You Gottabefuckinkiddin Me! How to Fix the Mets

Mets lost...Giants still yet to play. I'm distraught. Tom Glavine gave the Mets zero chance to win today, and this will be the last day that he wears the orange and blue (he was throwing his fastball at 81 and his change up at 74, both with no movement. He was afraid to throw strikes). Carlos Delgado broke his wrist, and I hope that he goes back to using HGH (doesn't he seem really skinny compared to last year?). Paul Lo Duca is a good leader, but good leaders hit more than .280. The rest of the team needs an attitude adjustment, but the last three I mentioned shouldn't be in the plans for 2008.

Position by position I break down what should happen with the Mets

Catcher

Resign Castro, and don't sign Lo Duca (but that seems to be the plan anyways)

First Base

Get Delgado back on HGH, or trade him for somebody who takes their career seriously

Second Base

Keep Luis Castillo

Shortstop

Keep Jose Reyes

Third Base

Keep Wright, but if he decides he wants to be in the bottom five in all of baseball, in fielding percentage, he should consider first base. The last two gold glove winners at first base were natural third basemen who had the same problems Wright had (Texiera, Pulujos)

Outfield

Beltran was the teams M.V.P. Alou was good, and so was Green. Gotta consider resigning Alou, but Green has to walk. We got youngsters that need to play.

Pitching

Shoot Glavine
Keep Pedro, El Duque, Oliver Perez, and Maine
let Humber and Pelfrey develop (see if they can help in the bullpen)
and SIGN BARTOLO COLON!!!!

we need a big time starter, and I don't care how fat he is...Colon needs to be signed.

Wagner can't pitch as many innings anymore, so we also need another serviceable short guy, that can finish games (not necessarily save games).

Keep Willie and the coaching staff. Defense and pitching were the problem, and we didn't have enough talent in these areas (we were in the bottom half of the National League in each catagory...seventh in E.R.A., ninth in fielding). Talk to David Wright about moving to first, and see if getting Eric Chavez (6 staight gold gloves) is possible. Bartolo Colon is a strikeout guy, and a established starter. We get Duaner Sanchez back, so that should help. Be aggressive, Omar!!! It's not my money, and it ain't yours, so spend it!! Gagne, Dotel, Benitez...sign them all... it couldn't hurt. Spend the money of those rich owners. No salary cap, and we're in New Fuckin' York!!!! I'm just fuming right now...in a month or two, I'll talk about the free agents I do want and put em in a list...this is just the worst season in Mets history, and I have to vent (it's amazing that this was worse than '88, a year that I never want to think about. At least I didn't cry after today's loss).

YOU GUYS ARE SO FUCKING DEAD!!! LETS GO METS AND GIANTS...FUCKDEEZPUSSIESUP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phuck Philly - Laredo's Picks of Da Week

I feel like Patrick Ewing. I’m Jamaican. I sweat a lot. I make claims that usually come back to bite me in the ass. Example of things that have come out of my mouth in the last year that makes me feel like the great Knicks center:

“Suck my dick. the Mets have the best lineup in baseball. I’ll bet you they win the NL East this year. Enough about the Mets. That girl over there wants some chocolate, and I’m going to give it to her.”

Or:

“Go fuck yourself. The Knicks should make the playoffs this year. Curry, Frye, Marbury, Crawford, Q. We’re stacked. I may be drunk, but I think Isaiah is leading us in the right direction.” (Proceed to throw up)

Or, how ‘bout this one:

“I think Chris Collinsworth and Tiki Barber like to play hide the sausage. I don’t think the Giants are going to be as bad as people they say, and Eli is going to have a breakout year. We’ll make the playoffs. Get me another Heineken, bitch.”

So here comes something that P-Ew said (after game sixes in the eastern conference finals in ’94 and ’95), that I’m going to say now:

SEE YOU ON SUNDAY!!!!

And I’m talking to the dirty-ass city to the south, Philadelphia.

I know the NL East is going to come down to Sunday (and maybe Monday), and the Mets are winning today, and tomorrow. I guarantee it. The Phillies don’t have the fortitude to sweep the Nationals. Pat Burrell is a fat fuck, Ryan Howard is a fat fuck, and Jimmy Rollins is a switch-hitter in more ways than one. They’re not going to sweep the Nationals.

Also, the Giants are going to shit on the Eagles. Not only do the Eagles have the worst throwbacks in the history of sports. Their fans are gay, and so is the QB. The G-men will end the Eagles season tomorrow. Strahan will have 3 sacks, and once all these scientific predictions come true, Philly will have one sack (of yours truly) in their mouth. So that leads me to Laredo’s Predictions for Sunday:

Birds at Jints (+3) (O/U 47)

The national game on NBC tomorrow night. We’ll hear so much trash talk from Tiki, Olbermann, Collinsworth, and Costas about the Giants that will get them fired up. We’ll find out what an imposter Donovan McNabb is (he’s not Irish). And he won’t be lucky, either. Philly’s D is softer than Lindsay Lohan’s left litty. Eli’s line will look like this: 25-38, 320, 3 Tds, 1 int. Derrick Ward will have a buck twenty rushing. Giants slap the Birds like a south Philly hooker…24-16

Green Bay at Minny (+2) (37.5)

I love a team that has no option but to rush the ball (Minnesota), and I love chicks that rush at my balls. I love a team that has a great home field advantage, in the dome (Minnesota), and I love chicks that give good dome. Farve comes back to earth and has a 3 interception day. Adrian Peterson runs wild. Minnesota wins 20-17

Chicago at Detroit (+3) (45)

The Bears are going to Brian Griese (who we’ll refer to as QB #2, cause we WILL see a Kyle Orton appearance this year). QB #2 will have a safe game because Lovie Smith won’t let him throw the ball willy-nilly (otherwise known as “Me Hitting It from Behind, and Since I’m Going Raw, I Don’t Wanna Bust in this Bitch” game). The Bears will be so predictable tomorrow, and the Lions will take advantage. The Lions will also put points on the board, the Bears D is overrated (see last weeks predictions, thank you very much). Look for the Bears RBs to put the ball on the floor. Lions eat the Bears 27-10 (stick a fork in the Bears).

Seattle at San Francisco (+2) (40.5)

San Fran gets no respect. They were in the game for three quarters against the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then got beat by a really good team in the fourth quarter. Alex Smith gets going tomorrow (nobody talks about how much of a bust he has been), and Frank gore’s the Puget Puke 21-10.

Patrick Ewing was one and one in the “See You on Sunday” games. I’m going two and zero. If I don’t, I’ll be in your local bar saying, “Lick my balls. The only team that made better moves than the Rangers in the off-season are the Knicks. MSG is back, baby!”

The Most Racist Movie, EVER!!!!

I was flipping through channels late night, and I ran into a movie I haven't seen in a while, but was one of my favorites as a kid, Gremlins. I know that some of my audience was born after, or around, the time this movie came out (1984). If you haven't seen it, it is a must watch (and if you're female, and you were born on September 28th of 1989, I'm looking to "hit"). The movie is about these hairy creatures who turn into these reptile looking things, and terrorize a town of cracker-ass crackers (there are a couple of things that monsters know when terrorizing cracker-ass crackers...1. Crackers aren't strapped 2. Crackers care about their house more than they care about their children 3. Crackers will not leave their town, unless a lot of black families move in the neighborhood). I thought it was a great movie for kids and adults, until I saw these stereotypical scenes:

1. Asians are only good for being shifty, having exotic animals/house pets, making electronics, and non-filling Asian food (which usually consists of exotic animals/house pets and electronics)

How did the Gremlins get to Crackaville? The father of the protagonist goes to Chinatown, NYC for business and buys the Mogwai (turned Gremlin) from an old Asian dude's grandson.

Here's the problem: In 1984 we were in the midst of a cold war with the U.S.S.R., we were worried about nuclear warheads, and shit like that. So what were the Chinese doing? Watching Gremlins and getting pissed off (and doing math problems). Mogwai translates in Cantonese to, "Evil Spirit". So, basically the movie portrayed the old man as your typical "shifty Asian", who sold evil shit ("Shify Asian" was the name for the old man in the credits, I swear!!) Of course, the Gremlins look like some kind of miniature dragon crossed with beef and broccoli. Asians were probably like, "Ahh, American tink we stupid, dey tink we sell dem beef brocorry monster." Well, guess who's nukes we have to be worried of now? If I was Asian, I would be pissed (and if there are any Asian girls out there born September 29, 1989, I have a beef brocorry monster as big as a Lincoln, I mean Rinkin).

2. Black people, reproduce to much, and turn into animals if they hang-out at chicken places after midnight.

We have this chicken place in Jersey that has bomb-ass chicken, and is open 'till 2 A.M. (no this isn't a "Yo Mama" joke). It's called Kennedy Fried Chicken. Most of my white friends will not go near this place, only for one reason, because of Gremlins, and I'll tell you why.

In the movie, has one Mogwai (which are kind of cute and fuzzy). The Mogwai gets wet, and multiplies. So the main character ends up having about 7 Mogwai after accidentally spilling water on one of them. The Mogwais then get hungry and he has to feed them. There's a couple of problems, though. The Mogwais can't eat after 12 midnight ("Shifty Asian" tells the kid's father this), and all the kid has has a full plate of Fried Chicken (I'm black...I capitalize Fried Chicken, thank you very much). It ends up that it's actually after midnight and the Mogwai's destroy the Fried Chicken. They turn into Gremlins the next day. The racist part here is (1) this family is sooooo white that they put a full plate of Fried Chicken in the refrigerator, just to prove to themselves that they aren't animals, and can have leftovers (in the DVD there is a deleted scene where the mother cooks the fried chicken and tells the son not to "act like a bunch of Negroes and eat it all in one day, because your father is bringing home some food from Shifty Asian Wok". How else could you explain why there is a WHOLE plate of Fried Chicken in the fridge?? Maybe nobody has seen this version, but it exists. Steven Speilberg signed it himself, and sent it to me...he signed it and wrote "stay off of JDate"), and (2) the chicken had to turn those cute animals into blood thirsty monsters. Why? Because they ate it after midnight and they're no better than the crackheads that hang outside of Kennedy's Fried Chicken. So my friends think that if you eat chicken after 12 midnight, then you turn into a blood-starved, crackhead negro!!!

3. The first casualty in the movie is a black man. The Gremlins kill him and then sprinkle coke on the murder scene (I swear!)

First, we'll cover the "Black Man in a Movie Conspiracy Theory". In the 80s, the most popular thing for writers to do was kill the black guy off first. The black man always get killed first. No suspense, no scary music, just a showcase of a killer's/monster's/cop's force in the first half hour of the movie. It introduces us to the strength of the killer, as well as keeps the payroll down (have you ever seen a black dude at the craft services buffet, on set of a movie? It's not pretty...they never leave any chicken for anybody else...and forget about the Hawaiian Punch). So writers decided they like chicken too much to keep these actors around, and they would kill them in the first couple of scenes.

Now in Gremlins, the teacher of the main character's high school chemistry class, was black. The kid brought in the Mogwai to show the teacher, and the teacher was enamored by the way the Mogwai reproduced. The teacher ran tests on the Mogwai after school hours, and left some food out while he was running these tests. The Mogwai ate it, after midnight, and turned into a Gremlin. The teacher notices that the Mogwai-turned-Gremlin escapes it's box, and corners it under a desk (little does he know that he's black, and about to get written off the set). He tries to make peace with the Gremlin by giving it a candy bar (he can't see the Gremlin yet, so he doesn't know that better get a to-go plate in between takes). The Gremlin eats the candy bar, and then bites the finger of the teacher!!! An unseen battle ensues, and in a couple of scenes from then, the main character finds the teacher dead, in the classroom, with a needle stuck in his ass!!!! The racist point here is that the writers wanted the viewer to believe that the Gremlin thought that the teacher's black hand was a five pack of Kit Kats!!! And the needle in the ass? The writers thought, "Hey how can a foot-tall stuffed animal kill a black guy? Lets just stick a needle in his ass and chalk it up to his heroin habit. Hey, it's 1984 and he's black. Let's get some Hawaiian Punch in celebration" (In the previous scene, the main character's mother takes out three of the Gremlins with no problem. I'm supposed to believe that one of these midget monsters is going to take out a brotha? Bullshit). This has changed peoples perceptions. My whole life people were like, "You're so good with animals." When they really wanted to say, "My dog thinks you're a giant Crunch bar." White people have dogs that only bark at black people, and they say "I don't know what's gotten into Cujo." I do...Cujo has never heard a giant Snickers bar talk, bitch!!!!

This movie should be right up there with Boyz in the Hood, The Fast and the Furious, and Rush Hour I, II, and III as the a movie that introduced white America to the Asian and Black cultures. Its also incredibly racist. So racist that Steven Spielberg has adopted a bunch of black kids, and he doesn't let them eat after midnight, either.

Beef Brocorry ATTACK!!!

No Blog Today or Tommorow

Stay tuned for the "Atlanta" blog...where I channel the thoughts of Mike Vick and John Rocker...

Monday Morning QB a.k.a. Go Fuck Yourself List

What a great weekend for my teams. Mets won 3 in a row, Giants won (in a good, solid comeback), and nobody on the Knicks was arrested. I had a good weekend getting drunk, as well, and I was reading the last week’s blogs. I have figured out that I have an infatuation with shit, my dick, and people shitting on other people. There is a reason for these juvenile thoughts, though. My girlfriend broke up with me, so basically I was shit on, and now I’m hooked. She was a good girl, and I have no animosity towards her, but I really wanna say Go Fuck Yourself to her cuz it will make me feel better (if anybody tells her about this blog, she’ll probably sue me, and that’ll fuck up my “Make it Rain” money, and right now I can barely make it drizzle) . So every Monday, I’m going to have the “Go Fuck Yourself List”. I decided that it was time to grow up and find another girl (the first step of growing up is creating a “Go Fuck Yourself List”? Okay, so my priorities are out of order). So I created a profile on JDate.com. JDate is a Jewish dating website (if you don’t know me, I am black, and like white broads, and Spanish mommies…and yes, I write very well, I know…black people can write, you know…I don’t listen too well, though, and that may be genetic). So, JDate will be first on the GFYL.

1. JDate.com

So I join JDate. I create one log in, and write a profile that I thought would be very popular with the Jewish ladies. I was thinking of what were the key things they were looking for. I decided saving money, gold, asthma, recreational accounting, and arguing with clerks in department stores were good turn-ons. Of course, gas prices, Jihad, tipping, Muslims, Blacks, and “settling for the price on the tag” were turn-offs. I didn’t want to put a picture of myself on the profile, at first, just to create a bit of mystery for the soon be ex-Mrs. Laredo Slider. I create the profile, and try to log back in, and I get the message “your account has been locked by an administrator, you black muthafucka” (it actually said this…there has been a rash of these signs around, like “Speed Limit 55 m.p.h., you black muthafucka”, or “PED XING, you black muthafucka”…I may be seeing things, but this is how I interpret these signs). So I’m fuming…but I just made another profile, and made a super honest profile (I wrote the same things, but put my picture in this time), and I got ten messages within a half a day. What happens after I get these messages? “Your account has been locked by an administrator, you muthafuckin’ charcoal briquette who doesn’t listen too well, because we know you people don’t listen.” Fine, I get the message, but Go Fuck Yourself!!!

2. The city of Philadelphia

Philly gets a lifetime achievement award in the first week of the GFYL. The Phillies are playing good baseball. The Eagles are probably back on track. That’s all it takes for Philly to get on this list…GFY!!!

3. People who don’t pick up their phone when their team is getting their doors blown off

Nothing aggravates me more when I’m watching a buddies team, they’re losing bad, I call him up to talk shit, and he dosen’t pick up. For an example, I’ll use my good friend who is a Bears fan, we’ll call him Bruce (who also happens to be Jewish…I wonder if his sister is on JDate?) Well, the Cowboys are shitting on the Bears (whoops), and I call him, and it goes to voicemail. That doesn’t stop Laredo Slider. It’s 2007, and I got unlimited text, biatch. I text this fool to the point where he probably turned his phone off (sample texts from last night: “John Madden just coughed up a turkey, and Rex just coughed up the game”, or 3 texts worth of LOL’s…that always gets ‘em super pissed). I pick the phone up just to vent when my team is getting blown out. Does that make me better than the person who doesn’t? Definitely. So here’s a GFY to all the people who don’t pick up the phone (except Bruce…what’s your sister’s number?)

4. Airports

I took a couple of flights cross country this week. I flew to Phoenix, Arizona, which was only an hour flight. Had a good time in Phoenix, then headed to Jersey. The flights were good (I slept the whole way, except for a brief time, when I woke up, and had a humungous boner…the lady was sleep to my right, and wanted to put her hand on it, but I pussed out…she was like 85 years old…70 years younger and I woulda done it...I mean 67 years). The food at airports suck, everybody knows that, but I think they don’t want brothas to fly. What’s up with Burger King and Cinnabun in every airport?! No variety at all. How ‘bout some KFC or Popeye’s? How about a cognac/smoothie place…I’m just saying. GFY to the airports for not catering to the people fast food was intended to kill.

That’s the list for this week. I hope everybody boycotts all of the things I listed, especially Philly. I also hope everybody feels empowered to tell somebody who's pissing them off, "Go Fuck Yourself!!" If your boss is getting on your nerves, tell him GFY!!! If your girlfriend won't let you bang other chicks (and you wonder why I'm single), tell her GFY!! If your kids are causing a scene at the mall, beat them, then tell them GFY!! I've said enough...feel free to leave personal GFY's in the comment section, or e-mail 'em to me...

Laredo's Picks of Da Week - Peyton Shits on Texans

Like I do every week, I'm going to make picks in the NFL against the spread. The only thing that is different this week is that I'm putting them on my website. So far this year, I am 14 and 0, seriously (not). I just didn't want to bet for fear of the FBI banging down my door asking me if the NFL is fixed. Cuz I don't snitch. On to the picks:

San Fran (+9.5) at Pittsburgh (O/U: 38)

San Francisco is a tough football team, lead by a tough man (Mike Nolan). They aren't as gay as the residents of the city, and this is a defense first team (great secondary, one of the best up and coming middle linebackers). Take San Fran, and the under...Pittsburgh should win, though 17-13.

Peyton Manning (-6) at Houston (O/U: 47)

Peyton is going to throw 5 TDs tomorrow...if my memory serves me correct he threw 5 TDs last time he was in Houston. I don' t care who he plays against, he's the best QB of all time, and a hot start by a trendy team (Houston) isn't going to get in the way of his greatness...Look for Anthony Gonzalez to have his coming out party (probably with a keg of Corona). Take Peyton, and the over...41-17 Indy

Dallas (+3) at Chicago (O/U: 41)

1. Dallas is the best team in the NFC (with the best offense) 2. Rex Grossman sucks. Rex is going to have what I call the "Me Hitting It From Behind While I'm Drunk" game. He'll try to go deep, and end up in shit (get it? wrong hole). Dallas will have Tank Johnson in the coaches booth, with a AK 47...Dallas rolls 31-17

Minny (+2.5) at K.C. (O/U: 33.5)

Minnesota put too much pressure on their black QB, so he threw 4 picks last week, and messed up his groin. Look for their white QB (Kelly Holcomb) to be the caretaker in this smashmouth battle of crappy teams. Minny wins 13-10

These picks are for entertainment purposes only...when you bet your house on anything but these picks, it will be entertaining to see the gangsters show up to your house, and break your legs...GL

Generated Beef, Part III

Shame on you Las Vegas Police, Roger Goodell, David Stern, and Hennessey. You guys have created a Molotov cocktail of danger by allowing brothas to go a lawless city, with too many laws. Tell them they can have a good time at a basketball game where the best in the world are playing, and partying. Hennessey, you know what you guys do, too. Brothas get looooose on some Hennessey. Cause them to go to strip clubs to make it monsoon. People get shot, and the wrong people get suspended and jailed.

A new case in point is the O.J. Simpson case. He went to Vegas, with henchmen in tow, looking for some guys who stole his memorabilia (in O.J.’s cell phone, he doesn’t have the traditional group contact settings like “family”, “business”, “friends”…he has “Henchmen”, “Ho’s”, and “Rapper’s That are Scared of Me, So They Hangout with Me”). He obviously premeditates the whole thing because he barges into a hotel room, and steals his shit back, and he was strapped. So, the dumb Las Vegas Police charge him with 8 felonies (after bringing Pacman Jones up on similar charges, and having their case blown apart). The guys who O.J. supposedly robbed already fesses up to stealing things from O.J. Now O.J.’s pissed, and a motivated O.J. is gonna do one of two things: run for 2,000 yards in the NFL, or kill people (and he hasn’t played football in years). Here are the mistakes the D.A. made when O.J. went to his bail hearing:

1.) 125,000 dollar bail….LOLOLOLOL!!!!! That’s pocket change, or what we like to call “Make it Rain” money. 125,000 dollar bail = $250,000 night out in Vegas, look out bitches (yes, I used “we” when discussing O.J. in the last sentence…once O.J. walks in to a building, I know who I’m rollin’ with)

2.) They took his passport away so that he wouldn’t flee the country…LOLOLOLOL!!!!! O.J. is going NOWHERE…this is his home turf. They should stop issuing passports around the world for anybody wanting to come here, cuz da Juice is Loose!!!!

3.) They really wanna send O.J. to Jail? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! If O.J. goes to jail he will not rehabilitate (duh), but what he will do is organize and get acquainted with the inmates. O.J. has the most street cred of any celebrity EVER...He’s killed, left his jizz on the scene, and wrote a book about it. He would have a rock star following in jail. The most prominent prison gangs would be the Aryans, the La Eme, and the O.J.’s (not the band…you notice I didn’t mention the Bloods and Crips…O.J. would figure out a way to unite them and take over whatever jail he’s in)

And one mistake from Ron Goldman’s family, who wants the memorabilia as part of their son’s wrongful death suit against O.J.:

DON’T ask for the memorabilia. O.J. will “redeem” these items once the smoke clears.

Over the last 13 years, there haven’t been any unexplained murders involving Hall of Fame running backs and two white people, and we should keep it that way. I must give O.J. credit, though because everybody is enthralled by O.J. and anything he’s involved with. MTV should do “Punk’d” with Ashton Kutcher and we would be able to kill two birds with one stone (knife). I can see it now:

O.J.’s Girlfriend (white blond, big booty): O.J. I think you got me pregnant!!

O.J.: What, bitch?!?

O.J.’s Girl & Ashton Kutcher: You’ve been Punked!!! (Kutcher has that shit-eating-grin on his face)

O.J. (sheepishly): (stabs everybody)

The problem is that the new “Punk’d” would only last one episode.

You Gotta Befuckinkidding Me!!

I love it when those fans go to Shea and have those signs that say "You Gotta Believe!!". Well how bout "You Gotta Befuckinkidding Me!!" Seriously, the Mets are playing some of the weirdest games I've seen them play. Last night they squandered a three run lead in the ninth, whatever, that's baseball. But there were two incidents that made the game really weird, and one that has me worried. The first is Lastings Milledge got tossed out of the game after arguing with the umpires. Usually, a guy gets run from the game by one ump. Lastings took a page out of the "Carl Everett/Milton Bradley Flip the Fuck Out on Everybody Playbook" (available at your local prison library for free, or on Amazon for 19.99), and got into it with a couple umps. He basically took one of his rap lyrics and spit it with fire at the umpires (I can read lips, and I think he said "shit on your chest" a couple times during the tirade. Then he went into the dugout, and then came out to argue some more (one of my favorite Milton Bradley episodes includes a scene where he does that, too). So that was kinda weird.

But then Aaron Heilman takes the mound. Aaron is my least favorite Met, but what happened to him was f'd up...He gets on the mound to throw his warm up pitches, and some dude in the stands throws a ball (tennis ball, I think) at Aaron. This was funny because (1) the guy was a Mets fan, (2) Aaron wasn't hurt, and (3) Aaron threw a scoreless inning. If Heilman got lit up that inning, I would have to say that he deserved it, and the fan who threw it should start managing.

The last messed up thing with the Mets is that Billy Wagner is probably hurt. He didn't come out to pitch the ninth, and he only pitched once in the last week. If he is, then he is no better than Armando Benitez in his prime. He couldn't pitch in the ninth of game 7 of the NLCS last year, and he can't pitch in huge games in the pennant race. He needs to redeem himself, and he has two weeks to do it...

But we are still ahead of those Philly degenerates so all is good...

I'm out like O.J. on bail....peace

Generated Beef, Part Two

For the second part of this three part series, I decided that i wasn't going to do an O.J. article. It's not because I'm not ready (i've been ready since his car chase caused the '94 NBA Finals to be interupted...not that I needed to see more John Starks bricks)...I wanna save my last Generated Beef/ O.J. column for a blog simulcast on here, and on firebonniebernstein.blogspot.com. I am actually going to talk about a generated beef between the people at x17online.com (which includes some stripper who supposedly took the pictures), and Oscar De La Hoya. Some stripper claims that she and Oscar De La Hoya went to Philly (of all places), and he dressed up in drag (I guess something brings the gay out of a fighter when he's in Philly--now that I pissed off half of the fighting world, let's resume). I think there are worse people to start a fight with (like me), but these pictures are kinda funny. I think they photoshoped Oscar's face on a midget Costa Rican bus boy, in drag, and did a real good job (I tried to photoshop my dick in Jessica Alba's mouth but it just looked she was throwing up a big choc-cicle...like a footlong choc-cicle for the ladies reading out there)...well enough of me rambling...Floyd Mayweather Owns!!!!

Generated Beef, Part One

I have already figured out the winner of the Kanye/ 50 battle, and album sales aren't the only thing that are really gonna decide the winner. There is more criteria that needs to be examined. I am now announcing the Laredo Slider CDeeeeez Nutz Battle of the CDs (it will be like Oprah, without the fat broads and chocolate-filled host). It was a great idea to have a fake battle and generate record sales (i bought 'em both, i like both of them, as musicians).

So let's see who wins!!!!:

First catagory: Album Art

Kanye employed the most promenent contemporary Japanese artist, Takashi Murakami, to do his album art. He also included one of those 8 by 8 fake posters, also done by Takashi Murakami. The album also comes in one of those cardboard-type deals, no plastic (probably better for the environment, but worse to break up weed on). Bottom line- Great art, and the packaging is minimalist inspired.

50 has a nice, glossy, traditional album insert. To get to the insert, first you have to pull out advertising for Vitamin Water, and a couple of other products. Then on the inside of the real insert, 50 has pictures of himself, himself with Tony Yayo (poor man's O.J. Simpson), himself literally eating a gun, himself in a suit reading a newspaper (readin' is a nigga's kyptonite - chris rock), and himself on the next three pages with a thick ass bitch, in a thong...and I think he's about to do her. Oh yeah, 50's pubes make a guest appearance in the last pic. Bottom line- More rugged, thick bitches never hurt things, I love Vitamin Water and Tony Yayo.

Winner: 50...Kanye isn't Japanese, and if anybody is going to illustrate the album, it would be better to go with a prominent Graffiti artist, or something. And, if your going to get together with somebody of Asian decent, put in a coupon for a rub 'n tug or something. Did I mention 50 had a thick bitch inside...

Second Category: Street Cred

Kanye likes to make obnoxious appearances on T.V. and at award shows...50 likes to make obnoxious appearances at the club, in the third lane of any highway, at your baby mama's crib, or on your local block...

Winner: (in a landslide) 50

Third Category: Lyrics

Kanye is a popular rapper for three reasons. One, he speaks clear enough for white people to hear him, and he has the license to say the N word, so black people like him. So people who outgrew rap feel they are listening to a more consious rapper. Two, he rhymes and says the last word three times in a row, just to make sure white people can still understand him. Three, everytime you see him, he's wearing a polo shirt and some tight fitting jeans. I would think that he's trying to reach out to the white/gay population with that as well (hey, I know a nice polo and some pressed jeans pulls the white bitches...but, c'mon)...Kanye also makes me feel bad about some of the things I do. Maybe I should listen, but not from Kanye. He does have a guest appearance from Lil' Wayne, the best rapper out right now.

50 doesn't have the most intricate lyrics...but he says shit that gets you pumped. He can wax poetic about how he is going to rob you, and your boys, at the club for no apparent reason (in his G-Unit gear). Or, he tells the ladies how he's gonna sweet talk them in the club (after robbing you and your boys), and then bring the ladies (yes, multiple) home, where he then pisses on them after busting a nut (then he talks how he gets thirsty, and drinks Vitamin Water). He doesn't really talk about pissing on ladies...he does have a guest appearance from Eminem, and Eminem does mention shitting on some girl's chest twice in the song.

Winner: 50...this was close, except shitting on a girl's chest is a legendary thing to do (otherwise known as a Cleveland Steamer)...Kanye would probably say "Don't shit on a girl's chest, and George Bush hates black people!!!" Kanye's words just don't resonate with me...I ain't wit that, yo!!!!


Overall Winner: 50 Cent
So even though Kanye won the fake, real battle...he's not 50...no way, no how...He only won because (1) White America (who decide the "records sold" part of it) are turned off by 50, (2) you can't listen to 50 if you have kids, and (3) 2 out of 10 girls probably bought 50's album, the other eight you wouldn't want to shit on....


Paris n' 50: she's about to get something "hot" on her chest