Sunday Laredo

Time to crack open what I hope will be the equivalent of the Sunday New York Times for my readers...the SUNDAY LAREDO TIMES. News stories? I'll leave that up to Cnn.Com, but we are going to have everything else. A great sports section, with lead pipe lock picks for the NFL. Arts and Entertainment? Got it. Crossword? Got that, too. Just like when I opened the paper before my father woke up, and got smacked, it's time to dive into the Laredo Times for October 12, 2008...

Arts and Entertainment Section

Here is my review for Entourage. It sucks. Vinny Chase never made that show, and I could care less if his character ended up on a second rate sitcom, like Entourage. Johnny Drama should be spun off into one of HBO's other shitty dramas, or they should make that Five Towns show into a real show. Eric is short and annoying, and I'm pissed he had that threesome with those two hot chicks in season whatever it was. Turtle provides comedy relief and that's all they ask of him, which is cool. Ari has his spots where he's hilarious, but I'd rather see more of his wife...without him...or those snot-nosed kids. The plot is recycled to the point where the best thing would be to have somebody killed off. I nominate Eric. I mean, in cheezy sitcoms there was always one episode where something really bad happened to somebody. I'm pretty sure ALF ate Lucky one time, and Sam was kidnapped that one time in Diff'rent Strokes. Something needs to happen.

Movies Section

White Men Can't Jump is on On Demand. Watch it 20 times. I have actually noticed there are a ton of Wesley Snipes movies on. Watch 'em all. Great month of programming! Cable gets two thumbs up!

Business Section

Business in the world is shitty. But my fantasy team is taking care of business. Kurt Warner Larry Fitzgerald, Eli, Matt Forte, Stephen Jackson...I had a great draft. I know, proof is in the pudding, so check out my squad, and basque in greatness.

Underwear Ads

What boy didn't go through the newspaper and stop at the department store ad, and look at the women in the (grandma) underwear ads? I would look at them longer than the NL East standings. Well the Laredo Times are the same:















I had to bring this one back...

but that's not an ad, is it?






Sports

Whoa...9:50 AM...Need Picks

Chicago (-2.5) at Atlanta (43)

The Bears will stuff the run. Matt Ryan is going to throw picks. Chicago and the over.

Cowboys (-4.5) at Arizona (52)

Cowboys defense is garbage. Romo drops the ball a ton. Crayton drops the ball a ton. Cards...no sacks, no picks last week. Cards (and my fantasy team) rolls. Zona and the over.

Miami (+3) at Houston (45)

As long as Ron Artest is within the Houston city metro area, I like Houston. If you see an unknown wearing #96, and he's running around with a Dolphins helmet in his hand (with the head still in it) you'll know what I mean. Houston and the under.

Super Sloppy Underdog Pick

St. Louis (+12.5) at Washington (44)

Washington has the ugliest uni's and if you think their game is pretty, you don't know Redskin football. They win but don't cover...take the under as well, in a sweater.

Enjoy the day...next week I'll have a crossword and some crudely drawn pictures that will pass as 'comics'. Peace

Laredo's Saturday L____ P_pe _ock's

I needed to pick the Red River Rivalry game last night because (1) it is the biggest college game this week, and (2) it gives me the opportunity to rip on some rednecks. Don't get me wrong...I love brown liquor, I don't like pork, but I wouldn't rule out having relations with certain non-blood relatives. When I use the N-Word, it's a term of endearment. When rednecks use the N-Word, it's derogatory, unless a black person hears 'em, then they explain it's a term of endearment. Then they same something like, "anybody can be a nword, not just black people...I'm just talking about the way somebody acts." That never gets old. What also doesn't get old is rednecks calling people Arabs. The link for "Video of the Day" has that old bag that called Obama an Arab getting interviewed, etc. That's a new feature of LaredoSlider.Com and will be used for video highlights daily. Oh yeah, there is a scoreboard, too...so you can check Laredo's L___ P_pe _ock's of the Week (you can fill in the blanks with what you want).

Oklahoma (-6.5) at Texas

I already picked this, and the game is in the second quarter right now (actually it's a one point game at half). The reason I picked OU is because I have believed that Sam Bradford is actually Cooper Manning since last year, after Cooper Manning got a time machine because he wanted to cash in on his family fame. The kid's good, he takes care of the ball, and Texas has been faking top-ranked status since their Rose Bowl win four years ago. Oklahoma covers.

Purdue (+18.5) at Ohio State (47.5)

Put this one in the overrated home team, with myopic fans, category with Texas. This is a conference game, and Ohio State isn't explosive...so 2 touchdowns plus is unlikely. Purdue also takes care of the rock. Oh yeah, Ohio State is 1-4 against the spread this year, so 1-5 is likely, right. Take Purdue and the under.

Penn State (-6) at Wisconsin (47)

The Nittany Lions will roll through Wisconsin, and it depends on depends. If JoePa shits himself before the game, it will be a sweater. If he shits himself around the beginning of the second quarter, the Lions will roll. Don't ask me how I came to these backwards conclusions. Maybe it's the brown liquor at 11AM PT. Penn State covers, with the over.

Enjoy the day of college football...oh yeah, GO TROJANS!

New Beginning

Every article I have written, EVER, has been a product of my alter ego, no matter what mind state I'm in. I have written some unconventional things when I was in grammar school, and not just because I was doing my homework on the bus, and that shit was due in 20 minutes. Now, I have this site where I can say what I want and I write more unconventional stuff. I usually post in the mornings when I have something constructive to say. I post in the afternoons after watching some sporting event that usually involves my team shitting the bed, in a big situation. Then I write late night when I'm faded, and I just watched a movie with one of my favorite starlets (like Transformers, with Megan Fox). I then write how much I would like to diddle her, and then use very graphic words describing all 13 inches of my dilzzzznick, usually implying impregnating one of these girls is my prerogative. Then I was thinking to myself that these days are all about softening what is actually happening in the real world, and I need to find some real ho's to come over here and...I mean take a stance on certain issues, and provide a forum for some of my loyal readers (who have been reading the same article for the last two months).

So the site is going through a overhaul. We'll still talk sports, but now is the time to talk about finances (21.99 Hennessey at Savon, HOLLA!!!), who is going to lead our country for the next four years, what is good as far as movies and entertainment are concerned (I will get guest reviewers who will tell me what they thought of a movie, cd, or something), and general pop culture will be included, as well. Audrey Bitoni has been taken off the top of the page, because I'm into classier girls, and through these times I have figured out that women are the strongest gender because I invited this broad over the other night...she was a 5'1” Asian girl, about 90 pounds, and I asked her if she wanted a $5 foot long, and she said yes...she thought I was using the Metric system, or some shit, because she thought a foot was shorter...but she took it anyways...the strength of her tonsils surprised me. Sorry...run on sentence. I will also put some links in the links tab (duh!). Oh...there will be polls, and not of the $5 foot long variety, either! Polls are trendy, and I think the site should have once every once in a while. College football picks tomorrow, and some other stuff. Enjoy!

p.s. - I probably will not get up in time for the Red River Rivalry, but I like OU (-6.5).

My Olympics Summary

I wrote an article saying that I didn't care about the Olympics, except for the USA Hoops. I have since been mesmorized by some of the happenings...let's recap:

1. Michael Phelps

This dude is ridiculous...he's the most dominant athlete EVER in the Olympics for one reason...there ain't no pools in the hood. The same thing applied to golf and tennis, and now the best golfer is Black (kinda) and the best Women's tennis players are Black (definitely). All you got to do is introduce the sport to tha hood, and it's over.

2. Women's Sports

Women's sports in the Olympics are like a crappy house party...too many foriegners, ugly broads, and short, young, girls who have crappy I.D.'s, but you say, "what the hell", and try to bang one of them out anyways (WHAAA?!?). Those young girls I'm talking about are the gymnasts, who can't be younger than 16 in order to compete (good rule to have when dating, but may not hold up in court). It turns out China is probably cheating and allowing girls younger than 16 to compete. They won the women's team gymnastics event, and some of those girls looked so young that they look like they had just a dirt infield, without a nappy dugout, if you know what I mean (and, ladies...if you don't know what I mean, get that shit fixed...it ain't cool to have too much grass on tha field). This may be something that you would let your local massage parlor slide with, but it's not cool when it cost the U.S. of A. a gold medal.

3. Nigeria and their abbreviation

I have been watching Soccer and caught Nigeria play a couple of times. They beat the U.S. Men to knock them out of medal contention. The problem I have is with NBC and how they abbreviate Nigeria in the upper left part of the screen: NGR. Now, I may not be the best grammeretician but NGR said out loud is "Nigger". Of course, all the players on Nigeria are black. Coincidence? I think not... And remember that there was never a black person on Friends (in the one episode I watched). I think that NBC needs to change the abbreviation before I organize a Million Man March/Jenkins Family Reunion at 30 Rock...



I know this has nothing to do with the real Olympics...but you wonder why we run from the cops...

Half-Breed Monday

Today, I choose to focus on two, of the three, most famous half breeds that the world has to offer: Halle Berry and Barack Obama (Tiger "El Nigre" Woods being the third). All are great ambassadors to the African-American race (check that... Obama and Woods are, Berry isn't). All are at the top of their professions, BUT it's time for Berry and Obama to do a little self check on their black sides. Lemme explain...

Halle Berry has pictures taken of her, and her newborn in her backyard and she is suing the paparazzi for invasion of privacy.

One, the paparazzi are wasting their time with these pictures. I don't want to see Halle Berry holding kids (in her arms, but in her mouth, I can do that...sorry...had to be done). That's not sexy. There are brothas locked up who can only jerk off to magazines, and this is the crap they put in there? Ridiculous. Secondly, this is exactly what happens when your white side takes over. Six months of litigation and a settlement. But this isn't going to appease Halle Berry's black side (which she has been ignoring for the last 7 years). What she needs to do is get 5 pitbulls (which should be a prerequisite for any black person who makes more than $45,000 a year), a strap (gun), and a dude around the house who knows how to take care of business. I'm not saying get back together with David "Rough" Justice, because he is a wife beater, but stop hanging with these breezy, male model types. I would feel comfortable with Eric Benet or Gabriel Aubry being around the house, if I were trespassing. Now, if Ms. Berry went out with T.I. or 50, I would keep my distance.

Now...for Sen. Obama, who just got back from an important trip overseas, where pundits will dissect whether or not he has what it takes to deal with the rest of the world, if he were to be president.

Mr. Obama...I know you are confident about everything you say or do, and sometimes people think you're arrogant, etc. But, people are going to second guess you if you're talking to proper to foriegn leaders. They'll be like, "I don't know about Obama, he speaks too well as a Negro to get things done overseas. They might think he's talking down to them." Fuck that. Let your Black side take over. When they ask about Afganistan, remember what it was like to walk into that little Afghani deli on the corner for blunts and a fifth of Hen:

Reporter: What do you think about the direction of Afganistan?
Black Obama: I think dey betta stop following me around (the store) before I put my foot up dey ass! Dey shit's stale anyways, and that nigga Akmed be spitting when he talks...

When they ask about Cuba, and the inevitable leadership change there...remember what it was like going to the club, and getting into it with some Cubans:

Reporter: Are you pleased with what's going on in Cuba?
Obama: I don't say shit! You gotta be careful wit dem niggas...they like to play baseball, so you know dey got some bats in the trunk...

Another good trick would be to pretend that you don't know the difference between Cuba and Puerto Rico. The key is making the rest of the world think you are crazier then they are (a popular Black fighting technique, when we don't really wanna fight).

So, Ms. Berry and Sen. Obama, keep up what you do, but do it with soul, with conviction, and with a fifth of Henny pumping through your veins, and people won't fuck wit ya.

Dream Team

The Dream Team played in Vegas yesterday, and put on a show, routing the Canadians by fitty. The team is the best team since the original version, and will destroy the world in Beijing. They actually bring up a very good question, though. Would I care about the Olympics if there wasn't a Dream Team going there? No. Do I care about one-legged sprinters trying to make it to Beijing, or sick passes from J-Kidd? J-Kidd. Do I care if Iraq sends athletes to the Olympics, or Kobe lighting up some third-world country for 70? Kobe. Do I care about a 41 year-old American swimmer who is defying all odds to go for gold, or LeBron dunking so hard on a Chinaman that they change the name of General Tso's Chicken to Kentucky Fried Chicken? Of course, KFC. So those are the story lines I care about, other than watching gymnastics to figure out with Eastern Bloc ho's are flexible enough to handle my pommel horse (and when they light the flame with that giant joint).

Signs of the Apocalypse

I was thinking about how good it feels to be a Mets fan today, versus a month and a half ago, when I wrote my last article. The Mets just finished beating the crap outta the Phillies to take first place today, and Carlos Delgado was the hero. The funny thing about the article, last month, was that I called Carlos Delgado a bum (and the season isn't done yet, so he hasn't lifted that tag yet). Since then he's been the catalyst of the Mets offense (he's hitting .307, 11 dongs, 30 ribbies since the article), and the pitching has been phenomenal. So this is starting to look familiar...like the time I wrote the article about the Giants being good enough to win it all in October last year (NO!!!!! Your never going to stop hearing about that!!!). I'm going on a limb right now, and saying that the Mets have what it takes to win the mediocre National League, and who knows? Maybe win it all... But enough about the Mets, because they have been known to shit on my emotions before (and, with their payroll, they should win the NL)...

I have been in Vegas for a while, and every day's temperature averages 106-ish...so I believe the world is going to hell in a hand basket, and all the earthquakes, hurricanes, etc. are proof. I believe in positive and negative energy (drinks) and there are reasons for these phenomenons...

1. Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley) is putting a stamp on her career that will make her the most successful cast member of Saved by The Bell.

When I watched Saved By the Bell back in the day, I thought that order of hotness of all the girls went like this:

1. Kelly Kapowski
2. Lisa Turtle
3. Jessie Spano

Kelly (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen) went on to 90210, then disappeared. Lisa Turtle (Lark Voorhees) straight up disappeared. The guys on the show Zach Morris and Screech, went on to NYPD Blue and home porn respectively (yes, Screech was in a porno called Saved by the Smell which we will no longer talk about). And the one transsexual cast member, A.C. Slater, is now hosting America Best Dance Crew on MTV (it's amazing...he actually makes J.C. Chasez look straight). Back to the ladies...how has Jessie Spano shot to the top of the charts? First was Showgirls, which came out in 1995 when I was a young boy of only 13 inches. This opened my eyes to the world of after midnight Cinemax. Now she's going to be on the L-Word...a show about carpet eaters on Showtime. I'll never watch this show, but at least the girl is working hard doing things that make sense, like other chicks. Therefore, she is the most accomplished member of the Saved by the Bell crew, which I could have never predicted.

2. Madonna ends A-Rod's marriage

I hate to bring up Kobe in this discussion (because he makes the world a better place), but what happened to the days when a star athlete would put his marriage on the rocks by banging a hooker, stripper, or high school (I mean college) girl , and denying it until his wife forgave him? A-Rod decides to get caught banging Madonna, and it's not like he owns a time machine. She's 35 and not hot anymore. If I'm paying a guy $27 million a year, I want him to mess with a $27 million dollar a year girl (a.k.a. 5 girls every night, using all holes). Otherwise, stick to being married, and don't let your personal life affect the team. Why is he married anyways? All I know is that I can start writing more slanderous articles about gay encounters between him and Derek Jeter, and that's a good thing.


3. NBA players are heading overseas for more money

I could write a real sports article on how the basketball landscape is changing, and how David Stern needs to change the financial structure of the NBA to allow teams to actually make a profit, but that ain't happening. Bottom line is mid-tier players are getting more money to play in Europe (translation: brothas are getting more money to ball in Europe, and we all know how much European ho's love the brothas...BALLIN'!!!!). So, how is this the sign of the apocalypse? Well, lets put it this way...what happens if Ron Artest signs to play in Iran? Then he knocks up the whole female population. Then in twenty-five years, we'll have a Ayatollah Ron Artest Jr....then the United States will have a real problem. This could happen and David Stern needs to step in a prevent this from happening! I mean...the second Ron Artest steps inside of the Iranian border, they officially have a weapon of mass destruction, and we would have to bomb them back to the Stone Age (a.k.a. Iran circa 2006). I know Ron Ron ain't signing there, but some other ignorant brotha will, and the U.S. will feel the wrath if we're not careful.


no photoshop needed...

So there it is...three signs of the apocalypse...actually four, because Carlos Delgado can actually catch up to a belt-high 89 m.p.h. fastball. Let's GO METS!!!