Christmas Wish List

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...