Monday Morning QB a.k.a. Go Fuck Yourself List

What a great weekend for my teams. Mets won 3 in a row, Giants won (in a good, solid comeback), and nobody on the Knicks was arrested. I had a good weekend getting drunk, as well, and I was reading the last week’s blogs. I have figured out that I have an infatuation with shit, my dick, and people shitting on other people. There is a reason for these juvenile thoughts, though. My girlfriend broke up with me, so basically I was shit on, and now I’m hooked. She was a good girl, and I have no animosity towards her, but I really wanna say Go Fuck Yourself to her cuz it will make me feel better (if anybody tells her about this blog, she’ll probably sue me, and that’ll fuck up my “Make it Rain” money, and right now I can barely make it drizzle) . So every Monday, I’m going to have the “Go Fuck Yourself List”. I decided that it was time to grow up and find another girl (the first step of growing up is creating a “Go Fuck Yourself List”? Okay, so my priorities are out of order). So I created a profile on JDate.com. JDate is a Jewish dating website (if you don’t know me, I am black, and like white broads, and Spanish mommies…and yes, I write very well, I know…black people can write, you know…I don’t listen too well, though, and that may be genetic). So, JDate will be first on the GFYL.

1. JDate.com

So I join JDate. I create one log in, and write a profile that I thought would be very popular with the Jewish ladies. I was thinking of what were the key things they were looking for. I decided saving money, gold, asthma, recreational accounting, and arguing with clerks in department stores were good turn-ons. Of course, gas prices, Jihad, tipping, Muslims, Blacks, and “settling for the price on the tag” were turn-offs. I didn’t want to put a picture of myself on the profile, at first, just to create a bit of mystery for the soon be ex-Mrs. Laredo Slider. I create the profile, and try to log back in, and I get the message “your account has been locked by an administrator, you black muthafucka” (it actually said this…there has been a rash of these signs around, like “Speed Limit 55 m.p.h., you black muthafucka”, or “PED XING, you black muthafucka”…I may be seeing things, but this is how I interpret these signs). So I’m fuming…but I just made another profile, and made a super honest profile (I wrote the same things, but put my picture in this time), and I got ten messages within a half a day. What happens after I get these messages? “Your account has been locked by an administrator, you muthafuckin’ charcoal briquette who doesn’t listen too well, because we know you people don’t listen.” Fine, I get the message, but Go Fuck Yourself!!!

2. The city of Philadelphia

Philly gets a lifetime achievement award in the first week of the GFYL. The Phillies are playing good baseball. The Eagles are probably back on track. That’s all it takes for Philly to get on this list…GFY!!!

3. People who don’t pick up their phone when their team is getting their doors blown off

Nothing aggravates me more when I’m watching a buddies team, they’re losing bad, I call him up to talk shit, and he dosen’t pick up. For an example, I’ll use my good friend who is a Bears fan, we’ll call him Bruce (who also happens to be Jewish…I wonder if his sister is on JDate?) Well, the Cowboys are shitting on the Bears (whoops), and I call him, and it goes to voicemail. That doesn’t stop Laredo Slider. It’s 2007, and I got unlimited text, biatch. I text this fool to the point where he probably turned his phone off (sample texts from last night: “John Madden just coughed up a turkey, and Rex just coughed up the game”, or 3 texts worth of LOL’s…that always gets ‘em super pissed). I pick the phone up just to vent when my team is getting blown out. Does that make me better than the person who doesn’t? Definitely. So here’s a GFY to all the people who don’t pick up the phone (except Bruce…what’s your sister’s number?)

4. Airports

I took a couple of flights cross country this week. I flew to Phoenix, Arizona, which was only an hour flight. Had a good time in Phoenix, then headed to Jersey. The flights were good (I slept the whole way, except for a brief time, when I woke up, and had a humungous boner…the lady was sleep to my right, and wanted to put her hand on it, but I pussed out…she was like 85 years old…70 years younger and I woulda done it...I mean 67 years). The food at airports suck, everybody knows that, but I think they don’t want brothas to fly. What’s up with Burger King and Cinnabun in every airport?! No variety at all. How ‘bout some KFC or Popeye’s? How about a cognac/smoothie place…I’m just saying. GFY to the airports for not catering to the people fast food was intended to kill.

That’s the list for this week. I hope everybody boycotts all of the things I listed, especially Philly. I also hope everybody feels empowered to tell somebody who's pissing them off, "Go Fuck Yourself!!" If your boss is getting on your nerves, tell him GFY!!! If your girlfriend won't let you bang other chicks (and you wonder why I'm single), tell her GFY!! If your kids are causing a scene at the mall, beat them, then tell them GFY!! I've said enough...feel free to leave personal GFY's in the comment section, or e-mail 'em to me...