No Laptop...No Problem

My laptop broke (which is probably a message from God...telling me to ease up on the Asians, Jews, etc.). I'm not going to have it for the big game, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to have a live blog. I'll be doing it from my phone. I hope that everybody can do without my wonderful Microsoft Paint pictures, but I figured a way to get pictures up, from my phone to the blog, and I'll have wonderful pictures of the Super Bowl party I am at. Which brings me to the homework for my readers. I want to see ridiculous moments from the Super Bowl parties you attend. Take a piss in the punch bowl? Send a pic of it to me. Puke on somebody's flat screen TV? Send a pic of it to me. Accidentally punch a Pats fan for running their mouths? Send it... Get pulled over after the party for drinking and driving then you get tasered? Send it... Now starts my Super Bowl party...I will be drunk for the next 120 hours, so Giant fans...LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!

Tommorrow...Giants/Pats predictions and Rambo review...Saturday...College Hoops Picks...Sunday...live blog...Monday...Recap

SANTANA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Mets just completed a deal to bring Johan "the best pitcher in the league, SUCK IT!!!!!" Santana to Queens. I don't have much to say except that I am a happy sports fan, because now one of my teams is playing for a championship, and another will follow. AND, the Mets gave up nothing (4 minor league prospects)!!! I'm besides myself, so I'm going to interview myself.

Me: Johan Santana is a Met...

Me: Yeah...I know...I predicted it June 19, 2007

Me: How do you feel about Johan Santana being a Met?

Me: It feels great.

Me: How are you going to celebrate?

Me: By going to the liquor store and getting some Hennessey.

Me: Don't you think you should stop talking to yourself before you go to the liquor store.

Me: No...like it would be weird to see a black guy talking to himself outside of a liquor store.

Me: True...maybe we can panhandle, too!

Me: Sounds like a plan...

LET'S GO METS '08!!!! LET'S GO GIANTS '08!!! LET'S GO RANGERS '08!!! Knicks...'08 is our year...for getting the number one pick. Phuck Philly!!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Fine! I'll post a Double B article...

It's Monday, and I'm restless. So close to the big game, and I don't want to write about the game until my Friday article where I predict the outcome of the game. I can't watch TV this week, but if the Double B was writing and creating these shows, I would probably watch. Oh yeah...***WARNING*** The Double B is Jewish. Therefore, all these shows will be shown on public television. Everybody should be able to see it, besides, cable is too expensive.

Sometimes I feel I’m the only person that doesn’t care about the writer’s strike. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy TV just as much as the next person, but it’s all terrible. I’ve been more entertained this year than last year. I’m hoping this strike will start killing off terrible shows. I can’t count how many times I’ve see an advertisement for a show I’ve never new existed. Then I find out it’s been on the air four years! (Median, Numbers, Law and Order: Five, etc..) Give me more game shows. I want to win money while I watch TV. Start showing programs we don’t have in the U.S. The UK shows some crazy stuff.

Before Hollywood does something drastic and resolves the strike, I made a list of moneymaking shows that need to be made. Unfortunately, I had high hopes for American Gladiators, but right now it’s kind of gay. And I don’t mean “gay” in the stupid way, I mean gay. The show can still be fixed, but I’ll let NBC figure that out. Here are my ideas.

1. The Miami Heat desperately needs Shaq to retire. He’s due to make $20 million a year for standing under the basket accumulating three-second calls. I suggest the Heat trade him to Spike, Comedy Central, or ABC, and give him his own show. The man has charisma, charm, and wit. Which are three things Jimmy Kimmel is lacking. Imagine the possibilities. Penny Hardaway can be the sidekick that can’t get off the couch because his knees are fucked. Marv Albert will be the in-studio announcer and sexually harass every female audience member - I smell 19 seasons. In case you forgot how funny Shaq is, here’s a link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWqPnEGzfK8&feature=related

2. New York Knicks: All Access. I’m not sure I need to write anything. I have a few ideas of what happens behind the scenes. Isiah Thomas collects his pimp money every Monday and Friday. Eddy Curry eats about 20 Blimpie subs and gets another stretch mark on his body. Instead of hitting the gym and losing weight, he gets another tattoo to hide it. This will be the emotional segment. Starbury will bang interns while endorsing cheap shoes. David Lee will go to Synagogue. And Nate Robinson will take target practice on local thugs every Tuesday and Sunday.

3. Terrance and Philip. Hire scab writers to create this cartoon that should have been made seven years ago.

4. Chuck Norris attempting to act out his myths.

5. Girls Gone Wild Partially Nude Show. Don’t get me wrong it will suck not having full nudity, but Spike TV needs to start showing more T & A. It’s also never gets old seeing drunk college girls making mistake after mistake for a shirt.

6. Prank Phone Calls. Buy a few ounces of pot and booze, find some teenagers skate boarding, and give them a phone and the Yellow Book. 1 out of 10 calls will be hilarious.

7. Lastly, a show called Fights. The show will show all kind of fights. Fist, dog, knife, gang, verbal, and divorce are just the beginning.

I propose...two more lead pipe locks

Some of you are probably wondering when an article from the Double B is going to appear on LaredoSlider.com again. Was there a falling out between the Double B and Laredo? Is there a 168 hour sale going on somewhere that is keeping the Double B away from the keyboard? Is there a Jewish holiday (other than a 168 hour sale) that prohibits the Double B from turning on a computer? Is typing too athletic, and dangerous, for the Double B? Can Laredo Slider come up with more Jewish jokes? I'll answer all the questions for ya: No, Maybe, Maybe, Probably, All Day Long, Biaaattch! Truth is, he has typed an article, but I'm really superstious right now, and holding on to it. Today marks a week from when the biggest Super Bowl, in a long time, kicks off. My Giants are hot, and as a fan I need to keep all loser fans from this site (The Double B is a Bears fan). I don't want whatever "mojo" Rex Grossman had last year rubbing off on my team. This year's underdogs are for real, and I'm not writing about the game for a reason. I need to keep things in perspective, and reserve all my energy for the 5-state riot I'm going on after the game. So everybody gets to read about Hooker-Offs, college hoops, and the NBA. Today is an NBA day...two games on ABC...Boston at Orlando and Kobe vs. Bron...

Yesterday, I picked two gems, and if you played them, no need for thanks...just send hookers, Guiness, and weed to my room, if I visit your city (see Mathematical Equation below). Today's games are tough because you never know when NBA players want to play. Some nights they just mail it in. Can I call these two games "Lead Pipe Locks"? I guess I can, but be cautious whenever you play the NBA...

Boston (-2) at Orlando

This is actually easy money. Boston is favored by two, but they will probably win by more than a bucket. Just to show how fixed the NBA is, I'll predict the game:

One o'clock starting time means that most of the players are half asleep (some of them would be getting to bed at this time). Boston comes out hot and almost buries Orlando early on. But, wait! The game is on ABC! The refs step in and rig the game to make it close in quarters 2 through 4. Maurice Evans and Keith Bogans try to break the record for most bricks tossed up, then the ABC cameras center in on J.J. Redick on the bench. They then say, "he can help a team somewhere". I then say, "yeah, in Korea...North Korea". Kevin Garnett almost gets ejected, Dwight Howard misses some big free throws, and Ray Allen gets hot down the stretch. Celts win 99-93

Cavs (+4) at The Lake Show

Kobe vs. LeBron, the two best players in the galaxy. The Lakers haven't been the same since Andrew Bynum has gone down, and the Cavs have been hot. This may be an epic game because 1.) LeBron doesn't fully believe he is the best player in the world, and he has to beat Kobe to prove it, and 2.) Kobe still knows he is the best, but his teammates have gone back to sucking, so he will shoot every time. Somebody is going for 50. Look for Kwame Brown to thoroughly embarrass himself 3 times this game. Jordan Farmar (the best Jewish player, EVER) will have an oppritunity at a wide open layup, and then take a three pointer because of the better value. Cavs win 107-101 (Kobe drops 53)...

Last, and certainly least, is the on-ice proposal of marriage from John Baldwin to Rena Inoue, last night. They are figure skating partners and after they finished their routine yesterday, Baldwin got on one knee and proposed (he actually had to do it twice, she didn't hear him the first time) Did I mention she is Asian? I love when I order Asian food and I order with the actual name of the dish (ex. Kung-Pao Shrimp), and they don't understand what you want. Then I'm like, "I'll take a 53" (the number of the dish on the menu). Then they ask, "Eggroorr?" (egg roll). Then I say yes, thinking that I was going to get a complimentary egg roll. Then 53 egg rolls show up an hour and a half later. What am I trying to get at? Don't ask Asian women to get married, if you end up having to ask twice, because in two years you'll realize you didn't get what you asked for and you'll have to put up with 53 of her non-vaccinated relatives showing up to live with you forever!

I think she thought he was gay...

Mailbag and Lead Pipe Locks (College B-Ball)

First, I want to respond to a comment left by anonymous:

Wow, dude, you are one FUCKED UP person if you wanna go anywhere NEAR jankovic she is one of the ugliest females, no, one of the ugliest humans i have ever seen. I have trouble looking at her, especially in those photos you posted. They make me want to projectile vomit. You sicken me.


LOL... I agree, Jankovic isn't hot, but she seems enthusiastic when it comes down to taking dick. She's also a tennis player, so her body is probably pretty slammin'. I made my pick based on who I would like to bang once, and the one where I wouldn't feel bad after leaving the next day (with their credit card). AND, her role playing goes all the way to Asian hooker! Does this not matter? IT'S A HOOKER OFF! NOT A "SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH SOME ANNOYING HAG "-OFF!!! I put a link to Ana Ivanovic's pics on the top off my links section (look to the right), so I think she is hotter than any of them. Oh yeah, my elevator may not go to the top floor, but it's not like I'm trying to hide it... Maybe this mathematical equation will help you understand:


and that's on a good day...

NEXT!!! Lead Pipe Locks...

I have been hot, because I am probably the only person who watches college b-ball. I have a feel for how the season is going to break down, and if you're a bettor, it's time to get on the Laredo bandwagon. Today, two teams are going to cover, and one is going to surprise America with a big win.

First game....Gonzaga (+12) at Number 1 Memphis

Memphis will win the game, but Gonzaga covers. Look for super-freshman Austin Daye to lock down Chris Douglas-Roberts (who is on his way to All-American honors)...the Zags matchup well and are well coached. Memphis 78 - Gonzaga 70

Second Game...Connecticut (+8.5) at Number 8 Indiana

UConn will prove how overrated the Big Ten is, and how overrated super-freshman Eric Gordon is. UConn wins outright 70-59...

While were are on the subject of super freshman...my number one pick would be Allison Stokke, freshman pole vaulter at the University of Florida. Here is a picture of her with a pole resting on her shoulder...there are too many jokes I can use here, so I'll let everybody else fill in the blanks...

Rambo Pre-Review

I hope everybody knows what today is. It's the day where women, children, and terrorists can all get killed for no good reason. It's the day where bow and fire-arrows and bare hands are weapons of mass destruction. It's a day where America says, "thank God for HGH because this movie wouldn't be possible without it." It's a day where a movie comes out where some country in Asia gets terrorized by one man, making them look like pussies, but since it takes 15 years for them to see the movie (because we bombed the shit out of them in WWII), it don't matter. Today, Rambo comes out.

As I prepare for the movie, I look to see where it's playing, etc., and there I see reviews. One out of five stars, two out of four...are you serious?!? These reviewers don't understand the beauty of Rambo killing everybody on screen...they say it's more violent than any other movie they have seen (which is a reason to give the movie 4 stars outright). Then they make fun of the plot. Dumbasses. The plot is to kill everything moving. It's like when you got pissed off at "Duck Hunt", when you were a kid, and just pressed the gun against the TV screen and squeezed the trigger rapidly. To all the reviewers: I'm sorry this movie isn't Juno...in this movie bitches are impregnated, and everybody is aborted with the bare hands of a trained killer. Oh, and I'm sorry this isn't Atonement...if the enemy would have atoned, Rambo wouldn't have to go into this shithole and clean it up. This movie is closer to No Country for Old Men. Rambo in Burma automatically brings the life expectancy down, for males, from 19 to 4. Not to mention, the killer here won't get caught (even though this movie will have an ending with closure).

I haven't seen the movie, but I'm going to give my pre-review rating....5 out of 5 stars. I have always wanted to go to a movie where I could sit in the back row, and throw ketchup covered, raw ground beef at the screen and patrons (just to increase the realism). I can't wait...stay tuned for the real review later tonight.

Hooker-Off Update

Ivanovic wins...Sharapova wins...finals tomorrow..

People know I'm half-Jamaican, but what people don't know is that I'm three quarters Hatian. I come from a long line of Voodoo practicing, witch doctors. After writing yesterday's article, I said to myself, "I wonder if I can use Voodoo to F one of these girls?" So I called my witch doctor aunt. I asked her if it was possible to "F" somebody from 8,000 miles away. She said yes...find out what nationality they are, make a food dish from their country, and stick your dick in it. So now I had to figure out which one of these broads I wanted to "F", and I wanted to do it while they were playing on T.V. They are all Eastern Bloc, and the only dish I could make from their countries was a shot of vodka. I called my aunt and asked her if that meant I could F them all at the same time. She said maybe, but I might accidentally "F" Vladimir Radmonivic, so I had to pass. Then I remembered Jelena Jankovic had those chinky eyes! I ran to the cupboard, poured vodka, soy sauce, duck sauce, nail polish, and a roll of film all into a wok, and stuck my dick in it... It worked, and I have the proof:

First of all, my dick was burning, so I wondered if I channeled some other Asian-hooker type, but then, in the middle of the first set Jankovic started showing signs of getting F'd:

I wanted to take it easy on her, but I couldn't help myself. She was obviously puzzled wondering how somebody could do this, so then she called in a trainer:

The trainer didn't understand what Jankovic was talking about, but I knew. She pleaded with the side judge saying, "A dick this big is fucking me. How do you expect me to play tennis?"

Nobody understood her because of her heavy accent, and because I figured out how to channel her mouth. I also channeled her ass, and after I was done there, she lost control of her ability to "stop from going number 2". She had to take a timeout in the locker room:

So, I've done everything I wanted to do...now it's time for the grand finale. No eye will be spared...POW, right in the kisser...

I guess I should stay a talk a little after such an intimate encounter, but it would look silly for me to talk into a wok. Anyways, that's what trainers are for:

Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08

There are a lot of "dead" sports in the world. Sports nobody cares about because the quality isn't what it used to be. Sports, like boxing and tennis, that don't have the larger-than-life personalities. Sports that are shown on pay-per-view and aren't worth Americas hard earned bucks. And my biggest pet peeve, late starting and late ending events. Seriously, if an event ends at 2 in the morning, why would I want to watch it? The only event I want to watch is some Skinimax action, or some old-fashioned Internet porn, then I want to go to sleep with my hands in my pants. If sports are going to be on so late, maybe they should combine the allure of Skinimax with the skill of women's athletics. That is my idea, but I think the Women's Tennis Association stole it from me.

Late last night (around 12), I was flipping through channels and somehow stopped at the Australian Open, where Venus Williams was playing Ana Ivanovic. I probably stopped because the Williams sisters are historic athletes, and I wanted to see what was going on (I just lied, sorry). Truth is, I ALWAYS stop when I'm flipping through the channels, and spot women's tennis. I'm a product of the Kournikova Era, so that's the way it is. What happened was that Ivanovic beat Venus, and advanced to the semi's of the Australian Open. She also gave me a semi. She's actually pretty hot. So I'm thinking she might be one of the few hot tennis players. Then, ESPN showed the other three semi-finalist contestants (which caused gave me a semi times three, plus the first semi, which means I pitched a tent that looked like the Superdome). Maria Sharapova was one of the semi-causing finalists, unknowns Daniela Hantuchova and Jelena Jankovic were the others. I noticed they are all from the Eastern Bloc area, and when I Google'd all these ho's, they all have provocative pictures. Let's break down the semi-finals...in the Eastern Bloc Hooker-Off '08:

Maria Sharapova


VS.

Jelena Jankovic



Analysis: If I had to pick one to marry, it would be Sharapova. If I had to pick one to "F", it would be Jankovic. She seems sluttier, and Sharapova knows too much English. Judging by Jankovic's slanty-eyes, she might have some Asian in her. So her versatility in role playing goes all the way to Asian hooker. Jankovic also seems like the type of girl who will allow you to stick tennis balls where the sun don't shine. She also might get turned on by tennis rackets to the back of the head...Sharapova not so much.

Advantage: Jankovic

next match:

Daniela Hantuchova


vs.

Ana Ivanovic



This is a great battle, but just like the last one, Hantuchova is a little too white bread for me. She's hot, but Ivanovic is hotter. First of all, she isn't skinny like Hantuchova. Second of all, she is not as pale. Third of all, I found this picture of Ana lying in bed, just waiting for me to "f' her.


Notice the tennis racket on the right side. Any girl that brings a tennis racket to bed can cause me to throw my XBOX 36o out the window...she screaming for me to turn that handle brown. I hope everybody watches the semifinals (even thought they will be in the middle of the night). If you see Ana Ivanovic walking funny, with a tennis racket with a brown handle, just remember Laredo Wuz There.

Advantage: Ivnaovic

Sooooper Bowl Update

Tom Brady was seen in The Village yesterday going to his girlfriend’s apartment, Gisele Bundchen (or as I will be calling her the next two weeks, Jizz El Munchin). He had a walking cast on his right foot, and the media is wondering if he’s going to be ready for Super Bowl XLII. Of course he is! The real story is how he probably injured his foot. I think he injured himself trying to mimic Laurence Tynes game winning, 47 yard field goal, in his sleep. In a related story, Jizz El Munchin has a loose jaw. Or, maybe Randy Moss and Tom Brady were walking down the street, and Randy Moss saw his girlfriend so he grabbed the closest thing possible to hit her, which was Tom Brady’s right foot. In a related story, Jizz El Munchin has a loose jaw and Randy Moss is being questioned.

Watch the video, courtesy of TMZ.com. The funny thing is that Jizz El Munchin rushes into her house with a dog in her hand, and Tom follows a couple seconds later, with flowers. I hope Mike Vick is watching. If you’re going to electrocute dogs, at least bring flowers. It would be great if somebody could past Mike Vick’s head on Brady, and put some jumper cables in his hands.

More Predictions...

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day, everybody! I hope everybody is remembering the man, his message, and are celebrating the one race that matters…the human race. Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about another race. A race to the NFC crown, which is OVER!!! As everybody knows, the Giants won the NFC last night in one of the most thrilling, legendary games. The Giants are on a legendary playoff run. If they win it all it will rank with the ’69 Mets and ’94 Rangers as one of the most cherished championships any team has won in city history. Those two teams actually were given a chance; this Giants team was NOT given a chance.

I don’t want to toot my own horn (I did that earlier while watching The Best of Nautica Thorn: Asian Sensation), but I did proclaim in my October 25^th article that the Giants had a serious shot to bring home the NFC title. I also have to go back to my December 24^th article when I proclaimed that the Giants can get to the championship, and I was going to bang Danielle Fishel’s (Topanga from “Boy Meets World”) fat ass at a Super Bowl party. This is kinda scary because everything I’m saying is finally coming true! I am going to make some statements in this article because if shit I predict is starting to become true, then I might as well shoot for the stars!

I’m not going to make predictions like “I’m going to bang Jessica Alba” because I don’t own any date rape, drug-filled poison darts. But I am going to make some predictions that seem very unlikely. I hope my readers are patient as these predictions come to fruition (especially this next one):

I will bang Mylie Cyrus (Hannah Montana) when she turns 18, and I will bust a nut simultaneously while her father has a fatal heart attack. Then she will turn over her financial decisions to me.

I can see this happening because in three years, when she’s 18, Laredoslider.com will probably evolve into a full fledged porn site. So I will be on the fast track of being the next Hugh Heffner (except with ho’s with genetically engineered asses).

Hillary Clinton will be the next President of the United States, and give Laredoslider.com a exclusive interview where I ask the question, “Have you ever sucked dick before?” She will then cry while giving me head. It’s not like she is going to be the first president to suck dick (zing).

World War III will start when a Jewish man is told by a Muslim man, working at a 7-11, that one bottle of water costs $1.29. The Jewish man says that the sign say “2 for $2”. The Muslim man will say, “Only if you buy two”. This will lead to another thousand years of conflict, including WWIII.

The government will classify chinky-eyed Mexicans as Asians. Because, really, can we tell the difference?

I will be a millionaire in 2008 after rigging the World Series of Poker.

The city of Philadelphia will be bombed, by the United States…nobody will care.

I will get pulled over for no reason, and then I will be asked to get out of the car for no reason.

The New York Mets will win the National League in 2008.

I will learn to become a carpenter and turn Serena William’s ass into a table.

I will invent a new skin care lotion, like Proactiv, and people will use it…until the day I admit that I was just bottling my own jizz…

I will invent a new energy drink, like Red Bull, and people will use it…until, you know

Scientists will genetically engineer a sausage so big; it could feed a whole country. They call it “Laredo’s Dick”.

The national anthem will be replaced by Soulja Boy’s “Crank That”

Derek Jeter admits he’s gay. Then he tells his Yankee teammates to sniff the handles on their bats because “that’s how he rolls”.

Oh yeah…the New York Giants will win the Super Bowl…Eli Manning will have such a good game that he will finally get his own commercials…for erectile dysfunction (but, hey, who cares?). I walk around for 4 hours after the game with an erection, but I will not consult a physician.

Live Blog - Championship SUNDAY!!!!

3:26 - I'm a little slow right now, but I'll start blogging in 30 mins...I need to get some drink in me. If anybody wants to chime in during this blog...send an IM to AreYou18Good for AIM. I'll get cracking at halftime of the Pats-Bolts...

3:55 - Okay...7-3 Patsies...I am impressed how confident the Bolts look...the one thing I can say is that the Pats may be 17 and oh, but they are OLD...they are like Pam Anderson 5 years ago (they're hot, but there are flaws...but I would still hit). And, no I wouldn't fuck the Patriots. I'm getting a little tipsy, but I'm not to the point where a 45 man gangbang is possible. BTW...I'm drinking O.J. and Vodka (what I like to call the O.J. Simpson)...Where are the white ho's????

4:02 - The Chargers just put a field goal through to make it 7-6...these fools need to get TD's in order to win...they miss LT in a big way (BTW...it's funny that LT can't go, and the Chargers are right in the thick of it...Running back is a position that is overrated when it comes down to building a team...I wouldn't draft one at a high position...BUT, LT is the best and the San Diego Chargers need him)

4:09 - You know you're the fifth wide reciever when you do a dance in the end zone after making a decent special teams play...or you're just black and happy to collect a check...yeah, i'll chalk it up to that.

4:13 - "Derek Jeter Bitch Made" play of the day to this point is Chris Chambers getting DEEEEEEBO'd for the interception...so Chris Chambers is the worst player of the game so far

4:15 - TD New England...if San Diego doesn't score, and the Pats score another, the game is over...huge drive coming up

4:18 - Bruschi (i'm drunk and don't care if I spelled that right) is on HGH...or he's Mexican...but his head is HUGE

4:19 - Rivers INT...Get Volek warmed up...Rivers has the second worse arm in football...WTF was that?

4:30 - 3rd and 1...no timeouts...can you spell disaster for the Chargers? I can...P-H-I-L-I-P...

4:35 - Pats 14, Bolts 9 at the Half...It's a ballgame...

4:50 - Thank God...2nd Half Starting...couldn't handle looking at Shannon Sharpe...he reminds me of those statues at Easter Island. They're just a lot less annoying...



4:56 - Brady pick...San Diego MUST score this drive if they want to win this game.

5:02 - CBS's commercials suck. I can't remember if they have played an erectile dysfunction commercial yet. Nothing too edgy. No Chevy Truck commercials. I can't wait till 6 when the real show starts.

5:03 - Nate Kaeding FG...14-12 Pats...No TDs for San Diego mean no win...

5:11 - Maroney is starting to put his figerprints on this game...Randy Moss is about to put his fingerprints around some ho's neck

5:17 - San Diego INT!!!! Antonio Cromartie has just swung the momentum to the Bolts. Now Philip Rivers is going to have the most important drive of his life (to this point).

5:21- Rivers can't move the ball...The San Diego D is going to have to figure out how to get superior field position for his sorry ass...

5:32 - TD Brady to Welker...21-12 Pats...now Rivers goes into "Rex Grossman mode"...He'll try to throw a bunch of ill-advised passes, and he'll throw 'em as hard as he can. Then he will leave the game after getting pasted. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

5:41 - 4th and 10 for the Bolts...I would go for it, but Norv Turner proves while he is the only coach in the NFL who has been castrated. In other news, there is a new Martin Lawrence movie coming out. He is one of the few actors whose movies I automatically see. They just played the commercial, and I'm pumped to see it.



5:50 - Time for a Laredo Commercial Break...


yeah...Ines Sainz...whut?!?!


5:53 - Will the Pats cover? I think so...Let's see if they play to cover. Oh yeah, this drive is WHY YOU GO FOR IT ON 4TH DOWN WHEN YOU'RE DOWN BY 2 SCORES IN THE FOURTH, AGAINST A TEAM WHO NEVER LOST...I know what Marty Schottenheimer woulda done...

6:00 - Game Over - Pats 21 - San Diego 12 ... Pats don't cover, San Diego couldn't get a TD...This is a bad day for a degenerate somewhere....

now...for the game of the day, in the league where they play.....FOR PAY.....

DGLJLDG JSLG LGKD GJDLSKGJ DSLGJ D GET EM GIANTS!!!!! SKLDBJ DLBDLB DLB DB

I am officially going to play a drinking game during this game. I don't know what it is yet...but I'm going ape shit...I WANT THE PATRIOTS!!! LET'S GO BIG BLUE!!!!

6:05 - It looks colder at Lambeau than a dead hooker floating in the Hudson River. I hope Troy Aikman and Joe Buck's head freeze and break off during the game. In this weather, I'm glad Brandon Jacobs is on my side.

6:21 - 21 minutes till kickoff...time to pound some O.J. Simpson's



6:28 - Laredo Slider commercial break


Avena Lee - Specialtiy: Oral Sex...Not Specialty: Driving (She's Asian)

6:35 - Fox's new game show "Moment of Truth" looks like a home run...they should get a guy on the show, and ask him if he watches kiddie porn. Then they could lead right into a "To Catch A Preditor" episode.

6:42 - Green Bay wins the toss, and the Giants D gets on the field, while Chris Myers interviews the Predator.

6:44 - Why do Black people have to put as many dead animals on them as possible? Pam Oliver's coat has about 10 dead squirrels in it.

6:48 - Brett Farve almost gets picked...JINTS D...WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT!!!!!

6:51 - Brandon Jacobs sets the tone on the first play...Giants get a gift spot...First Down.

6:55 - Moving the rock...First and 10 from the Packers 37.

7:01 - I almost shit my pants as Eli comes close to throwing a pick...Giants kick a 29 yard field goal...3-0

7:11 - MothafuckinAmaniToomeralregewral ajerlhjaerlkhjrlhjarelareljhrjhrelj!@@!!!!!!

7:13 - MothafuckinJeffFeaglesShankLehjaerl;k hjaerlhjearlkhjaerlkjglaj halrjalr!!!!!!

7:16 - We won the first quarter...3 more to go!

7:20 - Aaron Ross earning his stripes...We have a good one at corner.

7:31 - Tynes FG number 2...He's quietly having one of the best years out of a Giant kicker since Matt Bahr.

7:37 - 90 yard TD Farve to Driver...Exactly what we can't have...

7:52 - While I am drunk, let me point out...THE KNICKS HAVE WON 4 out of 5...There's a darkhorse in the race for the number 6 draft pick, baby!



7:58 - Shouldn't there be a "More Bars" commercial for AT&T that includes Mike Vick and O.J. Simpson?








8:06 - 10-6...Manning needs to be a Manning

8:10 - 10-6 Half...I'm going to be a wreck during halftime....

8:25 - Pam Oliver flaunting her Rodent Skin Coat...

8:29 - Giants burn a timeout instead of taking the delay of game. I no like.

8:35 - Yeah!!!! Refs are fixing it for tha G-Men....UHHHHHH!!!! Fuck Green Bay!

8:40 - Where on the verge of a endzone playclock fatality!


8:45 - Jacobs scores a TD, but spares the playclock. The Pack comes back with a 50 something yard return.

8:53 -Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison, Sam Madison...anybody have the address for a Samuel Jerome Jenkins Madison? I just want to drive by and drop off a package....
9:03 - AMANI!!!
9:07 - Bradshaw TD! THIS IS A GAME THE NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS MUST WIN!!!

9:11 - End of the third...15 minutes 'till the Super Bowl

9:16 - WTF!?!? R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters, R.W. McQuarters...anybody have the address for a R.W. Jerome Jenkins McQuarter? I just want to drive by and drop off a package...

9:28 - I'm nervous...I probably drank too much, and when I shit, it will be liquid

9:31 - FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

9:33 - Yeah!!! The referee's know what's up!!!!

9:37 - Will Tynes hit this?

9:38 - No!! Fuck Whitey!!!

9:46 - I don't know if he was offsides, but I feel confident...the D will come thru

9:51 - Okay, R.W. doesn't touch the ball anymore!

9:56 - Steve Smith, biatch!!!! USC Reppin... The Giants must get a running first down!

10 - Bradshaw, Smith...the rooks, baby...

10 - TYNES!!!!!!!!! MAKE THIS SHIT!!!!!!! Game Time!!!

10:03 - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coin flip wins....TAILS!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

10:06 - I'm already conceeding the loss...I won't feel as bad if I do it right now. I feel sick. BUT! The Pack hasn't been able to do shit with the ball.

10:09 - Corey Webster! Bradshaw and Jacobs! That's IT!!!!

10:15 - YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments:
Go Chargers said...
Cromartie and the Bolts are in Brady and the Pats head, Upset coming for sure!Did anyone really put money on the Pats -15 points? Flush that 2 week paycheck down the toilet!
January 20, 2008 2:20 PM
Go Giants said...
Let's GO Giants!Not the start to the day I was looking for, first the Chargers play like pansies and then my grill runs out of gas after five minutes with 10 pounds of ribs being cooked, but not before the entire two racks of ribs light on fire scorching the bottom. My first ever ribs experience is looking bad and now I have to do it in the oven using tin foil, a recipe for spending Sunday night eating shitty ribs and having to clean the oven.It's all Good if Big Blue Win!BTW, the Shannon Sharpe analogy was priceless.
January 20, 2008 3:50 PM
Super SuperBowl said...
How do you not ICE the kicker in that situation. ??? Tynes got lucky they didn't call the timeout there, he would have certainly choked if that had happened. BUT they didn't and the Giants are going to get revenge on the Patriots in the SUPERBOWL!LaredoSlider, LIVE BLOGGING KICKS ASS, the extra work brought good Karma!
January 20, 2008 7:17 PM
Laredo Slider said...
See you in Fuckin Glendale! If the Giants win, there will be a movie...you will all go and watch it. I will have a tremendous boner while watching it. YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH BABYYY!!!! Thanks to my freinds Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Fernando Bacardi, and Yakov Smirnoff for getting me through the game!!!! Pats are goin DOWN!!!!!

A Dream of a Game

I had a dream last Sunday. It was a dream where I was watching my favorite football team, without a care in the world. I was drinking heavily, Jessica Simpson was there, and Tony Romo was running scared. It was awesome. I am a proponent of sharing and analyzing my dreams, because they mean something (even if it’s a dream I have over and over…like violating Jessica Alba’s mouth…which usually means I switch the sheets out when I wake up).

As the dream starts, I see a stadium filled with Mexicans and rednecks. I think that I’m at a drive-thru liquor store, but wait…there are 70,000 of them, and a big grass field…so it must be a Budwiser/Tecate Landscaping Peace Conference (by the way…DON’T BUY MILLER CHILL…it’s a Mexican inspired beer recipe that tastes like a Mexican perspired in it). Then I see that the Mexicans aren’t cutting the grass. WTF?!? It’s field-turf! I must be at a football game! Cool! In most dreams I’m usually playing quarterback and scoring (in more ways than one). My last game was legendary:

45 of 45, 587 yards passing…18 carries for 299 yards rushing, 6 Home Runs, 2 Hat Tricks, 11 of 11 from three, and 4 holes violated on every member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

Then the Cowboys and the Giants run on the field. I decide not to take the game over, and let them play.

Giants 7, Cowboys 0

The Cowboys come out shit talking, and their QB has a shit-eating grin on his face. The Giants get the ball first and draw first blood on a Eli to Amani 57 yard connection. I’m happy that this dream is starting off well, but then someone takes my clothes off, and I wake up from the embarrassment. I hate when I wake up from a good dream prematurely. I then drink myself back to sleep.

Giants 7, Cowboys 14

I go back to sleep and the dream is turning into a nightmare. Terrell Owens scores a TD, and
Marion (the only Barber that has a penis) Barber is running all over us. I’m getting ready to force myself to wake up before shit gets ugly.

Giants 14, Cowboys 14

Eli decides to continue his “fuck my brother…it’s my time, biatch!” postseason by putting together a beautiful 47 second drive to tie the game. This quiets the Texas Stadium crowd faster than immigration quiets day laborers (a.k.a. Mexicans) while cruising the Home Depot parking lot.

Giants 14, Cowboys 17

The Giants defense is stepping up a bit, and the proper adjustments were made at half time. Tony Romo has the “I’m going to tank this game so I can go home and F Jessica Simpson” face on.

Giants 21, Cowboys 17

Brandon Jacobs scampers for a one yard TD…then he rifles the ball into the play clock in what is the greatest TD celebration of all-time. It was a celebration that took the heart out of the Cowboys. Their fans shutdafuckup. Their players shutdafuckup. I wish Troy Aikman shutdafuck up, but he was about to get his. It was time to put the finishing touches on this classic.

Final: Giants 21, Cowboys 17

The game ended better than I coulda dreamt. Romo was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Patrick Crayton dropped a huge pass. Jerry Jones came from the owner’s box to watch the collapse. And, Jessica Simpson was nowhere to be found (actually, in the dream, I already f’d her, Cleveland steamer’d her, and kicked her out of my house). Then there is T.O., in the “Derek Jeter Bitch Made Moment” of the week (Really, T.O.? Who brings those glasses to a football game?I know you had this planned).:

The only thing that T.O. did right was that the only question he answered, in the press conference, was from Azteca TV’s Ines Sainz. Who’s Ines Sainz? She is the hottest sideline reporter on the face of the Earth! What’s more perfect than a hot, Latin sideline reporter? NOTHING! She’s gotta be up for some baseball bat action in between the sheets (she’s Latin and into sports). I’ll leave you with a video montage of Mrs. Sainz-LaredoSlider…

L___ P_ipe _ock: The House of Manning

Sunday is here, and I AM PUMPED! Giants vs. Cowboys! Let’s go G-Men! In my house we have a tradition. It’s a tradition built around calling audibles, doing commercials, and making fucked up, funny faces when ever we throw interceptions. It’s also a tradition where we go to the playoffs every year. If you don’t know, the house I’m talking about is the House of Manning.

I thought it would be a good idea to get the boys fired up before they took the field today, so we sat down and ate dinner last night. Eli, Peyton, the other brother nobody cares about, Archie, his wife Olivia (a.k.a. Quaterback-Factory Vag #1), and I sat down for a home cooked meal. I received so much insight to what’s going to happen today in both games, and I recorded the whole conversation at dinner. I will copy the excerpts onto LaredoSlider.Com for everybody to enjoy. Afterwards, I’ll give you my picks for today’s games.

7 p.m. - I arrive at the Manning Estate (Plantation) and I’m greeted at the door by Olivia Manning (a.k.a. Quarterback-Factory Vag #1)

Olivia: Hi! I’m so glad to meet you! You don’t have to introduce yourself. (She Yells) Eli! Plaxico is here for dinner!

Me: Oh, no, I’m Laredo Slider. I understand that you get us all confused. I’m here for the dinner/interview.

Olivia: Have a seat at the table! I hope you like pot roast! If I knew you were coming, I woulda sent the other brother nobody cares about to KFC. In the ghetto.

Me: Can you still send him?

Olivia: Yes. And if he gets shot, oh well. It’s not like he’s a pro athlete or something.

7:21 – We all sit down. The table looks good. The pot roast had all the fixings. Sprint phone casserole, MasterCard pâté, fried Citizen watch rings. The pot roast was served on a DirecTV satellite dish, and had Reebok sneaker stuffing. Gatorade was there to wash it down, but I had to watch in HD, on a beautiful Sony HDTV.

Me: I see that you have all the sponsors hooking you up. You must really enjoy getting so much free stuff. Why do I have to sit in this room? Can’t I eat at the table?

Archie: No, you can’t. And, we can see you in there! The silverware is worth nothing, so don’t steal it!

Olivia: Look, Peyton! Marvin Harrison has a T.V. show, and he’s about to eat dinner!

Archie: Shut up, bitch! That’s just the guy who just came to eat dinner with us, and he’s on the security cam.

Me: Well, let’s talk about Sunday’s games. Peyton, what is your key to success?

Peyton: Well, as long as God’s on my side we have a shot.

Me: I mean football-wise.

Peyton: No, seriously. God puts money on the Colts every week. We only lose so it doesn’t look shady. When we win, I get 60 percent.

Me: You get a bigger cut of the winnings than God?

Peyton: Who has more commercials?

Me: True

7:38 – Dinner is good. I’m actually waiting for my KFC, while the family is eating their meal. Eli has been quiet, so it’s time to ask him a few questions.

Me: Eli, how are you going to dismantle the Cowboys?

Me: Eli?

Olivia: Eli, Amani Toomer is asking you a question, honey…please answer…

Me: Bitch, I am NOT Amani Toomer!

Olivia: Oh my God, HE’S DROWNING IN THE SOUP!

Eli pulls his head out, and after he’s revived, he answers the question.

Eli: We’re going to establish a running game, and play action the shit out of the Cowboys’ secondary. The D is going to dial-up pressure early and often. We are going to use unnecessary roughness penalties to set the tone early on. We are also going to decapitate Tony Romo, while the practice squad takes turns violating Jessica Simpson. Then we’re going to tape that, and put it on laredoslider.com, and force him to write two weeks of articles of Jessica Simpson sex tapes, instead of a week of Kim Kardashian articles.

Archie: Son, are you okay? Oh my God, HE’S POSSESSED!

Laredo Slider is sitting in the other room with a bucket of KFC, laughing

Me: That’s right, he’s possessed. I possessed him. You motherfuckers took to long getting my chicken, so I had to sacrifice a chicken, a la Major League when Cerrano wanted to sacrifice a chicken before their big playoff game. I also took the time to possess Eli, so he can win the big game tomorrow. Your wife is also pregnant. She will give birth to a quarterback in nine months. He will be black. Teach him how to throw and keep him away from dogfighting.

The Manning family, except Olivia, run from the house…she’s happy because she thinks she’s having Reggie Wayne’s baby.

San Diego (+10) at Indy

Indy covers. Something tells me that Shawn Merriman is going to get arrested for something midway through the second half. Look for Philip Rivers to throw a bunch of picks. The score will be closer than the game…Indy, 31-17

New York Giants (+7) at Dallas

Giants win outright. Look for a decapitated Tony Romo to be ineffective after being shocked that his girl is getting gangbanged by the Giants' practice squad. In a unprecedented move, T.O. trades himself to the Giants midway through the game, because Eli plays possessed and there is plenty of KFC on the sideline. Giants 27-20.

LET’S GO BIG BLUE!!!!!

Re: Reggie Do It! (Six Degrees of Fat Asses)

Another inter-office reply from Laredo Slider, to the Double B

Hey, Double B, a couple of points...

1.) If Reggie wants to call it a career, then he should marry Kim Kardashian. But he needs to subscribe to the Kobe Rules. Kobe knows not to get near Brandy, or any of her relatives. He went to prom with her (probably hit it…while she was asleep), and called it quits. That wasn’t a family he wanted to get involved with. He didn't want to get associated with fat asses. So what am I trying to get at? What I like to call the “Six Degrees of Fat Asses”:

Ray J bangs Kim Kardashian (fat ass)

Ray J is Brandy’s brother

Brandy marries Quentin Richardson (fat ass)

Quentin Richardson plays on the New York Knicks alongside Eddy Curry (fat ass)

Eddy Curry plays alongside Zach Randolph (fat ass)

Zach Randolph is the inspiration for a sandwich I created. It’s a bacon, pork chop, mayo, butter, fried chicken sandwich that I call the “Fat Ass” (it’s great with a Diet Coke)

2.) I like the reality show idea, but I don't think Kim Kardashian will do it. Not with Matt Leinart. She's into has-been African-Americans, or about-to-be has been Negroes. Let's line up a stellar list of those and shoot a reality series/porn series. Who would be good? Let's see....

Gary Coleman from Different Strokes...

How about M.C. Hammer ("Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" would be the name of the show)?


What about a "Different World" stars Kadeem Harrison (Dwyane Wayne), and Sinbad? They can trade off, and we can somehow fit Theo Huxstable into the mix...


Or, let's have a show called "Keeping up With Kim Kardashian's Ass, South of the I-10"...I'm pretty sure we can get Deebo from Friday...

I'm pretty sure we can get Kim to fuck non-Blacks...She might be into Mexicans, Costa Ricans, or my favorite illegal alien...ALF!!!

We could make a killing in plush toys, and let's face it, he's nothing but a puppet...We can sell tickets to allow people to stick their fingers in it as he F's her, and she would never know. Alf can also open the door to another phenomenon: Foreign Objects. Do me a favor, and forward this e-mail to Disney.

TRIVIA

Who is the only person to put his balls in the mouth of Brandy and Quentin Richardson?

Kobe Bryant (Brandy, in 1996 after prom, and Quentin Richardson every year when the Knicks play the Lakers)

Reggie Do It!!

In response to Laredo’s article, I think Reggie Bush should marry Kim. Why? Three simple reasons: he’s going to be a bigger bust than Adam Archuleta, both people’s fame have hit their peak, and the porn industry is a billion dollar industry. The way Reggie Bush is playing, I hope he’s eating Subway every day and saving money, because he’s not getting a better contract. Also, Kim Kardashian owns a shitty clothing store in North Hollywood. Last time I checked, the only thing good that came out of NoHo was the burrito truck on its way to Silver Lake. Just like the stock market, recession is about to hit them.

As Laredo stated, what is Kim’s shelf life? This is the biggest underlying factor. I give her more than 4 years (about 5) because plastic surgery does amazing things, but I would invest in a prenup. I saw her porno and I would definitely hit it. And I’m sure Dr. Ray, or some other Armenian doc, can keep her this way. However, if Reggie is going to marry her he needs to beat the shit out of Ray J. How the hell do you think the tape ended up at Vivid? Brandy isn’t exactly making money anymore, so Ray J has no one to piggy back on. May I suggest that MMA contacts these two men? So, I’ve concluded that Reggie and Kim will not have careers in three years. They must cash in now while the oven is warm. They need to get married and have a reality show. With the writer’s strike, it’s the perfect time to get a crappy reality show green lit. They can honeymoon in Vegas, hire some strippers, make it rain, then film a sex tape - that’s the pilot!

I’m not sure how the rest of the show would go, but I’m guessing Matt Leinart will show up. He’ll probably have a threesome with the newlyweds and impregnate Kim. That’s an instant classic right there. The show will have two seasons, maybe three, and when it’s over they sell the sex tapes. In three years Kim’s ass will take up two airplane seats and Reggie Bush will be Rashaan Salaam (yeah I’m a Bears fan – fuck off). If there ever was a time to cash out on fame, this is it.

-The Double B

Reggie!!! Don't Do It!!!

Dear Reggie,

I was alarmed last week to find out that you were engaged to Kim Kardashian. I’m not hating, I’m just looking out for the best college football player I’ve ever seen. In matter of fact, I would understand marrying Kim Kardashian if you were an everyday joe, or a c-list actor. I would marry her right now. One, you are Reggie Bush and you shouldn’t make this mistake. You should learn from Kobe. Don’t get married when you are a famous athlete. You should be running through co-eds and groupies like they’re running out of style. Two, that ass ain’t getting any smaller. Kim ass looks good right now, but I give it 4 years before it falls off like Heisman-winning, Trojan running backs who wear number 25, for the New Orleans Saints. She has what I like to call the “Reggie Bush of Asses”. Against mediocre competition, it’s looks good. If I’m you, Reggie, I would get a girl with a skinny waist and big titties. Then I hook her up with a Brazilian Ass Implant. Then I would dump her and do the same thing to another girl. I would do this until the streets are filled with fat-ass girls, with skinny asses and big titties. And, the girl should be younger. Kim is 27, that’s about ten more years than the girl you should be dating!! Another rule you should live by: If you’re a famous athlete, only date Brazilians, Puerto Ricans, Columbians, Cubans, any nationality mixed with the previous four, or sexy, coke snorting European bitches. Kim is Armenian! Do you know what that means? Well you haven’t read Laredo’s Guide for Dating Armenians (or Persians), have you? You couldn’t have, because I’m writing it for you right now. I attached it to this letter. Good luck next year, Reggie!

P.S. – You are one year from being considered a bust. Lendale White is a better running back than you. Get your head screwed on straight. From one black man to another, consider dating white bitches. Just don’t kill them, get in a police chase, and rob people for shit you sold them like that other great USC running back.

________________________________________________________________________

Laredo’s Guide for Dating Armenians (or Persians)

So, Mr. Bush, you met a nice Armenian (or Persian) girl. Think again. She’s probably a Mexican-American mix who speaks good English, because Armenians (of Persians) aren’t nice. They are strong people with family values. You must quickly assimilate with these people, and their families, if you want to be considered one of their own. Here are their values, in order of importance:

1. Managing Rug Stores
2. Driving like suicide bombers
3. Never waiting in line at any club (because their cousin knows the owner)
4. Using the express lane, at the supermarket, with 100 items.
5. Leaving shopping cart in said lane
6. Mercedes S-Class Cars (if it’s lower than a 600, then take the numbers off the back)
7. Gold
8. Getting items for free when there is clearly a price on the item
9. Raising their voices anywhere and everywhere for no good reason

For more on Armenians (or Persians) scroll one line down to the FAQs.

FAQ’s

What separates Armenians (or Persians) from Jews?

I’m always asked this question (because of number 7 and 8 on the list of values…and, yes, I do know some Persians and Armenians are Jewish). It’s simple…Jews are less violent. Tell a Jew he can’t have an item for free, and then they don’t spend money in your store anymore. Tell an Armenian/Persian they can’t have the item, and it’s JIHAD!!!!

Are Persians/Armenians Athletic?

No. But, if you play sports with them, they usually pass to their own.

What part of the World are Persians/Armenians from?

Look at the map and guess.

What does a typical Armenian/Persian family tree look like?

It’s actually called a Family Cactus, and it looks like any traditional family tree. What happens when a black and a Armenian get together? I used my computer to formulate what will happen if Kim and Reggie have a kid and put him in a typical family tree. If I'm you, Reggie, I would be pissed if my kid had a class project that looked like this (click it to see the full size):

Why aren’t Armenians/Persians complimentary?

They don’t give credit to anybody. They just use cash.

Reggie, don’t do it…look at Ray J’s career now that he dated her. He went from R&B clown to porn star (maybe it wasn't a bad move for him). You have one year to figure shit out, and rush for 1500 yards. If you don’t, I might have to write a “Why is Kim Kardashian married to Reggie Bush” article…Peace!!!!

Re: Fukudome T-Shirt Ideas

This is an inter-office reply from Laredo Slider, to The Double B...

I like the t-shirt ideas, but I think two stand out. Fuk-U Do Me and having the random Japanese characters with translation Fuk-U. But instead of having random characters, maybe they should really mean "Fuck You". This is a good start, but I think that the t-shirt line should be expanded to other athletes. We could have a apparel empire, and be the next Steve and Barry's. Check these out:

We should capitalize on Eddy Curry's celebrity, and make some "Kentucky Fried Curry" shirts. A good gift for the fat s.o.b., buffet-killing, Crisco sweating, no defense playing person in your life. Notice the spots on the shirt of hot sauce and sweat. We can sell these as actual game worn jerseys (like anybody would ever know):



We can have women's apparel, as well. How about "Ben Wallace Panties"? Your girl is going out to the club, and you know she's a slut, right? Just hook her up with these panties and most dudes will run for the hills (except me, cuz I'm a nasty mofo):


Oooooohhhh....I thought of a great Fukudome product: "Fukudome Asian Driving Glasses"!!! Now everybody can drive like their favorite Asian right fielder (and every other Asian)! In matter of fact, the tagline will be: "Now errrybarrry can dry rike der frayrit Asian ry frirrrer!" These will be a gold mine!!!:

Fukudome T-Shirt Ideas

One of my resolutions for 2008 is be more venture capitalistic. The other is to make more fun of Asians. So I called up The Double B and asked him for ideas for t-shirts to commemorate the addition of the Cubs newest Japanese import (no, not the Mitsubishi Jet Towel hand dryers in the stadium bathrooms, or the addition of Sapporo to the stadium club bar). I'm talking about the Cubs' new right fielder Kosuke Fukudome. ***WARNING*** The Double B is Jewish. Therefore if you buy a t-shirt and don't like it, YOU WILL NOT GET YOUR MONEY BACK. But that's because the t-shirt will be a good value, and you should keep it.

This article might be a few weeks late, but I'm still very excited about the Cubs newest audition – Kosuke Fukudome. It's about time the Cubs have jumped on the bandwagon and signed a Japanese import. Ever since trading Sammy (no habla English) Sosa, the right field position has been a rotation of scrubs. If Kosuke can bat .300, he'll be the savior of the town. And, having just moved one block away from my mecca, Wrigley Field, I'm starting a Kosuke Fukudome fan club. My first order of business is making a killer t-shirt. Below is a list of ideas that came to me on the toilet.

1. Fuk-U-Do-Me

(Just that in white writing on a blue shirt)

2. Fuk-U-Do-Me?

No Fuk-U

(I can't decide if the Fuk-U should be printed on the back of the shirt?)

or

Fuk-U-Do-Me?

No Fuk-U-Do-You

3. Japanese Characters

(Fuk-U) or (Go Fuk-Uself)

(I'm playing with this idea, but I want to have random Japanese writing on the shirt that doesn't mean anything, but have the translation on the bottom be something like Fuk -U)

4. A picture of Fukudome and then either of these headlines.

· If he can see a baseball, he can see your sins.

· Me Likey

· Smashing balls like your mom.

· Generic Ichiro

· Fukudome! In English that means, suck my balls.

· Sushi Makes You Strong.

· Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto

· Asian Sensation

· Yellow Never Looked So Good.

· Fukudome Bitched Slapped Mr. Miyagi.

5. I Kosuke Fukudome Your Mom/Wife/Sister/Dog/Neighbor/etc…

I need your ideas Laredo!