A Dream of a Game

I had a dream last Sunday. It was a dream where I was watching my favorite football team, without a care in the world. I was drinking heavily, Jessica Simpson was there, and Tony Romo was running scared. It was awesome. I am a proponent of sharing and analyzing my dreams, because they mean something (even if it’s a dream I have over and over…like violating Jessica Alba’s mouth…which usually means I switch the sheets out when I wake up).

As the dream starts, I see a stadium filled with Mexicans and rednecks. I think that I’m at a drive-thru liquor store, but wait…there are 70,000 of them, and a big grass field…so it must be a Budwiser/Tecate Landscaping Peace Conference (by the way…DON’T BUY MILLER CHILL…it’s a Mexican inspired beer recipe that tastes like a Mexican perspired in it). Then I see that the Mexicans aren’t cutting the grass. WTF?!? It’s field-turf! I must be at a football game! Cool! In most dreams I’m usually playing quarterback and scoring (in more ways than one). My last game was legendary:

45 of 45, 587 yards passing…18 carries for 299 yards rushing, 6 Home Runs, 2 Hat Tricks, 11 of 11 from three, and 4 holes violated on every member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Then the Cowboys and the Giants run on the field. I decide not to take the game over, and let them play.

Giants 7, Cowboys 0

The Cowboys come out shit talking, and their QB has a shit-eating grin on his face. The Giants get the ball first and draw first blood on a Eli to Amani 57 yard connection. I’m happy that this dream is starting off well, but then someone takes my clothes off, and I wake up from the embarrassment. I hate when I wake up from a good dream prematurely. I then drink myself back to sleep.

Giants 7, Cowboys 14

I go back to sleep and the dream is turning into a nightmare. Terrell Owens scores a TD, and
Marion (the only Barber that has a penis) Barber is running all over us. I’m getting ready to force myself to wake up before shit gets ugly.

Giants 14, Cowboys 14

Eli decides to continue his “fuck my brother…it’s my time, biatch!” postseason by putting together a beautiful 47 second drive to tie the game. This quiets the Texas Stadium crowd faster than immigration quiets day laborers (a.k.a. Mexicans) while cruising the Home Depot parking lot.

Giants 14, Cowboys 17

The Giants defense is stepping up a bit, and the proper adjustments were made at half time. Tony Romo has the “I’m going to tank this game so I can go home and F Jessica Simpson” face on.

Giants 21, Cowboys 17

Brandon Jacobs scampers for a one yard TD…then he rifles the ball into the play clock in what is the greatest TD celebration of all-time. It was a celebration that took the heart out of the Cowboys. Their fans shutdafuckup. Their players shutdafuckup. I wish Troy Aikman shutdafuck up, but he was about to get his. It was time to put the finishing touches on this classic.

Final: Giants 21, Cowboys 17

The game ended better than I coulda dreamt. Romo was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Patrick Crayton dropped a huge pass. Jerry Jones came from the owner’s box to watch the collapse. And, Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found (actually, in the dream, I already f’d her, Cleveland steamer’d her, and kicked her out of my house). Then there is T.O., in the “Derek Jeter Bitch Made Moment” of the week (Really, T.O.? Who brings those glasses to a football game?I know you had this planned).:

The only thing that T.O. did right was that the only question he answered, in the press conference, was from Azteca TV’s Ines Sainz. Who’s Ines Sainz? She is the hottest sideline reporter on the face of the Earth! What’s more perfect than a hot, Latin sideline reporter? NOTHING! She’s gotta be up for some baseball bat action in between the sheets (she’s Latin and into sports). I’ll leave you with a video montage of Mrs. Sainz-LaredoSlider…