Generated Beef, Part One

I have already figured out the winner of the Kanye/ 50 battle, and album sales aren't the only thing that are really gonna decide the winner. There is more criteria that needs to be examined. I am now announcing the Laredo Slider CDeeeeez Nutz Battle of the CDs (it will be like Oprah, without the fat broads and chocolate-filled host). It was a great idea to have a fake battle and generate record sales (i bought 'em both, i like both of them, as musicians).

So let's see who wins!!!!:

First catagory: Album Art

Kanye employed the most promenent contemporary Japanese artist, Takashi Murakami, to do his album art. He also included one of those 8 by 8 fake posters, also done by Takashi Murakami. The album also comes in one of those cardboard-type deals, no plastic (probably better for the environment, but worse to break up weed on). Bottom line- Great art, and the packaging is minimalist inspired.

50 has a nice, glossy, traditional album insert. To get to the insert, first you have to pull out advertising for Vitamin Water, and a couple of other products. Then on the inside of the real insert, 50 has pictures of himself, himself with Tony Yayo (poor man's O.J. Simpson), himself literally eating a gun, himself in a suit reading a newspaper (readin' is a nigga's kyptonite - chris rock), and himself on the next three pages with a thick ass bitch, in a thong...and I think he's about to do her. Oh yeah, 50's pubes make a guest appearance in the last pic. Bottom line- More rugged, thick bitches never hurt things, I love Vitamin Water and Tony Yayo.

Winner: 50...Kanye isn't Japanese, and if anybody is going to illustrate the album, it would be better to go with a prominent Graffiti artist, or something. And, if your going to get together with somebody of Asian decent, put in a coupon for a rub 'n tug or something. Did I mention 50 had a thick bitch inside...

Second Category: Street Cred

Kanye likes to make obnoxious appearances on T.V. and at award shows...50 likes to make obnoxious appearances at the club, in the third lane of any highway, at your baby mama's crib, or on your local block...

Winner: (in a landslide) 50

Third Category: Lyrics

Kanye is a popular rapper for three reasons. One, he speaks clear enough for white people to hear him, and he has the license to say the N word, so black people like him. So people who outgrew rap feel they are listening to a more consious rapper. Two, he rhymes and says the last word three times in a row, just to make sure white people can still understand him. Three, everytime you see him, he's wearing a polo shirt and some tight fitting jeans. I would think that he's trying to reach out to the white/gay population with that as well (hey, I know a nice polo and some pressed jeans pulls the white bitches...but, c'mon)...Kanye also makes me feel bad about some of the things I do. Maybe I should listen, but not from Kanye. He does have a guest appearance from Lil' Wayne, the best rapper out right now.

50 doesn't have the most intricate lyrics...but he says shit that gets you pumped. He can wax poetic about how he is going to rob you, and your boys, at the club for no apparent reason (in his G-Unit gear). Or, he tells the ladies how he's gonna sweet talk them in the club (after robbing you and your boys), and then bring the ladies (yes, multiple) home, where he then pisses on them after busting a nut (then he talks how he gets thirsty, and drinks Vitamin Water). He doesn't really talk about pissing on ladies...he does have a guest appearance from Eminem, and Eminem does mention shitting on some girl's chest twice in the song.

Winner: 50...this was close, except shitting on a girl's chest is a legendary thing to do (otherwise known as a Cleveland Steamer)...Kanye would probably say "Don't shit on a girl's chest, and George Bush hates black people!!!" Kanye's words just don't resonate with me...I ain't wit that, yo!!!!


Overall Winner: 50 Cent
So even though Kanye won the fake, real battle...he's not 50...no way, no how...He only won because (1) White America (who decide the "records sold" part of it) are turned off by 50, (2) you can't listen to 50 if you have kids, and (3) 2 out of 10 girls probably bought 50's album, the other eight you wouldn't want to shit on....


Paris n' 50: she's about to get something "hot" on her chest