Saturday Night Live

I guess I'm going to watch Sarah Palin on SNL tonight, but it doesn't really pique my interest because (1) I don't think she's that hot and maybe a couple of years from having a full blown turkey neck, and (2) she isn't going to be Vice President, Joe Biden is. Is she the most do-able politican ever? Yes. But, in my world, Nancy Pelosi and Hilary Clinton are do-able, too. There are three live events that need breif attention as I finish up telling you what's good on a Saturday, on TV.

Mizzou at Texas

Just sit back and enjoy this one. If Mizzou loses, that should be the end of their championship run. I want to see them win just to see college football get more f'd up, and a step closer to creating a playoff system.

Red Sox at Rays

After the amazing comeback on Thursday, the Sox have a ton of momentum. The Rays haven't had much negative attention, on a national stage this year, and I want to see how they handle it. They do get to play at home, but the stands are going to be packed with chowder heads from the New England area. I'm praying that Boston or Philly doesn't get a championship, so GO RAYS!

Pavlik - Hopkins

In the fight of the year, one legend (Hopkins) goes up against a soon-to-be legend (Kelly Pavlik). Hopkins hasn't been knocked out, ever...he's been knocked down once. Pavlik isn't afriad to mix it up, and will be looking to damage the 40 year old Hopkins. This is one to sit back and enjoy. Some say it will be boring, I think Pavlik will make it a point to come inside and bring it to Hopkins. Pavlik is also a fighter who gets stronger as the fight progresses. Look for B-Hop to steal some rounds, but in the end the soon-to-be legend will have cemented himself in boxing history. This fight goes the distance, but Pavlik will prevail.

What to Watch 10/18/08

It's a new season of television programming, and if you have DirecTV or digital cable, you know that there is so much crap on that you just stick with what shows you usually watch. It's a pain going through 150 channels when you only watch five or six channels. I'm here to make it even easier for you (today). I'm going to TELL you what to watch and provide expert analysis on why you are going to watch it. All times are in Eastern and, of course, we got picks for college today.

12 ET

U Conn at Rutgers (-2)

Okay...don't watch it, just bet it. U Conn is 5-1, and has no respect for Rutgers. Rutgers is 1-5, and has no respect for Rutgers. Expect Rutgers to lose more recruits, because this is their homecoming game and it's embarrassing to have the fans leaving the stadium with 5:32 left in the third quarter. Stay away from the over/under on this game, unless it's for Rutgers turnovers...then take the over, no matter what it is.

What to really watch....

Paris Hilton's My New BFF - MTV

I haven't seen a minute of this show, but every time I see a commercial for it, some broad is taking a shot and running her mouth. Watch it, and be glad you don't have to put up with it...because at 1 PM, we've got...

1 ET

Whatever Telemundo has on

I have seen this show. I don't know how to pronounce it, and the show may not be the same throughout the years, but I have been watching this time slot since I was a kid. Half-naked, Spanish broads who say nothing, but are shaking it to whatever the mariachi band is playing. Then when they say something, you can tune them out, because they are speaking Spanish. This is the sole reason why I never learned Spanish, by the way. Over/under on the amount of time your hands are in your pants...half an hour. Take the over. Enjoy for an hour, then....

2 ET

Cheaters Marathon – G4 Network

Cheaters is not the greatest show. But, there is something about watching some guy or gal getting cheated on and getting it on tape. The host, Joey Greco, is the biggest instigator. He gets the perpetrating couple on tape, then shows the video evidence to the victim. The victim goes crazy, but usually gets punked by the perpetrators because (1) the victim is usually a guy who ain't hitting it right or a girl who isn't fit enough to keep her man on the reservation, and they find out right there (2) these people are so ghetto that cheating makes sense to ALL parties involved, and (3) if a guys' girl is cheating on him with a black dude, when the black dude is confronted all hell breaks loose and it's a good idea that everybody goes home. Watch one episode, take a nap for an hour, and get ready for...

3:30 ET

Kansas at Oklahoma
or
Ohio State at Michigan State

ABC Regional

I'm picking these two games, but some of you may get North Carolina at Virginia (if that's your regional game...go back to Telemundo and proceed to put your hands in your pants until the primetime games).

Kansas (+20) at Oklahoma (O/U 61)

Kansas played well at Colorado last week. Oklahoma got beat up on the ground last week, and they have to be pissed. Both have good QB's...Oklahoma has a great one, and they want to send a message to the pollsters that they are one of the best 3 or 4 teams in the land (which they are). Kansas' bread and butter is the option. Oklahoma's bread and butter is paying linemen enough to stop the option. Take OU and the over.

Ohio State (-3.5) at Michigan State (O/U 42.5)

Ohio State is horrible against the spread, but this is a game about who is going to make the most (or least) mistakes. Both teams have question marks at the QB spot...and Michigan State has the front runner for the Heisman, in Javon Ringer. Michigan State hasn't played anybody yet, and Ohio State is starting to hit their stride. This is a tune-up for Ohio State's meeting next week against Penn State. Take Ohio State....and the under.

Now you're occupied till 5:30 – 6 ish...Great stuff on at 8...but a perfect filler till then.

6:15 ET

Blue Streak – HBO

One of the funniest movies, ever, starring two of the funniest men ever (Martin Lawrence and Dave Chapelle). It just happens to be an hour and forty-five minutes long so that takes you up to 8.

8 ET

Mizzou at Texas
Pavlik vs. Hopkins
Red Sox at Rays Game 6

There is a reason they call it primetime...these three matchups exemplify it, and I'll make an addendum to this post later today to tell you who I like and why, but it doesn't get much better on a Saturday night.

When you think you're ahead, everybody catches up

The Boston Red Sox completed on the most improbable comebacks ever, last night. I hated it, of course. The Rays were winning and I was enjoying watching all the chowder heads in Boston, as they were drinking themselves into a long postseason (for those who don't come here for my sports commentary, the Rays were winning 7-0, and lost). The series is at 3-2 and all the momentum is going towards Boston. Game on Saturday, in St. Petersburg (wherever that is). Tampa better take care of buisness. For those who come here just to see if I am going to dedicate part of my post to Hannah Montana (Miley Cyrus), today is your lucky day.

I wasn't sure how the "law" works, but I was sure that I could figure out a way to date Miley Cyrus in two years, once she turned 18 (damn, did I just write that?). Well, I probably wrote it before. I don't think she's going to be hot (i.e. I don't think she's hot now, because that would be against the "law"), and it's all about cashing in on her empire. I know that she'll be a billionaire, and I that's what turns me on to the idea of making a long time commitment with her (bank account). So my plan was to somehow run into her, and pretend that I don't know who she is (that will probably turn her on, in two years). I will treat her like the queen (ATM) she is, we get married, and I invest her money wisely in real estate (i.e. my own place where I can have ladies over). Great plan, right? Just gotta wait, right? NOPE!!! Some dude named Justin Gaston already beat me to it. The worse part is that he's 20, and her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, is letting it slide. So basically, this dude has the inside lane AND he's got the okay to circumvent the law. According to People Magazine (yes, I read it on the Internet, NOT IN LINE AT THE MOTHER F'N SUPERMARKET WHEN I HAVE NO ITEMS AND I'M JUST IN PEOPLE'S WAY), Billy Ray thinks "it's a good thing". WTF? I wonder what his reaction would be if that was my black ass? Statutory Rape...that's what. When robbery, embezzlement, and wire fraud are the only thing I plan on doing. Here's a picture of the happy couple...

I'm not worried, though...these things never last. If it was two years from now, I might write 'he ain't hittin' it right'.

Transactions

Reggae Boyz Reppin'...Jamaicans on the Rise

It's funny how television programming predicts everything that happens in life. Coming to America is on HBO this month, and I actually am contemplating getting a smooth Geri curl, complete with Soul Glo drip. White Men Can't Jump is also on this month, and I have been hitting cats with nasty crosses all month and dunking on cats left and right (hey, you leave your wheelchair in the lane, you end up on a poster). Cool Runnings was on tonight, and...the Jamaican Soccer Team won a monster game against Honduras at 'The Office', 1-0, to keep their World Cup dreams alive. The Reggae Boyz are for real, only because they have showed resiliency after a loss to Honduras in September, and a much needed coaching change has changed the look of the whole team. I enjoy the fact that Jamaicans are taking over the sports scene...first Usain Bolt, then the Reggae Boyz, then me. Here's a link to the Reggae Boyz website. Notice the Asian broad, modeling the Boyz' merchandise...that's how we roll...I don't know what that means, but it means something. Honduras needs to lose to Mexico, and Jamaica needs to beat Canada next month to advance to the final qualifying round.

Audrey Bitoni released by Laredo Slider, picked up by Penthouse

In a roster move by Laredo Slider, Audrey Bitoni was taken off the front page, and replaced by nothing. After a sub par year of article production, Laredo Slider general manager, Laredo Slider, said the site needed a new look.

“We have some young ladies that we're going to call up to the show, but nothing will be as permanent as the run Ms. Bitoni had on the front page. We are looking to get a girl of the week, or month, or something,” said Mr. Slider.

Ms. Bitoni was picked up right away as Penthouse Pet of the Month for November, and is gracing the cover as we speak. Congrats, Audrey.

Laredo signs with AshleyMadison.com, three times

Okay, my foray into internet dating was well chronicled when I decided to sign up for Jdate. I wanted to find myself a nice Jewish girl, who wanted to piss of her whole family, or create a more ghetto version of Lenny Kravitz. A couple of girls contacted me, but I wasn't prompt with my follow up and I ended up not logging in for a while. I don't think Jewish girls were the niche I was looking for. Good news is, I found my niche, and it's married women. AshleyMadison.com helps married people hookup with other people who are looking to cheat on their spouses. Some of you may know that I'm not married, but there is a classification on the site for single people looking for married people who want to cheat. Whatever...I'm making three profiles...one that says I'm married, one that says I'm single, and one that says I'm a woman looking for a woman. I don't want to mislead anybody, but if you're cheating on your significant other, you deserve it.

Danity Kane Drops Members and Clothes...Cam'Ron Drops Album (eventually) and goes shopping at the zoo for new gear

See the crap I write about just to get hits? Now I'm writing about a girl-band, on a show I have never seen, and I couldn't name a single member in the group. I learned that two members were kicked out for being biatches, and I could care less. What caught my attention was that they did this ad for PETA:

Cool...I'm all for not harming animals, but if he harm a small amount of animals, so chicks get naked, won't we just continue? I think so... I mean, I don't own furs but some of my favorite artist's do, like Cam'ron. The more records he sells, the more Kool-Aid colored furs he can buy, which means more chicks getting naked to stop the killing of animals. Really a win-win in my world. My convoluted message in short: Stop killing animals for fur, but if you do, chicks will stop getting naked for a good cause, but stop killing animals. Oh yeah, Crime Pays by Cam drops early 2009...

Congrats, Philly!

The Phillies won the National League. It was one the highest rated events in Philly history. Let's look at the overnight ratings:

Philadelphia Phillies at Los Angeles Dodgers (FOX) 10/15/08: 51.0 Rating
Number of Riots in the Philadelphia area: 8
Number of Cheesesteaks eaten by each guy named Gino in celebration of the Phils' win: 12
Number of Cheesesteaks eaten by each guy named Ryan Howard in celebration of the Phils' win: 25803952
Number of flushes Ryan Howard will make on the flight back to Philly: 14583221
Number of Girlfriends/Wives beaten in Philadelphia in celebration of the Phils' win: 6000
Number of Girlfriends/Wives beaten by Brett Myers in celebration of the Phils' win: 1
Number of Philly Cops that were drinking on the job during the game: 453
Number of Black People arrested: 0 (Wooooohoooo!)
Number of championships in Philly's near future: 0

You guys aren't winning it all, sorry

Let's Talk About Love

This is a weird post because I plan on not editing it, re-reading it, or anything. Just a rant.

I love the Giants and really thought they were going to roll on the Browns, but I was wrong. I have owned up to it, but I love them, so take any gambling advice regarding the Giants with a grain of salt. As for the report card for the game:

Giants Offense: gaghlgjlgaDJLKGJLGJLGJLELJGJL
Giants D: erlgjar;wl arglerl;gjawergjaerg;lgjkae gyj'aeftgyjar;ygja
Giants Special Teams: jdra ;lgalwgtjawrlg jarl;gare;gjareg;jarg;l
Giants Coaching: gh ar;gtjawroygjr;ygja4o;ryja;yj4oyuj4rgu8j40tgufhj4ay0hj45yh54GTOANGRLJRV45OH

Overall: D-

Next, Red Sox...trading Manny...dumb. Fans, even dumber. Eff Boston, Eff the Sox. I never root for anybody to get hurt, but I hope Josh Beckett gets to pitch and gets rocked, and gets sooooooooooo pissed that he decides to repeatedly slam his right arm in a car door...while the car is sinking to the bottom of a lake. People will say 'Manny can't pitch and that's what the Red Sox' problem is'. Eff dat!!! This team has no balls, and Manny is like the Kellen Winslow of the postseason...

Red Sox Report Card: A...because I enjoy seeing them getting their heads bashed in BY A TEAM THAT DOESN'T RESPECT THEM!!!!

Next, Pacman "call me Adam, because I'm reformed...oh shit! I'm suspended again" Jones. I don't think that he should be suspended for life. Only for the rest of the year. I do think the Cowboys should say, "oh, Pacman is suspended from playing. Meet our new head coach! Pacman F'n Jones!!!!" He would be better than fatboy Wade Phillips. What would be better? Seeing Wade Phillips jumping for joy after tying the Cardinals on Sunday, or Coach Pacman giving the throat slash to the Cardinals sideline after tying the Cardinals on Sunday. What's better? Seeing the coordinators in the box, calling plays, doing what they do? Or a tinted out skybox where the only coordinating going on is what ho's get in the skybox, and what play to T.O. are they going to call next? It's obvious, and the best thing would be that Jason Whitten would get released for no reason, just so Pacman can put his boy on the roster. By the way, if Wade Phillips was the fifth Ghostbuster and at the end of GB1 when they had to clear their minds, or meet their doom to whatever they were thinking (which was the Stay Puffed Marshmellow Man), wouldn't everybody be f'd because he be thinking of a McRib Sandwich the size of the solar system? Yup.

And while we are on the subject of ghetto cuisine, why does Ryan Howard have to do those Subway commercials for their Big Philly Cheesesteak? As a baseball player, I had to defend the fact that baseball players workout, and then there was the steroid era which helped me build my case that baseball players are into physical fitness. Then I turn on my f'n TV and see a fat brother with a bat in his hands and a greasy ass cheesesteak behind him. Oh, and he happens to strike out 2 billion times a year, and I've seen pop flys that he couldn't get down on. I wonder why? I wish I was in the meeting when Subway decided to go with Ryan Howard:

Exec 1: We need somebody to sell the worst nutrional item in the history of Subway. Somebody who embodies "deep fried"...this 'Eat Fresh' shit ain't working.

Exec 2: I went to a Phillies game last night and saw this fat, black guy strike out 4 times and he fell over on a ground ball.

Exec 1: GO GET HIM BEFORE KFC GET'S HIM FIRST!!!

Yeah, I know he could be MVP, but Phuck Philly.

Monday Morning QB

I love being able to watch sports from Friday night all the way up to Sunday night. These are the weekends that solidify the reason why I remain kinda single, and solidify the pact I made to myself not to see Beverly Hills Chihuahua until it's on video/bootleg. Baseball Friday, Saturaday, and Sunday. College football Friday and Saturday. The NFL yesterday was ridiculous, and there was even preseason NBA. Too much to cover, based on the fact that you can go to ESPN.com and get biased opinions on all these events. Not that ESPN.com is biased, but they aren't going to recklessly comment on certain stories based on their policies, etc. I ,on the other hand, will write articles based on rumor and I don't check my facts. So I gotta comment on a story that broke Sunday night about one NFL tight end.

Leading up to tonight's Monday Night Football game, Kellen Winslow was in the hospital with an unknown illness. I was thinking through the week that he had some type of bad herpes, or something embarrassing, because the media had no idea what he had. This is the type of info that gets released usually, but it didn't up til this weekend. Winslow was in the hospital because his balls were swollen to the size of grapefruits! That is amazing because you know Winslow was taking some type of Cialis/Viagra drug for fun, and it backfired on him. How does that happen? I would wait a couple of hours to go to the hospital, and make funny picture messages of my balls, and send it to friends and teammates. I wouldn't send it to Brady Quinn, though. I'm not too sure what "team" he plays on, let's put it that way. But, that's what I would do...

Monday Night Pick

Giants (-8) at the Browns

My Giants are the best team in football, because they run it the best, take care of the ball, play great D, have a QB who can make all the throws, are the deepest team at the skill positions, have a punter who routinely puts the ball inside the opponents' 20, draft better than any other team, and have confidence because they have one of the best coaches in the game. The Browns have...a tight end with swollen balls. Giants 90, Brown 3 ...seriously, take the Giants and the UNDER...

Fantasy Move of the Week

Tony Romo is out for two weeks, so pick up Brad Johnson and trade him to the one Cowboys fan in the league everybody hates. If you're in my league, just stop logging in...I'm 6 and oh, and resistance is futile.

Go Giants! TAKE CARE OF BUISNESS! PLAX, STFU!!!!