Slizzie Awards oh-seven

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Fill in the blanks: Laredo's L___ Pipe _ock

Today is a huge, Laredo sports day. There are bowl games in college football (two super-underrated games: one (1) UConn vs. Wake; two great schools with good programs, and two, Penn State vs. Texas A&M a.k.a. Shit talk University in the Casket Bowl). There is college basketball today (ESPN2 has been hooking it up early this year. Last week, there were 3 really good games on tha deuce. This week may be the same with Arizona vs. Memphis tonight. There will be 6-10 pros on the floor in that game. The Tennessee /Gonzaga game is a good one, too). The Knicks have a guaranteed no loss night, as they aren’t playing. UFC pops off with Chuck Liddell vs. Wanderlei Silva and Matt Hughes vs. Georges St. Pierre (I got Silva and St. Pierre to win). Then the Giants have a monster game tonight against the New England Patriots. Lotta stuff going on, and I should be motivated to write an article. I’m also hungover and blunted, so I don’t feel like writing right now. I'm going to make this one short and sweet (not long and salty, like your sister, mom, girlfriend, or wife likes it). You could call this my “lead-pipe lock” this week:

Giants win 31-28…Eli plays well in the balmy New Jersey weather. The defense will blitz early and often, and get big plays early with interceptions (31 points mean the Giants D will have to get at least 14 points off of turnovers). Look for the Giants to get 5 or 6 sacks against a depleted offensive line. The Giants have what I like to call the “Zach Randolph Defense”. Six or more sacks equal a win. Sacks of herb, sacks of burgers, sacks of QBs, or a sack of Crown Royal riding shotgun mean the night is going well. Look for Steve Smith to have a big game for the Giants. Kawika Mitchell might cement himself as a front runner for the Giants defensive M.V.P. with a big game, too. Eli will go to his third and fourth options without making a mistake, but ends up 16-29, 211, 2 TD, 1 int, and 4 whatthefuckwasthat fumbles (I should have a “Eli Fumble the Snap” pool. I guess that it first happens around 6:24 in the second quarter). LET’S GO GIANTS!!!

Technical Difficulties

Right now we are having some technical difficulties. I'm too lazy, and the Internet has too much free porn, for me to worry about it right now.

Holiday Jewish Jeers - State of da Bulls

What's a shitty week, in the life of a Chicago sports fan, without the witty commentary of The Double B? Last week, the Bulls bottomed out and completed one of the most disappointing years for Chicago sports. ***WARNING*** The Double B is Jewish. Therefore he doesn't believe in Christmas, Holiday Cheer, or Goodwill to All Men!!! This article will be critical about the state of the Chicago Bulls.

Laredo Slider has been pressuring me for a post the past two weeks. First off, I was taking my time of responding because Mr. Slider is a douche bag. Two weeks ago I was on my way to the Bulls/Sonics game. Before I left the office the betting line had the Bulls favored by 8 points. I wanted to bet to be somewhat entertained having to sit through a Bulls game. I called Laredo for his expert gambling advice. After screening his incoming calls, he called me back two minutes later. However, his advice was shitty at best. He stated the Bulls would probably blow it, told me to walk away from the bet, and then shouted derogatory facts about my religion. Needless to say the game was a complete blow out by the 1^st quarter and all I have to show for it is a free Big Mac (which I'm not complaining about) and more hatred towards my only black friend. Because of Slider I'm 25 dollars poorer.

I'm a little stuck of what to do now. Do I give him a second chance and redeem his NBA skills? Or should I start calling my white friends that don't watch the NBA till playoffs? I think the only way to settle this is a bet. I bet the Bulls will take the series from the Knicks on January 8 ^th. I attended the last Bulls/Knicks game and it was ugly, uglier than Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph fighting over a dropped biscuit. Luckily the Bulls won that game and scored over 100 points so I left with another free Big Mac (it's a delicious burger). The game is at the United Center, so I'll give Laredo Slider three points. The battle for the 8^th seed is on the line. Also, I'll bet the Knicks miss playoffs. That's two bets Slider! We can wager money or having to root for each other's teams. I will personally send you a Kirk Henrich jersey (three sizes too small) for you to show off. Also, you'll have to write into the Chicago Tribune blog area, Kirk's website, and submit an application, with photo, to be a Chicago Bull's Matador. Let me know your terms Slider.

Finally, I'd like to wish Skiles the best. He did a great job bringing our team back to respectability. Now I can't wait for our team to crumble and completely fall apart. John Paxson has made some decent moves, but lately needs to be bitch slapped by Kobe's penis. No Kobe, No Pau, and still four years later - no big man. Paxson made one three pointer and now he knows how to be a GM? I doubt Rick Carlisle will turn our team around, nor any other coach for that reason. What would turn our team around would be a guy that likes fat sluts from Colorado named Kobe.

-The Double B

Christmas Wish List

Christmas is tomorrow and I wanted to write down my wishlist for my four sports teams (Knicks, Mets, Rangers, and Giants). I thought that this was going to be a great year for all my teams, but it has turned to crap faster than a pizza eaten by Tony Siragusa. Knicks are headed to the lottery. The Mets fell apart worse than Michael Jackson’s face. The Rangers and Giants are actually good, but will both shit the bed in the playoffs worse than a girl who had violent anal sex with Shaq, after he took her out for Mexican food. Now that I have filled your heads with visions of sugarplums, and defecation, I will rundown what I truly want for Christmas.

Santa, Please Give Isaiah a New Job

I don’t think it’s appropriate I ask for somebody to get fired during the holidays (though, the Bulls fired Scott Skiles today). Isaiah shouldn’t be the coach of the Knicks anymore. His skill set is perfect for another job, though: strip club manager. Who handles people showing up to work late, and under the influence of narcotics better than Isaiah? Who could handle the press, when a stabbed ho is found in the parking lot, better than Isaiah? Where does sexual harassment not exist? The strip club. The only problem is Isaiah would trade old strippers for big, young, fat strippers (the Eddy Curry’s of the strip circuit).

Santa, Please Give the Mets Some Heart, Guts, and a Healthy 2008

The Mets had a horrible collapse, blah blah blah. I’m not going to wallow in the misery what was the final month. I’m going look towards the future and hope the Metropolitans can bring home the crown in oh-eight. It’s going to take Heart, Guts, and Health. Or, as I would call it, HGH. The Mitchell Report is released, and everybody had a hard-on for it. Baseball brought out the smoke and mirrors and pretended it nailed a lot of people, and that the game is a lot cleaner because of it. Too bad they aren’t able to test for HGH, thus my team needs to be the most HGH’d team ever! Let’s get some scientists and doctors in the front office, and turn the franchise into a dynasty! Oh yeah, Latin players don’t snitch and they hit .300, so let’s get more of those, too.

Santa, Please allow the Rangers to establish some form of consistency

Yeah, the Rangers aren’t consistent. I’m consistent. I like to blog about hot actresses who drink too much (a.k.a. seem like they’re a good time). So why not blog about Danielle Fishel, who used to play Topanga Lawrence on the show Boy Meets World? On the show she was kinda hot. She had big lips, and the appearance of a big rack. Last week, she was arrested for driving drunk (which is the signal for me to go to Google and find as many pictures of her as possible). I searched for her and I found out that not only did she get arrested for driving drunk, but she also ran into a wall (called obesity). It’s not like I don’t like girls with some meat on their bones, but I thought she was going to be a lot hotter than she is. I will give her half a Slizzie for being “The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity”…it will definitely be the half that has the trees and liquor.

The Most Realistic Girl That I Could Bang That Is a Celebrity '07

Santa, Please Allow the NFL to Rig the Playoffs so the Giants get to Play in the Super Bowl…Then I Can go to a Super Bowl party and bang Danielle Fishel.

I feel the Giants have a punchers chance of getting to the Bowl. Eli Manning would have to have a really good postseason, and the Giants would have to go through Green Bay and/or Dallas. So the chances aren’t great, but it is the NFL, and the NFL is rigged. The Giants aren’t as championship starved as the rest of my teams (sans the Rangers), but they haven’t really played anybody this year, and it would be vindictive for them (and me) to win it. Back to Danielle Fishel…Is Fishel a Jewish name? I think it is. Or, it means “a handful of” (I went to a Super Bowl party, to watch the Giants, and ran into a girl who had a fat ass. She grabbed a fishel of pork rinds and then I sweet talked her into giving me head…then she did my taxes, and sued me). Well, Danielle, you somehow received half a Slizzie…congrats! Merry Christmas, everybody! I hope there are a lot of Ho Ho Ho’s in your neighborhood (you can probably get a rub and tug for the 20 dollar Macy’s gift card your coworker gave you in the Secret Santa, this year).

"Is it THAT big?" Yes, bitch...

Laredo Picture of the Day - Kobe vs. Lebron last night -WHY KOBE LOST

Meet your new stepfather...Laredo Slider

So Jamie Lynn Spears gets pregnant, and it causes the American public to reevaluate their morals. "What will I tell my kids?", or, "can I let my kids watch her show?" Here, at Laredo Slider, we concentrate on more important questions. And, we deal with what's going to happen in the future (it's not good to dwell in the past, and what mistakes this young lady made). So I must ask the question, "In 2026, is there going to be a hotter mother/daughter combo than Jamie Lynn Spears, and her daughter?" (assuming she will have a girl). I'm not saying that some guy should marry Jamie Lynn in a few years, help raise her daughter, then bang the daughter. That's sick. I also must remind my readers that stepdaughters ARE NOT BLOOD RELATIVES. There has to be a middle ground on how to exploi...i mean...give this young family the love they need. The first scenario would have to be tweeked a bit, and it would make sense. Marry Jamie Lynn in 17 and a half years (there is a 75 percent chance she will still be single...source: my dick), and then give her daughter the high, hard one (there is no doubt that this girl will walk in same footsteps of her mother and aunt). Then divorce Jamie Lynn, and skate with half her money and her daughter (because that's the lifestyle that you're used to). Then, shoot a reality series. Repeat as necessary.

So what's the real lesson? Do not have a daughter because this is exactly what happens when you procreate after drinking brown liquor, eating too many pork sandwiches, and watching too much NASCAR. Then find yourself in situations like the Spears' and this poor father in the video:

Will the REAL T.O. please stand up? Thank You...

In a story just posted by the AP an hour ago, T.O. is talking shit to Jessica Simpson:

"Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite -- in this locker room or in Texas Stadium."

"With everything that has happened, obviously with the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel she has taken his focus away," Owens said, echoing the chatter on sports-talk radio and blogs. "Other than that, she was high on my list until last week. "Oh, I got a message for her when we make the playoffs. Just stay tuned," he added.

Knowing T.O. there are only five things that can come out of this:

1. T.O. punches Tony Romo when he throws 4 int’s in a playoff game.

2. T.O. punches Jessica Simpon when Tony Romo throws 4 int’s in a playoff game.

3. Authorities find T.O.'s list. It's called "White Bitches that May Fuckup My Season". Wade Philips is one, Donovan McNabb is two, Jeff Garcia three, Tony Romo four, and Jessica Simpson five.

4. T.O. decides that if Jessica Simpson hangs around Texas Stadium, she has to "hook up" the whole team.

5. Two words: Rape Kit

So, T.O. is having a great year, and his team is 12-2...why can't he be happy? Because Tony Romo is taking his “shine”. How is T.O. going to get commercials, and shit, when Jessica Simpson is getting more publicity and air time, during the football game? I think the “tear the team apart” T.O. is right around the corner. As a Giants fan, I can’t wait.

Laredo Slizzie: The "it" athlete of 2007

I don’t know what happened to SportCenter. It seems that they have gone completely away from the true highlights that make sports special, in lieu of stupid fake contests that they make up. Or, they blow things out of proportion regarding relationships between different athletes and celebrities (like, did Tony Romo have a bad game, last weekend, because Jessica Simpson was in attendance? One, I don’t care. Two, I hope Romo gets his legs broken). Then there is this other shit that ESPN loves to do: Who’s Next? Who is the next “it” athlete? WHODAFUCKCARES!?!?! I can make it easy, and I’ll tell ya who Laredo Slider’s “it” athlete of the year is. So here is the second Slizzie presentation of the year. Laredo Slider’s “IT” Slizzie of ’07!

When I am looking for the “it” athlete, the parameters are totally different than what ESPN is looking for. Off the field performance counts as much as on the field performance. Here are the nominees:

Roger Clemens: Has successfully taken the attention of off Barry Bonds by getting named in the Mitchell Report.

“IT” Factor: Is on “it”, but won’t admit “it”. Pros: Had a funny cell phone commercial. Stole money from the Yankees. Cons: Bombed my fantasy team.

Adam “Pacman” Jones: A contender in all Slizzie categories. A constant entertainer, who never disappoints the American public. He gets suspended from the NFL (which was entertaining), then starts wrestling with TNA wrestling (which is entertaining).

“IT” Factor: Makes”It” Rain Pros: Known to cause twenty dollar bills to come from the ceiling (for visual effect), at the strip club. Cons: Causes people to get shot. “It” could be you!

Stephon Marbury: A prodigal son of Laredo Slider. I wear his gear, and I am a huge Knicks fan.

“IT” Factor: Went to a strip club with a Knicks intern. Took her out to his SUV, and hit “it”. Also, gave many fucked up interviews, making people wonder if he’s on drugs. Pros: Fifteen dollar sneakers. Cons: Fifteen dollar point guard play.

Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova: Gulbis is kinda hot, Sharapova is hot (but 6’1”, which is a good thing…for me…cuz my dick is like 8’11”), and Kournikova could possibly be the hottest there is (now that Alba is pregnant…what a bitch…what’s more important, Jessica? Being a mother, or being a hot piece of ass?) . The important thing is that these three ladies play (or used to play) a sport. What sports? I don’t know.

“IT” Factor: Googleable pics that are real. Googleable pics that just have their heads photoshopped onto naked bodies. Either way, I win. Pros: They’re all foreign…don’t understand terms like “Dirty Sanchez” or “Cleveland Steamer”, until it happens to them. Cons: None.

Tennis star Anna Kournikova posing for a magazine on top. Shot of her seeing how wet she is after reading this column, bottom.


Golfer Natalie Gulbis...right before I take my driver out, drive my balls through the rough, and put "it" in the hole

Tennis star Maria Sharapova posing for S.I. on the bottom...on the top, doing a stretch that makes me wish I had photoshop. What stretch is that, anyways? I've seen girls leave my apartment doing that stretch, but it never helps their limp.

And the Winner is: Maria Sharapova/Natalie Gulbis/Anna Kournikova

Nobody should be surprised. The last time I nominated three broads for one award, they won. I hope females recognize Laredo Slider is a female friendly site, where I respect the strides made by women in the world (and I give awards for it). I understand that it takes at least three women to defeat men in anything (other than math, sports, driving, voting, science, and being president, where men own. And, women, don’t say, “Hey, you’re black and haven’t always been able to vote.” That’s a bad argument. I vote every year. Bron, Kobe, T-Mac, K.G., and B. Deeeezie, bitch!! Every year my vote gets them to the all-star game.) Okay, so this website isn’t exactly “female friendly”, but if you ladies decide stop working so hard and start showing some skin, and work out, and unlearn English, you can win a Slizzie.

"It" Athlete of 2007

The 1st Annual Slizzies

It's nearing the end of the year, and I am handing out awards to the people, things, animals, women, etc. that have made 2007 a special year. I don't want to put it in one article because I know people who read this website have the attention span of me during high school girls volleyball practice, and I can't make the article too long (just kidding, I really mean womens' college volleyball...they don't let me in school zones anymore). Basically I'm going to run down different categories until the final category, which will be "Laredo Slider's Person of the Year".

What is a Slizzie ? It can be two things. It's the trophy I hand out to people who win each category, or it's a slang term for stuff dripping down a girls' back, chest, face, etc. after "making love". Either way, people should be honored to get it (or gettin' it on her). This is an important award, and like the Oscars, Grammy's, etc., I need to create a trophy that is legendary. So, I decided to take the things I liked and put it into one trophy. Hennessey, weed, blunts (Dutchmasters), chicken and hot sauce (Red Rooster), automatic weapons (AR-15), white ho's (Jessica Alba), and a sick crossover. That's all I need in life, and when I hand out the trophy, I want the recipients to feel that this is the only trophy they need in life (even though nobody has a nastier crossover than me). Here it is:

On to the first catagory:

Most Gangsta Operation of the Year

Nominees:

Madison Square Garden - Sexually harassing employees (and nobody gets fired), banging interns

Bad Newz Kennels/Michael Vick - Dogfighting

Pacman Jones - "Making it Rain" in the strip club, triple shooting ensues, Pacman gets 100 hours communtiy service

O.J. Simpson - Stealing back shit that he sold to somebody years back.

Barry Bonds - Breaks Home Run record, on steroids

Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears - Drugs, Alcohol, going the wrong way down highways, getting kids taken away, AND STILL STACKIN' PAPER!!!!

Winner:
Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan/Nicole Ritchie/Brittney Spears
Pacman, Barry, and O.J. were close in the voting, but the they got zeros in the "white ho's that I would fuck" catagory (and I'm sure they would understand). Madison Square Garden had to pay 11 million dollars to some ugly bitch (who NONE of them got pregnant), and the Knicks still suck. Mike Vick is going to spend the next couple of years beating off to National Geographic, in jail (he also lost about 145 million). Bonds was close because people would rather go to jail, than snitch on him, and he hasn't lost money due to his transgressions. Pacman didn't get to play football this year, even though he did "make it rain" in the club. He is real close because "making it rain" is one of the values that I want in Slizzie recipients. And O.J. is going to jail, but he did use overwelming force in stealing his shit back, which is another value that I want in Slizzie recipients. What it comes down to is the four Hollywood broads are sooooooo much more gangsta than any of them. The only people who are getting turned off by these broads are other broads! Broads like other broads like Nicole Kidman, "because she's so classy, and she's a great actress, blah, blah, blah". FUCK DAT!!! I don't like pale bitches who are classy. I like young white ho's, who like to party, and fuck, and drive fast cars, drunk at night down the wrong way of the I-5!!!!! AND THEY STILL STACK CHEDDA!!! The reason that they still get attention is because dudes like them! The only one that is remotely hot is Lohan, but whodatfuck cares?!?! I would marry Brittney Spears right now, and take care of her kids...check that...I would marry Brittney Spears right now and let the kids run around the house sticking their fingers in outlets...while I smoke weed on the couch playing XBOX 360, and spend dat bitches money!!! So, ho's, this Slizzie is for you!

Most Gangsta Operation '07

Laredo's Picture of the Day

"Freeze!! This is a stickup, nigga! Fifty dollars on the premises, my ass! And turn the deep fryer back on!!"

Kevin Weekes, New Jersey Devils

An Ode to Grossman

The Bears died this weekend (no, Michael Vick didn't escape jail and flee to Canada, where he started a bear fighting ring, only to kill bears who didn't win...then Vick ironically entered the Iditerod where he started the race with 8 dogs, only to finish with 2 really pissed off dogs). The Chicago Bears pretty much ended their one year run of being relevant. And it may be the end of the road for the "Sex Cannon" Rex Grossman. I don't really care about the Bears, but I like to see them lose. And I like to hear the misery of their fans. So here is The Double B's state of the Bears report after the loss to the shitty-ass Redskins:

An Ode to Grossman

With Thursday’s devastating loss to the Redskins, the Bears find themselves without Rex Grossman and without a playoff birth. As a Bears fan I’m not surprised we missed the playoffs. Last year’s schedule was easier than taking home the drunk, fat, horny girl and enticing her with pizza and ribs back at your pad. However, it’s the end of era in Chicago. This is Rex’s contract year, and the Bears would have to be stupider than Ron Turner calling a run up the gut on third and ten, than to resign Grossman (yes, Ron Turner is about as entertaining as Jessica Alba’s acting, just take it off already). Like most of Chicago I’m not sad to see him go. Unlike Mark Prior (I hope you die), I wish you well, Grossman. You’re Jewish (huge plus), you party with groupie hoes from the western suburbs (call me next time), and you like showing off that sexy arm by chucking it downfield when you know Berrien is overrated.

Grossman took a lot of heat as the main man, most of it deserved. However, I did enjoy wondering which Rex would show up. I always based my prediction on how hard he wanted to go out drinking the night before with neck beard (that’s Kyle Orton, and no I don’t want him running our limp dick O). What quarterback, week after week, offers the excitement as Grossman? Will he throw for 345 yards? Will he make Mohammed not look like a washed up piece of shit? Or will he get sacked twice in the 1^st quarter, get frustrated and say, “fuck it I’m throwing it deep.” How does a team replace that? And I have an answer, Donovan McFuckingNabb.

It’s obvious the Bears are great at signing washed up shitty quarterbacks. We are even better at drafting shittier quarterbacks and running backs. Why not sign McNabb and put him behind an O-line that can’t block? Let McNabb show how old and beat up he with a sub-par receiving core and no running game. And, if that doesn’t work out, Grossman will be a free agent in two years (he’ll get the same offer Joey Harrington got). I tip my hat to Grossman as he walks out the door. Best of luck with your new team, but you’ll probably get injured in the pre-season and be out of the league next year anyway. Sexy Rexy will be missed, but missed in the way that I miss my yearly prostate exam.

Thanks, Bruce, but the Bears are a joke of a team. No, seriously...A black guy (Hester), a Jewish guy (Rex Grossman), a white supremacist (Brian Urlacher), and a Muslim (Mushin Mohammed Al-Zarqlrgjqerogieqrgi) walk into a stadium, trying to win a football game, when the black guy says, "I'm really good at football, but I don't have a position...I do run like I stole something, though." The Jewish guy says, "I was good at football in college, but my judgment is as good as Lance Briggs at 1:58 am, right after he gets his keys from the valet." The Muslim says, "are you really Jewish? only because you suicide bombed our team this year, as if you're going to bang 40 virgins in heaven." They lose the game and the white supremacist threatens to kill them all, until the black guy nervously says, "Let's get the Jewish guy outta here. I know this guy who can play, and he's Irish". The white supremacist agrees, and spares them all...until he sees the Irish guy is black (Donovan McFuckinNabb)!!!! LOLOLLOLLOLOLLOLOL...good luck next decade, Chicago.

Mayweather vs. Hatton I

Mayweather and Hatton face off tonight in one of the so-called “fights of the century”. The last “fight of the century” was the May 5^th match up between Mayweather and De La Hoya. I hate using the tag “fight of the century” because they don’t have the sexy (no homo), heavyweight match ups that boxing was built on. These bouts usually had one guy (or both guys) hitting the canvas, and these guys were bigger than life. Foreman, Ali, Frazier, Tyson, Marciano, Lewis (the Brown Bomber, not Lennox “I look like Predator, but sound like a fag” Lewis), and Holyfield were the only fighters that could create a fight of the century because they were the best athletes. Now the best athletes play football, baseball, and basketball for fear of not getting their face turned into mush. So what is the appeal between a couple of welterweight fighters going for the crown? One (1) Floyd Mayweather Jr. is a hip-hop generation, loud-mouthed, dominant, Negro fighter, so the hood, and streets, are going to back up Junior. Two (2), Ricky Hatton is the great white hype, just a lot better, so everybody else is going to back up Ricky. So it’s like black versus white (the blacks lost the last fight…Milton “Jeff Kent don’t understand black people” Bradley vs. Jeff “anybody can be a nigger, you don’t have to be black” Kent in the Dodgers dugout in ’05). I won’t bore anybody with my prediction (PBF in a unanimous decision 8-4), but I will analyze what it means for a person to be rooting for either fighter when you go to your fight parties/bars tonight.

If you see an Asian woman rooting for Hatton: She is a traditional Asian…she likes guys who are humble, but confident. Maybe the only non-Asian she can take home to daddy.

If you see an Asian woman rooting for PBF: She’s into materialistic things, and she wants “chocolate” (black dick).

If you see an Asian guy watching this fight: You won’t…UFC’s Ultimate Fighter finale is on tonight, and they’ll be watching that.

If you see a Jew rooting for…who am I kidding, this shit’s on Pay Per View…

If you see a Latina rooting for PBF: She likes “chocolate”, and hates white people but…

If you see any other wetba…I mean, person of Latin descent rooting for PBF: they want to be black. Floyd is one of the most hated people amongst Latinos. Actually, here is the list of people Latinos hate the most:

1. George Bush

2. Floyd Mayweather Jr.

3. People who don’t buy oranges on street corners

4. Federali

5. All other white people

After the Cinco De Mayo fight, Mexicans would come up to me and the following conversation would ensue:

Pablo: You know Oscar won.

Me: No he didn’t. You can take my plate now, that was a big burrito…I can’t finish the rest.

If you see a white guy rooting for PBF: Maybe one white guy in the world will root for Junior. He know what’s up. They probably have a diversified portfolio, and a Porsche outside. They will drive the Porsche to their side piece’s house after the fight, fuck her, then go home to his wife and two kids. After sleeping till noon (because of all the coke he did the night before), he will roll out of bed and watch football, and laugh to himself that blacks are superior athletes, and how sweet they look on HD.

If you see a white guy rooting for Hatton: I don’t have to explain this. Once most white guys see another white guy boxing, he automatically roots for the white guy, but they are afraid to admit it. PBF is the best pound for pound fighter in the world, and a prohibitive favorite. But the white guy will tell you things like, “Hatton is going to win…I just think he’s going to win, just because”, or, “Floyd sucks, dude!!” (I love that one).

Oh yeah, (time for a Public Service Announcement) ALL BLACK PEOPLE WILL BE ROOTING FOR FLOYD! If Floyd loses, don’t go to the club tonight, YOU WILL GET STABBED. If Floyd wins, WE MAKE IT RAIN, GO TO THE CLUB! There are safety in numbers, white people…if you go to a party, make sure that you have enough white people there just in case Hatton wins, and there is a post-fight riot. In the case of a post fight riot, make sure there are enough white people to take an ass-whoopin’ , and call 9-1-1.

If you see a white girl rooting for Hatton: Sort of the same thing as a white dude. Some ladies might clutch their purse 80 times during the fight. The funny part will be when they interview Floyd Sr.’s stuttering, black ass. The girl will leave the room, and cross the street for safety.

If you see a white girl rooting for PBF: Shoot! Don’t hesitate. This girl has a very good chance of being morally casual, and she is a fan of “chocolate”.

If you see a girl rooting for PBF, and her boyfriend is rooting for Hatton: Shoot! She’s screaming for some black dick, and her boyfriend isn’t delivering. If you’re black, shoot some lines at her; they’ll probably work. If you’re white, you need to brush up on your Ebonics…and, buy some of that infomercial shit to make your dick half as long as mine. If you’re a Latino, please take my plate…

Laredo's Hottest Broads Walking the FACE OF THE EARTH, THAT I CAN SEARCH FOR THRU GOOGLE!!!!

I think the writer strike has affected my production. It’s not that I sympathize with these people, and I don’t sympathize with the studios (I do watch movies I don’t pay for…would you rather me be at home talking at the movie loudly, or at a theatre talking at the movie loudly?). It’s the holiday season, and I just want to see everybody get along. I know that the writers aren’t getting their fair cut. There needs to be compromise, or else you will get scabs crossing the picket line, like me. I will write for these TV shows for the same money, no problem. They’ll be better off because of it, too. I will write scenes in Desperate Housewives where a good looking black dude (me) moves on to the block, and causes a ruckus because he gets Eva Longoria pregnant (Desperate Housewives will be considered reality TV, because this good looking brotha (me) will really get Longoria pregnant). This will lead to an episode of Cheaters where Tony Parker suspects his wife of cheating (because of the Escalade-sized condoms in his trash can, and stolen car), only to find that he doesn’t want to bring it to the good looking black guy (me) who is banging out his wife. Must see TV, bitches! Sorry, I’m going off on a tangent…really I want to talk about a contingency plan for the networks if they can’t get good, new programming on the tube. Just assemble five of the hottest honeys, put ‘em in a house with secret cameras, liquor, and plenty of aspirin labeled containers filled with date rape drugs and ecstasy, and call it a day. Who would be the five honeys? That’s what this article is about…THE FIVE HOTTEST WOMEN LIVING NOW!!!!!! (not named Jessica Alba)

I want to do this right. It’s not going to be one through five. I’m just naming five straight up. This is a list of the five hottest girls. In my book, they are all 10 out of 10’s. They are all tied for first. I couldn’t include Alba because she is the obvious. But let’s get started:

Michelle Wie (age 18):

Michelle Wie is like a gallon of milk. You buy it, but really, are you going to drink a gallon of milk before it goes bad? (White people don’t answer). Her shelf life can be questioned. She’s a tall, athletic girl. That means that she will no longer be desirable around age 26 or 27 (she’ll be 6’1”, 170 by then). To top it off, she’s Asian. This is good or bad, depending on how you look at it. She’ll be content with going to Souplantation on special occasions, but she might run you over in your driveway one day. The one thing that Wie can produce, especially if you’re me, is a kid that will be athletic and smart. If I had a chance to “F” Michelle Wie, I would make sure that she swallows only half of my kids, the others will be put to good use (I can see myself now at the 2030 N.B.A. draft). I do think she is hot, and that’s all it takes to be on this list…

Megan Fox (age 21):

Otherwise known as “Mega Fox”, she may be hotter than Alba. She starred in one of the best movies ever (Transformers), and is one of the most stunning women whenever her picture is taken. I really don’t know much about her, other than the fact she was in Transformers, and I the fact I want to do her. Oh yeah, she is engaged to Brian Austin Green (the gay guy, who played himself on 90210). She has six tats (one of the aforementioned homo) which mean she is a freak, in guy language. I should change the name of this article from “Five Hottest Broads” to “Why Brian Austin Green should wear a bulletproof vest”.

Nautica Thorn (age 23)

When I write about these broads, I talk about how I would bang ‘em, and how Michelle Wie would be drinking my kids, etc. The chance of this really happening is small with them. With Ms. Thorn, it is actually pretty good. I just need to come up with the dough. Nautica Thorn is my favorite internet actresses. She’s Asian, like Wie. But she isn’t one of those shifty, math-doing, traffic-fucking up Asians. She’s a put it in any hole, cum-burping, invite your friends Asian. The actual beauty of Nautica is that she is half Jap, a quarter Puerto Rican, and a quarter Hawaiian (which means not only can she hotwire a Honda, she can also cook a pig…which in Black families is a plus).

Vanessa Bryant (age 26)

I have no problem in saying I wanna be like Kobe. LeBron has this commercial where he’s says, “You don’t want to be LeBron James. You wanna be better than Lebron James.” DAAAAMN RIGHT, I wanna be Kobe. I wanna shoot everytime down the court. I want to borderline rape young white ho’s. I wanna have a wife who doesn’t care about either, and still stands by my side, as I keep on doing the same shit. In real life, I wish Vanessa to take out her frustrations of Kobe cheating on her, by cheating on him with me. Then I’ll call up Shaq to get sloppy seconds, and we’ll steal all of Kobe’s memorabilia. Vanessa, if you’re reading this and it turns you on (which it should), shoot me an email.

Vanessa Anne Hudgens (age 18)

I didn’t know who this chick was until tonight. I was looking for a cutting-edge hot chick to be fifth on this list, and I decided on Hannah Montana (I just erased the paragraph, and erased my hard drive). After looking for Hannah Montana pics, I came up on (lol) Vanessa Anne Hudgens. She isn’t in anything I have seen, but she’s hot. This little slut also has a naked pic that surfaced on the internet, which I’m going to post on this site. I think that the picture seals the deal for me. She’s dating some dude who’s smaller than my dick on a 20 degree day. Enjoy the pic:

NY Knicks Preeeeeeeeeview

Today is my preview of the Knicks. I will have predictions, updates, and random shit that goes through my head, as we enter the 2007-08 year.

I want to say that I am a huge Knicks fan and it's good to be a Knicks fan these days. We're entertaining and intriguing. Most Knicks fans are from the northeast. We ain't like Lakers fans, who can be from anywhere. We ain't like Bulls fans, who are just riding the dick of Michael Jordan. We are fans of a team hated everywhere, because of the name of the city written across their chest (just like the Giants and Rangers). We play in the best, most famous basketball arena in the world, and our coach has no problem calling your wife, mom, etc. a bitch. Pundits are picking the Knicks to finish out of the playoffs, just because they are haters. It's the Knicks against the World this year, and I'm going to savor every moment as the Knicks prove the haters wrong!

I don't like to breakdown the lineups, and bench, like Sports Illustrated does it. I like to break teams down, in basketball, by their components. Let's get crackin'

Backcourt: (Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford, Nate Robinson, Fred Jones, Mardy Collins)

The backcourt has talent, but it isn't the cohesive type of talent that some other backcourts have (ex. Billups, Hamilton). The reason is because all of these guys are isolation experts. Nate Robinson looks like an And 1 mixtape. So does J.C. If Marbury is out at the club, he will isolate bitches into his SUV. Not a bad unit, but all these guys have had the label of "needing to grow up". Steph and J.C. start, but look for Fred Jones to start if J.C. can't find his offense (J.C. can be the microwave option).

Three's (Quentin Richardson, Jared Jeffries, Renaldo Balkman, Wilson Chandler)

This is a good rebounding group. The only problem is the Q is always injured. If Q is injured, then the other three get their weaknesses exposed with extended minutes (even though Chandler is going to make the other three expendble within the next two years). Q stay healthy, and lay off the ribs and cookies.

Post and Baseline D (Eddy Curry, Zach Randolph, David Lee, Randolph Morris, Jerome James)

In the offensive post, there is no other team with better options in the league. Curry and Z-Bo are going to create a bunch of mismatch issues. On D, they are going to have issues. Their biggest issue will be getting back on defense. David Lee is going to have another big year, off the bench (if he sticks around...I smell Ron Artest). Oh yeah, if I see Jerome James in a game, at all, I will drive to New York and set a Jerome James Trap. What's a Jerome James Trap? I'll put a plate of food and a MGD on a table, wait for him to skip practice to consume these items, then I'll wait for him to take his nap, and then cut his legs off. He doesn't need 'em, and doesn't use 'em.

Half court Offense

The Knicks should excel in the half court, and last time I checked the best half court teams win championships. Defense is the issue.

Rebounding

The Knicks will outrebound everybody, period. Curry may not be a great rebounder, but Randolph is good, and Lee and Q-Rich are exceptional at boarding. I just named two guys who had 10 plus a game last year. Not worried about rebounding.

Taking care of the rock

The Knicks will out-turnover everybody period. Z-Bo is a black hole, and any pass from him may be in the first row. Same for Curry. Marbury, Crawford, and Nate may have fancy handles, but they don't make the best decisions. If they want to finish games, they will need to improve here.

Overall Prediction: 45-37

They will suprise people and get a 5 through 7 seed. They will then go to the playoffs where they will push somebody to the limit in the first round. I will weigh in with some opening night stuff later.

Now a little trivia:

What did the Knicks offer the Lakers for Kobe Bryant?

A: a left, and a right...niggawhuuut!?!?!?! GO NY, GO NY GO!!!!!!!

Halloween Review

I haven't written in a couple days. It's probably for a couple reasons: (1) the sports world is in it's slowest days right now, and (2) Halloween = Jail. How can you have a holiday where people get drunk, or have a sugar rush off candy, and females ages 15 through infinity dress like hookers? I thought is was best to lay low when I saw a gang of 15 year olds dressed like hookers/referees, and hookers/hookers. I didn't want to write, and thought that people would think bad things of me once I wrote 'em. But I did go out, and saw some of the most f'd up costumes. But there were three that really stood out that had no thought put into them whatsoever. I call these the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" costumes.

The first was a girl dressed as a Hooters' waitress. I think she was a Hooters' waitress at some other time of her life. She looked like the Hooters' owl to tell you the truth. She had the whole get-up (including the stains from bleu cheese dressing spilled on her shorts...well, we'll call it "bleu cheese dressing"). She must have put on weight after working at Hooters, because she had all the signs of an out of work Hooters' waitress, too (including the stains on her shirt from the wing sauce after spilling them down her throat...well, we'll call it "wing sauce"). To top it off, I seen her at a bar. I put an order in with her. She thought it was a pickup line, until I yelled at her for not bringing my wings out in a timely manner, and I asked to see her manager. Shitty costume, and shitty service.

Next is a dude dressing up as a ho. This is unacceptable. I drink in dark places. If I look on the dance floor and see a skirt and fake tities. I am going to (1) try to see "what's good", and (2) put an order in for 50 breaded, hot wings. Either way, I'm going to end up pissed off. Oh yeah, not to mention it is gay. How does this fit into the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" catagory. Well, I assume these guys used to work at a place where they took it up the ass (like Bally's Total Fitness, or something).

Finally, there is the black dude who decides to be the prisoner. He wears an orange penitentary suit/shirt and thinks that this is a funny costume (this might be the only one that doesn't fit into the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" category...not). Now I have to write the rules for what black dudes can wear on Halloween:

1. Don't wear anything that can implicate you later. So, I go out and wear my prison costume...fight breaks out in the bar, and police round up everybody. They put me in a lineup and who do you think is the brotha they're gonna pick out? Even worse: You goto a house party, and not all the girls are "of age" and the party host is serving liquor (a.k.a. you're drinking beer and the ladies are drinking a concoction known as "Bitch, you got knocked da fuck out!!!"). So you gotta run into the shrubs, or woods. The cops will see you right away. Or go as a serial killer with blood on your shirt. Don't blame anybody but yourself when you get brought in for questioning on a murder, from 1992.

2. Only costumes that include a blunt object are permissable. I don't dress up on Halloween often, but when I do go this rule is number one. Let me rundown what I wore throuout the years: 2006 Barry Bonds (bat), 2004 Tiger Woods (golf club), 2002 Tiger Woods (golf club), 1999 O.J. Simpson (shank), you get the idea. This is the one day out of the year where we are allowed to carry weapons in the streets. After all, they're just "props". An officer can put you in jail for walking down the street with a baseball bat on most days, but not on Halloween. If shit pops off, then you have the ability to break the fight up with a couple of swings.

3. Just go as yourself, it's equally as scary. I went out and there were people dressed up like the grimreapper who walked to the other side of the street when they saw me coming. I saw a Hooters' waitress walking down the street, and she crossed, and didn't even take my order.

That's it for the "I worked at this place, and still have the uniform" costumes. I hope everybody had a good Halloween...Knicks' Day tomorrow, where I preview the Knicks season, and I give my predicitions to who gets arrested first, for what. ONE!

Laredo's Kerry Collins Edition Monday QB (yes, I have been drinking) - GFY List

This article is dedicated to Kerry Collins, my fourth favorite QB of all-time (Simms, Hostetler, Eli, KC5). If it weren't for Kerry, I wouldn't have thought it was acceptable to write, drunk, using racial slurs. I've dropped n-bombs, made fun of Asians, exploited Mexicans through stereotypes, etc. The thing is, is that I'm a realist, and some people may not say the things that are on their minds, but guys like Kerry Collins and I do. This GFY list is going to be dedicated to the numerous analysts how have spewed shit out of their mouths this week.

First on the chopping block, A-Rod Haters...

How do you blame A-Rod for doing what he is doing? He has the ability to make more money by opting out of his contract. On Monday, I'm watching Sportcenter, and their headline is "The Greediest Player Ever". WTF?!?! If I could make more money, I would, and so would everybody else. The other thing that is funny is FOX announced that A-Rod was a free agent right before the ninth inning in the World Series clincher. The story really broke before the game and they waited, and made A-Rod look bad (even though, if I'm A-Rod I don't mind that move...I would try to get FOX to C.G.I. my nuts on the screen, as the Red Sox celebrate their championship). People are idiots...who are we to decide what A-Rod does? Big GFY to A-Rod Haters.

(BTW, I came up on this article on ESPN.com, and I'm appalled by the fact that they pay people to write absolute crap. I'm starting a petition.)

Next, Tony Romo...

I will write this directly to Tony...

Tony,

Wipe that shit-eating grin off of your face. I didn't mind you when you were a backup QB. I started to get pissed when you were linked to Jessica Simpson. Now you sign a extension for 31 million, guaranteed. I officially hate you. You're single, and the rich QB of the Cowboys. Hook a brotha, up (me, not T.O.). If you win a Super Bowl, and become part of the Holy Trinity of QB's (Farve, Manning, Brady), I'll be pissed. I'm a little jealous, but if you get stuck up and robbed, you asked for it...GFY!!!!

Now that's off my chest, next is Bill Belichick haters....

This week, the Pats beat the Redskins 52-7. People then complained that it was bad sportsmanship, etc. Then they lamented that Bill Belichick is a cheater. It's amazing...I compare Bill Belichick to a cool George W. Bush. You talk shit about him. Then you realize he has the best weapons, but unlike Bush, he uses them to their full extent, and wins wars. Belichek is pissed, and so is his team. The funny thing is, how do you complain about a team running up the score? There are two simple ways to combat it. Cheap shot the pretty boy QB (it will only cost you 15 yards), or don't let the score get out of control (show some heart). If it was 38-0 and I see the other team trying to pass the ball, the next play is an all-out blitz. I would send all 15 guys (I would have four extra guys blitzing from the sidelines). Then I would make all the beer in the stadium free, and tell the fans where the Pats team bus is. Bottom line is people call the Pats cheaters and creeps, only because idiots on ESPN tell them to. Bill Belichick haters......................................................................GFY!!!!!!!!!!

Next, Snitches!

No, really, snitches. First, Mike Vick's boys snitch his ass out of playing football and millions. Then O.J.'s henchmen are turning on the Juice. WTFWTFWTF?!?!? These people single handedly fucked up Madden '09, and any hope for a new "Naked Gun" movie. What's next?!?!? Snitching on Santa Claus because the North Pole is a sweat shop?!?!? GEEEEEEEFFFFFFFFFYYYYYYYYYYYY, SNITCH ASS SNITCHES!!!!

(if O.J. is reading this...there is this guy in Dallas who just got 31 million dollars...we'll call him Rony Tomo...I think that he has memoribilia and white bitches at his house...I'll meet you there).

NY Sports Check - 10/25

New week, same shit. It's almost like the sports world is under a dark spell cast by the Red Sox Nation. We gotta watch them beat the inferior Rockies, amidst the crappy announcing of Tim McCarver. Once they win it will be all over and we can concentrate on the NFL, and hot stove baseball. Whatever...the good thing about being a NY sports fan is that there is always something to talk about. So without further hesistation, NY Sports Check:

1. New York Giants

Why the Giants are number one: The Giants are dominating, and guess what? They have the best shot at winning a championship, out of all the NY teams, at this moment. The reason? Not the improved play of Eli. Not the revamped offensive line. Not the three-headed running attack. And, not the big play capabilities of Plexiglass Buress. It is the defense, but not the talent (even though they are very talented). It's Steve Spagnuolo, the defensive coordinator. Let's be real, these are the Giants, and they play in North Jersey. Do they want a defensive coach named Johnnie Lynn, or Tim Lewis? NO!!!! The Giants should have a defensive coordinator who is a "Pisan". With a name like Spagnuolo, he is a shoe in to be the next Giant coach. He is lauded for his blitz schemes (he refers to them as "hits"). And he is knows how to get his players motivated. I asked Coach Spag on how he keeps his players motivated. He said, "I tell those moulies that they better play or then my cut, of their pay, will go from 10 points to 40 points, and if they don't like that they can go fuck themselves. Forgetaboutit. I'm just a capo right now, but one day I'll be boss of this organization. Coughlin is getting lazy, and we know how those micks like their liquor." Okay, so he didn't say that. But he is the reason why the Giants can win the NFC.

2. New York Yankees

Why the Yanks are number two: The ownership is changing, and for the worse. I hope people realize that George Steinbrenner has no control on what is going on with the Yankees. If he did, then Joe Torre would still be around. He might have some medical condition (like Alzheimer's), and is being used like a pawn by the real controlling owners. The Dolan's are also putting in a bid to buy the YES Network, which means they want the team eventually (Forbes values the Yankees at 1.5 billion, and the YES Network at 3.5 billion). If the Dolan's get control, Suzyn Waldman will file a sexual harrasment suit, and will win. That's how inept and unprofessional the sports side of the Dolan empire has been so far (anybody accused of sexually harrasing Suzyn Waldman should be castrated). Oh yeah, they're looking for a manager who will take the worst job in baseball, the replacement of Joe Torre. Ha!! I feel a lost decade on the horizon.

3. New York Jets

Why the Jets are number three: Because they are in the middle of a quarterback controversy. Pennington is good, but they know Pennington already. They should play Kellen Clemens at QB and tank the season. With a high draft pick, they can get a player who is a gamebreaker, and they have zero of those right now. This is a classic example of the downs a team experiences after a year where they had an easy schedule.

4. New York Knicks

A lot of publications are picking the Knicks to miss the playoffs. I think it's more of an attack on the character of Isaiah Thomas than an attack on the actual talent of the roster. This is a team that is hard to match-up with and they are all 25 through 28 years old (with some exceptions), and they're maturing to the point where they can win 8 to 10 more games this year. They play hard for Isaiah. Oh yeah, if David Stern takes action against Isaiah, he has to take action against Kobe Bryant. Bryant settled with a "rape" victim and it's not like he didn't have sex with that girl (ho). I hope the Knicks do their thing this year and prove everybody (except me) wrong.

5. The Hockey Teams

Why are they number five: Last week I suggest that the NHL melt the ice and have brothas shoot from the stands at the players, just to make the sport interesting. I know that this will never happen, but last time I checked, there were no metal detectors in NHL arenas.

6. New York Mets

Why they are number six: I know the Yanks are in trade talks with anybody, and everybody. We better be doing the same thing. We also need to hire Wally Backman to be on our coaching staff. A lot of what the Mets were missing last year, is instilled in Backman. He is a Mets great who should get more respect within the organization, and I think he could be a great first base coach.

7. New Jersey Nets

Why they are number seven: They have a great backcourt, and I like a couple of their young players. Their front line is definatly underrated as well. But, still, they're boring. Their stars are not likeable (except Richard Jefferson), and they play in a dead arena. This will be their best team since they went to the finals, but whodafuckcares.

That's it...Go GIANTS!!!!

Laredo Review of da Week: StumbleUpon

I've watched nothing but sports, and a couple of movies, this week. The sports were good...Game 7 of Indians, Rockies, the Giants destroying the Niners. There wasn't anything worth talking about though. The movies I watched were Stardust (a surprisingly good movie, that I will watch again, and again), and A Mighty Heart (movie about the widow of Daniel Pearl, and what she went through while they were looking for her husband...It's a brutal movie because 1.) you know that not only are they not going to find Daniel Pearl alive, but they are going to see that tape of him getting cut up, and 2.) they never built up the character of Daniel Pearl...I didn't like it).

So, I'm sitting here wondering what to write about. I never have writer's block because everyday I see something that makes me think. It makes me think about why it's there, how it came about, etc. I didn't see anything today, except for the evacuation of people in the Southern California Firestorm (I don't want to write about it until the fire is out...I truly feel bad for these families). I sat down and hit my "StumbleUpon" button until I thought of something to write about.

For those who don't know, StumbleUpon, is a add-on to the Mozilla Firefox browser that randomize sites when you press the "Stumble!" button. You pick out your catagories of interest, and it will pick a random site to take you to. I guess if you're on somebody's computer, and they have this button, you could tell a whole lot about who they are and what they are about. Let's see what I "Stumbled" on:

The first site I encountered that I found appalling is the site GroovyGroves.com. The site is like a YouTube for musicians. The appalling part is the fact that they have a "Stiptease" section where girls dance in their underwear, etc., to music. Some of these girls are not eighteen. I think that this clip speaks for itself:

Don't send the cops to my house, please

Some people will say that I'm just helping out this website by putting this video on my blog. Well they're right...the site isn't that appalling, but this video is kind of appalling. I think any site that asks girls to do a striptease down to their underwear is a good site. If the cops ask, I am really just trying to get R. Kelly to do an interview on LaredoSlider (once he see's the site is pedophile friendly...he'll feel safe about giving me a interview). Oh yeah, anybody who needs me can find me at the 18 and over club this weekend...I'll be the one with the wristband.

So i'll stumble more and I get to The Onion...the website of one of my favorite publications. I've always liked their content, but then I found this video:

Use Of 'N-Word' May End Porn Star's Career

I always said that white people can't use the words "nigger" or "nigga". Check 'dat...porno stars getting filled up by brothas can use those words. Check 'dat...any female who's getting filled up by me is free to use the n-word whenever they want. They can even bring KFC into bed with them, just to make fun of the stereotype that black people love chicken. I won't care, because you know a brothas gonna be hungry afterward. You will get thrown out of the crib, if you don't bring hot sauce and grape soda, though.

While we're on the subject of fried chicken and soda, check out the list of death row inmates, and their final meal requests. Most of the inmates want fried chicken, and who could blame them.

Finally, I stumbled on this one site that I thought was a joke. It wasn't:

Smell Me and. Com

WTF?!?! Are you serious? This is disgusting. Am I going to really want to have the smell of 'Chicken of the Sea' on my hands? These fools think that I'm going to be aroused by the smell of pussy? Usually after I'm done with it, it stinks and it makes these farting noises. They should put a whoopie cushion in every box, just for shits and giggles. What's going to be next? A fragrence of my shit, to remind women of the time I hit them with "The Shocker", and finished with a "Dirty Sanchez" or "Cleveland Steamer"? That'll get them hot. How about a bottle of my nut sweat. I would call it "Reminiscence of a Tea Bag".

So if you don't StumbleUpon, you're missing out. If you think I'm a perv, because these are the sites I see, you're probably right. I'm out like a broad who doesn't bring the hot sauce to bed...