L___ P_ipe _ock: The House of Manning

Sunday is here, and I AM PUMPED! Giants vs. Cowboys! Let’s go G-Men! In my house we have a tradition. It’s a tradition built around calling audibles, doing commercials, and making fucked up, funny faces when ever we throw interceptions. It’s also a tradition where we go to the playoffs every year. If you don’t know, the house I’m talking about is the House of Manning.

I thought it would be a good idea to get the boys fired up before they took the field today, so we sat down and ate dinner last night. Eli, Peyton, the other brother nobody cares about, Archie, his wife Olivia (a.k.a. Quaterback-Factory Vag #1), and I sat down for a home cooked meal. I received so much insight to what’s going to happen today in both games, and I recorded the whole conversation at dinner. I will copy the excerpts onto LaredoSlider.Com for everybody to enjoy. Afterwards, I’ll give you my picks for today’s games.

7 p.m. - I arrive at the Manning Estate (Plantation) and I’m greeted at the door by Olivia Manning (a.k.a. Quarterback-Factory Vag #1)

Olivia: Hi! I’m so glad to meet you! You don’t have to introduce yourself. (She Yells) Eli! Plaxico is here for dinner!

Me: Oh, no, I’m Laredo Slider. I understand that you get us all confused. I’m here for the dinner/interview.

Olivia: Have a seat at the table! I hope you like pot roast! If I knew you were coming, I woulda sent the other brother nobody cares about to KFC. In the ghetto.

Me: Can you still send him?

Olivia: Yes. And if he gets shot, oh well. It’s not like he’s a pro athlete or something.

7:21 – We all sit down. The table looks good. The pot roast had all the fixings. Sprint phone casserole, MasterCard pâté, fried Citizen watch rings. The pot roast was served on a DirecTV satellite dish, and had Reebok sneaker stuffing. Gatorade was there to wash it down, but I had to watch in HD, on a beautiful Sony HDTV.

Me: I see that you have all the sponsors hooking you up. You must really enjoy getting so much free stuff. Why do I have to sit in this room? Can’t I eat at the table?

Archie: No, you can’t. And, we can see you in there! The silverware is worth nothing, so don’t steal it!

Olivia: Look, Peyton! Marvin Harrison has a T.V. show, and he’s about to eat dinner!

Archie: Shut up, bitch! That’s just the guy who just came to eat dinner with us, and he’s on the security cam.

Me: Well, let’s talk about Sunday’s games. Peyton, what is your key to success?

Peyton: Well, as long as God’s on my side we have a shot.

Me: I mean football-wise.

Peyton: No, seriously. God puts money on the Colts every week. We only lose so it doesn’t look shady. When we win, I get 60 percent.

Me: You get a bigger cut of the winnings than God?

Peyton: Who has more commercials?

Me: True

7:38 – Dinner is good. I’m actually waiting for my KFC, while the family is eating their meal. Eli has been quiet, so it’s time to ask him a few questions.

Me: Eli, how are you going to dismantle the Cowboys?

Me: Eli?

Olivia: Eli, Amani Toomer is asking you a question, honey…please answer…

Me: Bitch, I am NOT Amani Toomer!

Olivia: Oh my God, HE’S DROWNING IN THE SOUP!

Eli pulls his head out, and after he’s revived, he answers the question.

Eli: We’re going to establish a running game, and play action the shit out of the Cowboys’ secondary. The D is going to dial-up pressure early and often. We are going to use unnecessary roughness penalties to set the tone early on. We are also going to decapitate Tony Romo, while the practice squad takes turns violating Jessica Simpson. Then we’re going to tape that, and put it on laredoslider.com, and force him to write two weeks of articles of Jessica Simpson sex tapes, instead of a week of Kim Kardashian articles.

Archie: Son, are you okay? Oh my God, HE’S POSSESSED!

Laredo Slider is sitting in the other room with a bucket of KFC, laughing

Me: That’s right, he’s possessed. I possessed him. You motherfuckers took to long getting my chicken, so I had to sacrifice a chicken, a la Major League when Cerrano wanted to sacrifice a chicken before their big playoff game. I also took the time to possess Eli, so he can win the big game tomorrow. Your wife is also pregnant. She will give birth to a quarterback in nine months. He will be black. Teach him how to throw and keep him away from dogfighting.

The Manning family, except Olivia, run from the house…she’s happy because she thinks she’s having Reggie Wayne’s baby.

San Diego (+10) at Indy

Indy covers. Something tells me that Shawn Merriman is going to get arrested for something midway through the second half. Look for Philip Rivers to throw a bunch of picks. The score will be closer than the game…Indy, 31-17

New York Giants (+7) at Dallas

Giants win outright. Look for a decapitated Tony Romo to be ineffective after being shocked that his girl is getting gangbanged by the Giants' practice squad. In a unprecedented move, T.O. trades himself to the Giants midway through the game, because Eli plays possessed and there is plenty of KFC on the sideline. Giants 27-20.

LET’S GO BIG BLUE!!!!!