilarious, but I'd rather see more of his wife...without him...or those snot-nosed kids. The plot is recycled to the point where the best thing would be to have somebody killed off. I nominate Eric. I mean, in cheezy sitcoms there was always one episode where something really bad happened to somebody. I'm pretty sure ALF ate Lucky one time, and Sam was kidnapped that one time in Diff'rent Strokes. Something needs to happen.

Movies Section

White Men Can't Jump is on On Demand. Watch it 20 times. I have actually noticed there are a ton of Wesley Snipes movies on. Watch 'em all. Great month of programming! Cable gets two thumbs up!

Business Section

Business in the world is shitty. But my fantasy team is taking care of business. Kurt Warner Larry Fitzgerald, Eli, Matt Forte, Stephen Jackson...I had a great draft. I know, proof is in the pudding, so check out my squad, and basque in greatness.

Underwear Ads

What boy didn't go through the newspaper and stop at the department store ad, and look at the women in the (grandma) underwear ads? I would look at them longer than the NL East standings. Well the Laredo Times are the same:















I had to bring this one back...

but that's not an ad, is it?






Sports

Whoa...9:50 AM...Need Picks

Chicago (-2.5) at Atlanta (43)

The Bears will stuff the run. Matt Ryan is going to throw picks. Chicago and the over.

Cowboys (-4.5) at Arizona (52)

Cowboys defense is garbage. Romo drops the ball a ton. Crayton drops the ball a ton. Cards...no sacks, no picks last week. Cards (and my fantasy team) rolls. Zona and the over.

Miami (+3) at Houston (45)

As long as Ron Artest is within the Houston city metro area, I like Houston. If you see an unknown wearing #96, and he's running around with a Dolphins helmet in his hand (with the head still in it) you'll know what I mean. Houston and the under.

Super Sloppy Underdog Pick

St. Louis (+12.5) at Washington (44)

Washington has the ugliest uni's and if you think their game is pretty, you don't know Redskin football. They win but don't cover...take the under as well, in a sweater.

Enjoy the day...next week I'll have a crossword and some crudely drawn pictures that will pass as 'comics'. Peace

Laredo's Saturday L____ P_pe _ock's

I needed to pick the Red River Rivalry game last night because (1) it is the biggest college game this week, and (2) it gives me the opportunity to rip on some rednecks. Don't get me wrong...I love brown liquor, I don't like pork, but I wouldn't rule out having relations with certain non-blood relatives. When I use the N-Word, it's a term of endearment. When rednecks use the N-Word, it's derogatory, unless a black person hears 'em, then they explain it's a term of endearment. Then they same something like, "anybody can be a nword, not just black people...I'm just talking about the way somebody acts." That never gets old. What also doesn't get old is rednecks calling people Arabs. The link for "Video of the Day" has that old bag that called Obama an Arab getting interviewed, etc. That's a new feature of LaredoSlider.Com and will be used for video highlights daily. Oh yeah, there is a scoreboard, too...so you can check Laredo's L___ P_pe _ock's of the Week (you can fill in the blanks with what you want).

Oklahoma (-6.5) at Texas

I already picked this, and the game is in the second quarter right now (actually it's a one point game at half). The reason I picked OU is because I have believed that Sam Bradford is actually Cooper Manning since last year, after Cooper Manning got a time machine because he wanted to cash in on his family fame. The kid's good, he takes care of the ball, and Texas has been faking top-ranked status since their Rose Bowl win four years ago. Oklahoma covers.

Purdue (+18.5) at Ohio State (47.5)

Put this one in the overrated home team, with myopic fans, category with Texas. This is a conference game, and Ohio State isn't explosive...so 2 touchdowns plus is unlikely. Purdue also takes care of the rock. Oh yeah, Ohio State is 1-4 against the spread this year, so 1-5 is likely, right. Take Purdue and the under.

Penn State (-6) at Wisconsin (47)

The Nittany Lions will roll through Wisconsin, and it depends on depends. If JoePa shits himself before the game, it will be a sweater. If he shits himself around the beginning of the second quarter, the Lions will roll. Don't ask me how I came to these backwards conclusions. Maybe it's the brown liquor at 11AM PT. Penn State covers, with the over.

Enjoy the day of college football...oh yeah, GO TROJANS!

New Beginning

Every article I have written, EVER, has been a product of my alter ego, no matter what mind state I'm in. I have written some unconventional things when I was in grammar school, and not just because I was doing my homework on the bus, and that shit was due in 20 minutes. Now, I have this site where I can say what I want and I write more unconventional stuff. I usually post in the mornings when I have something constructive to say. I post in the afternoons after watching some sporting event that usually involves my team shitting the bed, in a big situation. Then I write late night when I'm faded, and I just watched a movie with one of my favorite starlets (like Transformers, with Megan Fox). I then write how much I would like to diddle her, and then use very graphic words describing all 13 inches of my dilzzzznick, usually implying impregnating one of these girls is my prerogative. Then I was thinking to myself that these days are all about softening what is actually happening in the real world, and I need to find some real ho's to come over here and...I mean take a stance on certain issues, and provide a forum for some of my loyal readers (who have been reading the same article for the last two months).

So the site is going through a overhaul. We'll still talk sports, but now is the time to talk about finances (21.99 Hennessey at Savon, HOLLA!!!), who is going to lead our country for the next four years, what is good as far as movies and entertainment are concerned (I will get guest reviewers who will tell me what they thought of a movie, cd, or something), and general pop culture will be included, as well. Audrey Bitoni has been taken off the top of the page, because I'm into classier girls, and through these times I have figured out that women are the strongest gender because I invited this broad over the other night...she was a 5'1” Asian girl, about 90 pounds, and I asked her if she wanted a $5 foot long, and she said yes...she thought I was using the Metric system, or some shit, because she thought a foot was shorter...but she took it anyways...the strength of her tonsils surprised me. Sorry...run on sentence. I will also put some links in the links tab (duh!). Oh...there will be polls, and not of the $5 foot long variety, either! Polls are trendy, and I think the site should have once every once in a while. College football picks tomorrow, and some other stuff. Enjoy!

p.s. - I probably will not get up in time for the Red River Rivalry, but I like OU (-6.5).