Phuck Philly - Laredo's Picks of Da Week

I feel like Patrick Ewing. I’m Jamaican. I sweat a lot. I make claims that usually come back to bite me in the ass. Example of things that have come out of my mouth in the last year that makes me feel like the great Knicks center:

“Suck my dick. the Mets have the best lineup in baseball. I’ll bet you they win the NL East this year. Enough about the Mets. That girl over there wants some chocolate, and I’m going to give it to her.”

Or:

“Go fuck yourself. The Knicks should make the playoffs this year. Curry, Frye, Marbury, Crawford, Q. We’re stacked. I may be drunk, but I think Isaiah is leading us in the right direction.” (Proceed to throw up)

Or, how ‘bout this one:

“I think Chris Collinsworth and Tiki Barber like to play hide the sausage. I don’t think the Giants are going to be as bad as people they say, and Eli is going to have a breakout year. We’ll make the playoffs. Get me another Heineken, bitch.”

So here comes something that P-Ew said (after game sixes in the eastern conference finals in ’94 and ’95), that I’m going to say now:

SEE YOU ON SUNDAY!!!!

And I’m talking to the dirty-ass city to the south, Philadelphia.

I know the NL East is going to come down to Sunday (and maybe Monday), and the Mets are winning today, and tomorrow. I guarantee it. The Phillies don’t have the fortitude to sweep the Nationals. Pat Burrell is a fat fuck, Ryan Howard is a fat fuck, and Jimmy Rollins is a switch-hitter in more ways than one. They’re not going to sweep the Nationals.

Also, the Giants are going to shit on the Eagles. Not only do the Eagles have the worst throwbacks in the history of sports. Their fans are gay, and so is the QB. The G-men will end the Eagles season tomorrow. Strahan will have 3 sacks, and once all these scientific predictions come true, Philly will have one sack (of yours truly) in their mouth. So that leads me to Laredo’s Predictions for Sunday:

Birds at Jints (+3) (O/U 47)

The national game on NBC tomorrow night. We’ll hear so much trash talk from Tiki, Olbermann, Collinsworth, and Costas about the Giants that will get them fired up. We’ll find out what an imposter Donovan McNabb is (he’s not Irish). And he won’t be lucky, either. Philly’s D is softer than Lindsay Lohan’s left litty. Eli’s line will look like this: 25-38, 320, 3 Tds, 1 int. Derrick Ward will have a buck twenty rushing. Giants slap the Birds like a south Philly hooker…24-16

Green Bay at Minny (+2) (37.5)

I love a team that has no option but to rush the ball (Minnesota), and I love chicks that rush at my balls. I love a team that has a great home field advantage, in the dome (Minnesota), and I love chicks that give good dome. Farve comes back to earth and has a 3 interception day. Adrian Peterson runs wild. Minnesota wins 20-17

Chicago at Detroit (+3) (45)

The Bears are going to Brian Griese (who we’ll refer to as QB #2, cause we WILL see a Kyle Orton appearance this year). QB #2 will have a safe game because Lovie Smith won’t let him throw the ball willy-nilly (otherwise known as “Me Hitting It from Behind, and Since I’m Going Raw, I Don’t Wanna Bust in this Bitch” game). The Bears will be so predictable tomorrow, and the Lions will take advantage. The Lions will also put points on the board, the Bears D is overrated (see last weeks predictions, thank you very much). Look for the Bears RBs to put the ball on the floor. Lions eat the Bears 27-10 (stick a fork in the Bears).

Seattle at San Francisco (+2) (40.5)

San Fran gets no respect. They were in the game for three quarters against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then got beat by a really good team in the fourth quarter. Alex Smith gets going tomorrow (nobody talks about how much of a bust he has been), and Frank gore’s the Puget Puke 21-10.

Patrick Ewing was one and one in the “See You on Sunday” games. I’m going two and zero. If I don’t, I’ll be in your local bar saying, “Lick my balls. The only team that made better moves than the Rangers in the off-season are the Knicks. MSG is back, baby!”