Meet your new stepfather...Laredo Slider

So Jamie Lynn Spears gets pregnant, and it causes the American public to reevaluate their morals. "What will I tell my kids?", or, "can I let my kids watch her show?" Here, at Laredo Slider, we concentrate on more important questions. And, we deal with what's going to happen in the future (it's not good to dwell in the past, and what mistakes this young lady made). So I must ask the question, "In 2026, is there going to be a hotter mother/daughter combo than Jamie Lynn Spears, and her daughter?" (assuming she will have a girl). I'm not saying that some guy should marry Jamie Lynn in a few years, help raise her daughter, then bang the daughter. That's sick. I also must remind my readers that stepdaughters ARE NOT BLOOD RELATIVES. There has to be a middle ground on how to exploi...i mean...give this young family the love they need. The first scenario would have to be tweeked a bit, and it would make sense. Marry Jamie Lynn in 17 and a half years (there is a 75 percent chance she will still be single...source: my dick), and then give her daughter the high, hard one (there is no doubt that this girl will walk in same footsteps of her mother and aunt). Then divorce Jamie Lynn, and skate with half her money and her daughter (because that's the lifestyle that you're used to). Then, shoot a reality series. Repeat as necessary.

So what's the real lesson? Do not have a daughter because this is exactly what happens when you procreate after drinking brown liquor, eating too many pork sandwiches, and watching too much NASCAR. Then find yourself in situations like the Spears' and this poor father in the video:

Will the REAL T.O. please stand up? Thank You...

In a story just posted by the AP an hour ago, T.O. is talking shit to Jessica Simpson:

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite -- in this locker room or in Texas Stadium."

"With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away," Owens said, echoing the chatter on sports-talk radio and blogs. "Other than that, she was high on my list until last week. "Oh, I got a message for her when we make the playoffs. Just stay tuned," he added.

Knowing T.O. there are only five things that can come out of this:

1. T.O. punches Tony Romo when he throws 4 int’s in a playoff game.

2. T.O. punches Jessica Simpon when Tony Romo throws 4 int’s in a playoff game.

3. Authorities find T.O.'s list. It's called "White Bitches that May Fuckup My Season". Wade Philips is one, Donovan McNabb is two, Jeff Garcia three, Tony Romo four, and Jessica Simpson five.

4. T.O. decides that if Jessica Simpson hangs around Texas Stadium, she has to "hook up" the whole team.

5. Two words: Rape Kit

So, T.O. is having a great year, and his team is 12-2...why can't he be happy? Because Tony Romo is taking his “shine”. How is T.O. going to get commercials, and shit, when Jessica Simpson is getting more publicity and air time, during the football game? I think the “tear the team apart” T.O. is right around the corner. As a Giants fan, I can’t wait.

Laredo Slizzie: The "it" athlete of 2007

I don’t know what happened to SportCenter. It seems that they have gone completely away from the true highlights that make sports special, in lieu of stupid fake contests that they make up. Or, they blow things out of proportion regarding relationships between different athletes and celebrities (like, did Tony Romo have a bad game, last weekend, because Jessica Simpson was in attendance? One, I don’t care. Two, I hope Romo gets his legs broken). Then there is this other shit that ESPN loves to do: Who’s Next? Who is the next “it” athlete? WHODAFUCKCARES!?!?! I can make it easy, and I’ll tell ya who Laredo Slider’s “it” athlete of the year is. So here is the second Slizzie presentation of the year. Laredo Slider’s “IT” Slizzie of ’07!

When I am looking for the “it” athlete, the parameters are totally different than what ESPN is looking for. Off the field performance counts as much as on the field performance. Here are the nominees:

Roger Clemens: Has successfully taken the attention of off Barry Bonds by getting named in the Mitchell Report.

“IT” Factor: Is on “it”, but won’t admit “it”. Pros: Had a funny cell phone commercial. Stole money from the Yankees. Cons: Bombed my fantasy team.

Adam “Pacman” Jones: A contender in all Slizzie categories. A constant entertainer, who never disappoints the American public. He gets suspended from the NFL (which was entertaining), then starts wrestling with TNA wrestling (which is entertaining).

“IT” Factor: Makes”It” Rain Pros: Known to cause twenty dollar bills to come from the ceiling (for visual effect), at the strip club. Cons: Causes people to get shot. “It” could be you!

Stephon Marbury: A prodigal son of Laredo Slider. I wear his gear, and I am a huge Knicks fan.

“IT” Factor: Went to a strip club with a Knicks intern. Took her out to his SUV, and hit “it”. Also, gave many fucked up interviews, making people wonder if he’s on drugs. Pros: Fifteen dollar sneakers. Cons: Fifteen dollar point guard play.

Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova: Gulbis is kinda hot, Sharapova is hot (but 6’1”, which is a good thing…for me…cuz my dick is like 8’11”), and Kournikova could possibly be the hottest there is (now that Alba is pregnant…what a bitch…what’s more important, Jessica? Being a mother, or being a hot piece of ass?) . The important thing is that these three ladies play (or used to play) a sport. What sports? I don’t know.

“IT” Factor: Googleable pics that are real. Googleable pics that just have their heads photoshopped onto naked bodies. Either way, I win. Pros: They’re all foreign…don’t understand terms like “Dirty Sanchez” or “Cleveland Steamer”, until it happens to them. Cons: None.

Tennis star Anna Kournikova posing for a magazine on top. Shot of her seeing how wet she is after reading this column, bottom.


Golfer Natalie Gulbis...right before I take my driver out, drive my balls through the rough, and put "it" in the hole

Tennis star Maria Sharapova posing for S.I. on the bottom...on the top, doing a stretch that makes me wish I had photoshop. What stretch is that, anyways? I've seen girls leave my apartment doing that stretch, but it never helps their limp.

And the Winner is: Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova

Nobody should be surprised. The last time I nominated three broads for one award, they won. I hope females recognize Laredo Slider is a female friendly site, where I respect the strides made by women in the world (and I give awards for it). I understand that it takes at least three women to defeat men in anything (other than math, sports, driving, voting, science, and being president, where men own. And, women, don’t say, “Hey, you’re black and haven’t always been able to vote.” That’s a bad argument. I vote every year. Bron, Kobe, T-Mac, K.G., and B. Deeeezie, bitch!! Every year my vote gets them to the all-star game.) Okay, so this website isn’t exactly “female friendly”, but if you ladies decide stop working so hard and start showing some skin, and work out, and unlearn English, you can win a Slizzie.

"It" Athlete of 2007

The 1st Annual Slizzies

It's nearing the end of the year, and I am handing out awards to the people, things, animals, women, etc. that have made 2007 a special year. I don't want to put it in one article because I know people who read this website have the attention span of me during high school girls volleyball practice, and I can't make the article too long (just kidding, I really mean womens' college volleyball...they don't let me in school zones anymore). Basically I'm going to run down different categories until the final category, which will be "Laredo Slider's Person of the Year".

What is a Slizzie ? It can be two things. It's the trophy I hand out to people who win each category, or it's a slang term for stuff dripping down a girls' back, chest, face, etc. after "making love". Either way, people should be honored to get it (or gettin' it on her). This is an important award, and like the Oscars, Grammy's, etc., I need to create a trophy that is legendary. So, I decided to take the things I liked and put it into one trophy. Hennessey, weed, blunts (Dutchmasters), chicken and hot sauce (Red Rooster), automatic weapons (AR-15), white ho's (Jessica Alba), and a sick crossover. That's all I need in life, and when I hand out the trophy, I want the recipients to feel that this is the only trophy they need in life (even though nobody has a nastier crossover than me). Here it is:

On to the first catagory:

Most Gangsta Operation of the Year

Nominees:

Madison Square Garden - Sexually harassing employees (and nobody gets fired), banging interns

Bad Newz Kennels/Michael Vick - Dogfighting

Pacman Jones - "Making it Rain" in the strip club, triple shooting ensues, Pacman gets 100 hours communtiy service

O.J. Simpson - Stealing back shit that he sold to somebody years back.

Barry Bonds - Breaks Home Run record, on steroids

Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears - Drugs, Alcohol, going the wrong way down highways, getting kids taken away, AND STILL STACKIN' PAPER!!!!

Winner:
Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears
Pacman, Barry, and O.J. were close in the voting, but the they got zeros in the "white ho's that I would fuck" catagory (and I'm sure they would understand). Madison Square Garden had to pay 11 million dollars to some ugly bitch (who NONE of them got pregnant), and the Knicks still suck. Mike Vick is going to spend the next couple of years beating off to National Geographic, in jail (he also lost about 145 million). Bonds was close because people would rather go to jail, than snitch on him, and he hasn't lost money due to his transgressions. Pacman didn't get to play football this year, even though he did "make it rain" in the club. He is real close because "making it rain" is one of the values that I want in Slizzie recipients. And O.J. is going to jail, but he did use overwelming force in stealing his shit back, which is another value that I want in Slizzie recipients. What it comes down to is the four Hollywood broads are sooooooo much more gangsta than any of them. The only people who are getting turned off by these broads are other broads! Broads like other broads like Nicole Kidman, "because she's so classy, and she's a great actress, blah, blah, blah". FUCK DAT!!! I don't like pale bitches who are classy. I like young white ho's, who like to party, and fuck, and drive fast cars, drunk at night down the wrong way of the I-5!!!!! AND THEY STILL STACK CHEDDA!!! The reason that they still get attention is because dudes like them! The only one that is remotely hot is Lohan, but whodatfuck cares?!?! I would marry Brittney Spears right now, and take care of her kids...check that...I would marry Brittney Spears right now and let the kids run around the house sticking their fingers in outlets...while I smoke weed on the couch playing XBOX 360, and spend dat bitches money!!! So, ho's, this Slizzie is for you!

Most Gangsta Operation '07

Laredo's Picture of the Day

"Freeze!! This is a stickup, nigga! Fifty dollars on the premises, my ass! And turn the deep fryer back on!!"

Kevin Weekes, New Jersey Devils

An Ode to Grossman

The Bears died this weekend (no, Michael Vick didn't escape jail and flee to Canada, where he started a bear fighting ring, only to kill bears who didn't win...then Vick ironically entered the Iditerod where he started the race with 8 dogs, only to finish with 2 really pissed off dogs). The Chicago Bears pretty much ended their one year run of being relevant. And it may be the end of the road for the "Sex Cannon" Rex Grossman. I don't really care about the Bears, but I like to see them lose. And I like to hear the misery of their fans. So here is The Double B's state of the Bears report after the loss to the shitty-ass Redskins:

An Ode to Grossman

With Thursday’s devastating loss to the Redskins, the Bears find themselves without Rex Grossman and without a playoff birth. As a Bears fan I’m not surprised we missed the playoffs. Last year’s schedule was easier than taking home the drunk, fat, horny girl and enticing her with pizza and ribs back at your pad. However, it’s the end of era in Chicago. This is Rex’s contract year, and the Bears would have to be stupider than Ron Turner calling a run up the gut on third and ten, than to resign Grossman (yes, Ron Turner is about as entertaining as Jessica Alba’s acting, just take it off already). Like most of Chicago I’m not sad to see him go. Unlike Mark Prior (I hope you die), I wish you well, Grossman. You’re Jewish (huge plus), you party with groupie hoes from the western suburbs (call me next time), and you like showing off that sexy arm by chucking it downfield when you know Berrien is overrated.

Grossman took a lot of heat as the main man, most of it deserved. However, I did enjoy wondering which Rex would show up. I always based my prediction on how hard he wanted to go out drinking the night before with neck beard (that’s Kyle Orton, and no I don’t want him running our limp dick O). What quarterback, week after week, offers the excitement as Grossman? Will he throw for 345 yards? Will he make Mohammed not look like a washed up piece of shit? Or will he get sacked twice in the 1^st quarter, get frustrated and say, “fuck it I’m throwing it deep.” How does a team replace that? And I have an answer, Donovan McFuckingNabb.

It’s obvious the Bears are great at signing washed up shitty quarterbacks. We are even better at drafting shittier quarterbacks and running backs. Why not sign McNabb and put him behind an O-line that can’t block? Let McNabb show how old and beat up he with a sub-par receiving core and no running game. And, if that doesn’t work out, Grossman will be a free agent in two years (he’ll get the same offer Joey Harrington got). I tip my hat to Grossman as he walks out the door. Best of luck with your new team, but you’ll probably get injured in the pre-season and be out of the league next year anyway. Sexy Rexy will be missed, but missed in the way that I miss my yearly prostate exam.

Thanks, Bruce, but the Bears are a joke of a team. No, seriously...A black guy (Hester), a Jewish guy (Rex Grossman), a white supremacist (Brian Urlacher), and a Muslim (Mushin Mohammed Al-Zarqlrgjqerogieqrgi) walk into a stadium, trying to win a football game, when the black guy says, "I'm really good at football, but I don't have a position...I do run like I stole something, though." The Jewish guy says, "I was good at football in college, but my judgment is as good as Lance Briggs at 1:58 am, right after he gets his keys from the valet." The Muslim says, "are you really Jewish? only because you suicide bombed our team this year, as if you're going to bang 40 virgins in heaven." They lose the game and the white supremacist threatens to kill them all, until the black guy nervously says, "Let's get the Jewish guy outta here. I know this guy who can play, and he's Irish". The white supremacist agrees, and spares them all...until he sees the Irish guy is black (Donovan McFuckinNabb)!!!! LOLOLLOLLOLOLLOLOL...good luck next decade, Chicago.

Mayweather vs. Hatton I

Mayweather and Hatton face off tonight in one of the so-called “fights of the century”. The last “fight of the century” was the May 5^th match up between Mayweather and De La Hoya. I hate using the tag “fight of the century” because they don’t have the sexy (no homo), heavyweight match ups that boxing was built on. These bouts usually had one guy (or both guys) hitting the canvas, and these guys were bigger than life. Foreman, Ali, Frazier, Tyson, Marciano, Lewis (the Brown Bomber, not Lennox “I look like Predator, but sound like a fag” Lewis), and Holyfield were the only fighters that could create a fight of the century because they were the best athletes. Now the best athletes play football, baseball, and basketball for fear of not getting their face turned into mush. So what is the appeal between a couple of welterweight fighters going for the crown? One (1) Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a hip-hop generation, loud-mouthed, dominant, Negro fighter, so the hood, and streets, are going to back up Junior. Two (2), Ricky Hatton is the great white hype, just a lot better, so everybody else is going to back up Ricky. So it’s like black versus white (the blacks lost the last fight…Milton “Jeff Kent don’t understand black people” Bradley vs. Jeff “anybody can be a nigger, you don’t have to be black” Kent in the Dodgers dugout in ’05). I won’t bore anybody with my prediction (PBF in a unanimous decision 8-4), but I will analyze what it means for a person to be rooting for either fighter when you go to your fight parties/bars tonight.

If you see an Asian woman rooting for Hatton: She is a traditional Asian…she likes guys who are humble, but confident. Maybe the only non-Asian she can take home to daddy.

If you see an Asian woman rooting for PBF: She’s into materialistic things, and she wants “chocolate” (black dick).

If you see an Asian guy watching this fight: You won’t…UFC’s Ultimate Fighter finale is on tonight, and they’ll be watching that.

If you see a Jew rooting for…who am I kidding, this shit’s on Pay Per View…

If you see a Latina rooting for PBF: She likes “chocolate”, and hates white people but…

If you see any other wetba…I mean, person of Latin descent rooting for PBF: they want to be black. Floyd is one of the most hated people amongst Latinos. Actually, here is the list of people Latinos hate the most:

1. George Bush

2. Floyd Mayweather Jr.

3. People who don’t buy oranges on street corners

4. Federali

5. All other white people

After the Cinco De Mayo fight, Mexicans would come up to me and the following conversation would ensue:

Pablo: You know Oscar won.

Me: No he didn’t. You can take my plate now, that was a big burrito…I can’t finish the rest.

If you see a white guy rooting for PBF: Maybe one white guy in the world will root for Junior. He know what’s up. They probably have a diversified portfolio, and a Porsche outside. They will drive the Porsche to their side piece’s house after the fight, fuck her, then go home to his wife and two kids. After sleeping till noon (because of all the coke he did the night before), he will roll out of bed and watch football, and laugh to himself that blacks are superior athletes, and how sweet they look on HD.

If you see a white guy rooting for Hatton: I don’t have to explain this. Once most white guys see another white guy boxing, he automatically roots for the white guy, but they are afraid to admit it. PBF is the best pound for pound fighter in the world, and a prohibitive favorite. But the white guy will tell you things like, “Hatton is going to win…I just think he’s going to win, just because”, or, “Floyd sucks, dude!!” (I love that one).

Oh yeah, (time for a Public Service Announcement) ALL BLACK PEOPLE WILL BE ROOTING FOR FLOYD! If Floyd loses, don’t go to the club tonight, YOU WILL GET STABBED. If Floyd wins, WE MAKE IT RAIN, GO TO THE CLUB! There are safety in numbers, white people…if you go to a party, make sure that you have enough white people there just in case Hatton wins, and there is a post-fight riot. In the case of a post fight riot, make sure there are enough white people to take an ass-whoopin’ , and call 9-1-1.

If you see a white girl rooting for Hatton: Sort of the same thing as a white dude. Some ladies might clutch their purse 80 times during the fight. The funny part will be when they interview Floyd Sr.’s stuttering, black ass. The girl will leave the room, and cross the street for safety.

If you see a white girl rooting for PBF: Shoot! Don’t hesitate. This girl has a very good chance of being morally casual, and she is a fan of “chocolate”.

If you see a girl rooting for PBF, and her boyfriend is rooting for Hatton: Shoot! She’s screaming for some black dick, and her boyfriend isn’t delivering. If you’re black, shoot some lines at her; they’ll probably work. If you’re white, you need to brush up on your Ebonics…and, buy some of that infomercial shit to make your dick half as long as mine. If you’re a Latino, please take my plate…