I don’t know what happened to SportCenter. It seems that they have gone completely away from the true highlights that make sports special, in lieu of stupid fake contests that they make up. Or, they blow things out of proportion regarding relationships between different athletes and celebrities (like, did Tony Romo have a bad game, last weekend, because Jessica Simpson was in attendance? One, I don’t care. Two, I hope Romo gets his legs broken). Then there is this other shit that ESPN loves to do: Who’s Next? Who is the next “it” athlete? WHODAFUCKCARES!?!?! I can make it easy, and I’ll tell ya who Laredo Slider’s “it” athlete of the year is. So here is the second Slizzie presentation of the year. Laredo Slider’s “IT” Slizzie of ’07!
When I am looking for the “it” athlete, the parameters are totally different than what ESPN is looking for. Off the field performance counts as much as on the field performance. Here are the nominees:
Roger Clemens: Has successfully taken the attention of off Barry Bonds by getting named in the Mitchell Report.
“IT” Factor: Is on “it”, but won’t admit “it”. Pros: Had a funny cell phone commercial. Stole money from the Yankees. Cons: Bombed my fantasy team.
Adam “Pacman” Jones: A contender in all Slizzie categories. A constant entertainer, who never disappoints the American public. He gets suspended from the NFL (which was entertaining), then starts wrestling with TNA wrestling (which is entertaining).
“IT” Factor: Makes”It” Rain Pros: Known to cause twenty dollar bills to come from the ceiling (for visual effect), at the strip club. Cons: Causes people to get shot. “It” could be you!
Stephon Marbury: A prodigal son of Laredo Slider. I wear his gear, and I am a huge Knicks fan.
“IT” Factor: Went to a strip club with a Knicks intern. Took her out to his SUV, and hit “it”. Also, gave many fucked up interviews, making people wonder if he’s on drugs. Pros: Fifteen dollar sneakers. Cons: Fifteen dollar point guard play.
Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova: Gulbis is kinda hot, Sharapova is hot (but 6’1”, which is a good thing…for me…cuz my dick is like 8’11”), and Kournikova could possibly be the hottest there is (now that Alba is pregnant…what a bitch…what’s more important, Jessica? Being a mother, or being a hot piece of ass?) . The important thing is that these three ladies play (or used to play) a sport. What sports? I don’t know.
“IT” Factor: Googleable pics that are real. Googleable pics that just have their heads photoshopped onto naked bodies. Either way, I win. Pros: They’re all foreign…don’t understand terms like “Dirty Sanchez” or “Cleveland Steamer”, until it happens to them. Cons: None.
Tennis star Anna Kournikova posing for a magazine on top. Shot of her seeing how wet she is after reading this column, bottom.
Golfer Natalie Gulbis...right before I take my driver out, drive my balls through the rough, and put "it" in the hole
Tennis star Maria Sharapova posing for S.I. on the bottom...on the top, doing a stretch that makes me wish I had photoshop. What stretch is that, anyways? I've seen girls leave my apartment doing that stretch, but it never helps their limp.
And the Winner is: Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova
Nobody should be surprised. The last time I nominated three broads for one award, they won. I hope females recognize Laredo Slider is a female friendly site, where I respect the strides made by women in the world (and I give awards for it). I understand that it takes at least three women to defeat men in anything (other than math, sports, driving, voting, science, and being president, where men own. And, women, don’t say, “Hey, you’re black and haven’t always been able to vote.” That’s a bad argument. I vote every year. Bron,
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