Laredo's Kerry Collins Edition Monday QB (yes, I have been drinking) - GFY List

This article is dedicated to Kerry Collins, my fourth favorite QB of all-time (Simms, Hostetler, Eli, KC5). If it weren't for Kerry, I wouldn't have thought it was acceptable to write, drunk, using racial slurs. I've dropped n-bombs, made fun of Asians, exploited Mexicans through stereotypes, etc. The thing is, is that I'm a realist, and some people may not say the things that are on their minds, but guys like Kerry Collins and I do. This GFY list is going to be dedicated to the numerous analysts how have spewed shit out of their mouths this week.

First on the chopping block, A-Rod Haters...

How do you blame A-Rod for doing what he is doing? He has the ability to make more money by opting out of his contract. On Monday, I'm watching Sportcenter, and their headline is "The Greediest Player Ever". WTF?!?! If I could make more money, I would, and so would everybody else. The other thing that is funny is FOX announced that A-Rod was a free agent right before the ninth inning in the World Series clincher. The story really broke before the game and they waited, and made A-Rod look bad (even though, if I'm A-Rod I don't mind that move...I would try to get FOX to C.G.I. my nuts on the screen, as the Red Sox celebrate their championship). People are idiots...who are we to decide what A-Rod does? Big GFY to A-Rod Haters.

(BTW, I came up on this article on ESPN.com, and I'm appalled by the fact that they pay people to write absolute crap. I'm starting a petition.)

Next, Tony Romo...

I will write this directly to Tony...

Tony,

Wipe that shit-eating grin off of your face. I didn't mind you when you were a backup QB. I started to get pissed when you were linked to Jessica Simpson. Now you sign a extension for 31 million, guaranteed. I officially hate you. You're single, and the rich QB of the Cowboys. Hook a brotha, up (me, not T.O.). If you win a Super Bowl, and become part of the Holy Trinity of QB's (Farve, Manning, Brady), I'll be pissed. I'm a little jealous, but if you get stuck up and robbed, you asked for it...GFY!!!!

Now that's off my chest, next is Bill Belichick haters....

This week, the Pats beat the Redskins 52-7. People then complained that it was bad sportsmanship, etc. Then they lamented that Bill Belichick is a cheater. It's amazing...I compare Bill Belichick to a cool George W. Bush. You talk shit about him. Then you realize he has the best weapons, but unlike Bush, he uses them to their full extent, and wins wars. Belichek is pissed, and so is his team. The funny thing is, how do you complain about a team running up the score? There are two simple ways to combat it. Cheap shot the pretty boy QB (it will only cost you 15 yards), or don't let the score get out of control (show some heart). If it was 38-0 and I see the other team trying to pass the ball, the next play is an all-out blitz. I would send all 15 guys (I would have four extra guys blitzing from the sidelines). Then I would make all the beer in the stadium free, and tell the fans where the Pats team bus is. Bottom line is people call the Pats cheaters and creeps, only because idiots on ESPN tell them to. Bill Belichick haters......................................................................GFY!!!!!!!!!!

Next, Snitches!

No, really, snitches. First, Mike Vick's boys snitch his ass out of playing football and millions. Then O.J.'s henchmen are turning on the Juice. WTFWTFWTF?!?!? These people single handedly fucked up Madden '09, and any hope for a new "Naked Gun" movie. What's next?!?!? Snitching on Santa Claus because the North Pole is a sweat shop?!?!? GEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY, SNITCH ASS SNITCHES!!!!

(if O.J. is reading this...there is this guy in Dallas who just got 31 million dollars...we'll call him Rony Tomo...I think that he has memoribilia and white bitches at his house...I'll meet you there).

NY Sports Check - 10/25

New week, same shit. It's almost like the sports world is under a dark spell cast by the Red Sox Nation. We gotta watch them beat the inferior Rockies, amidst the crappy announcing of Tim McCarver. Once they win it will be all over and we can concentrate on the NFL, and hot stove baseball. Whatever...the good thing about being a NY sports fan is that there is always something to talk about. So without further hesistation, NY Sports Check:

1. New York Giants

Why the Giants are number one: The Giants are dominating, and guess what? They have the best shot at winning a championship, out of all the NY teams, at this moment. The reason? Not the improved play of Eli. Not the revamped offensive line. Not the three-headed running attack. And, not the big play capabilities of Plexiglass Buress. It is the defense, but not the talent (even though they are very talented). It's Steve Spagnuolo, the defensive coordinator. Let's be real, these are the Giants, and they play in North Jersey. Do they want a defensive coach named Johnnie Lynn, or Tim Lewis? NO!!!! The Giants should have a defensive coordinator who is a "Pisan". With a name like Spagnuolo, he is a shoe in to be the next Giant coach. He is lauded for his blitz schemes (he refers to them as "hits"). And he is knows how to get his players motivated. I asked Coach Spag on how he keeps his players motivated. He said, "I tell those moulies that they better play or then my cut, of their pay, will go from 10 points to 40 points, and if they don't like that they can go fuck themselves. Forgetaboutit. I'm just a capo right now, but one day I'll be boss of this organization. Coughlin is getting lazy, and we know how those micks like their liquor." Okay, so he didn't say that. But he is the reason why the Giants can win the NFC.

2. New York Yankees

Why the Yanks are number two: The ownership is changing, and for the worse. I hope people realize that George Steinbrenner has no control on what is going on with the Yankees. If he did, then Joe Torre would still be around. He might have some medical condition (like Alzheimer's), and is being used like a pawn by the real controlling owners. The Dolan's are also putting in a bid to buy the YES Network, which means they want the team eventually (Forbes values the Yankees at 1.5 billion, and the YES Network at 3.5 billion). If the Dolan's get control, Suzyn Waldman will file a sexual harrasment suit, and will win. That's how inept and unprofessional the sports side of the Dolan empire has been so far (anybody accused of sexually harrasing Suzyn Waldman should be castrated). Oh yeah, they're looking for a manager who will take the worst job in baseball, the replacement of Joe Torre. Ha!! I feel a lost decade on the horizon.

3. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number three: Because they are in the middle of a quarterback controversy. Pennington is good, but they know Pennington already. They should play Kellen Clemens at QB and tank the season. With a high draft pick, they can get a player who is a gamebreaker, and they have zero of those right now. This is a classic example of the downs a team experiences after a year where they had an easy schedule.

4. New York Knicks

A lot of publications are picking the Knicks to miss the playoffs. I think it's more of an attack on the character of Isaiah Thomas than an attack on the actual talent of the roster. This is a team that is hard to match-up with and they are all 25 through 28 years old (with some exceptions), and they're maturing to the point where they can win 8 to 10 more games this year. They play hard for Isaiah. Oh yeah, if David Stern takes action against Isaiah, he has to take action against Kobe Bryant. Bryant settled with a "rape" victim and it's not like he didn't have sex with that girl (ho). I hope the Knicks do their thing this year and prove everybody (except me) wrong.

5. The Hockey Teams

Why are they number five: Last week I suggest that the NHL melt the ice and have brothas shoot from the stands at the players, just to make the sport interesting. I know that this will never happen, but last time I checked, there were no metal detectors in NHL arenas.

6. New York Mets

Why they are number six: I know the Yanks are in trade talks with anybody, and everybody. We better be doing the same thing. We also need to hire Wally Backman to be on our coaching staff. A lot of what the Mets were missing last year, is instilled in Backman. He is a Mets great who should get more respect within the organization, and I think he could be a great first base coach.

7. New Jersey Nets

Why they are number seven: They have a great backcourt, and I like a couple of their young players. Their front line is definatly underrated as well. But, still, they're boring. Their stars are not likeable (except Richard Jefferson), and they play in a dead arena. This will be their best team since they went to the finals, but whodafuckcares.

That's it...Go GIANTS!!!!

Laredo Review of da Week: StumbleUpon

I've watched nothing but sports, and a couple of movies, this week. The sports were good...Game 7 of Indians, Rockies, the Giants destroying the Niners. There wasn't anything worth talking about though. The movies I watched were Stardust (a surprisingly good movie, that I will watch again, and again), and A Mighty Heart (movie about the widow of Daniel Pearl, and what she went through while they were looking for her husband...It's a brutal movie because 1.) you know that not only are they not going to find Daniel Pearl alive, but they are going to see that tape of him getting cut up, and 2.) they never built up the character of Daniel Pearl...I didn't like it).

So, I'm sitting here wondering what to write about. I never have writer's block because everyday I see something that makes me think. It makes me think about why it's there, how it came about, etc. I didn't see anything today, except for the evacuation of people in the Southern California Firestorm (I don't want to write about it until the fire is out...I truly feel bad for these families). I sat down and hit my "StumbleUpon" button until I thought of something to write about.

For those who don't know, StumbleUpon, is a add-on to the Mozilla Firefox browser that randomize sites when you press the "Stumble!" button. You pick out your catagories of interest, and it will pick a random site to take you to. I guess if you're on somebody's computer, and they have this button, you could tell a whole lot about who they are and what they are about. Let's see what I "Stumbled" on:

The first site I encountered that I found appalling is the site GroovyGroves.com. The site is like a YouTube for musicians. The appalling part is the fact that they have a "Stiptease" section where girls dance in their underwear, etc., to music. Some of these girls are not eighteen. I think that this clip speaks for itself:

Don't send the cops to my house, please

Some people will say that I'm just helping out this website by putting this video on my blog. Well they're right...the site isn't that appalling, but this video is kind of appalling. I think any site that asks girls to do a striptease down to their underwear is a good site. If the cops ask, I am really just trying to get R. Kelly to do an interview on LaredoSlider (once he see's the site is pedophile friendly...he'll feel safe about giving me a interview). Oh yeah, anybody who needs me can find me at the 18 and over club this weekend...I'll be the one with the wristband.

So i'll stumble more and I get to The Onion...the website of one of my favorite publications. I've always liked their content, but then I found this video:

Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

I always said that white people can't use the words "nigger" or "nigga". Check 'dat...porno stars getting filled up by brothas can use those words. Check 'dat...any female who's getting filled up by me is free to use the n-word whenever they want. They can even bring KFC into bed with them, just to make fun of the stereotype that black people love chicken. I won't care, because you know a brothas gonna be hungry afterward. You will get thrown out of the crib, if you don't bring hot sauce and grape soda, though.

While we're on the subject of fried chicken and soda, check out the list of death row inmates, and their final meal requests. Most of the inmates want fried chicken, and who could blame them.

Finally, I stumbled on this one site that I thought was a joke. It wasn't:

Smell Me and. Com

WTF?!?! Are you serious? This is disgusting. Am I going to really want to have the smell of 'Chicken of the Sea' on my hands? These fools think that I'm going to be aroused by the smell of pussy? Usually after I'm done with it, it stinks and it makes these farting noises. They should put a whoopie cushion in every box, just for shits and giggles. What's going to be next? A fragrence of my shit, to remind women of the time I hit them with "The Shocker", and finished with a "Dirty Sanchez" or "Cleveland Steamer"? That'll get them hot. How about a bottle of my nut sweat. I would call it "Reminiscence of a Tea Bag".

So if you don't StumbleUpon, you're missing out. If you think I'm a perv, because these are the sites I see, you're probably right. I'm out like a broad who doesn't bring the hot sauce to bed...

Wouldya Rather?? LaredoS vs. Double B

Today, I’m doing a feature that I really wanted to do for a while. I’ve just been too lazy to do it. Today (and hopefully every Tuesday) is “Wouldya Rather” day. It’s a day where we ask important questions that have to do with current events, and some other ridiculousness. Today I ask the question, “Wouldya rather bang a 2002 Pam Anderson, or wouldya rather own a propane store in the middle of the Southern California Firestorm?”

The 2007 Firestorm in Southern California is for real. I saw special reports on Sunday, and took the fire for granted. Then I saw families evacuating and heading to Qualcomm Stadium, and took that for granted (with all the smoke, cars, and people handing out food I thought that Raiders fans were still tailgating after last week’s game). Then I woke up today and my nose was burning from breathing in the air (if I were president, I would have marijuana fields planted so if these fires happen again, they will make everybody high…and, they would forget about their shit burning down). Seriously, my heart goes out to anybody who has lost their way of living from these fires. And, if there are any ladies who want to meet up at the Qualcomm Stadium mass tailgate…email me.

Okay…today, I query the Double B for his take on the situation.

Double B: I would definitely choose the propane store. STD’s are bad, and propane is an easy sell.

(if ya don’t know, by now, Double B is Jewish)

Laredo: But, wouldn’t the store blow up?

Double B: It’s not going to blow up. Throw that shit under cement blocks and get a sprinkler system.

(if ya don’t know, by now, Double B is Jewish)

Okay…so he rather own a propane store.

Me on the other hand…I think that it’s important to think through decisions. This is what I call a “lose-lose” situation. You’re gonna get burned by both. In these situations, I realize why every President is a man. We have the uncanny ability to use two heads in a situation like this. So I’m going to ask my second head (Planters is his name, for those who want to know…he’s attached to nuts, and ladies should, and will, plant two lips on him whenever he comes around). Planters and my brain will now reason on what I rather do.

Laredo: Double B is right…people might need propane and insurance something every store owner should have.

Planters: Insurance? It’s like Forrest Gump says, “Insurance is like a box of condoms” …Bang out Pam, son!!!!!

Laredo: You may have a point. The question doesn’t indicate I have to go “raw dog”.

Planters: I wouldn’t hate on you if you did.

Laredo: I could also sell some pictures to the tabloids, of me and Pam banging. One will be of my dick, with a headline “Loch Ness Monster EXISTS!” The other would be “Brotha learned how to train Loch Ness Monster…Monster bangs out Pam Anderson.”

Planters: Now your talking…and don’t forget brothas love white blonds, with huge tits…and

Planters and Laredo (in unison): Pam Anderson is a white blond, with huge tits!!!

So, I rather bang Pam Anderson…2002 or 2007 (or 2032). Anybody with an opinion on what they would rather do should hit the comments tab. Remember, you gotta pick on or they other. I’m out like Pam Anderson after Planters busts his cashews…peace…

GFY List...Laredo's Monday QB

Welcome to this week’s installment of the GFY list. For those on the ArmchairGM.com site, this is your first installment (and there are a couple of you who should be on this list). As for the Blogspot audience, you know this is the highlight of my week. GFY of course stands for “Go F Yourself”. I direct this comment to somebody at least 30 times a week, and this Monday morning article helps me vent after a long sports weekend. Let’s not waste anytime and get started.

First, I’ll start off with Derek Jeter

I usually make fun of Derek Jeter for being homosexual, or more white than black (a.k.a. having a small penis), or I call him overrated. The problem is that he is linked to so many girls that he probably isn’t a homo. The New York Post reported he was in Miami, partying with Timbaland, drinking Grey Goose all night. To top it off he has multiple ladies coming and going from his room, but then there’s this quote, from the Post:

Jeter was spotted acting equally detached later that night at Set, where he was "surrounded by throngs of women five rows deep. He was hanging with a guy friend, though, and didn't seem to take much interest in the hordes of ladies."

Check that, he may be a switch hitter. I think that he’s abusing his celebrity. He won 4 rings, and he seems to be happy with that. No sulking about a early exit. No time with Mom and Dad after a long season on the road. None of that. I miss the genuine superstars, like Shawn Kemp. The guys who would try to bang broads in the club. The guys who tanked the season on purpose, just so they could go on vacation. The guys who made every ounce of their celebrity count (except for ounces that were swallowed by the aforementioned club groupies). I think Jeter should let me be in a club, with hordes of ladies. I would show them the real meaning of “five rows deep”. Maybe I’m a little jealous, but Derek, GFY!!!!

Next will be Rockies fans

I will be rooting for the Rockies in the World Series. One thing though, if you’re a true Rockies fan, the oldest you can be is 24. Here’s why…it’s 2007. The Rockies first year was 1993. A kid can’t remember much before age 10, especially in Colorado (people that live in Colorado are 1) crazy, and 2) potheads…they usually pass these traits on to their kids). So, when I go to a bar I don’t wanna hear people saying, “I used to be a Padres fan, but…” (I usually walk away right there). Don’t adopt a team that is not getting back to the World Series in the next 20 years. The only people who can switch teams they root for are Ricky Henderson (he’s a mercenary), and Alyssa Milano (she probably roots for the team of the player she last banged). That’s it! So Rockies fans, over the age of 24, can GFY!!!

Last are the NBA and David Stern

It’s almost painful to know what kind of crap we are going to sit through this year with the NBA. The league is better, but it’s such a long, drawn-out year. The playoffs are as long as the football season (it seems), and to top it off, the league is rigged. I remember when I sat and watched important playoff games, where I wondered if the game was rigged. Then the Tim Donaghy stuff happened. Okay, maybe that’s one guy; an isolated incident. But, now it’s disciplinary actions against six other officials (allegedly) for gambling. Then it’s a fucked up ball that they are trying to bring back in a different fucked up form (are they really trying to save cows…what about the heifers in the club? they ain’t trying to save them). This is a league, with young stars that have character, and the N.B.A. big wigs make the game hard to watch, not the players. David Stern…GFY!!!

So that’s it…I feel better. I’m out…

What to watch this weekend...Laredo Style...

Okay, I'm drunk. It's officially my birthday, and I'm bloggin'. I said that I was gonna post what to watch this weekend, and I'll make it short and sweet. This is what to watch:

Telemundo around midday - There are always guaratnteed thick ass bithces around this time of the day on Telemundo...I'm staying at my buddies house in S.D., and his mother-in-law speaks only Spanish. We watch Telemundo all day. Guess who walks around with a stiffy all day? Yeah...

ABC at 3:30 - Regional action includes Michiagan State at Ohio, and Mizzou at Texas Tech...CBS at 3:30; Florida at Kentucky...NBC USC at Notre Dsme...Watch Michigan State vs. Ohio. There could be an upset in that game. Texas Tech might have Bobby Knight at the game. That could mean somebody gets choked in the consession area...if that happens, then Mizzou vs TT is the game of the year. Florida at Kentucky is cool because you can feel the hate from the crowd. Everybody in attendance used the "N" word at one point in their life and they're all rooting for "N" word players (i can say that, you can't)...best matchup...Tebow is the best college football player since Reggie "Fuck My Fantasy Team Over" Bush...Speaking of USC, they're not 14th in the nation (they are closer to #1, when healthy)...they will run over ND, and make Touchdown Jesus run to Rite-Aid for some kneepads (yes, I am drunk, and I am on JDate.com...we don't believe in Touchdown Jesus)

Honorable Mention: Kansas at Colorado, 5:30 ESPM

My ex is from Kansas, but she lived in Colorado for a couple of years. I hope that this game ends up in a tie. After all the players are blown up by a "dirty bomb". Sorry.

Indians at Red Sox, Game Six, FOX 8:00

The Indians are historic choke artists. The Red Sox are historic choke artists. They should have Tim McCarver draw my dick on the screen (if he has a marker big enough), and CGI it in Jessica Alba's mouth, because netiher of these teams are playing well enough to win this series and they're gonna choke (like Jessica Alba on Laredo's Dillznick...yes, I had 6 Guinnesses and 3 car bombs). The Rockies play such textbook baseball, and they are the only team left that makes all the plays defensively. They should win the championship this year. I hope we see a game seven. It will be the most dramatic game of the baseball season this year.

Auburn at LSU, 9, EPS f'n N

The most entertaining event of the day pits 90 thousand drunk fans, and a sick team, against the best coach in college football, and a team with heart. Yes, Tommy Tubberville is the best, and his team is not an underdog in this game. They are even money, and confident. This game gets the 'Playboy Litmus Test'. I was reading the "Girls of the SEC" issue and Auburn is right there with LSU. Final minute victory for Auburn...but if I were with either (or both) girls from the Playboy issue, I would bust in 2.8 seconds...Auburn 69 1/2, LSU 69

SUNDAY,SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!

Watching, the NFL, of course. I'll address these games tomorrow. But we could have a game seven in the ALCS. If I'm coherent this weekend, I may host a show on blogtalkradio.com at 9 am...it's scheduled, but we'll see...

GO GIANTS!!!
PHUCK PHILLY!!!

Dane Cook Exposed...

Dane Cook is the most unfunny person ever. He got to act alongside Jessica Alba. He is NEVER going to be Laredo Slider's person of the week. And, what about those stupid baseball promos? Is that the person you want pitching your product? He should have done a promo for the Women's World Cup (which was the biggest waste of TV time since The Brady Bunch Reunion). At least SNL did a funny sketch about this no talent ass-clown. Check it out:

USF vs. RU pick

I had a request for a South Florida vs. Rutgers pick...USF is favored by two and a half. USF will cover (Rutgers with salad dressing and eat RU alive). By the way, USF's program has only been around for eleven years (seven years of I-A). Their admission standards are as tough as my admission standards, in a dark bar, after ten Guinnesses. And, who wouldn't want to go to a school called South Florida, even if they are in central Florida. This is the reason schools like Notre Dame will never be good again. They should change their name to The University of Notre Dame of South Florida, and change their admission standards. Final score tonight: USF 93 - RU 6.

Laredo Slider's NYC Sports Check

Sports check time!!! Just in case you thought my balls were cut off because of my last blog (who though I would be a fan of The Bachelor?), I am going to talk sports today. Just a quick rundown on what’s going on in NYC area sports. Let’s get crackin’:

1. New York Yankees

Why the Yankees are number one this week: They may somehow spurn one of the greatest managers in the game’s history (Joe Torre), the best player in the game (A-Rod), and the best closer of all-time (Mariano Rivera). Jorge Posada will also test free agency. They still have a propensity for making big moves and they gotta do something. They are the Yankees.

Laredo’s Take: Why do the Yankees always steal the headlines?!?! The big story is not what they’re going to do. I know what they’re going to do. They’re going to keep Torre, A-Rod, and Posada. Mo Rivera will get a ridiculous offer from another team, and might have to take it. But here’s the real story: Two scantily dressed girls came out of Derek Jeter’s Florida condo in the morning this week. They tried to get their car from the valet and they found out they had to pay for parking. Derek doesn’t validate supposedly, and these girls were pissed. This is what I called the Ryan Seacrest move. Have two girls dressed like hookers, leave your pad. Then it looks like you’re not a homo. If I’m the Yankee captain, these broads are walking out of my crib limping, with sore tonsils. When the newspaper asks them for the story, the only quote would be, “Burp”. You know Jeter wasn’t hitting that shit right, and I can see right through his ploy. Sorry Derek, I know you still blow cock.

2. New York Football Giants

Why the Jints are number two this week: This team looks good, but they are a little inconsistent. The running game is still there, the QB looks good, and the D is a big play D. Throw in a weak schedule, and there is no reason the Jints shouldn’t make the playoffs.

Laredo’s Take: I wonder if this season comes with Vaseline, because I know this team is gonna F me. I’m just waiting for the next big injury. Shockey is due for a season ending injury, sooner or later. Eli will start throwing INT’s like Jeter throws transvestites outta his pad. The offensive line has been good, but that’s going down the shitter, like a Shawn Merriman drug test. I can’t wait until Mets spring training.

3. Rangers, Islanders, Devils

Why the hockey teams number three: The start of the hockey season is here, and nobody cares. I’m just giving them a little exposure.

Laredo’s Take: They need to change the rules. First melt the ice, turn the rink into a pool. Get rid of the skates and give the players fins. Give the fans guns. Invite brothas. Change the name from the NHL to the ‘Shooting Fish in a Barrel League’ or the ‘CBL’ (Cracka Barrel League).

4. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number four: They play in the NFL, and that’s the best sports league in the world.

Laredo’s Take: They suck soooooooooooo bad right now. No big time players. Tough schedule. It’s not in the cards for Gang Green. They need to start the kid at QB. Pennington is a good QB when there is a good team around him, but this team sucks. They need to get ready for next year. But we could fill the Meadowlands with water and give the fans guns…

5. New Jersey Nets

Why the Nets are number five: They have a Hall of Fame point guard.

Laredo’s Take: They have a Hall of Fame point guard, who was accused of grouping a girl in a NYC nightclub, a couple of days ago. She accussed him of coming up to her a grabbing her crotch. She is obviously lying (or it was one of those no-look crotch grabs that J.K. is known for...and he's not blowing kisses to his kids before foul shots, he's smelling his fingers). Guys don’t do that. We ask for your number, and if you don’t give it to us, you’re obviously a lesbian. The only chronicled crotch grabbing incident was O.J., and the witness never showed up to back up that claim.

6. New York Knickerbockers

Why: No arrests, injuries, or lawsuits this week.

Laredo’s Take: Isaiah is laying low before he announces the signing of Bin Laden. Oh, and I love the fact that people think that we can trade for Kobe Bryant. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! We’ll give them Allan Houston, Nate Robinson, and Bin Laden. I have a feeling that if the Knicks get off to a bad start, then Isaiah will put the season into “Auto-Tank” mode.

No Mets this week, because they have no relevancy right now. The sting of the season is gone, but they officially are in the “Sports Check” doghouse. I’m out like Derek Jeter’s transvestite hookers in the morning.

Laredo's Review of the Week - The Bachelor (no homo)

I’ve been in a funk...I’m one of the most passionate fan of my teams, that I know of, and I feel that they broke my heart. I’m a real nigga, but I think I’m about to cry. Each column I give a state of my teams because it’s similar to a girl right before you know it’s gonna get bad. The Giants and Mets, are like a relationship with a girl, who you didn’t want to get a relationship with. She’s average, until the third or fourth week. She starts to really warm up to you, and, she starts turning in memorable performances. Like head when you wake up (Giants shutdown skins in the fourth quarter…Mets in first place all season), or head when you drive (Giants rack up 12 sacks in a blowout of Philly…Mets 7 game lead with 17 days left). Then you think the futures going to get better and you’re in it for the long haul. Then you see her true colors, and she goes psycho (first round loss for Giants vs. SF in ’02 when they were winning by 24…Mets collapse at the end of the season). You don’t talk to them until spring when they start to look sexier by getting her hair did, and they are tanned and toned, etc. (overpriced free agents, new rosters). The Knicks are like a girl that looks good enough to bang, but may be bordering on overweight side (I might call this the Jack Link’s Theory). They are fun, until your friends find out. Then they make fun of you. So, I’m real emotional, and I am in touch with matters of the heart, after such heartbreak. Love is important, and my sports teams prove that consistency is important thing in a relationship. On a totally different subject, there’s this TV show, The Bachelor. It has nothing to do with this thing called love. It has to do with a bunch of broads who wanna be on TV and will get f’d by some dude to do it. It’s been on for ten seasons and I haven’t seen an episode yet. Until last night.

I’m not the one to be happy to watch some guy sift through 25 girls. I’m jealous, and that’s the way I felt all along. I couldn’t handle the fact that there is one guy who gets to do that, and it’s not me! I can see it now:

TV Exec: Mr. Laredo Slider, we think you can be the next Bachelor.

L.S.: So you’re gonna let a brotha live in a house, have a rotation of drunk broads come in out, and it’s totally legal. Where do I sign?

TV Exec: Right on contestant number one’s back.

I wiki’d The Bachelor and noticed it never had a brotha on the show. I should be the first. I’m going to live vicariously through the Bachelor, Brad Womack, like I live through my favorite athletes. He seemed to be a cool guy, from a humble backround and I would probably hang out with a dude like that (no homo). He is a bar owner, and I’m sure he was thinking certain things that he didn’t want to say, to these ladies or the studio audience, in America. I wasn’t going to say them in front of the ladies I was watching with (of course there were ladies there, they put it on…do you think a “G” like me would be watching The Bachelor?) Only, I’m going to fill in the blanks for those people who didn’t know what this guy really was thinking, and wanted to say while he was speed dating these hookers.

Episode starts 10 p.m.

The intro to the new Bachelor. The narrator says, “the sexiest Bachelor ever” six times. I look behind the couch for a place to throw up. Then proceed to surf the internet for porn to offset how gay I felt (no, it wasn’t man on man porn). The girls I’m with said “He’s sooooo hot.” You know what else is hot? Laredo’s Special Hot Sauce.

10:07 – The field of sluts introduced. It’s like the Kentucky Derby. They’re in their hotel room (stable), getting ready for the big race. Some say, “I’m not going to get drunk”, which means, “two shots and I’ll blow anybody”. Some were working out in the hotel room translated to “when you take me to dinner, the dinner is going to end up in the toilet. And you’re going to wanna get yourself tested.”

10:13 – The host interviews the Bachelor. He’s a down to earth bar owner (translation- he’s tired of banging the same drunk girls that come into his bar), and he wants to meet a bown to earth girl (translation – he wants a girl who has no problem signing a pre-nup). The girls in the room say, “He’s like a guy you only hear of. They don’t exist.” Translation: “He may be gay”. I don’t think he’s gay. In matter of fact, I can’t wait for a year from today when he’s plowing through waitress at his bar again.

10:18 – The Bachelor meets the girls. Now I’m going to introduce you to the Laredo Rating System for Women:

I don’t want to compare women to dogs (women at last check don’t drink out of the toilet and catch Frisbees)…but both are amusing when they have balls in their mouth. Let’s begin:

No Balls: Would you buy a dog that can’t catch a tennis ball, I don’t think so. Would you marry a girl who won’t catch your balls, I don’t think so.

One Ball: Most non-ambitious dogs only like one tennis ball. If your wife likes one ball in her mouth, she better know some Jedi technique because she isn’t getting the job done.

Two Balls:
All the best dogs can carry at least two balls in their mouths. Same for girls. I mean, would you wanna marry a girl that had experience with more than two balls? I don’t think so.

Three Balls: Three balls means that the dog is greedy, but always wants to play. For women, it means they have no gag reflex, and not only will your balls fit, but other foreign objects within reach of the bed, too (remote control, XBOX controller, D battery). These women aren’t good to marry, but good to "F".

Let’s meet our contestants, the one’s that caught my eye (that’s not the last time I use “caught”, “eye”, and “Laredo’s Hot Sauce” in the same sentence:

Sheena, 23

If you’re into blonds who like to drink, embarrass you at a public place, only to end up throwing up at the end of the night…she’s for you! One ball.

Sarah, 23

Bar manager who hugged the Bachelor three times, in a two second span, after she got out of the limo. Most girls who hugged me three times, in a two second span, got caught in the eye by Laredo’s Hot Sauce (one). Three balls.

Jessica, 28

Has a rehearsed line when she gets out of the limo. There’s “buying signals” that guys get when they see a girl. Fake tits and fake come-on lines usually mean that the girl has low self esteem and will be a walking “cum-on” line. Three balls.

Rigina, 31

She is the token black broad. She gets two lines (and I’ll save you the suspense) then gets booted before the first episode is over. I have a problem with this. If the Bachelor was black, then the producers would have a mix of contestants that would be 55 percent black, 20 percent Latina, 20 percent white, and 5 percent PUO (people of unidentified origin) or Asian. So when the field of contestants are 95 percent white, 4 percent PUO, and 1 percent black, there is something f’d up (by the way, there is a girl from Hawaii, who isn’t even Hawaiian!!! Are they serious?!?!? She’s smoking hot, and I will be talking about her later, but they shoulda just had a white girl, in blackface, and put her on the show…It woulda generated a lot more buzz….or how ‘bout Juwanna Mann…that shit woulda been funny…they would be able to come out with Juwanna Mann 2, which shoulda happened already!!!). You know she was paid to be on the show, she shoulda said no...and called Al Sharpton.

No balls!

Juli, 24

Let’s go to the ladies for a scouting report on Juli: “She’s gross, ugh!” Let’s go to Laredo for his scouting report: “I will eat her ass out!!!” Okay, she’s not that hot. But she has two things going for her. She’s a law student, and doesn’t seem too bright (in L.A., you run into these type of people all the time…they need to be lawyers because they need to prove how good they are at school…they end up being crappy lawyers because they really don’t reason too well). So that’s kinda hot…having a lawyer wife/girlfriend who will be willing to read through the small print on my lottery tickets, and be willing to defend me at my next misdermeanor hearing. Then there is the fact she has huge tits. This is a double-edged sword (see “buying signals” above), but you know she’s shitty in bed (I would try to work in a Cleveland Steamer reference, but I don’t recommend shitting on the chest of a girl with a nice rack). She’s not gross, but she’s not marrying material, either. One ball.

Susan, 35

Susan is the oldest. Susan shook her at this guy the first time they met. Susan’s biological clock is ticking, and she knows she has to get married quick and fast. Susan had just as quick of an exit as Rigina. The only thing about Susan that I can say is good is this. The best place to get action in Anytown, USA is at a hotel bar. Why go to Vegas to bang hookers. Go to Terra Haute, Indiana and go to a Holiday Inn Bar. The drinks are cheaper, and the older broads are free! They will be blown outta the water by your proper English, and the fact you use deodorant. The only STD’s they usually have are kids, and a alcoholic ex-boyfriend, who has no problem shooting you with his granddaddy’s shotgun.

No Balls. Unless Susan was at a Terra Haute Holiday Inn bar, then Three Balls.

Jersey Girl, Age Unknown

How come all the ugly contestants, for anything, have to come from Jersey? Well, she was out just as fast as the old broad, and the black broad. She fell down the stairs in episode two, and was eliminated from contention. I believed she was pushed. Just ask yourself, “who would be the most likely to be pushed down the stairs, by producers, because she didn’t fit the demographic ABC was looking for?” Easy.

1. The Black girl
2. The Ol’ Lady
3. Foul mouthed bitch, from Jersey

The first two were gone on episode one, but the third was a problem, and ABC took her out. Anyways…No Balls

The rest of the field gets no balls, but we should review what was said about them by my female counterparts. I’ll take their quotes:

“She’s generic pretty, not ‘pretty’ pretty”

Laredo translation:

“She may look good on TV with makeup, but you wouldn’t want to see her in the morning (a.k.a. do her doggystyle in the morning, because you don’t wanna see her without makeup)

The ladies thought this one girl was “so cute” and had a “cute nose”

Laredo translation:

“Nice target!!”

The ladies described this one girl’s dress as a “high-fashioned potato sack”

Laredo translation:

“High-fashioned towel”

Oh…and there was this Greek girl who spoke in Greek to the Bachelor

Laredo translation

“My uncle owns a diner in Jersey. I like to walk around the house naked, and make a banging Gyro.” In other words, we’re F’n.

So…who were my favorites?

Jenni, 27

Jenni is a Phoenix Suns dancer. Jenni is hot. Jenni would be f’d if she were sitting here right now (that’s actually not fair, because 100% of the contestants would get f’d if they were sitting right here). She will win. She has to, because ABC’s first telecast of the NBA will be on Christmas Day, and the Phoenix Suns will be playing. At halftime, we will see a five minute piece on the Bachelor and Jenni, and how happy they are together. I will then have an expletive-laden tirade about how the NBA is fixed worse than the Bachelor. Two balls.

Mallory, Smoking Hot Hawaiian Broad, 24

At the time of me writing this, Mallory was eliminated. I know why. One, she is the first one to show off to the Bachelor by jumping in the pool in a bikini, while the other contestants were in evening gowns. Then she invited the bachelor into the Jacuzzi. She has a ridiculous body, and being from Hawaii, she’s probably a hippie, and smokes a lot of pot. If you add up the last 5 sentences, then this series should have been done in episode one. They needed a way to get 14 episodes done, and she woulda put the kibosh on that. She is a ten…I would marry her, and then I would ask her if Jenni could come by for a threesome. She would probably say “yes”, and I would blow my load right there, thus making it a lesbian twosome. I would roll up a fat blunt and live happily ever after in a polygamous lifestyle. That’s how The Bachelor would end if I were on it. And rightfully so!!

Laredo 2.0

I have been busy (playing poker and getting drunk in San Diego), which means one of two things: 1. I have no money left and am drinking second-hand Bud Light, left behind by neo-hippie beatniks 2. I'm thriving at the poker tables with my drunk-aggressive style, and inhaling Guinness like it's air. Well, I am proud to say the latter is true, and I am going to introduce a new look to Laredo Slider.

First, I am going to start using Photoshop (to break weed up on)...shit, Microsoft Paint is good enough. Every Sunday, I am going to have a Microsoft Paint gallery of the week's events, along with picks on Sunday's games. I haven't been making picks because I have been getting slaughtered, but my over/under numbers have been good.

Monday, GFY list. There is no excuse for not having a GFY list every week, because I say "Go Fuck Yourself" to about 34 people a week, on average.

Tuesday is "Wouldya Rather Day". I will take a subject from current events and put a "Laredo" twist on it, and debate it with a special guest. Like from this week, I would take a headline staight from CNN.com and ask "Wouldya rather go to Oral Roberts University, or get oral from a guy named Robert at your local university?" Hopefully we will get some celebrity guests, like Jessica Alba, to give me oral.

Wednsday is the "Laredo Review Day". I will pit two CDs against each other. Or review a TV show. Or I'll just uplink the best porn directly to LS. I will review "The Bachelor" later today.

Thursday is the "NY Sports Check". Where I rant and rave about my teams.

Friday is "Laredo's Weekend Preview". I will run down what to watch on the weekend.

Saturday will be when I unveil my person of the week. I have been the winner the last 1,021 weeks. I'm gonna retire, so it's opened up to the rest of ya'll. Right now Jessica Alba is the front runner for this week, until her lawyers call me.

Oh, and I'm launching an audio blog on Blog Talk Radio. I'm going to have audio content for my loyal listeners of funny shit, and my recorder will always be rolling. So if your in earshot of me, and say something that will bite you in the ass...you can hear it again on BlogTalkRadio.com/laredoslider.

That's It...I'm out like the shitty-ass Phillies/Cubs/Yankees/Red Sox...lol.

Catching up with Renaldo Balkman

This is a tough time for Laredo to be a sports fan, I tell ya…Mets collapse and the Giants are 2 and 2 (which isn’t so bad because we beat the shittyassEagles last Sunday, and the NFC looks as weak as the National League…shit, I shouldn’t say that). The Knicks and Rangers are the only teams I have to look forward to, and since I’m black, I’m going to hit you off with a early season prognosis of the Knicks, as training camp opens. I actually went down south with the Knicks (shit, I shouldn’t say that…after these preceedings in the Isaiah vs. The World trial), and had interviews with the Knicks on media day (so pictures will accompany the interviews, thank you very much).

So I walk into the practice facility, and I’m looking for a story that no other reporter has. I didn’t want to ask Steph questions until I made him say something stupid. I didn’t want to ask Jerome James what he ate for breakfast, because I only have a digital recorder with 100 gigs of memory. So I started with another fan favorite, Renaldo Balkman…We’re going to have a interview and profile everyday with one Knick, and we’re going to start at the end of the bench. Let’s get started with the hustlin’ rasta shotta’:

Me: So Renaldo, what is your goal for ‘08. You are a prominent member of Ballers Against Drugsunlessitusedtoknockoutabitch.

Renaldo: Me seen da po'lice take ten pounds from me man...I swear I get it back for him.

Me: Oh, so you're trying to sneak into the police station to steal the weed after they trust you. Nice. They didn't catch on?

Renaldo: Me tinks the dog was onto me...lookin at me like a chocolate bar.

Me: What are your goals for the NBA seas-

Renaldo: (interupts) Me tinks the rest of da league is a bunch of botti ridas!!! BOBOBOBO!!!!!

Me: Word…does it concern you that the Knicks drafted at your position this year? Your coming up on a contract year after ’09.

Renaldo: All I neeeed, is mah bitch, and mah weeeeeed! Dat nigga Isaiah isn’t going to be coaching anyways…I smoke to ‘dat.

Me: Did you just take out a blunt? Can I hit that? (puff, puff)

Renaldo: You need some ganja?

Me: Why the fuck are you speakin’ Jamican, nigga? You from South Carolina!!

Renaldo: Just smoke da weeed, niggaaah!

Me: Let’s go to KFC.

Renaldo: Word, BOBOBOBO!!!

GFY List...Monday Morning QB on Wednsday...Week of September 30th (a day that will live in infamy)

Last week, I was in a good mood. I was like, "a GFY list would be funny." I was happy with where the Mets were, the Giants' D did a complete about face, and I was back on the east coast...so I was happy as a clam (Jessica Alba's clam). I took a shot at Philly because I thought that they were going to fall short once again, and JDate was looking promising (after my fourth registration).

This week, I'm in a shitty mood. I think a GFY list this week will help me let off some steam. The Mets are home (and they didn't deserve to be playing this week), the Giants are good (but as soon as I finish this sentence, they will shit the bed), and I'm back in L.A...so I am as pissy as a clam (Rosie O'Donnell's clam on her period...sorry, but I'm pissed and spiting out nothing but venom, today...just like, you know what). I just want to get into this list. First up is Anucha Brown-Sanders (ladies, Laredo does love you, unless you stand in the way of one of my franchise gettin' a ring).

#1 - Anucha Brown-Sanders, Isaiah Thomas, Madison Square Garden

For those who don't know, Anucha sued Madison Square Garden and Isaiah Thomas for sexual harassment, and she won. Yes, there was plenty of evidence to suggest that MSG and Zeke were guilty. Pretty cut and dried, right? Isaiah should lose his job, right? Garden boss James Dolan is known for making pretty sensible decisions, right? No, on all counts!

A. Anucha Browne-Sanders proved her case. She supposedly wasn't qualified for the job, and she caused problems at work. If I'm the defense, I would say, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, bitches cause problems at work", the jury would agree and every one would go home happy. Does anybody doubt that she caused problems at work? NO!!!!

B. Isaiah - He admitted to trying to kiss (and inappropriately hug) Mrs. Browne-Sanders. He also said that he uses the word "bitch", but would never use "black bitch" towards the plaintiff. He also said he has a problem with white guys using the word "bitch" towards black women. Let's not give him a medal, yet, because he used his "I'm going to sexually harass this girl at work" card on a sasquatch (all guys play this card as much as possible until they get caught, we just don't know it). Why her?!? She's about 8'2", and not exactly a spring chicken. She must have come to work with dynamite coming out of her pussy. What did Isaiah see in her? She looks a little like Patrick Ewing with a wig. He shoulda tried f'n a Knicks City Dancer. If I'm the defense, I would say, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you think that Isaiah would try to F a sasquatch? This isn't a Jack Link's Jerky commercial, and I don't think so." The jury would agree and everyone would go home happy. Does anybody think she is not a sasquatch? NO!!!!!

C. Madison Square Garden - The ticket prices are too high, and the guy who runs the Garden is an idiot. James Dolan shoulda bought her out (he does that with players every year). And he isn't going to fire Isaiah (yet). He is going to have to, this case proves everything is upside down at the Garden. When the Knicks play, they are going to have women groups protesting, and Marbury is going to try and fuck them all (which will open up another can of crabs).

Bottom Line - There will probably be one Knick that gets killed at a club this year, and another who gets arrested (20 to 1 on a Knick getting shot...7 to 2 on an arrest...2 to 1 the arrested Knick is the one who fired the shots). We don't need a distraction like this trial, right now...especially when other shit starts hitting the fan.

#2 - Cops

What are going to happen to Mike Vick's pits? Read 'dis (thepoint.com) :

The 48 remaining dogs “appear to have some potential for possible placement with specific conditions,” according to Rosenberg’s motion. The prosecutors plan to ask Hudson to appoint a guardian to oversee the disposition and placement of the rest of the dogs.

Some of the dogs might be used to fight crime one day. A future in law enforcement was among the four categories of placement considered for each dog, according to the motion, made by Rosenberg’s office.

Oh, so Mike trained the dogs for you?! Let's call him Lt. Ron Mexico. Let him go!!! He just donated 48 dogs to fighting crime, and that was his plan all along. The cops are planning to use pits?!?! Hell no!!! I don't want to be running and have a pit clamp on to me, because I was pulled over for D.W.B. (driving while black...or dickin' white bitches). Puhleeeze...I think #7 will be taking snaps in the NFL (especially after Mr. Goodell reads this explanation). Then...

Last week in Newport Beach, CA, Dennis Rodman was charged formally with touching a woman in an intimate place. He was at a bar, and had a innuendo filled conversation with a girl (supposedly she asked to see his dick and he pulled it out, seriously). He then slapped her ass. Whatdaflidduck?! There should be two crimes. Rodman should be charged for taking his dick out. He should also be charged with taking his dick out, and not getting as little as a tug-job. The cops f'd it up. You can't charge somebody with "slapping an intimate body part" if it's her ass (unless she's a porno star that specializes in anal...which includes shooting medicine balls through her ass...i can't be the only one who saw that one). I was like, "damn, this niggas hard, slapping bitches' tities." Nope, it was her ass. I can't believe the cops are persuing this.

#3 - The Mets (except Scott Schoenweis) - I don't need to write any more about the Mets, except this. Scott Schoenweis had the right idea...use steroids. As a fan, it obvious that the Mets don't care about me, so they should use steroids, because I don't care about them. Here's to hoping Joes Reyes comes to spring training with "30 lbs. more of muscle" a.k.a. roided up.

I'm out like Rodman's dick at a family restaurant.