An Ode to Grossman

The Bears died this weekend (no, Michael Vick didn't escape jail and flee to Canada, where he started a bear fighting ring, only to kill bears who didn't win...then Vick ironically entered the Iditerod where he started the race with 8 dogs, only to finish with 2 really pissed off dogs). The Chicago Bears pretty much ended their one year run of being relevant. And it may be the end of the road for the "Sex Cannon" Rex Grossman. I don't really care about the Bears, but I like to see them lose. And I like to hear the misery of their fans. So here is The Double B's state of the Bears report after the loss to the shitty-ass Redskins:

An Ode to Grossman

With Thursday’s devastating loss to the Redskins, the Bears find themselves without Rex Grossman and without a playoff birth. As a Bears fan I’m not surprised we missed the playoffs. Last year’s schedule was easier than taking home the drunk, fat, horny girl and enticing her with pizza and ribs back at your pad. However, it’s the end of era in Chicago. This is Rex’s contract year, and the Bears would have to be stupider than Ron Turner calling a run up the gut on third and ten, than to resign Grossman (yes, Ron Turner is about as entertaining as Jessica Alba’s acting, just take it off already). Like most of Chicago I’m not sad to see him go. Unlike Mark Prior (I hope you die), I wish you well, Grossman. You’re Jewish (huge plus), you party with groupie hoes from the western suburbs (call me next time), and you like showing off that sexy arm by chucking it downfield when you know Berrien is overrated.

Grossman took a lot of heat as the main man, most of it deserved. However, I did enjoy wondering which Rex would show up. I always based my prediction on how hard he wanted to go out drinking the night before with neck beard (that’s Kyle Orton, and no I don’t want him running our limp dick O). What quarterback, week after week, offers the excitement as Grossman? Will he throw for 345 yards? Will he make Mohammed not look like a washed up piece of shit? Or will he get sacked twice in the 1^st quarter, get frustrated and say, “fuck it I’m throwing it deep.” How does a team replace that? And I have an answer, Donovan McFuckingNabb.

It’s obvious the Bears are great at signing washed up shitty quarterbacks. We are even better at drafting shittier quarterbacks and running backs. Why not sign McNabb and put him behind an O-line that can’t block? Let McNabb show how old and beat up he with a sub-par receiving core and no running game. And, if that doesn’t work out, Grossman will be a free agent in two years (he’ll get the same offer Joey Harrington got). I tip my hat to Grossman as he walks out the door. Best of luck with your new team, but you’ll probably get injured in the pre-season and be out of the league next year anyway. Sexy Rexy will be missed, but missed in the way that I miss my yearly prostate exam.

Thanks, Bruce, but the Bears are a joke of a team. No, seriously...A black guy (Hester), a Jewish guy (Rex Grossman), a white supremacist (Brian Urlacher), and a Muslim (Mushin Mohammed Al-Zarqlrgjqerogieqrgi) walk into a stadium, trying to win a football game, when the black guy says, "I'm really good at football, but I don't have a position...I do run like I stole something, though." The Jewish guy says, "I was good at football in college, but my judgment is as good as Lance Briggs at 1:58 am, right after he gets his keys from the valet." The Muslim says, "are you really Jewish? only because you suicide bombed our team this year, as if you're going to bang 40 virgins in heaven." They lose the game and the white supremacist threatens to kill them all, until the black guy nervously says, "Let's get the Jewish guy outta here. I know this guy who can play, and he's Irish". The white supremacist agrees, and spares them all...until he sees the Irish guy is black (Donovan McFuckinNabb)!!!! LOLOLLOLLOLOLLOLOL...good luck next decade, Chicago.