Mayweather vs. Hatton I

Mayweather and Hatton face off tonight in one of the so-called “fights of the century”. The last “fight of the century” was the May 5^th match up between Mayweather and De La Hoya. I hate using the tag “fight of the century” because they don’t have the sexy (no homo), heavyweight match ups that boxing was built on. These bouts usually had one guy (or both guys) hitting the canvas, and these guys were bigger than life. Foreman, Ali, Frazier, Tyson, Marciano, Lewis (the Brown Bomber, not Lennox “I look like Predator, but sound like a fag” Lewis), and Holyfield were the only fighters that could create a fight of the century because they were the best athletes. Now the best athletes play football, baseball, and basketball for fear of not getting their face turned into mush. So what is the appeal between a couple of welterweight fighters going for the crown? One (1) Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a hip-hop generation, loud-mouthed, dominant, Negro fighter, so the hood, and streets, are going to back up Junior. Two (2), Ricky Hatton is the great white hype, just a lot better, so everybody else is going to back up Ricky. So it’s like black versus white (the blacks lost the last fight…Milton “Jeff Kent don’t understand black people” Bradley vs. Jeff “anybody can be a nigger, you don’t have to be black” Kent in the Dodgers dugout in ’05). I won’t bore anybody with my prediction (PBF in a unanimous decision 8-4), but I will analyze what it means for a person to be rooting for either fighter when you go to your fight parties/bars tonight.

If you see an Asian woman rooting for Hatton: She is a traditional Asian…she likes guys who are humble, but confident. Maybe the only non-Asian she can take home to daddy.

If you see an Asian woman rooting for PBF: She’s into materialistic things, and she wants “chocolate” (black dick).

If you see an Asian guy watching this fight: You won’t…UFC’s Ultimate Fighter finale is on tonight, and they’ll be watching that.

If you see a Jew rooting for…who am I kidding, this shit’s on Pay Per View…

If you see a Latina rooting for PBF: She likes “chocolate”, and hates white people but…

If you see any other wetba…I mean, person of Latin descent rooting for PBF: they want to be black. Floyd is one of the most hated people amongst Latinos. Actually, here is the list of people Latinos hate the most:

1. George Bush

2. Floyd Mayweather Jr.

3. People who don’t buy oranges on street corners

4. Federali

5. All other white people

After the Cinco De Mayo fight, Mexicans would come up to me and the following conversation would ensue:

Pablo: You know Oscar won.

Me: No he didn’t. You can take my plate now, that was a big burrito…I can’t finish the rest.

If you see a white guy rooting for PBF: Maybe one white guy in the world will root for Junior. He know what’s up. They probably have a diversified portfolio, and a Porsche outside. They will drive the Porsche to their side piece’s house after the fight, fuck her, then go home to his wife and two kids. After sleeping till noon (because of all the coke he did the night before), he will roll out of bed and watch football, and laugh to himself that blacks are superior athletes, and how sweet they look on HD.

If you see a white guy rooting for Hatton: I don’t have to explain this. Once most white guys see another white guy boxing, he automatically roots for the white guy, but they are afraid to admit it. PBF is the best pound for pound fighter in the world, and a prohibitive favorite. But the white guy will tell you things like, “Hatton is going to win…I just think he’s going to win, just because”, or, “Floyd sucks, dude!!” (I love that one).

Oh yeah, (time for a Public Service Announcement) ALL BLACK PEOPLE WILL BE ROOTING FOR FLOYD! If Floyd loses, don’t go to the club tonight, YOU WILL GET STABBED. If Floyd wins, WE MAKE IT RAIN, GO TO THE CLUB! There are safety in numbers, white people…if you go to a party, make sure that you have enough white people there just in case Hatton wins, and there is a post-fight riot. In the case of a post fight riot, make sure there are enough white people to take an ass-whoopin’ , and call 9-1-1.

If you see a white girl rooting for Hatton: Sort of the same thing as a white dude. Some ladies might clutch their purse 80 times during the fight. The funny part will be when they interview Floyd Sr.’s stuttering, black ass. The girl will leave the room, and cross the street for safety.

If you see a white girl rooting for PBF: Shoot! Don’t hesitate. This girl has a very good chance of being morally casual, and she is a fan of “chocolate”.

If you see a girl rooting for PBF, and her boyfriend is rooting for Hatton: Shoot! She’s screaming for some black dick, and her boyfriend isn’t delivering. If you’re black, shoot some lines at her; they’ll probably work. If you’re white, you need to brush up on your Ebonics…and, buy some of that infomercial shit to make your dick half as long as mine. If you’re a Latino, please take my plate…