Laredo's Review of the Week - The Bachelor (no homo)

I’ve been in a funk...I’m one of the most passionate fan of my teams, that I know of, and I feel that they broke my heart. I’m a real nigga, but I think I’m about to cry. Each column I give a state of my teams because it’s similar to a girl right before you know it’s gonna get bad. The Giants and Mets, are like a relationship with a girl, who you didn’t want to get a relationship with. She’s average, until the third or fourth week. She starts to really warm up to you, and, she starts turning in memorable performances. Like head when you wake up (Giants shutdown skins in the fourth quarter…Mets in first place all season), or head when you drive (Giants rack up 12 sacks in a blowout of Philly…Mets 7 game lead with 17 days left). Then you think the futures going to get better and you’re in it for the long haul. Then you see her true colors, and she goes psycho (first round loss for Giants vs. SF in ’02 when they were winning by 24…Mets collapse at the end of the season). You don’t talk to them until spring when they start to look sexier by getting her hair did, and they are tanned and toned, etc. (overpriced free agents, new rosters). The Knicks are like a girl that looks good enough to bang, but may be bordering on overweight side (I might call this the Jack Link’s Theory). They are fun, until your friends find out. Then they make fun of you. So, I’m real emotional, and I am in touch with matters of the heart, after such heartbreak. Love is important, and my sports teams prove that consistency is important thing in a relationship. On a totally different subject, there’s this TV show, The Bachelor. It has nothing to do with this thing called love. It has to do with a bunch of broads who wanna be on TV and will get f’d by some dude to do it. It’s been on for ten seasons and I haven’t seen an episode yet. Until last night.

I’m not the one to be happy to watch some guy sift through 25 girls. I’m jealous, and that’s the way I felt all along. I couldn’t handle the fact that there is one guy who gets to do that, and it’s not me! I can see it now:

TV Exec: Mr. Laredo Slider, we think you can be the next Bachelor.

L.S.: So you’re gonna let a brotha live in a house, have a rotation of drunk broads come in out, and it’s totally legal. Where do I sign?

TV Exec: Right on contestant number one’s back.

I wiki’d The Bachelor and noticed it never had a brotha on the show. I should be the first. I’m going to live vicariously through the Bachelor, Brad Womack, like I live through my favorite athletes. He seemed to be a cool guy, from a humble backround and I would probably hang out with a dude like that (no homo). He is a bar owner, and I’m sure he was thinking certain things that he didn’t want to say, to these ladies or the studio audience, in America. I wasn’t going to say them in front of the ladies I was watching with (of course there were ladies there, they put it on…do you think a “G” like me would be watching The Bachelor?) Only, I’m going to fill in the blanks for those people who didn’t know what this guy really was thinking, and wanted to say while he was speed dating these hookers.

Episode starts 10 p.m.

The intro to the new Bachelor. The narrator says, “the sexiest Bachelor ever” six times. I look behind the couch for a place to throw up. Then proceed to surf the internet for porn to offset how gay I felt (no, it wasn’t man on man porn). The girls I’m with said “He’s sooooo hot.” You know what else is hot? Laredo’s Special Hot Sauce.

10:07 – The field of sluts introduced. It’s like the Kentucky Derby. They’re in their hotel room (stable), getting ready for the big race. Some say, “I’m not going to get drunk”, which means, “two shots and I’ll blow anybody”. Some were working out in the hotel room translated to “when you take me to dinner, the dinner is going to end up in the toilet. And you’re going to wanna get yourself tested.”

10:13 – The host interviews the Bachelor. He’s a down to earth bar owner (translation- he’s tired of banging the same drunk girls that come into his bar), and he wants to meet a bown to earth girl (translation – he wants a girl who has no problem signing a pre-nup). The girls in the room say, “He’s like a guy you only hear of. They don’t exist.” Translation: “He may be gay”. I don’t think he’s gay. In matter of fact, I can’t wait for a year from today when he’s plowing through waitress at his bar again.

10:18 – The Bachelor meets the girls. Now I’m going to introduce you to the Laredo Rating System for Women:

I don’t want to compare women to dogs (women at last check don’t drink out of the toilet and catch Frisbees)…but both are amusing when they have balls in their mouth. Let’s begin:

No Balls: Would you buy a dog that can’t catch a tennis ball, I don’t think so. Would you marry a girl who won’t catch your balls, I don’t think so.

One Ball: Most non-ambitious dogs only like one tennis ball. If your wife likes one ball in her mouth, she better know some Jedi technique because she isn’t getting the job done.

Two Balls:
All the best dogs can carry at least two balls in their mouths. Same for girls. I mean, would you wanna marry a girl that had experience with more than two balls? I don’t think so.

Three Balls: Three balls means that the dog is greedy, but always wants to play. For women, it means they have no gag reflex, and not only will your balls fit, but other foreign objects within reach of the bed, too (remote control, XBOX controller, D battery). These women aren’t good to marry, but good to "F".

Let’s meet our contestants, the one’s that caught my eye (that’s not the last time I use “caught”, “eye”, and “Laredo’s Hot Sauce” in the same sentence:

Sheena, 23

If you’re into blonds who like to drink, embarrass you at a public place, only to end up throwing up at the end of the night…she’s for you! One ball.

Sarah, 23

Bar manager who hugged the Bachelor three times, in a two second span, after she got out of the limo. Most girls who hugged me three times, in a two second span, got caught in the eye by Laredo’s Hot Sauce (one). Three balls.

Jessica, 28

Has a rehearsed line when she gets out of the limo. There’s “buying signals” that guys get when they see a girl. Fake tits and fake come-on lines usually mean that the girl has low self esteem and will be a walking “cum-on” line. Three balls.

Rigina, 31

She is the token black broad. She gets two lines (and I’ll save you the suspense) then gets booted before the first episode is over. I have a problem with this. If the Bachelor was black, then the producers would have a mix of contestants that would be 55 percent black, 20 percent Latina, 20 percent white, and 5 percent PUO (people of unidentified origin) or Asian. So when the field of contestants are 95 percent white, 4 percent PUO, and 1 percent black, there is something f’d up (by the way, there is a girl from Hawaii, who isn’t even Hawaiian!!! Are they serious?!?!? She’s smoking hot, and I will be talking about her later, but they shoulda just had a white girl, in blackface, and put her on the show…It woulda generated a lot more buzz….or how ‘bout Juwanna Mann…that shit woulda been funny…they would be able to come out with Juwanna Mann 2, which shoulda happened already!!!). You know she was paid to be on the show, she shoulda said no...and called Al Sharpton.

No balls!

Juli, 24

Let’s go to the ladies for a scouting report on Juli: “She’s gross, ugh!” Let’s go to Laredo for his scouting report: “I will eat her ass out!!!” Okay, she’s not that hot. But she has two things going for her. She’s a law student, and doesn’t seem too bright (in L.A., you run into these type of people all the time…they need to be lawyers because they need to prove how good they are at school…they end up being crappy lawyers because they really don’t reason too well). So that’s kinda hot…having a lawyer wife/girlfriend who will be willing to read through the small print on my lottery tickets, and be willing to defend me at my next misdermeanor hearing. Then there is the fact she has huge tits. This is a double-edged sword (see “buying signals” above), but you know she’s shitty in bed (I would try to work in a Cleveland Steamer reference, but I don’t recommend shitting on the chest of a girl with a nice rack). She’s not gross, but she’s not marrying material, either. One ball.

Susan, 35

Susan is the oldest. Susan shook her at this guy the first time they met. Susan’s biological clock is ticking, and she knows she has to get married quick and fast. Susan had just as quick of an exit as Rigina. The only thing about Susan that I can say is good is this. The best place to get action in Anytown, USA is at a hotel bar. Why go to Vegas to bang hookers. Go to Terra Haute, Indiana and go to a Holiday Inn Bar. The drinks are cheaper, and the older broads are free! They will be blown outta the water by your proper English, and the fact you use deodorant. The only STD’s they usually have are kids, and a alcoholic ex-boyfriend, who has no problem shooting you with his granddaddy’s shotgun.

No Balls. Unless Susan was at a Terra Haute Holiday Inn bar, then Three Balls.

Jersey Girl, Age Unknown

How come all the ugly contestants, for anything, have to come from Jersey? Well, she was out just as fast as the old broad, and the black broad. She fell down the stairs in episode two, and was eliminated from contention. I believed she was pushed. Just ask yourself, “who would be the most likely to be pushed down the stairs, by producers, because she didn’t fit the demographic ABC was looking for?” Easy.

1. The Black girl
2. The Ol’ Lady
3. Foul mouthed bitch, from Jersey

The first two were gone on episode one, but the third was a problem, and ABC took her out. Anyways…No Balls

The rest of the field gets no balls, but we should review what was said about them by my female counterparts. I’ll take their quotes:

“She’s generic pretty, not ‘pretty’ pretty”

Laredo translation:

“She may look good on TV with makeup, but you wouldn’t want to see her in the morning (a.k.a. do her doggystyle in the morning, because you don’t wanna see her without makeup)

The ladies thought this one girl was “so cute” and had a “cute nose”

Laredo translation:

“Nice target!!”

The ladies described this one girl’s dress as a “high-fashioned potato sack”

Laredo translation:

“High-fashioned towel”

Oh…and there was this Greek girl who spoke in Greek to the Bachelor

Laredo translation

“My uncle owns a diner in Jersey. I like to walk around the house naked, and make a banging Gyro.” In other words, we’re F’n.

So…who were my favorites?

Jenni, 27

Jenni is a Phoenix Suns dancer. Jenni is hot. Jenni would be f’d if she were sitting here right now (that’s actually not fair, because 100% of the contestants would get f’d if they were sitting right here). She will win. She has to, because ABC’s first telecast of the NBA will be on Christmas Day, and the Phoenix Suns will be playing. At halftime, we will see a five minute piece on the Bachelor and Jenni, and how happy they are together. I will then have an expletive-laden tirade about how the NBA is fixed worse than the Bachelor. Two balls.

Mallory, Smoking Hot Hawaiian Broad, 24

At the time of me writing this, Mallory was eliminated. I know why. One, she is the first one to show off to the Bachelor by jumping in the pool in a bikini, while the other contestants were in evening gowns. Then she invited the bachelor into the Jacuzzi. She has a ridiculous body, and being from Hawaii, she’s probably a hippie, and smokes a lot of pot. If you add up the last 5 sentences, then this series should have been done in episode one. They needed a way to get 14 episodes done, and she woulda put the kibosh on that. She is a ten…I would marry her, and then I would ask her if Jenni could come by for a threesome. She would probably say “yes”, and I would blow my load right there, thus making it a lesbian twosome. I would roll up a fat blunt and live happily ever after in a polygamous lifestyle. That’s how The Bachelor would end if I were on it. And rightfully so!!