Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08

There are a lot of "dead" sports in the world. Sports nobody cares about because the quality isn't what it used to be. Sports, like boxing and tennis, that don't have the larger-than-life personalities. Sports that are shown on pay-per-view and aren't worth Americas hard earned bucks. And my biggest pet peeve, late starting and late ending events. Seriously, if an event ends at 2 in the morning, why would I want to watch it? The only event I want to watch is some Skinimax action, or some old-fashioned Internet porn, then I want to go to sleep with my hands in my pants. If sports are going to be on so late, maybe they should combine the allure of Skinimax with the skill of women's athletics. That is my idea, but I think the Women's Tennis Association stole it from me.

Late last night (around 12), I was flipping through channels and somehow stopped at the Australian Open, where Venus Williams was playing Ana Ivanovic. I probably stopped because the Williams sisters are historic athletes, and I wanted to see what was going on (I just lied, sorry). Truth is, I ALWAYS stop when I'm flipping through the channels, and spot women's tennis. I'm a product of the Kournikova Era, so that's the way it is. What happened was that Ivanovic beat Venus, and advanced to the semi's of the Australian Open. She also gave me a semi. She's actually pretty hot. So I'm thinking she might be one of the few hot tennis players. Then, ESPN showed the other three semi-finalist contestants (which caused gave me a semi times three, plus the first semi, which means I pitched a tent that looked like the Superdome). Maria Sharapova was one of the semi-causing finalists, unknowns Daniela Hantuchova and Jelena Jankovic were the others. I noticed they are all from the Eastern Bloc area, and when I Google'd all these ho's, they all have provocative pictures. Let's break down the semi-finals...in the Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08:

Maria Sharapova


VS.

Jelena Jankovic



Analysis: If I had to pick one to marry, it would be Sharapova. If I had to pick one to "F", it would be Jankovic. She seems sluttier, and Sharapova knows too much English. Judging by Jankovic's slanty-eyes, she might have some Asian in her. So her versatility in role playing goes all the way to Asian hooker. Jankovic also seems like the type of girl who will allow you to stick tennis balls where the sun don't shine. She also might get turned on by tennis rackets to the back of the head...Sharapova not so much.

Advantage: Jankovic

next match:

Daniela Hantuchova


vs.

Ana Ivanovic



This is a great battle, but just like the last one, Hantuchova is a little too white bread for me. She's hot, but Ivanovic is hotter. First of all, she isn't skinny like Hantuchova. Second of all, she is not as pale. Third of all, I found this picture of Ana lying in bed, just waiting for me to "f' her.


Notice the tennis racket on the right side. Any girl that brings a tennis racket to bed can cause me to throw my XBOX 36o out the window...she screaming for me to turn that handle brown. I hope everybody watches the semifinals (even thought they will be in the middle of the night). If you see Ana Ivanovic walking funny, with a tennis racket with a brown handle, just remember Laredo Wuz There.

Advantage: Ivnaovic