I Know What You Did Last Winter, youblackmothafucka!

I haven't posted in a month and a half. Just some random thoughts, and mailbag stuff...

WOOOO!!! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated. A month and a week off from writing articles, and I have been taking mental notes on what I should write about once I returned. A ton of ideas have gone through my head (most of them around 1:45 a.m., with my hand in my pants). This includes what type of changes I should make for the new year, to the website. You may wonder, "Laredo, it's March, how is it the New Year?" In the sports fan's world, there are two years in one calendar year. You may wonder, "Laredo, does that mean the 17 year old I'm banging is really 34 and I shouldn't go to jail?" No, she's really 17. Savor every minute of it while you're on the outside. But, back to the New Year, and why March kicks off what will be a special year.

It's almost Spring. Daytona, Spring Training, and Golf get fired up and March Madness takes over my life. It's such a new year and love is in the air. All of my friends have either (A) serious girlfriends, (B) new loves, or C an affinity for Subway sandwiches, sports, making white people nervous, making Asian people nervous, gambling, massages, stealing movies off the Internet, and making a lewd comment whenever a 17 through 19 and a half year old girl passes by. I fall into the C category, and I'm beginning to think that its getting kinda old. I need to start a family. I need to spread my seed. I need to turn the last sentence into a joke involving some young starlets face. So, I'm going to going to make a concerted effort to find Mrs. Laredo Slider over the next year. I'm going balls to the wall with this one. I'm going to get in better shape. I'm going to make a effort to listen to girls when they talk at me. I'm unleashing shock and awe on Jdate. I'm going to high school career days. I'll also go through the ladies' mail to answer questions that give them a better understanding of me, as I will want to pick their brains so I can figure out how to get them to trust me so I can empty their bank accounts and raw dawg them so I can have a young LeBron Laredo Slider in 18 years...I mean have a meaningful relationship. Let's get into the mailbag:

Mailbag

You are a horrible writer...you totally make fun of women and are racist.

-Sum Dum Ho, Anytown, USA

This is actually the gist of 75% of the emails I received in the last month. I think I'm a good writer, and that's all that counts...you must realize that this site is intended for people who have a sense of humor. You may not guess what nationality I am when you read a random entry. Well...I'm a Brown American. That means that there is a double standard that says that I can say anything I want. The funny thing is that people get offended when I write about their nationality, but love it when I make fun of Asians or Jews. Everybody has been made fun of, and written about, so to all the people who have issues with it...Go Fuck Yourself.

I' neyer see a prenis sooo brig!

-Massage Lady, Las Vegas, NV

This is actually the gist of 100% of the dialogue I receive when I get a massage.

The Patriots blew it, I know...I have gone totally Hollywood, and if I see you on the streets, I expect you to punch me in the face and turn it into a public urinal.

-Bill Simmons, ESPN

He didn't really write this, but it's funny how stupid New England/Boston fans are when they DON'T live in New England. I understand that you may watch every game, every night, but because you live in a city where they aren't talking about your team, you think it's Boston against the world. You guys won a couple of World Series because the National League can't produce a legit World Series contender. You squeeked out three Super Bowls (I was rooting for ya'll in all three, I must admit), and you lost to the NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS in a loss so bad, it erased one of the other Super Bowl wins ya had. Every time a Pats fan said 'Best Team Ever' the sports gods got pissed and Cleveland Steamered your whole season. If you don't win the AL this year, and you don't win the lowly Eastern Conference in the NBA, consider it rough justice. I thought that it would be a good idea to leave the Super Bowl prediction article up for a month while I basked in the glory of one of the most satisfying championships in city history. I made a 44-24 prediction because I knew the Giants were younger, faster, and stronger. The game felt like a 20-point blowout at the end, and I can't say anything that hasn't been said, but here is a GFY: To all bandwagon Giants fans, and Boston fans, who are the most myopic people in the world. I hate seeing people vehemently root against the Giants, then they say, "oh, I knew they would win all along", or, "they were lucky". SUCK IT! You all knew who you are, and this championship was for the real fans, and none, NONE, of your teams can do anything that can sniff what the 2007-08 Giants did. I found out Boston fans are jaded, and they want to be like Yankee fans, so they acted like Yankee fans, and got the fat end of a Louisville Slugger right where the sun don't shine. And...

Yeah...so what, I wear a Eli Manning jersey for a month straight. I washed it once and there is so much body spray pumped into it, I expect to get tackled by a pyramid of cheerleaders any minute now. HE IS THE MVP OF THE GAME THAT COUNTS!!! And, all black people who said to me, "why don't you wear a black man's jersey?" (nobody has said this to me, but I was at a Waffle House where I thought I was going to get lynched because of it) THIS ISN'T 1960!!! I can wear a white man's jersey! Besides, it's the number 10...if Kordell Stewart comes back to play QB for the Giants, I have NO problem prying the "MANNING" off the back of the jersey, and putting "STEWART" on the back. So here is a GFY to all Giants Apparell Haters. I beat off every time that Giants Championship Sports Illustrated commercial comes on. Haters include Bill Simmons who said he was tired of bandwagon Giants fans he sees in L.A. Message to Simmons: if I see you on the street and I'm wearing my Kordell Stewart/Eli Manning jersey, and you say one word to me....run, nukka! You're lucky I'm on some sort of parole in the state of California, but I got two strikes to burn, bitch! One of my readers put you in your place when they wrote you this e-mail:

The B in Bandwagon stands for Beantown. I'm from NY but live in Los Angeles now and have been a fan of the G-Men my whole life. I will not pretend to argue that 90% of the people you saw could tell you the name of the TE who started for the Giants in the Super Bowl, let alone be able to recognize David Tyree on the street if it weren't for the copious number of tv interviews. However, if you want to talk about Bandwagons begin at home. The Celtics are not the biggest offender, your Red Sox have made unprecidented "fans" especially in the past year. Please ask the next idiot you see wearing a Red Sox hat here in LA the simplest of Bo-Sox trivia ?'s and Im sure the response will be silence. A run as large as that B-wagon jump couldn't be replicated if So Cal knocked down the gate to Mexico and painted a south-facing banner that read "Tecate Gratis!" As my other fav blogger writes "You gotta b F****** kiddin me!" GO GIANTS!!!

Random Thoughts

The page needs a new look

I decided that I would only use this page template whenever a team of mine is in contention for a championship. It was good luck for the G-Men, and it will be good luck for the Mets this fall. The only other thing that I was getting used to was seeing Nautica Thorn on my banner, and I'm going to miss when I take her off. I will say that she is going to be in the inaugural class for the Laredo Slider Hall of Fame. The new LS girl will be Audrey Bitoni (click her name for a little sample of her superior acting skills). I will also put some new links on the side. I have a link for breast cancer support, one for AIDS, one for cystic fibrosis, and one for Barack Obama's website. I think that these are great causes and there should be some good done by the website (oh yeah, click on “Audrey Bitoni” to see another website where you see her get done good)....

P.S. - Miss Bitoni, don't get a big head for being Laredo's Cover Girl of the Moment...Mariah Milano is right on your heels

Audrey Bitoni (half German, half Spanish)

Don't drive across the country unless you have to

I just mentioned I spent some time in a Waffle House. That's because I took a trip across the country. In my predictions for '08, I mentioned that I was going to get pulled over for no reason, and get asked to leave the car for no reason. I am proud to tell ya'll that happened one afternoon last week (I'm telling ya, those predictions are going to come true. I will be at the head of the Hannah Montana empire in no time...and while we're on the subject of H. Montana...is it weird when you, or your homies, are flipping though the channels and then it says 'Hannah Montana' on the on-screen guide, and for some reason the channel surfing stops for 4 seconds, then continues? I mean...I can get through the foreign channels in 2 seconds flat...but once I get to the Nickelodeon section of the dial, shit slows down. Can I erase the last 5 sentences?) So....I get pulled over because I was black and wearing a Kordell Stewart jersey (I was basically asking for it). I wasn't speeding, I wasn't swerving, and I wasn't ghostriding the whip (but I had the urge to). The wonderful police officer of Memphis, Tennessee asked me where I was going, and when he didn't smell any malt liquor on me, he let me go. Pretty uneventful, but worth talking about. Here's a GFY to all police departments everywhere. You dumbasses shouldn't pull over people just because they are black, and look guilty (sorry for the redundancy).

That's it...there will be a post everyday...your comments are also apprecitated, so keep 'em coming. Peace...

Super Bowl Pick

Today is the day...three hours away...this is how it's going down (BTW, no live blog...I'm already too drunk)...

I arrive at unknown person's Super Bowl party. I smile, and immediately look around to see what kind, and how many, of "B's" are in attendance. B's are anything that start with B that can get a party started: Beer, Blunts, Broads, Bratwurst, Bitches, Ballons (with helium in 'em only), Big Booty Bitches, Big Booty Broads, and Big Booty Broats Bringing Me Beer, Blunts, and Bratwurst (and somewhere we will work Blumpkin into the equation). So I check that out, mind my P's and Q's, and consume more alcohol. I then come up with a plan on what food I am going to eat. Do I eat dairy products, that will be sure to close the bathroom off for 45 minutes, or wait until the second half when people know me a bit better? Is the couch conducive to muffling the sound of a fart, or should I care? Is Troy Aikman going to cause me to throw a beer at the TV? Am I going to use the words "Brandon Jacobs", "hole", "pigskin", "bitch", "anal", and "black" in the same sentence twice (one yelling at the TV, and once talking to a broad)? Probably. What I don't know is the outcome...I think it's going to be close. My prediction...

Giants win the coin flip, and tell Brandon Jacobs to exploit the holes in the Pats 'D and then spike the pigskin so hard off of the playclock that the playclock thinks it's getting anal from a black guy. The game is going to be a game where the Patriots defense will give the Giants something, and the Giants will take it. Tom Brady will get sacked a couple of times, but the Giants D is a great bend, but don't break, defense. The more I write this paragraph, the more I realize what everybody is scared to say...the Giants are bigger, faster, and don't give a fuck... That's my final analysis...Giants 44 Pats 24. Giants win Sunday, Johan press conference Monday, Championship Parade Tuesday, Liver Failure Wednesday. Oh, yeah...no drinking and driving! Make sure you have a designated decoy, if you do drive. GO BIG BLUE!!!!!

College Hoops Saturday - Laredos's L___ P_pe _ock

I'm sorry I haven't posted the Super Bowl preview/Rambo review yet, but it's only because I have been extremely f'd up over the last 18 hours. I am in the middle of my tailgate/pregame phase for Super Bowl XLII. I'm this close to posting up in Wal-Mart with some beers, getting their display barbecue fired up, and yelling "show me your tits" to everybody who walks by me. It'll be like that guy who is living in an Ikea, except Wal-Mart wouldn't appreciate the free advertising I would be giving them by having to be dragged out of the store, while I was accusing the police of calling me the "n-word". The article will be written for Sunday morning...I still need to get my feelings for the game garnered, and my mind isn't right for predicting the big game. But college basketball? I can predict that all day. Two games. Two locks. Let's go.....

Miami Hurricanes (-15) at #3 Duke, Kirk Cameron Indoor Arena, 3:30 ABC

Duke basketball reminds me of one of my favorite movies, White Men Can't Jump. It starts out with a white guy, who's pretty good at basketball, and he plays in a pickup game with a bunch of brothas. If you're me, you're rooting for the white guy to blow his Achilles and have the movie end right there. But that doesn't happen, and the white guy teams up with the black guy to rule the courts of L.A. Duke is the white guy, buy I can never root for them. I know the outcome is going to be a ending that screams, "if we all work together, we can all win in the end!" I hate that shit. I want MIA to win, and not do it graciously...they won't, BUT they will cover...Duke wins 82-70. Next...

Arizona (-9) at #5 UCLA, Pauley Shore Pavillion (or Paulie Walnuts Pavilion), 9 ESPN

UCLA has a sick squad, and they should get to the Final Four (again). Zona has a couple of bona fide NBA guys (Bayless and Budinger) who can keep them in games against anybody. The problem with UCLA is that they aren't going to play a tempo that's going to allow them to have a nine-point lead, at the end of the game. They grind it out, and play fundamentally on both ends of the floor. Nothing wrong with it, but it is as boring as a paragraph where I really talk about X's and O's (like this last one). UCLA wins 78-72

That's all...I need to get more blood in my alcohol stream, so I'm going to take a nap, but we're less than 32 hours away from the Super Bowl...I can't wait...

No Laptop...No Problem

My laptop broke (which is probably a message from God...telling me to ease up on the Asians, Jews, etc.). I'm not going to have it for the big game, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have a live blog. I'll be doing it from my phone. I hope that everybody can do without my wonderful Microsoft Paint pictures, but I figured a way to get pictures up, from my phone to the blog, and I'll have wonderful pictures of the Super Bowl party I am at. Which brings me to the homework for my readers. I want to see ridiculous moments from the Super Bowl parties you attend. Take a piss in the punch bowl? Send a pic of it to me. Puke on somebody's flat screen TV? Send a pic of it to me. Accidentally punch a Pats fan for running their mouths? Send it... Get pulled over after the party for drinking and driving then you get tasered? Send it... Now starts my Super Bowl party...I will be drunk for the next 120 hours, so Giant fans...LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!

Tommorrow...Giants/Pats predictions and Rambo review...Saturday...College Hoops Picks...Sunday...live blog...Monday...Recap

SANTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mets just completed a deal to bring Johan "the best pitcher in the league, SUCK IT!!!!!" Santana to Queens. I don't have much to say except that I am a happy sports fan, because now one of my teams is playing for a championship, and another will follow. AND, the Mets gave up nothing (4 minor league prospects)!!! I'm besides myself, so I'm going to interview myself.

Me: Johan Santana is a Met...

Me: Yeah...I know...I predicted it June 19, 2007

Me: How do you feel about Johan Santana being a Met?

Me: It feels great.

Me: How are you going to celebrate?

Me: By going to the liquor store and getting some Hennessey.

Me: Don't you think you should stop talking to yourself before you go to the liquor store.

Me: No...like it would be weird to see a black guy talking to himself outside of a liquor store.

Me: True...maybe we can panhandle, too!

Me: Sounds like a plan...

LET'S GO METS '08!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS '08!!! LET'S GO RANGERS '08!!! Knicks...'08 is our year...for getting the number one pick. Phuck Philly!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Fine! I'll post a Double B article...

It's Monday, and I'm restless. So close to the big game, and I don't want to write about the game until my Friday article where I predict the outcome of the game. I can't watch TV this week, but if the Double B was writing and creating these shows, I would probably watch. Oh yeah...***WARNING*** The Double B is Jewish. Therefore, all these shows will be shown on public television. Everybody should be able to see it, besides, cable is too expensive.

Sometimes I feel I’m the only person that doesn’t care about the writer’s strike. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy TV just as much as the next person, but it’s all terrible. I’ve been more entertained this year than last year. I’m hoping this strike will start killing off terrible shows. I can’t count how many times I’ve see an advertisement for a show I’ve never new existed. Then I find out it’s been on the air four years! (Median, Numbers, Law and Order: Five, etc..) Give me more game shows. I want to win money while I watch TV. Start showing programs we don’t have in the U.S. The UK shows some crazy stuff.

Before Hollywood does something drastic and resolves the strike, I made a list of moneymaking shows that need to be made. Unfortunately, I had high hopes for American Gladiators, but right now it’s kind of gay. And I don’t mean “gay” in the stupid way, I mean gay. The show can still be fixed, but I’ll let NBC figure that out. Here are my ideas.

1. The Miami Heat desperately needs Shaq to retire. He’s due to make $20 million a year for standing under the basket accumulating three-second calls. I suggest the Heat trade him to Spike, Comedy Central, or ABC, and give him his own show. The man has charisma, charm, and wit. Which are three things Jimmy Kimmel is lacking. Imagine the possibilities. Penny Hardaway can be the sidekick that can’t get off the couch because his knees are fucked. Marv Albert will be the in-studio announcer and sexually harass every female audience member - I smell 19 seasons. In case you forgot how funny Shaq is, here’s a link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWqPnEGzfK8&feature=related

2. New York Knicks: All Access. I’m not sure I need to write anything. I have a few ideas of what happens behind the scenes. Isiah Thomas collects his pimp money every Monday and Friday. Eddy Curry eats about 20 Blimpie subs and gets another stretch mark on his body. Instead of hitting the gym and losing weight, he gets another tattoo to hide it. This will be the emotional segment. Starbury will bang interns while endorsing cheap shoes. David Lee will go to Synagogue. And Nate Robinson will take target practice on local thugs every Tuesday and Sunday.

3. Terrance and Philip. Hire scab writers to create this cartoon that should have been made seven years ago.

4. Chuck Norris attempting to act out his myths.

5. Girls Gone Wild Partially Nude Show. Don’t get me wrong it will suck not having full nudity, but Spike TV needs to start showing more T & A. It’s also never gets old seeing drunk college girls making mistake after mistake for a shirt.

6. Prank Phone Calls. Buy a few ounces of pot and booze, find some teenagers skate boarding, and give them a phone and the Yellow Book. 1 out of 10 calls will be hilarious.

7. Lastly, a show called Fights. The show will show all kind of fights. Fist, dog, knife, gang, verbal, and divorce are just the beginning.

I propose...two more lead pipe locks

Some of you are probably wondering when an article from the Double B is going to appear on LaredoSlider.com again. Was there a falling out between the Double B and Laredo? Is there a 168 hour sale going on somewhere that is keeping the Double B away from the keyboard? Is there a Jewish holiday (other than a 168 hour sale) that prohibits the Double B from turning on a computer? Is typing too athletic, and dangerous, for the Double B? Can Laredo Slider come up with more Jewish jokes? I'll answer all the questions for ya: No, Maybe, Maybe, Probably, All Day Long, Biaaattch! Truth is, he has typed an article, but I'm really superstious right now, and holding on to it. Today marks a week from when the biggest Super Bowl, in a long time, kicks off. My Giants are hot, and as a fan I need to keep all loser fans from this site (The Double B is a Bears fan). I don't want whatever "mojo" Rex Grossman had last year rubbing off on my team. This year's underdogs are for real, and I'm not writing about the game for a reason. I need to keep things in perspective, and reserve all my energy for the 5-state riot I'm going on after the game. So everybody gets to read about Hooker-Offs, college hoops, and the NBA. Today is an NBA day...two games on ABC...Boston at Orlando and Kobe vs. Bron...

Yesterday, I picked two gems, and if you played them, no need for thanks...just send hookers, Guiness, and weed to my room, if I visit your city (see Mathematical Equation below). Today's games are tough because you never know when NBA players want to play. Some nights they just mail it in. Can I call these two games "Lead Pipe Locks"? I guess I can, but be cautious whenever you play the NBA...

Boston (-2) at Orlando

This is actually easy money. Boston is favored by two, but they will probably win by more than a bucket. Just to show how fixed the NBA is, I'll predict the game:

One o'clock starting time means that most of the players are half asleep (some of them would be getting to bed at this time). Boston comes out hot and almost buries Orlando early on. But, wait! The game is on ABC! The refs step in and rig the game to make it close in quarters 2 through 4. Maurice Evans and Keith Bogans try to break the record for most bricks tossed up, then the ABC cameras center in on J.J. Redick on the bench. They then say, "he can help a team somewhere". I then say, "yeah, in Korea...North Korea". Kevin Garnett almost gets ejected, Dwight Howard misses some big free throws, and Ray Allen gets hot down the stretch. Celts win 99-93

Cavs (+4) at The Lake Show

Kobe vs. LeBron, the two best players in the galaxy. The Lakers haven't been the same since Andrew Bynum has gone down, and the Cavs have been hot. This may be an epic game because 1.) LeBron doesn't fully believe he is the best player in the world, and he has to beat Kobe to prove it, and 2.) Kobe still knows he is the best, but his teammates have gone back to sucking, so he will shoot every time. Somebody is going for 50. Look for Kwame Brown to thoroughly embarrass himself 3 times this game. Jordan Farmar (the best Jewish player, EVER) will have an oppritunity at a wide open layup, and then take a three pointer because of the better value. Cavs win 107-101 (Kobe drops 53)...

Last, and certainly least, is the on-ice proposal of marriage from John Baldwin to Rena Inoue, last night. They are figure skating partners and after they finished their routine yesterday, Baldwin got on one knee and proposed (he actually had to do it twice, she didn't hear him the first time) Did I mention she is Asian? I love when I order Asian food and I order with the actual name of the dish (ex. Kung-Pao Shrimp), and they don't understand what you want. Then I'm like, "I'll take a 53" (the number of the dish on the menu). Then they ask, "Eggroorr?" (egg roll). Then I say yes, thinking that I was going to get a complimentary egg roll. Then 53 egg rolls show up an hour and a half later. What am I trying to get at? Don't ask Asian women to get married, if you end up having to ask twice, because in two years you'll realize you didn't get what you asked for and you'll have to put up with 53 of her non-vaccinated relatives showing up to live with you forever!

I think she thought he was gay...